The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Steve Agee: High Anxiety Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: October 31, 2025

Actor and comedian Steve Agee from HBO Max's "Peacemaker" joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your HIGH ANXIETY STORIES! Plus, Andy continues on "Dancing with the Stars!"Want to call in to a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask a question.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio. Hey, everybody, Andy Richter-Calland's show. I got Steve Agee here, the delicious, the lovely, the delightful Steve Agee. Hey, Andy. I love you, Steve. Last time I saw you was in the parking lot here when I was leaving another show. Right.

And then I had to cancel on you because I had this horrible cough. Yeah, yeah. And you're still having. It's three weeks later. You're haunted by physical ail. Yesterday I was like, I should cancel again. I'm just fucking dying. Listen to me.

I've had the flu for two weeks and I can't get rid of this. I'm going to the doctor right after this to see what, because I feel fine and everything. Same here. My voice is just all fucked up. They'll give you steroids. I love steroids. I've seen four doctors in two and a half months. Every steroid, nothing has helped.

Wow. You seem very strong, though. Well, it's rage. Well, you're here. You told me this is your last stop on the peacemaker train. Yeah, this is my last obligation for a promotion, whatever you want to call it. It's good to know that you're here because it's an obligation, not out of love. No, no, save the best for life.

I would prefer Yeah, yeah To call it that Well, Peacemaker's fucking great I love it so much Thank you And I can see why James Gunn Like it's his favorite thing

Because it's so much fun And it's so weird You know Well movies also like You shoot for five months I mean those big movies Five maybe six months And then it's done

This is like Six months But you're shooting like eight Little movies Yeah Which I think He's found a lot more appealing Right. And you're in it, so that's the big thing.

That's the best part for me. That's the real, that's the real thrill for everyone. Yeah. Well, you were just telling me a story because we're going to talk about, we're having high anxiety stories here today. We were talking weed stuff because I just, well, as you mentioned, Peacemaker, I did some work with our friend Tim Meadows. Yeah. Well, here, let me give the number, 855-266-2-604 if you've got high-anxiety stories. But now we're going to talk.

So I was telling you before we started that I was doing a comedy festival in Portland and it's when the Sarah Silverman program was still on and I played as stoner along with Brian Post Saint. We were all stoners on that show. And so at this festival, which I was at for five days, every show people would bring me weed. It was Portland.

Right, right, of course. War-torn Portland. And so by the end of the week, I would put everything in my backpack. Like, I'll smoke this later. I had like two pounds of weed. and like in different forms

or just various bags of weed different forms but mostly bags of wheat it was a lot it was a full backpack and I was like well I can't fly with this

I need it probably reeks too doesn't it oh my God it smelled so good yeah I was like I can't fly with this

but there's no way I'm leaving it here in Portland of course I called a friend of mine and she flew up to Portland and rented a car

and we were like well just drive it'll be fun you know and uh one i think it's like well it was late the first the first day of driving we're we're coming down out of the siskue mountains out of ashland oregon into california and it's just a straight downhill shot pitch blackout no lights nothing is the road condition good or is it it's kind of snowing yeah yeah but we're getting to the bottom of the mountain so it's it's less and less and i am just coasting at probably 85 miles an hour right not on the gas and we just whizz right past a cop on the side of the road and he throws on his lights.

And it wasn't until I see the cop lights that I realize, I have two pounds of weed. That's not like a small infraction. That's trafficking, right, right. Bringing it over the border. And weed is not legal in California at this time. Yeah. So I like start freaking out. My friend is just like, it's going to be okay.

Everything's fine. And it was in the trunk and this cop, like, oh, that was the other part. As he's like, as we're pulling over, she's like, it's okay. she's like you were just speeding he's going to give you a ticket i go my driver's license is expired oh you fucking idiot she had been doing most of the driving but it was nighttime and snowing and she was like i don't want to drive yeah yeah i'll just get us out of the mountain i was like i have an expired license so he comes up and he's like can i see your license he goes back to the car i'm like we're fucked i'm going to fucking prison and he comes up to the uh i bet you do well in prison though

no fucking way are you kidding me fuck no although my dad was a doctor at a maximum security prison. Oh, really? Yeah. Anyway, so he comes up and he's like, your license is expired. And he was very nice. He was like, I can't let you guys drive. Even if you switch, he goes, I have to impound the car because you were driving without a license. He's like, so we'll leave the car here. They will tow it to the impound yard in, I think it was Wairika. And it all give you guys a ride to a hotel in town. He was very nice. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, okay, and we're walking back to the car, or he's doing, he's walking us one at a time. He takes me and he's walking me back to the car and I have to get in the back of the police car.

And then he gets my friend and brings her back. And we're sitting in the back and he goes, you guys want your bags for the night? And I'm just like, nope, no, we don't need them. They're in the trunk. And it, I'm sure smells like weed. Sure. And I go, no. And he's like, come on, you need your bags.

And he's like, give me your keys. And so he pops the trunk and he goes, and it's like slow motion. I'm watching him pick my backpack out of the car. He's smiling. He walks over. He puts it in the trunk of his car. And I'm like, oh, my God, we're going to pull this off. And then he goes, what about phone?

You got your phones and everything? And we're like, I'm just like, yeah, I think so. And he's like, I'll just check inside the car, the center console. And that hit me like, there's a pipe with weed in it in the center console. Jesus Christ. Because we pulled over at a rest stop. What earlier in the day, and I was passenger, so I smoked some weed. I was like, there's weed in the center console.

