The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Ron Funches: First Jobs (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

Comedian Ron Funches (Inside Out 2, Loot) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk FIRST JOBS! In this episode of Andy’s new weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear from callers about teenaged private detectives, the delivery gig that led to an “Eyes Wide Shut” party, kids working in cornfields, workplace freak-outs, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Hello! Hello everyone, you're listening to the Andy Richter College Show, live on Conan O'Brien Radio. I don't know why I'm doing a nighttime voice in the middle of the day. It's me, Andy Richter, the namesake of this thing. And I'm lucky enough that I have one of the funniest people on the planet here with me today to help me out, Ron Funches, the very hilarious standup and actor and all around man about town. Hi, Ron. Hey, it's me coming through on your XM dial.

You get it, it's radio time. You have to be. Yeah, we're in front of fancy microphones with like these weird, the cubes that have things written on them. That's right, there's no time like now and there's no place like here on the Andy Richter Call-In Show.

I love the Andy Richton Caller Show. Well anyway, we're live as I said, and you out there, you can give us a call right now at 855-266-2604, 855-266-2604. We are talking first jobs. Doesn't have to be the first job, but like your early jobs, like the jobs that you took when you were young because you didn't know what else to do and you needed money Pre-career jobs. Yeah, and I imagine I mean I had a number of them

I've been you know, I mean if you count paper routes, I've been working since I was probably 13 And I know you've had a number of them. I've had a few I worked at Chuck E Cheese Yeah, which I thought I would have been an excellent mouse But they never allowed me to do that as they thought I was too shy and quote-unquote creepy Well, how would they tell once you're in the mouse costume? That's what I thought Yeah, they had a lot of things there were a lot of issues going on politics Someone got fired for having sex on the air hockey table. It was a corrupt environment.

Oh my God. I hope it was after hours. That would be alarming to the kids trying to play ski ball. What did you do? Were you just like sort of a pizza maker? I just made pizza in the bag and I learned quickly that that's a skill that I do not possess. My pizzas look horrible. Isn't Chuck E. Cheese pizza just basic,

I can't imagine it's very like. No, it's low quality and low standards and I could not meet those standards. Oh, Ron. I just not good, I don't have an eye for the presentation of pizza. Could not cut it to save my life. I lasted like three weeks and that was it for me.

Oh well. I think it's also too, you know, you were ready for real showbiz. Yeah, yeah. Not that shitty hind teeth showbiz. No, no, I moved from that and yeah, straight into working at Gro3 Outlets for a while. Now while you're doing all this are you

are you you are going to be a comedian? Like is it in your mind to be a comedian yet or? No not yet. With the job I didn't start becoming a thing about becoming a comedian until I started working at a bank call center called Wachovia Bank which is now part of Wells Fargo because

they didn't survive and I was doing a bunch of call-ins, hated the job, hated talking to people who were getting their accounts overdrawn and have to try to deny them their refunds. It was very soul-crushing but they also had these other things like ceremonies and just big conferences where they would let you Present different skill sets and they thought I was good at talking to people on the phone And so they were like make a little sketch about handling stress on the job They pulled me off the phones for like a week. I made this sketch

They played it for the team and everybody laughed and I just filled me with this thing. I'm like, oh, they're laughing at these jokes about working at a bank and I hate it here. What if I actually wrote jokes I cared about? And then they were like, get back on the phones. And I was like, no, I'm gonna go do open mics and stop, I'm gonna basically, you guys are gonna fire me in the next three weeks. I mean, was it just like people that like had

overdrafts or like mostly that was most my job was dealing with people who had overdrafts and this was before Obama had put those rules in place about available draft fees or available funds versus your actual balance and you know you'd get the deposit well your deposit didn't hit yet so you gotraft. So you were just screwing people over left and right, and they would basically tell you if they have a lot of money to refund them, and if they don't, don't. And so it was very, you know,

especially coming from where I came from, when you see like, well I'm just starting this cycle over every month, putting these people in the hole, and they're never gonna be able to dig out. It's not a fun place to work. Yeah, that is fucked up. It's like to the people that it's meaningful, fuck them over. But to the people who it's dropping the bucket, let them off the hook. Yeah, and let them yell at you for even having the audacity to taking that $30.

Oh my God. Wow. Well, I just worked for my stepfather's plumbing business. That's right, even if you didn't say that, just by looking at you, I would, that's what it was. I guess that I worked at, yeah, yeah. That you worked at something called Anson's. I was not one of the Anson's, and there wasn't, it wasn't in the name, but it certainly was. It was, it was my step grandfather and his sons

that took on the business. And it was, I mean, it was basically just my brother and I would get dragged there. And the most striking things were, there was this big warehouse behind it that was just like a labyrinth of just like old shit that people would store back behind it. And as a kid, it seemed like, you know, like a movie set or something of like a haunted place. And then the plumbers in their back bathroom, which was disgusting, you know, you think like you're supposed to have pride in these fixtures. It was the largest pile of the most disgusting pornography that my brother and I could not get enough of.

Yeah, that's a real job perk. Yeah, it sure is. It was great and also disturbing. One of the disturbing part really is the on the job part. Right. That like that's a real home situation. So that tells me that every time someone took a break at this job that they were working on they both pooped and then cranked one out. Yes. Yes. Yes.

