The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Ron Funches: Bad at Money Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: April 10, 2026

Comedian and actor Ron Funches (Traitors, Loot, Trolls) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your BAD AT MONEY STORIES! Want to be a part of the Andy Richter Call-In Show? Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask Andy a question! Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app, Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan old bro. Cooner... Get your fingers ready to dial. Because this is the Andy Richter-Callin show. And we are talking bad with money stories. And if you've got one, call us at 855-266-2-604. And let us know about it. I've got a great guest host here today.

I mean, I always have great guest hosts. You know, but it's a varying level of greatness. Today, it's super great. He's super good. It's Ron Funches. The hilarious comedian, we've known each other for years. And you recently were on Traders, had a great run on Traders, you know? I agree with you.

You fucked up that place. Yeah. You didn't last long enough, though. No, but long enough to have people know I was there. Yes, yes. You always leave them wanting more. Yes, exactly. Yeah, isn't it nice?

That's like for me, dancing with the stars is like, The main thing was is like, oh, it reminded people I exist. Yeah, that's a good thing. That is true. That's exactly what happened for me. I got a bunch of new fans who did not know me at all, but liked me because I was who I am. And then a bunch of people who were like, oh, they're messing with our boy. Oh, really?

We got to get out there and support. I know you said you hadn't seen enough because you were like, you're just laying low. I was like, oh, he hasn't seen enough episodes. No, no, I haven't. I've only seen, I think, the first two. It turns for me hard. Oh, good, good, good. Oh, that's good.

That's something to look forward to. You know, I was just bitching about having a small child and not watching television because at 9 o'clock, it's after she goes to bed, it's like, I could just go to bed right now, and that sounds great. Yeah. So that's what I do. I always pick between, you pick in between, for me, either gaming or watching something, and I'm always going to pick a new game.

Really? Yeah. Now, can you play a game and not, because the only, like, I've limited gaming, experience. But back in the early 90s, before I had kids, I don't even remember what system it was, but I used to play a game called Road Rash. Do you know that game? Yeah, familiar. And I would lose four hours. And I'd feel like, well, I've been playing for an hour and it would be four hours. Do you still have that? Or after extensive gaming, do you get a real sense of time? I still have a sense of time. It takes, I mean, there might be a game that comes in that like suddenly

you're like, oh, I feel like a kid again. And I am like, oh, wait, I meant to go to bed an hour ago. And I'm still up playing it. It's a game called Crimson Desert. That's doing that for me right now. But other than that, I usually find myself not able to play longer than an hour before I start losing focus. Oh, really? So I'm like, oh, I got an hour in.

I'm done. And then I go watch wrestling from the late 90s. Yes. And you're good for that? And are you good for that for an hour? No, as anyone around my life knows, that's a constant background noise in my life. Is you hearing Gene Okerlin or Jim Cornett coming out of my phone? Well, we're talking bad with money stories.

Are you good with money, bad with money? Both. Yeah? Yeah. I'm good with finding ways to generate money in my life. I like money. I've always been a fan, fan of tracking. money. And then I've made poor decisions with money, both before I got into comedy and after.

Mostly like two marriages, no pre-nups. Those were bad money decisions. Terrible money decisions. Yeah, yeah. And well, and one you didn't have money and one you did. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, well, I don't know how that works. How does the one before money decision? Oh, that one's all done now. So that's good. So it's basically like one. It's like I made one. mistake and then forgot about it and it made one mistake again. Yeah, because the first wife can't come after things that are earned after. No, she's done now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, sorry. Sorry, you fucked up. Yeah, no, it's, it is, it's, yeah, it's an interesting concept and it's fun because, like, I was married for 25 years, so that means. Yeah. Spellible support for life. NWO. Until. Yeah.

You're near world or life. Well, until one of us dies or. Remaried. She gets remarried. Yeah. But like business wise on her, I wouldn't make that choice, right? You know, I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I honestly don't know. I don't know that, I mean, honestly, money has never been, it was, it's not, it wasn't used as a, you know, like as a weapon during the. process or since it's been very like that's one area where we both are sort of reasonable and that's fantastic and i'm proud of both of us for that um but yeah but it's it is funny because the people it's really striking to me because the people that are most outraged when they find out wait the rest of your life you have to is women is always it's the women in my life who are like wait what yeah that's how it goes that's

the rules you know when it's over i think it's over 10 years is when it when it clicks into like for the rest of you you know yeah yeah yeah no similar than any my mom or any of the women in my life they're like well you gotta do what i know i wish someone had done half of that well you pick the wrong husband you should have found a sucker like me Well, I mean, but you seem to have a good head about, like, keeping your money now. Like, you don't do frivolous things. No, I try to be, if anything, I, like, am overly frugal. I try to live below my means.

Yeah, that's a great thing to do. To me, that's one, because why I got into comedy was to be free and not to have to do as many things as I don't want to do. Obviously, so got to do things you don't want to do. but I don't want to have to do, I've been in the business long enough now where I've seen so many people who I consider very successful but have to spend most of their days

doing things they don't want to do because they have to do that to live the lifestyle that they have now. And so I've always tried to be like, I'd much rather live below my means and be able to not work for a month or not, you know, and survive. So that's with the freelance life that we live,

I think that's, ultimately important and then now I just as I get older I've just been less precious about things doing things that I never thought I do like going traders or have a cameo account now so and then finding out like it's in you know I think you get older and things change for you maybe in my 20s or 30s I would have hated it but now in my 40s like I like it it's fun it's a way to interact with people me cameo yeah yeah be kind to people like I and then I like have a little part-time job And I never want to get removed or so far in my life where I'm like, especially when I'm doing them in my hotel and then I can hear, usually I'm doing them and I can hear like the housekeepers cleaning the other rooms. And then I realize like in like 20, 30 minutes of me sitting there doing four or five cameos, I'm making more than what they're making in the day. And so I'm like, oh, I'm not above this whatsoever. Yeah. So it's just to me, it's always just being not afraid to hustle and just.

like and then trying to hold on to your money. I had a cameo account for a while and then I found it, uh, well, I mean, I gave up a few years ago and I've just found it humiliating. No, I can see that.