I'm gonna, we're fucking dead. And he comes back with my fucking phone, hands it to me. He's like, here you go. And we get to the hotel and he leaves. I immediately throw the backpack full of weed into a trash can. I'm like, I'm done. No more. I throw it away.

And I'm like, can you believe he didn't, he didn't see the weed in the center console? She goes, because when he was walking you back to the car, I took it out and I stuck in in my panties. It's like, oh, my God, you saved my life. So that was that story. That was, we weren't high at the time, but I was definitely anxious. Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Yeah, that's not good. No. That's not good. Now it would probably be fine. Yeah, yeah. You know, it is, I didn't even consider that, to say, high anxiety could be, like, weed-related or whatever related. but it is kind of good you know like there's nothing worse than like yeah let's get high and then oh shit my parents are home or whatever you know yeah um because i had it just it reminded me of

this is a different sort of high anxiety but it was when i first came out here uh to los angeles i was doing a lot this live show the real live brady bunch it was a silly show that was i remember yeah reenactment of brady bunches and but it got a lot of attention it was like it was it was a sort of like a shiny new object to lots of people. And I ended up getting an agent just out of, out of doing that show in New York, and I got an agent in New York, and then they had an affiliation with somebody out here. So I had this new agent, and it was this guy, this very weird guy, kind of handsome, but like, you know, like, I was like 90% sure it was a wig, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. And he was very, very friendly and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

And really nice, and I liked him a lot, but there was just something weird about him. And I went to a party that was being thrown by the people that ran the Brady Bunch. And there was some kind of, I don't remember whether there was mushrooms or ecstasy or something, but there was tripping going on. Yeah. You know, and somebody slipped it in my drink. I didn't take it. But whatever, I was like, and it was hot.

So it was kind of like, I was like sweaty and starting to feel this. And my agent shows up. Yeah. Like he, because he's like, he was a big fan of the Brady bunch of would come. He shows up and we're standing in the back door. And I'm like, oh, Christ, now I'm high in front of my agent. And my new agent that I want to, you know, like let him, you know, like I want him to do good for me. Yeah.

And he starts telling me, I don't know how we get on the subject, but he says, he starts telling me about how he's had at least 12 alien encounters in his life. oh my god starting from when he was a child and he came downstairs once and he saw the face of a gray in the window next to the front door come on and and he said you know and then he just recounted all these other ones and i'm standing there going oh no and then he tells me i you know i went to a psychic and uh and the psychic without it like within a minute said to me well you're a you're a walk-in and I was like what's a walk-in and he said it means someone that has an alien an alien intelligence in them that's here that's been implanted in them to study life on on earth he said and and so that's like what he's like I know that's uh that's you know I have that in me he goes and I've always felt that that I have he goes so I don't

know what the that intelligence is and I'm not completely integrated with it but I do have some kind of alien intelligence and I'm just standing there thinking this is the guy and you're high I don't even have a career yet and this guy is in charge of it and then I'm thinking like and I have to bite my tongue to say

so you're telling me an alien intelligence right with the ability to implant one of their own in a human being who's going to choose a sea list theatrical agent of Los Angeles that's that's where they're not going to go to the fucking president or you know the premiere or

whatever they're going to go to you this guy gets people commercials we got to know more about this planet and then i just was like well you know it's like it's an agent oh my god man yeah you can't be picky in those early days no you cannot you cannot and they were really great they were great they sent me out on all kinds of stuff until i booked the movie cabin boy and then after i was in cabin all they booked me for was idiots like like mentally damaged human beings that's all i ever saw after that you know until i got on the conan show and that's solid though saw how smart i was yeah i know idiots how fun was that shoot uh cabin boy was fantastic it was really fun it was really fun yeah it was uh no those those guys are hilarious those guys were fantastic speaking of high

that's a stoner movie like to the 12th degree Every band that was on Conan for years, that was like, that's our bus movie. We watch Cabin Boy. Yeah. We've seen it 35 times. Like, that was like Green Day. I think that was one of their biggest things was that I worked on that show and I was in Cabin Boy. Isn't that weird?

Yeah. It is. We've seen it a million times. Yeah. Okay. All right. Does nothing for me. Can I get free tickets to your show?

All right. Let's go to the phones. Once again, it's 855-266-2-604. Tell us about your anxiety, Ella. Ella, are you there? You got me? You got Steve Eugene. Hi.

Hi. Yes, I have a great weed story from when I was a freshman. Yes, I was a freshman in college in Iowa. And notably, to this day, weed is still extremely illegal in Iowa. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I have not started smoking until I met my friend group. So a whole group of us were out one night.

we are a mix of music majors and music educators. And that's really important because when you're an educator, if you get caught with anything that is any sort of substantial crime, you are essentially out of a career. Yeah, you're totally fucked. And so my friends and I are out. We're in my friend's car. There's five of us in the car.

And we're passing around two pipes as well as, I believe, a joint and a cartridge. So we are filling this car up. We are playing a lot of Nikki Minaj. And I've always been a huge lightweight smoker. Like, I just did not, it never took me much. And so I was always kind of a two or three hit girl and then I was done. So I am fully high. My friends are still smoking.

