The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Skyler Higley: Bad Breakup Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: February 20, 2026

Straight from the Oscars writers’ room, former CONAN writer and comedian Skyler Higley joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your BAD BREAKUP STORIES! Want to be a part of the Andy Richter Call-In Show? Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask Andy a question! Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien. Buddy, Andy Richter here, which is good, because this is the Andy Richter call-in show here on Conan O'Brien Radio. It would be so much, well, I don't know. Maybe if I was, say, Bob Vila. Does anyone even know who Bob Vila is? Do you know who?

I do not. Okay, see, that's the problem with being old. That other voice you heard was Skyler Higley. He's sitting in with me today, co-hosting, guest hosting. He's a comedian and writer. He's written for the Academy Awards. Woo! The Onion after midnight, Conan. And you are nominated for a Writers Guild Award. Oh yeah. For the Twain Awards, right? For the Twain Awards. Is it just the Twain Awards?

Yes. Okay. Because I didn't know if the Oscars got a writer's Guild Award nomination or not. We did not. Thanks for bringing that up. Thanks. Well, it's, you know what, they just, they weren't that good. Last year. Right, right, right. I mean, Conan was, you know, he, you know, he was, you know, you know, He had that sort of awshuck's charm that he's had surgically implanted. Yeah, sort of flying around. The material wasn't good. Right. But as far as the writing, making air quotes.

You know, I mean, come on. It could have been better. We're trying to do better, Nick. Right. I always feel like he just makes it up anyway. Yeah. For years on the show, people would, there were people that would think that just when the show would start and be like, hey, how are you?

What are you doing? What's up? How are you? Like that that was all. scripted. Like, that was all carefully scripted. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had it the other way when I got on the show and people found out that I was going to be a writer, people would, were like, he has writers on the show. You think he just made it. They just made it all by himself.

And it was just you two guys up there being like, oh, yeah, this is, we thought of this five minutes ago, you know, the commercial breaks are where we throw together this sketch. Exactly, exactly. Well,

so yeah, You did the Twain Awards, which is really fun. You got to do that too. That was a really fun sort of weekend. Kind of a field trip for everybody. It was so interesting because I remember we were working together on the thing that you said on it. And I was kind of writing a version of it in the lobby that they had us in of the hotel. And sitting across from me was William Barr.

And I'm sitting here writing like, and Andy says, da-da-da-da. And I look up and William Barr is like right there. Bill Barr. Bill Bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's Washington, D.C. So it's like, you know. And I was like, hey, aren't you evil?

What's going on? Where? Oh, no. Oh, you mean, oh, you're not saying to. Oh, see, I'm going to. No, no. See, because Bill Burr was on the show. And it's like Bill Barr, though, who was the attorney general?

Was that what he was? Yeah, something in the first Trump admin. But I can see where you'd mix that up because Bill Burr and William Barr were both in that same hotel at the same time. But no, it was William Barr. Probably high-fiving a lot. Yeah. Yeah, no, that was a really fun. That was a really fun trip.

Really interesting. And you're working on the Oscars right now. You're back again. You came crawling back to help Conan with this year's Oscars. And you guys are over at the podcast studio, the Team Coco Studios, and I see you there. You guys there down there. Yeah, came straight here from there. You're going to go right back.

Going to go right back to the Oscar grind. You didn't like any of the material. And they'll know. No, I've been in there. I've been in there, uh, pulling cards off of the, off of the bulletin board and correcting them. Yeah. It says, too, too dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you're just putting question marks on certain things. And in a way that makes the idea feel like a question. Yes. That's right. Yeah.

Well, I want you guys to really consider what you're going to put in there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, today on the call-in show, we are talking because we're, with Valentine's Day imminent, we are talking young, dumb love stories. Oh, of course. Because, well, I think of all the things that make me cringe, the things that I did when I was young and thought that I was in love are among the most cringe-worthy. It's really, you think about it and it's like that is sad. And you know, when it's yourself, you're not really, um, you're not really, um, you're, you're,

You're not forgiving to yourself in the past. So you're just like, how could you do that? You degraded yourself. You're a loser. Fucking idiot. Loser. Well, if you're, you guys, tell us your stories about being a fucking idiot. If you have those, you can call us at 855-266-2-604, and we may put you on the air.

I don't even have any, any ones that I, except like sending inappropriate. flowers, like thinking like, oh, I'm going to send someone flowers. And then they're like, yeah, I have one. What the fuck is that? Oh, go, please. I have an embarrassing one that it just, I mean, it's just about me getting ghosted, but in the worst way because I was going to college about, you know, Utah State, which is like 80 miles or so north of Salt Lake City.

Yeah. And I had met somebody on like Tinder from Salt Lake and we started talking. It seemed like we had a really good connection. We realized we liked the same books. I really like Kurt Vonnegut. My favorite book ever at the time and still is Slaughterhouse Five. And she was like, oh, I really like Cats Cradle. You should read Cats Cradle.

I had never read it before. And I was like, okay, sure. I'll buy Cat's Cradle. And you know what? When I come and see you, why don't you borrow my Slaughterhouse Five book? And then we can talk about these books. I go to see her and I let her borrow my book. And it's, you know, completely fine.

little date that we have and and then immediately ghosts me and and she it's not a regular ghosting because she has my favorite book right and so I'm going absolutely insane because I hadn't really been ghosted before yeah but also like I felt like I told you this was my favorite yes yes this is my favorite book and it's like that's why um you don't lend people things that you really really like on a first date yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what I learned well and I'm sure that you probably thought that you were being very clever and ensuring a second date because there's no way that somebody would be that shitty to keep your favorite book. I wasn't even thinking ahead like that.

I mean, I assumed, but I wasn't using it as like a this is how I'm going to get to second date. I just thought like we're probably going to see each other again or talk more. I wasn't thinking ahead that far. And then when it was just like immediate ghosting after that, it was like, So I'm just a library to you? Yeah, yeah. What the hell? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was embarrassing. And then I was sending a lot of the, a lot of, you know, you get ghosted, you send texts like, hey, what's up? And then they don't respond. It's like, hey, what's up with more question marks? And then you're like, so. Where's my fucking book? I literally did text that. Like, hey, could I get, I don't even care.

