The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Scott Aukerman: Weird Injuries (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: October 2, 2026

Comedy Bang! Bang! host Scott Aukerman joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show to talk your WEIRD INJURY STORIES! Plus, Scott and Andy share their own dumbest childhood injuries. Want to call in for a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan Oprah. Conan O'Bron. Come to the Andy Richter Collin show. I'm Andy Richter, but it's a total coincidence that that's the name. I didn't have anything to do with it. And I'm Colin. Wait, I can't hear you.

Why aren't I on? And I'm Colin. There we go. My joke is finally, finally got on. Yeah. Turn my mic up next time. Otherwise, you're all fired. I like to keep my guests on their toes.

Where did my voice? You say what I want or you won't say nothing. Yeah, so we're back. The call-in show, we're talking weird injury stories today. I really have tried to think of ones that I could tell, and there is one, but I'm not going to tell it. Really? I don't need that in my life. But you people out there, come on, spill your guts.

855-26-26-2-6-0-4. Oh, that would be a weird energy. Injury. Injury, yeah, yeah. Energy and injury sounds too similar, right? We kept your mic off because we knew you were having trouble speaking. With only that one word. And you promised me I wouldn't have to say it on this show.

And then I hear the subject matter. I'm like, I'm in trouble today. Again, a crazy coincidence. That's Scott Ackerman who's talking to me. And he is, I mean, he's the czar of comedy bang bang. The TSA. Yeah, the sultan of comedy. Bang Bang. You can visit Comedy Bangbangworld.com to find live dates and 30 plus shows from the Comedy Bang Bang Universe.

To be honest, when you said I was the czar of, I thought you were going to say something like podcasting or recorded entertainment. No, just of my own show. No, just your own show. Yeah, yeah. Wow, thank you so much. Your own concern. He's the guy who lives in his body over there. All right. If you want to be the czar of podcasts. like that, Andy. Okay. Because you're a carpet bagger here. You're on my turf.

I'm a dilettante. That's right. Well, I told, I've told you before that when people used to suggest to me to do podcasting, you were one of the reasons that I was like, I can't do that. I don't want to turn out like him? No, no, no. Because it's like. Oh, because you didn't want to feel like you're a copy.

Yeah. Like I, no, or that I was like some sort of dilatant prancing in and going like, oh, this thing you've been doing for years. I'm going to do it too. And then at what point did that sort of fade away for you? When I did, yeah, maybe, when someone opened a cash register? Maybe when Springsteen and Obama had a podcast. Oh, yeah.

They got a lot of people into podcasting. No, I just, no, honestly, what happened? Well? I got, uh, that was my spring. I got, uh, I, I separated from my ex-wife. And I was like, I gotta do something. I got to say yes to things. You have to occupy your time.

Yes. And that was, that was. You can't just be scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush. Part of it, yeah. No, no, that wasn't it. It was just sitting by the window, you know, one single tier, falling down. Is she coming back now? Then falling, then drying.

Yeah, no, I just, and I also, too, I think I mentioned this to you before. I was like, all right, I'm going to do a podcast. It seems like it's, you know, it sounds interesting. I have an idea for one. I'll do this. And so I announced it to people and they set up the deal. And then like a week after I set the deal, it was like, Conan's doing a podcast. I was like, God damn it.

So now you look like you're writing his coattails in addition to mine. Yes. And, you know, he's going to suck up all the oxygen and just leave me with nitrogen, which luckily I can survive on. But, yeah. So, but I mean, I've been, I, you know, now I, I'm enjoying it a lot. It's like a very, yeah, I go and I have like a nice conversation with people that I enjoy. Because we don't get to see each other all that much. I have to say the last time I saw you was doing a podcast. And then the time before that was doing a podcast. Probably, yeah. Yeah. So we may see each other socially at some point. At some point. At some. Or do you get out much besides podcasting? No, really. I've a four year old. Yeah. So it's a little tougher. And plus I've been on the road this year. So it's. So it's. just anytime I am home, I want to be, you know, with them. Yeah.

Yeah. Because the old ball and chain's like, where are you going? It's a good impression of my daughter. Yeah. Oh. But, daddy, where are you going? She's an old time he prospect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I neglected to mention. Get back here and mash my peas. Hold on to your hats and glasses. Oh, boy. We got a gusher. No, yeah, I'm the same. way I don't really do. Yeah.

It's, it, we, I, you know, we do get out, but not much. It's a drag. Do you have to get a babysitter and stuff? You know, I felt that way and then suddenly COVID hit. And I remember very vividly in February of 2020, yeah. I got an email saying, Sting is going to be at the Pantages, acting in his musical that he wrote. Right. And I was like, not going to go see Sting, you know, like a mile from my house.

And then COVID hits. And you're like, what, I wouldn't pay to see Sting. See Sting. And I think Shaggy is a part of that production, too. Well, he and Shaggy have a great friendship that I hope to emulate with you. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. They put out an album together and the Christmas song together. Whoever would have thought the two of them?

Well, I wouldn't have. Yeah. You know. They should switch names one day, too. And I've heard them interviewed together. I'm real about that he doesn't talk like this all the time. Mr. Lava, lover. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I tell you, we met where we met. I can't even do it very well. Is this insensitive? No. I'm sorry, I joined it. No. I forget what they call that. It's like the toasting voice.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. I feel like if someone, if someone has, I forget what they call it. If someone, no matter what race they are, has a unique voice that is part of their whole thing, they should be, we should be able to imitate them, right? Yeah, well, absolutely. You know?

Yeah, no, I don't think. It's like we don't, we don't care if anyone of any other race imitates dot not. Right. Well, Andy. We in the Donnott's community find that insensitive. Do you have any weird injury stories? I have quite a few weirdly. People who listen to my shows know all these, but for the benefit of your listeners.

