The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Tamara Yajia: Travel Tales (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

Super-pregnant writer and comedian Tamara Yajia joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show to talk your TRAVEL TALES! Callers share stories about a handsy sleepwalker on a plane, a prison-break rescue in Nevada, an elderly creep in Norway, and a scary cab driver in Jamaica. Plus, Tamara recalls “Weekend at Bernie’s”-ing her friend in Amsterdam. Want to call in for a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Bride. If it sounds like I'm sucking chocolate chip cookies out of my teeth, it's because I am. Hi, Andy Richter here. Andy Richter Call-in Show. I hope you're all doing well. It's lovely outside here in California. It's not miserable. Hot.

Today we're talking travel tales. So if you've got one, 855-266-2-604 is the number. We'd love to hear it. Or if you have a wild card, you know, any of those off-topic calls, give us a ring. And I'm excited here today because I have Tamiaia, aka Super Prego, here with me today to handle the travel tales. I'm nine months and a half pregnant or more. A week away.

I'm a week away. The child's head is just po-like. basically poking out. I have to pee every five seconds. I was going to wear a depend to do this. And I was like, no, I'm not going to do that. And pee wherever you want here. Just a little bit comes out. It gets absorbed. It's satellite radio. And I also have chocolate chip cookies all in my mouth. Isn't it great when you find a little old chocolate chip in between your teeth and you kind of get to savor it? It's a lot better than when four hours after dinner you brush your teeth and a big chunk of green vegetable comes out. That's a bit of.

That's always alarm. That's like the confetti app that comes out of your hair when you get home from a concert or whatever. I'm from Argentina and we eat a lot of meat. So we'll have barbecues and then like later we'll pull out. Like what feels like half a pound of tri-tip or something. You know, let me mention that. Your debut memoir, Cry for Me, Argentina. My Life is a Failed Child Star, is available wherever you get your books.

It's so very funny. And you can follow Tam on Tamara Yagia at Tamara Yagia on Instagram. Yes. Is that the only one you're on nowadays? Yeah, I deleted Twitter, which is where we met. And, yeah, I'm just on Instagram and Blue Sky, which is fine. And my paperback just came out. Oh, great.

So I'm excited. It's more affordable. And I took, my original book was really crass. So I took 10% of the crassness out for the paperback. Oh, really? Really. Was that a note or did you just do that on your own? I felt like for my first book or the hardcover, I just kind of let it all out, but I went a little too far. Like I didn't need to be talking about like the smells of my grandmother's vagina.

Sorry. You know, but that's a dope. You know, but that line came up. I can't handle it. Yeah, yeah. But not everybody can. So I'm trying to be more approachable. I, yeah, it's, I have, I have had to adjust.

I'm in my second marriage and my, there's much more decorum. Oh, really? Yeah, in sort of like bodily things with my current wife. Right. And, you know, this wife, because there's going to be a few more. There's got to be. It's L.A. No, but she's from the beginning, she's just like, yeah, yeah, I don't want to hear.

Like, I mean, now it's sort of a joke, like if I burp in the next room and she's like, I heard that. And I'm like, can a man not burp in a room alone in his own house? Like it's got to come out somewhere. Yes, yes. That's interesting, though. It is kind of nice because it gets to a point where if you're just constantly burping and farting. Absolutely. No, I don't mind it at all.

And I have to like realize because like the house I grew up in, we might as well not have had doors on the bathrooms. Oh, really? Yeah. No, it was just like a free. Same. a free for all, you know, and like, no, you know, like, mom, I need money. Bring me my purse and she's on the toilet, you know.

Same. Here you go. You know, just no boundaries, no sort of decorum whatsoever. Exactly my family. Like walking in while I was taking a shit or just like all of us naked all the time. And it's weird. My dad a couple of months ago did one therapy session and was like, Tam, you're old now. Please stop walking around with your boobs out.

And he literally told me this while he was pissing with the door open. Like, but I respect it. You got to respect boundaries. Yeah, but I mean, you know, tits out. That's who doesn't want to be tits out? I'm your daughter. Yeah, come on. Now he's going to have to see him.

Right, right, right. With like the biggest arioles of your life. Andy, what the fuck? It's crazy. And there's like, I have skin tags everywhere. Did you hear about this symptom of pregnancy? You grow wards everywhere. Wow.

It's like all over my neck. They look like meatballs almost. Yeah, yeah. But they're just like little skin tags. Yeah, they're little, but there's like thousands of them. Wow. Is there a reason? Like have they told, is there a reason?

Hormones. Ah. I'm getting them all removed, obviously, once she's born. Your hormones? Yes. Getting them removed? I don't know if that's a good idea. I want them zapped.

I want to be completely neuter. Yeah, what would that be like? Yeah, I know. No hormones. Yeah. Just contentment. Just vapid contentment. Sounds great.

Yep. Well, yeah. Well, congratulations. Now, do you know? A girl. A girl. Sally. Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah. And did you, was there any sort of pretense like that you weren't going to find out? No, I had such a hard time conceiving and miscarriages and this and that that I wanted to know every last bit of information. And I also had a really crazy relationship with my mom, and which is why I wanted a girl. Because I wanted to, like, correct that, not to put pressure on her or anything. Right, right. Or yourself. Or myself.

Because you can't fuck up now. I know. I know. I'm going to overcorrect. Gotten out on a limb with this one. Yeah. I'll show her. Yeah.

And then it'll be like 10 times worse. Yeah. No, I think we're going to be great. Yeah. I'm so happy. Like, despite all of the. like nine months, like the hell of the nine months I'm going through. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so happy. It's great. It is a crazy thing. I mean, of course, it's the most, it's one of those things that were, it's the most natural thing in the world.

But it's like, holy shit, there's a fucking baby in there. When I, it's crazy. I'll forget. And then I remember. And I'm like, how was she? Yeah. I'm like, the other day I went in the pool. And I'm like, she's going to drown.

And then I'm like, oh, no, wait. She's already in water. Yeah, yeah. She's a fish at this point. I love that you found out because I think like the people that are like, I'm not going to, I always found that like you're, you're, there's someone that's going to come live with you forever and you don't want to know anything about them. No. No, no, no, no, no. I wanted to start conceptualizing as soon as I could, you know.