And I don't think that that was so present in my mind at the time. But like I say, the weirdness and the variation and the disturbing nature of much of the pornography, I was, I mean, and I'm talking, I was like 11, 12, something like that. I did understand the purpose of pornography. And even at that age, I was like, people are cranking one out to this. Like this is supposed to do it for you. And I was, I realized that my, my, I'm not going to match anybody's kink or my anybody's freak, I should say. That's so fun. You were really close. I was so close. You were so close. I wanted to quote Tenashe so badly. Yeah, they could have made a clip and everything. I'm sorry

I'm sorry Let's go to the phones for Christ's sake before I fuck it up again Um we got Dan Dan's calling from Olympia, Washington. Hello, Dan. You got me and Ron Hey Andy and Ron great to talk to you. Thank you, good to talk to you too. So this is not my first job but an early job. This is actually about a year out of high school, dropped out and all that type of stuff. I actually can't remember how I got hooked up with this guy. I've been doing temp work but this is outside that.

So I'm in Olympia about a half hour south of Tacoma and so every day I would drive up to coma It's about a half hour drive and this is in the middle of like an urban area Drive is the ugly ugly drive. Oh, yeah so The lot where we were working what actually used to be like a giant gas station. Like in the 50s was one of the biggest in the area. And apparently when they were doing it, it was the style of the time. They had a pipe in the back and they just dumped everything down the pipe.

And so this was considered a toxic waste site. There was literally a safe way across the street, but we were on a lot that had like barbed wire fences all the way across the property Nobody could come in we couldn't have power. We couldn't have water. We couldn't have anything So it all came across through extension cords Water was uh collected in the ceiling, uh in tarps and an elaborate series of tarps that went into garbage cans Um, and I was doing tech work for the guy Like what could possibly be being done at this place?

Well, he was breeding mastiffs. That was one thing that was in the back. Okay. But literally is he, he sold Quonset huts, you know, like the half circle sheds. Like what Gomer Pyle lived in for the old people out there. Yeah, but they were made with plastic and this was the year 2000 and so he was selling

online and so he had me submitting his sites or sites, there were multiples of them, to Yahoo and Google and Alta Vista and HotBot. This was back before Google was the only thing. And literally just spamming them nonstop every day. And I told him, it's like, this doesn't work. It actually hurts you. But the guy was just like, yeah, just do it. He was paying me under the table.

He was paying me to drive. Every day I drove him to the Y to go work out in his Giant 72 white caddy. Um, and he actually transferred the title of it to me. So his ex wife wouldn't take it. It was just like, this is pointless, but you're paying me. And the guy was just, he was an entire family of crazy people. I actually ended up working for a sister who literally works two husbands to death, running a bed and and breakfast and they were just weird batshit people. Wow. It was just bizarre and but yeah we I had to flush the toilet with a bucket because we didn't have running water and so just

go out in the back and it was just bizarre and I don't know. Was it just that this land was cheap because it was an open pit of toxic waste? That that's why he had this massive farm and Quonset hut business there? So his father actually ran the place when it was a gas station. And so this was family property. Kind of like the rest of the family, they were just toxic and unusable. So they just kept using it because they could but literally just in the middle there was like houses all around in a safeway

and it was just like this thing that was just covered in barbed wire and blackberries and Ron is obviously familiar with the area we have Fort Lewis and McCord Air Force base like giant army installations he wouldn't sell to the government he refused to sell to the government so literally he was passing we were getting phone calls every day he was passing up on half a million half million dollar contracts because he didn't trust the government yeah and was he trying to start his own community I don't know that I wouldn't pass them. Okay But I remember one thing that just stood out is I was working one day doing the pointless work and everything and he

was sitting on a couch reading and he's just like you think it's possible to Transmit our souls into crystals. Yeah Yeah, yeah classic what I thought. Yeah. Yeah, it's like- Classic PNW. I honestly don't know. Exactly. So, my mom actually encouraged me to skip getting an actual job and stick with this guy. And I was like, no, this is stupid. And so I actually got a real job

and now I actually work in the tech industry at real companies. Wow, with dental and everything? Let them learn. That's really, but I love that cause that's classic moms where they'll just be like, well, you know, a bird in hand. That's really, but I love that, cause that's classic moms, where they'll just be like, well, you know, a bird in hand. That's right.

You got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep working at the toxic dope. It's good. Yeah, you don't have to pay taxes. All right, well Dan, thanks for calling. Thank you, bye. All right, next, we got Susan from Laguna Beach. Susan. Hi. Hi, Susan. You've

got Andy Richter and Ron Funches ready to hear your tale of woe. Hi, Ron. Thank you for having me. Yeah, so my first full-time job was I did some high school ones but the first full-time job I had was when I was 19 years old and it was as a private investigator in downtown LA. I was yeah, it was just I was going in for an interview to answer phones because I wanted to be Clarice Starling from Silence of the Lambs and be an FBI agent and get to the minds of people. So I'm like okay I'm gonna you know at least go to community college and do this, why do

that. You know I was I just came from East Chicago, Indiana there's such a place East Chicago, Indiana it's real. And moved from there and I was supporting myself so when they said at the interview, would you dig through the trash and go through microfilm and be trained to be an investigator? I'm like, of course, you know, absolutely, sign me up. And 30 years later, I did that and now I do what I do and it's all interrelated and just amazing what the life takes here. But were you what what was the actual day to day of being a 19 year old private investigator? Well first they trained me I worked for the largest firms on Wilshire and then after that another the after they left I

went follow the guy and worked for one of the largest companies you know in the United States and most of it I mean anything from background to following someone to mostly a lot of financial just you know anything and everything and at that time I remember my first big case it was so exciting because I barely had a car myself. I had a Chevy Citation and I was like, my boss gave me the keys to his car and I'm 19 at this time. It's my first big case. They hand me the keys and tell me to go pick up some guy that looked like out of a movie