They don't follow you over here. I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the weirdest one that I did was when I was 10 years old. mirrored sunglasses suddenly came out. I don't know if they existed before that, but like in 1980, suddenly it was a new thing in my elementary school.

And it was mirrored sunglasses, totally mirrored where you couldn't see someone's eyes. And I was fascinated with you. And I got a pair of them. And I had a bike and I was like riding down my street wearing these sunglasses. And I suddenly was like, oh my God, I bet I could be closing my eyes and riding my bike

and no one would ever know that my eyes were close. I was like, oh my God, I got to do this. But I wanted to be safe about it, you know? So I said, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start at one end of my street. And with my eyes open, I'm going to count how many seconds it takes me to get to the other end of the street. Yeah. So I did that and it was about like 115 seconds to get all the way to the end of my street. I was like, okay, now. You're talking the length of the block, not across the, yes, yes, exactly. The length of the block. Because I was, that's slow, unless you lived on a very, wide street. I also had polio. Oh, oh, okay. But so I got that out in your way. So I wanted to be

safe. So I was like, you know what, I'm not going to go all the way to 115 seconds. I'm going to stop at 100 in case I'm in case there's a variable of me going faster or anything like that. And then I'm going to be just riding down the street and anyone you sees me, it's going to be such a funny joke. They're going to think my eyes are wide open looking where I'm going, but I'm actually going to be closing my eyes. So I got all the way down to the end of the street. I closed my eyes. I started riding my bike and I started counting. I'm like, one, two, three, four. And then hours later, I woke up in someone else's house and I had mirrored sunglasses embedded into my face. I'd crashed into a car. Because I was not looking at all right. I was going. And just my new, my brand new sunglasses were all in my face. And they had to, I then had to go to a doctor and get all of the glass taken out of my face. face and I had like a like Phantom of the Opera face for quite a few months.

Wow. And everyone, of course, the classic retort from all the kids was like, oh, it looks better now. Yeah. Which is, you know, I mean, it's pretty funny. Yeah. It's not bad. Yeah. It's not bad.

The person who revived you, it was a neighbor? It was my next door neighbor who had never spoken to me. Wow. I had never spoken anyone in our family. How is my chance to bring him into my house? And yeah, just woke up in their house And I was kind of like, oh, I always wondered what this place looked like They had a pool, never invited also

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, and just they found me crumpled off on the side of the road. Yeah. We're slammed into a parked car. Wow. Yeah. And they, but they didn't unstick the glasses from your face. Well, no, the glasses had totally broken.

And so there were just shards of glass. Oh, shards. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that was good that was good that was good that was good that was good that was good that was good. Yeah, isn't that considerate? You must have gotten the real high end one. Yeah.

So that was definitely one of the stupider ones, just kid logic of like. Yeah. And by the way, who am I doing this for? Oh, absolutely. Strangers? What are you going to drive over again? You know, when you just saw me riding? I had my eyes closed the whole time.

They'd be like, all right. Yeah, yeah. Or they'd be like, hey, idiot. Yeah, don't do it. Don't do that. That's really stupid. Kids with too much time. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I, when I was a little kid, my brother and I, we had an old, an old swing set that had rusted and fallen apart and was in a pile. And we had a really big backyard. We lived out in the country. And so there are these just basically swing set legs sitting, you know, sitting in this pile. it had snowed terribly. They plowed our driveway. So at the end of our drive, there was like a six-foot pile of snow. It had started to melt.

And we decided that we would do some sort of, forgive me, it's what we called it, Cowboys and Indians kind of thing. And my brother and I, and we took one of the poles and shoved it into the mound of snow and then used a rope to tie each other into it. And then I believe we were throwing tree bark at each other, like we were throwing knives at each other. This is an important addition to taking turns. Yeah, yeah, yeah, to the canon of American. This historic conflict between the indigenous people.

Right. But when it was my turn, I noticed that the pole was kind of loose. So I thought, oh, I'm going to be like the Hulk and pull the pole out. Good. And then like walked, you know, still arms tied to my side. but like walk out like ah you can't you can't get rid with your tree bark um but of not realizing that the pole was like two feet longer than where my legs were like it went into the ground about two feet so when i pulled it out i had nowhere to go but face down on the ice on an incline

so it wasn't just that i was with the heavy pole strapped to you and gravity strapped to my back hands tied to my side, just bam, right on my forehead. And I, you know, my brother was like, don't tell mom, don't tell mom, don't tell mom. And of course I went right in to tell my mother. Well, first of all, because it was, it was, I was like, that was bad. Oh, and he was saying that as he's untying me. Don't tell mom. Don't tell mom.

And I went in and my mother was sitting on the toilet, as she was wont to do. and I had my hand over my head and I said, I fell and hit my head. And when I took my hand away, she went, oh my God. Because it looked like a halved plum on my head. It was huge. Oh, my Lord. And as you had said, the shadow of it was there for like months, like eight months. Like you could still see sort of like a pale purple sort of circle.

But and it was like stuck out. It was unbelievable. And did you think it would ever go away at one point where you like, no, I may have this for the rest of my life? I thought that I may have some sort of. I mean, the swelling went down, but then it did, it took so long for all of the bruise part of it to go away. I love that don't tell mom. I had another injury when my brother ran over my foot with the car. Yeah, yeah.

I was, I hadn't closed the door yet and my foot was right next to the back wheel. And he thought, I guess, the door was closed and just like ran, not even over the foot, ran onto my foot. And I started screaming in pain. And then he rolled a little bit forward and then back off of it. And he and his friend were telling me, don't tell mom, don't tell mom. Just walk it off. Don't tell mom. And I tried to walk it off, which is the worst advice.

