The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Scott Thompson

Episode Date: September 10, 2019

Actor and comedian Scott Thompson sits down with Andy Richter to talk about having heart to hearts with his dad about concrete, his biggest childhood literary influence, and learning to look forward to retirement. Plus, Scott discusses the writing goal he aspires to most as well as his new podcast PTSDiva.This episode is sponsored by VitaCup (www.vitacup.com code: THREEQUESTIONS) and Away (www.awaytravel.com/threequestions code: THREEQUESTIONS).

Well, listener, you've done it again. You've stumbled into greatness. Welcome to the three questions with Andy Richter. I, as it turns out, am Andy Richter. I, as it turns out, am Andy Richter, and I am very happy to have a very dear and frankly queer friend on today. You can say very queer and very dear. Very dear and very queer. I didn't say old.

That's all I really care about, because that's the only thing really that- To say an old friend, you never know what that means. No, in this town, I realize that's what's keeping me from the gates yeah that's what's ruining everything but it's Scott Thompson it is and we've known

each other for 25 years at least 25 years yeah at least yeah because the first time I went on Conan would have been

94-ish 94-ish yeah it was the first time was when we did the sketch about what's her McC, I call it, with a broke the ankle.

Yeah, yeah, the Tanya Hardy. Tanya Hardy. You did a few. You used to come in. I used to come in all the time. You used to come in all the time, and we would do these sort of like instant made for TV movies. Yes.

And they were, it was whatever bullshit scandal was on, and we, like, I don't even remember all of them. There were a few of them. But that was the one where I crushed someone between my legs. You played Todd Galooly? Whatever? Wasn't that one? Yeah, I played the idiot sidekick.

Yeah, yeah. I don't even. Jeff Galooly was the boyfriend. That's right. And then I played the. The other one. I think Conan was Galooly. The very low IQ sidekick.

And I think you crushed Conan between your- I might have crushed Conan. We wrestled. We might have done that in the dressing room before the show. We might have just for fun. You might have just said, hey, this is what I do to help them warm up. When I see you in a short skirt or a skort. A skort, yes.

But no, and I remember too, I always look back on that because i remember you at one time after having done three or four of them in which you were played a female in every one you said yes you did hey could i could i come back and play a male character and then i never did it again and i don't think no and i and i personally i was like yeah why don't we let scott play a man but you know no they still won't let me. You know, honestly, comedy, white male comedy isn't real bright. It's like straight white male comedy. It can be clever.

Yeah, yeah, straight white male comedy. I mean, everyone's trying to put me on that barge with you guys, but I refuse to go. I refuse to go. Oh, really? People like try and lump you in with. Yeah, like now the gay white men are no longer. It's no longer cool. It's not good enough.

Oh, I see. So. But you're not part of the establishment. You're sort of. I certainly am not. Well, but no, but I mean, but you as in as in white gay comedians, male comedians, nobody considers you Jeff Foxworthy, do they? Oh, I don't know what that means.

He probably gets a lot more work than me. So I think they consider me lower. But you know what I mean? But in terms of being problematic or being, you know, the source of oppression in the comedy industry. I always thought that when I got to this stage of the game, that I eventually, that being openly gay would not kill my career, which it did. I wouldn't say kill it, but it definitely kept my fire at an ember level. Yeah.

But I do really believe right now that gay white men are being sort of reconfigured by the woke as also just part of the white male problem. And I actually refuse that and i'm like for the youngsters sure the ones that are born into into their parents loving them and not kicking them out in the street the world not hating them and their friends all dying that's okay i mean i still don't i still don't think they deserve that but for me like an old white guy and i'm gonna say old because i'll say it first okay no. No way. I won't go.

Yeah, yeah. But I have to try to, I'm trying to figure, I came back just about three and a half years ago to Hollywood. And I really thought that this would be it for me. Like, finally, that door is open for me. But I really do think that me being a middle-aged white male is keeping that door closed. So I'm saying that maybe not maybe not all people, all those, everybody thinks that, but I think there's definitely something going on psychologically and

spiritually where gay white men are now trying, they're trying to wrap us up as part of the problem too. And these are part of the kind of civil war that's going on within the LGBT community. Yeah. Yeah. And, but I, as I said, I just, I just refuse to. But I also, it's fascinating because now I'm so genetically constructed to identify with

the underdog. Yeah. That now I look at like straight white guys and like, I really feel for them. Oh, really? And I wish I didn't. Like, I really wish that that hatred that I honed to a fine edge, I could maintain. Yeah. But I can't help but have empathy because I know exactly what it's like to be marginalized.

And you're not marginalized, but the young ones are. Yeah. And I feel bad for them. And I don't think it's fair. And I call this era the punishment era. And I don't want to be part of it because I didn't do this. I didn't wait for this moment so that we could punish people

like people of color punishing white people and women punishing men and gay people punishing the straights. I didn't see that coming and I actually don't want to be part of it. But I really wish that I didn't, I really wish I didn't have such empathy for you guys. It'd make it easier to kick you now that you're down I want I sort of want to get back to this because that you know we this podcast is a bit chronological where we start at your

beginnings and go to your now how far do you how deep do you want to go like I mean as deep as you want to go I don't know you really know. You know how that goes with me. I know. You know. I know. Remember I used to promise to Jeff I wouldn't say something? I wouldn't say stuff, and then you would say it. And then I would say afterwards, like, well, what were you thinking?

You promised I would go to Jeff. Yeah, but I promised you last time I didn't do it. Like, the very definition of insanity is thinking that things will change if you're doing the right thing over the same thing over and over again. So you're crazy. But whose insanity is it? Is it your insanity or ours? No, it's your insanity. We're responsible for what comes out of your mouth. Yes. What?

Well, of course, all I was ever doing on your show was trying to give you great television. I understand. No, listen, I agree. And it's a game yeah but you're you know you you you you have that you're gorgeous you've aged well yeah yeah you're beautiful you are uh i i you know people i think it's time to dust off the word adonis and uh thank you put a gold plaque and put it on you, hang it around your neck by a chain.

Put me up with my guard chair. No, what I was going to say is, you know, you could practically in those days, though, have had like a big loose cannon tattoo. I understand that. And that was sort of what was fun about you. And then I think it became not fun. Absolutely. And yeah, and do not. Blame you?

No, no, no, no. Do not ever be surprised by, and whoever you want to call it, by you do too much and they go, okay, done. And I mean they as a general they. I think that's what happened. Yeah, as this business that shot Judy Garland up full of speed because they wanted her to stay skinny, you know, this business chews you up and spits you out. Right. It's one of the reasons, you know, I live in an apartment building now that's full of little kid actors and their families.

And I have to. Saddest thing I've ever heard. And they'll say things like, do any of you have kids? And I'll say, and I'll start, twice I've started this conversation with like, well, my daughter wanted to be an actor for a while. And then with a conversation is going, but I told her no fucking way am I going to serve up my children to the steely knives of this angry woman hating business. This beast. angry woman hating business.

This absolutely, yeah, this beast. I told her flat out when she asked, because she had wanted to, because she had friends that were acting and making money. And she asked me and I said, I said, when I finally had to be frank with her, I said, you're going to be surrounded by people who tell you that they love you when they don't. That's right.

They want to make money off you. Yes. They will treat you like they love you, but they don't. They want to make money off you. They will judge your voice. They will judge your body. They will judge your face. They will judge the way you move. They will judge the way you behave off camera. You will be in complete judgment by these adults that want to make money off you. And that's for you, your mother and I. As your father, I will not allow that to happen. When you're 16-ish, 17-ish,

you can go do whatever you want with your face and voice and body. But for right now, I want to protect you. But you don't really mean that. Yeah, no, I kind of do. Anything they want with their face and body? Pretty much.

At 16? Absolutely. Anything? What if she said, I want to do a porn? Listen, those previous 16, 17 years inform you of your ability to let them go do that. Like my son, who is now 18.

Yes. He's free to do whatever he wants because I have, what I mean, aside from being 18, I have nothing but trust in his judgments. I'm nervous. He just started college. We just dropped him off and I'm a little nervous. I'm just nervous because of the undoing that can happen to you psychically and emotionally when you go away from home. But in terms of, like, making choices, I don't worry about him.

And my daughter, for the most part, I think she makes good choices. So I do feel like if she gets to be 16 and 17 years old and she wants to get a tattoo on her neck, I will say to her, you will be limiting yourself. Yes. But if you really want to get a tattoo on your neck, go ahead, get a tattoo on her neck, I will say to her, you will be limiting yourself. Yes. But if you really want to get a tattoo on your neck, go ahead, get a tattoo on your neck. Or if she wants to, I don't, she wants to, you know, like for me, for me, the most shocking thing would be

for my children to be like, I want an MBA. That to me would be like a profound disappointment. MBA meaning like not- Masters of Business Administration. Oh, I thought you meant like an NDA, like a non-disclosure agreement. No, no, no. That's what I thought that you did to your kids.