Men in Black and you know, didn't even talk. It was just the most interesting drive to Santa Barbara where I was going to do the Michael Jackson case you know go in and try to get in the courthouse like he causes a diversion you're gonna go in and talk to his maid and get this and that and they just like it was very hands-on the training was like here go you know jump this fence serve these papers go do surveillance go dig in this trash you know, jump this fence, serve these papers, go do surveillance, go dig in this trash, you know,

go get information on big cases and little things. And it was fun. It was interesting. I loved being out in the field. What did they want you to- Well, it wasn't always in the field. What did they want you to get from Michael Jackson's maid? I mean, did you interview Michael Jackson's maid made and this guy was going to cause a diversion?

How? It's not really legit stuff, right? You know, and that's about all I can say but it's not like you're going in and you're not like an appointment interview Or you're like, oh, I'm here for the nine o'clock. No, he's just gonna, there's cameras, there's people. He's gonna try to do what he does best. Why I go in and they don't see a 19 year old girl in her JCPenney mint green suit coming. They're not expecting her.

So throw her in there and get some info that you need. You get it how you can. And you gotta be really quick. And I love that. You gotta be with quick and I love that like you gotta be like with your one-liners And you know, you got to just deal with what emerges instantly right you guys like comedians Like yeah It's a me

I love comedians because you guys are like the real real like I have a huge place in my heart for comedians It's not because you guys are mostly funny and and so widely open and vulnerable and honest but you're the first responders anything out there you're the first responders and you're not afraid and that's well there's actual first responders yes yes i'd say we're about to fifth respond yeah we're coming yeah we're second we're really pretty you want to give it a little bit of time because of know, tragedy plus time. If we get there too early, it's still within the...

Yeah, it's in the tragedy zone still. Well, thank you, Susan. Thank you for the call. All right. You're listening to the Andy Richter call-in show. We're live on Conan O'Brien Radio. Got Ron Funches here. We're talking first jobs.

You want to give us a call? We're at 855-266-2604. That's 855 Steve. Is it? You just make that up. No people are going to be dialing 855 Steve. And that's some other talk show sidekicks call in show.

I'm sorry. Oh Ron. All right, let's go next. We've got Todd. Todd from down in New Orleans. Todd, you're on the line with Andy and Ron. Thank you for taking my call. Sure.

Happy to talk to you, Todd. Thanks for talking to us. Yeah, big fan. Particularly love your aggressive development arc. That was really fun. Thank you for taking my call sure happy to thank thanks for talking to us Particularly love your development arc that was really fun. Thank you. Yeah, so I'm in New Orleans, but I grew up in southeast Idaho and my my first job was working at an oil lube place and Like a jiffy lube of alvaline. Yeah, it was like a mom-and-pop one though and Like a Jiffy Lube of Alvaline. Kind of like that. Yeah.

It was like a mom and pop one though. And I think they sold it, I don't know. I haven't been in that town for a long time, but it was Broadway Express Loop. Did they have a popcorn machine? They didn't, no, sadly. Back in my day, that's when you knew you were at a good oil lube place

is when you were going to get some popcorn. Popcorn, yeah, some popcorn in the mom and pop places when you thought you would get it. I'm sorry. I was. Maybe that should have been key to that. Maybe in Idaho it was just a different level of service. That's true. Maybe it should have been french fries. Just get mashed potatoes.

Big steaming cups of mashed potatoes. So anyway, sorry, go ahead. So you work at this lube place. Yes. Now, 16 years old, I was kind of rudderless at the time and stayed up late playing video games and would go into work after sleeping in my contacts. And literally wasn't the best worker at 16 years old. And one day my boss called me into his office and he accused me of smoking weed on the premise at work and I said

I have not no sir and he said well your eyes are red and I said okay yes but I have wear contacts and you know swept in him so that's that's the reason right he goes no no no you you move too slow you're you're you're high at work and I'm like I would I gladly take a drug test for you right now and show you that I am not but he quit putting he didn't fire me but he just quit putting me on the schedule but I kind of got fired for not smoking weed for having red eyes well you I think you dodged a bullet yeah I, in some ways I'm on his side because it's like either you're high

or there's something wrong with you otherwise that he needs to look out for. But there was something that you said, Todd, that struck me for real, which was that you were like, I was 16 and red or less and wasn't the best worker, nor should you be, I don't believe. At 16, that would be very early to know exactly where you're headed and where you're going. You shouldn't be the best. If

you weren't high, I'm kind of disappointed. You should have been high. A ruddered 16-year-old is suspicious. Truly. Let's just say in Southeast Idaho at the time growing up there, it was actually easier to obtain weed than it was alcohol. So, I mean, there were times, yes, but I was not high at work. Well, I do want to say in defense of your boss that like the reason that your eyes were red weren't one form of sort of irresponsibility, but they certainly were from a form of irresponsibility. I mean, you know, yeah, sleeping in your context because you've been up all night playing video