And I am getting kind of like nervous, kind of paranoid. I don't love being in a soft place, especially since we're in a super illegal state. But we're also having a good time. We're having fun. My friends are all smoking. And so I see this set of headlights appear behind our car. And another piece of information about my freshman year is that my freshman year roommate had a Ford Explorer, which is the same model of car as most cop cars. Oh.

So I was super familiar with those headlights and what they looked like. And so I see in the rear view the exact same headlights as my roommate's car. And immediately, I go, guys, there's a cop behind us. There's a police car behind us. We're screwed. Put the shit down. And because they know I'm anxious, because they know that it doesn't take very much for me to get high, they think I'm just paranoid.

They think I'm just like kind of ruining the vibe. And so they're like, no, no, it's totally fine. Like, it's probably just some other people smoking. It's fine. Don't worry about it. So they still pass around the shit. They keep going about three or four times. I go, guys, no, like I really think that's a police car.

we need to put it down and they're all like, no, no, it's completely fine. It's totally fine. We're not going to get in trouble. Like, take a deep breath. You're fine. So, and mind you, this entire car, we cannot barely see out the windows. It reeks. The base of the car is probably shaking it at this point because we're listening to music so loud. And this, like, car pulls out from behind us. And then all my friends are like, oh, shit, shit, shit. They're driving back. So everyone kind of puts whatever they have like in their lap, covers it with their hand all stares straight ahead because

we're all high and pretending not to be high so we don't know what else to do. Right. So we're like clearly the normal thing is not to be talking to each other to stare straight ahead and silence. Of course. And about five miles an hour, we see the city police department decal pass by all of our windows

in the car, just dead silent. nothing but the music playing. They keep going because where we were was kind of this overpass where a lot of younger kids go up to mess around and make out and whatnot. So they just ease right on past us, up the hill. We silently watch them go. None of us has moved a micro muscle in our body. And as soon as we see those lights go completely out of sight,

my roommate who I lived with then for the rest of my college career she's a lovely lovely teacher now cuts the lights on the car reverses as fast as possible drives out we drive the rest of the way back to our freshman year dorm in complete silence

and what is playing by but only by Nikki Minaj which famously starts with the little chimes that go do and that plays throughout the rest of the car ride. We had nothing else to say. I don't believe she turned the lights back on for the entire drive back. That's not suspicious. Not at all. No, not. We were so good at being nonchalant. And we barely breathe. We walk up the four flights of stairs to our friend's fourth

floor dorm room, which they had no elevator. So we had to hike the stairs. And we get into the room and all of us just gasped and start breathing as deep as we can. Like, we had come up from drowning in the sea of water. Yeah. And that was the time that all my friends were almost out of a career. Well, you did good. You guys really held it together

except for the turning off the lights thing. That was not great. No, not good. It's a little dangerous. Not our best moment. We got a lot smarter after that one. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm glad you came out of that unscathed. Congrats. Yes. Oh yeah.

Me too. Me too. We've all gone on to have pretty good career. So I'm thankful that that didn't cause a hitch. That's good. All right. Well, thank you for the call, Ella. Oh, thank you. All right. Next up, we got Jim. Jim from Baltimore. Are you there, Jim? Bimo. I am, I am here, there, wherever in Baltimore. Hello, hello. You can't, you can't see me, but there's so much handsome on this phone right now. Oh, wow. Thank you. Somebody's high. Very quickly, Steve, I love Peacemaker, but you almost got me killed by my wife because I watched the first season by myself and then decided to show my son, who's 14 ahead of the second season.

Oh, no. And I forgot about both first episodes. Yeah. We're the most awkward moments of my life. Yeah, yeah. Both were the nudie episodes. Yeah, there's a lot of dong in there. Massive orgy, yeah, full frontal for everybody.

Yeah. But so I'm a 53-year-old fellow now, but way back when I was 19, I was in college in Southern Maryland. And my buddy, Steve and I were going up to Boston for like three days to party. And this isn't specifically a weed story, but I was 19, so every story is a weed story. Sure. And we were riding on, it wasn't even ours. There was another friend Ron's CB 500 Honda motorcycle, like 15 or 16. years old at the time and just a you know barely holding together we drive up and the thing is a piece

shit and we get there and we spend three days partying and then barely sleep and decide we're going to ride home you know and baked and stupid and I'm riding he's on the back you know nuts to butts as we say in the business sure and uh and uh I'm riding and I'm fucking exhausted and I know my head I'm knot off I'm riding about my knot off and my head hits the faring, right? And I break up and I'll do that again. Oh, my God. It happens like two more times, you know, boof, and I wake up. Then it happens and I wake up and there's a puddle of drool on the inside of my face mask.

Like, I've been out long enough to start drooling. And it to collect in there. And I'm like, fuck, you know. So I poop off and I'm like, Steve, you got to, you got to fucking take over. I can't do it, right? we get back on the bike and I'm 6-3-220 at the time and on the back of this tiny little Honda

and I'm right on the back and we're going maybe five minutes and I see Steve's head nod off in front of me I'm like fuck I've never been more awake in my life and then he nods off and stays knotted off you know and I'm like on the back what do I do?

Do I wake him up? and startle him and kill us both. Yeah. Or just wait for death. And I waited it out. I'd fucking never been more frightened in my life. He finally wakes up. And we, it's a short story.

We fucking pull off, like, he's like, I can't do it. I can't do it. And we found, like, a rest stop, I think it was, and slept behind it on the ground. Just like, we pulled the bike around so the cops wouldn't see it. and slept on the ground behind this fucking restop for, I don't know, two hours. I don't know how long he was out while I was on the back. It could have been a minute.