Totally. And I'm not even like the pink room. Like, I don't care about that. But like, it's, I don't know. There's a difference. Like, I'm going to have a girl. Right. I got little dresses.

Oh, yeah, of course. All the cutenesses. So. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Now, being from Argentina, and you live there until what age? I lived there until I was about 12 or 13.

And so you have traveled a lot. I've traveled a lot. Yeah. I tend to be a nostalgic person. So if I go somewhere that I love, I return to that place. So like I've traveled to a lot of the same places many times. Which are? List them for us, please.

Well, Argentina, of course. That's my number one. And it's 17 hours away. That's home. I mean, yeah. That's home. And I go. I have family.

But I've done a fair amount of France, Paris. We just went to Italy with my husband. I think mostly like honestly, Europe is where I've gone. And I've traveled a lot in South America. family in Brazil, I've gone to Colombia. I've traveled a lot. Yeah. That's, I mean, you? I mean, I've gone on vacations. No, sit. Yeah. You know what I mean? I, I haven't done, but I, you know, I have, I have been blessed with disposable income that allows me to go to different places. And also, like my older kids, uh, were very adventurous and liked to travel,

you know, so that was good. Except my daughter, uh, who was a wild animal, until about the age of seven. We made a pact like just or sort of a policy. Like we're not getting on any plane rides longer than two hours with her until she's 12. And that's kind of what we did because she was just so much to handle. Yeah. I mean, fantastic and fun and just great. And I was always like all of the things that are making me crazy are going to be so good for her.

her just in terms of like being a woman in the world. Right, right. But right now it's like stop the negotiating. Give me a minute. Leave, no, I can't talk to you. I've been talking to you for six hours, you know. Yeah. I'm glad this podcast was about traveling because I'm not going to be traveling, you know.

Right. For a while. Yeah. And so like it got me to think about how much cool shit I've done and how much wild. I think like I've had. I have wild travel stories more than anything. Not so much bad or, you know, but I traveled during like the craziest times in my life.

So a lot of my stories have to do with like substances and getting fucked up. Right, right, right. But it's, God. Well, those days don't have to be over. No, maybe not the like blacking out on a street of Amsterdam. Maybe that is not good. Oh, yeah. No, but, you know, honestly, there is a period where babies.

are very portable, especially depending on their temperament because like one of, and on it, I used to say this until I got a little bit more introspective, but I used to say I don't have any regrets in my life except for I took an 18 month old to Italy, to like Rome, to a vacation in Rome. Intense. We had made the plans when he was still like in a carrier and we'd take him to dinners and you just put him on the banquet and he sleeps and if he wakes up he's charming and cute yep and then by the time we actually took the trip he was walking and picking things out i mean like dog turds cigarette butts broken glass picking it up and being like maybe this is tasty so fucking exhausting and my ex-wife and i did not enjoy a meal together it was you wolf down the

food while I chase him. And then I'll wolf down my food while you chase him. And it was just, I was like, this is a terrible mistake. And Rome is kind of intense. It's like a lot of walking. And scooters coming up from nowhere when you're like, okay, yeah, he's fine. He's 20 feet away. But like, holy shit, here comes three scooters at top speed.

What's the age when you can still? It's like, what, six months or less? I would say maybe even up to, you know, 10 months. Right. And it all is depending on how soon they walk and how much they're into walking and how it. But I mean, it's also there's, it's all temperament too. Yeah. Like my, my son was was a lot, but his sister was a lot.

Wow. Yeah. And my, my youngest, my, you know, now six and a half year old, she's a lot too. But she's not as wandering wild animal as my other daughter. They have, they're not really. by blood, but they are very similar in many, many ways. Right. But she's just, she's the same as her older step sister in that she's like, I need FaceTime all the time.

Oh, all the time. I'm not ready for that. Oh, that's, you know, it's like, come on, just can't you color in a book for five minutes? Give me a break, you know, and then, and she, like, when we, when my wife and I watch TV, she will be like a canary going like like talking to us while the show is going on about like something in a book or something she's coloring.

She's like, well this, you know, like this rainbow is going to have some blonde hair. And we're just like, uh-huh, uh-huh as we're walking. Oh,

that's so sad. He's like you don't want to hear it. You don't know. And I mean, it's cute. I feel guilty in a way for like ignoring her. But then I'm also kind of like, how if I was constantly entertaining her, you know, and keeping her, you know, keeping that, how is she going to go out in the world and not realize like, oh, no, that was. It's not how it works.

I can't get that out in the world. Yeah. I'm going to designate my husband who is here to do all of the listening. That's good. He's great. That's good. Well, have you, have you had nightmares? I mean travel stories or fun ones.

Usually the nightmares, people will complain. Like, how come these stories aren't positive? I'm like, because they weren't any fun. This is a nightmare story for any parent that hears it, but it was so fucking funny. I went, this was like my first big trip. I just graduated high school. I went with my best friend to Amsterdam. And we were pretty big, like, wasteoids.

Like, we like to smoke pod and take ecstasy or whatever. And we were codependent as hell. So we get to Amsterdam the first night. My friend goes insane with drugs. Don't recommend this children. She took mushrooms. She ate like 10 space cakes, which are just like weed things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She got drunk. And there was one, I hope there wasn't cocaine, but there might have been. Right. I just did some mushrooms, but she always took things to the next level. So that night, it's three in the morning, we're sleeping at a hostel. She wakes up and she's like, Tam, I think my spleen has exploded. She was barfing. She was green.

She had the worst pain in her stomach. I was like, this woman's going to die. And I remembered that one of our hostel room, like guys that was staying with us, we didn't know it was like some English guy, had just been stabbed in the heart or next to the heart. Oh, wow. And he had tablets of morphine. So I was like, why don't we give her one? It'll calm down the pain.