games, you're going to put 20 weight in when you should be putting 30 weight. What game was it? Do you know what game it was? Get down to brass tacks. Probably at this time, it was either Nintendo 64, some Tony Hawk Pro Skater or Golden Eye. Okay we gotta let that go. Alright. We gotta let that go. Those are good ones. Those are classics especially at that time period and then Golden Eye especially you know I went to several church events just to play Golden Eye. But you couldn't

but no odd job you couldn't be odd job. Yo, you couldn't odd. That's cheating. He too small. Hitbox too small. No. Odd job was cheating. Alright, well Todd, you guys are talking a language I don't understand. Cause I was busy doing really cool stuff then, like masturbating while staring at a wall. Look at that. Gross. Look at that disgusting boy.

You were a sidekick on a talk show. All right, Todd, thanks for calling. Thank you. Bye Todd. All right, next up we got Cooper from Portland. Cooper. Hi Cooper. Hey, how's it going?

Hey Ron, hey Eddie. How are you doing? Hey, I? Hey, Andy. How you doing? Hey, I'm alright. I'm uh, I'm getting ready to go camping. So I'm rolling some joints here. Yeah Yeah, so you guys want to hear about my first job sure that's the kind of the whole point of this thing That's why we're all here. Yeah So 16 years old in between junior and senior year of high school, I had a job where I would call people on the phone and ask them if I could come make them a salad. Okay, were you closed? Wait, I was a phone is I'm not closed now, but then I was. Yes, I was in my parents' home.

So, wait, how does this happen? I have so many tips. Yeah, yeah, you really hit us. You buried some kind of lead, or I mean, you got it with a grabber, and now we wanna know more details. All right, you want the truth, all right. So I worked for a salesman. worked for a company called salad master and

they were like a cookware line wasn't sold in stores and I would cold call people from a list and that was literally that was the hook that was Was like hey, you know, we're gonna be in your neighborhood and we'd like to make you a salad. And, you know, there was a lot of non responses, a lot of hangups. But some people I did get, I did get them and the salesman would go to their home and proceed to make them the best salad they've ever had in their lives. their lives. And he would do that by like, trying bacon in a skillet, you know, using knives using the salad spinner, the whole thing being like, working the cookware in there. So are you selling the salad spinner and the knives and like some salad bowl kind of thing?

Everything cookware, pots, pans, like it was literally I think you could get like a 30 piece set. This is the nineties in Louisiana. And I was telling my partner about this. And the thing that like boggled my mind the most was this man that I was working for was in his thirties and had a family and had a house. And so she was making a living doing, making salads in people's houses. And I was just a was just you know the middleman to get him in there Wow it just seems like You know because there's there are sort of other you know like cut co knives like that was that was like a door-to-door

Knife company, and I could see that you know like especially All this you know door-to-door stuff was in before the days of like having a target or something like that. Well they've done it a lot of different ways through the telemarketing locations where they get you to come out to like a Vegas or whatever. Well I mean but go to your house with household things like Tupperware yeah you know like Tupperware used to that was another thing but salad like that just does not seem to be a big. I think you'd have to be pretty lonely. Yeah.

And just be like, maybe I do. Or you're very hungry. Yeah, yeah. And you do want the salad. But I feel like there's a disconnect between the person who's telling me about making me a salad and then a whole different person. Yeah.

Comes and makes the salad. And makes a salad. I wanna talk to the person that I talked to on the phone. How'd them make me the salad? Yeah, they were the ones that really got you romanced about the whole notion of it. Yeah. They wanted their salad.

Yeah. Once he got into the home, then the thing was to convince them, wow, didn't you have a good time doing this? Wouldn't it be great to show this off to your family and friends? And so if that was successful, there was a couple of times where I helped him and we cooked like large meals at like churches or in gyms for like a group of people all to sell this cookware.

Now, did it often happen where you'd go and you would make someone a delicious salad and they'd go, well thanks, bye. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I mean come on, you know, think about like Groupon or like free birthday coupons. Yeah, yeah. People love free food. Best nation in the world is donation. I just, no that is like, I just am in possession of far too much shame. If somebody came to my house and went through it, like frying, baking up and

making a salad for me, I'd be like, okay, look, I'll buy a bowl. Well, I think it's really crazy is how close they were to Uber eats. Yeah. Yeah. Like if they had just made the salad before they got there and delivered it and charged money, they could still be on top today. It's a private chef, right? Yeah.

It's a private chef. You know, it's funny, cause I know in LA, at some point I have, and I can't remember whether it's, it's either like in Glendale or Koreatown, but having, I have driven by can't remember whether it's it's either like in Glendale or Koreatown But having I have driven by a business that was salad master Dozens of times and been like what the fuck is salad master and now I know So they must still exist

The cookware cost thousands of dollars for the whole set. Yeah Expensive back then well, you got to get the get the back end on the crouton and the bacon. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well, did anything even remotely sexy ever happen? You know, when you started out talking about porn.