You got to sign this NDA before I send you off to the real world. No, that's just people that want to fuck Leo DiCaprio. I have to sign those. Is that what's keeping him on top? It's what I've heard. Oh, it's got to be true. But no, like if my kids said to me, I want to work on a hedge fund, then I would feel like, what the fuck did I do wrong?

And that's not raising money for hedges. No. No, it's raising money for like equivocating, hedging, you know. Well, maybe, maybe not. It's actually when a bush masturbates to the point of orgasm and then stops and waits until it gets a bud and then it shoots? Just a bud and then just stops. And it never goes any further. That's such a great

image. Two bushes together in a boy's body. What are you doing? I'm edging. Well, alright. Let's do that because you know the three questions are here. No, I refuse to look at them. See, and you wonder why your show business poisoned. I know I'm poisoned, but I wanted to be spontaneous with you.

Well, the three questions are, and this was just, and it's just a gimmick to set the framework of the conversation. Yeah. Because quite frankly, what I've always loved about my job is the conversations that I get to have in a commercial break. Oh, I totally agree. You know what I mean? Because then I can say, is that guy a dick?

What are your hours like? Hey, I saw that movie. That must have been rough. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or one of the best things to always do is after the clip, go to commercial and go like, so how is this thing? And then have somebody go like, oh, my God, it's so fucking bad. To me, that's just delightful. Of course it delightful that people still maintain a realness to them. We had some good conversations in between the breaks.

Oh, absolutely. But commercial breaks and beyond. But the three questions here are, where do you come from? Where are you going? And what have you learned? So it's just basically an excuse to have. So where were you born i know you you know you're from ontario yeah i brought my passport just to remind you you did yeah oh it's very

worn you can barely see the royal seal of canada but you do have your your visitor okay your first name is john yes it is i didn't I didn't know that. I know. Revelations. Wait, and isn't John Thompson a euphemism for a dick? That's called a Johnson. No, I think you're John Thompson. I think that- Maybe in this country. No, I- John Thompson was a Canadian prime minister, so they would never have made that a euphemism

for penis. Because I thought it was a- By the way, your papers look in order. I just tossed them back to him Thank you sir No, I thought I thought that that was like a Monty Python thing I did not know that

But I, you know I think I would have heard it We'll Google it later Okay, okay You know, you're Roger You know, you're Roger, you're Roundley Oh, yeah You're Johnson, yeah

But I thought that was You're John Thompson But whatever Anyway, John Yeah Why no John? Were you Scott? Is your middle name Scott?

Yes. Oh, okay. I was never, ever called Scott. See, I'm Andy and I'm Paul Andrew Richter. Oh, so you're the same. I am the same. Yeah, yeah. Don't you find that's problematic?

And don't you, wouldn't you tell parents don't do that? Because it's very difficult for paperwork and stuff. Yeah. Oh, it's, I'll tell you, the only time that it was convenient, well, it is convenient sometimes in that it does lend a layer of anonymity to staying in a hotel or something like that. Okay. Which I don't ever have to worry about very much. But like when I used to do, I used to do years and years ago college dates. And I'd go to a small college town and I'd do, you know, like a three-hour show.

And then I'd stay in the only hotel in town. And if I stayed under my own name at two o'clock in the morning, my room phone would ring. Right. Hey, come on over. You know. So did you ever do it? So as Paul, no, I, no, that's not me. It's not me?

Yeah. And I would not, no, to go drink with children was not my idea of a, of's not me. It's not me? Yeah, and I would not. No, to go drink with children is not my idea of a good time. And I would hear stories, too, from kids of previous adults that had been there to do things that had actually gone to these parties. No, no, that's not me. But it's such a problem when you're flying. I've actually not gone on. They've not let me on flights because I bought the flight of Scott Thompson.'ve actually not gone on, they've not let me on flights

because I bought the flight of Scott Thompson. I present this, and then they won't let me on. That never happened until like the last 20 years. I did have issues. People used to buy me plane tickets as Andy Richter, and then I'd show up as Paul Andrew. Almost always it was okay, but sometimes, because they'd see Andrew.

Yeah, yeah, but it can be a problem. It depends on what mood they're in, really. But now everything's so, your first middle, you know, you have to use your full name now, so it's actually sort of like. Do you? Yeah, yeah, it's more of a uniform thing. Oh, then that's what I've been doing wrong. Yeah, yeah, you should definitely book everything as your full name.

John Scott Thompson? Yeah. It's just so pretentious. Eh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I can drop the Esquire. Yeah, but I mean, you have enough of an accent that you sound kind of English. You know, Canadian is like-

Is that really what it sounds like to you guys? No, no, no, no. But I do think that people do think of Canadian as being like English light. Yes. So I think that people think of Canadians as having a hair more sophistication than Americans. Yes, but don't you think they also consider... But I also think Canadians do have a hair more sophistication than the average American.

Well, I'd say a wig more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also think that we are also like American light. We're both. Absolutely. You know? Absolutely. And I think the French consider the Quebecois also as sort of French,

but not quite. Right, right, right, exactly. And I'm actually very comfortable with identifying with both of the countries. Both of the countries, sure. Yeah, actually three. I guess I would be, I'm not tri-national, but I identify as a Canadian, number one. But I'm also, I'm kind of an, I'm not an American,

but I got American value. Sure. But England, too, I very much identify as England. I don't find it foreign at all. Have you lived a lot in England? No, but I've been value. Sure. But England, too. I very much identify as England. I don't find it foreign at all. Have you lived a lot in England? No, but I've been a million times. My best friend lives there. Is your family English?

You mean like ethnically? Yeah, yeah. Yes. My mother's Irish, and my father's Cornish. But are they Canadian? Oh, they're Canadians. Oh, they're Canadian born. Yeah, we're fifth generation.

Oh, wow. They call us old school, old stock, which is very, that's actually a really. Old stock makes a bad soup, though. It's a vitriol. That's a very, that'll get, you won't be able to say that on a Canadian television show. Oh, really? Old stock's a kind of, not a racist term. I don't think it is.

It's just because it defines, it just says who you are. But it basically refers to the first wave of immigrants who were mostly from that part of the world. Yeah. Northern Europe. And is it a pejorative now, saying old stock? Or now it's a boastful thing? It used to be boastful. But now as things are changing and no one wants to be identified as white, it is becoming a bit of –

I think it is becoming a little bit negative. Yeah. But yes, I was born in Canada was born in canada um northern canada northern ontario in ontario yeah a place called north bay and northern ontario is can be bleak it's beautiful it's stunning yeah you mean like culturally yes yes you are and well i know because i had relatives that lived in sudbury for a while well that's where i'm from oh really not sudbury but north bay which is very close to sudbury that's super bleak that's super bleak because they've raped the earth for so long yeah you can't really if it's all strip mining and

yeah have you ever been to anywhere but sudbury in the north oh not not in the north no and i no i have not so you did go to sudbury as a kid yeah a long time ago yeah oh interesting no the problem with Sudbury is... No, you know what? I just saw pictures. I just saw pictures. But I've been to Canada. When I was a kid, my grandmother had a bunch...

We had a bunch of... My grandmother was born in China to Swedish missionaries. Oh. And when the Boxer Rebellion happened, all the children spread, and a lot of them ended up in Canada, and a lot of them ended up like in Nebraska, like all rural places around North America. That's why you seem kind of Canadian.

Yeah, I mean, I have, well, it's also, I think Midwesterners are fairly Canadian. Oh, that's got to be. You know what I mean? Yes. It's like if you're from Wisconsin, you might as well be from Ontario. I remember my parents went to see Fargo many years ago.

They walked out. Because they found it offensive? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my mom was like, oh, jeez, I didn't go to a movie to watch them insult Canadians. And I went, no, they're not Canadians. Oh, don't tell me those are Americans. They're Canadians.

Her father and I were absolutely, we were furious. We walked out. Walked out of Fargo. I love them for that. That's fantastic. But I remember when I was 16, I went, speaking of walking out of movies, good movies, when I was 16, my best friend and I went and saw Annie Hall. We walked out. About 10 minutes into it, we were like, this is terrible.

Let's get out of here. We walked out of Annie Hall. Because it was just boring to you? I still think it's not that great. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's completely. I honestly. It's so overrated.

I just, we had nothing to relate to. We were both closeted gay kids. And we're like, this is dumb. We left the movie, went and saw Corvette Summer. Much better movie. Very underrated gem. And I'd love to go in some sort of snotty kind of film form and go, oh, yeah, Corvette Summer, that's the real Annie Hall.