This is so irresponsible instead of taking her to the hospital. But you know it's that fear of like going to a hospital in a foreign country. Absolutely. For two days, my friend is completely out of commission to where we put her in the basement of the hostel. We laid her down and she just stared at a TV screen of a weed plant growing. That was, it was like a local Amsterdam channel. And then after two days, I'm like, damn it, I want to see the city. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm codependent. I got to get my friend. You can't do it by yourself, yeah. So I pretty much weakened at Bernied her. I put her in a wheelchair and I took her to the Anne Franco's with me. Oh, my God. Over cobblestone streets, too. Over cobblestone streets.

That's a rough ride. She was like with it, but not. Like, she doesn't remember. of it she had one eye open the entire time and I mean there was like brain damage I don't know what was happening she could she get up into the into the attic she could walk there an elevator there is an elevator but there's certain sections you can't access because there's little stairs but she was able to stand if I kind of carried her yeah yeah so I took her there she doesn't remember any of this then and the whole time at the Anne Frank museum she kept saying mama I won't

pizza. Mama, I want pizza. And I was like, okay, well, let me feed you. So then I took her to the park. Yeah, yeah. And I fed her a rotisserie chicken. We were like two raccoons again. She was just like licking the chicken because she couldn't like book. And, and then I think by day like six, she kind of started like regaining. Yeah, yeah. But how long were you there? Seven days. So she enjoyed half a day of ancestry. Now was she pissed at you for giving her the morphine? I didn't give it to her. Right. I said you suggested it and she and she agreed.

And she agreed. I mean just I'm like not taking responsibility for any of this. Yes but consent is important and she gave it. And she gave it. Yeah yeah. She was at her best when she gave it to. She's doing great. Wow. So that's one of my weirdest ones really.

That's, I went once, I mean, it's not drug related, but I went on a skiing trip, my senior year of high school, spring break, and we stayed with a friend's aunt who lived in Salt Lake City, in a suburb of Salt Lake City. And we were going to go skiing every day. And on the first day, I totally fucked up my knee. And then, so I spent like five days sitting in my friend's aunt's living room in Sandy, you. Utah. And she was perfectly nice, but it's like, she's not my aunt. And I can't, you know, I can't go anywhere. It's a total depression. It was just, it was such a bummer. The end could not come soon enough. And we had driven. So we had to then drive back home. And you're in pain. What did you do, watch TV? Just watch TV. Just watch, you know, watched Price's Ride and all my children with my friend's aunt. Except like she would go out. which I was, that was like, oh, thank God. Because otherwise, it's like, I'm just making small talk for five days.

And feeling also, too, just like, I'm, here I am like, you know, like in this poor woman's house. Totally. Yeah. How old were you? It was a senior year of high school. Oh, okay. So like 17 or whatever. The worst time to be spending with like a senior citizen.

Absolutely. Absolutely. All right. Well, let's go to the phones. 855-266-26. 2604 is the number if you have a travel tale. Let's talk to Stephen from Elmonte. Local boy, what's up, Stephen?

Tam and I want to hear your stuff. Good, nothing much, just, you know, radio show. Yeah, just a little nervous, you know, a big fan. Oh, thank you. Don't be nervous. No. The stakes are very low. Yeah. Well, hopefully I helped that out today.

Okay. Well, as my time, I used to work as a cruise ship musician. And my first time in Jamaica, or one of my first times, usually there's like the port is owned by the cruise ship. So there's pools and there's, you know, bars that's a safe area. And me as being adventurous, I decided to walk alone into Jamaica, into, you know, the hood of it or I guess the dangerous areas by myself. I learned an important thing that day that I should never wear. I was wearing like a cloth shirt and I was wearing like Rayban sunglasses. And there were some guys standing next to a taxi.

And they were like complimenting me on my shirt. Oh, a nice shirt, man. Oh, what's up? One love, man, or whatever, you know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, like, oh, nice glasses. I was like, oh, you know, thanks, you know. So anyways, the guy's like, get in a taxi.

I'll give you a ride wherever you're going. I'm like, no, man, I'm good. you know, I'm just walking. So I kept walking. They got in the taxi and started following me in the taxi. And like getting more angry. Like, get in. I'm like, no, I'm good.

So at this point, I kind of felt some dangerous. So I turned around, started walking back towards the port. Right. And they're still following me. So now they're like screaming at me. Like, get in the taxi like angrily. And he like showed me a pistol, like get in the taxi now. and I don't know if it was real or what,

but I just started running. And I'm a big guy, you know, I'm like, I'm a big guy, you know? Yeah, yeah. I was dying, bro. Oh, I bet. My God, wait. Running and running.

Sorry, no, keep going. Keep going. No. And did they pursue you? Like, did they keep after you? They kept after me for a little while. Like I said, I'm thinking maybe it wasn't a real gun. They're just trying to intimidate me to give me my wallet.

or whatever. Yeah. But I ran once I got close to the port, they, they kind of, you know, stopped and turned around. Yeah. But after that, never again, bro. I never wore anything like, what is it, like name brand? Right. Yeah.

Leave your jewelry on the boat. Yes. I started carrying fake wallet. I started carrying, you know, just wearing like the worst clothes I could wear. Sure. Yeah, bad experience. Yeah, yeah. But Jamaica's beautiful, nothing against, there's some beautiful people there.

There's some beautiful locations. Yes. That was one out of the billion times. The possibility, you know. The possibility exists that they just really wanted to be your friend. I think that's what it was. Yeah. They wanted to show you the best time.

Yeah. And it wasn't a gun. It was a banana. Sure. Yes. The banana would have worked. I probably would have gone on the car. My dad got robbed with a banana.

That's why I'm saying this. and he still gave the taxi driver or he thinks it was a banana and he gave him his wallet. Wow. Just anything that kind of looks like a gun could be a penis too. Well, Stephen, are you still in that line of work?

Do you still do that? I'm still a musician. I haven't done that for a few years. Yeah. You know, being, you know, I'm sure you know about the traveling. Everything at home falls apart while you're gone. You know, those six months and nine months contracts

is a pain, you know? Yeah, yeah. Totally. No, it is. You do sort of like let go of any kind of personal life when you do stuff like that, you know. Exactly. My husband's a traveling musician. Oh.