Yeah. You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I was 16 years old and I was calling people to make the salads and I met quite a few lonely housewives. It became a whole Patrick Dempsey lover boy situation for me. So I'm retired now, I'm married to an 87-year-old woman and we're very happy. Okay, I don't believe any of that. How dare you? Yeah.

I was starting to get really into this fantasy. This is about being authentic. Yeah. Oh. Are you even going camping? Yeah. Yeah. All right, Cooper, thank you.

Thank you for calling. Thank you guys. Enjoy those joints. You're listening to the Andy Richter call-in show. I'm here with Ron Funches. You wanna call us, give us a call. 855-266-2604. That's 855-Job.

It isn't, guys. It's 855-266-2604. All right, next. Greg from Oregon. A lot of Northwestern. Yeah a lot of Northwestern. These are Ron Funches types. Greg. You hear me?

Yeah we hear you. You got Andy and Ron Funches. That's fantastic. My first job I was in North Carolina, Wilmington, North Carolina, right? Yeah. And I worked at a pizza place as a delivery driver I wasn't even 16, but it was my dad's buddy and I needed a job and there was a pretty nice country club right behind the shopping center and There's a lot of housewives to say And there's multiple times where there's post-it notes saying

Go around back party by the pool, and there would be nobody there, just a naked old lady in a hot tub. It was quite nice. Really? Oh, absolutely. I've seen this in pornography a couple times. That happens a lot more.

Well, no, but then you're 15 years old, and you're like, get away, I don't know what I'm doing. So you would, I mean. That happened more than once. Wait, okay, I want to know is the, are you, is this just a story you're telling us is this really happening? I'm very gullible. Well, I can tell you the name of the restaurant but it's still there. Okay. But it happened right behind the country club called Landfall in North

Carolina. Okay. So it was a family friend restaurant. I eventually became 16 and had my license in a Honda Civic and we would deliver pizzas, pasta, you know, stuff like that. But it was attached, the shopping center was attached basically behind the country car. So these ladies get a couple cocktails in them by 3 p.m. you know, 6 p.m. they're ready to eat. Husbands are god knows where. There was an actual judge and his ex-wife, not to say anyone's name, but that was an actual judge, his ex wife, not to say anyone's name, but that was actual, I went through with that one. Wow.

It was nice. Wow. She was like 49. Now, what, I mean, they were really banking on some young stud like you showing up. What if, you know. It was family restaurant. Yeah.

And drivers, me, his son, and his other son. That was it. Oh, so they knew. Oh wow, so they were all in on it. Good choice. Would they ever request a driver? Well, would they say, you know, like send Greg. I think they just wanted someone

to stare at them, to be honest. Some sort of attention, I don't know. But it was pretty epic. Happened multiple times. I worked there for five years, all five years of high school. That was a joke. But it probably happened 20 times.

Yep. Well, I gotta tell you, those kind of story, there's a certain sort of lasciviousness to listening to it. But there's also, I gotta tell you, it strikes me as very sad and lonely too. Oh, absolutely. Cause everybody had a mistress, you know,

and the old rich white guys down in the South, they all had somebody on the side, everybody. Yeah, yeah. That was like a saint. I think most delivery people have jobs, or have, most people that have had delivery jobs have stories about- Sleeping with- Well, or just like weird shit that you witness

when you go into somebody's house. I'm gonna let you go, Brad. Appreciate you guys. All right, thank you. Like I worked one, I appreciate you guys. All right, thank you. Like I worked one, when I lived in Chicago, I worked as a UPS helper one Christmas time and I worked in a neighborhood on the north side called Andersonville, which was like a traditionally like Swedish Norwegian Scandinavian neighborhood. And I just

basically would help the driver because there was so much stuff to run. And there was one day, I'd work in the afternoons, like I'd go over there about like 12, 30 or something. And there was one afternoon, and I didn't get high before work a lot, but this day I did. And I went up, there was a package,

and I rang the bell, it was in an apartment building, an old package and I rang the bell, it was in an apartment building, an old apartment building, rang the bell. They said, come on up. And I walked up the stairs, couldn't find, the numbers were weird, so I probably took forever. And I got led into this house, into this apartment. And it was two old people, like probably in their 70s.

And you could tell that they both were sort of like, had been very good looking people. You know how that is, like with old people and, you know? And the crazy thing was, first of all, there were like six humidifiers in this room. So when you step in, the air's like pudding. And everything, I mean everything, was mint green. The carpet, the walls, the ceiling, their clothes.

I like them so far. Everything was mint green. And they were very sort of like flustered by the fact that they had a package. Like, and like, and it needed a signature. And they're, oh, okay, all right, well I better find a pen and I'd be like no I have a pen and like oh yeah yeah but I but it was just really the combination two of being high I just was like not quite sure that I even was actually experiencing it and then when I get back

to the truck the driver was like what what took you so long? You had gone like 15 minutes. I was like, I'm sorry. And I could tell that he was kind of, I think he figured out, you know. That you were stoned. Yeah, but he didn't, you know, he didn't care really, so. But yeah, that was the old, my friend Tommy Blatcha, the guy that used to throw the photos out onto the,

oh no, that's from another show. I forgot. I talked to somebody else earlier. I know Tommy. Yeah, yeah, but Tommy, I did an interview earlier and I talked about Tommy, but my friend Tommy Blacha was a delivery for like a grocery drug store in Detroit

and he used to deliver to this lady and her regular delivery was cigarettes, diet Pepsi, a stack of frozen pizzas and then like two cases of Johnson's baby powder and she would put the baby powder over every surface of her home. The entire house was covered in baby powder. Like that was the form her mental illness took. I can't, I feel like both these people aren't hurting anyone.