Oh, sure, sure. Yeah. No, I'm no fan of Woody Allen, and I don't even know him so much. Oh, I am a fan of something, but not that one. Well, there's some, I just think, I have grown just so tired of the Woody Allen experience. And having lived in Manhattan and go to see Woody Allen movies, and then just have like, just the slightest nothing of something that is even like a feather of a joke. And people just roaring with laughter.

I know. And it's like my wife and I used to kid that it was like, and I'm gesturing, that like you put your arm above your head and point down at your own head while you laugh at a Woody Allen movie. So everyone knows. I get it. I get it. Woody and I are on the same page. I think he was overrated and now he's underrated. Yeah, that's possible. And then eventually I get it. I get it. Woody and I are on the same page. I think he was overrated

and now he's underrated. Yeah, that's possible. I think people will come to grips with the way he really is. Although his recent movies that I have seen. Oh, terrible. I just am like,

oh, terrible. Why would anyone want to care about this? Oh, my God. The Paris movie? What a garbage movie. A garbage fire. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. That was the last one.

I just was like, who is this for besides Woody Allen? You know, the last 10, 15 years of his work, I think the best one would have been that tennis movie. Yeah. The murder tennis movie. I didn't see it. I got, you know. It was really good. It wasn't even a comedy.

Thank God it was about a murder. At least it was about something other than just people talking about their fucking angst. See, but my favorite Woody Allen movie is Interiors. Oh, yeah. I think it's a masterpiece Allen movie is Interiors. Oh, yeah. I think it's a masterpiece. That is really good. Yeah, because it's like about people really fucking each other over. Well, it's about wasps.

Yeah, yeah. And I always think that movies about a certain ethnic group or cultural group, I think they're quite often best done by an outsider. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I also, too too Woody Allen peoples his movies with Woody Allen

oh totally makes the women talk like Woody Allen makes the men talk like Woody Allen and I just that offends my midwestern

don't toot your own horn whereas in Corvette Summer Annie Potts was Annie Potts and that was when you thought Mark Hamill

you thought Mark Hamill might have a real career and I know people Mark Hamill he thought Mark Hamill might have a real career yeah yeah and I know people Mark Hamill he's got a real career I go no not really

no he actually you know what he's done he's a cartoon guy yeah huge no that's that's the part and believe me that's a nice life

oh I love that on that cartoon life I mean because it's there's about it's very frustrating to try and get into the cartoon voice world because there's about 10 people that they just go to for everything. And then when you work with them, you go, oh yeah. I get it.

Because these fucking people can do anything. Yeah. It's among the most jaw dropping, like witnessing a performance that I've ever been in. Yeah, I totally agree. Watching them throw, like, here's a character. It's a, you know, it's a French toddler and they fucking nail it. Like that.

And then it's like, okay, here's a, you know, here's an old parrot, you know, that has Tourette's. And then it's just, they do it, you know? So it's, you know, but anyway. Anyway. So yeah. You you know. But anyway. Anyway. So, yeah. You were part of a large family. Large family.

And is it, are you in town? Are you rural? Are you, well, it's a small town back then. Yeah. I mean, everything is rural in the north. Yeah. It was, I was, would you call Sudbury urban? Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's a town, you know. It's a town. It's a town. It was a big mining town. It's more than one stoplight. It was definitely bigger than North Bay. Sudbury was famous because it destroyed its landscape with the mining. Yeah. And that's also where the American astronauts trained for the moon.

Yes. And they shot movies there. Yes. Oh, many. Lunar landscape movies. Yeah, because they literally destroyed the environment. But yeah, I i grew up in a large family in northern ontario uh four brothers so five boys all boys your mother oh yes i know was it hard for her oh difficult did she work or was she no god she had to take care of five fucking boys yeah no no no and actually you know

like the first i think i i think she had a hell of a time because she's from the South, and so is my dad. Like, you know, but he got his first job was working in the airports. So he was an engineer, and they were building an airport in North Bay, so he oversaw that, the runways. Right. Concrete and cement. I remember the best conversation I ever had with my father, and actually the longest, was about the difference between concrete and cement. I remember the best conversation I ever had with my father and actually the longest was about the difference between concrete and cement. Wow. And that was during the time when I said to myself, the only way to get into this old man is to start asking him things that interest him. And one day on a

long car ride, I said, Dad, what's, as if I had any interest in it, but I went, what's the difference between concrete and cement? And his eyes lit up. And then he was all about aggregate and stones and slurry. And I was like, oh, God, I wish I hadn't opened that door. But it was. Yeah, yeah. It really was. To this day, if anyone asks me, I can tell them.

But I'm still not a contractor. Right, right. But I could do it. But you know the difference. I know the difference. It's also, too, the fact that your father is about concrete. Yes. It's like there's no better author than life.

That is true. You know what I mean? An engineer with a concrete mind. Because engineers have those minds. And then here you've got you who are not concrete. You had a cardboard kid. Yeah, yeah. Well, I would say more of like a, you know, just a.

Cheesecloth? No, I would say like a roving creature, like a spirited, an open spirit. A wild thing. Yeah, yeah. That's not, I will take that. I think so. I definitely think so. I will take that.

Because you, you know. He had no idea how to deal with it. Yeah. He was, no idea. Now I've been, I've spent a lot of time lately. He's still that. Because you, you know. He had no idea how to deal with it. Yeah. He was, no idea. Now I've been, I've spent a lot of time lately. He's still alive. He's 90 years old. He's still got his faculties.

Your mom's still here too? Yes, but she's in a home. I see. She's got dementia. Yeah, yeah. She's long gone. Yeah. She's still there.

No, I know how. You know what it's like. I have relatives. It's rough. Yeah. But my dad's still, he's still quite together. He's quite jaunty. And he's like catnip for all the women in his assisted living.

Does he, oh, so he lives alone, but just. He lives alone in his own apartment. Yeah. But he takes care of. Is your mom in the same place? No. Oh, okay. Very close.

They're in Brampton. That's where eventually they moved down to. But I guess what my point was earlier was like, the first nine years of my life I spent in North Bay. Yeah. And then my parents brought us down south. But my parents, when they went up to North Bay, they didn't really know what the North was like. My father fell in love with it because he was always out and about doing like surveying expeditions, right? They'd go for weeks at a time into the bush and they'd stay in cabins and that sort of thing. So he loved it.

But my mother was isolated. She didn't have friends. She didn't speak French. I mean, it was a very French-English town. Yeah. And she was completely isolated. And then just bang, bang, bang, she just had these kids, one kid after another. And I don't think she really wanted to have all those kids.

She just wanted a company. Yeah, yeah. But she had a rough time. I remember, you know, she had a rough time up there. There's no question. And we lived on a lake. So you had all these kids on a lake. Like with a dog, when I was first born,

my first five years were absolute paradise because we lived on a lake and we got to town in a boat. And I don't think there's anything better than that. Oh, that's, yeah. Wow. One of those, like, those boats with the paneling on the side. Do you remember those? Like the Chris Craft kind of old wooden.

Is that what they're called? Yeah. Like a sort of a look mahogany. That's exactly it. Oh, yes. You could smell the cedar right now. Yeah, yeah. And so when she went up there, she had a hard time. mahogany. That's exactly it. You can smell the cedar right now.

So when she went up there, she had a hard time. I remember one time, my mom, at this point, she only had four of us, but we were all little. We had a fourth? Second. And she was, lunchtime, and I don't know, she fell asleep when she was making us lunch,

and I guess she woke up and there was a fire. Oh, boy. So the firemen were there. And that's when I think I decided that firemen are really something. And I think she did too. Mom, why don't you burn the house down again? Yes. I think she might have done it on purpose.

Oops-a-daisy left another candle by the curtains. Burn the house down again. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I think she might have done it on purpose. Yeah, yeah. Oops-a-daisy left another candle by the curtains. Oh, God. Another hot fireman's going to come in and put out the, you know. How old were you at that age? Oh, six. Wow. And I remember it. Yeah, yeah.

Really clear because I'm going, Mom, wake up. She was just so tired. She wouldn't wake up. Was she asleep on the couch or in the bed? No, at the kitchen table. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. Another time we were, I remember, it was pretty idyllic, really, like my brother.

We got to school through the woods. We cut through the woods. And it's crazy. No one would ever allow that today. But there was one day my oldest brother ran into a clearing with a mama bear and her two cubs. And that's the thing you're most terrified of there. And so he got chased by the bear. He got treed.

Wow. And he had to wait until they, you know, because they can climb trees. But he got so high, he couldn't get up to get them. Yeah, yeah. He must have been about seven or eight. And he came running home crying and told my mom. And she didn't believe him. She was like, oh, get off.