It could have been 11 days. Do you drift in any? Like, does the bike start to drift? I mean, I've never driven a motorcycle, so. Well, it's kind of like the Coriolis effect. No, it's not that. I just want to sound scientific. No, but so, like the momentum just keeps you going straight.

Yeah. And he said, you don't lean. I didn't lean. I'm, like, I was really tense, and, you know, like, I was holding his ribs in my hands. Gentle caress. Like, if you does wake up so he doesn't fucking jerk, you know. Right, right. It's not the best way to travel.

No, it sounds terrible. And how long was your trip, door to door? Jeez, probably. Like five blocks. I mean, with a nap and stuff, probably 14 hours. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm a motorcycle. on a fucking tiny motorcycle with one backpack

that the guy in the back had to wear because we didn't have bags or anything. Jesus Christ. What a ride. Well, you made it. I don't know if I broke a rule, but yeah, I made it. I'm still kicking. And I don't know if I broke a rule here,

but this is my second time telling a story on your fabulous show. Oh, no, there's no rule at all. No rules. Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. No rules at all. Well, thanks so much, Jim.

Thanks, Jim. Thanks, Jim. Take care. Fall asleep in cars from now. on. I did that once on a drive from, I was going to school in Napa Valley and I had just finished finals and didn't want to wait one more night to drive home to Riverside, California. So I just left that night and was driving from like the Napa Valley down the five interstate five. And it was probably one or two o'clock in the morning and I fell asleep while driving my truck.

And I woke up. I think I was on cruise control. I can't remember, but I think I was on cruise control. woke up and my truck was on the side of the road, still going straight, but just like bouncing around in the fucking dirt. It was off of the cement already. It was just on the shoulder bouncing. I slammed on the brakes, stopped. And like, you know when you have like a really close call and you just have to stop the car and like let your heartbeat slow down and catch your rut? I had to do that for like a minute and a half. I was so terrified. I couldn't believe I actually fell asleep driving. The only time that happened to me once on a cross-country drive from Chicago to Los Angeles and I was by myself and I remember it was outside of Albuquerque and it was nighttime kind of rush hour, but traffic was going like 45 miles an hour, but it was crowded and I fell asleep. It could have been five seconds. It could have been a full minute. And I just, you know, and you just wake up and you're like, holy fuck. How long have I been asleep? You know, and it jolts you awake so that. you like you know i can't believe people do those drives on motorcycles do you know tom jianis

yeah yeah he's a chopper too he's got yeah the big like eight hanger handlebars uh he used to date sarah and uh apparently he like he like drove his chopper everywhere like yeah like snow he would drive it in the snow cross country like hard cord like die hard harley Harley guy yeah yeah yeah no motorcycle i always thought about for a little while when i lived in new york city i thought about Oh, a motorcycle would be fun, get out of the city and stuff. And then I just was like, I know I'm going to lay that fucking run down in a week, you know. Yep. So I just, like, I'd rather have a chassis around me.

G metal. All right. Next up, well, 855-266-2604 is the number. Next up, we got Carter from Chicago. Hello, Carter. Hey, guys. How you doing? Hi, hey, Carter.

I'm just, I'm really, I'm hearing the road trip stories. I have a nephew named Carter in Chicago. I'm just relieved you're not him because he shouldn't be listening. Oh, really? I'm a common name. Yeah, yeah. I love the road trip stories. I actually did one where I was looking for a job and I was dead broke and I rented

a car and drove 13 hours from Chicago to North Carolina overnight, left in a rest stop, went back because I didn't want to pay for more than, you know, a day. Right. The night after I did the interview, there was all in the same 24 hours. And I kept myself awake on the way back by literally singing lay-miz and fan phantom and I love the musicals at the top of my lungs. Yeah, yeah. You can't fall asleep for all singing.

Anyway, but I was saying, and I really apologize, I don't have any weed anxiety. Oh, that's okay. No, ain't later in life. Anything you want. I don't care. You know, we're just filling up an hour with good times. So this is actually very much the opposite of a weed story because it was when I was in the Navy. Uh-huh.

I was a submariner in the Navy, which is already a, a bad start because you know they go because you have to flunk the psych exam to get in a submariner do you really? Are you kidding? You must be crazy. I'm kidding.

Yeah, yeah. That's submarines? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. 130 men and you're sinking. Why not? Right, right. Jesus. I'm, I'm,

my palms are sweating already. This is terrifying. Oh, good. And you're going to love the rest of this story. Because I was a radio man and electronic chat. So I would go into the, I was new on the submarine.

We were transiting the Atlantic. And so I would go in in the off hours and do some training in the radio room, you know, sit in front of the instruments and run through some training scenarios and all that. Well, the radio room, nobody ever goes in there unless you need to be because it's small and cramped and you have to have a top secret to get inside it because of all the crypto and all that. When crypto meant cryptography and not, you know, fake money. Sure, of course. But so I went in there and I was there.

at night, that down, I happen to glance over at something that's called a depth-to-gauge repeater. And as it sounds like, it just takes the depth that the master depth gauge in the control room has and repeats of here. And we have to know it because you have to know how DPR, if you want to raise particular masks and all that sort of thing. Usually nothing to really be worried about when you're submerged. Right. Except that I glanced over at it. And as everybody knows from the Ocean Gate fiasco, they're familiar with a concept called Crush Dep. now.