Yeah, of course. And then I was just like, I have to tell mom. Yeah. And of course, yeah. My foot was broken. Yeah. What if I just like kept that to myself? I made this pledge to my brother.

Scott sure is limping a lot. But he says nothing's wrong. So, you know, what's there to do? Yeah, and we're not nosy at all in getting up in his business ever. Yeah, exactly. All right, well, let's go to the phones. 855-266-2604 is the number if you want to talk to us. Weird injuries is the topic, but you can, you know, whatever.

We're here. We're here for you. They don't have to be weird. No. Oh, the injuries. Oh, yeah, they could just be gruesome. Yeah. But, I mean, I don't want to hear like I was cutting tomatoes and I cut my finger. I mean, you know. I honestly would settle for that.

Really? Yeah, I think it's pretty interesting. Wow. You should be on NPR because that's their kind of stuff. I should be. Yeah, yeah. You're right. You could be Garrison Keeler. I mean, without all the good programming. Just the weird stuff. Yeah.

All right. Corey from Mississippi. Dippy, how are you? Hey, go and doing well. How are you guys today? Good, good. You got me and Scott. Tell us about your injury. Yeah, well, my injury involves, I like to play Masters of the Universe.

You know, He-Man with my friends when we were growing up. Yeah. And we had a neighbor whose dad was a carpenter. So he always had pieces of wood, scraps from the job around, you know, all the good stuff that kids like to build ramps with. We decided to use it as swords, of course. Yeah, yeah. So we'd run around and chase each other, hit each other.

One day I grabbed a large, like, stick of staples bow, and I was running with the staples chasing my friend. And when I, I must have bumped up against the car or something, and those staples went right through my shorts and right through my testicle. Oh. cut a giant hole and had a ball hanging out. Oh, no, stop. Is that weird?

That's pretty weird. Yeah. If I were to look at that, I'd say, oh, that's weird. That's uncanny. That's odd stuff. Well, wait, did you, were you carrying them in front of you and you bumped into the car, or did you fall down? You talk about your testicles. No, I think I was, I mean, I was like seven or eight.

So I think I was running with the, the state. people's in front of me. Yeah, yeah. Like I had him in my hand. And I just remember thinking, well, that feels terrible. Oh. And I went inside and I said, Mom, I think I did something bad. And when she recovered from passing out is when the ambulance got there.

Did she really pass out? Oh, yeah. Wow. It was really, it was really bad. Like it was maybe, I don't remember seeing it. But, yeah. Right. Now, don't tell me, when she passed out, she hit something and one of her ovaries fell out. And then your testicle juice got mixed up in the ovaries and now you have a son together?

Oh, weird. Oh, my gosh. That's what my brother looks so much like me. Is everything all right down there now? Were they able to fix everything? Yeah. Yeah, they sewed me up, patched me up just like in Toy Story, too. I don't remember that scene. Yeah, yeah. Remember? Where Woody's balls are hanging up?

Andy cuts his nuts. Yeah, I was, that made it look all fine. I have two children now. Oh, yeah. Plumbing's still connected. Is there a scar? Yeah, there is. It's kind of weird looking.

I mean, testicles are weird looking. Yeah, yeah, you're talking, that's weird. It's going to be anywhere. Yeah, a weird cherry on a weird Sunday right there. But you know, like the scar you use like at Halloween, like the fake scar with the stitching. Yeah. It really looks like that right on my nuts. Wow.

So you're pulling him out on Halloween is what you're saying and showing him to kids you trick or treat? I'm not saying I'm not doing that. This is Franken sack. Now, when you start. I need to get Leo Corpussey to add that to the song. Oh, that's a comedy bang, bang, bang, inside Joe. Oh, so you did follow him over from there. You have a new listener, thanks to me.

Did, when you started dating and did, like, would you mention it ahead of time or would, like, your lover say, you know, like, ew, what's that? Franken sack? Yeah, I think I kind of would give a little bit of notice. Yeah, yeah. By the way, there's horrible scarring on my genitals. Anyway, my name's Corey. Nice to meet you. Did any of your partners say like, oh, that's not that big of a deal?

Like, you didn't even have to mention it. Or is it such a, like, such a noticeable thing that they, you had to say something? I mean, I think it was worth mentioning and noting beforehand. So that, yeah, because it could, it could be concerning. Yeah. I mean, I have to talk about, you know, hey, this is, the size might be unusual for you. You know, it's. Sure.

You might gasp in your mouth might start to water as well. Yes. See, my thing is, you may have seen curve, but what about two right angles? Really? It's like a Nazi insignia. It's really, yeah. It's half a swastika. I don't like it, though.

No. I do not like it. All right. Well, Corey, I'm glad that I'm glad that things are working. Yeah. I'm glad your mom didn't hit her head when she passed out and leave you half an orphan. No. Imagine that.

We're all good. If she had died in that and then you would be like these stupid testicles of mine killed my mother. That's like out of a John Irving novel or something. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You don't read? I don't read. I just write.

Start with the Bible. Yeah. Oh, okay. It's a great book. Yeah, yeah. It's a good value because it has a ton of books inside of it. I'll probably finish right when I'm about to finish my life. All right, Corey, thanks so much.

Thank you guys. Love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Belinda is calling from South Korea. Do you think it's Belinda Carlisle? Is this Belinda Carlyle?

Sadly, no. Oh, that's okay. We have no fact checkers. You could have just said yes. Yes. Ha-ha. Yay. This is amazing.

Belinda Carlisleis calling us from South Korea. Did you want to kill the Bengals? Like, did you guys ever have like a fight? Yeah, rivalry with them? Goos and Bengals. Yeah. Of course. Every single lead singer wants to kill the rest of the band.

