The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Sona Movsesian: Dating Disasters (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: July 19, 2024

Sona Movsesian joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk about DATING DISASTERS! In this third episode of Andy’s new weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories from callers about issues with Chinese toilets, following up on a date from jail, catfishing a bad boyfriend, a guy who peed his pants on a date, a TRULY shocking date with a devil worshipper, getting lucky with Craigslist Missed Connections, and the age-old question: “Does watching a guy play video games count as a date?”Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Thanks for tuning in. I'm Andy Richter and this is the Andy Richter Collins show. With Sona Coffin DJ, uh, I'm obsessed. Now we were, we were talking because in the Conan studio where we normally do our respective, uh, talk or podcasts, there's no cough button and here there's a cough button for which people who don't know it's a button that you push when you have to cough and it turns your mic off. So you go,

That's so cool. it's a button that you push when you have to cough and it turns your mic off so you go cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough That's so cool. So cool. See that was just riding the cough button there up and down. I cough a lot. I'm a big throat clearer. Well lay off the bong.

Jesus, you're old now. But I got a wake and bacon. Oh my God. No wonder your children are gonna be a mess. I have kids? Oh my god, you forgot. They're twins. Oh no.

They're like three. I gotta lay off the bomb. Oh my god. I put the turkey in the tub. Well thank you so much for coming in and doing this show. Andy, anytime I get to hang out with you, I'll do it. All right, wow, so I know who to call when I go to jail. Oh, I'm busy that day.

Actually that day I'm busy. All right, all right. No, but I love hanging out with you, I love talking to you. Thank you, me too. I'm excited to do this. And this, we're talking today, we're soliciting calls from people, and you know, the idea of this show,

which it's still kinda half-baked, I don't know exactly what it is, sorry folks. This is your captain speaking, we may crash. Oh! Oh! But it's just, you know, I wanna solicit kind of fun conversation from people, you know, just sort of different sort of topics.

And today we're doing dating disasters, which I feel like you probably have some good ones. I do, I do. I actually, you know, I was a serial dater before I met Tak, my husband. I do, I know that. I just loved, I loved dating. And I used to date a lot and it was fun.

And I actually, I've, the four, I can't say I've had a lot of disasters, but the four worst dates that I've gone on were with the same person. What? Yeah. Why? How does it happen?

Because I'm so stupid. Oh, that is true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that after a point, it is true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that after a point, it just was like, let's see how bad this shipwreck can get. Wow.

Yeah, it was. So it was like morbid fascination? Yeah, the first date I was like, oh, maybe, you know, he just wasn't on his A game, let me give him another chance. And the second one I was like, oh, God, this guy sucks. But then I was like, but he's cute and he's kind of fun.

So let me do it one more time. And then by the fourth date, I had such contempt for him. Wow. And I was so verbal about it. Yeah, yeah. And I think at that point- It was by the fourth date or the third date? By the fourth, by the third date it was growing.

By the fourth date, I just legitimately- Did that make the sex better? Yes! See? It's amazing how hatred can fuel the libido. We still have sex. No. God.

No, but I mean, how did you meet this guy? So he and I played a, I don't wanna give up too much because I don't wanna hurt his feelings. You did some sort of. But we had an activity that we both shared. And it was like an extracurricular activity and we met through, I always thought he was cute and he came and talked to me once

and I was like, oh wow, the guy that I thought was cute came and talked to me. And then he invited me to his house after the activity we do just to hang out. And I thought, we'll watch TV, we'll just maybe go get some food. And then I went there and I sat next to him as he was playing a video game.

Like, I came to his house and he almost was, it almost was like he forgot that he invited me. And then he made me- Are you calling that the first date? I would say that, that to me was the first date. Right, right. Even though it's not really, but it was the first time we were supposed

to hang out together. Right. And he's like, I just need to finish this, like this level or whatever he was playing. And so he takes me to his room and then he makes me sit on this chair next to him. And then he puts on headphones and then he just focuses on the game for,

and I hate to admit, it was like for 45 minutes. I was just sitting there, complete silence, because he had his headphones in. I had no idea what was going on in the game. It was so complicated. Is he playing with other people? Yes! Wow.

Yes! Wow! Yes! I know! And then it just got to a point where I just, you know, casually just, I was like, I gotta go. You know, I was mouthing, I just, I have to go. Yeah, yeah.

And he was like, okay, bye. And he didn't take off his headphones, he didn't pause the game, I just walked out of his apartment. And it was really, it was embarrassing. Now is he really, really handsome? He's, he was, yeah, he was. Yeah. Not, not that.

Like, cause that's, that's what like a really good looking person does. Yeah. You know what I mean? He was, and his, his apartment was so disgusting too, that that alone would have, should have been a turn off. I mean, it was like, there were plates in there that could have been there for days. Yeah,, it was like, there were plates in there

that could have been there for days, cups, and like, you know, everything was out. I don't even know, like, the last time he may have made his bed. And I'm not a neat person, I don't care. But I was absolutely disgusted to stepping foot into his place. So what made you go for number two?

So now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm like, why did I even do it? The second time he came and he was like, I want to take you on a proper date. And I thought, OK. And there was no apology for how I said. No apology. Wow.

That's his MO2, I realize. No accountability and no apologies. Well, it works when you're running for president. It does. It was. Yeah, yeah. It was Donald Trump. Wow! My headphones fell off. So, yeah, the second date, I picked him up

because he didn't have a car. Oh, wow. It gets better. It's better. I know, but I'm like, oh okay cars are expensive, he maybe walks everywhere. I'm not gonna fall. You're so nice. It's too nice. I mean just, I'm just amazed at like so often and throughout my life by just the charity of women. Like just but just the charity of women like just just how women are just like they just want to I

Mean generally speaking. Yeah, there is a capacity for love and kindness and women that is almost that like is like maybe They're you know There's maybe 10% of that in men because I just there's so much of that. I just feel like I Mean, and it's you know, it's all keyed into self-loathing, but there's so much of just like, how do women fuck men? You know, like there's just like so much of men are just gross and stupid and boring, but women are just like, no, it's okay. I'm gonna stick up for your gender first.