I just, it was like I wasn't getting a lot of, you know, it was busy for a while and then it wasn't busy and I was just like in the middle of something where I, it was like, I was not making enough money for telling someone, you know,

good luck on your finals. you know, I just was like, what am I doing? You know, and I had forgotten to do it and was like rushing to do it and then I was just like, I can't. Yeah, it gets to the game mirror in me because there's like leaderboards and streaks and all these other things.

So I end up. Oh, really? Oh, that you get competitive in that way. Oh, yeah, especially now with the other traders people when I see them if they're ahead of me on the leaderboard. I'm like, no, uh, get out of here, Durenda. And what do you do? Do you like put promos on there and go like,

hey, you know, it's me, Ron. a little promo video because I already make sketches, you know, that I put out on Instagram and one of the last ones I made was just saying that. I used to think I was above doing cameo, but thanks to the economy, that's changed and you can take advantage. Right, right.

So I just put out a little video about that, and then that day I got like 10 that came in and so that was like, you know, it's like positive to me. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. I think about it from time to time, but, you know, I don't know.

You do what calls? to you, Andy. Yes, that's true. That's true. And how many, how much are you out on the road doing dates? Right now, a lot because I don't have any current like regular acting. So I'm on the road probably

three weeks a month right now. Oh, no, oh wow. You people should go see him if you haven't seen him. Because he's really fucking funny. I'm at the best of height of my powers right now. He really is. Yeah. He really is. In fact, I can barely keep my hands off him. and I am straight as an arrow.

But there's just something so magnetic about him today. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, I wish I was better with money. I was raised by children pretty much. And usually the reverse. Yeah, yeah. No, I was raised by children.

So I had no sort of grown up sort of, you know, it was always sort of like, well, we've got $20. That means we can spend $17. and I now am married to somebody who has been a live beneath her means person, her entire life, and I'm so grateful and so just ready to go like, here, you do it. I can't even. I was talking to a friend of mine last night who's his stand-up, Brian Kylie, who's a stand-up comedian. And he was just saying, like, if I wanted to be in business, I wouldn't be a comedian. And I'm not good at math.

Like don't. And he has the same thing where I think his wife is just kind of like, you do the money things. I can't. Yeah, there's things like that. I mean, I'm not good. I am not good at day-to-day stuff. I mean, and some things I'm learning now that I got my diagnosis that I think are more autism-related than I thought before where I like I just have a hard time with busy work or like little contracts. And so there was a time that were like,

There were gigs that would be like, well, you're going to get paid $100, $150, but then they'd want me to, like, fill out a form to get the money. And I'd be like, no. I will not. No, that's too much. I did the work. Did you give me the money or let's just not do this. Tell out of form.

Yeah. So I had to learn very early in my career that I need to. that's where I put my money in the beginning was just like structure of like, I need a business manager. I need someone that's making sure that my bills are paid and in the people who call me and go like, whoa, you need to bring in more money this month. Like, you know, and so, and then I freak out. And then I like, and but they're like, no, if you don't, then, you know, we have to dip into

your savings, you know. And so to even have savings in a little time like this is beautiful. and the fact that I was able to be able to go through two divorces with no pre-up and still have my home is a blessing. So it's something that I can, and something that I still have to fight to keep. So I just, I lost focus of what we were talking about. That's all right. That's all right. It was about filling out forms.

I hate filling out forms. I just, I have, I just got, I finally, I don't know how long I, I haven't come to this building doing this show, and I finally just today got my serious XM ID that allows me to, like, swipe in. So every... That's good, because the tablet's down. Every time I had to come...

Well, yeah, there's an iPad tablet you have to sign in on. And I did it in the early days. And then after a while, I was like, I'm here for an hour. Hello, everybody at the desk. And then they started to get a little, like, he should really be filling in his. And so... And I was always like, give me a fucking ID.

I'm here all the time, you know. That's one of my least favorite things about working in any environmental when you're like, why? Why? Yes, exactly. Why? Why? Right, right.

I'm not even going to snitch on. We're not going to say his name with secure I got to the gay. It's super thing. But I'm like, you're also on your phone flirting with your girl right now. What is it? Are you strict or are you loose? Which one is it, dog? Yeah.

Get off the phone with your girl or just let me go up. Well, I just like two weeks ago came in here and started filling out the iPad and then got to like a screen that it was like not accepting what I was doing. I just like, I said to the person at the desk, I was like, look, I'm not filling this out. You know, I'm, I promise I won't steal anything. I'm doing a show. I'll be back. Don't worry. You guys got nothing in here.

I know. What is there to steal? Keyboards. Loose keyboards? Microphones. These are nice microphones. Yeah. And everybody needs a microphone

upstairs. There's a podcast epidemic. Let's go to the phones. 855-266-2-604 is the number again. Me and Ron Funches want to hear your stories about your financial problems. Hi, Sarah. Sarah, how are you?