Yeah. Well, Belinda, we can talk about. about your go-go's history some other time. Tell us about... Oh, wait a minute. I wasn't in the go-go. All right. Then fine. Tell us about your full-body diving accident. That's what my name would say. Yes. I was living in New Zealand at the time, and I was with my boyfriend at the beach, and it was a nice, beautiful, sunny day, so lots and lots of people were there. And I said to my boyfriend, watch this, I'm going to dive. And I intended to do a nice, shallow dive into the water. And I thought I had when I finally jumped in. But I guess my face hit like a sandbar that I didn't see.

And it smashed into the sandbar. And then my whole body was propelled forward from the dive. and while my body was propelled forward, every single part of my body was torn to shreds by little like broken seashells that were in the sandbar. Oh. But I didn't know this. Like all I thought was I'd smashed my face and maybe scratched my thighs and my stomach a little bit. So I stood up and was holding my nose because I thought maybe I broke my nose or something.

And I said, I hurt my face. And when I looked at my boyfriend, his mouth was like, like totally a gap. And I was like, what? What? And then he's like, are you okay? And while he was saying that, my eyes started like filling with blood.

And I was like, what is going on? And I looked down and my hands were covered in blood. And my whole front of my body was just dripping. blood like carry. Wow. I mean, only one part of Carrie was dripping blood. Yes, I was like the very, no, she was covered in blood. She looked like she was covered in blood like Carrie is at the end of the movie.

At the day, yeah, the prom, but at the beginning, I assumed it's what she's talking about in the showers. No. No, she's talking about being covered head to do. No, she's talking about at the beginning when she gets her period in the showers. No, I'm sorry. Belinda, I'm sorry. Just go on. I was like prom carry.

Prom carry. Yes. Oh, okay. Thank you for clarifying because honestly, anyone could have made a mistake. I never heard the end of it. Well, did you get to the hospital? I mean. Or have you ever fixed any of this stuff?

Never. It turns out all of the cuts were really, really superficial. They were just deep enough to make me bleed. Oh, wow. But the eyes filling with blood, was that the worst thing? The eyes, my eyes were filling with blood because I had cuts all over my face, including my forehead, so the blood was just dripping down into my eyes. What was the worst part of, part of, was it your nose? What was, did any of it?

Nothing was serious. I didn't have to go to the hospital. I did have, I still do have a scar on my nose because that was the deepest cut. Yeah. Do you have to tell your potential lovers about it before you... No, Scott, that's... Like the last guy. I know, I know, but it's on her face.

Before I go down on you. Yeah, it's on my face. Yeah. They can see it before they do any of that. Okay. All right. It leads the evening. But I mean, do you go to the...

How do you like clean up, though? You're at the beach. Do you just bleed until you scab up? Yeah. So this is the worst part of the injury because it was at the beach and I was dripping blood and I'm still standing in the water. And this was a very crowded beach and everyone was looking at me because I'm here standing in the water covered in blood. And I was so embarrassed. I just like jumped out of the water and my boyfriend's like, are you okay?

Are you okay? And I just grabbed my beach towel. So now I'm getting sand in these wounds too. And while I was running off the beach to try to like clean off, I heard one Kiwi, he said, great, now the sharks are going to come because of her. You ruined everyone's day. I will. We on the lookout, kids. The sharks are going to come.

That is. Oh, yeah. I just, I just cleaned myself off with the towel. You have like salt water and sand in your cuts. but at least you're okay. Yes. Yeah. Wow.

I was okay. So your boyfriend does nothing except say, are you okay? You're covered in blood. He doesn't call 911 or whatever they have down there. It's upside down, right? So 119. Yeah, that's probably it. No, 119 is what we have here in Korea.

It was 555, I believe, in New Zealand. Really? Wow. Interesting. I've seen that number in my favorite movies. Wow. That's good to know, you know, like if you're traveling, you just try any combination of three, and you'll stumble on. In England, I think it's 999.

It is 999, yeah, yeah. But that's just, it's a World War II reference. Is it really? Yeah, no, no, no, 99. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. I shouldn't ever have. I'm so sorry.

I'm really, really sorry. Wait, so you're a bit of a globetrotter. Yeah. Are you a Harlem Globetrotter by any chance? I'm not. Unfortunately, I'm really bad at basketball. Why is that so unfortunate? Because you could be a millionaire playing for the WNBA? Because if I would, yeah, if I was good at basketball, I could be the female member of the Harlem Globetrotters. Yeah. What time is it in South Korea right now?

It is currently 5.30 a.m. What are you doing up? Did you set an alarm for us? I sure did. I set an alarm for like 4.30 in the morning. and I had to warn my teenage son, you're going to hear me talking on the phone with Scott Ackerman and Andy Richter. I'm headlining. He's now pacing around the apartment. Oh. Well, thank you so much for getting up for us.

I appreciate it. Have you ever been in the water since? No, I haven't. I'm too scared of sharks now. Yes. You just rub dry soap all over your body. Well, now you know you're a bleeder, too. It's too risky.

Yeah. Yeah. Got to keep that inside my body. That's right. All right. Belinda, thank you so much for the call. Thank you so much, guys. All right.

Bye-bye. Love you too. Love you. Scott, we got a wild card. Whoa. Going off topic. Paul. Where are you?

Hello? Hi. Hello. I'm here. Hi. What constitutes a wild card? It's a just off topic. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's because with that air horn, it was free so we can use it as much as we want. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So that's why we say wild card all the time. Oh, wow. Does it work if you say the word wild?

No. Okay. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Or if you're talking about a ref, you say that was a wild call. Yeah. So I bet the person who has the button gets very excited. Right, right.

Absolutely. Yeah. But do they get fined if they use it when someone doesn't say the WC? I don't know. Yeah. I'm just supposed to look pretty. Okay. Paul.

You do look very pretty. Thank you. What do you got for us? Yeah. So, uh, at first, hey, Scott, just saw you in L.A. Great show. Thank you very much for coming. Thank you, Paul.