Baby powder, mint chip. I think that they're probably causing lung cancer to the poor kid that's delivering to them. Like he said like the carpet was just like matted gray mess of just like, looked like mold. Okay, well that's gross, but I mean, yeah, you don't live there.

They live there. Yeah, but see, I just feel you're being contrary. Just let me tell you, that crazy person is crazy. Okay. All right. I mean, the mint green people, they're all right. I like them. Andy Richter calling show, Ron Funches, me, talking first jobs, 855-266-2604.

That's 855 Richter. How's it going, Andy? Good. How are you? Doing well. Thanks for asking. Hi, Ron. I forgot you were the co-host, but I also love you. So thank you. I appreciate that.

I did feel left out for a second. So thank you. No, no, I definitely want to include you. You're hilarious. I mean, so is Andy. But like, I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that.

I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able I appreciate that. I did feel left out for a second. So thank you. No, no I definitely want to include you you're hilarious I mean so is Andy but like we talked about, you know, um, my first job Sorry So my first job was working on political campaigns I actually did door-to-door canvassing for environmental policy issues

I actually did door-to-door canvassing for environmental policy issues. That sounds as if you get your people yell at you a lot. Oh my god, yes. I've never seen people like walk around with like guns in their belt band and it was scary. I was like, I am going to keep making eye contact with this person while I politely ask them to give $25 a month for the environment. What was weirdest about the job honestly wasn't even the people, but it was the way that they trained us. So it was less about like, hey you should give money to help us support clean energy policy. It was more like, hey you look like somebody who cares about the environment. Are you with us on this issue? And like talking like you're some kind of weird,

like Harlequin character from a 1960s and 1970s TV show. And so they got, they as in the people who trained us, got like really pissed off at us when we like just tried to do the spiel at the door, like we were normal people. And so there was a lot of like being told, no, you should say thank you so much like this. Say thank you so much. Like almost like they wanted us to seem like

we were imaginary people. Yeah. You're getting acting notes. It was really insane. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It was like, there was a lot of acting notes. I like to think I got a good poker face during that job.

And what was worth about it honestly was part of my job was to recruit in other Canvassers and it's stuck because it's like I like to think I'm a really truthful person But it felt like I was selling like all of these like college kids or like people who are not in great economic situations like on this like kind of bogus like you have to raise X amount of money or else like on this kind of bogus, you have to raise X amount of money or else your shit can kind of model. So I guess it was really hard to convince people to join us as canvassers with a straight face

while I was struggling to even knock on doors in the first place. So whenever I walk around, I'm in a relatively suburban part of the DC area now, and whenever I walk past like town homes, I have like almost a PTSD style flashback to like when I would knock on doors. Like I would just like focus, like I'll walk past the door just on my way to the Metro and I'll just like hone in on the doorknob and be like, yeah, there's an asshole behind that door. It's so hard to avoid.

Yeah. But yeah, I mean, it was my first job after school. And I like to think that beyond just doing the door-to-door stuff, it prepared me well for like my day job now. So it's like, it was more like it's a fun previous job now. So it's like, it was, it was more like it's, it's a fond previous experience now. But when I was going through it like 60, 70 hour weeks in the heat, it was Ohio heat. So it's like,

it wasn't as bad as like being down in the deep South where I grew up. No, but it's summertime in Ohio sucks. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't realize like, I thought the lake effect just meant colder, but it just means humid, like all year round. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's a surprise. Oh yeah, you're from Michigan. I was born in Michigan, but I'm from Illinois,

so it's all sort of, all similar. Oh, okay, I knew you were somewhere in the Midwest. Yeah. Now I wanna ask, were you paid on a commission basis? Did you make more money if you got more donations? So that's the hilarious part. Since I was a full-time staffer, like somebody who worked beyond just the summer,

I didn't get that commission, like that incentive to raise more money. But all of the canvassers that we hired as like just summer staff had that incentive. I think they got like 25 or 30% on top of what they raised, which was like a pretty good- Did you get a bonus when you brought people in? No, I, oh my God.

I feel like that would make me feel more guilty about like being the recruitment point person for the Canvas office. Cause it's like, I gotta get that cheddar. I just gotta bring in one more person. You know, it's like I turned get that cheddar. I just got to bring in one more person You know, it's like I turned into a like an addict to bring in people Yeah, at least get something for you for doing right exactly Instead of just giving you line reads on how to say thank you

Thank you Yeah, yeah and it was like there was also this weird like Leg-bounce thing that we would do at the door where it was like, we're talking to you about the issue and this is what we're trying to accomplish. And it was like, it was almost like you were in like a really, really bad fever dream. Or like a fever dream of a musical for somebody who'd never seen a musical before. Yeah, yeah. Wow.

But yeah, they, I guess the plus I had over getting that bonus for raising more money is they at least gave me health insurance, so. That is good. That is good. All right, well Sam, Sam, thank you so much. All right, but seriously, Sam. Please stop contagious.