So I glanced over, and that depth gauge repeater was 100 feet below crush depth for this submarine. Oh, fuck. And as you can imagine, it was literally one of those kind of like you were saying when you're on the other guy was saying when he was on the back of the motorcycle, just those five seconds, I'm just about to die and there's nothing I can do about it. And then it did occur to me that nobody else seemed to be really panicked. I didn't hear anybody running around wailing or loud praying or anything like that.

And I know that, you know, some mergers tend to be fatalistic, but not that fatalistic. So, yeah, I went out and did the world's fastest casual saunter up to the control room to see if anybody was having any, any honest. And that's how I learned that the depth gauge repeater in the radio room was out of calibration. Oh. 500 feet. So, I mean, thank God. But, yeah, that was one of those things where it was just like, well, that was it. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm 20 and I'm about to not be 21. Right, right. What is the maximum depth that you can go before you get crushed? The maximum depth is I would go to prison for saying. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, the official line from the Navy is depths in excess of 800 feet. Oh, wow.

Oh, my God. Is our operational depth. I would be anxious. Yeah, the actual operational depth and crushed depth is secret. I'd be anxious at like 50 feet below. I've been inside a submarine just as on a tour and it's... terrifyingly. Well, you're like 6-4, right? 6-6. Oh, 6-6, yeah. You're not built for that.

But there's some big submarines, and it's still like claustrophobic. Yeah, yeah. It is pretty claustrophobic. I will say, though, that like from the concept of submerging, it's very abstract. Like, you don't have any windows. There's no way to discerally understand what it is you're doing other than a number on a gauge. Yeah, yeah. What's that perspective? It's not too bad, but you're right. The claustrophobia, man, now and again, you go and find the widest space you can and just stretch out as much as you can possibly do it. What's the longest you

have been submerged in a sub before resurfacing? About 14 days. Oh, wow. Which sounds like a lot, but like the people who go out on a missile submarine go down for like roughly 90 days. Wow. Oh, my God. That's so bonkers. That's insane. And also, too,

then, you don't... Which is why we're all in a paste. Do you lose track of time? Like, because... No day or night. Yeah, there's no day or night, you know. 100% and even worse, when I was in, submarines operated on an 18-hour three-shift day. Yeah. So, like, after four or five days,

you would be completely out of calibration with what was happening about. Well, or what day, yeah, what day of the week it was or anything, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And when we're underway, we generally queue off of Greenwich meantime anyway. So it's not,

obviously, we're crossing the Atlantic. You don't go, well, it just crossed into the new time zone. Right, right. You just stay on the same one. Yeah, it's very disorienting. but, you know, you get used to it. And is there any contact with the outside world while you're down there?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were coming up every, you know, six to eight hours to periscope to depth to get communications downloads from the satellites. In fact, when I was out there, your tax dollars at work when I was out there, the operational communications always ended with the latest March Madness scores. Because even when you're in the United Atlantic, you know, you can't be that far out of touch. Right, exactly. But, I mean, can you, like, email your family?

while you're submerged? You know, honestly, I don't know now. We used to have what we're called subgrams, which were basically little short messages that you could send that got appended to official communications. So that's, you know, they just kind of got burst traffic to the receivers so that they could sort it out and send it. But there wasn't really any sort of real-time, you know, email or stuff or anything like that.

All right. Well, thank you for the. the call there, buddy. Thanks, Carter. Yeah. Thanks, Carter. I'm glad you're above ground now. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, I'm not going, not thinking any time. Okay. Thank you. All right, 855-266-2604 is the

number. I got Steve A.G. here from HBO Max's Peacemaker. Remember when Chris Elliott built a submarine in his bathtub on Get a Life? Yeah, yeah. Him and his father weren't it? God damn it. Submarines. No thank you. Gaines. Gaines from Nashville. Hey, Gaines. How are you?

Hey, I'm doing great. Good. Hey, Gans. You got me and Steve Agee. Awesome. Big fan of Boevia. Andy, I've been watching you on Conan since I was a kid, and Steve Peacemaker is the best thing. Oh, thanks, man. Appreciate it. Thank you. Hell yeah. Well, yeah. So my high anxiety story is from about 21 years ago or so, I was in high school, and me and two of my friends were at my buddy Mike's house. Now, Mike lived with his grandmother, and in her basement, she had a room with black light

and a couple of arcade systems. I think Gallagher and Doggy House. Fucking rock and grandma. And just other games, like, it's meant, fuck, yeah. It was very much, like, you know, ideal for teenage kids. But so a few weeks prior, Mike had smoked in his basement, and, you know, his grandma, who he lived with, was like, she's a very southern lady.

This was in Alabama. In the way she says his name, it sounds like a duck quacking. She goes, Mackle? But, so she, he hears her go, Mackle, I smell, smoke. And his response is, oh, I'm letting pieces of paper on fire. And she's like, oh, okay, that's fine. All right, all right, good pyro. It's a good pyro, boy.