A lot of four hours was a bit of an endurance, but, you know, it was great. All right. Didn't expect to take your complaints here on the air, but, uh, Well, you don't have comment cards anymore. Yeah, we had a suggestion box out there in the lot. I know, I know. Sorry. Where I put in one saying, go fuck yourself. Oh, my God.

That's hospitality. All right. Well, mine is, I guess it could have potentially been a fatal injury, ended up surviving. Wait a minute, wait a minute. This isn't a wild card? This is so on. topic that it's it's it's it's about the very topic we're talking about well it's it's a travel

story so i guess that makes it a wild card all right all right so all right you go ahead lay it out for us sure so i was on a business trip to hydrabad in india which was booked for me by the office admin so i didn't really look at it too close flying out of l.A. on emirates to Dubai which you It was a great flight, great airline. Get to Dubai where we changed to this small Indian airline that was basically full of workers from Dubai to India. Yeah, going home. So they import all their workers from. Yeah, yeah.

So we fly into Mumbai where we changed to another small airline and end up with a four-hour delay inside of the closed airport. It was at 10 o'clock at night. And then at about two in the morning, they take us out, load us onto the plane, and three guys pull up in a car. They get out. One of them signals the pilot. He fires up the plane. The guy looks at the engine, shrugs to one of the other three guys, who kind of shrugs back at him, and gives the pilot a thumbs up. They get in the car, drive away.

So, you know, full of confidence there. the taxi out go to takeoff. It's probably one of the longest, slowest takeoffs I've ever experienced. We get to the very end of the runway, start to take off, and then just right over the rooftops for, I swear, five, ten minutes before they start to pull up. And, yeah, I was pretty convinced that this small little Indian Airlines was about to, yeah, crash me into the roof. one of those houses. Wow. Which, yeah, would have been an injury.

So this is not about an injury. This is about... About a near-death flight experience. Near-death experience out of in India, yep. How near do you think you were? Do you think you were, like, what were the chances? The, yeah, the guy, you know, kind of given that thumbs up after a shrug, certainly did not, yeah. What do you think he was trying to communicate to the pilot?

I think he was just saying, man, it's good enough, I guess. It's working. Yeah, okay. But, I mean, was the engine straining in some way? Why did they fly so low? That was... Save gas? I certainly was wondering that a lot myself.

Yeah. You know, I was on the side of the plane where the engine was that the guy I was looking at, so I never took my eye off that engine the whole time. But, you know, something that held us up in the airport. for four hours. So I had to assume it was some kind of problem with you. Yeah, worth it risking your life. For this business trip that you didn't know anything about and hadn't even read the email for it.

Well, you made it. No, yeah, I didn't bother with that. You made it. And you were able to go to our Los Angeles Comedy Bang Bang Show, which was apparently too long for your taste. Well, I had my son-in-law with me who wasn't super familiar with the show and didn't necessarily expect a four-hour show. I think you need to break up

with your wife then. It's your daughter's. Or his daughter's husband. Anyone. I think you need to break up with all familial relationships. You need to end right now. All familial ties and come to our next six-hour extravaganza.

Their marathon show. All right, Paul, thanks for the call. Glad you could make it. Thank you. And I think four hours is too long, too. Fuck you. Okay. Bye.

Oh, 855-266-2604 is the number. Just to be clear, we didn't do four hours. We did two and a half. The opener also did an hour. And there was a half hour in between. That's normal show stuff. Okay. It's just if I show up at a show and I'm out at midnight.

It was 11. So they showed at 7 and they're out of... 7 to 11. You don't have to show up at 7 either. I'd be crabby. You'd be crabby? I'd be crabby. You're always crabby.

Seven to 11. Everyone knows you to go, oh, man, I saw Springsteen. He played for four and a half hours. And I would always feel like, that's fucking hostile. That's hostile. That's holding people hostage. People love it. I know.

Great. You know, the boss and everything. I understand that. I understand that. You know, he had a podcast with Obama. Give him some respect. Yeah. Then they kept those with tight six hours.

Ted from Philly. How are you? you. Hey, guys. I'm good. You're not the bear, Ted. I just want to. Scott.

You did what? No, I'm not. I was at the Philly show and I, I would have loved to have an extra hour of, hey, Randy. That would have been amazing. Well, tell it to Paul from wherever the fuck he's from. San Marcos. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I will. All right. What's good to know that you can take a note, Scott. Yeah. Yeah. And I can't believe I'm the first person saying this. But, Scott, I'm a pissed pig. Thank you very much.

That's not anything to do with the show that I do or anything like that. That's just him admitting that. Yeah, okay. That's good. Congrats, Ted. Yeah. All right. Well, talk to you later.

Oh, wait, what I don't know. You got a story here, buddy, right? Yes. Yeah, just a quick one. Andy, I don't know if you remember when I was on with Ron Funches, probably not. But I had a couple of head injuries. The one was burning my tongue on some hot pizza oil, another one was a bungee cord in my eye. Yes.

The other one was a trundle bed cracking my head. I remember. This latest one, just a couple of weeks ago, I was unloading the groceries in my car. And the, you know, sometimes how they shift, the bag shift in your trunk. So I was opening the trunk and the bag started to shift. And I was like, oh, I don't want my bananas to get bruised. So I reached under to like catch the grocery bag as it was falling out of the car. I'm not realizing how close my trunk was to the closed garage door right in front of me.

And or right next to me. And so the opening trunk was grazing my left ear as my, as the right side of my head was getting pushed against the closed garage door. And I had to pull my head out very, very quickly because it would have gotten crushed in there. So I did not get a life-threatening injury. But I thought of you, Andy, as soon as I did that. You just narrowly avoided one. I remember you told me that I, yeah, I remember you told me I needed to wear a helmet and, you know, I guess you're right. Yeah. Yeah. To be honest with you, Ted, I tell everybody that all the time. He's been saying that for decades.