I'm good. How are you doing? Hi, Ron. I'm good. We talk to you guys. Hi, Sarah. Hi. So what?

Tell us. My direct issue, but it became my direct issue. Okay. I had a friend in college who, you know, those friends that, you know, you're always doing things for them, and they're so appreciative of your help. But whenever you need something from them, they can just never deliver. Oh, one-way streets. Yeah. Oh, did we lose her?

Which is very good for her. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, Sarah. You cut out. Sarah, you cut out real quick. Oh.

Yeah. Hold on. Let me cut the audio. Can you hear me? Yeah, yeah. Okay, amazing. So my friend, she obviously came from very wealthy family, which is good for her. And they paid for everything the first couple of years of college. And in sophomore year of college, she got cut off because she went to Miami on a girl's trip on her parents' dime, and they didn't love that.

So after that, she all of a sudden could not afford her lavish lifestyle. You know, the nice gyms, even though we had a college gym, she was always buying new outfits. She was dark, dark, Burnett, always going blonde. So that's expensive. We'll be living in college, you know. We got $4 to our name maybe. Yeah. And, of course, we're community-based, and we are supporting one another.

If we're going out, you know, oh, someone else calls the Uber, someone else buys the round of drinks, you know, something like that. And this is built up over time where I realized, oh, I'm always calling the Uber for her. And I'm always covering her meal. I'm always buying her coffee. I'm driving her to the airport when she needs it. So she doesn't have to call an Uber. And I kind of noticed this after a while.

And I asked her to drive me to the airport one day. She goes, oh, I can't, I can't afford gas right now. And I asked her, oh, if I give you $20 for gas, would that help? And we're not far from the airport. So this doesn't really that big of a deal. He goes, no, I just can't right now. I mean, I get paid next week, but I can't. So all this leads up, after this first year of her being on her own financially,

she wants to take us up to dinner to thank us for supporting her this semester, aka she wants to say thank you for paying for everything for me. So we went to this place in our college town that did dollar margaritas, obviously, you know, discount, good deal, dollar margaritas and $2 tacos. So she's really splurging on this dinner to thank us. And I meet someone there. And she always had a guy on her line, you know, some guy that was paying for stuff because she didn't want to.

and I get talking to him like, oh, he's really funny. He's really nice. Oh, they have to be dating. Like, it has to be happening. Like, we get to talking. I'm like, oh, he's really cool. He's a really nice guy. He's really funny.

And I asked him, I'm like, oh, so are you guys dating? He goes, oh, no, she owes me $400 for paying for her hair last month. And I'm like, huh? And again, we're juniors in college. We don't have a ton of money. Yeah. I mean, we have money to get by, but we, 400. dollars.

I mean, that's not a casual amount of money. Shit. And so he gave her money to get her hair done because he really wanted to have her hair done up after the semester ended when she was going to go out. Of course. Thinking, what? How does she get this sucker to do that? And we get to talk to him.

He's very nice. He's just very reasonable. And I'm realizing, oh, we have both been sponsoring this woman this entire year. Like, we're her piggy bank. She comes to us when she needs the big bills. And we, obviously like you know kind of understanding of a mutual friend and fast word to the next semester he's in a couple of my classes and fast forward even farther uh he's now my husband we got married because we met through this friend

oh wow both were banks to um she's now a mom he has paid us both back and she apparently has gotten better with money but she does have an equinox membership so i don't know how much better she's Well, that's a fun story Yeah, that really turned it around I thought it was going to be negative Yeah, yeah, that you found love Through her shitty manipulation She brought you together

Yeah, I want to And hearing Sorry, go ahead If anything, I feel like you owe her more money Yeah 400 bucks is a small You pay for her dinner at the wedding That's pretty close

Yeah, that's all right, yeah That's pretty good I love how much you talk trash about her It was venomous She was a piece of shit Anyway Anyway we're friends now Yeah she's a mom

She's living She had the temerity to join a nice gym Fuck her All right Sarah What they No We're just We're just having fun

You know We're not good people Thank you, Sarah. If you were good people. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks, Andy.

Bye, Ron. All right, bye, bye, bye, Sarah. Just when she was in the middle of her story about, like, moochy roommates, it just reminded me on one of the funniest things. And when I was in college, I had a roommate who decided he was getting high too much and his big, his big announcement and his big, like, what he was, you know, what he was going to do. He said, like, I'm going to quit buying weed. He wasn't going to quit smoking weed.

Just quit buying it. And smoke everybody else. Which meant like my fucking weed. Yeah. And I was like instantly, I was like, that is not a plan to cut back on wheat. It's a plan to save money. Yeah. But it's not a plan to cut back on wheat, considering everyone you know gets high.

It's still cutting back. I know, but, but I mean, but it's like. I feel bad for Sarah's friend. I've been both the moocher and then the one mooched upon. Yeah. And sometimes you're the moocher just because of the where you're, You are in life and you're like you don't want to be, you know? Yeah, but did you spend $400 on your hair when you were in moochers?

That's where you draw the line. Yeah, no. But I didn't. Maybe she's got a great rack. If I had a great rack, I would have tried to get a 400. There is usually people that are able to manipulate money out of people do tend to be on the good looking side. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. If I had six back abs, yeah, I could have gotten 400. easily. I know, but I mean, really, is it worth it? No, I don't think so. $400 for all that work? No, thanks. No, you know mooters who live their whole life as mooters, and then they die as mooters, and you're like, ooh, what a sad life. Living off of someone else your whole life.