But no, so we thought we'd be safe to do the same. So, of course, we smoke in the basement, and we hear Mackle. And we're like, oh, okay, Michael goes out to take. care of it. And when he goes out to take care of it, me and the other guy, Ryan, are just sitting there and we hear, Ryan, y'all come up too. We're like, oh shit, I think we're caught. And of course, we were, and it was late in the night. So she called everybody's parents and said what was going on and nobody wanted to come pick us up because it was so late. So she met us all three of us getting Mike's queen's and we're all just lying side by my side. This will teach you. So, yeah,

so we're just lying down in Mike's clean back. Mike's on the, yeah. So Mike's on one side, like being like, you know, he's having a little bit of a freak out,

but it's not bad. And he's like calling friends that have been caught being like, did you do anything to like lessen the punishment? What's going on? Like, how did it go for you sort of thing? And then Ryan is in the middle.

And he is losing his shit. He's like, I'm going to be grounded forever. I'm not to be able to do anything for the rest of my life. I probably won't even be able to move out, blah, blah, blah. He's losing the shit. And I am on the other end just trying to enjoy the high. And I'm acting like nothing happened and we didn't get caught. So I'm just laying there like, yeah, I don't know what you guys are talking about.

This is fucking great. Like, I'm just having a good time. Let's put on some music. But we're all just, yeah, freaking out in his bed. and of course the guy in the middle Ryan was grounded for a little while and Mike

I was grounded for about a month my parents very strict back then sort of that thing Mike got grounded for a weekend just a sole weekend

being like well next week you're fine but this weekend you're fucked you gotta pause smoking weed for three days boy none of those are that bad God, I got in trouble for drinking and smoking weed. My parents sent me to military school for two years.

It can get way worse. That is funny. Come on, that's a good joke. It is hilarious. Did you like military school? No, it was military school. I did sell script to FX based on it, and it didn't go. Yeah, yeah.

God. Military school. Well, thank you, Gaines for the call. Thanks, Gaines. Of course. Thank you. Glad you got out of it. I mean, the whole notion to me of, like, getting all worked up when your teenage kids are smoking pot, so, like, especially now in California.

Yeah. Like, to try and get young people to stop smoking weed is just. No way. Yeah, it's like stop wearing shoes, you know. Yeah, especially when you can get it anywhere. Anywhere. And also, you know, my son and all his friends, I mean, I'm probably a terrible father from some people's mind. but like they all had fake IDs.

There's a there is a couple whose job for years and years has just been making fantastic fake IDs for high school kids. And all of them had them. From this couple? Yeah, yeah. My son had like a Michigan driver's license that looked completely legit, you know. And, you know, and it's like, you know, I trust him enough to know that like, because I was raised in a very permissive.

like you know like your kids are going to drink kind of you know like just take it easy don't drive and that kind of thing um was it was it brian stack making the fake ideas no no no no no it was like i don't know i don't know that just my kids have told me yeah it's like some married couple that everybody knows about that makes fake IDs for high school kids and um and my son too like there was one point when he was in high school and the way our house was built his bedroom was like right you came in the front door the house and to the left it's just his bedroom and then the rest of the whole rest of the house is to the right but he had in burbank or hancock park in burbank yeah and so he had this kind of like you know uh what's his name the the oldest brady boy you know

I wonder about the attic. Oh, Greg. Johnny Bravo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, his own little space. Yeah. My son had this room, but the only thing was is that the mailbox was a slot next to the front door that emptied onto like a built-in cabinet in his room. And one day I went in there just to like to get the mail, just kind of popped in his

door and, you know, knocked like, you know, a little knock and then nobody answered. I opened the door. And right there where the mail comes out is like an open bag of weed. just sitting on the counter and I just, I went to him and I was like, just act like, don't leave it open. It dries out.

I was just like, act like you're a little bit worried about me catching you doing something, you know? And he's like, oh, I forgot to put it away. I was like, all right. I should have just stole it from him. 855-266-2-4 is the number. Austin from San Francisco.

Sounds like you've got a cop story. Oh, man. Hey, can you hear me like this on history? Yeah, I mean, it's better if you're not, but, you know. I'll tell you what. And also, I don't necessarily want to know why you're hands free either. I mean, come on. Oh, that's a whole other story.

Well, hey, I'm a functioning stoner. Nice. And have been for a long, have been for a long time. You know, with the college in the late 80s and since then, functioning stoner. And I work in the creative industry, so frankly, it's very easy for me to maintain that and have no issues. And this is a great time in my life. Life was around 2010, and a buddy of mine was getting married, and he invited us for a debauchous weekend. I don't know if you know, we're Stinson Beach, but we all pitched in money to rent a beautiful house on the water in Stinson Beach for just a weekend of activities.

party-ish, if you can imagine. And I had just bought this six sports car, and I was thinking, man, it's a beautiful day. It's a Saturday. I have to leave it like 11 to get in there at a certain time. And what an amazing drive. So they also said, hey, please bring your wheat because I happen to grow in my backyard. And I'm like, okay, I'll bring some killer weed. And I kind of wanted to be a baller. So I brought my largest jar of weed, like stuff to the top, a massive Mason jar, maybe three gallons worth of something I thought was great. I put it in my duffel bag and I stick it in the rear seat of this sports car that barely even has any back seats. Anyway, so bombing through Marin, you know, trying to get to the turnoff to get to

dress drive and distance in and I'm like, fuck it. I got some rolled ones. I feel pretty good. The sunroof is open. So I sparkling up. I'm listening to my favorite music and life is amazing. And I just take this huge rip off this thing. And I'm coming over a riser and then just starting to descend down the freeway. I'm in the fast lane like 85 miles an hour, which feels normal. And there is a CHP on the side of the road, right? And I'm like, oh, fuck. So I, like, immediately panic and toss the join out the window and start immediately looking in the rearview mirror as you do.