I mean, yeah, sure, you look silly. It's your cash race. But boy, yeah, yeah. Wear a helmet. All right. Well, I mean, did it, did you have like a shredded ear or anything or, you know, was your head? How were those bananas? Was your head squeezed Texavory style?

Yeah. You know, like long and squashed? It already looks pretty squeezed. You know, I'm kind of a freak. Okay. You have like a cucumber. Well, you're a piss pig. Kind of.

Yeah. Exactly. You don't find a lot of properly formed piss pigs. They're all a little malformed. We are. Yes, we are. Yeah. Yeah.

Afterwards, I did try to see, like, if there was like a, like some kind of sensor to, stop the, you know, the trunk door from opening all the way. Is there? And there was, but I don't know how much there was, yeah. It was a forester. So hopefully, hopefully that's a safe car. But, yeah, I don't know how much force had to be exerted in order for it to stop.

To stop, yeah. Ted, we need you safe out there. You got to take care of yourself. Yeah, yeah. Wear a helmet. I know, I know. You need a B-World subscription. Yeah.

Yeah. By the way, I have to do our new sponsor, Comedy Bang Bang Helmets. Do you like comedy? Do you like the sound of explosions? Do you have a mushy head that you keep banging into things? Is that why you're so into comedy? You need a CBB helmet. Oh, Ted, thank you for the call.

Oh, wait, go ahead, Scott. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Ted. We love you. We love you. Love you, too, guys. Bye. Richard.

Hi, Richard. You're calling from Arkansas. You got me and Scott. What's up? Well, I thought I'd tell you about an embarrassing injury I got. That's perfect. English teacher at public schools in Japan. Oh, okay.

And so one of the things that have us do in a summer break there is they had this like mountaintop retreat where they would have everyone go for a weekend with a bunch of kids. Think like any Bruce Lee movie, but if he's a teacher instead of a martial artist. Okay. I honestly thought that was the one bad part of Bruce Lee movies, the fact that he was a martial artist instead of a teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is right up my alley.

Yeah, yeah. I know, just so unrealistic. They should have been doing crafts instead of all that fighting. So they get us up there, like 200 kids, about 20 of us, and myself and this Puerto Rican guy named David are teaching a bunch of 14-year-old girls how to play dash ball. We're in the gym, and there's this one girl who is throwing the ball so hard that when she's hitting the wall, the walls are shaking.

They're not, they're like, you know, just like cordated metal. Yeah. And I'm thinking, wow, she's pretty strong. Immediately hits me pinpoint accurate right in the balls. Oh. And I mean, like, you know, and if it is for a comedic effect, I would have doubled over, made a face and fallen over. Skaw music would have started playing.

Bob Sagga would have come out. Yeah. At least. But if they said it looked like. like someone who just cut the strings of a puppet. Myself, like an old TV. It was like someone just turned off an old TV. Lights out.

Wow. You passed out. Passed out standing up. Wow. Did you keep your balance? Or did you crumple to the floor? And hit your head. Oh, no.

I hit the floor. Wow. Let the bodies hit the floor, as they say. They pulled me to the wall. And when I came to, pretty shortly afterwards, from the window to the wall. A group of kids standing around me. This girl's got like anime, like tears flowing down.

Just like, I'm so sorry. And, you know, when you're, when you're an adult, you get hit like that, your body punches you. Yeah. So like the hair on my arms hurt. Everything hurt. And I'm just going, it's okay. Don't worry about it. It was 45 minutes before I could stand up.

And then for the other two hours, I was like doing old man shuffle. Wow. But I also know. I didn't shuffle? I came to, basically. I noticed there was a, David was also like slumped up against the wall. And I finally was,

what happened to you? And he just looked at her and he goes, man, that shit was so funny. I could have breath. Oh, man. Oh. I thought maybe he had given you his testicles.

You must have these. Yeah, yeah. You must have these. Yours are ruined. I shall never procreate. You take these. Were they visibly damaged? Like when you inspected them later?

Bruised. And did you have to mention this to all of the women that you were sleeping with or men that you were sleeping with out there, you know? I have. But that's just because one of the first things that comes up when people find out, you know, oh, yeah, I lived in Japan for five years is really tell me some stories. That's just one of them. Really? Did you ever get hit with a touch ball?

Right, right. I hear the girls there have pretty strong arms. Anything ever ruin your nuts? I was worried about it for a little while there, but I went to a doctor not too long after that. He was like, you're fine. Yeah, yeah. All right, yeah.

Was he just saying you're fine? You're fine? Because he was looking at your balls? As in Foxy. I never considered that. Maybe the doctor was hitting on me. All right. Just something to think about.

Well, Richard, thank you for the call. I'm glad that you're intact. Mostly, yeah, it'll do. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. 855-266-2-604. I'm going to say that again.

855-2-66-2-604. I had to take a break. I was a little tired right there in the middle of the phone number. Yeah. That's a number of call. It's too many six. We got about 15 minutes. It's easy to get lost in those.

No, no, no, it's good. I mean, I don't want it to change now. That's in my head. I can, you know. Is there a full-on-666 in that number? Are you the anti-Christ? No, no. There's not.

There's just, yeah, no, there's just a two separating the sixes. And you're on record. You're not the Antichrist. I am not the Antichrist. I do not, yeah, I do not, I bow down at the throne of Satan. None of that stuff. You don't do any of that. None of that stuff. When you approach the throne of Satan, you're fully erect or fully walking up right. Absolutely. Make an eye contact. I mean, I embrace chaos, but I do not worship Satan. Okay. All right. I just want to make sure. I, you know, because I consider as equals.