You can ghost me? You don't have to have anything to do with me. But can I get my fucking book back, please? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drop it in the mail, please. Yeah, here's my address. And it was a complete ghosting. Yeah, no.

Well, you have to admire the commitment. Yeah. Well, I had spoken to her again online years and years later. And just because she had just like run across and, you know, I'm a comedian who's out there now. Yeah. And she was like, oh, my gosh. Hey, remember? And I was like, yeah.

Remember when you took my fucking book? She was like, yeah, I was really a bitch back then. And I was like, yeah, and that's how I'm going to remember you. Oh, well. But just think. If she'd given you the book back and there wasn't a second date, you may have forgotten her by now. Yeah, it's true. You know, it's a good book.

She made an indelible impression on it. Yeah, I think when I was young, too, like my hallmark, and I don't know what, well, I do know why this is. Like, because I, and still to this day, don't really have game, as they say. And the whole, like, people will be like, well, the notion of like going somewhere to meet with. women and chat them up and get a date. That's like, that's like saying I'm going to the park to catch birds with my hands. Like, I don't know how to do that. What would you do just hypothetically, we're, you're out somewhere, we're at a bar or something.

We're at the discotheque, as you like to go to. Yes. What would be, what would you do? What would you say, what would your opening line be if you were talking to it? There would be no opening line. You wouldn't even try. There would be no opening line because, A, I am enough of a misanthrope to like feel like odds are anybody I'm going to talk to, I'm not going to like them.

Like they're going to be annoying and stupid. And now, too, you add on to that that I'm on television, so I'm a known quantity. Then it's like we're not even starting on an even heel. Oh, so you think if somebody came up to you, very beautiful. and oh, that guy's so misanthropic and comes up to you, you'd be like, you only are coming over here because I'm on television. There is an element of that, but I can sort of, you know, but I can be polite and I can be nice and everything.

But I just, for me, the whole notion of, you know, like I, as I, as I, they, I saw once, I can't remember it was in, oh, it was in that show. It was in the Watchman show. Like one of the men is like the talking part I like the talking part Oh yeah And it's like I like the talking part And if the talking part isn't going to be there

Then I don't want the other stuff Well you gotta have the talking part or else Then look the times that you don't have the talking part You end up looking at yourself being like What am I doing here? Yeah what am I? What am I doing you? This sucks

It sucks and especially if you're in your early 20s or something you're going through that You're like I don't I'm not like liking anything that's happening. Yeah. So bored. What I would do then because like when I was young and, uh, is that most of my first

relationships, I was the other man. Oh. I was, I was the guy that, that somebody was cheating on their boyfriend with. Wow. Which just because it was like, it was somebody that, you know, like it was a woman that was safe to get to know and then, you know, like the, the pressure was off, I think. It wasn't hanging over me of like, are we going to date? Right.

You know, it's like, well, we're not going to date because you've got somebody else. I was a few times. Andy, you are obsessed with being a number two. I know. You are. I love being just one spot over from the limelight. So I'm ready. Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, I want to be the second guy. I don't want to be the first guy. The first guy is too much pressure. Right. Yeah. Wow. But then, you know, but then I did reach a point where I was. Like, this is not sustainable.

Right. This is not going to work. That can't be. That's never a good place to be it. You can always fool yourself for the first little bit. Yeah, yeah. And then it starts to get, once the adrenaline of everything wears off a little bit, again, you look at your life and go, I actually can't be this guy.

I can't be, you know, hiding in closets and jumping out the window and stuff like that. First of all, it's going to be bad for my back. Right. It's not good for my emotions either Although if you are in the Allman Brothers You can write songs about it Oh yeah That's pretty handy

I think it must be good for musicians If you would be the other man And always be in this stuff We're comedians so it's not as fun For us to be like Oh I'm in like relationship drama It's like that sucks Yes

If you're Taylor Swift that's awesome Right right But neither of us are Taylor's Yeah and neither one of us Are that kind of comic I don't think No I don't like it It always feels unfair comedically To me

Like it just inherently when you're talking about relationship stuff, how you were romantically with somebody else because then it's like, well, yeah, I'm just telling you my side of it and I can make up any version of what this is. So, and it's just not that interesting to me really. Yeah. Well, you don't have a heart. Well, yeah, that's true. We know that. Let's go to the phones. That's the whole point of being here.

We got Molly from Ohio. You got Skyler and me. Molly. Hello. Hi, Molly. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. Tell us about when you were dumb.

Okay. So first, I need you to get in the mindset of 2006. I'm already always there. I'm always there. Great. Great. The top movie, as of course you remember, was Pirates of the Caribbean dead man's chest.

Yes. Okay. Now I'm on board. Yes. Yes. My friend introduced me. to her hot neighbor who looked exactly like Captain Jack Sparrow. So I was in trouble.

Now, Jack Sparrow was not hot in that movie. He looks like he smells. Whatever. Everybody's into what they're into. Go ahead. I was 24. Okay. We were young and dumb.

That's what this whole thing is. Right. You're so right. Stop judging, Schuyler. Sorry. Right. And then he opened his mouth. And what came out was an accent that sounded Irish.

Oh. So another thing that you need to know to understand this is that my hometowns claim to fame to the day is that it is the town next to where that train derailed. And back in 2006, we didn't even have that going for us. Oh, you mean? When I asked this man. What is it? Palestine. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. He's Palestinian. I'm from next to that. Okay. It's not even next. So when I asked this man where he's from. he says all over.

And that just 100% worked on me. Yeah. Sure. Wow. That's a Captain Jack Sparrow-ass answer right there. Yeah, that's right. Causes your pants to fly off. Yeah.