Thanks for calling. All right, next up, we have Devin. No location for Devin. He's a mystery man. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, that's all right. I'm Carolina currently, gentlemen. All right, hello Devin.

You got Ron Funches, you got Andy Richter, and we wanna hear about your early job, your early workplace story here. Absolutely, it's not my first job but you guys were talking about that you know some of the crazier things that happen when you're doing deliveries and especially nowadays with the app gig work delivery stuff you still very much see some of that taxi cab confession era chaos. My story comes from while I was living in Houston, Texas. I was about 19.

And there's an app called Favour that's only based in Texas. And unlike the other app delivery services, you can get sent almost anywhere. They'll just give you coordinates. So you'll get sent to like, oh, the Lego store at the mall or Swarovski crystal. And you know, you'll deliver some fancy stuff and you'll get paid pretty decently for it. Surprisingly good for the gig economy. And one day I get sent to these coordinates and you just drive, you know, you show up. And next thing I know, I'm pulling into a sex shop and sure enough, I go in and you know, the app tells you what to get with

a little picture of it and it's a writing crop you know like one of those oh yeah we know yeah we know one yeah there's one in my ass right now absolutely well and speaking of I am finding the product and I look to the side and I see a younger gentleman also in the building looking confusedly at his phone and then up at just a good old fashioned wall of rubber falcons. Yeah. And for some reason, I approach him which is probably weird to do in a sex shop but

I approach him and I go, hey, are you doing favor as well? And he's like, yeah, what the hell? And I'm like, yeah, what the hell? So we, we talked for a little bit and then we get our items. And of course they put it in one of those little blackout bags, like when you're at a liquor store. Yeah. And I go off towards my destination and I'm driving and I find myself at one of these fancy gated mini mansion community kind of things. You know, they give me the code. I put it in, I pull up. And as I'm turning onto the road that the house is on,

I'm realizing there are cars parked all alongside the road, just pulled over, like I almost had a block party and they're all going down the road. And at the end of the road, there is a cul de sac and spewing from the, from lack of better term, the corner of a cul de sac is cars coming from the driveway of this house, all down the road, all leading down most of the way of this like half mile long road. And I'm realizing, Oh, that's my, that's my destination.

So I wiggle my way around and try to find a parking spot. And I dropped the bag off at the door. And as I'm, you're supposed to take a picture, so you take a picture, and as I'm walking away, I hear the door open, and I don't know why, morbid curiosity took over, and I turned around, and it was a guy in nothing but a towel and glasses. He picks up the bag, we make eye contact,

he nods, and he goes back in the door. And that's when I realized, I think I just delivered to an orgy. Yeah, yeah, definitely. You absolutely did. For sure. I mean, I don't think, I don't think it was a children's birthday party and you know, yeah, and they'd hired a clown that also was dressed like he was doing dressage. I mean, when you started mentioning the parking in the cul-de-sac, I was like, get to the orgy. That's a big fuck part. I knew where the orgy is.

Let's get in there. I just don't know why you didn't go inside. Right. That was right. You need any, there are instructions with this model if you need any help with that. I also can deliver something else. I'm a specialist at knowing when a pony's been bad. I got some packages to drop off. Well, no, see, I thought, I really thought that Devin,

the story was going to lead that like the dildo delivery guy was like hot on your heels. Yeah, I thought he was also going to the same place. Yeah, that a couple of people from the party but like they both were users of the app. That actually is the last little bit at the very end of the story. Ah, I blew it! I blew your ending, I'm sorry. Really good tip. No, you guys are fine. I got a really good tip on that. I swear to God it was hush money, so I won't say where it was just the fact that it happened. Right. But as I'm leaving, I do see another vehicle coming my direction and I glance inside the windshield and sure enough, it is that younger gentleman

with the window. Yeah, see. So I'm sure they just had a convoy. Someone's bringing lube, someone's bringing snacks. Right, right. Well, I mean, that's the lesson. We've all done that, where you're like, okay, I also need this. Sure, sure. Well, I mean, that's a lesson. We've all done that, where you're like, okay, I also need this.

You gotta confer with your party guests, put it in one order so that you save on the delivery fee. Yeah, that's why at my orgies, I put up a dry erase board, and we just have a running shopping list so that we don't waste a lot of money. Yeah, nobody really thinks about the logistic person in an orgy, and they can really save you a lot of money. Yeah, nobody really thinks about the logistic person in an orgy and they can really save you a lot of time.

They didn't, you know, the fact that probably was a C grade orgy, the fact that they needed things brought to, you know. That's right. They should have a riding crop already. Already have the dildo. One thing people forget a lot at orgies is toothpicks. Because it's mostly finger food

and you do not want people touching the food. So you gotta have plenty of toothpicks. You gotta hydrate. And you gotta have hydration too. Yeah. Hydration. You probably know that, Devin. Ultimately.

All right, Devin, thank you so much for calling. Hey, thank you guys for having me. Have a wonderful afternoon, y'all. You too. Thank you. Let's talk to Janine from Michigan. Janine, how are you? I'm alright. How are you doing? Doing good.