Okay, all right. I do think, you know, first of all, I do think for women, there's a lot of, I can fix him. Yeah. You know, there's like, this guy was like, I can work with this. Right. There's other redeeming qualities about him

that I can work with. He was fun, we had a lot in common. Yeah. So I just thought, okay, he's young, I'm kinda young. Although we weren't, he was like late 20s. I was early 30s, I think we had a little bit of an age gap. But it was- Craig Robin.

I know. Trying, you know, early Cougar. Yeah. Young Cougar. Yeah, yeah. But it was, I do think, but then when you do meet a guy, like I met Tak years later, I met Tak and Tak had a shit together.

And I thought, okay, I don't have to fix them. I could just get the model that's already good to go. My wife, it was like same thing. I was like, oh shit, I just found a grownup. Yes. Wowee, you know? And it's really, And it's also incredibly attractive to meet someone who doesn't really need ya. Yes.

You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. It's like, oh wow, you know, I'm just an added bonus to this person's life. So that's really nice, you know? And I think, yeah, for me I had to go through all that to get to the point where my standards were so low. And then I actually, this is really sad, when I met Tak, I got to a point where people would be like, so how is it?

I was like, well, I like him, and he actually likes me back, and he told me he does. You know? Cause at that point, I hadn't had that level of honesty with a lot of guys. Yeah, like dumb, like, oh, I better withhold this information stuff.

Yeah. So dumb. I know. I know. Well, so what I just, because I want to get to the callers, but like, what, when you got to the contemptuous fourth date, Yes. Like, did it end ugly?

Oh, it ended so ugly. Wow. I think that like, you know, he took me to a movie, and then I can't remember, something happened. He bought you a ticket for a different movie. And went for it. Well, he's like, well I bought tickets for the movie, can you buy, and this was a through line for us,

was I was spending so much money on these dates. But he would be like, well I bought the tickets for the movies, like maybe we should, you could pay for dinner. And dinner was always like four times more expensive. Of course. And you know, I'm also not the kind of woman tickets for the movies, like maybe we should go, you could pay for dinner and dinner was always like four times more expensive. And you know, I'm also not the kind of woman who's just like, guys better pay for me.

But also if we're gonna go Dutch, let's kind of split it. But it was like the fourth date was just all these other things that were coming up when we were talking, I realized I really just didn't like him as a person. And I just, I looked at him and I was like, I really have to stop dating guys like you. And I just left the date. Yeah.

And it was, I don't know. Was this after the movie or? This was after the movie. Oh, okay. After the movie. And I think that we, then I hate to admit this, we tried fooling around and we had no chemistry. And then he would say things that were kind of insulting to me during that and um that's a good time to

I'm gonna stop dating guys like you and I just got up and I left well and I and then he I forgot my pants Pants. I walked out of their pants list. I didn't mean my pants. All right, let's go to the calls. I guess we can, maybe we can help people. Okay. You know, I don't know, it's a possibility.

You sound so confident. And when you're gonna offer help to people. Well, because if this is, if they're just describing past trauma that's, you know, well behind them, I don't know what I mean, well because if this is, if they're just describing past trauma that's well behind them, I don't know what we're gonna do. Laugh at them? Oh, there you go. Hey Owen, hello Owen.

Yeah, hi. How are ya? Hi. Calling us from Los Angeles. How you doing all right? Local call? Yeah. All right, well, Sonus.

Nice local call, not long distance, that's it. Sonus here. Hi, Owen. Hi, Owen. So tell us about your dating disaster. So it's really up to you how much you want to call this a disaster or not. But I would say it is memorable. So I was teaching English in China.

Yeah, I was teaching English in China. So I go over to China and teaching English in China. Yeah, I was teaching English in China. So I go over to China and I'm teaching English over there and I go on a second date with this girl and she invites me over to her house. So I'm like, oh, well, all right, maybe this isn't gonna work out. So she invites me over and we get in and she goes, she's like, you stay in the bedroom and I'll be right out

and I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm like, okay, cool. And she goes to the shower. This is like right in the door. She sends you right to the I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm like, okay, cool. And she goes to you. She goes take a shower. This is like right in the door. She sends you right to the bedroom from coming in the front door. Yeah.

Yes, yes. She's like, my roommates aren't here, like let's do this. And I was like, be tuned. This is amazing. This is the other half of my life. So I'm like, wow, this is going great. She goes to the bathroom.

I hear like, you know, she takes a shower. I hear the toilet flush. I hear they're gonna water running all sorts of stuff like okay cool She comes out she goes maybe you should go take a shower. I'm like, okay Yeah, and so hey I go into the I go into the bathroom and for for reference. This is a this is a Chinese Bathroom so it's like the door closes, the whole room becomes sort of a shower and there's like a squat toilet in it. Yeah. And so like, yeah.

You know these toilets, Andy? I do. Oh, okay. It's like a hole in the floor. It's like a- Oh! Kind of. It's like a porcelain hole in the floor

with like some grips on either side for your feet. Yeah, there's like two, I saw them, I've seen them in Japan and also in Italy. It's basically like a little basin built into the floor. Okay. And there's two places where you put your feet and then a hole that you just shit into. Okay.

And yeah. Yeah. I've always been, well, A, I don't have good knees. So I'm all, and then I I so like I just I cuz one time when we were in Japan Touring a place and we went to like some temple and it's like and I really had to use the bathroom and It's like oh, it's right over there, and it was one of those and I was just like yeah I cannot because and also I just don't know how you don't shit on your pants Yeah, what if you miss the hole? What if you I just don't know how you don't shit on your pants. Yeah.