Yes, in a heartbeat. So we end up dating. And after about a month, about a month and a half, probably around there, it was time for me to meet his parents. and I was probably nervous, but I was also very excited to meet these parents of this man who was from all over and maybe get some more context, find out more specifically where all over is. And does he maintain an accent? Since this point, yes. Wow.

Okay. I know. I'm from Ireland, but my parents live here. Yeah, okay. So we go to his parents' house and they walk. welcome me in and they greet me. And they also have an accent. But it does not sound Irish.

This is pure Jinser, because we are in Pulaski, Pennsylvania. Yeah. Okay. And that is where they are from and where he is from. And I never hear the Irish accent again. And I stayed with him for four and a half more years. Whoa. That is some major slagher.

that you cut him. So he went in, he got into his parents' house and the accent, like the Irish thing was just gone. Gone. How fast? Never again. Was it a subtle kind of move out or was it this abrupt, oh, ha ha ha, me, lucky charms. Hey, what's up?

Like, was it as he crossed the threshold? It was there in the car. It was gone in the house. I don't remember. I don't remember the walk from the car to the house. I don't know if it was fading then I didn't note it. Do you ever say, hey, Seamus, where the mouthful of shamrock go? McSparrow.

Yeah. Great question. No. You never spoke of this? Never. Why would I? Why would she? I mean, I think it's something for a discussion.

Did he seem like otherwise a trustworthy man in your relationship? Absolutely not. Well, his only true love is the sea, so it makes sense. That's right. That's right. You knew what he was when you dated him. He's a pirate. Four years is quite some time to clock with a man like that.

Right, right. A fake Irish guy. Well, wow. He probably, and it probably is. You didn't ask for smart love story. Sure. The minute he left you, he probably was back. He was Irish again. Right. And just learn. I imagine so. Don't let her meet the folks. Was it a good accent in retrospect?

You know what? Like I said, I was 24 years old. I was from a very small town. It didn't have to be. I don't know if it was or not. It didn't have to be that. Lucky Charms leprechaun is plenty. Right. Yeah. That'll do the trick. Right. All right. Well, Molly, that's a delightful story. Thank you for starting us off with such a wonderful tales. Magical. Yes.

All right. Thank you. Thank you. 855-266-2604 is our number. We're looking for young, dumb, love stories, me and Skyler and Leah. Leah from Montana is here to tell us hers. Hi. Hi.

Hi, Andrea. Hi, Andy. I'm doing. I'm good. I'm good. Skyler's here too. Don't forget him. I'm here too.

Oh, hi, Shailer. I'm, I'm a little, sorry. That's all right. That's all right. Yeah. So, my story. Before you continue, are you on speakerphone? No, I'm actually, I have the earbuds in.

If I make a mouse. Okay. No, no, it's okay. It's okay. If it's that, I thought maybe you're on speakerphone, but it's fine. I should not have interrupted your flow. Flow again. Reflow.

Okay, flowing back. Okay. So my dumb story is that when I was like 19, 20 years old, I met an English guy on a fan forum for the band Blur. Okay. There's a theme to these. Wow. Okay.

I know. Oh, God. So we emailed for a few months, and since I can't do anything halfway, I decided to save my grandma in the Bronx that summer and work as a waitress. in New York to pay my way to London to meet this guy

like blindly, just crazy. So I still can't believe my mom let me go. Is this unbeknownst to him? Is he aware you're coming? Oh yeah. No, we talked about this. Okay. I'm just kind of crazy. So I mean, it could have been

a bad thing because all I got from him were like photos and a in a couple of phone conversations. I was going to ask if this. Yeah, if this was actually just emails or if this was, if there were attachments involved? No, it was just like, yeah, photos and emails and like AIM and the message kind of situation. Were they, let me put it delicately, were any of them spicy?

No, they were more emo because it was blurr. Yeah, sure. We were yellow stupid. So, but I, nonetheless, I got all my ducks in a row and I flew to London from New York and I found a hostel for a few days. I mean, paying my own way, I took a bus to his small town of Stanford, Stanford Lincolnshire. This lazy guy's town where I paid for another B&B, he did like nothing. He was just chilling, waiting for this American dummy to show up. at his door.

I'm lucky. But it turns out, at least it turns out he was who he said he was. Oh, that's good. That's cool. And he could have been a catcher. Yeah. Yeah.

He was a, he was 23-year-old, dumb, drunk cell phone sale. But he's just dumb. But that was like the only, that was his only false. But at least, at least out of the situation,

I got an SDD. That was the bad part of it You flew That's an overseas STD That actually Yeah Yeah It's really

It's better than an American One of us Exactly Wow You bring it home And then And then the SDD gene pool Gets to

Branch out a little bit Over here Back in Montana Right No baby That's Liverpool syphilis It's cool Yeah this one

Drin Fittin Yeah How long did you How long did you How long did you hang out with him for? Well, I just want to say this to No Funn intended clear it up to his credit. It was a kind that goes away after a couple years.

Okay. Okay. No, but I mean, I mean, because you got there. And believe me, I understand, you're young. And even you can even have the realization like, oh, this is not that great. Right. This won't work. But you're young and you're there and what the fuck, you know.

Yeah. And also, horniness is a great, it smooths over a lot of times. And we got to point out, I mean, it's blur. I mean, who can't go for blur? The iconic band, Blur, that everyone. Blur is pretty good, Skylar. Don't be snotty about it. No, I'm not being snotty.

I love blur. I don't know who blur is. Blur, yeah. No, Blur was sort of like not Oasis. Okay. And then Damon Albarn, the guy from Blur, did guerrillas. Oh, okay. Gorillas now I'm connected.

Yeah. Okay. All right. You don't remember. Oh, sorry. I was going to say, you don't remember woo-hoo. Yeah. I do remember.

Oh, that's what you did. You did woo-hoo. That's right. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding. Oh, God. Wow. Woo-hoo.

Okay. Well, that's good. Good for you. Yeah, you're good at me. All right. Well, Leah, thank you. Thank you for letting us know about this and for sharing. Did you go to the doctor and they go, oh, you saw the guy from Blurred Injia?