I feel you. Hope that's all good. Yeah. Well, he's going to chill for a while now that I'm having the baby, but that's how he makes most of his money. So it's a tough life, but it's also awesome. What was the band you were in on the cruise? I was actually a solo.

musician. They're called like the guitar soloist. I played by the pool. I played by like the bars. Oh, night. Like classical guitar? No. I like like looper pedal. So I would like loop like a beat. Oh, cool. Oh, like yeah, it's just pop music, reggae and rock stuff like that. Oh, nice. Sounds awesome. It does sound awesome. And I mean, it's got it's got to be a fun adventure for a little while. Oh, it's awesome. Like I said, I still play. I still travel here and there. But yeah, that was just intense. man. Actually, after the pandemic, they just got worse. Oh, yeah.

They were locked down. They weren't letting. That's what stopped me, actually. 2020, they, we got stuck on the ship for like six months. There was no passengers. Oh. Were you on the original COVID cruise? No. Yes.

No. Not the, not the famous one. Because there was one up of San Francisco. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, or San Francisco. I was off the Long Beach, which was like, it was devastating because

if you know, I'm not far from Yeah, you're so close to home. You can probably see it. I'm like, I could see, I could see land. And I'm like, I'm American because 99% of the people that work there are not American. Yeah, yeah. So I was, you know, I'm sure they hated me,

but I was, you know, bitching and complaining. Like, just let me off the ship. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, at that time, no one knew what was going on. Right. And it's too far to swim. especially with my skills, dude. Yeah, yeah.

I'm right there with you. I don't know if I've said it on here, but I've said it before. Like, there's been maybe three times on my life that I've been on a boat and people are like, let's swim to shore. And every time I had like anxiety, panic attack mortality moment where I was like, I'm not going to make it. Did you do it? Yeah.

Oh, my God. You're so brave. I did it. And it was like one of those things were, too. I had to have the panic quietly. You know, like not let everybody know that I was panicking. So it's like even worse. So, yeah, I would, I would have just stayed on the boat with you.

So, well, thank you, Stephen. Thanks for the call. Well, thank you guys. All right. Thanks for having me. Sure. All right. Next up, we've got Jackie from New Orleans.

How are we going? Good. How are you, Jackie? Tam and I would like to hear your story. Hi, Jackie. Good. Hi, hi. So my story, I was in Bergen, Norway, about three, four years ago now.

And on my second night, I'm hanging out in the lobby. And I start, me and about three older people from Florida, strike up a conversation. There was a gentleman and his wife and a sister. I don't know if it was his sister or hers. but they're all in their 80s and we're just, you know, normal traveler chat. Nothing out of the ordinary, just swapping itineraries and do this, don't do that, eat here, don't eat there, wherever.

Nothing. Like maybe a 15-minute conversation, didn't give it a second thought. Continued my life, followed around Bergen for a bit. The next day, I see him again. And we caught up and we were sharing stories again because one of them was in like a walking cast. So I was very curious to how that person was, you know, getting on because that's not a fun. time. And we start chatting and about maybe 10 minutes into the conversation, this man goes, I bet I can tell you your room number. Yep. Like, I just got goosebumps saying it again because,

like, the fear that bolted through me, like, I was a solo female traveler. I'm sure that, like, I'm sure I made a face I didn't mean to make out loud. But in that moment, a poker face was not in the car. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I'm staring at him and he gives me my room number. And I know for sure he never was in the hallway at the same time I was. He was never in an elevator.

Like there's no way this dude knew my hotel number. Yeah. And of course, like my thoughts are racing. I'm like, I'm going to be on the news. This is how people get, like, traffic. Like, I'm going to get kidnapped. Like, I'm going to have to beat this old man up. And of course, he's from Florida.

Like, all of the thoughts. Yeah, yeah. Just immediately race. Salts. Right? Yeah. So I kept cool and I kept like my composure. I wanted him to not think that that just terrified me, but I'm sure he got that vibe.

Well, why the fuck would anybody not think that that's a creepy, weird thing, off-putting thing to say? Exactly. It's insane. Exactly. And was he there alone or was he with a group? Did he have a spouse or a partner? He was with his spouse and his sister. It was either his sister or her sister.

But when he was telling me my room number, it was just. just the two of us. Right, right. He was, he was in his 80s too? Yeah, dude, 80. Upward, like 85 at least. Wow. See, you probably could have taken it.

Oh, my gosh. Good. Those old ones got brittle bones. Totally. That was my friend. I was like, I'm going to have to, like, kill this man. Yeah. I don't want to be on it.

Like, two Americans getting to fight in Norway. That's not how I want my vacation to be. Yeah. So it was like, think fast. So I asked if I could take a selfie with him. Brilliant. So I took a selfie with him. And I sent him.

it to the two people in my life that had my location. Without any contacts. Like literally just sent them both a picture and didn't follow up for like another 30 minutes because I was like, well, I need to start leaving a trail of breadcrumbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what you do. There's no training for that. Yeah.

It's like scrawling the name of your killer in blood on the mirror. Yeah. You know. After he told me my room number and we made it clear that that's not okay. I asked, why, why did you do that, dude? Turns out it was an old man shooting a shot. No. He just, yeah, yep, just shooting a shot.

He wanted to ask me out, wanted to. Well, his wife was there? Right? None of it makes sense. Was this like Rodney Dangerfield? Yeah, yeah. All right, well, I think somebody's got to ask, was he hot? Yeah, this is for real.

And did you hook up? Oh, okay. I mean, you know, it's just that that level of self-confidence usually is accompanied by good-lookingness, you know? You would think so. I mean, you have a confidence to back it up, but holy crap. Wow. Maybe like 36, 37 at the time. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I immediately, after that fizzled out, I immediately went to the front desk because he had told me that the front desk gave them my room number. Oh, hell no. us chatting in the lobby because she assumed that we knew each other. That's, yeah. Fucking Bergen. You know what's crazy to. I had some choice words. I feel like when you're on vacation and not in your home too, like you will spiral 10

times. Oh, sure. Like, and by yourself. And by yourself. Yeah. Did you ask him? Did you ask him to change rooms? So here's the thing.