Right. But also, dying debt-free. Sort of. It's everyone else's things. John from Columbus. You're here with us. Ron and me, what's your story, bud? Andy, Ron, how we doing today? Doing great. How are you? I'm doing well, doing well. This story is not about my financial poor choices, but my

fathers. Oh, boy. Yeah. So, summer of 91, my dad, he did all kinds of different things. He sold propane and propane accessories. He sold cars, but someone got his ear about the lucrative business of beef jerky distribution. And so at the time, he was the treasurer for my sister's high school band. She was graduating that summer, and he was still the treasurer, and he decided to take a bit of that money from the treasury to start a beef jerky business. Oh, boy. Hear him and hear him out.

He tried to flip it. All right, all right, all right. He's going to flip it, that big jerky hot. All right, John. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I don't want, I don't, you know, no spoilers. It's, you know, at that time, you know,

Terriaki jerky was really trending. So I get it. I mean, it was, you know. But so it, you know, he thought he was going to have such a fast turnaround that, you know, he'd get the money back, you know, before the end of the summer when school started, but it didn't exactly work out that way. So, yeah.

I mean, not to throw away. Blake, he ended up write dear John letter to my mom and split in town. And, yeah, we ended up with a garage full of beef jerky. What? And he, like, he had to skip town, like, because there was a warrant out after him, right? Correct. How much money was this? I would say, I think it was, like, $25,000 or $30,000.

Holy shit. That's a well-funded band. And they say they don't fund the arts. Well, no, no. They had done a bunch of fundraising because they were doing a trip to Disney world that following year. Oh, he took the kid's trip to Disney? I know, I know. We were not a popular family in that town.

That's terrible. Have you, I mean, like this, I mean, we're laughing about it, but that's got to really suck. And I hope you've had some counseling over it. Oh, oh yes, yes Yeah That's a shitty fucking thing For a dad to do It is

And you know As an adult As a father As a family man You know I know his intentions Were to provide For his family

And just It was just a really poor choice And putting all your eggs And the beef turkey basket That's a lot of beef turkey That is a lot of beef turkey Yeah Because you're getting it wholesale too

And that's not retail price Right So what did you do Did you just, I mean, did you at least give the town free beef jerky? No, didn't have a chance to do that. But it's, you know, the family life took a, you know, a dramatic turn. Yeah. Yeah.

My mother came out as a lesbian, and it was a whole 180s. Wow. We got to sell this to Netflix. There's a story. Tear jerkeys. A sad story about loss and love. Dry beef.

And dried beef. Wow. Do you think it was the jerky that turns your mom gay? It could have been. It might have been. You never know. You smell that much beef jerky in your house. You're going to become.

as well as yeah it makes you it makes you tough yeah yeah you know what's what's really funny is that uh you know my dad the texas man and he lives there now and for christmas he sends us a brisket and beef jerky oh my god just a fun little reminder that's so funny he's at least he's got a sense of humor about it now does he know like does he understand the significance that comes from that or is he sort of uh no he just appreciate no he just appreciates fine smoked meat

as I do. Yeah, yeah, sure. I thought he was still working off in surplus. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Giving this for gifts for the rest of it. Does have a long shelf life. See?

It's an investment that never goes bad. All right, John. Thanks so much for the call. Oh, my God. All right. Enjoy talking to you guys. Take care. I love that story.

That was amazing. That's better than the miniature wife's going to be. And just, I just, there's so many. like just the pathos of stepping out into a garage full of beef jerky the smell of it must be overpowering and just and then the fat going to school all the all the family memorabilia and knick-knacks that must been displaced to make room for the jerky for all the jerky yeah and then like I guess it's too late to ask now but I'm like how long before between all the the jerky arriving, do they figure out how he paid for the jerky?

I think it sounded like the jerky arrived after he had skipped town. That's what I thought. No, no, it can't because he had to try to sell something. I'm not going to fight with you on this. Okay. Well, John, well, yeah, call back later. Yeah, call back for an update. Yeah, yeah.

Next up, Bridget from Ohio. How are you, Bridget? Hey, Andy. Hi, I'm good. I'm not sure I can top the beef jerky story, but I'll try. That's all right. You're not a competition. Yeah, yeah.

You just be the best bridge that you can be. All right. So this is a financial decision I made when I was seven. Okay. One of my brothers and my sister and my parents, we took a cross-country trip from Ohio to California and an RV. And we camp somewhere in Nevada. and the convenience store at the campground had slot machines. So my brother and I wandered in, and because this was the 70s, I was wearing painter's pants,

I had a lot of pockets. And I was playing the nickel slots. I hit the jackpot. Nichols are spilling out onto the floor. I'm stuffing my pockets with money. And some do-gooder comes in, points at the over-18 for the slot machines, and we got kicked out. and I ran back to the RV. My brother had already gotten there, told my father what happened.

And as I walk in, my dad was pretending to be on the phone with my uncle saying that, you know, Bridget had broke the law. We were going to have to hide her. We might have to leave the state right away. And I was terrified. And so when they went out to eat that night, I decided to stay back. and I took my little seven-year-old hands and I buried the money under the RV because I thought it was going to jail.

And you had all the pockets full of nickel, so the hurry back to the RV was loud and uncomfortable, I'm sure. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Bridget, I love everything about you. I don't think you did anything wrong whatsoever. First of all, you got good luck. It's hard to hit on that.

the slots. You did and you hit the jackpot. That's right. And then you got snitched upon and that's rude and that's the world always going to be like that. And then when you were placed under pressure where you thought and your own dad turned against you with me, I'd be like, no, we got to go down to casino. And I

get the rule, but she hit the jackpot. We need the rest of our nickels. Right, exactly. That's what I was hoping. That was the story. It was dad was like, where's my daughter's nickel? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then when you think you're going under jail, you don't, you don't snitch. You don't roll over.