What if you miss the hole? Like what if you can't do it? There's usually a hose. Oh, okay. I've heard of these holes. There's a lot of balance involved in the hose. Yeah. So, oh, and anyway, so sorry,

we took a little plumbing detour there. A poopy-poopy detour. Yeah, no, this is all gonna come into play in the story. So, I'm like, okay, well, you know, so I use the toilet, I take a shower, I use the toilet, I do all this stuff, I'm naked in this room. You poop in the toilet? I pooped, I pooped in the squat toilet.

Okay. And I'm like, okay, and I'm wet and naked, and then I go like, okay, I just gotta flush this toilet, and I look around, and I can't find the flusher. I'm like, well, it's a toilet, right? They have to, there has to be a button or a lever or something to flush the toilet. And I'm looking around the room and there's nothing. It's just, it's just into a porcelain toilet. And I'm like, but something.

And so I'm like looking around and looking around like, I started going like, well, maybe it's something something one of these levers so I just start like turning on the sink and turning off the sink and like flipping the light switches on and off. And I'm like it's gotta be something. And I'm just like well something like there's nothing in the room. It's just the toilet, poop a bucket a cleaning like Like a toilet scrubber and like the shower head that comes off like one of those old people shower heads You can like yeah spray or whatever And I'm like, well, what am I what am I supposed to do? And I'm starting to like panic and I like take the shower head and I start spraying the toilet with with my shower head

Yeah What if I just spray the toilet with water and that doesn't do anything. And I sat there for like two minutes, just spraying a turd with a hose. Okay. So if not doing anything and like, and I, I look around like, well, there must be, and I see, I see the window to the bathroom and I'm like, well. Oh no. No.

Look out the window and I'm like, well, it's gotta go somewhere. Oh boy. And I, I grabbed the toilet scrubber and I'm like, well, maybe I can. And I start, I take the scrubber and I push it down to the toilet and I like start trying to like, start trying to like balance the turd on like a toilet scrubber. Oh my god! I get it, I get it. Well congratulations for your fiber intake, that's pretty good.

Thank you. I was, I was pretty impressed by this. Yeah, yeah. This thing, this thing's pretty good. Thank you. I was pretty impressed by this. Yeah, yeah. This thing staying so intact. I lifted it up, I bring it over to the window and I'm like, I'm holding it next to the window. And I'm like, I'm standing there, I'm like, this can't be, there's no way that people are going around

and throwing their turds out the window. This was not what Mao was talking about. This wasn't the dream for a future communist China. I remembered, I was like, no, I heard her in the bathroom. I heard the shower go on, I heard the toilet flush. I heard it. So the key is in this room. And I take the turd and I put it back in the toilet.

It's like an escape room. And I look around. Yeah, and I'm like, what is it? What is the key? And I'm like, well, I sprayed the toilet for however long, for like two minutes and no, it didn't get more water, didn't come out of the toilet. It just started filling up with water and just stayed kind of full. I was like, well, what, what do I know about the plumbing of a toilet? Nothing. But maybe

I know there has to be some kind of pressure. And so I'm like, okay, I start spraying the turd again with the shower. I'm like, okay, this is not working, but the water isn't overflowing. And I'm like, but there's a bucket. So I fill up the bucket full of water and I'm like, okay, well, if this goes wrong, the toilet is going to overflow

and there's gonna be pieces now of turds that have been broken up by a showerhead. There's gonna be pieces of turd like all over the bathroom. And if this works, it'll flush. And so what do I do? So I fill up the bucket full of water and I pour it in the toilet and it flushes. And I'm like, fuck yes. It just magically flushed?

Yeah, it's about how much pressure is in the toilet at once. No. You can do that with our toilets too. What? Yeah. If a regular American toilet isn't flushing, you can just, you can pour a bucket of water in it and it reaches a certain, it won't overflow, it'll reach a certain level and it will flush itself.

I didn't even know that. Yeah. Am I dumb for not know that. Yeah, yeah. Am I dumb for not knowing that? Is that something everyone knows? I didn't know that either. My stepfather was a plumber, so that's why I know that. Oh, okay. All right.

Oh my God. Yeah. So then- I flush the toilet. Yeah. Yeah, I go out and I see her and she's in the bedroom and she goes, this is verbatim how the conversation goes. She goes, you were in there for a while and I was like and I go I go I know and like

that's it and then it worked out okay if you want to call this a disaster or not it's up to you did you ever consider was fun. Well, I think it was. Did you ever consider just going, hey, woman, how do I flush this toilet? Not on the second date. Oh, yeah. The first date. Absolutely. But there's no way.

The second date. This was the second date. Oh, OK. But there's no way. But there's no way. If I want the other things that are going to come that evening, there is no way that I'm going to be able to go out there and ask, hey, could you help me flush the toilet? I disagree.

Oh, I agree. I agree. No, we got to let the turds enter the picture much later into the relationship. Well, I guess you guys have a different sexual menu than I do because Because it's gonna eventually come up. I mean, we know everybody poops, but also, you know, it's just not sexy. Right before sexy time to be like, hey. I know, but to just say, but if I'm laying there

waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom and they go, hey, how does the, especially knowing that you're from another land to say like, hey, how does the toilet flush? I would go, oh, fill up the bucket and dump it in there. No, I wouldn't. I guess in my head, I assume she would have to come in and be like, well, there's your turd and here's our.

Oh, oh, oh. Well, no, I would not let her in. I would say, no, no, it's just an unusual amount of urine. It's not. See, why do you feel like you need to lie? It's cause poop's not sexy, Andy. I guess. For your first time, getting it on with someone to do the,

honestly, it is, I think, the biggest nightmare a lot of people have about using the restroom at the house of someone that you're interested in, that you're dating, and then something doesn't go right, and it's always involving poop. Yes, oh yeah. Yeah, and I- Like a little pee on the floor, who cares?