I went back and forth on this for a little bit and I'll still kick myself. It was my last night in Bergen. And after I had told off the lady at the front desk that admitted what she had done, I just left it at that. And then I wrote an email to corporate, like, once I got home and it had, like, my emotion subtle. Yeah. I do think I probably should have changed rooms.

But once I found out that it was just an old man shooting a shot and, like, he just went about it in a very 1920s way. Yeah, totally. But still, you know. Do you have his number and will you hook me up? send that come on is you know drive around Florida I'm sure we could find them

you know if there's that much smoke there's got to be some fire if you know what I mean yeah all right well Jackie thank you so much I'm glad I'm glad you're safe same me too thank you so much you'll have a great day you too thank you all right thank you

that just reminded me of a story of my dad's that I think I've told before on my other podcast but my dad Well, first of all, he's gay. You need to know that. That's what broke up he and my mom, you know, because it is inconvenient.

Yeah. Yeah. Didn't know this. Okay. But he's gay. He's been out since I was four. Oh. And he also, he taught the Russian language.

He was a Russian teacher. Cool. Which he had learned in the Army. Okay. We're not ethnically Russian or anything. No, you're like Norwegian or something, right? We're a little bit of everything north. Italy, frankly, you know. But he would take groups of students for about 18 years. He'd take

groups of students over to study and travel and learn Russian. And they would go to different places. And he did it before the Iron Curtain fell and then after. And he was in Tbilisi, Georgia. And they had a guide that was taking him around. And my dad thought, you know, I'm going to ask him like if there's a gay bar in town just to be, you know, to see if Yeah. You know, like why not? I'm gonna, you know, I help me.

If he has a problem, he has a problem. So my dad told him and he's saying it. And I don't know. I think he was trying to say it in Georgian to the guy. But he said, you know, he told this guy, I'm gay. And I was wondering if there's any bars around where people like me might hang. Right. And the guy went, you're gay?

And he's like, yeah. yeah, I'm gay. He's like, you don't look gay. He's just like, talks him out of it. He's like, and my dad's like, no, no, I'm gay. I mean, but it's not a big deal. I'm very open about it. I've been open for years.

All my students, no, it's not a big deal. And the guy goes, well, I mean, there is this one place. And he told my dad where this place was. My dad remarked on the strangeness of it to someone else in the group who knew Georgian. And apparently my dad, the words for homosexual and the words for little person are very similar. I think it's gomic and gnomic. And my dad had been standing there. And my dad's six foot two, insisting that he was a little person.

Like, no, no, no. I truly am a little person. The guy's like, okay. And when he told me this story, I was like, well, what is this bar? Right. And he's like, apparently. It was next door to the circus, and it's where all the circus performers go. And I was like, did you go?

He's like, why would I do that? Because. Because it's a fucking circus bar in Tbilisi, Dad. Oh. No, heavens, no. The missed opportunity. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God, this is amazing story. I know, I know. It's one of his best. And he's got some good ones. I'm going to take my daughter there before she turns one. Yeah, yeah. Where's the circus bar? Oh my God, that's beautiful.

Let's go back to the phones. David from Oklahoma. Yeah. Hi. Good, good. How are you? Excellent, excellent. So I have an interesting story.

I was on a plane on the way to Hawaii. And, you know, a lot of those flights are overnight or like late night. Yeah. And I was, exactly, exactly. I was sitting there kind of getting comfortable for the flight, getting ready. They turn all the lights off in the plane. We're starting to move. and all of a sudden I feel hands from behind reaching over and kind of grabbing my face.

I'm like, what the hell could this be? So I like turn around in the seat and there's a guy reaching through the seat around over and grabbing my face. So I'm like, it's so overwhelming to me at the time. I'm like, I don't really know what to do with this. Yeah, it fries your wiring when something that weird happens. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So unreal that that would happen.

And so I was like, what in the check is going on? So I'm like looking at passengers, you know, like trying to see if anybody else had seen this. And he's got his eyes closed. And so I'm like, okay, maybe this is just some weird thing or whatever. So I just kind of like not going to create any issues. Oh, my God. Well, sure enough, he reaches over again and like fish hooks me this time.

Stop it. Like literally just puts his fingers in my mouth. I'm like, okay, this is enough. So I kind of slap his hands. Oh my gosh. His eyes are kind of half open. Like he's like half asleep, half awake. Yeah.

And one of the passengers is like, I think he's trying to get his travel pillow that fell. And so I grabbed the travel pillow and kind of like put it in his hands. His hands are still reaching for my face. Yeah. And I put the travel pillow in his hands. And then he kind of, I guess, is fine from there. and so everything calms down and I'm relaxed or whatever. It's like, it takes a while.

But then I'm sitting there and I feel a banging up against my seat. And I turn around and I look through the crack of the seat. And he's literally banging his head up against the back of the seat. No. And so at this point, a flight attendant is noticing this and comes over and is like, is everything okay? And I'm like, well, I'm not really sure what's going on with this guy. The answer is no.

No. Nothing, not her, everything is not all right. Horrifying. Nothing is okay. You're, I mean, the, the amount of patients. I've been on Ambien. Oh, really? He was, he was on Ambien?

He was on, she had, he had taken an Ambien for the flight, apparently. Oh, wow. And, um, she was like, I'm so sorry, you know, he's just, he has some sleepwalking issues or whatever. How did she know? You know, the flight attendant's like, no, no worries, no worries. no worries, like, we'll figure this out. No worries. Well, then, you know, I wake up.

I fall asleep. I finally fall asleep after all this, and my heart was racing for a while. Yeah. Finally wake up. And he's standing, like, I'm in the aisle. He's standing next to me, looking down at me. I can't.

And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, literally like the walking dead. Yeah. And he just says standing there. And so the flight attendant comes over and, like, him back to his seat. It happens two or three times. She finally ends up falling over me at one point. It was the three stooges. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, so, and he accosted a few other people on the flight. And then at the very

end of the flight when we landed, he finally kind of woke up. And he was like, man, that was such a quiet flight. And there was a baby next to us. And he was, he was, he saw the baby. And he was like, man, I didn't hear that baby make a peep the whole flight. And all the people around. And us were like, oh my God, like rolling your eyes. Did anybody tell him? No, no, that's the thing is it was super awkward. I would have loved to give him a recap. Same.

Yeah. Yeah. He's been fisting your mouth. Oh, my God. I feel bad I'm like laughing because I, this is truly traumatic. Like anything on a plane is awful. Anything a little bit out of the ordinary. But like, oh my God.

I had a friend on Ambien that was a vegetarian her whole life, and she took Ambien and she drove to Del Taco or like Burger King and she ate like a thousand meat products. Wow. And she doesn't remember it. Wow. Well, then it doesn't count. It doesn't count. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you display in the story an amazing level of patience and grace towards this person because I would have been like, well, thank you.

Well, thank you. You know, it was difficult. But it was an older gentleman and I just felt bad. How long ago was this? See, now they have duct tape and they don't put up with that. Imagine he wakes up from not knowing from Amphiness. Whoa. I dreamed I heard the ripping of tape.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry that happened to you. But I want to fly next to you whenever I fly. You're an upstanding citizen. Yeah. Hopefully that's the only time I get fish hooked on a plane. Fish. That's amazing.

I had a flight once, and because someone else was paying for it, I was in first class, because it's part of our guild rules, thank God. And it was a night flight. I don't know if it was a red eye, but my seatmate was a very effete Asian gentleman and kind of looked like very fashionably dressed. like Com de Gerson kind of like looked like he was like an art director

from a movie script or something. And we did not speak a word and I and then I started I dozed off shortly into the flight and I was dreaming and I was dreaming that I was reaching for something

and I had you know that sort of like twilight sleep awareness especially when you're on a plane you're like wait a minute I'm on a plane I realized I'm on a plane and I woke up and my hand was a half an inch from this man's face like hanging in air in front of his face and he was absolutely paralyzed. It was like just like completely frozen looking like, help me. And I, you know, and I immediately was like, I mean, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. You're dreaming. Oh my gosh. You did the same thing. I know. I mean, but in a very short way, and I pulled up, you know, I pulled out of the nose dive. I'm crying. I felt so bad for him, you know.

And then, yeah, and then years, I saw a documentary about the movie or the famous restaurant, Mr. Chow. And I think it might have been Mr. Chow. But that I don't know for sure. There's no way. It was. It was. All right, it was Mr. Chow. I fucked with Mr. Chow.

Oh, that's hilarious. Well, David, thank you so much for the call. Yeah. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Great story. Thank you. All right, 855-266-2-604. We're telling travel tales here. Me and Tam are taking them.

Jason from Delaware, you're next. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. My travel story, 1998. I'm 24 years old. I'm driving from San Francisco where my dad lives to Billings, Montana, where I live.

Okay. I've got a 1987 Ford Taurus. Very reliable. I want a trailer. Oh, even more reliable. Yes, yes. I get to Lovelock, Nevada. It's 1 o'clock in the morning.

I fill my car up with gas when gas was cheap at that time. Drive away. Nine miles out of town, my car breaks down. And what was terrible about this is, one, your car breaks down. We've all had our car breakdown, right? But I'm poor. I go like $40 to my name. Yeah, yeah.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning. Ah. I have no money to fix it. You're entirely at the mercy of everyone else to make things better. I don't have a cell phone. It's 1998. I have a trailer on my car. I'm not going to walk nine miles back into Lovelock and get there at like 4 o'clock in the morning.

Like, what am I going to do? So again, you're at the mercy of everyone else to make your life better. Because otherwise, I'm just going to sit in that car until the morning and just pray someone drives by to save me. Yeah. And I look to my right. And not murder you, which is a big plus. They not murder you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like I don't want to die in the middle of Nevada.

Right. You know, whatever. I got a trailer. That means something's inside of it. Maybe it's a force inside of it. Who knows? I look to my right and I see Lovelock correctional facility, no stopping. Oh, no. I know, but it's good. It's an, oh, yes. So the left, I see it in interchange. I see a bunch of lights from cops, lights going on.

And I think, oh, good, if I'm stopped outside a place, I can't stop. Someone's going to come by. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so outside of the correctional facility, it turns out to be a good thing. In minutes, a cop pulls up. I'm saved. And it turns out the reason he pulled up so quickly is because there had been a prison break.

Wow. Which is what all the lights were on, the cop lights off to the left. Yeah. At the interchange over there. like lots of cops driving around. Right, right. So I'm saying, like, I've never been so happy for there to be in a prison break in my entire life. Thank you, criminal.

Yeah, yeah. Was it you that was the escape? Yeah. Yeah. What a plan that would be? Listen, you guys break out, I'll get a Ford Taurus with a trailer. We'll load up the trailer with convicts. It would be perfect, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah. Did he ask to see in the trailer and, you know, and check everything? No, I was like a long-heard hippie. I didn't look like a, I was like, I looked like exactly what I was, like the world's poorest college student with $40 to the thing. Yeah. I explained my situation. But again, I'm at the emergency of everyone.

The only way I get out of the situation is because I need someone to help me. Yes. I can't pay out of the way. Yes. You were relying on the kindness of strangers just like Blanche Dubois. Yes. Yes. But I'm not as, I'm not, I'm not like charming or attractive like Blanche Dubois.

Okay. I'm a long-heard hippie that some police. policeman is going to look at and think, oh, that's what you got, which is weird because I joined the military later on. Oh, wow. And then I got the short hair. It looked just like the cop. Nice.

Look like a cop in 1998. He drives me back to town. And this is the kind of small town in Nevada where it's a one casino town. Cool. And the thing is, if you're going to break down, Nevada is great. They got casinos. We grew up 24-7. Yeah.

So we drive us now off the casino because he's got some escape eating to go capture. Sure. Right. There's still that issue. Yeah. I'm kind of low on the scale of importance for that evening. Yeah, yeah. And what's funny is I got a lot of sympathy because the people I'm talking to in the,

the kind of people you're going to expect to see in a casino at like, now it's about 2 o'clock in the morning, where everyone told me, no one voluntarily comes to Lovelock. Right. Everyone just broke down and then stayed there. Whoa. Yeah, like that's what happens. No one really wants to go there.

he takes me i think the i think the problem with my car is oil he takes me to a place i buy oil he drives me all the back to my car put the oil in my car it's not the oil then he calls up the tow truck guy who comes now like three o'clock in the morning the four o'clock in the morning the tow truck guy comes out to to me four o'clock in morning gets awakened i have no money i can't pay this guy at least the cop is paid by someone's taxpayer dollars puts my car on the on the bed of his uh uh tow truck It's one of those cool things where you can pull it up in a ramp and pull it up, pull it up in the bed. And it attaches my trailer to the back of the truck.

He drives me back to his house for free, lets me stay on the floor of his living room. His wife comes out and, like, when his husband comes home, he's like, oh, he's just staying here for the night. And just lets me stay on the floor. Wake up in the morning, fix my car in 15 minutes. He charges me, it was a transmission problem. Charges me $10. Oh, my God. This entire thing, $10.

I don't have enough money to pay him for anything. I kept the policeman a card. He had a car business card. He was so kind to me. Like, who explains in 2026? I was so happy to see the cop pull up behind me. Yeah. But I was.

Wow. So I would call him up for like every year after that. Thank you for picking me. I lost his card eventually. Yeah. I would call him up because it was just so kind to me. Wow. you're at the mercy of everyone else to help you.

Yeah, yeah. You got lucky, though. You did. I did, including criminals. I think you found out why people stay in love luck. You know what? It was the universe telling you you should stay. Yeah, and you should go back now and correct it all.

Unpack your trailer, both most physically and metaphorically. No, I just, I'm glad to sell phones now. I'm glad I have cell phones and I'm glad I have more than $40. Yes, and credit cards. That's terrifying. Credit cards. Being at the mercy of literally everyone else. Absolutely.

No, no, I, listen, I've been there, you know, when I was in college and, you know, that I had similar. My brother and I, I think we're in high school. We might have been in college. We broke down in the middle of Illinois, rural Illinois, in his 73 Buick century, and we had to walk across a soybean field to get to a little sort of trailer farmhouse. and we knocked and said, can we call someone?

And they said, yeah. And they said, but it's a party line. In like 19, whatever that would have, I mean, it would have been like in the 80s. It's a party line and somebody else is on the phone. So you got to wait until they get done with their conversation. So we had to sit in their, like, in their trailer, then finally got on the phone with the tow truck guy.

And he's like, it'll be a couple hours. And then again, with these people. They were nice, but they didn't, you know. Yeah. They didn't go out of the way. They were just like, yeah, go ahead, sit there. And I think my brother and I, after a while, we're like, we'll go sit in a car.

Like, it's like less awkward than this. One time I ran out of gas in the middle of the street. So I walked to a gas station. I bought one of those like containers. Yeah, plastic cans, yeah. And I was like, fill it with oil. I don't know what happened. I think I was stoned.

Okay. And then I walked back to my car. I put the thing in my, and I filled my gas tank with oil. Damn. Oh, my God. And I was like, gas is so cheap here. Oh, damn. Oh, damn.

It was not a total loss, but almost. Yeah. They had to light my car on fire so the oil would consume itself. Wow. Oh, that's, you know. Now, you know what? I was not alarmed about you having a child until right now. You know, you got to put food in the top in.

Jason, thank you for the call. Thank you so much. All right. All right. We got more time here. Dan from Pittsburgh. How are you, Dan? Tam and I.

Good, Andy. This is awesome. Hey, Tam. Great to talk to you, too. This is really, really cool. Oh, thank you, Dan. Yeah, so like your earlier caller, I'm a musician. I was on tour with my band several years ago.

And this was on Halloween. we were driving into Philadelphia. And the thing about this tour is we borrowed a van from a friend of ours, and this van was actually a retrofitted police van, where they took out like the siren and like all that stuff. And we replaced with like a loudspeaker that would play like sound effects. Oh my God, incredible. And like this and stuff.

So it was really cool. And there was like, you know, seven of us in the band. So we all kind of like, you know, jammed into the, into the van. and went on a little tour. And we're driving to Philadelphia and we're stuck in traffic right outside of Philadelphia on Halloween. And we pull up next to a woman who was dressed as a cat. So we thought it would be really funny since we had this loudspeaker set up

to start playing cat meows as we were driving next to her. We're all stuck in traffic. Make her looking around. Make her feel at home. Make her feel at home. Literally cat calling her. And she's like, she's looking around and, like, wondering, like, where is this meowing coming from? And eventually she looks over at us and sees this, like, van full of, like, shaggy-looking hippies just, like, cracking up.

And I think she finally put it together that, for whatever reason, this van was making meow noises out. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, that's basically, I would just thought it was a fun, fun puny thing. Is the band still around? We are not. We want our separate ways in 2019. This is how they began. In a cop van.

Now, wait, my question, just for my own visualization purposes, were there bench seats or was it like a paddy wagon? You know, it was more like, I can't remember exactly. I remember I had to kind of like sit in between in the front between our drummer was driving and our bass player was sitting, you know, kind of a shotgun. And there wasn't really a seat for me either. I was kind of like. Sat on the floor. Yeah, you were loose. Yeah, wow.

Yeah. Yeah. I think there were maybe two rows of like bench kind of seats behind. Okay. We were a pretty large ensemble. Yeah. And then we had a bunch of, you know, the air packed in the back too. Rough touring life.

I saw my husband. His band started out like that and it's so hard. I would not have it. Now they're in a fancy tour bus, which is still kind of awful. but it's amazing. And yeah, no, it's certainly better than a band. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, Dan, thank you so much for the call.

Yeah. Yum, meow. Oh, Andy, I just wanted to say one more thing. Yes. Andy Richter controls the universe has one of my favorite jokes of all time, and it's the joke where you turned a billion seconds years old, a trillion seconds old. I think about that all the time, and it's just so funny.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. Thanks so much, Dan. It's really cool to be talking to you. Oh, thank you. You're the best, Andy. Oh, geez. That's the reason I have this show is I just love to hear good things about me.

It should be the Andy Richter Butter Him Up show. And I'll be your guest every time. All right, let's see. Last caller from Wisconsin. And oh, it's exciting. It's a wild card. Chris. Andy, camera.

Hey. Oh. Give us that wild card, man. All right. Thanks again for taking my call. I've talked to you a couple times, Andy. Okay. You never you, Tamara. It's awesome.

Andy, just love it. Just wanted to give you a coots for your dancing with the stars, brother. That was fucking awesome. Oh, thanks. Yes. Yeah, we're about the same frame. And I know what you were going through. You're going through a knee replacement, hip replacement, all that shit.

You just kicked fucking ass. Oh, thanks. Thank you. That's right. Thank you. Thank you. Just want to throw that in there. Not being just a kiss ass.

No, no. Listen, thank you. But so, okay, I'm going back to your cop stories. Oh, good. Episode a few times ago. So this was back in, I worked, I lived in Colorado. A couple of my stories were with Colorado also. But anyways, in Colorado, I had gotten in trouble,

the DUI, had to do some, I got work release. So I'm on work release, doing everything that I'm supposed to do and la-di-da, I come back from work, go back to, you know, whatever, to the jail. I have to do my alcohol classes, so I have to leave. And I get on the bus. This is in Denver, Colorado, by the way. So I'm going to my classes and stuff, and got my headphones on. There's a major snowstorm going on.

Thank God the buses were still running. So I get there. Like I said, I'm listening to headphones. And right across the street from the place I do my counseling, or not counseling, but the classes I had to do, is a 7-11. And I'm like, I'm going to get some hot chocolate and some shit for, class and I get off the bus and walk across the street and you know like I said like a son of a bitch and I'm walking up the parking lot almost to the door just get come up to the

cars that are you know parked right there it's like you know just a pull-up 7-11 not a show sure sure yeah yeah pull up and I'm walking between two trucks and I'm halfway between almost to the doors and then all of a sudden bam bam boom I'm on the fucking ground facing the snow and keep in mind I got headphones on so I can't I'm not hearing nothing you know I can't hear anything and boom I'm in on the in the snow there's six seven inches of snow underground and bam I'm in there and there's a gun to the back of my head and all my headphones get left off freeze motherfucker and I'm like shit I almost pissed my pants and shit him at the same time I thought I would I mean I was scared shit like yeah what the fuck's the

Yeah. I'm going to my classes. I'm going to my classes. Sad. If you get, yeah, if you're any, any cops or anybody talks to you, you're supposed to, you know, I just saying, I'm going to class, going to, what the fuck, what the fuck? And it turns out, I walked between the cop vehicle and a drug vehicle that they had, we were going to bust.

Oh, my God. Wow. At the same time. Yeah. walking between them. And these people, these guys had like a couple of kilos of meth and cocaine. I turned,

found out afterwards. And yeah, I would just, I walked by the wrong place at the wrong time. Face in the ground. Dunded my back of my fucking head. Excuse me for cussing so much. Oh,

that's okay. Don't worry about it. Shit in my pants. You know, and I'm, you know, keep in mind, too. I'm in snow,

slush. Yeah, all the stuff that, you know, I'm like, I'm kind of got upset. I'm like, why the hell did you guys tackle me?

How long is it? You were coming up to, you're in the way on top of all, so they thought I was coming up to maybe. Oh, to do it, yeah. And I'm like, well, Jesus Christ, I had fucking headphones on. That's what I told the guys. They had fucking headphones on.

I couldn't hear nothing. Yeah. I hope you were listening to like Enia's Orinoco flow. Right, right. No, metallic at the time. Be honest. Oh, my God. Just pumping you up.

up even more. But also, like, didn't they bust their own drug deal by like blowing their load on you? Is that? Nope. Because there was much more other guys were killed. I was the first guy to go down and then

other guys were coming up and cut, because then there was like flashing in all kinds of shit. It was, I was in just, right place or no, wrong place, right time, right place, wrong time. I mean, it was, it just, I don't know how to say it. But how long, yeah.

How long did it? take them, how long did it take them to believe you? Oh, seconds, because I pulled out my fucking, you have to carry an ID on you at all times when you're, this is back at, like I said, this was, um, what it, 92, 93. Yeah. Um, when this was going on. So you had to carry an ID on you for work release on top of your other ID. So I mean, I had that.

I mean, it was on a laminate, you know, I just like, yeah, here I am. Yeah, yeah. I'm going across the street here. and it took, you know, a few, you know, it didn't take long, but at the same time, I still was caught, you know, scared, you know, and I'm like, Jesus, right. And also wet. Wet and cold. Wet and cold, too, to go to class.

Wet and cold and watching all this shit go on. I said, I have nothing to do with this. I'm saying it. I got nothing to do with this. You're going to class. Shit, I had a back. And I also had a backpack on with stuff with Darrell that is because I was coming, And came to the jail, went right from jail to work,

and I had my backpack on. So I mean, I kind of looked. See, long hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I would have knocked you down to. No offense. Chris, we got to run. We got to run.

We're hitting the end of the hour here. So thank you so much for the call. Good to hear from me again. And I appreciate it. Sure, thank you. I appreciate everything. I'll be calling. All right.

Have a good one. Thank you so much. Well, Tam, this is the part of the show where we pick our favorite story. And I think, go ahead. The plain fish hook one. It's so fucking. No, it's amazing. A stranger's hands in your mouth when you can't even see them.

You need to do an episode that's just plain stories. Have you ever been fish hooked? Like, me? Incredible. Well, let's see. That's it for us. Thank you so much, Dan. It's great to see you.

And good luck. Thank you. And Mazel Tov on the baby. I'll be sending you picks. All right. I can't wait to see. Oh, that's fine with me. That shit's interesting.

Don't forget, go by Tam's book. Cry for me, Argentina. My life is a failed child star. It's in paperback and it's not as disgusting as it used to be. But still disgusting. Still disgusting. Still wonderfully disgusting. And I'll be back here next week.

I got Scott Ackerman here. and we're going to be talking weird injuries. Weird injuries. 855-266-2-604. I release you. I love you. Goodbye. Conan Albright.