You don't give up your knuckles. You say, well, I'm going to sit out, do my time. And when I'm out, I know where my nickels are going to be. I'll be swimming in nickels. I love that about you. Yeah, I never turned into a gambler. So maybe that's the moral of the story. Did you ever go back and try and dig up the nickels?

No, but they didn't. No, I did it until we had already left. And they were just like, dude, we were only kidding. Oh, wow. Yeah. How many nickels do you think it was? Like now in your adult? estimation.

Oh, that's a great question. I don't know. Nichols. How many nickels? Was it enough to fill, say, like, a 16-ounce cup? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Was it enough to fill a coffee can?

Oh, yeah, definitely. Holy shit, that's a lot of nickels. Wow. If I was your dad, I would be turning, I'd be making a fucking U-turn and going right back to that spot. You guys support your kids when they find their calling. Yeah.

You know? And if you were meant to be professional gambling, right. And you good at it, get at it. Yeah, yeah. And if they're on the lamb, you're on the lamb. Yes.

That's part of the parental contract. Yeah, well, we missed the calling, I guess. Yeah, yeah. To be on the lamb. Well, thank you for the call, Bridget. Yeah, you held up well. You did a good job. Yeah, you did.

You've stayed away from that one-arm bandit. That's good. Have a good day. All right. Bye-bye now. 855-266-2-604 is the number to call. We're talking money. We're talking fun.

We're talking heartbreak. Now we're talking to Ted. Talking beef jerks. Oh, wait a minute. Ted's got a wild card. That's an off-topic call, basically. Yeah, yeah. So, Ted, this is exciting.

What's your wild card? Hey, Andy, hey Ron. Hi there. Good to talk to you guys. First, Roadrash 3D on the original PlayStation. That's one of my dad of my favorite games back when I was a kid. So I think we're chintred spirits on that one. Oh, I love that.

I could get lost in that thing. Yeah. Oh, so much fun. I have four stupid injury stories for you. So I can hit them quickly. and I don't want to take up so much your time. So you guys let me know if you're interested in any and I'll, I'll, uh, more details.

I want you to prioritize them. Give us the best one first. Okay. We don't need a build. We just need, we need instant gratification. Okay. So,

number one, I burned a hole in my tongue with a boiling pizza oil. That was, I was at the Jersey Shore with my high school friends. early in the morning and everyone else was passed out from drinking the night before. I was not. No smartphone, so I was just walking around, wandering around the boardwalk alone, looking for food. And I saw a vendor pulling the first pizza out of the oven for the day, starving.

So I grabbed the slice right out of the oven, folded it like classic New York style, and the boiling oil that pulled on top of the cheese just funneled directly onto the center of my tongue. And it burned a hole, the size of the dime right on the center of my tongue. Wow. Well, when you say a hole, it didn't burn through alien style, did it? No, no, no. Okay. Not through.

Not all the way through. It was just like, like probably the depth of a dime, sizing depth of a dime. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. So no taste buds and just like a permanent. white scar right there it's fucked up forever right yeah it's still fucked up yeah wow yeah i still have to go to an oral surgeon twice a year to make sure i'm not uh developing dysplasia there so um

yeah don't wait wait for your pizza to cool down okay okay all right next story yeah next one that um i took a spring loaded trangle bed to the head uh and that was uh that was in my 20s living in chicago um And I was visiting some relatives in the suburbs overnight, and they had bought a new frontal bed, so I didn't have to sleep on the couch. So I just needed to set it up. But it was brand new, so like I was having a hard time getting the legs to open. So flip it over on its side, and I saw this like tension wire holding the spring-loaded legs in place. And asked my aunt to hold it in place while I sniff the wire, and it didn't really. realize how spring loaded those legs actually were because they ejected right onto the top of my skull.

Everything went gray. There was blood pouring down my face and had to go to the ER, get staples in my scalp, and now I have a two-inch scar that shows up every time I shaved my head. Wow. And your aunt had to clean up a bunch of blood. And they ruined that new bed. I don't remember. Everything was foggy. Was that, now was that, was that line meant to be snipped? Yeah, you know, it was, it was a brand new bed. So, you know, I think they packaged it that way, so it was, so it would lay flat. And, you know, in order for it to, like, raise up to the level of a normal bed, I guess you needed to cut that wire.

You know, I don't have any memory. So, so fair right after that. So I don't even know where I slept exactly. probably not on the trundle bed, I guess. All right. Now tell us your third fuck up. Number three. Number three, hit directly in the eye with a bungee cord.

Okay. And this, yeah, this was in my 30s living in Philly with my now wife. I was unpacking the car, had dog crates in the back. My wife took the dogs inside, so I was in the parking garage by myself, and I was strapping the crates. just strapping the folded up dog crates to a hand truck. And I reached the bungee cord over, try to hook it on to the bottom of it.

But the hook on the bungee cord slipped off, slapped me right in my right eyeball. And I'm just standing there screaming. Like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. And people, like two people, you know, far on the other side of the parking garage rushed over, see what was wrong. And I was just yelling,

Is my eye still there? Like, is it bleeding? And it turns out everything was fine. It was a plastic hook and not a metal hook because I think I would have lost my eye, if not for that. And, you know, everything was okay. I just, my vision was blurry for a while. I had to wear a patch and just use some anti-inflammatory drops. You should wear a motorcycle helmet all the time.