Yeah, everybody pees everywhere. Yeah, yeah, you just get a towel, and you're like, oh, the sink overflowed. Normally where the pee goes is, as I understand it, but yeah. Right, right it. Yeah you just pee in the corner of the bathroom but you poop in the toilet. Alright well we got so much, this is a great call thank you so much Owen. And I'm glad that you're back here in the good old US of A where we have reliable user-friendly plumbing. Yeah no buckets buckets here. Yeah. USA, USA. Thanks Owen. Alright, I need to let everyone know you are listening to the Andy

Richter Collins show on Conan O'Brien radio. I'm Andy Richter. The show is named after me and I'm here with my friend The show is named after me. And I'm here with my friend Sona Mufsesian. We're talking about dating disasters. And let's go to another caller. We've got Ashlyn from Tennessee. Ashlyn? Hi. Hi.

Hi Ashlyn. Share your misery with us. You know that time that you were just feeling lonely and trying to make a connection with somebody and it ended up badly? Tell it to us. That's exactly what happened. So basically this was about three years ago,

it was my freshman year of college. I was at a Halloween party and a bunch of my friends from work were going and they invited me and I was like, you know what, sure, let's go. So everyone went in costumes except for me I was in khakis like nothing special. You could have been a Gap employee. Maybe yeah I was 19 at the time so it would have fit. But I met this guy you know he was I think Clark Kent was his costume and we

usually hit it off we were talking it went really well But there was just something about him I was like, I don't really know I'm not sure but he looked just like Bill Hader So I was like I I've got it. I've got to get this guy in bed. All right, so So we go on a couple days it's going. Okay He's not like the best guy. I've you know, gone on dates with but but you know, it's going fine. And after a couple of weeks, it's getting pretty serious. And then, um, we get into like a mini fight about I'm going out with my friends. She's going out with his, we didn't want to go with each other. So we're kind of, um, we're not really talking. And then, uh, that was Friday night. So over the whole weekend, he doesn't text me and he basically goes to me.

And then the following Monday, Monday, he hasn't texted me in like, you know, two days now. And I'm like, you know what, whatever it is what it is. And then I get a text from a random number and it's, um, Hey, this is someone's says mom he's in jail with a DUI charge. And I was like, Oh, okay. Um, that's really weird. And she tells me that he used his call to call her. He had my phone number memorized. And the first thing he said was, can you please text her and let her know

that I'm not ghosting her, I'm just in jail. Oh my God. Wow. Oh no. Yeah. From his mom? Yeah. His mom calls you? Yeah, I had never met her. Didn't even know anything about her. Oh no. Now what's your reaction? Cause Sona's, you know, I would,

cause my reaction would be like, oh, that's sweet. That he, that he, you know, memorized your number. Sona looks horrified. Wait till you get out of jail. And if you have a DUI, you're gonna get out of jail eventually. Right. You know, it's not like that's forever.

But he didn't want her to think that he was ghosting her. I wouldn't, I- I mean, Aspen, how did you feel about it? I mean, honestly, he did a lot. He was very patronizing, like in general as a person. So I wasn't- Classic Bill Hader. I wasn't like in love with him.

I wasn't like in love with him or anything. Yeah. So I was just like, this is, first of all, he really weirded me out that he had my phone number memorized. Cause I was like, it's been maybe a month. I just, I don't really know. Yeah.

But I was shocked that it was his mom that called me. Yeah, that is weird. Cause I don't like, I don't know my wife's phone number because of speed dial. That part isn't the weird part for me. It's that he felt so, he needed to, first of all, after two days, isn't a total ghost, if that makes sense.

At that point, you could still have an excuse. So if he got out of jail- Because you're grownups and you have lives. Yeah, well, if he got out of jail and he was like, hey, I didn't call you because I was in jail, and I'm sorry. But to call his mom and then tell his mom to call her and tell her is really weird.

What is the dynamic there, too? What's the dynamic between mom and son? Right, right. I would never do that. His wing mom. I want my boy to get some tail. So, hon, he's just believe me, he's got a drinky drivey thing.

Don't worry. Well, so, so did you go out with him again or? No, I didn't. I really didn't. Well, and just like, just like Sona mentioned earlier, he didn't have a car, which was kind of like weird. I was 19, he was like 26. I was like, why are you 26 without a car?

Yeah. And who's were you driving to get a DUI? Was it a rental? Right. Yeah. It was my car, hon. It was my car, hon. He was going to buy condoms to then call you.

Oh. It was my car, hon. It was my car, hon. He was going to buy condoms to then call you. All right, well, Ashlyn, I think you dodged a bullet, so. Yeah. Honestly, yeah. Good on ya. All right, well, thank you for calling. Thank you. Thanks, Ashlyn. Bye bye, Ashlyn.

Alex from Michigan, hello. Drinky drivey thing made me laugh. Alex from Michigan, you're here with Andy and Sona. What's up? Not much. Thanks for having me. Sure. Let us know about your romantic traumas.

And we'll help you laugh and forget. This might have been more of a disaster. This might have been more of a disaster for the other person. But when I was, I think I was about 19 or 20, That might have been more of a disaster for the other person. I think I was about 19 or 20, so pretty young, almost 20 years ago. So for context, I had caught my boyfriend on one of those hookup sites that they advertise on porn sites. Oh, no.

Horny Mills, Senior Area, one of those sites. Right, right, right. You found him on one of those sites. Right, right, right. You found him on one of those sites? I did. He had made a profile on one of those sites, which is funny because I don't think that women join those sites. I think it's all bots. Yeah.

Well, wait. How did you find that out? Was it like open on his computer? Yeah, exactly. He had been kind of pulling the closing your browser really quick thing on me. He was looking for horny old moms. He was looking for horny old no. And he talked his way out of it.

He's like, yeah, I haven't done anything, which I believe him because I think they're all bots. And he's like, I'm just curious. I won't do it again. Oh my god. I was like, okay, I will give you a second chance because I'm 20 and I'm stupid. But you know, it was probably maybe six months later. I just got to a point where I was like, I need to know if this man actually changed, which is dumb because of course he didn't.

So I set up a fake MySpace page, because this is when MySpace existed, so that I could flirt with him as another girl and see what would happen. And the funniest part to me is the fake girl's name was Betty, which I've never met a millennial named Betty. And he also, his profile didn't even have a photo. So Betty is just flirting with this empty profile. And he completely bought it like hook, line and sinker. He did not.

He absolutely bought it. Oh my God. He asked her out on a date and I was like, OK, let's go to this late night coffee shop on the other side of town. Stop. I went out and bought a bright green coat and I was like, I'll be the girl in bright green. You'll see me.

So the night of the date, I'm like on the couch, in my PJs, just chilling out. He says he's going into work, which is normal. He had like a weird work schedule at that time. He actually forgot his work ID and came back in to get it, which I think he probably thought he was just like being real quick. Oh, that's, you know what? That attention to detail is kind of admirable. Yeah, yeah.

You know? I know, right? He deserves something for coming back and keeping up the charade of, I'm going to work, gotta get my ID. He told me later he was proud of that. Oh no. Oh, come on, bro.

Wait, so then what? I need to hear how this happened. So he didn't have a car, so he's riding the bus on the other side of town. I had a car. No one has a car! Wow. I have a car. So he's riding the bus on the other side of town. I had a car. No one has a car! Wow. I had a car.

Okay. Dudes don't have cars apparently. So I drove over there way ahead of him, put my green coat on, like got myself situated in a position where like I could kind of see the door, but he couldn't see me until he got in there. So he walked in, saw me. I handed him a handwritten front and back three page breakup letter about how disappointed I am in him.

Wow. I made him read it all in front of me. And then I felt bad for him and I gave him a ride back home to the hotel. Oh my God. You gotta let him get back on the fucking bus. Alex. Yeah. We had such bad get back on the fucking bus. Alex. Yeah.

We were, we had such bad ass things up until that point. Well it's easy for us to, you know, I mean because she has really. He was so sad. Yeah, he read the letter and standing there in a fucking coffee shop. And I'm sure that people around are like getting, like you can smell that vibe, you know,

like you know something's going down. I know, but then afterwards to just not even be like, you know what, take the bus home. Wow. This awkward like, all right, I'll give you a ride. We did live together. Oh wow. So we had to live together for slightly longer

before he could move out. Wow. I'm just saying that. Oh, Alex is, oh, and you had to live with him for, how many, how long did you have to live with him? Knowing that. I don't think it was too long, like a week or two. Oh, okay.

He found somewhere to go crash. This is like a less cruel version of the show Cheaters. Yeah, I think it is actually. It's also a more interesting catfish. Yes, exactly. I think that that's, I mean. You should do private eye work now. Yeah.

Give it a shot. I mean, I think I felt bad for him because he got dumped for cheating and he didn't even get to have the fun of cheating. Oh yeah, but don't feel bad. You don't know if he cheated on you. You don't know, they have. He probably did.

Because if it's months before he's looking at these porn websites where you can meet people and then months later he's talking to Betty on MySpace. Yeah, yeah. He for sure did some shit or talked to someone. He just, yeah. No, don't feel bad for him. Fuck that guy. Yeah, goodbye.

Yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. Now, look him up on MySpace now and tell him that we said fuck that guy. Yeah. Oh, I still know him. He moved to San Francisco and became polyamorous, and he's very happy.

Oh! Oh my God, I know a polyamorous couple in San Francisco. Ooh. Yeah. Yes. They'd be fucking. They are a few there, yep. They do, I just, I think it's, I just don't want to, I've said this before, I just can't imagine

disappointing more than one person at a time. You know? Way too much work. If I'm gonna underperform, it's gonna be one on one. Alright Alex, thanks for calling. Romance. Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much.

You're listening to the Andy Richter Calling Show on the Conan O'Brien Radio. I'm Andy. This is Sona. I'm Sona. And we're going to Sheena from Alabama. Sheena. Hello. Sheena, the note I have for you is weird guy. I'm already on the edge of my seat.

Tell us about the weird guy. Yeah. All right, well, I'm gonna bring it back to the bathroom for you guys. Yes. Love it. One of my favorite rooms in the house. That in the kitchen and they're inextricably linked. It's like cops and robbers.

Maybe in this case it's really the lack of bathroom. Oh, okay. Oh no. But I went on a second date with this guy. I was recently divorced and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna get back out there. It's gonna be great. You know, I missed out on that throughout my 20s. So I was excited. He was very attractive and he invited me to an outdoor concert in town. So I brought my dog, he had a dog, they got along. And I met him out there.

He was already drinking with friends and maybe like a little too inebriated. Oh no. It's not a good start. No it's not. So I did not realize that at the time. But our dogs are out playing in a field and he looks over to me and he says,

hey, not to be weird, but would you mind if I went and used the bathroom in the field? And I thought, I guess not, like, yeah, whatever, it's fine. So he goes and he's gone for a while, like a long while, like so long I was like, should I grab his dog? Like what am I doing here? Wow. So I, he finally starts to walk back and he's fidgeting with his shorts and I'm like, what's

going on? And then I see the giant pee spot on his shorts. What? Did he forget to take his pants off? He peed himself? I honestly have no idea but it was all over his shorts. His excuse was he said he didn't shake it enough before he put a short step on it. Andy, can that happen? Not a huge spot. I mean, unless you're... Well, first of all, this guy's 30ish, right?

Yeah, early 30s. Yeah, yeah, no, that kind of, because definitely as you get older, there is some, you do have to worry about going, okay, I'm done, and then stepping away and going like, oh no, I wasn't. But just, but I'm talking about like drops. Drops.