And saw the red lights turn on. I'm like, oh, he's coming after me. I know that fucker's coming after me. So roll down all my windows because I think the car must smell really bad. So I roll down my windows, he gets behind me, and he gets on the microphone, I was like, grab, I'm going to pull up because I'm taking an inordinate amount of time because I want the car to air out. So I don't take this exit.

I don't take this exit, right? I feel nervous, and I eventually pull over. And the dude who pulls me over, like, literally just graduated from the CHP Academy, jar head, shaved head, far too young to have a mustache, that squishy, glasses, the whole nine yards, and a whole lot of attitude, he just can't wait to pull me over. He's that dude, like, so, so Captain CHP. and it approaches the passenger side. Obviously, I have all the windows down because I'm trying to air out the car.

And he's like, license and registration. And I'm like, how are you, officer? I always try to be very nice. And I get pulled over. Found I'd get out of tickets that way. He's like, yeah, license is registration. Told it by the book guy. No conversation.

And I'm like, sure. So I lean over and I open my glove compartment, which is where I keep my registration and my insurance information. And, you know, drops down, has a very large. glove compartment drops down quite far and he looks down in my glove compartment because i'm leaning over to it and he steps back from the car he goes sir exactly how much weed do you have in this car i'm like how the fuck does he know and and i looked down in my glove box and a big old green nugget had fell out of a bag from like months ago i didn't know it was there right i had no idea it was even

there and all of a sudden man i could have squeezed the diamond out of my ass how how puckered i was at that point And it was fucking terrifying, right? She goes, exactly how much weed do you have in this car? And I'm thinking, I got a massive jar in my backseat. It's not legal yet for recreation, by the way. So I'm like, holy Jesus. So I said, well, just that, right there. That nugget must have been, you know, who knows when.

He's like, well, now I have permission to search the whole car. And I'm like, so why don't you, why don't you admit to me? We go, let's just be honest with each other because I now have permission to search your car. and I'm like, no, it's just that. And he goes, I see. And he's like, please remove your sunglasses and he leans in with a pen and he starts inspecting my eyes and making me look left and look right. And I'm like going, holy shit in the back of my mind. And he steps back from the car and he starts talking into that microphone that's wired up to his shoulder.

You know, they have that one that's like hanging off their shoulder. And he's like doing police codes and shit in front me. I have no idea what it is, but I know it's not good if a cop that was just going to give you a ticket, starts talking into their shoulder, right? knew it was bad. Absolutely bad. He was stay right here. So he goes back to his car and he's there for quite a while. I'm like, oh, my God, I am so fucked. This is no good at all. And he comes, he comes back to the car after what felt like too long. And he's like, he's like, sir, I'd like to have you step out of the car for a moment.

And I'm like, oh, oh my God, through my stoner mind, through my haves, through fucking living through the 80s and all the drug use, I remembered that I just got a medical marijuana license, right? I just got it, and I forgot about that. And I said to him, I said, by the way, I have a, you know, a medical script for this. And I reached into my wallet, thank God, I had it, and I handed it to him. And it was kind of like, it was funny, I'll never forget. I thought it was like a video game because it was like a power down, like all of a sudden, all his power went away. And I felt like he reduced in size, like, by 25%. And he was like, oh, and he's looking at it. is like he was bummed he was just ready and I knew he was ready this would like he was going

to get a promotion off of this one but luckily I was able to avert that crisis just get a speeding ticket which I then went to court for and he never showed up and it got so it was a great day over the entire weekend anyway that's my my high anxiety so why didn't he he didn't search your car because you had the card well he ended up not searching my car he was I think he was about to um but because i had the car it wouldn't have mattered okay that i had it's what was the point it wouldn't have mattered exactly exactly and it's funny i forgot that i even had one i was so terrible i mean i would not but there wasn't there didn't there used to be a limit on the amount of those cards i'm i'm sure like giant jar for stinson beach is not it exceeds the

amount of what the medical card is for oh i'm sure i'm i'm sure that i i know i got very because I just copped it. It was just that one nugget there. And so, who knows, maybe he was ready to pull somebody else over for a better thing I was about to get. All right. Well, Austin, you be careful out there. Hey, love you guys. Love the show.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you for listening. And I'll just keep up here. All right, cool. Thank you so much. Thanks, Austin. All right. Next up, we got Hope from Ohio.

Hi, Hope. How you doing? I'm doing good. Not a weed story. That's all right. But my story is. I was in the fifth grade, and every year they had a talent show. It was just like a tradition.

And at the time, I was taking tap dance classes, and I was so happy, and I signed up to do this talent show. But I got scared, and I changed my mind. So I crossed my name off the list, and I thought that was the end of it. And this was like weeks before. She'd had time to practice and rehearse and stuff. And it's the day of the talent show. and I get called down to the stage from my classroom. And they're like, so, like, what song are you doing?

And I'm like, I'm not doing any song. Like, I canceled being this weeks ago. And they're like, it's too late to cancel now. What about weeks ago? You must dance. And I was like, okay, the song I was going to do this too was I'm still standing by Elton John. They were like, oh, okay. but the thing about tap is that you kind of have to have tap shoes

and I did not have those on me. So I borrowed these jazz shoes that were two sizes too small from one of my friends. And I get out on the stage and I'm freaking out because I haven't practiced in week. And the song gets upon and it's the wrong version. It's like a remake of I'm still standing like hip-hop or something. And I just stand there for a minute.