I feel like Ted is cursed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're all like head injuries. You should fuck up some other part of your body just to mix it up. that's that's that's well that's this last one i need to wear protective gloves okay so number four yeah yeah number four this was like a year or so ago um i uh i bought a little drone to chase away geese on my property as one does it's a lot of fun but uh yeah of course um so i had just finished flying around and uh you know i was coming in for the landing and i you know how

you see people that shoot videos with their drones of them like landing them in their hand. Sure. And you saw it not when they have your type of background. Right, right, exactly. You thought with my track word, this will be a breeze. With my lack of death perception from my eye injury. Yeah, exactly.

So, you know, as I'm sure you could guess at this point, I didn't have my fingers flat enough. They got chopped up in the blades, blood sprained everywhere. They wouldn't stop bleeding and, you know, just wrapped them up in a rag. And finally, my wife got liquid bandage at the pharmacy. And that actually works really, really well. I didn't even know it existed. But, you know, the next terrible accident I get into, I'll be sure to use that. Superglue works the same way.

It's kind of almost the same thing. That was my gut instinct. Yeah. But she told me, no, I'll go get liquid bandage. don't put something toxic into your bloodstream. So I'm not going to marry to her, I think I'll probably live a little bit longer. Yeah, we got to let. A little bit.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, let her handle things. Good idea. Well, thank you, Ted. I'm glad I'm glad that you've at least diversified your injuries. I'm glad you're still alive. You're still alive, yeah. All right.

Thank you, Ted. Great talking to you guys. All righty. Thank you. Via Condios. 855-26-2-6-2-604. Let's go to Josh. Josh?

You got me and Ron. Hi, hi, hi, hi. What's up? Thanks for having me. So I'll get right into it. It's a little wordy. But so in my previous career, I traveled around to various nuclear plants across the country. And I was a scaffold director for their maintenance outages.

Not glorious by any means. But a friend of mine and I got a couple of. called to this job in Mississippi, and so we needed a room to stay in. And this was the last time I ever used Craigslist legitimately. So found the house. Pictures looked good. The guy was a college professor. So I said, okay, we'll be coming down late like 11 p.m. Is that okay? He said, bring it on. We got there, paid him, gave my friend the room that was in the pictures. He led me to my room. It was okay. But the next day, we get up. We're looking around, and it was a disaster.

So in the kitchen, there were food splatters all over the walls from, I guess, aggressive cooking maybe. I don't know. Dirty, moldy dishes, rotten food in the fridge. And in the fridge, there was like a five-subject college binder. Inside the binder, steaks, fully cooked steaks. So it's a little weird. Were they in, like, pockets?

or were they just stacked up? Like were they labeled? They were stacked up. They were in the pages just stacked together. Wow. So when I pressed the guy about the whole situation, and then I was like, and then what's up with the stakes?

And he said that the cafeteria at the college he works at will only let you have one. So he's been throwing them in a binder and bringing them home. Wow. And yeah, so I asked for my money back and kind of said, you know,

the state of this kitchen is just horrible. He offered to clean the fridge, and I said, I think it's a little too late for that. He offered to get me a membership to that cafeteria so that I could also steal steaks, but I guess I would have to get my own binder, maybe. Well, did you move out? Did you move out and go somewhere else? Yeah, so that same morning that I was trying to confront him about these things after he didn't relent, I just said,

well, you know, I want my money back and you're offering to clean this place. And I think that ship has sailed. And then, you know, my friend was not there when all this conversation was happening. So I just decided to eat the embarrassment and just tell him that I had gotten our money back. And I gave him his part out of my pocket and lived with the shame until this very moment. Oh, you're a good guy. Yeah, you're a good guy. Yeah, because it is like, what are you going to be to sue that guy, you know?

I hope you at least stole his stakes. I thought about it, but, you know, there's no telling how long it. You could just toss them by the roadside and something to leave, you know, but just not let him have them. That was actually my next to last travel assignment I ever took before I switched careers. It was that bad. Yeah. How long were you there? For that job, it was going to be about a three, three.

to five-week endeavor. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Well, Josh, you're an honorable man, and I'm sure that your friend appreciated that. Yeah, nothing to be ashamed of. Yeah, yeah. But I do make poor financial decisions on occasion. Well, that's okay.

That's okay. We all do. I think there's a difference between making a poor financial decision and being scammed. Yeah. And you got scammed. And you got scammed. And, again, you also, too, like, I also, understand there is a point at which you weigh out okay do I continue fighting this fight or do I just save my energy and just move on and just move on and that and you did that and I totally understand situations where you do that kind of thing and and paying your friend out of your pocket that's something that that's something I would very well have done too like just so I didn't have to have them go like hey what the fuck we got to get after that guy just like no let's just get this over

over with and get it underway. Yeah, it ended up working out. We made a lot of money on my job. Oh, good. You know, what's a few hundred bucks there? Yeah. You can afford all the steak you want. All right, Josh, thanks so much for the call. Thanks for having me.

Sure, no problem. All right, next up, we got Sarah from North Carolina. She's got an eBay scam. This sounds good. Hi, Sarah. You got me and Ron Funge is here. Tell us about. the eBay scam.

I am such a huge fan of both of you. Oh, thank you so much. It's great to be talking to. Thank you. So this was, I was probably 16 or 17, so eBay was just a thing, probably 99, 2000. It was really popular or, you know, becoming popular. I grew up on Long Island, and there were, we used Nextel cell phones. I don't know if you guys know what that.