Yeah, just like drops. Not enough for like, a person to see. Oh, not a pee stain. Not a pee stain. No, this guy pissed himself. Yeah, no, that guy just peed himself. And then he just sat in the woods probably, just being like, what has happened with my life?

Trying to dry it off with leaves or something. Wow. And did he just have to say, hey look I know you're seeing a big pee stain on my pants. Here's what happened. Or did you go, hey what happened there? Or did his, was it even acknowledged? No he, he acknowledged it first. Right. He definitely knew what had happened.

First mistake. You just gotta play that off like, yeah. Andy, no. No, come on, what's the big deal? Andy, no, no, no. We all do it. We all PRP it? We all get drunk, we all get nervous before a big date, drink too much, and then piss ourselves.

Everyone does it. Yeah, come on. It's such a normal thing to do. It is, it absolutely. You saw that episode of Friends where they did that? Yeah, it's just so easy. No, I'm just joking too, I was playing along. It's just so easy for guys to pee anywhere.

Oh, it is. And you just, all you have to do. It's one of the real benefits. And he knew he had to pee. So between him getting up to go pee and actually getting to where he was gonna pee, he couldn't hold it for just a few more seconds. Me?

The bathroom was so close to where we were. He was drunk, but also if you're drunk, I would rather just pee anywhere than pee myself. I think you have that much. So Sheena, what did you do then? You're like, let's fuck. Yeah, so probably the worst part of the story is I waited with him while the pee dried on his

shorts because I felt bad. And then he invited me out for coffee. And I went, I went, I don't know why I went because it was so gross. And all I could think about was the pee on his shorts the whole time. And then he tried to give me advice on how to walk my dog and how to train my dog. Give him advice on how to pee. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, how to pee not in your pants.

Right, right. He needs potty training. Yes. I'm potty training my kids right now and there are not three yet. Right, right. So it's almost like a grown up should know. Yeah, well he probably was just,

that was a desperate attempt to regain control. Yeah. You know, I better do some mansplaining before. I wanna retract something I said earlier when you were talking about how women are just so much better than men. I agree with you now. Yeah, see?

Like that's so kind. That's so kind. The fact that she sat there, that Sheena just sat there and waited for his pee stain to dry up. Yeah, yeah. I mean, women are so superior. And I also think too, like, if this guy, you know, like all of these things are frailties that we all,

you know, like, we've all had, I'm not gonna say we all peed our pants in front of somebody, but we all have had moments of, like, weakness or, you know, or just where things don't go right. Yes. And, but, like, you gotta have the personality, because, like, if I was on a date and some, and, you know, on a concert and like a woman went out in the woods and she came back, she's like, I peed all over myself.

If she was fun and nice and I liked her, okay, you know? Yeah. That wouldn't be a deal breaker. Again, this is the second date. Yeah. So they had a first date which probably went okay, I'm guessing, right? It went okay.

It went on a second date. We don't get like hammered and pee ourselves this early on in the dating process. That's like a third date thing. That's like at least a third date thing. Yeah. Just wait a little. And we didn't talk for a long time after that.

I never heard from him. And then like a year later, I see him out, and I have a boyfriend at the time, and he waits for my boyfriend to leave my side and then tries to come talk to me again. Oh god, pee guy. Come on man. If you'll notice my pants are dry. Yes.

You're missing out. Well Sheena, thank you so much for the call. I noticed a pee stain missing from my pants today. Someone's got dry pants and it's me. Alright, thank you Sheena. Let's go next to Mike from Dallas. Oh my god. Hello Mike. Hi Mike. Howdy. You've got Andy and Sona here and we want to hear about your heartbreak and humiliation.

We find it entertaining. It's a reoccurring theme in my life too. Alright! Yay! Gotta do what you're good at! So this was about 12 years ago. I was in film school in Los Angeles, which I kind of grew up in that area. And we were working on these student project films.

And you know how they kind of hire, well, maybe you don't know, but maybe you do know, they do hire these like kind of outside actors that kind of come in and participate in the student films and stuff like that. And so there was this, yeah, they hired this beautiful actress that came in. She was so beautiful. And I was like, at the time I was like, you know, local Hollywood kind of famous, you know, like I played in a band, I went to film school, I was the fucking cool guy, you know?

So I was like, there you go. What age are we talking about? I was 18. Okay. Okay. Wow. Yeah. And so I was like, well, you know, very conceited and 18. I was like, she probably knows who I am.

I'm gonna go talk to her. I'm gonna go talk to her. She doesn't know who I am. And she, but she agrees to go out with me. So we exchanged numbers and kind of had casual texting conversations and then we decided to meet up. And just, it was kind of bizarre because she started talking a lot about, about like a, you about like devil stuff, but you know,

Andy, you know, everyone in Hollywood is in devil stuff, so it wasn't super shocking to me to hear anything like that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We grind up kids and eat them. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Right. So it wasn't a shock to me because I'd been around that and I'd seen it.

I figured she was just into Satan stuff, but she was so beautiful I was kind of willing to you know look past her maybe I was blinding myself with her. Can I just get like a for instance like how someone casually mentioned Satan? Like is it, do you remember a specific? I do. She would talk about things like, we were eating and she was like, oh this looks like blood. Have you ever drank blood before? No.

Like at a St. Stephen ritual? No. I was like, you know what, I can't say that I have. Yeah. But did you ask her if she ever did? And did she say she did? No, we leave. I thought she was joking

because she was like that kind of clever, she was very peppy, you know, like very, I mean all her clothing was very bright. She had, you know, she didn't look like your stereotypical devil worshiper. Yeah, she was in goth and all that, yeah. Yeah, no, she looked like she was the president of the Christian club down at UCLA or something.

Wow, okay. So, you know, but she was really witty. So I thought, okay, well well this is just a witty girl and we're gonna have a good time. Gotcha. So where do we go from there? She starts, you know, just making a lot of those jokes. I don't think anything of it.

And the next day we were arranging to hang out again and I went to Tender Greens down on Sunset Boulevard when it was there and I was sitting there waiting for her for about an hour, and she was like, she never showed up. And I was like, okay, this is kind of bizarre. This is weird, you know, but you know, I didn't think anything of it. I waited like an hour and a half

because I was desperate, and then I left. Wow, an hour and a half? And I didn't hear anything from her. Yeah, yeah. And you were in a band. I know, I was the bass player though so yeah I get it I get it so so then all the next day yeah I get this call the next day from Orange County Police Department and I'm like oh my god this is probably my friend or something I said hey we have you know we have her

here for DUI. And I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I don't even know this girl. Yeah. So I got in my car and drove to Orange County to bail her out. That is really sweet. It is, I'm a sweet guy.

And she's like, you know, I pick her up, she's crying and she's talking to me about how she, you know, well, at least they didn't catch me for the murders. Oh boy. And I'm like, okay, you up, she's crying and she's talking to me about how she, you know, well, at least they didn't catch me for the murders. Oh boy. And I'm like, okay, you know, she's joking. I mean, what do you think if you pick someone up for DUI and they're like, well, at least they didn't get me for the murders. So I was like, okay, she's joking, right?

She's got to be joking. And so, you know, I take her back to, she lived in West Hollywood and I took her back there and, you know, which is quite the drive with traffic, but like you know, I take her back to she lived in West Hollywood and I took her back there and you know Which is quite the drive with traffic, but like you said Sonya, I'm a good guy. So now sorry, I'm drunk And so I was sitting there, you know, we were texting everything was kind of normal and we had plans to meet up again and I Ended up going over to her apartment and she just had like devil shit all over the place like black candles and pentagrams And like voodoo dolls just a bunch of devil shit, you know Yeah, I was like well, I'm not gonna be here for too long

So let me let me do what I need to do and you know I can get the hell out of here. So we hung out and you know things got passionate and Shortly after she started screaming at me like get the fuck out of here, you can't fucking be here, leave now. What? And that scared me. Yeah. She just flipped out and so I left

and the next day my friend who was with me over at 10 degree and he's seen pictures of her, he calls me up and he says, hey, I was just checking if you're all right, your girlfriend murdered her doorman at her apartment. No. I was just checking if you're alright, your girlfriend murdered her doorman at her apartment. No! And so she, yeah, and when she was arrested they connected her to three other murders. Wow.

No! No! And now you, and you stuck around thinking you might get some puss off of her. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I mean, who among us has not almost, has not, has not picked someone up from the, driven to Orange County, got him out of jail, take him back to their Satan's den and be like

Well, I'm out of here as soon as she gives up the puss You know do you end up I know it's always easy afterward gives up the puss. Yeah, you are mr. Roman I listen you are just such a romantic I know what I'm talking about Now did you have to end up like did you give up that pool? Give up the pool Did you did you end up having to like did the police come in and you know like yeah?

No, I had to give a full like testimony and all this stuff I had to turn over all my text messages and everything in the trial thing Yeah, well, I didn't go to court, but okay give mine Yeah, did she murder the doorman the day that you left like like hours later? Three hours later. No! Like two or three hours later. That could have been you! Oh my God! Oh my God!

She could have murdered him! Aw, you could have gotten laid and then murdered. I know, and you know what the thing is, it's like, well at least he's not a murderer. Like that's what you can say to someone when they have a bad day. Right. But like this guy.

This was a, she was a murderer. She was a murderer, this is the worst. What year was this was a she was a murder this is what yours was this Mike because I want to Google this afterwards yes what year was this this is 2012 okay that's all I mean I'm gonna look oh you're gonna you're gonna get out that's all you need you know withholds puss kills doorman. I'm gonna Google that. Well, Mike, I'm glad you're alive. And I can see why you moved to Dallas.

There's probably none of that down there. Wait, does it? I'm curious what that does to you. After you meet murderer girl, do you question every girl you meet after that? Are you like, you know? Well yeah, I was really paranoid because I was like real big into like I said the LA scene like I was you know working on all these independent films and music and then when you start seeing the Satan Girls which is pretty common in that circle that I was in

it starts to make you a little paranoid, right? It's not like No, cool goth girl anymore. You're like, she's a fucking serial killer, right? And this is a great town for serial killers. Yeah Yeah And also to you know, there's so much I don't I mean I you know, like when I grew up there was so much devil paranoia like and it's talked even about like,, you know, there was like all this. And when I was a kid, there was a whole arm of the evangelical world that was just devoted to,

you know, like flushing out Satan worship and all the music headed. And you just think, oh, that's all nonsense and horse shit. And even if you went into someone's house and they had like, ooh, I've got these creepy candles, you'd be like, oh, that's all nonsense and horse shit. And even if you went into someone's house and they had like, ooh, I've got these creepy candles, you'd be like, oh, boring. But then she backed it up. You know what, she's doing Satan Worshippers no favors.

No, I'm saying she went the whole nine yards. Oh, okay, I thought you meant, you know, there's a lot of Satan Worshippers. No, she wasn't a poser, no. There were nice people and are cool, but not all Satan worshipers murder. I think that we should, you know. She had like a full manifesto though that they had found

and I've seen some pictures online. Like she moved from Michigan and it was like her, she wanted to like be famous for murdering people in Hollywood. Like she was like a struggling actress her whole life. Classic story. And like wanted to make a name for herself. Yeah, maybe it had nothing to do with the Satan worshiping. She was like a struggling actress her whole life. Classic story. And like wanted to make a name for her. Yeah.

Maybe it had nothing to do with the Satan shipping. You get off the bus downtown and start murdering. Murder your way to fame. I don't know why she spared me, but she did. I guess the pipe was properly laid. Oh, right. Lane? Ew.

Lane? Yeah. All right, Mike. Okay, Mike. Mike, I gotta let you go on that one. I mean, I'm glad you're alive and all, but goodbye. Yeah. All right.

We got one more. We're gonna make this our last call, yes? Last call, yep. And we gotta repeat, it's Sam from Portland. I remember you, Sam. My notes say tits in Mexico, so I remember you. Oh my God, you're gonna love this one because my tits were also involved.

All right, it's a titty story. Sona loves titty. I love them tits. It's so funny because I have your name on my tits wearing my Team Sona shirt. Yay! Oh nice! That's cool! Yeah!

I like that. That's flattering. Thank you. So go ahead, Sam. Tell us. Alright, back to the dirty details. I was 19, Austin, Texas. I would frequent the bus to get home.

That means you see a lot of weird people, right? And I remember one individual who just kept staring at me. And the whole time I'm thinking, this guy is gonna write a missed connections, Craigslist article about me. And I don't know why, but I was like, I'm gonna check this out tonight. So I checked and I was looking for an article

because I guess I was so big headed at the time. You heard my story about my mom in the second episode. But yes, anyway, I noticed a different article. And there was a woman who I'm a lesbian, by the way, who posted a picture of herself and posted about being this woman on a bus and it wasn't me. And she was like like I have to meet you I I hope you see this so we can go on a date and she is so fucking hot she is incredibly attractive and I'm like assuming this person is real you know what why not YOLO right I could get murdered or I can have really great sex with this really hot person yeah go either way so I respond and I'm like I'm not the person

you're looking for but I might be the second best or the first best. Who knows? And I do take the bus. So we're halfway there. Already right? And so she was like, Oh my God, great. And you do look cute. Cause I did, we did do a catfish verification sort of thing. Anyway, so next day we meet up at the cafe. Things are going good. She's into me. I'm into her.

And then we're wrapping up and she goes, so you want to go back to my place? And I'm like, yeah, but do you drive? She goes, yes. Also, my boyfriend's going to show up in 20 minutes so we can all meet up. Oh, oh. Uh huh. Yeah, exactly. Okay.

Yeah. You know what? I thought about it and I was like, I'm young. I have not experienced a threesome in my life. This could be the opportunity, even though I know I don't like men in that way. Yeah. Let's just fucking go for it. Right. So I'm like, you know what? Let's do this. So I get to her place, we're there, we start, with a couple drinks, we get there early before he does, we're smoking some weed, and then he shows up and he's like, just standing there,

and he's looking at me, and then he looks at her, and he goes, can I talk to you privately? And so they go into the bedroom, it's a one bedroom apartment, and I can still hear them, because it's fucking, the walls are thin and he goes I didn't want a woman. I wanted a man I know and I was like, okay, so I had a debate I was like should I just fucking leave and take the goddamn bus like back home

like, should I just fucking leave and take the goddamn bus back home? And they come out because they're done with their squabble. And then she was like, okay, let's do this. And I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, do you want to do this? And I was like, you know what? I'm not even a question. Let's fucking go. So we take our clothes off. I know. I know we take our clothes off. And then he that's when he really starts to set the boundaries of like, listen, you can't touch my balls, you can't touch my penis, just don't touch me, and we should be good.

And so I was like, you know what? I'm just going to take a nap, y'all have fun. What can you touch? Yeah, I take a nap, and then I... Well, you could have just focused yourself on the wife and let him, you know. Oh, okay. Like... Yeah. Yeah, I did, but she kept saying weird things like, I hope you don't fall in love with me.

And I was just very turned off by that. So I was like, you know, you have a really nice bed. It's a foam mattress. I think I'm just going to sit here for a while and go. Oh. Yeah, and that was my date. Wow. Oh, man.

We gave it the old college try. Also I'm really- You really did. I'm amazed that a missed connection on Craigslist led to that. Yeah, yeah. Right? You know?

Right. Well that's pretty cool. Yeah, it's lemons and lemonade. I once checked the missed connections on Craigslist after I had a moment with a guy at a farmer's market years ago. Yeah. And yeah, nothing, there was nothing there. Yeah.

Right. Oh, well update. The guy from the bus that I originally checked for did actually leave a misconnections note about me. Get out. Described, he did. I checked the day after and I was like, okay. Wait, what happened?

Did you respond to him? You're like, fuck him? No. She's not into dudes. That's right. Right. But why were you checking for the misconnection? Because she thought maybe she'd get to touch some balls.

Did you want to touch balls? Yeah, just to see like, well, I just was like, what is that like? Oh, okay, you were curious. Okay, all right. I was curious. And you know, Andy knows from the tits in Mexico situation,

like my boobs betrayed me when there was a man in uniform, so I was like, let's just figure this out. Yeah, but she had a running with a border guard, and afterwards she realized her tits were out. Oh, okay. It happens. Okay. It happens.

Sam, thank you. It happens. Okay. It happens. Sam, thank you. Every Friday. You know, see if you can call us back. I hope the next topic is something you got. I appreciate the call back. Yeah, totally. Sona, you're amazing and bye. All right, thank you, Sam.

I love you too, Sam. That's so nice. Well, that's it. That's another Andy Richter call-in show in the bag. Thank you, Sona. This has been a lot of fun This was so much fun. Can I come is it embarrassing if I ask if I know it's not embarrassing at all And it would be great. I would love to have you come back

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what the next topic will be you know Well, you know, maybe some poopoo peepee stuff. I was just like it pooping poopoo peepee It's the best I didn't think poop poopoo peepee stuff. I was just thinking pooping. Poopoo peepee, it's the best! I didn't think poopoo and peepee, I thought poopoo. But you and me are in the same wavelength. My four-year-old can't stop saying poopoo. She says poopoo all the time I'll say like let's get in the car. She says okay poopoo We will be back next week with more of me and more of you and somebody else. Bye.