We see this all the time. You've got the emo disease. Yeah, well, you've got to say one more time, not anymore. Yeah, yeah. No, of course. No, we all get smart as we get older. And then our bodies fall apart. Thank you, Leah.

Thanks, thank you, thank you, thank you. You too. Next up, we have Jessica from Minnesota. And she's got... Hi. Hi, Jessica. Hold on. I got to say this.

You got a wild card call. Yeah. That's right. Off topic. We don't care. What is it? Well, you said you wanted stories about animals and pets in the last episode. Yeah, that's all right.

Yeah. Yeah, you can turn your work in late. I'm not going to penalize you. Sure. So it's actually about my mom's pets. About three years ago, my dad passed away. Sorry to hear it. My mom decided.

All right. Thank you. So my mom decided to move back down to North Carolina to be by her mom and her sisters. and unfortunately she could only take two of her three pets, so she took her two dogs because they're brothers and they're bonded. And I took in her cat Zelda. And a side note is, so I did go to visit her this past fall, and right before I went, we had to put down that cat Zelda.

So sorry to start out with all this death, but, you know, that was a real bummer. That's all right. Here comes the punchline. We've got nowhere to go but up. Yeah. Yeah. So I go down to visit her in the fall, and her dog's names are Pugsley and Gomez. Oh, nice. They're always so excited to see me. Yeah. They're just the sweetest little boys.

So I get to her apartment, and they're excited, and they're barking, and they're jumping. And I go to put my suitcase down, and I notice Gomez is kind of walking funny. And, you know, Gomez, you okay? And he goes into the kitchen and just collapses. and I start freaking out. I just had to put down my mom's cat. Did I fly out here and her dog died? But it turned out he has a heart murmur. And he was so excited to see me that he passed out from excitement.

His heart was beating so fast. His blood pressure dropped and he just fainted. And about 30 seconds later, he kind of wobbled and stood back up and he was perfectly fine. And was your mom aware of this? I mean, she was there to tell you that, like, oh, it's probably just his heart murmur. Yep. So, yeah, he was on medication, and she had just seen a video. Like, if your dog passes out or you think, you know, he had a stroke, stay calm and do this and check their breathing.

So she was doing that. And I was just losing my mind. Right. Yeah. Feeling like the angel of death. Yes. The angel of animal death. Yeah.

Meanwhile, it's actually just really romantic. He's so, so excited to see you. It passed out like a Victorian world. That's how special you are. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, it was kind of touching. But so now every time she takes him out, she has to tell him to stay calm.

You know, otherwise he might pass out again. Doggy meditation. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. So he got his medication adjusted and he's fine. He hasn't done it since. Oh, good.

Oh, good. So I guess that is flattering. Good, good. Yeah. Well, good job, Pugsley. Oh, there he is. Which one's the pass out one? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the white one is Gomez. Is Gomez. And is Gomez the one that passed out or Pugsley? Gomez. Oh, God, I got it. Oh, they're cute. Are they like a mix of something? Yeah, they're shit-doing piccanese.

Okay. Yeah, they're handsome little fellows. It seems like it would look funny to see one of them pass out, I will say. I'll pass out. And knowing that they're going to get back up. When you've got no skin in the game, Skyler. Well, I don't. I don't know Gomez and Pugsley.

But they look like if I'm knowing that they're okay, the pass out get back up. Yes. That always helps. Oh, in retrospect. Yes. It's really funny. But yeah, at the time. Well, thank you, Jessica.

Thanks for that wild card. Yeah, thank you guys. And give Gomez and Pudzley my love. Yes. But don't, not too much. I shall. I will. They'll be like, Skyler, Higlin, from the mark. Twain Awards?

Oh, okay. All right, thanks, Jessica. All right, thanks. All right, bye-bye. Next up, we got Abby from California. Abby. Oh, my God, hi. Hi, Skyler and me here.

How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good, good, good. Tell us about your prom experience. That's my note here. Okay, okay. So during high school, I would take a lot of pictures for high school dances.

So I'd make, like, a schedule. Like, each week would be a different high school dance. I'd take photos of, like, groups and friends and couples or whatever. And so I did this. And this was your job? All my entire high school group. This is your job. It was like a part-time, like, fun thing.

I see. Okay. Well, when you said there were different high schools and then I was thinking, like, are you not a high schooler, going to high schools, taking pictures? Right. And then I started thinking out. Are you some creepy lady that, like, just takes pictures of happy children? Yeah.

Yeah, I was just like at the park and I would offer her. See, that's what we were worried about. But basically, like, it was like my junior year and it was like my first time I could go to prom. And I finally had a boyfriend. So I thought I was going to go to prom. And he was like a senior and he went to a different school. And I thought like maybe we could go to either mine or his prom. So I kind of asked him, are we going to prom together?

And he said no. He said he wouldn't want to go with me and that like it was his last prom and he'd rather go with his friend and enjoy his senior year. But instead he'd like me to take pictures for him and his friends. Oh my God. Wow. Wow. But I didn't, I don't know. Maybe I'm like a little dumb, but I wasn't like offended.

I thought like, oh, okay. Like you want to hang out with his friends. And like I've had friends who like go to prom with like a date and they have. a bad time. So I was like, oh, maybe he just really loved his friends. Okay. More than his girlfriend, I guess. Yeah, but also, too, it's like, you're going to, you're there anyway.

Yeah, you can still hang out with your friends. I'm not quite sure. Yeah. And you are going to be there, but he's like, I want you to be over there. Right. Taking pictures. And, yeah, and just, like, be a gentleman about it and say, even if he's like, I just mainly want to be with my friends.

but I want her to take pictures to say Oh yeah I'd love you for you to come But listen would it be too much to ask if you took pictures too? Right You'd do it anyway Well and then here's the other wrinkle to this Is that they go to two different schools So there are two different proms

Yeah So he could have gone to your prom And with you And been at his prom with his friends Yeah So I'm not quite sure What his deal is But you know

If you give us his name in address, we'll go fight them. Well, and we'll tell us how did it progress from there, Abby? So it went like another month until prom happened and I show up to like the location

and I spend it was really nice. All of them are still really fun and really cool. And I'm like the only person wearing jean shorts and like a tank top and someone asks like, oh like you're not going to prom with us. And I go oh no and I go like why not? And I go well you know like he just wanted to go with you guys.