Yeah, they were like walkie-talkie. Yeah, yeah. That little chirk. Yeah, they were. Really fucking annoying. They were construction guy. You know, that's like all the construction people had him. Exactly, exactly.

So they somehow became popular. And I wanted the new one that had color on the screen so bad. So my mom told me she was going to get it for me for whatever Christmas or whatever was coming up. But I was being an impatient. selfish jerk and I wanted it now. So I worked some extra shifts at the restaurant. I saved up some money. I fine went on eBay for $500, or something insane like that. And they were impossible to find. So I messaged the guy and I'm like, look, I'm almost there. Please, can you just hold it for me? I'm saving up. I really want this phone. He's like, well, you're in luck because I have one

with an open box that I'll sell you for $300. off of eBay. We'll just do it privately. So I'm like, perfect. And I had to go get a money order. So I'm standing in line waiting to get the money order. And I'm thinking, like, I just suddenly start to think, like, sure, what if I send them my $300 or my $300 and I don't get anything back? So I go home, I message him again. and I asked him, well, how do I protect myself? You know, what do I do? And he said, well, you're in luck because I can sell you an insurance plan for $65. No insurance gets you. Yes.

Yes, I did. Yes, Andy, I did. Oh, wow. Yeah. And nothing showed up and there was no. Oh, boy. Did you use the insurance plan? You got me

Well, my grandma felt so bad for me She ended up buying it for me So the moral of the story is I asked grandma first, I guess Wow And I mean, is there any sort of like Well, you didn't even do it on eBay either So you'd

That's the scam Because eBay has protection So he was like, you're in luck We could do this where you're not protected In any form good. That is smooth. Yeah, so, you know. All right. Well, Sarah, I'm glad that...

I'm glad that you've moved on from that. And that... But you know what, next show, it would still be kind of a fun thing. Yeah, that'd be cool if you did have... I mean, you did have it. So, I mean, that's cool. You got it? Yeah, yeah. Beep, beep. You still got it? I wish I would have to say, well.

Yeah, yeah. I, who knows, maybe. I'd have to try to dig it out, but I will say those things were in destruction. I actually left one on the hood or the roof of my car. drove away with it and like found it two days later and it still works wow that's amazing all right sarah thank you so much thank you guys have a great one all right you too all right david from missouri's calling and i i can't wait to hear this story because all it says is david from missouri jennifer aniston so jennifer anderson was a terrible money mistake that you made well no not me um

I have a friend who had a brother-in-law who one day his wife went to withdraw money from their joint account, and there was no money there. There should have been a lot of money there. They did well for themselves, and there was none. And she went home to ask her husband what was going on, and he very nonchantly said, oh, Jennifer Anderson was on the Internet, and she said she needed a certain amount of money right away. So I gave it to her. Not only did he do this once, he did it multiple times until he was broke. and he was convinced that Jennifer Aniston was going to meet him for a personal meeting to thank him for sending his money. Oh, boy.

And he never, no matter what she did, no matter what he did, he never would be convinced that it was not Jen for instance. That is, that stuff happens all the time. It does. It's crazy. Like, who is it? I just heard something that the guy from Paul Hollywood from the Great British Bake Off. Oh, course. Hollywood Henshay.

He had to put on social media. I am not asking anyone for money because there were so many people being asked for money. Yeah, I mean, that's just a whole scam of every celebrity of every level. I see accounts like that of mine where people, well, they'll go in and interact with my comments to try to get people to come in and then scam them for money. Oh, I just got a DM from Stephen Tyler from Aerosmith. He needs the money? No, he just wanted to chat. He's like, he's just reaching out to the true fans.

And he's like, and this is really me. Some of those other ones weren't me, but this one is really me. Yeah. I don't think it was him. Dmiti Martin needed $500 for me to get home. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Please, please, stranger. $500. They ended up, they ended up divorced and came an alcoholic. Oh, my goodness. It was a bad situation. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad.

Oh, my gosh. I'm glad she got out of that. And you know what? If I run into Jennifer Anderson, I'm going to tell her, like, she really fucked that guy's life up. She should give him some of that money back. Yeah, she's got plenty of money. That's so weird. So weird.

Yeah. Well, I guess. It's hard to keep that hairstyle up. Yeah. Well, she does plenty of ads for things. That's true. You know, so. Well, all right, David.

Thank you so much. Yes, and thank you, and I love you guys, both you have, for many years. Oh, thank you, David. All right, we got time for one more, and apparently this is a follow-up call. This is Bailey from Wisconsin, and apparently your brother called in during weird pet stories. So catch us up, because Ron wasn't here. I don't know. Yeah, he doesn't know what this is about.

So you're going to have to do some on last week's episode. This is rude to me. Yeah. Yeah, I can give you a rundown really quick. Okay. Yeah, thank you for taking my call. Sure. And, Andy, I loved you as Donnie Richter in the Rested Development.

Thank you. Thank you. So my name is Bailey. I'm Zane from Wisconsin's sister. He called in to tell you about my mom's standard poodle that has been known for eating vehicles and has eaten a car so bad that she totaled it. and my brother I was pretty disappointed that he didn't have the right facts to provide you. Yeah, because we were a little in disbelief over that, like how that would be possible.