You got me, you got Ron Fonches. Let us know about your work experiences. Oh, well, my first job, you know, it was probably about the most Midwest job you can imagine about 12 or 13 years old and They would hire legions of us to go out into cornfields and do corn detassling. Oh See it we would do we would do picking up rocks They would do picking up rock, you know, like you just walk around and whatever rocks were turned up They would do rocks and I never it, but I had friends that used to hold the pigs while they were castrated. That was another, that was another fun job

that you could get when you were, you know, 14 and in a rural area. But anyway, this is your story, not mine. Yeah, they would hire us. We would basically spend all day, good eight hours a day walking up and down these mile one cornfields pulling the tops off of every other corn plant because i guess that's how you know they cross breed and you get the actual corn out of them

and um... like halfway through the day uh... we'd get rewarded with a donut and a glass of water and uh... you wouldn't get paid? no we got paid oh yeah yeah okay okay but yeah that was in the menace yeah this is a bonus the bonus yeah yeah yeah it's actually pretty good most people don't even get that right right they'd probably be like look we know you're stealing corn that's all you get yeah i don't know they had had one day that we were out there rain or shine and there was one day

the mud was so thick it literally sucked the bottoms off the soles of my shoes and I decided that was about it for that job. Oh yeah, that, at a certain point I realized too I did not want to make a living with my hands. I worked at a cannery for a little bit and you would just put broccoli down these shoots and the blades were everywhere and it seemed like if you worked there too long, you were definitely gonna lose a digit.

Right, right. And that was the good job because if you missed a shift, they then would put you outside where your job was to remove the dead rodents and snakes before it made them inside. And then that's when I realized, I'm not great at quality control,

that I will let them go by. Right, right. That rat, that rat's okay. Yeah, that rat is acceptable. Yeah, that's a small enough rat. All right, well. They do a lot of certain number of insects and. Of course, yeah, you got it.

You know, a certain amount of vermin feces. Yeah, protein, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, Janine, thank you so much for calling. Bye, we love you. Yeah, no problem, thank you. All right, bye-bye. All right, I think this is gonna be our last caller.

Christina, are you there? Hi. Hi, Christina, how are you doing? Good. Ron and I are here, ready to hear your story. All right, so when I was 15 and a half, my first job I got was at Burger King. My very first day at my job, I walk in and this older woman who was putting the patties on the grill was looking

at me some kind of way and throughout the whole shift she just kept looking at me. She come up to me and, what's your name? And I go, Christina. She walk away and, where are you from? I told her down the road. And she would ask me weird questions. And then next thing you know, she starts screaming at me at the Burger King saying, you're sleeping with my husband. I know you're sleeping with my husband.

And now, mind you, I was 15 and a half. And I'm looking at this lady like, what? And she just kept creating this ruckus and said, um, well, my daughter can point you out. I know it's you. My daughter can point you out. And they had to escort her out of the building. And then she ended up losing her job. I had no idea what was going on. So the days following that incident, all the employees kept coming up to me like the other girls and they're like, so were you? I'm like, was I what? I mean, come on, that is, that's a question that's on everyone's mind right now. on everyone's mind right now. Well, it gets better. So I know I did not, I did not sleep with her husband.

She just, and these, and the other employees really believe that I must have slept with this lady's husband. So I would say all time comes around, the local festivals going on and I'm there with my friends and lo and behold, there's that lady. So she walks up and she's like, I'm so sorry. Or no, I should go back. I'm sorry. She had to come get her last paycheck. When she came to get her last paycheck, she had her daughter with her. And I'm standing at the counter and I was like, Oh, hi.

And I'm waiting for her daughter. I'm looking at her. I don't see your daughter pointing me out So at the local festival in the fall She come up to me was like, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me and this and that I'm like lady I just whatever, you know, it's it's done. It's over with I don't I don't know who you are I don't know who your husband is. I start walking away. She starts screaming. It must be true. It must be true You're walking away. I don't know who your husband is. I start walking away. She starts screaming. It must be true. It must be true You're walking away. I don't What is with this lady? so

My grandmother died at when I was 17. So a whole year later My mom and my aunt are sitting there at the funeral Talking about my cousin and how his wife is crazy and my mom knows the whole story of the older woman at the Burger King who created this whole scene is she was telling my aunt wouldn't that be funny if that's that's his wife and sure enough it was wow my cousin's wife was. Wow. My cousin's wife. On her face when she saw me at my grandmother's funeral and saw me,

it was like, that's the girl. And went to my cousin. It was like, how do you know her? Why is she here? And it's like, that's my cousin. What are you talking about? Well, thank you, Christina. We got to go. Cause we're almost out of time here. Oh, well, thank you, Christina. We gotta go, because we're almost out of time here. That's the perfect end of the story, though. Yeah, that was a good one. Well, if she had slept with him, that would have been even worse. See, I was going to say, you might as well now hunt him down.

Do the deed. It's OK. You can currently hear Ron Funches as the voice of Blufy in Inside Out 2 and the voice of Rock in the Nickelodeon show Rock Paper Scissors. Andy can be seen in LÜT on Apple TV Plus with Maya Rudolph. There's also the Getting Better with Ron Funches podcast which I was a guest on and it's hilarious and great and very helpful.

As are you, Ron Funches. I love you. Thank you so much for being here. Anytime, Andy. Thank you for having me. All right. Let love you, thank you so much for being here. Anytime, Andy, thank you for having me. All right, let's share that music. Thank you for tuning in. We'll be back next week with more of the

Andy Richter Calling Show. Bye.