Yeah, you're peers. You can't worship somebody that you're, you know, on the same level with. People who are like worship Jesus, it's like, he's a guy. He's just a guy. He's just a guy. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want that. No, exactly.

Kristen, from Alberta. Hello. How are you? How are you guys? Good. I'm good. Scott and I are here. Are you guys having the gayest of times?

Oh, gay as can be. like springtime. I thought so. Mine is more of a near-death experience, but I also want to say congratulations on your book. I'm really excited to order it. Thank you so. Not you.

You already had a book out. I know. You got your horn mouth over there. Oh, no. Why do I deserve to be talked to like that? Oh, thank you, Kristen. I appreciate it. Yeah, I have a book coming out, people.

It's about the making of the movie elf, and it'll be out in a very much. September 6th. Yeah, I'm really excited for you. It's called Elf Unwrapped. It's one of my favorite ones. Yeah, yeah. No, it's, uh, people are that, I found that people really enjoyed that film. So, yeah. It was really really good. It's, it's, it's, it's, it is, it's a good movie. It's really something to be part of a Christmas class. I watched it quite a bit. I did a parody of it. Uh-huh. Just as for fun. Right. And it was just for like a giveaway that I was doing. And it was, it was fun. Like, I sprayed some perfume in my mouth. I bought my dad some lingerie. Nice.

So many things. But yeah, I just want to congratulate you on that. I'm really excited to pre-order it. Thank you. Mine is more of a near-death experience that I was going to tell you all about. Sure, that's fun. I'm glad you got the book plug in. It's not as crazy as me like getting a testicle stuck in a stapler, you know.

Yeah, yeah. That kind of stuff. It's not like that. I had made a decadent dinner, and me and my husband sat down to watch bridesmaids because he would never watch bridesmaids with me. Why? I don't know what his problem is. Yeah, it's a funny.

a lot, I think is what the problem was. I know, I kept telling him that. And so it was a part where Kristen Wigg rear ends the cop cart, not even the funniest part. I think that's what made me the most mad. Because there's so many other funny scenes. That one's funny, but not as funny as... And so I laughed and I inhaled in my last breath

was chicken. Oh. And so he heard the chicken hit the back of my throat. And he was like, are you choking? And I was like, and so he gave me the hymook maneuver, not once, not twice, not three times a lady. It was six fucking times. Six times until it popped out.

Oh yeah, he was in there. I sucked it right in my air hole. And he had to give me that hymock-nover bed six times. I scared the cats. There was chicken everywhere. My glasses flew off my face. And I just sat on the toilet. And like one I was crying, the other one kept it together.

I don't know what that was all about. But, oh, and I called my mom later. And I was like, Mom, I choked on chicken. She was like, what? Choking the chicken. And I was like, Mom, no. Like, I'm a fucking done. What's your problem is.

I know. This isn't the time for jokes like that? It's funny. Yes, yes. I know. What's your problem, lady? Yeah. You almost lost your tiny lady.

Did you, I remember when I, back in school, when they taught us the Heinleck maneuver, they said that if you ever have to use it, you should still go to the hospital and get checked out. Right. Did you go to the hospital and get checked out? I probably should have, but no, I didn't. I just sat on the toilet. My one eye was crying, and I was just like, man, you almost died watching bridesma. choking on chicken.

They would have told that at your funeral, you fucking idiot. So now I'm not allowed to watch funny stuff and eat food at the same time. And also, this is the cautionary tale. The movie might have gotten the reputation of being cursed. Yeah. And then people wouldn't watch it anymore. Yeah. Like beavis and butthead.

Kids would set themselves on fire. Kristen Wigg owes you a debt of gratitude. Do you think that your husband's, do you think your husband wasn't doing it hard enough the first five times? You know how they say like you have to do it hard? No, I think it was really in there. It's just in there. I don't know. At one point, could he have like,

could you be blown and been like, okay, well, it's not coming up this way. Let me go, maybe you should have just sucked it right out of my mouth. Yeah. God, that's frightening. I'm terrified of choking to death. I actually, a couple of months ago at home, having dinner and was talking while I was eating and something got in my throat.

And it was, And I never had this happen, but it was in there. And I had to. Did you do the self-heimlich? No, where you do it over a chair? My wife gave me the hymlich. And it just took one shot and then it was over. And it did run through my head.

Like, maybe I should go to the hospital. I'm, yeah, finish dinner. But, yeah, the feeling of, holy fuck. This is it. Like, if I don't get this out of here, I'm going to be dead. Yeah. It is pretty scary. It was whole, and I put them right down my throat.

Yeah, well, you were raised by gulls. Sure. It's not your fault. We all know how you work, you slut, beg whore. Yeah. You know, I'm going to say, Kristen. Why are you so accurate? I'm just kidding.

Sorry. I'm very mouthy. People know too much about you now, Scott. There's your bio. It's in your Wikipedia page. Kristen, thank you for the call. I'm glad you're okay. Thank you for having me.

I will die another day like a Bond movie. Please do. I'm glad your husband saw bridesmates, too. All right. Thank you. Bye. Bye. I think we got time for one more.

You know, when you think about all the people who almost died. Yeah. All the people who did die are dead and they can't call in. So it's like. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Unless they're ghosts.

Yeah. I mean, if you're a ghost out there and you can use a phone, give us a ring because I would love to hear from you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And hear about your, not near death, but bullseye death. experience. Simon from Portland. You're going to close up this show for us. What's up, Simon? Hi. So this is about the time I shot myself in the forehead with the nail gun. Nice. I love it. I love it. That's what you get for doing manual labor.