Don't tell someone that Matt cares. She just didn't have the time for it. I don't think she, she just didn't believe him. So he had to go to the neighbor and she believed him. And the next thing I know, mom opens the door. Oh,

what was this? It's the bear, the bear people to come and tranquilize the bear. So there was always, I just say a lot of hot men appearing at the door with guns and nets. Yeah. To take care of deadly problems. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyways, and then I was nine. My dad got transferred to Toronto, and we moved down south to Brampton, where I spent the rest of my growing up, which I think really formed me, because I was like eight or nine. Yeah. Can't you tell my love's a-crawling? What were your interests as a kid?

Like, were you sporty? Were you a TV watcher? No, I really was not a huge, I mean, we all watched TV. Right. I wasn't a big movie buff. I mean, I liked movies. I liked TV. But my number one thing was books.

I was a real egghead. I loved books, particularly science fiction. Were you the only one in the family? Yes. Oh, wow. I'm not saying I'm not the smartest one, but I was definitely the only one that was just obsessed with reading. Yeah.

And more than television and more than movies. And also because maybe if I'd lived in a family with less children, I would have had more access to the television. But we were such a rambunctious group that the power was always, the power dynamic was who got control of the changer. Of course. So constantly we were pulling it off the TV and hiding it so you couldn't change it then all

of us kids had to get wrenches to turn it yeah you remember those days pre-remote yeah remote yeah um so i wasn't really allowed to watch what i wanted like if my brothers ever came home and watched me caught me watching like you know gentlemen prefer blondes or you know all about eve they would have pummeled the shit out of me. Yeah, yeah. So I never got, it was always, wide world of sports. Let's watch that guy wipe out a game.

Yeah. So it was sports, sports, sports. That's what I was going to ask you. Yeah. Was reading an escape? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, it was a very cacophonous,

kind of a violent, it was a violent household. Yeah. And there wasn't a wall that didn't have a hole in it. Oh, boy. And so i definitely escaped my very first i think my greatest pleasure my great but probably my greatest what i consider the greatest artistic um influence on me as a child would have been the narnia books i was obsessed yeah yeah c.s lewis i i read all i love those books too, yeah. And I continue to keep going back to them. The power of those books is children getting to be in charge.

Absolutely. Children in charge. Children in charge. In charge of a magical land and being in charge. And on their own. Like Pippi Longstocking. I was obsessed with Pippi Longstocking. On their own, they become in charge.

And then also the thing that blew my mind is that they got to be adults in Narnia and then they step back through that fucking closet I know and they're right back

to where they were can you imagine so they're children with the knowledge of adults who've had sex yes who had fully developed

genitals absolutely that's all I thought about I know I know well that's like the like in Jumanji, like this, and everyone hates

when I say this, but Bonnie Hunt's character, she's lived this, like this, you know, like, oh, that sad woman who never got married.

Like that whole, that old trope of like, oh, she's just, you know, disappointed and had all these terrible affairs and then she goes back

to be a kid again and then gets to start over with a lifetime of bad fucking in her head as a child. Do you think that's possible to overcome? How would you all of a sudden at eight and then you get to have all these

like all this drunken assignations floating around in your head at Exactly. At like nine. And then you're supposed to go like, I like Timmy, you know. I can't wait for our first kiss. Yeah, yeah. I can't wait for our first kiss. And then the first time that like he comes too fast.

Exactly. You know. And then leaves. You're like 14. You're like harder, harder. What the hell? Pull my hair, you idiot. I can't wait for him to insult my ass spankings aren't just for discipline you moron get to it oh yes but i did love it and i also

found i don't know how you felt about the nardia books in terms of then there came a point about maybe 20 years ago when people started to go oh they're all just propaganda for christianity i'm like they sure are but i never it never crossed my mind never crossed my mind that ass land was jesus me neither no neither i mean and it doesn't change my love of it yeah oh no and i yeah and it's kind of like oh yeah oh as if they're bad lessons well and also sort of like uh you know metaphorsors for Christianity are present in Western civilization. What? Gee whiz.

Are you crazy? Like, honestly, the thing is, this is what I really worry about. I worry a lot about the future. And I worry about young people. And what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Is there a problem now? Don't bother me

with it. Sorry, kids. Sorry, kids. As long as you put me in a floatable bed, I don't care. That is what I want, a floatable bed, but in a parade. I would like it in a parade. A water parade. Yes, but I did, I never, I thought, you like Narnia? What are you, regressive?

I'm like, oh, please. I was a child. Right, right, right, right. But I tell you, I just, that was it for me. Books, books, books,ia, what are you, regressive? I'm like, oh, please. I was a child. Right, right, right, right. That was it for me. Books, books, books, books, books. Science fiction, the classic pulp era, the 70s. Yeah, that was my absolute escape. What

age did you know that you were gay, if I may ask? Oh, you just did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, because you could tell me to fuck off, but I mean, come on. Why would I do that? I don't know. It would make for a bad podcast, that's for sure. I'd only tell you to fuck off to turn you on. So fuck off, Andy.

Slide whistle, please. Oh, people, don't deny our chemistry. We've had it forever. We sure have. But yeah. If only my fucking heterosexuality didn't get in the way. Yeah, me too. I feel the same way.

Not my heterosexuality, but it'd be interesting. If I was straight and you were a woman, if I was a woman, you'd probably have made a pass at me. Oh, absolutely. Thank you. Absolutely. No, no, no. You're a brilliantly funny, interesting person

that I have loved for many years. So there you go. But what was your question about? When did you know that you were gay? When were you aware of it? I mean, I always knew that I was very different. I always knew that I didn't fit into the world. But that also just could have been because I'm that person anyways.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a very good point. I could have still been a straight guy. Because there's plenty of conforming gays. Oh, absolutely. And there's plenty of straight people that are weird as hell. Yeah, yeah. But it was probably around eight or nine where I sat myself down.

Even earlier, I knew I liked boys better. And then I guess around eight or nine, I remember very clearly, I used to try to do things to stop it. Like around eight or nine, I started to punish myself for impure thoughts, thoughts about men. Is this, you're Catholic? No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

Wow. No. With that big family and everything, too. I know. No, I'm Protestant. Yeah. I'm an Anglican, which is what we call. Episcopal.

Episcopal. Yeah. No, I was not. I was not Catholic. But I have a lot. High Anglican, which is what we call Episcopal. No, I was not Catholic. But I have a lot of high Anglican, which is very close to Catholic Catholicism. But I used to punish myself to try to stop it. I would deny myself certain foods. So every day was Lent.

And I would always think like, you know, I would go. And would you go to Nine Yards and deny yourself foods that you actually enjoyed? Only foods that I enjoyed. Okay. I won't eat a lentil. Well, it would have been a, this is really weird. Sweets and things? Yes.

Yeah, yeah. This is really embarrassing. And I actually have never quite realized it until now what I was doing, but I would deny myself phallic shaped foods. Wow. Like bananas was my first thing that had to go in. Wow. They had to go out the door.

I could not enjoy bananas. Well, they certainly aren't going in the door. No, they certainly weren't. Not peeled. Right. They're not. But, you know, and I would deny it. And then I would, you know, I would usually take about the same, just like Lent, about four weeks, six weeks. And then if I still thought about men, I'd have to pick on another food.

And then it would be pudding. So I guess it would be. So it would be banana and pudding? Or would it, would you go like, okay, I tried bananas, but now I can go back. Maybe I went from phallic shaped things to lube, things that reminded me of a lube. Or loads. Or loads. Yeah, yeah.

Or loads. Vanilla pudding. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Interesting. I'm figuring things out. That's what I'm here for. But yeah, so I would, and then it came to a point where I just quit,

or I'd punish myself. I would like, I wasn't a cutter, but I would hurt. Like pinch and things like that? Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's silly. And then I just had to eventually come to grips with it. And then I thought, oh, there's no, my whole life will just be horrible.

Yeah. All gay men eventually are murdered in a parking lot like Salminio, or they die of alcoholism like Paul Lind, or they're an overdose, or they're murdered. I just assumed. Do you have an idea, like, when you first became aware of gayness as a thing, you know, like in terms of like, this is the way some people live.

Yes. Yeah. And it terrified me. I mean, it just terrified me. And in those days, nobody was open, but there were a few beautiful heroes. And they were like Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Truman Capote.

Those are the only, Tennessee Williams. Yeah. And they were almost exclusively writers. Yeah. And they were my heroes. You know, except for, but Truman Capote skeeved me out. I was so horrified by him, even though I knew he was a brilliant man. But his effeminacy, it made me so terrified.