And then we're kind of shrugging it off and like I start taking pictures. And then I kind of realized everyone brought like their boyfriend or their girlfriend and like their significant other is a date. Yeah. And he's the only one that's nothing a day. Because that's exactly what you do at prom. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of the deal with prom.

Yeah. And I'm counting like the people and there's room for one more person in the car. And then by the end of it, I'm like, oh, like maybe like they're just not going to pay me like whatever. Like maybe he like wanted me to just take pictures. But they all paid me. full and like no one and like they picked me too and i usually don't get like picked or whatever so i just realized he just really wanted me to take pictures wow and there was no he didn't ever say like hey look i i i know everyone's like he just sort of you know was just dumb about no like the day of

the day of we met up at like the location we didn't like hug or kiss and like even i asked like you want to take a picture together and he was like nervous about it and like his friend had to go Give me the camera. I'll take the picture. Were you a secret girlfriend? Be honest. I don't think I was. Do you guys think I was a secret girlfriend?

He's moving like your secret. Yeah, but if all his friends were like, hey, aren't you coming? Why are you in jean shorts? Aren't you getting, you know? But maybe, oh, so I'm thinking of secret from parents is what I'm thinking. Oh. Because that if she's there and you're taking pictures together and the parents are maybe not the type of parents that want him. to go to prom with a nice lady

and due to whatever reasons, then I don't know, that's the only explanation I can figure out. Or he just really wanted to dump you and could not say anything. Yeah, what happened afterwards? That's the funny part. We dated for three months after.

Wow. Well, three months, you can fake. Yeah, you can fake three months. And that means, you know, off to college too, right? Right, I bet. Yeah. Well, his parents weren't there either, but I guess Yeah, that's really what it was. I don't know.

Well, I hope that, you know, you read the signals better now. I mean, not to rub salt in the wound, but, you know. Yeah, well, hit me up and we can go to a prom and we'll just go somewhere and we'll dress up. And it will be very inappropriate that we're there because I'm almost 30. But we'll go. We'll go. I have enough money to rent a limo now. Let's go.

The sad part is I was like oh whatever I'll just go next year and then next year was COVID So I never actually got to the problem So your senior year was COVID? Yeah That's awful Oh no that son of a bitch Did you do any Zoom prom situation or did they not even try

People tried and they were like Oh everyone clicked this link on Discord And I was just like no That seems really sad That seems really sad dancing in their own green screen boxes. Oh, man. Oh, my heart breaks for the kids that were

exactly that age. Well, Abby, I hope that your love life is more equitable now, you know. I hope the fellas are treating you better than that cad. It's much better. I don't think I was that. I think I'm less young and less dumb now, but

that's okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, you, I think you handled yourself just fine and you were You are the winner in this situation, I think. The classy one. And continue doing your photography. Don't let that stop you. Yes.

Keep taking pictures of children. Of children, always. Keep invading school events to take photos. Yeah, take, I didn't get to have a problem. Ma'am, you can't be here. I didn't get to have this experience. Yes, I can. All right, Abby.

I'll keep counting out like the carpool, see who I can join. That's right. That's right. There's an extra seat. There's an extra seat. I can go. I can get in there.

Thanks, Abby. Thanks, Abby. Thank you. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. 855-266-2-4 is our number. If you have a story about young, dumb love, Skylar Higley, and I are here with you.

You can follow Skylar at his Instagram at Skylar Higley, and that's S-K-Y-L-E-R-H-I-G-L-E-Y. You know, that always annoys me when people who have a name that could quite, because Skylar can be S-H-U-Y-L-E-R. Yeah, I hate that. That's the original Dutch, you know, version of it. Yes. But it always bothers me when people who have a very easily, you know, like, I guess, not misspell, but a name with various spelling variations.

And they just say it and they don't really specify. Yes. Well, I get the wrong spelling all the time. And in ways that I, in my mind, it's so as, K-Y-R, it's the her sound. Yeah, yeah. People spell it all kinds of ways. Of course they do.

It's interesting. But I mean, I'm okay with it. I don't like the SCH one. My friend was going over to somebody's house whose name was also Skylar, but it was spelled SCH. And he was like, do you want to come and watch the Super Bowl? Because we just had that. And I saw that his name was Skylar with SCH, and I was like, no.

Wow. That I truly, I just don't want to deal with that. You have to be the only Schuyler. It's not that I have to. It's that I barely wanted to go out anyway. and when you're looking for a reason, I was like, he spells his name weird. I'm not going to that.

That's like the lamest version of that, what is it, Outlander or whatever that? Oh, yeah, Highlander. Highlander. There can be only one. There can only be one, Skyler. Why? Just because I don't like the spelling.

I don't like the way he spells his name. No, I'm not going to kill him with a sword or anything. No, I just don't want to go to the party. So, yeah, follow Skyler at Skyler Higley to find his tour dates and clips. Next up, Greg from Rhode Island He's got another wild card Sorry for the wild card Oh, don't be sorry

You'll be sorry, Skyler Do you hit the button every time someone says wild card? I think you just answered your own question Great So hit us with it, Greg So I had kind of a weird first job As a teenager, I was basically kind of a professional NARC.

Oh my God. What does that mean? Yeah. I worked for our local tobacco coalition. So what they would do is they put a couple of us kids in a car, drive us around to like gas stations, convenience stores, and we try to buy cigarettes. Wow. Oh. How much did that pay?

Yeah. Probably minimum wage, but it was a needy job. And if you got the cigarettes, did you get to keep them? No, they kept the cigarettes. and then they'd fill out of form and then they'd use it to like find them and eventually take away places, license. Oh. Wow. Okay.

I'm of mixed feelings about this, but all right. You know what? I'm not. I thought like, well, anyway, so does it go, is there more to the story? Well, it just got kind of weird sometimes. Like, I was a scrawny kid, and they kind of do, like, I wasn't going in there with, like, to buy cigarettes.

Right. So they might, like, chase us out of the store, or they'd kind of try to take pictures of us or take pictures of the car license plate. So eventually it gets to the point where also part of the process too was like the adult would go in after if we bought the cigarettes, tell them, hey, we busted you, and then they'd get really mad and come after us.

So they stopped doing that. They would do it afterwards. So yeah, it was just, it was an odd job. It wasn't very well organized. Yeah. Doesn't sound very well organized. Well, and also, too, like, who the fuck are the people that are that worried about it?

I mean, are they, is it? the government agency? Is it just some sort of like, some concerned citizens? You were hanging out with a bunch of squares that were adults that were like, we got to make sure no kids get cigarettes. Right. Should kids have cigarettes? No. Yeah.

But if you are a kid and you acquire a cigarette, I think you should be able to keep it. Yeah. And I mean, you know, kids don't smoke. What did those people have against cancer? Right. It's, no, it's, look, it's bad. Here's what I believe. I believe in the ingenuity of the human species.

spirit. And I think that if you can accomplish something and set a goal and accomplish it and where are you from, Greg? You're from Rhode Island? Come on. Give those kids a cigarette. It's Rhode Island. Not a lot, but like one every once in a while. Yeah. Yeah. Well, speaking of accomplishments, so like since I was a scrawny kid, like they never wanted to sell to me. And like I did this with my cousin who was like a foot taller than me and looked like 30 and they would always sell to him. So I was like, God damn it. I've got to like buy cigarettes at least one. once. So finally, I like needleed a kid into it. I got into a gas station and he's like, he asked how old I was and we weren't supposed to lie about our ages. So I was like,

I'm almost 18 and I was like, come on man, I really need cigarettes. He's like, hold on. So he waited to the store, emptied out. He eventually sold me the cigarettes. And then I busted him. I was so excited. I came in like running out of the store. So then it's not really bad after. I was like, oh, this is probably like lost his like summer job. I felt proud. Yeah. I was just thinking like this job is just bad. feelings one after the other because first there's a nervousness about being involved in a sting operation and then there's the bad feelings of them being caught in it and then there's the guilt of possibly someone losing their job and it just sounds like a bummer yeah it's a bummer yeah i think the problem

not not as big a bummer as cancer i guess no it's not it's i think the biggest problem is cigarettes yes that's what we should get rid of those but the people who are just also i'm I'm picturing, like, if somebody seems old, if your friend who seems like he looks 30 and they don't check, yeah, you're technically supposed to check. But is that being like selling to a minor specifically, or is that just I'm being lazy at my job? You know what I mean?

I'm not checking. Yeah, they're the same thing. They're the same thing. I guess it's the same thing. It all comes out. My platform is universal. cigarettes. That's my official position.

Vote for me, Skyler Higley for mayor. He's launching his career here. What an auspicious place to do it. All right, well, Greg, thank you so much. Thank you guys. Have you ever smoked? No, I've actually never smoked. Well, there you go. I've never smoked either. I don't believe

in it. I smoke for a number of years. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. All right. The cigarettes, I loved them. Yeah, loved them. Do you think I would like them? For everyone. No, you probably wouldn't. Okay.

You probably wouldn't. And I would not guarantee, I would not recommend it to anyone. Okay. It's because it is, it's a, there's certainly, like, they're an addictive substance and you obviously, they obviously have some appeal. Right. You know, because they, people do have the, smoke them, but they stink so bad. And then it's just like an extra sort of burden that you put on yourself of like,

fuck now I got a yeah now I got to you know now I'm going to be bothered by this thing that I have this urge to do and that I don't want to do so I've just invited like an argument into my brain every day oh you know yeah yeah I mean I mean not worth it look I've been watching bad men it looks fun but what do I know I'm in the pocket of big tobacco listen I there was cigarettes were it in the days when you could smoke in a bar like I swear going out and having drinks for a night the main thing for me was the binge smoking. Like just to be able sit and just smoke and smoke and smoke. And I mean, end up, you know, some night like smoking a pack of cigarettes.

Like, you know, from whatever, 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. Right. Just constant smoking. And then just, it's amazing to me because now if somebody lights a cigarette a block away. Yeah. I'm like, send them to jail. Somebody smoking. Send them to jail.

I can smell that. And I must have been. just like a walking ash tray at the time. Well, Greg, thank you for your work. Thanks, Greg. Thank you for your diligence. All right. See you later.

Next up, Sarah from California. Sarah, what's up? Hello, how are you guys? We're good. Hi, Sarah. We're good. Have you got a young, dumb love story for us? More so young.

I don't know about dumb, but yes, I do. Well, we'll tell you that. That's one thing we're pretty good. good at is judging dumb. Absolutely. All right. My boyfriend and I, we are still together. But we met during the pandemic.

Yeah. And we met on Among Us that like mobile games. You met on the game with everybody. Do you remember Among Us, Andy? I don't know what that is. Oh gosh. Among Us is a game where you, well, I'll let Sarah describe it. But you find who's the traitor and you kill each other basically.

Oh. So it's like traitors, but in an avatar form. And so you saw the red guy and you were like, ooh, that red guy is so sexy. Let's talk. And the fact is we barely even talked that much in the chat. We kind of just were like, okay. But anyway, the funny part about it is after we had like talked and kind of got to know each other, we found out that we had been to two of the same concerts before we.

we had even met each other. Wow. So we had been in, like, close proximity a handful of times. Yeah, yeah. And were you not geographically close? No, still in California, but we were hours apart. Oh, wow. And when you say, when you started chatting, where was that chatting happening?