Understandable. I mean, I feel like a nut job trying to tell people about this, but yeah. So I know you were saying that you didn't understand how it could have been totaled. So I'll give you a little more background. And this is also bad with money, obviously. Yeah, okay. As well as possible wild card. But my mom was

My mom was beginning her journey as being a snowboard And she was early from Illinois So this is ultimately on her trip down to Florida But she So it started the dog actually ripped the lining off the roof of the car Previously and my mom paid to replace that That was about $500 to replace the lining initially And then she determined that she wanted more space

and her SUV for things to bring down. So instead of putting the dog in a kennel, like a reasonable person might do, she made a barrier to keep the dog in like the way back end of the SUV. And she used cookie drying rack that she kind of like zip tied together to try to keep the dog out of the front. Like a cop car. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But with cookie drying seats, so, you know, very effective. But the dog has been known to eat seatbelts, like she's eaten a lot of seatbelts in her life. Jesus Christ. So she had just replaced the ceiling maybe a month, if even before, and she gets less than 30 minutes away from her hometown, and the dog has already started to eat through the new sealing.

And then I get an update for my mom when she's in Indianapolis or somewhere around there saying that she has no radio at that point in the car. So whatever the dog is doing in the ceiling, ate through the wiring, caused it to not have radio anymore. The antenna, I would imagine. Yeah, I guess. I didn't know it ran through the ceiling, but it must. And then once she was down in Florida,

and I guess thinking about this to talk to you, I didn't really think of at the time to have asked, like, did you not experience these things before you got to Florida, or did this start happening and you just continued down? But ultimately, by the time she got to Florida, she had no power steering, and she had to use a penknife to like shift gears in this car. So whatever the dog did.

Yeah. And I- Just from eating the ceiling. Yep. To my knowledge. Again, I wasn't actually in the car. Right. I saw the photos of the destruction in the vehicle.

I mean, if you want those, I could send them. No, that's okay. And there's a video of her using her explaining how she uses her pin knife to shift the gears of this vehicle once the dog had destroyed it. So, yeah, so there's still some questions, but definitely caused by the dog. Has your mom, as your mom ever been institutionalized? Because I also think she may have, I don't know, did she pick someone up along the way? Did she, you know, gambling issues? I've seen the dog in action.

No gambling? Yeah, thankful for that. So, you know, you always worry about your mom, you know, being a widower, like, a man to take her money. It is just a dog. Or her transmission. It's incredible. It's an amazing dog.

It's like they should have harnessed him for the military in some way. Yeah. We would like, sorry, go ahead. No, you go ahead. I was just going to say we would like her to like get a sponsorship from like a car company to be able to say like it's my mom proof and dog proof because she herself isn't great on cars. but yeah she's eaten multiple vehicles she even like chewed through a headrest of a rental car once so you know

she was in the kennel for that one too is she as destructive in the house the dog generally no unless there's a storm so she definitely has a lot of anxiety oh wow wow yeah it's untreated anxiety but yeah i know it's yeah i love dogs for sure i love dogs but that makes a dog very very hard to love. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And she's very sweet, but yeah, she's hard to love. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, sounds like you have a little terrorist.

Just terrorizes in your house. Devil dog. That's what I'd say. I'm not even religious, but that's a devil dog. Yeah. I had to turn my vehicle into an unsanctioned cop car to get my dog around. And I'm like, this is normal. Exactly. This is what I do with someone I love. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also the dog has the ability to ruin the transmission from the cargo. area. Yeah, that's where I got questions. Yeah, that, see, that's like, that would be, it's like people that actually, you know, get, get, like, incarcerated, like, if there was somehow, like, you know, like convicts knew how to disable a van from the cargo area, oh, it'd be a, it'd be a, it'd be mayhem. So we were both thinking that the dog did some stuff, but then also the mom's lying a little bit. I feel like a little, yeah. I mean, no offense. I mean, I don't know. No, no, no, it's valid. It is, it is. That is very valid. But, yeah, it could have been a multitude of things that kind of came together. She always thinks that things are just happening to her, too, but she doesn't pause to, like, think things through. Yeah, responsibility is not a big, yeah, yeah, right. Okay. Yep.

All right, well, Bailey, thanks for the follow-up. It's, we're still scratching our heads here a little bit, but I like, I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, we will figure it out. Yes. We will. Well, thank you so much, you guys. Great fans. Oh, thank you. This is our other Netflix movie.

Yeah. All right, now we're going to pick the favorite caller. I just got to say, I really think it's the dad embezzling money for beef jerky. How could it be anything else? That was so good. It was a great story from beginning to end. It had high stakes. We couldn't even really imagine that there was so much money being spent on beef jerky.

No, no. And the band, you know, like their broken hearts, they can't go to Disney World. Left the family over it. Yeah. And then feel beautiful, ended up having the mom coming out, living her life. Finally, yeah. I think the band should have sold the jerky to remake their money on the Disneyland trip. I think that could have worked.

Again, I understand the dad's M.O. on that jerky was hot. Yeah. Not everyone had jerky. Right, exactly. You couldn't get it everywhere. Oh, there was a jerky scarcity in those days. Yeah. You just like, what?

You got a beef that's different? Let me try it out. Tonight's top story, jerky drought. Ron, thank you for coming in. Thank you for having me. It's always a joy to see you. You got anything you want to plug? I'm on tour.

Come see me, Ron Funches.com. You can see where I'm at, but I'm going all over the place from Utah to Boston to Salt Lake City this weekend to D.C. If you live in a city in the United States or in the UK, I'm probably coming to see you. So go to wrongfletches.com. Do it. All right, thanks, folks. I'll be back next week. I think.

I don't know. Maybe I won't be. Nice. I like this. Oh, we won't be. Yeah, we are going to be back next week. That's right. I knew something was up.

I love you all. I release you.