Because I thought, oh, my God, the moment I declare what I am, I will be such a queen. And that was the worst. Well, the worst thing you could be was a homosexual, but an effeminate homosexual was the bottom of the barrel. And so every time I'd see him, I would just be sick. You know, and I loved Paul Lynn. It was my only impersonation that I could do. But he was not, or Charles Nelson Reilly. And those are the ones where I went, those are gay men. But they scared me because they were, we could say, faggy in the day. I mean, I said it. Effeminate. Yeah. And that terrified me. But that's when

I started to realize, I think it was probably through James Baldwin and Tennessee Williams, number one. Like, what age is this? Well,

this would have been 13, 14. Yeah, yeah. And I had a teacher. He was an amazing teacher. And everyone, he loved this man. And I realized

he was most likely homosexual. Yeah, I had a very formative teacher like that, too. That years later, thinking back, I was like, oh, yeah. And he would do things like, and this is his beautiful outreach to kids like me in that time. He taught us English, and I was in enriched English. So we were a smaller class. And there was a little library he had at the back. And there'd be about maybe 20 books. And for someone like me, he would say,

why don't you go take a look at this shelf? Yeah, yeah. And it was never labeled. And it would be James Baldwin, Tennessee Williams, Gore Vidal, Truman Capote, those books. wasn't ever labeled and it would be james baldwin you know tennessee williams gore vidal truman capote those books and uh it was giovanni's room by james baldwin that that was that really opened me up that that was when it's still my favorite novel of all time oh wow it's a beautiful beautiful i've never read it i will yeah it's the best yeah so that it was through that it was through those

those people yeah that i started and then i started to explore the whole world of it you know and and i mean gay liberation was just in its infancy um so but what year is this about this would have been like in the early i guess early 70s yeah and so i would read about you know i would read about homosexual you know there would be a cover there was once a cover of life magazine, and it was like, the homosexual. And it was just darkness and a face in the dark, a shadowy figure in the darkness. And then when I was like, yeah, that's the way it was back then. But I knew.

I knew. And all I wanted to do was get out so that I could be myself. And I really thought, well, it's going to be a rough, rough road. And that was before AIDS happened. And then I went, oh, they just tore up the rough road. They didn't even give us a road. Or there's snipers in the trees. Yeah. So that was tough. I'm blessed and cursed to have been born into the most, I think, the most difficult generation for homosexuals, particularly gay men. Yeah. And that forged me.

I really do believe I was forged in a fire. Yeah. It's amazing the difference because I have an 18-year-old son who's gay. I know. Who came out to us when he was 11. Yeah. 18-year-old son who's gay. I know.

Who came out to us when he was 11. Yeah. And just, and then, and like I say, I say often, I say he came out to us when he was 11 and then we didn't talk about it for about six years because he just. It's still wonderful. Yeah, because it was, you know, and anyway, who wants their parents in on their sexuality or on their burgeoning identity? I know. Why would you want your parents in that?

Not all of us have Kurt Russell for a dad. But it's – well, and also, too, he had the benefit of growing up in Los Angeles. Oh, my God. When you told me that, I was like, moved. For me to bring in his prom picture of him, because he has a boyfriend that they've been together for about two years. And they are just the most lovely couple. Not just, I mean, they're beautiful people. But they're also just, both of them are just really sweet, wonderful people. And they have such a loving relationship.

And they, like for me to bring their prom picture to work and to show it to, to the gays at work here, my gays. What are you, Kathy Griffin now? I sure am. No, no, I, but like, you know, like I showed it to some of the men here at work and it's. Older men? Yeah. And it's really hard for them i mean in one sense it's beautiful and they're so happy and then another sense there's this why couldn't

i have had oh there's a fury why couldn't i oh no there there's men it's it's entirely relatable because yeah why the fuck couldn't you have had that you know just because of stupidity that's where i'm at right now in my life looking at at it and going, holy cow, did we suffer. And I look at men my age, and I just think, we're just a wasteland. We're wrecked and ruined. And I'm trying very hard to put myself back together again. But there's another thing, and I don't know if we discussed that time at your house, but I had to go into therapy for it,

and that was my fury. Yeah. And my jealousy. Yeah, yeah. And to think that, and particularly for me, it was particularly intense because I'm like, I helped create this world. You're a public figure, yeah.

I helped build this building, and there's no room for me. Yeah. No apartment for me. Yeah. And that broke my heart. And my therapist had a gay son, too. And he was like 16, and he was exploring drag. And my first impulse was, I want to kill you all!

Yeah. Yeah. Because he was like, when men talk about their gay son and they're not infuriated or disgusted, there's a part of me that can't believe it. Yeah. Like, I understand it on paper, but I don't know if it's really possible for me

to believe that they mean it. And I'm so hurt by society, what it did to us, that I'm just waiting for the turn. Yeah? Yeah. The turn in you? Going bad again.

No, I'm waiting for society to turn on us again. But what about a turn in you? That's the thing. You're the one that, you're one person that helped me with that. We had that discussion when I talked about this. And you said, think of it as having a child. You've given your whole life to them.

You've sacrificed your life for that child. And they don't give a fuck. Yeah. And really, they don't have to. Yeah. And I thought a lot about what you said to me. And I went, well, that's a very, that's, have you ever said anything wise before? Once or twice.

I mean, because I know you're hilarious and you're smart, but fucker getting wise. I'm sorry. I know. It's sorry. A friend of mine, a writer named Nicole Cliff who's on Twitter, she did a thread on Twitter about a conversation that she had with her dad. thread on Twitter about a conversation that she had with her dad. And it was, and this is sort of also at the time that my marriage is ending and my son's going off to college and all these things. And it was, it was very moving to me. Her father said to her, and it was when she was, she was recounting when she was about to have her first child. And her father, who's not a very demonstrative man said to her, he said, you know,

the thing about having a kid is that you, you're not, you're not that sure. And then here they are. And you've never felt a love this intense in your life. And it just grows and grows and grows. And the child necessarily leads, needs you less and less and less. Yeah. So you have cursed yourself to a lifetime of unrequited love. You're speaking to me directly through metaphor, aren't you?

I certainly am. Yes. I certainly am. Are you saying that I need to get over it? A little bit. Oh, you're absolutely right. A little bit. That's what I'm working on now.

Yeah, because what other choice do you have? Yeah, well, I've thought very much about that because I've been very, the last few years, I've been kind of consumed with this idea that I've been forgotten. And I know these are very, I'm embarrassed by this, but to say it to you, I don't mind. Listen, I'm a very, I mean, like in relative terms, like I have enjoyed a great amount of success. You have. I have a, I make a really good living and I've been on this – You didn't invent podcasts though. I certainly didn't invent – we'll get back to that.

But I – but there still is in me why don't I have this? Why don't I have that? I totally understand that. And having encountered various people that weren't necessarily like my heroes, but certainly were kind of highlights to me and aspirational figures in my young comediness and meeting them now and hearing how bitter they are and thinking, be careful, Andy. Yes. Don't do that. Yes. Try and be as happy as you can with the goodness that you have. But you seem to have done that.

I do, but I still, I have to fight the bitterness. But the part, the tiny, the really petty part of me goes, yeah, well, that's easy when you're a straight white man. Yeah. And that's petty. Yeah. Because the truth is, anybody can overcome this. And there are people that have suffered so much that have turned

into beautiful spirits as they're when they're older anybody like that there's this woman who recently died it was a holocaust survivor and there's a documentary about her and she's just the most bright she was like in her 80s lively warm empathetic people and I'm going, if I just if I don't, I could become that, but I could become the other two and I'm at a crossroads. And I know that what you said to me is one of the things that

keeps ringing in my head like remember what Andy said, you just have to accept you do something because it's the right thing. End of story. And I'm not quite there but I'm working on it. But also, you are deeply, deeply appreciated by many, many, many people. Well, that's nice to hear. You truly, truly are.

And whether that – But the petty part of me goes, well, then why have I not been on television 20 years? Like, why do I have no career? I don't know. I don't – because, you know, because it's a mean fucking business. Which is what we said at the beginning, which is true.

And it really doesn't care about you. And I, quite frankly, I have been in a very sheltered harbor of show business. You have. Thanks to Conan O'Brien. Yes. For many, many years.

So I could, you know know there's times when i when i will think more expansively and i mean and quite frankly when i left the show the first time a lot of it was just itchiness was just i was an expansive sort of like hey i've enjoyed some success and and i'd like to trade this coin in and see if i can get a another coin that might be more meaningful to me or bigger to me or whatever in a young person's brain. That's when you were doing like Andy Richter controls the universe, which was a wonderful show.

Yeah. And I mean, thank you. And I, you know, and so I came to LA, I did, I was the star of three different network sitcoms. Wow. And I can, and then none of them worked out. So I can sit here and I can think, ah, fuck. Three-time failure. Three strikes, you're out.

Fuck you, says show business. We give you your chance. And quite frankly, after that, I pitched a sketch comedy show to Comedy Central, which in my arrogance at the time, I was like, come on. Me, a sketch comedy show at Comedy Central? That's a fucking no-brainer. Me, a sketch comedy show at Comedy Central, that's a fucking no-brainer. And I wrote a really fucking funny show to which the guy in charge of the time kept saying to me, I love these sketches. They're all so funny.

I just can't figure out why they all live together. And I said, well, you know, I'm in all of them. Like that's sort of a through line is my presence in all of them. He's like, yeah, but they're just all about different stuff. And I'm just like, have you never fucking seen SNL? Yeah. Like, but, and I would joke with them and say, do you want the bong report? Like, is that what you're looking for?

And you'd be like, no, no, no, that's not what I'm looking for. And then after, and they turned me down. And after they turned me down, like three days later, I saw a billboard for David Allen Greer had a show called The Chocolate News. Right. And I went, holy shit, they did want the bong report. They want a show, a sketch show that's about the same thing all the time. And so I didn't, this thing that I thought was a no-brainer that I could make happen, it didn't happen. And at the same time, I went back to, you know, Conan came to me and said, would you would you like to be on the tonight show which who the fuck am i to turn down i mean i always said i didn't want to be

ed mcmahon but who am i to turn down a tenured professorship in show business which is what being on the tonight show yes is supposed to be but i you know i like i said i had those three shows three strikes you're out oh fuck i'm a. But then it's like, no, I was the star of a network sitcom three fucking times. How can I look at that as anything but a good thing? Yes. I haven't been the star of a network television show since. Right. But, you know, and like I say, I have this safe harbor that if I want to think about it, I could think like, well, good thing I'm here because out there

in the cold world, I don't know that I would have, I don't know if I would be in the same position, or I don't know if I would have thrived, or I don't know if I wouldn't be doing corporate gigs or something, you know? So you just, you know, I have that benefit, but I do not know what would have been out there in the absence of this of this part of my life and this tbs show so all i can do is look at the parts of my life that are the truly meaningful ones which is you know and i mean and it's easy when you have kids but i just i just you know i have to i you have to work at being okay with what you've got. And it seems sometimes like a trick that you're playing on yourself.

Yeah, but hey, the clock is ticking. So you might as well get satisfied as quick as you can. I absolutely agree. And I guess part of my problem was I gave myself so wholly to it, so business, that I neglected to build the other side. Yeah. And that's where I'm at now going, what have I done? Yeah. I really thought that this point in my career, there'd be parades for me for what I did.

And I would just never have to buy a drink again. And I have to accept that's not going to happen. And also. Parades are overrated. Well, yeah. I mean, but do you think that that would have necessarily satisfied you? No. Because deep down.

Because I don't know if it's possible. I call them world leaders. They're people that just, they can't, they can't, it's never enough. Yeah. And that no matter the level that they get to, there's always going to be, and they, this, well, first of all, I think this business, we all have a touch of it. We all have a touch of it. It's what got us out of where we came from.

It's like, this isn't enough. Yep. And that this isn't enough is a hard thing to get away from. And it's a hard thing because you use it at first as fuel. Oh, God, yeah. You know? And it is what makes your engine run. Oh, yeah.

And then you get to a certain age and you're like, oh, man, I'm fucking miserable. Yeah, God, yeah. You know? And it is what makes your engine run. Oh, yeah. And then you get to a certain age, and you're like, oh, man, I'm fucking miserable. Yeah, I can't run my engine on rage. Yeah, I got to convert this engine to something else. Yeah. So, yeah. And I do find that the biggest people in the world, you'll meet them, and then suddenly they'll make a comment. You're like, oh, my God, Tom Hanks isn't fulfilled.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, what? Right, yeah. And I'm at that now't fulfilled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Right, yeah. So, and I'm at that now, but here's the thing, this dilemma, it happened this week, and it was a revelation to me that I don't even know if I wish I'd had it, but it was like, and the moment I did, a cloud lifted that had been in my head for quite a while, and I went, and the idea was, I'm going to retire. And I never, ever thought that was an option.

And this time I went, that wouldn't be so bad. Because I think to myself, maybe this chase is hurting me. Yeah. Getting what I'm due and getting a show and having a comeback. And I'm like, holy cow. No one's interested in a man in their late 50s, white man in his late 50s and their comeback. Get over yourself. Being gay

isn't enough anymore. And I went, well, it's not like this business is going to go, whoa, I was wrong. It doesn't care. It's driven by money. And I thought, oh, man, dude. Because I thought, well, I can retire. I don't have the money, but I can live very frugally.

And I'm sure that something will come along every once in a while, and I'll do it. Yeah. And I could write books. Hannibal was, it was so wonderful to see you on Hannibal. Right, but yeah. But even Hannibal, the part where he was like, why am I the smallest character on the show? But that's it. Because somebody's got to be. I know. you know? Yeah. But even Hannibal, the part where he was like, why am I the smallest character on the show?

But that's it. Because somebody's got to be. I know. You know? But, well, David Cross isn't playing a, isn't in one, you know what I mean? Yeah. And that, and so there was a, and I'm very grateful for that show. I think it's a masterpiece that Brian Fuller gave.

He's one of those people that throughout my career, he's given me real solids. Like he, he was a young writer on star trek voyager and that was and and he was part of the and him and brandon braga wanted to get me to play a character on that and that's the only time in hollywood that i ever played it was probably the last time i was on network television up until hannibal that's a long time ago but i played a straight guy and i just all i wanted to do was play just a guy yeah

I've never done romantic comedy and I played not just I played a monk with a giant blue head that's the only way Hollywood would let me be heterosexual

well we'll make him incredibly unfuckable that'll show him hey look in this day and age a giant blue head might be very fuckable to somebody

well this character had so much confidence that I went after seven of nine. Yeah. And it was such a thrill for me. I thought, oh, if I'd only stayed in the closet, I could have done this. I could have, you know. But, you know, I can't remember what my point was originally. Oh, because I said Hannibal. Hannibal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were saying how this writer had been good to you. Very, right. Yeah, because I said Hannibal.

And you were saying how this writer had been good to you. Very, Brian, yes. And Brandon Braga, who brought me in for that. But retirement, I'm going, well, I wouldn't be retired because I have to create. But I talked to an old, very old, very old friend of mine,

a very, very good friend, and he's given up the business. He's never sounded happier. Yeah. Still, he goes up and performs and he writes stuff and he does tutorials of people. And he's like, I'm having a great time. Yeah, yeah. And I'm thinking, I never thought that was possible.

But it might, I think, well, you know. And then, of course, when you do that, the next thing you know, your career, and that's the thing I'm going, if I say I'm going to quit comedy, maybe I'll have a Nanette where I'll actually get bigger and I'll do it with actual jokes. Right, right. I know you can't even go there, and that's fine, but I can go there. All right, yeah. And we don't want to go there. I don't want, I'm not going there. No, of course you're not.

No, no. Yeah, I've often said, and I honestly do believe this. Years ago, Jeff Ross, our executive producer. And ours. Oh, that's right. And Kids in the Hall. Yeah, yeah. And that was a follow through.

And also, we were all under the Lorne Michaels umbrella. Yes, we are. The first time I ever met you guys was at an SNL party. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I remember that. And I was struck by, we walked from the party to somewhere else, to another bar. Yeah, I remember that.

And I was struck by how Dave Foley, who I had never met before, within 30 seconds of talking to him, was bitching about all of you. Totally. I'm so glad to hear that. Totally fucking spilling the beans about, you know, fucking Bruce is this way and Mark is this. And I was like, one of my people, a bitch, a fucking raging bitch. I love you. Yeah, he's the best. He's still like that i know i love him he's just he's uh but he also too he is one of the truly kindest most totally beautifully moral

people in the world yes he is just absolutely a true blue wonderful human being yes he is yes he is he's a raging bitch yeah raging bitch and but yeah but i mean but i think that's you know that's how you deal with it we were totally like brothers like oh yeah yeah and i also think back i'm going holy cow the things i've said to people off the record about the other kids in the hall if they wrote a like a real book about the way we really were we we will all hate each other. Yeah, yeah. Although I don't know if that's really possible because we really have done everything to each other that anyone could do.

And you're still together, yeah. In a sense. Yes, we are. We're absolutely together. Yeah. Right up to hitting each other, right up to sleeping with each other's mates, that sort of thing. Oh, wow.

We're talking serious, like kind of like, you know, yeah, very, very serious. Like, you know, what was the band that everybody slept with each other? No, we weren't always sleeping with each other, but, you know, Lindsey Buckingham and-

Oh, Fleetwood Mac. Fleetwood Mac. We were like that. Yeah, yeah. Except we didn't fuck each other. Yeah. But we were nasty. Well, you we didn't fuck each other but we were nasty well you become

you become when you I think that like when you have a group identity that that's that that's that's that close you do become

one thing so there are like the blurring of edges between appropriateness and you know boundaries and personalities

like things really mushy do things to each other that they would never do to another human being. You know, I was part of a couple different comedy groups. It was like, yeah, everybody fucked everybody. Everybody fucked everybody over. Everybody insulted everybody. Everybody did beautiful selfless gestures for each other.

You know, it just, it happens. But I look back and I shudder at the things I've said about some of them. But you know what? It doesn't matter. No, and especially when people know the color of your character and the actual, they know your soul. They know your heart. So they know.

And they also know like, you're a bitch too oh god i'm i'm a petty bitch oh yeah i'm this i have to like there's so many times when i when i i'm about to bitch to someone about another person and i have to say look this is mostly about me yeah but that motherfucker and you know because i full i know like, this is not, this person is just living their life, being who they are, and I'm creating the poison. It's my fucking brain going like, oh, my God, if that fucker says that thing again, you know, it's, you know, it's what therapy's for, I guess. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But I always thought the business with comedy itself was therapy.

Yeah. And it is, but it's not quite enough. Oh, no, it's not. You know. Especially because it will exploit your warts rather than cure your warts. Yes. So, yeah, yeah. Garden, it turns them into a wart garden.

Yeah, it's true. I guess that's what a real a great career is a work garden lovely and some of those people with the most beautiful virulent warts

aren't still aren't satisfied no they're like what you just what is it you can't be satisfied with that wart

that's taken over your entire hand no or the people or the like the really biggie bigs oh yeah that just don't they're not even fucking human anymore yeah like i have occasion occasionally to talk to

some of the biggie biggs yeah and it's just like this is like talking to an interactive exhibit yeah this is and i and i'll there have been times too when i've tried to kind of just like come on let's crack through that let's you know nope no nope and I don't know whether it's a I don't know whether it's a whether the the the real self doesn't exist or whether it's so hidden that there's just no possible way that a guy like me who a talk show asshole is they're ever going to let give me a glimpse. And then there are other people, wonderfully successful, beautifully, hilariously talented people who are every bit themselves all the time. Like Tom Hanks, who I just attacked earlier for no reason.

But you used him as an example. Of course I did. As an extreme example. Extreme example. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Tom Hanks is probably dissatisfied. It's hard to believe, but probably a little bit. He probably went, why did I make such soft choices?

Joe versus a volcano. Yeah, why did it have to be so likable and everything? Turner and Hooch. I should have known better. I should have had a basketball and a soccer ball. That just wasn't inclusive enough. I was sports phobic. If they remade that movie now, you'd have to have about eight different balls.

A baseball, you know, a soccer ball. This is all I know is a football. Is there other balls? Highlight ball. Highlight ball. Yeah, yeah. Tennis, ping pong. Everybody represent, every ball represented.

Yeah, yeah. Now, do you have like any kind of of professional goal that you're really kind of? Well, I want my own show. Yeah. And I'm peddling a pilot right now. Who knows? Yeah. And I want to do my own thing.

I think to myself, well, this is the time when my, I've never gotten any – I've never had any of my stories done. I've never gotten a show or anything like that. And I've been pitching forever, and I've never gotten anything. And I think this might be – I might finally be at that point. Who knows? But I'd like that, and I have a couple of movies I'd like to get made. I want to get – I want to put my writing out there. Yeah.

And I'm also at the point where I go – I've been writing this screenplay for 20 years, and I finally finished it. But I've aged out of the main part. I can't play any of the parts any longer. I've often thought there's, like, I'd be happy. I honestly, I love acting, and I don't get to act enough. But there is a part of me that sometimes ideas that I have, I think, because, you know, frequently, like if I write a pilot, like I just wrote a pilot recently. It's just sort of expected that I'm writing it for myself. Right.

But there are so many ideas that I have. Like, I'm just like, why not have someone else do that? Yeah. And then I don't have to worry about being looked at. Yeah. You know? Yeah, and I'm at that place now where I never thought I would get there. Yeah.

It was just too much of an ego. God, I'm a star! Oh, boy, what a bore. Says the guy on the bus. Yes. I'm a star! Sir, you got your transfer, Pat? Yeah, I got my transfer. Here'm a star. Sir, you got your transfer, Pat?

Yeah, I had my transfer. Here's my star transfer. But I totally could do it. All I want to do is tell stories. Yeah. So I'd be completely, like I have this other one that I've written, which is a character of mine that I used to do in the kids in the hall, Danny Husk, my businessman character.

And I'm like, I can't. I guess I could. Maybe in a different generation 25 years ago, it's like a kind of, if I was Leslie Nielsen, I could play the part. But no one's going to buy me now as a 35-year-old man. It's silly. But then I thought, well, maybe I could get a genuine movie star to play the part. Oh, yeah. Before, I would be like, that's impossible.

Now I would be like, yeah, I don't care. Yeah, no, it's, there's so, yeah. I don't care. And I like to buy, I like to write books. And I go back to Narnia, I go, that's my real goal, is I'd like to write a series of books that change young people's lives. Yeah. That would be wonderful for me.

Yeah, yeah. And I keep thinking, I've been snoozing on my writing career. Yeah. And I think I need to defend and I think I need to concentrate more on that. That's great. Yeah. That's great.

Well, I, you know, the gimmick of this show, like I said, is, oh, we were. What was the other questions? Where do you come from? Where are you going? And what have you learned? And I think. We've said all those things. We certainly have said all those things.

And that's, you know, I initially... Oh, we did talk about all that. Oh, all of that. Yeah, yeah. And that's the idea of this show is that like, yeah, we'll get there. Although I had, you know, I used to get, I got notes early on

to sort of like, you really need to hit the questions on it. Who gives you those notes? These two? Yeah, these two. These two. People should know that there's two people watching that are just so furious looking.

And just everything we say, they look at each other. Rolling their eyes. And the one of them with that pad writing things down. I'm like, oh. Oh. Oh. And then a lot of crossing out and heavy writing. A lot of very old movie Italian slapping of the forehead and then dragging the hand down the face.

I know. So I'm just saying it's very, I've done my best to ignore them. I understand. I understand. But they're very. The wall of judgment is hard to deal with. It is. It's like the Jacques Hughes team.

12 angry men, please. And some of them are women. Yeah. No, but this has honestly been really one of the most free-form ones of these. And it's been, you know, when I started doing, you know, this is a thing, too. When you started, we thought you would reinvent the podcast. Yeah, we were joking about that earlier because apparently on the cover of Variety, what does it say?

It's Conan? Conan! The podcast revolution finally erupts and it's Conan O'Brien leading the charge. And I'm like, well. Yeah, because. You're going to put that in? I haven't been on your show in 20 years. When somebody says to Conan, you should do a podcast.

And he goes, all right. He reinvigorated the industry. If he ever did have me back on, I'd bring that Variety cover. Sure, of course. You know I would. I know. And even if I promised I wouldn't, I'm going to bring it. Oh, he'd be fine with it.

Of course he would. He'd be fine with it. Well, that's what we were saying. I was saying, you were saying he's probably mortified by it. And he probably is a little mortified by it. He's got to be. Yeah, yeah. Because he doesn't have to be fine with it. Well, that's what we were saying. I was saying like he, you were saying he's probably mortified by it. And he probably is a little mortified by it. Yeah, yeah. Because he and I are both Johnny come lately's to this thing. And I always, because I had, I'm not really even, I haven't been a big podcast consumer.

You know, I listen a little bit, but not a lot. And certainly not like with any regularity, one that I have to subscribe to and hear every week. So I had had people, Team Richter, as I like to call them, the people that siphon off the top of my income, and kept saying, you should do a podcast. And I was like, number one,

this is my stupid remnant Midwestern, like I would feel too dilettante- i'm not it's not i'm not yeah yeah and i just like i would feel like i feel like a phony yeah you know like in fact like this is my assistant was like she because you advertise things on this and they and they one of the things they want you to do is like have a personal experience with it so if you're advertising underwear they you know you get a couple free pairs of underwear and one of them was a turntable and and i had just because i moved into a new apartment i and just bought a turntable a couple months before but i kept the one that they sent me and i gave my the old one which was two months old, to my assistant.

And she's like, why don't you just give us the one that's already in a box? And I said, because I have to say I like this turntable, and so I want to be able to say that with some honesty. And she was like, you idiot. You could just say I like this turntable. And I was like, I know, know but for me for my own personal calculus i want to be able to say this thing sounds great and it really because i i it's in my house and i am actually using it so that's really honorable of you well it's it's almost like a tick you know it's almost like sort of inconvenient you know and that's like and to do a podcast and to say like

i don't know i don't listen to him i feel feel like an asshole. I feel like people would be like, oh, here he comes. And so finally, just as part of a start to just say yes to things and start to sort of turn up the water and see what comes. You're saying yes to the universe? Yes. And so I was like, you know what? I will do a podcast. And I kind of had this idea for this podcast. But I still was sort of like, you know, it's daunting. They say like 45 a year it's like oh jesus yo whoo um and

then but the funniest part was that like when i was like finally said to team richter you know what i will do a podcast and they hook me up with the podcast agent at uta and then like two days later because i'm not really in the loop with a lot of the stuff that goes on here because I, of my own choosing, but two days later, it's like, Conan's doing a podcast.

It's like, motherfucker. God damn it. Can I have anything? Is that why you're not at Earwolf? No, I am at Earwolf. Okay.

This is all part of Team Coco Earwolf. It's all like in Stitcher, they're all, you know, it's all, they're all sort of like, you know. Oh, I didn't know that. All fingers of the same fist. Okay. The same podcasting fist. But yeah, so Conan, you know, it's just, it's what, it's, you got to do something, you know,

and it's like this kind of, you know, it just seems like, yeah, let's do this. And I was, like I said, I'm like, I don't know if I, I love doing this. It's really enjoyable. I'm not going to get rich doing this. Right. You're already rich. You don't need to. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm not going to get richer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's just, I'm trying to just derive enjoyment from the things that I'm doing rather than the what they're going to lead to, you know. And that's just being old, you know, that's just being old and kind of, and that's, and that also too is like, that's anti-bitterness medicine. Yeah. Is to work at that, is to really, really work at that, like to just be okay doing this. Is to work at that, is to really, really work at that, like to just be okay doing this. And one thing I was going to say earlier is that like something that I feel is like almost detrimental to my career is that I derive as much enjoyment from making a nice meal for people.

Yeah. As I do from making a television show. And if I, you know, if I, well, I was trying to tell you, Jeff Ross, years ago, I said some crack about, you know, if I won the lottery, you'd never see me again. And he went, oh, come on. And I went, no. That's Dave Foley to a T. Yeah, yeah. No, really. If I made a pile of money, I'd be like Hugh Beaumont with my Christmas tree farm, which

it's a reference no one will get. The dad from Leave it to Beaver. Oh, yeah. I remember him. Just like, fuck, leave it to Beaver. Oh yeah, I remember him. Just like, fuck, leave it to Beaver. I'm out of here. I'm going to

Christmas tree farm up in the middle of nowhere. That's what he did? Yeah, yeah. But Barbara Billingsley did the show. No, she certainly didn't. She kept working.

She kept working. She had to pay off. Each episode was a pearl. She had to pay off the pearl necklace that she always wore. Really? No, I just made that up.

I think they bought her that pearl necklace. Do you think so? I think so. Do you think it was a real pearl necklace? I don't know. Yeah. Of course, referring to. That's for the next episode.

No, there was not a. There wasn't like a line of ropey semen around her neck. No, certainly not. At least not on TV. Not on camera. Not on camera. I mean, who knows? Who knows what she was like.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, she might have been a Florence Henderson, just a real, you know, just a real animal. A real horn dog. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have a podcast i do that i'm gonna be on yes you are and i uh like i told scott earlier i got an email today scott's plug was that because they know i don't plug anything i never do i never would plug things i thought like i don't know that's very personal i don't want to know about scott plug. I mean, I do, but.

Of course you do. You need to know more about my plug. Yes. But I'm going to be on it soon. It's online now. It's on. Your plug? Anybody can activate the vibrating function anywhere in this world.

That's known as dildonics. It is a dildonic. Yeah, yeah. I get a lot from South Korea, which means I must be very hip because a lot of K-poppers are activating. K-poppers. K-poppers. Oh, boy. I could use some K-poppers right now.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I just spilled some water. That's all right. I got so excited about thinking about doing Korean poppers. See, I always loved you because you knew that reference and you knew even then. Sure. No.

I'm very gay adjacent. You're very. Seriously, the only thing keeping me. You were meant to have a gay son. The only thing keeping me. And my dad is gay. Oh, yes. Sure, no. I'm very gay adjacent. Like, seriously, the only thing keeping me. You were meant to have a gay son. The only thing keeping me, and my dad is gay. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. The only thing keeping me from being gay is this fucking burdensome heterosexuality.

I know. My love of the puss. I know. Oh. I know. You've gone on and on about it. Oh, love it. What are you going to do?

Would it be possible for you to do a podcast on your love of the puss? No, but I'm serious. There's not enough. For the love of the puss podcast on your love of the puss? No, but I'm serious. There's not enough. For the love of the puss. For the love of the puss. Get out. Get out and do a podcast. But there's just not enough of that kind of talk anymore, and I really miss it.

Today I was thinking, I was just having this idea of a podcast called, I'm Worried Sick About You. So I'd be like, Ellen DeGeneres, I'm Worried Sick About You. So it'd be like, Ellen DeGeneres, I'm worried sick about you. But I am. Jared Leto, I'm worried sick about you.

Jared Kiso, we're worried about all the Jareds. Pedophile Jared, all the Jareds are in trouble. Thank God I remember what the plug was because we just wiped up the water with it.

Yes. Your podcast is called PTS Diva on Stitcher. I'm thank God. I remember what the plug was. Cause we just wiped up the water with it. Yes. Your podcast is called PTS diva on Stitcher. Yeah. It's called PTS diva and it's going to launch September, I guess like the labor day weekend. Right. And it's, it's,

it's not fun like yours. It's not? Well, it's fun because it's me. Yeah. I try to make things fun, but it's, it's got an, it's, it's got a, it's fun because it's me. I try to make things fun. But it's about trauma. So it's about different traumas in my life and how other people,

and I bring in people that have also been through traumas or been part of my trauma. And yours is going to be the suicide episode. And it's going to be this career suicide episode. And I want to talk to you about that if sure and hopefully you will i absolutely will i'll talk to you about anything but um yeah so it's about i'm trying to basically um talk about trauma and the role in art and the role in shaping a human being and how you can you can you can overcome it and because i thought it's about time for me to although i most of my comedy is about trauma,

but it's just about basically getting over things. And it's wrapped around certain events in my life that were very difficult that I'm trying to completely let go of. Yeah. One of them is the bitterness towards show business. To me, that sounds pretty goddamn fascinating and also something that I don't hear much about. There's a lot of sort of mental health podcasts. Yeah, this is comedy. That sounds pretty goddamn fascinating and also something that I don't hear much about.

No. I mean, there's a lot of sort of mental health podcasts. Yeah, this is comedy. Like each one will also have pieces. Yeah, but I think that this sounds, yeah. Like each one will have a story that I've written that's inspired by it. Or they'll have a monologue or a sketch. So there'll always be an artistic, a creative reaction to trauma. I'm too lazy for that.

Well, I've given myself a lot of work yeah this is much more this is much more fun but a lot of work I have to write so much I'm hoping it might lead to a book

that's wonderful you know but it's got I came up with a title and I went wow the title it's pretty great PTSD was a great title

PTSD was fantastic and so I have to follow the title yeah absolutely right well I love you I love. Well, I love you. I love you too, Andy.

I love you very much. And this has been a really, really, I think, a really useful episode of this stupid thing. I think so. Yeah. Because it's true. I tell you, that time by your pool when you told me that, it's been reverberating in my head ever since. That makes me feel really, really good. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you, Gandalf. Fly, you fool. That makes me feel really, really good. Yes. Thank you. Thank you, Gandalf. Fly, you fool. And let me be honest. I just wanted to put it out there. I would be the best Gandalf in the new Lord of the Rings reboot. And if people aren't going to give me a chance. That's going to be 20 years, though, at least.

Don't you think? It's coming out soon. No shit. They're rebooting the whole fucking thing again? As a television series. I think for Amazon. Oh, wow. And I'm very, very excited about it. And I think I'm at my state.

Here it is. I feel like I'm Gandalf the Gray, and I need to come out of that cave as Gandalf the White. The White, yeah, yeah. So I'm just saying, I'm just putting it out there you know like I'm not you know acting I mean might not do as much of it as I I never even done a lot lately as much as I thought I was doing but when I do come out of retirement it will I'm just gonna say it'll be freaking as Gandalf now I can do any I can do British accent listen up Hollywood listen up Hollywood yeah god damn it Gandalf's right here yeah Gandalf is right here

well thank you so much for coming thank you and um and god bless you and I will be seeing you around Burbank you will

and uh spotted me on the street walking I did I did and uh thank you out there for listening

to another episode of the three questions and we will be back next time bye bye I got a big big love for you the three questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco questions and we will Will Becton. And if you haven't already, make sure to rate and review The Three Questions with Andy Richter on Apple Podcasts.

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.