Was it happening within the game or were you actually, like, texting or emailing or something? After, like, the initial game, we moved to, like, social media and we were texting and things, like that. So we did branch away from Among Us, not just centralized on the app. Yeah, yeah. Well, here's my question. Having played among us one time,

you can't. And not getting laid from it. I didn't. I was trying. I kept going up to people in the chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to bang? Do you want a bang? Do you want a bang? Yeah, yeah. And they were like, this guy, I don't think is the imposter, but I want him out of here, so let's kill him. Um, but you, you, there's not

really any sense of, who a person really is in that game. Correct. There's not profile a picture information in any way. So I'm just wondering what intrigues you about this person. Is it the way they're moving across the game board? Is it the way they murder people secretly? Like, how is this becoming anything?

Honestly, I think it was just because it was like quarantine and everyone was just alone and lacking. social interaction. And so everyone was just kind of like, hey, let's be friends. Here's my information. Let's talk outside, you know? But,

um, hey, yeah, you know, if you're the imposter, you just got brownie porn. He was just caught in your wide net that you were cast. So you were talking to a lot,

you were doing a lot of, uh, of among us if you'd catch my drift. I wasn't, I wasn't doing like among us dating. It was worse. I was just again, like, it was like,

I would play, I, I would play this game with my friends. Like, we would be yelling at each other for the code and things like that. It was just kind of one of the only social outlets at the time because we weren't allowed to leave our house. Yeah, yeah. Well, so, and you're still together? Yes, we are.

Yeah, we've known each other. Oh, my gosh, since for six, but we've been dating for like four now. Oh, nice. That's really nice. I guess you have to appreciate Dr. Fauci for manufacturing that fake pandemic. Thanks, Dr. Fauci. Yes, absolutely. Thank you, Chinese Communist Party.

Yep. Oh, got to have those back. Yep. You're one of the many relationships that was spawned by wet markets. Yeah. I actually, my relationship, we started dating in the pandemic because, you know, we didn't have anything else to do. Right, right.

That's just kind of what happens. Wow, it's so romantic when you put it like that. No, but it's like, it's true. We're just kind of casually dating. Yeah. And then it was pandemic and we didn't have anybody else to see. and then it became serious because there was nothing else going on.

I don't know if it would have, based on how busy I was, I don't know if it would have become as serious as quickly without, you know, everything's shutting down. Right, right. Just like, all right, so what are you doing? No, that's good.

Still romance. Yeah, yeah. Still romantic. Yeah, it's, you know, it's probably the only good thing about COVID. Yeah. You know. All right, Sarah, thank you so much.

Absolutely. Thank you guys. All right. Next up. Oh, this is exciting. We got a call from Iceland. Dustin, hello. You got Skyler and me. I'm Andy. How are you? How are you doing? Good, good. You're in Iceland. Yeah, I'm in Iceland by way of Texas. Even though I tell people I'm from Texas, not of it. Right. Of course. No, I understand.

So what, I mean, just as shortly, why are you in Iceland right now? Do you live in Iceland? Oh, yeah. I've lived in Europe for like 15 years. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. So this is like my ninth country? Oh, wow.

And is that, are you just a serial country liver? Or is there, or does your job move you around? Or is this just sort of your plan to be a bit of a vagabond? Yeah, or are you on the run for something? I was, I wasn't even going there. It might be that last part. Actually, I just, I'm, I'm one of, I, I'm seriously not able to pick a place to call home. I see.

But also I have a job that makes it easy to move around. So it kind of works with my like, yeah, it's like I have like OCD about places. Yeah. Well, and how long have you been in Iceland and how long are you going to be there? A little over a year. and I am probably going to be gone in the next six months. Wow. Oh, man.

What a cowboy. Iceland can't measure up. Yeah. You're a real troubadour. Yeah, you're a real heartbreaker, aren't you? All right. I think it was probably way more wincical when I was, like, in my early 30s, but it's getting weird now that I'm at my 40s.

Like, I need to take a place to stay somewhere. There's that man from nowhere. That's right. Yeah, you know, like an adventurous heart just turns into shiftless as you get old. Yeah. That's someone that's from all over. Tell us, tell us about your young, dumb, love story there, Dustin. Yeah, so I grew up in Texas, super conservative, evangelical Christian town. I think my city has more churches per capita than anywhere in the United States or somewhere close.

Like you can hit one Baptist church Like with a rock from across the street From another one I mean I'm from Salt Lake City so our churches per capita My rival yours but go ahead Yeah Well but you understand No I get it yeah it's every block

That sets the scene Sure so it's like your entire Social interaction growing up It's just it's like youth group And church on Sundays It's very Jesusy And it's inescapable And so like

That's how like And granted, most youth groups were like just, it was a way to be way for your parents and for everybody to try to touch each other's butts. Yeah. So it's late. But it's, you know, it's still, but anyway, so I met a girl that I really liked and she really liked me. And y'all touch butts? Which was crazy because, oh, no. Oh, Jesus.

Because if you touch butts, y'all go into hell. That's probably what the youth group guy sounded like. Oh, that ship is sailed. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Sorry. But, but yeah, it was, but it was, like, I just, I was so, like, impossible awkward then that anybody liked me at all was like, wow.

And so when I was 17, I was leaving for the Marine Corps, like, in a year. And we liked each other. And we kind of, like, kind of half-assed, dating but before that even happened like she had to know that I was super dedicated to Jesus stuff and that I was a Christian and I like that that was done like I had already had my like existential Christ at 15 and I was way way out of the like I was like no but I couldn't tell anybody that I wouldn't have any friends right right so I just I lied to her I was like yeah yeah sure he's the best yeah I love him I love Jesus yeah how can you not

fucking Nazarene. He's, he's awesome, man. He's got some cool stuff going on. Yeah, he's a homie. Yeah. And so I went and I did my, I did my time,

but he dated long distance for the entire time, which was miserable and stupid. You know, like I had like that period between 18 to my early 20s where I should have been and I had fun

and frankly she should have been too. Yeah. We were like, you know, a piny from each other and I was like running up. I'm old now. Sorry. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't like a big topic of discussion, but it was like a thing.

Her family was very, yeah. She needed to lay down that bedrock before, yeah. Now, is that before you leave, is it in any way consummated even in, you know, like not necessarily coitus? We talk about dry humping. Did you dry hump? No, it was super chaste before then. Oh, wow. I don't even know what you do it.

Like when I, well, so I went to boot camp and I came back and for that, like, I did like a month of recruiting duty. Like you either get sent to your first duty station or you go back to your hometown and you get to hang around for a month, which was cool for me because I got to graduate high school early. Or I thought it was cool then. I think it's kind of lame now. But I graduated high school early. I went to boot camp and I came back just in time for a little bit of the school year to be left. over. So, like, I went from this kind of, like, dumpy, kind of oily, weird kid to being, like,

a weird kid that wasn't dumpy anymore and had a uniform. And it was, like, walking around all of my high school, like, I was taught shit. Like, people were going to college. And I, and I joined the military. I don't think I realized that that was a little bit lame. Yeah. But anyways, so we, yeah, that was, like, we had, like, our first really awful

sloppy kiss. Like, like, on my month back. don't teach you that at the book? And then I went off and. Light up, boys. Time to learn how to smooch. Come on, maggots. All right, it's all right.

I mean, I feel like it would be a much more form of a place if they did make that a thing. They could probably make better Marines. Yeah, yeah. But so I got, I got back and, like, we got married, like, a year later. Oh, my gosh. And again, I just, yeah, yeah.

and it still wasn't a problem I kind of just fake it you know and but we moved she went to graduate school on the West Coast and so we moved thankfully and it just like we it just got like the gulfs

between what I could fake and what I could deal with was like getting bigger and bigger and we had other problems too right we didn't know each other we briefly knew each other in high school and through youth group otherwise we had no concept of each other as people. Wow. And we weren't people yet because we were children. Yeah.

And so like we moved to another state together and like we were so poor and I was terrible at having a job. Like I sucked and she was a, she was in graduate school. And so I was like just doing anything I could to make ends of me and we were like we were tithing no matter how poor we were. Wow. Yes, that's a big, that's a thing. What you doing?

10%? How much time? Yeah, 10%. Yeah, that's the deal. Yeah, that's what you give to your agent to get you into heaven. Yeah, and so, but it went beyond that. Like, to be fair, we had a very nice church, very nice people. But like, she wanted me to get involved.

So I was like, like, I was doing, I was like doing the good news on Sundays talking to our congregation about. about missionaries and the work they were doing. And I hated missionaries. Like, just like, what they were doing, like, it's more weird colonialism. Yeah, yeah. And so I was like, you know, so I was up there like, like, trying to like, like, you know, doing. I was talking like a preacher and then I was praying at the end of it with everybody. And then we would go and do, like, we would go to the pastor's house on like Wednesdays and have dinner with them and do.

more prayer group, I was dying. Yeah. And but eventually I just like had to stop. And I told her, I was like, dude, like, this has never been a thing. But she wasn't stupid. She was a graduate student. She was like, I know. Yeah.

Oh, wow. So she knew you were faking. Well, I mean, it was, I wasn't that good of an actor. And we just, like, our relationship was already just like increasingly becoming a disaster. But also, like, like, fair to her. Like, she, like, was exposed to West. coast like normal people they know like out of that sphere

of like evangelical influence like you know like she vastly expanded her personal belief system oh that's good like graduate school to you yeah yeah graduate school can do it

yeah but it was just like that was the weirdest I don't even know if that was the long game I just don't know what I was doing it just I made a really a really formative decision as a child, and it lasted until I was 28 when we divorced. Yeah, wow. And thank Christ.

Like, I'm sure she has a much better life. All that, yeah, all that was a. That suppression of your actual self made you into a global drifter. Right. That was, that was the, that was the slingshot pulling way, way back. And then you're like, ping, ping, ping. Belgium, France, Germany. I hate all of these.

Gotta keep going. I've way over corrected. I've got to fix that because, again, in my 40s. But yeah, that was like the, that was a really, that was super dumb. Yeah. And I don't suggest other people do that thing. Yep, yep. All right, kids, you heard it from Dustin.

Don't get married. Ever. Don't be married. Ever. It's bad. Travel the world. Stere clearer of that fellow Jesus. Yeah.

Never find a home. We got to go. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you guys. Bye, bye, bye now. Enjoy the rest of the world and not America. All right. Skyler.

What's up? We pick a favorite here. I got to say that the Irish accent is just so funny. I was going with Irish accents too. It's so funny. I find it hilarious he didn't talk about it afterwards. The whole thing is just so like so indicative of how silly people can be. I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to try this Irish accent. I'm going to be from Ireland. I'm going to do a Liam Neeson imitation and it's going to make her nuts. Yeah. And then to and then be like, I can't. I can't do it around my parents. I can't sustain this. And then to drop it and go, oh, I just won't pick it back up and we'll see if she says anything.

I do feel like in. this narrative we have left in her life we've left money on the table by not asking about it because I want to know what he would say yeah you know like oh I I don't know if he would go back into it and be like what do you talk would he gaslight her and be like I never had lucky charms yeah yeah I don't know I want to know what is his perspective is all right well that's uh that's it for the Andy Richter call and Schuyler Higley thank you so much once again uh Instagram at Skyler Higley for tour dates and the Oscars are next month.

Yeah. Watch it. You'll see some of his work. We're going to be off on this show for the next three weeks because I will be away on the Dancing with the Stars Tour. But as always, feel free

to leave us a voicemail at 855-266-2604 or fill out to Google Form in my social bio with your wildcards or questions or just anything. Just, you know, if you want to reach out as like a lonely voice in the night. Just call us and leave us a message. And I'll see you guys in about a month.

Love y'all. Bye. Bye, everybody.