Pretty much. So yeah, during when I was in college, I spent the summer's working construction. And so this would have been like the summer of 2000. I was, believe it or not, I was not using the nail gun correctly. I was using it improperly. And I was, I don't know, I think the know guns work different. That's the first mistake. I think no guns work differently now, but the way it used to be was that you would hold down the trigger and then just kind of slam the nail gun into what you were trying to nail. Yeah. And so I was holding it backwards with my thumb on the trigger. And I was like my, I was sort of leaning out of window, kind of nailing the plywood to the top of the window. And as it got right in front of my face, I dropped down just a little bit.

So the nail missed the wood and flew and struck me straight in the forehead, like right in the, like the third eye. And did it stick? And it stuck. Like so it went through the bone. It went through your skull? Did not go into the bone. Oh, okay. No.

Into the flesh. Did not punch through the bone. Okay. Yes. And I took me a second to figure out what was going on because I was like, what? What happened? Because you can't see it. Something dangling.

Are you permanently cross-eyed from trying to see the snail? That explains it, actually. Yeah. But yeah, so I reached up and I plucked it out and like, holy shit. You plucked it out. You know, they tell you that if you're stabbed, that you're not to leave it in there because the suction from taking it out will cause more damage. Right. So anytime you see a movie and someone just like kind of pulls a knife out of their arms, it's like, that's like, that's, like,

That's even worse for you. Right. Although I do sometimes think that that's just because people at the ER want to see it. Yeah. They don't want to see your wound. They want to see a nail. Oh, you took it out. Yeah. I wanted to see that railroad spike in your neck.

So you took it out, but it wasn't in this, if it had been in the bone. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. How deep? Like, because there's not that much flesh on the forehead. It couldn't have been very deep. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, it just kind of kind of hit and dangled.

And so that I was, I was very embarrassed. I didn't want anybody else on the job side to know I'd done something that stupid. So I just pulled my hat down real low and went out to my car and put a bandaid on it and then pulled my hat down over the bandaid and just went back to work. Wow. And no one ever knew. No one ever knew. No one at the, no one at that, no one at that, no one at that. Yeah.

Do you think your boss from that job might be listening right now? I don't know. Travis, if you are, I hope you're having a great day. That was a long time ago. That would be an awful, like, to have to, you know, oh, I had the nail gun backwards. Because it wasn't like it was the first time using it. Yeah. Do you think you'd be fired if?

No, no, no. No, just mob. No, I don't think he would, but, I mean, he would have given me, I would have gotten a lot of shit about it. But if you were listening right now, maybe he's like, I wondered why, I've wondered for decades why that guy was wearing a bandaid one day and trying to hide it. We all saw it. We all saw it. Yeah. And that hat that said FBI female body inspector, he was covering it with?

All right, Simon, thank you for the call. Thank you guys so much. And Scott, I want to say that the Portland show was the perfect length. Oh, thank you so much. Well, it was only an hour and a half. Yeah, but what about the girth? What about the girth? Yeah, that's more important.

Oh, it was sick. Ah, nice, nice. All right, thank you so much. Thank you. Take care. Love you. Love you. All right.

What do we... Well, I've cringed through this entire episode. I know, I know. You're actually holding yourself. I hate body injury stuff. Well, why didn't you tell me I would have picked a different topic? You picked it before I ever. I know, but I could change it.

Who gives a shit? No, the show must go on, Andy. Oh, right, all right. No, I mean, it's fun to listen to, but I can only imagine... Yeah, I mean, I... Are you... Can you look at, like, bodily stuff? Like, can you look at, like, bleeding or if, like,

Like somebody's got an injury. But like anytime I watch, this is the words, anytime I watch a movie and someone falls down, I go, I like have phantom pain of like all the times I fell down. Yeah, yeah. Just feeling that, you know. Yeah. So, but like knives and stuff like I'm fine about.

Yeah, yeah. Well, we got to pick a favorite here. Oh, is that part of the show, picking a favorite? Yeah. They win nothing other than our admiration. Paul criticized the show length, so he's out. Yeah, he's out. Sorry, Paul.

Yeah. Glad you didn't crash in the plane, but, you know. But that'll have to be. You spoke truth to power. I got to say the loose testicle, making your mom pass out. That's pretty sweet. Because that's not only your injury, but your mom also passed out. That's why I said.

She could have been injured, you know. Yeah, that's a good one. I also, too, it's bad parenting. If your kid comes in, comes with a testicle hanging out, you got to keep it together. You got to be prepared for that. If you have to show yourself flashcards of testicles hanging out of ball sacks all day, just to enure yourself to that. In parenting class, that's one of the first things they do. That and eyeballs dangling by a string.

That happened to Raoul Julia. Oh, really? His eyeball came out like in a bar and he was still hanging out and he just picked it up and popped it right back into his skull. A friend of my, Greg Cohen, was staying with another friend, and they had an old pug. And it was sitting on the couch with him, and it was sneezing. He was sneezed a couple times, and he looked over, and an eyeball was hanging out. It had sneezed an eyeball out. And he went like, oh, and the owner came back and went, oh, yeah, and just popped it back in.

Oh, yeah, that happens. Just got to push it back in there. Wow. All right, well, Corey, congratulations. That loose testicle won you nothing. Yeah. Bragging rights. Yeah, bragging rights.

Although you sound like a total dork if you brag about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, I, you know, staples cut my sack open. And I told people about it. My mom. I told a celebrity about it. Yeah. All right, well, check out comedy bang bang world.com.

And, you know, for your shows and your shows and your shows. Yep. All my shows. And your merch. And come see me on tour. I'll be in. Long Island on October 6, Boston and October 7th. And October 8th, I'll be in Troy, New York, upstate.

Oh, Troy. Very nice. All right. That's it for us. We're back next week with Paul Rust. I know him. I don't have a topic yet. I'll think of one.

Or someone else will tell me one. I don't know. All right. Love you. I love you. Goodbye. Conan up.