I'm like, oh, no. And so I just tried to go with it. Like, I tried to remember what I did and danced around. And I got off the stage after, and I just cried. I was like, it was so scary. It was like in front of the entire school. And I see my dad in the audience because he's a teacher. And he just is like just staring because he didn't know what is happening.

but it was I don't recommend that I can't see why they you know were like you have to like were you the only act not a lot of people signed up

and I think there was this big thing going around a time whenever people would sign up for stuff where they crossed out other people's names but they didn't like and people would be upset but this time I actually was to the one

It was you. Right, right. It was me. You got to follow up on that. When you're commit to tap dancing and change your mind, you've got to follow up. You've got to let them know. No, I really do not want to tap dance. All right, well, thank you for the call, Hope.

Thanks for talking with me. Thanks, Hope. You have a good one. All right, we got the last one today. We're running out of time. We got Span from Toronto, Span. Hey, how's it going, guys? Good, good.

Love the show. Love peace, speak. Love Peacemaker. Hey, Die Beard. Thanks. How's it going? My anxiety story is a weed story. Back when I was in college, I went to college in England, an agricultural college. And it just happened to be the year that residents weren't subsidized. So there was very few residents at this college.

It was only like 38 of us. and I was one of two stoners, so we were known, we were well known, and one day my class or my group was going out to a farm visit, we're going to go and see a farm, and I got to the van, and everybody was wearing their coats, and I realized I forgot my coat in my dorm room. So I went back to my dorm room, as I'm walking down the hall, I see the janitor, that's in charge of our dorm and what I guess you'd call the dean of the school stood outside of my door and I looked at the janitor I knew him well

and he sort of gave me a bit of a smirk and I walked up to my room and there were three under like plainclosed cops just ripping apart my room Jesus Christ and like they were taking my CD in the back of the days of CDs they were taking my CD cases apart like the plastic insert

everything was just being ripped apart. And one of the guys says, oh, hello, are you, blah, blah, blah. And he said, well, we're here, we're doing random searches of rooms for weed and stuff. I can't remember exactly what he said. And he passed me the search warrant. They had a written search warrant for my room. And I said, oh, okay. And I was shit and bricks.

But at the time, I was smoking hash, and to make hash go longer, go further, you break it up and roll it in with tobacco. Yeah. And so, but I always kept my hash on me. It was actually shoved down my pants at the time. And he said to me, said, so, Mr. Blah, blah, blah, do you have any, do you have any, I have to ask you, do you have any marijuana in this room? And I looked at him and I said, I hope not. And he looked back in me, and he said, that's not a yes or no answer, Mr. Blahua. And I said, oh, no, I do not.

And he said, okay, well, there it is. And so I said, can I get my coat? I grabbed my coat, and I left. They searched my coat before they gave it to me. And I left. I went back to the van where all my buddies were, and I told them the story. and all day, all I can think was what the hell is going to happen to me, what the hell is going to get expelled, and all this shit's going to happen to me.

And at the end of the day, I get back to the college and I hear nothing. Nothing was said to me. And then I see the janitor a little bit later on. And I said, what the hell happened? Like, what's going on? And he said, just before I got there, they got the drug dog in my room, and it went ballistic because there were bits of weed all crumpled into the carpet and everything. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

And so that gave them the right to search my room pretty much. But they couldn't find anything because it was on my person. And all I could think of was if I'd have been there five, ten minutes earlier, this dog would have gone right from my nut. Right, right. Lucky guy. Spenn, is your last name really blah, blah, blah? No, I'm kidding. We can't give our last names out here.

Right, right, exactly. Yeah, yeah. My first name isn't Spenn, it's Sven. Like, you guys got kids, you know the movie Frozen. Oh, sure. Oh, it's Sven. Yeah, no, we have S-P-A-N, that's what I had. Okay, Sven, sure.

Yeah. Well, that is weird, though, that they just can, that cops were just going room to room. isn't you know yeah they they said it was like a training thing like they're using the colleges like but it was a bullshit story the dean hated me and he hated the other guy

because we'd slack off all the time right right to go to the field instead of going uh it was a shakedown yep you shifty shifty Canadians yeah all right well I'm glad you

escaped uh imprisonment in an English jail, a rural English jail. All right, thanks, Sven. Thanks, Sven. All right, thanks, guys. All right, well, Steve, that's it. That's our show.

We usually pick a favorite here. You got one? I think I like the submarine story just because it was so, it just had that kind of Johnny Quest adventurous feel. Did they win anything if we pick? No, not a fucking thing. I'm too high to pick

So I'll go submarine too Yeah, all right submarine There we go They were all great Yeah And it also helps me Decide what I'm going to have for lunch Subway

Submarine sandwich No I'm going to go to Jersey Yeah that's a good one Good call And that's not a paid advertisement All right so Peacemaker's still out there Anything else you want to plug

I got nothing else to plug You can find me on Instagram at Steve Ager Yes, beautiful photography Thanks, pal Steve's a beautiful photographer And so, it's so great to see you I'm glad you could come in

It's been a while, yeah, it's good to see you I want the rest of you to stick around We'll come back next week And hear more of this But I want you to stick around Because you're going to hear now Stand Up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin Lori Kilmartin

All right, thanks guys, bye Bye Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio