The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Thomas Lennon

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Actor and writer Thomas Lennon joins Andy Richter to discuss the highs and lows of life in Chicago, spooky mansions, the agreement between Tom’s theater department and the Undertaker Vice Lords, getting initiated in the Boy Scout secret society, scamming grocery stories, and his role in the new Netflix film, “Unfrosted.” Plus Andy and Tom try to remember if they’ve ever been in a project together. Hey there! Do you want to talk to Andy live on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio? Leave a voicemail at 855-266-2604 or fill out this Google Form! 

Hello everybody and welcome back to the three questions. I am your host Andy Richter and this week I am talking to the actor and writer Thomas Lennon. Although I call him Tom. You've seen him in Reno 911 I love you man 17 again and his work with the state He's also a successful screenwriter whose credits include the night at the museum films the pacifier Baywatch and more You can see Thomas now in the new Netflix film Unfrosted. Now before my chat with Tom, I wanted to once again remind you guys that I am working on an upcoming call-in show for SiriusXM's Conan O'Brien Radio, and I want to hear from you! We've recorded a few episodes with guests like Sonam Afsesian, Andy Daly,

Laurie Kilmartin. If you want to be a part of this new show, you can call 855-266-2604 or fill out the Google form in the description for this podcast episode. And now, enjoy my really fun and freewheeling conversation with the wonderful, wonderful Thomas Lennon. I like to record. How'd you smash your fingers? This is a... You can open any window, Andy. If you are willing to fuck up yourself. Any window will open. Well, what happened?

Oh, you know I'm a compulsive cleaner. Yeah, yeah. I didn't, but okay. I am, and I got these double hung windows because I live in this old hand cut park. I live in this old spooky mansion. Yeah, I'm living, I moved to Pasadena, I live in a house that was-

Spooky mansion? 1907, but the reason we could afford it is because it, I live in a house that was- Spooky Mansion? 1907. But the reason we could afford it is because it was a full on haunted house. Spooky Mansion, yeah. Oh, it was run down. 1907 for California is basically like 1700 in Connecticut. Precisely, yeah. This is an old residence.

Yeah, no ghosts though, kind of disappointed. Yeah, but you might find actual Spanish gold. You know? You really might. So anyway, we got these crazy windows. Yeah, and the cleaning windows. And I've never screamed so loud. For those following along at home, I got those two, those bruised finger looks. Yeah, yeah.

Which is a great, great look. It looks, yeah. For a second, I thought you were doing like a Lou Reed. Goth. Thought I was doing a Goth. Yeah, Lou Reed Transformer kind of thing. Could I pull off a Lou Reed Transformer thing, do you think?

I think you could. As me, the sort of guy who plays little Nazis and principals and. Sure, why not? You think, okay. Yeah, people would think like, yeah, he just does that so that when he's strolling around LA, people know.

Oh yeah. Yeah, no, he's, that's not who he is. Every time I did every movie and everything you've ever seen me in, that was me doing a bit. Cause I'm actually a guy who gets tons of BJs and I'm a straight up goth. Uh, yeah.

Yeah. I think I had you all fooled with every part of my personality. I am so gloomy. I get puss on the reg. The bummer is I am really, I am as gloomy as a real goth. Yeah.

Yeah. I just dress like some sort of, I dress like Tucker Carlson am really, I am as gloomy as a real Goth. Yeah, yeah. I just dress like some sort of, I dress like Tucker Carlson. No, I always, that's the way I feel like if people, cause I, like my line for myself is that I usually, I dress like most of the time like Rosie O'Donnell on vacation. But I do feel like, yeah, but if people just knew,

you know, what a dark motherfucker is underneath those Land's End t-shirts, boy, they'd be surprised. Anyways, good to see you. It's good to see you. We've been neighbors for a long time. Well, we were neighbors for a long time. We were neighbors for a long time. Last time you were living in this neighborhood,

you had to run out to the street nude. A car had just hit your car and you were fully nude. No, I wasn't fully nude. I'm like the story better the way I'm telling it. No. I was in a towel. Yeah. My family was out of town, it was just me and the dogs.

And I was, and I had been for a skinny dip. Yeah. In our backyard. Like you do, yeah, sure. Just wrapped a towel around myself, was watching TV and heard, because we lived on a very big Highland Avenue. I'm well aware.

You lived in a place, I was always like, poor Andy. I know. I was like, once he gets his shit together, living on a Highland is basically like living on like runway four at LAX. Precisely. You are in a landing strip.

Although, you know, when we moved there, we, well, we had rented on the West Side in the Palisades for a year, quickly realized this is not our scene. No, no, yeah, you're not those people. Agents and managers and whatever. You're nice Midwestern stock. Right, right. So, we were looking over here and we actually,

the reason that we got that house, and it was a lovely house, but it was on a very, very busy street. Yeah. The reason we got that house, because it was a lovely house, but it was on a very, very busy street. The reason we got that house, because we were in escrow for another house, and the guy fucking shit the bed on us. And we had like literally a week before our lease was up

and we had to move out of our rented house. I feel like you got hand-packed. No, no, no, no hand-packing. Just like the fact was we had to get out of that other house. It was like maybe two weeks. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no in Wisconsin, I live like Justin Bieber. Really? Yeah, it's big. I mean, you drink a lot of cough syrup. You know those Calabasas mansions you see, you're like, does that person have that many hit songs? They can't have that many songs.

I guess they do. But in Wisconsin, you take LA money to Wisconsin. Wisconsin is the Calabasas to me, so yeah, exactly. You know how stuff gets real big out of Calabasas? You see aerial photos of people who are like influencers and they're like, they have a hedge maze? That's me in Wisconsin. A guy I know that's like a relatively successful actor

decided to move to Nashville. And he's telling me he's got- Not the most original idea these days. I was down there. Everybody thought of that. I know, but he has a house that's 5,000 square feet. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Which is like, I just really, what are you, are you just like storing bikes in one of the rooms? Did you notice that I didn't react because my Wisconsin house is substantially bigger than that. Oh, is it really? Is it really? I just tried to look, the cameras were looking at me.

Oh wow, 5,000. I tried to show no reaction. Oh wow, 5,000. 5,000, yeah, that's crazy. This guy sounds like a real douchebag. What's yours like 13,000? That's not even gonna mention, not even gonna talk about it.

Not even gonna talk about it. I mean, are there some rooms you've never been in? There were rooms that I had never seen when we bought it. Yeah, because we bought it on a Zoom. You know, the world was crazy for a little while. It was all COVID type stuff. So it would probably helped the price. It helped tremendously.

Yeah, yeah. Again, remember I'm like a, you know, top of the top of the beat list, you know? So like. Well, no, you, I mean, you've, you've. I'm busy, but yeah. You're very busy and you have sourced in comes from many.

Yes. You tapped many trees to get different kinds of syrup. I've also done a lot of this stuff for free. Right. Just to be completely honest. Of course, of course. Is the other part of doing this. Of course, yeah.

But no, we did get, we got very lucky when we bought a house in Los Angeles. The timing was great and yeah, it was. And you're from Chicago, Rich. I'm from Chicago, yes. I mean, I'm 75 minutes to O'Hare. Yeah, yeah. Which is incredible,

because sometimes to get to LAX from anywhere in LA is 75 minutes. Oh, it's ridiculous. But people are angry the whole way. Yeah. That's what's crazy. Although I do think about like, you know, I grew up, because I grew up kind of west of.

Wait, what's up, where are you from? I grew up in Yorkville. Right, I'm from Oak Park. But you're like a collar community, you know, you're right there on the edge of the city. I mean, the last three L stops are, are, so, you know, it's very, very easy down town. Yeah, yeah.

Oak Park for people to not know is a beautiful, like, architecturally, like a pristine, like the Florence of Chicago. I'm not from that street. Uh-huh. Well, no, that's not true. I actually am from the street that the Frank Lloyd Wright and Holman Studio was on.

Yeah, yeah. But way, way, way up the street, on three blocks up in a house where my mom was a hoarder. So sometimes you think of Oak Park and you're like, oh, it's all a John Hughes movie and people are like pool hopping. I'm from a slightly different part of that street share.

Just to be... Well, and also you go a little bit east in Oak Park and then you're on the west side of Chicago. Oh, no, no. We used to, in high school when we were in Oak Park and then you're on the west side of Chicago. Oh no, no, no, we used to, in high school, when we were in the theater department, we would get cocaine from the Undertaker Vice Lords. Oh wow.

This was just a thing you would do. Um, it was just an agreement that we had. Sure, sure. Here's how it worked. We were in the theater department. Right. And then we met some guys in the Undertaker Vice Lords. And.

Where? At an audition? That's the great thing about Oak Park, the great thing about Oak Park is you're gonna meet somebody, maybe over at the ET Gas or something. Sure, or you're getting yourself a beef for a hot dog and yeah. Yeah, you're getting a beef, exactly.

I was usually buying cigarettes actually. Usually you go over to the ET Gas, you buy a cigarette. Cigarettes at the time are 90 cents. Anyway, we met a couple guys who were in the Undertaker Vice Lords and they can get you just the perfect little tiny bag of cocaine. Kids, this is, I'm not saying do this.

No. Like I'm not saying join The Undertaker Vice Lords and make friends with the musical theater kids. Or do. Or vice versa. Or maybe I am. Or vice versa. But maybe I am, you know?

We used to talk about making this country great. That's when the country was great. It was reasonable. Yeah. Yeah. I, just a matter of blocks from there. I worked when I was a production assistant. Wait on which one?

On what? I don't remember exactly, but it was just that Loretto Hospital. Oh sure, yeah, yeah. Was just on the other side of that. There was, we shot in some old industrial, I was a commercial and I was a production assistant on the commercial

after I got out of college and we shot there till late. And then I, you know, it was my job to pack everything up and put it on the truck and drive it back. And it was probably 3, 34 o'clock in the morning. At Loretto Hospital. Yeah. And you know, a few blocks past, but I was- I would have said, maybe don't do that.

Well, but I'm in a, you know, I'm in a truck, I'm driving and I mean, you know, I've driven, I've been in production since I'm driven all over the city, but I was, I was heading east back in the city and stopped at a red light and a police car pulled like through the intersection and did a big U-turn and came back and pulled up next to me and they roll your window down. I rolled my window down.

I rolled my window down and the cop went, what the fuck are you doing? I said, hey, genius. I said, yeah, I'm waiting at a red light. Are you, go, go. Are you trying, you're trying to be a bait car. You just wanna be a fucking bait car. Cause right now my friend, you're bait.

I said to him, look, nobody can fence Panavision lenses, so don't worry about it, because that's what I got back there. Oh my God. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, that's what I love about Chicago. Chicago's like, the highs are always really high,

and then every once in a while, you're in a standoff where guns are out. It has happened. Oh yeah, no, I- It happened to me on the steps of the Art Institute, where my dad worked. Oh my God. Yeah, we were in the middle of a pursuit,

and we're just casually, me and my girlfriend, back in the day, smooching on the steps of the Art Institute, and then suddenly, she's like, get the fuck on the ground! Get on the ground! Everybody on the ground! You're like, Chicago. No, I, another time I was, uh, I was at it.

I, it was like in a wicker park intersection, Damon and whatever the diagonal streets that crosses Damon. And then, and then I don't remember the, cause it's been a long time, but I was sitting there again, one or two o'clock in the morning had been at a friend's house, I'm sitting going northbound on Damon, and next to me in the left turn lane was what I just assumed to be an old Polish lady. Because in that neighborhood, she was in a big old Lincoln. A big boat car.

She was smoking like a 120. Like a Eve or a Virginia Virginia slam or something like that. And she's sitting at, you know, I look and I just clock and I just assume she's an old Polish lady because that neighborhood is very Polish. And then another car comes through, again, through the intersection, makes a big looping U-turn. And then I see the teenager walking across the empty lot in the corner and the car as they pass by the teenager, they open fire on the teenager and they're shooting and I just am watching it as like

I'm watching it on TV and the gun passes, you know, it fires right past me, you know, no bullets hit around me or anything, but they definitely, when they were shooting at the kid, it went right by me. And then they peeled off, the kid ran away. And I looked next to me and the old Polish lady is laying down on the seat. She's laying down on the seat. And I thought, and then, but no, she's still smoking. Don't put up the eve. It costs money. This costs money, asshole. Okay? That's money. Yeah, yeah. This cost money, asshole. Okay? She instantly, when she heard shots, you know, must lie down. Again, this third time today. Yeah. Third time today. And then she sat back up, peeled out through the red light. I was sitting there like just, hey, and then I thought, oh, maybe I should lay down. And I started to lay down and I was like,

what am I doing? And then I went through the red light myself. But I just, it was like so evident to me, when the shit goes down, I'm a dead man. Well, we all think, what are we gonna do when the shit goes down? Chicago, here's the thing about Chicago. You get to find out all the time how you will respond in a crisis

because there's one coming. If you just left one, there's another one coming. So here's one of my, I only take the L in Chicago. I'm not going to pay these $90 Ubers. I don't want to go, I'm not going to, and I don't want to teach my son that we all have to Uber everywhere. Like, I don't like that idea that like we were just soft weirdos who have to be in Ubers. So we take the L, always take the L.

Now the L has gotten really interesting since weed got legal because every L train basically now is also a hotbox sauna of this world's strongest weed, which I was not really ready for. And it's kind of hard to escape. They're actually token of the condo. Yeah, folks are hotboxing the L cars. So you're always, as me, I get panic attacks from weed, so it's always, I get a little bit of panic, but then again, you know, me, Boy Scout, Chicago guy,

I'm like, I'm taking the L. You're never gonna make me not take the L. But I got to find out how I would react to something pretty recently, and here's what it was. I was FaceTiming my wife Jenny on the phone, I was getting on the L, and you know, it's always like a little bit of a brag too, like I'm just like, I Jenny on the phone. I was getting on the L. And you know, it's always like a little bit of a brag too. Like I'm just like, I'm on the L.

Cause I'm that guy. I'm a man of the people. But you know, I don't care how much square footage I've got in Wisconsin. I'm still a man of the people and everybody loves me. I'm standing next to a guy. There's the smell of hot box of weed coming. And then the guy standing next to me says,

go, just go, run, run. And I was unaware what was going on. There's a little bit of commotion in the front. And I think there's about to be a shooting on the L train. So the doors have been opened and me and this guy and everybody's grabbing and we're fleeing like the way you would flee. It turns out, I flee, but what I actually was fleeing,

it turns out, was a dude smoking a huge blunt who was, do you know those backyard things you put on a sprinkler for fun that makes the sprinkler turn in like a clown? He was peeing like that. He had his dong out and a giant blunt, and his dong was out and he was just spinning in a circle whizzing in the front of the Elkar. And when I realized that's what it was, I ran faster and it made me realize I

might've like, if it had been somebody with a gun, maybe I would have been, tried to be a hero and run and helped. But as soon as I found out it was a dong out whizzing thing, get me out of there. No, I will not help with that. You know, the notion of like putting your life on the line. I don't know how you feel about this sort of thing, but I feel like, you know what, okay. So you gotta go, sometimes you gotta go.

Right, right. And I always feel like, you know what, I mean, honestly, there's a part of me, it's not a big part, I don't want, you know, I'm not proud of this and I don't want my family to hear it. You could die a hero. I could go, anytime. You could go as a hero.

Anytime someone could come in here and go, You live by a code. I'm gonna murder you, I'd be like, well, all right. But you live by a code and there's a greater good and if you could do one good thing, you'd be okay. You've had a great run. And at the end of it, there's a nap. A wonderful forever nap.

What I don't want is my bird dog pants to be whizzed on by this dude who was just, I mean, it was quite a visual. He was just kind of like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just, I mean, it was quite a visual. He was just kind of like, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. It was just spinning and whizzing. He is sort of like a zen master, though. He's living a life that none of us really... The other thing I thought was I wish I had the confidence.

I want to hear a TED Talk from this guy. I wish I had the dong. Oh, I wish I had the dong. Oh, the dong. I mean, I'd be afraid of clearing my own pants. You're never doing stunt whizzing on the L if you don't have. No, no, this was, it's what was called a shower.

Uh. Uh. Of course. There was no like. Of course. You get me whizzing on the trail, I'm gonna be like, give me a minute, this is gonna look neat.

Right. Uh. Yeah, there's no nubbin' sprinklers on the L. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. nubbin sprinklers on the hill. No, no, no, no, no. Can't you tell my love's a grown. I just realized I didn't, I didn't finish the car that's sitting in the, my house. Oh, your nude story. On Highland Avenue with a towel around me, the dogs, uh, on my lap, watching TV and I

hear a curse smash. Yeah. And that was a regular thing on Highland Avenue. Absolutely. It still is. on my lap, watching TV and I hear a curse smash. And that was a regular thing on Highland Avenue. We lived there for 11 years and there were two fatalities in front of our house over those 11 years. Numerous huge crashes. Cause also people would drag race. We get flipped over cars on the sidewalk all the time.

It's just like a normal thing. People go 80, 90 miles an hour drag racing there. I get up to see, cause it's, you know, it's like, Oh, what happened? And I look and it's my car. Yeah. And, um. You're a dumb ass for parking on that one, by the way.

Well, but I mean, but you know, it's my. Some of this is on you. No, well, my wife's car was in the driveway and, and there's just not, you know, you can't, there wasn't, and there's just not a, you know, there wasn't, but I mean, that's, you know, you live on Highland, you gotta park on Highland Avenue. Eh, okay. You do, you do kinda, trust me.

Okay. You don't live on Highland Avenue. Yeah. You live on, well, I'm not gonna say. I live on a sweet little spot over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You live on, well, your street is kinda busy. It actually is kinda busy these days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gotten busier. Apparently, Waze made all the streets busier. Oh, I know. That's what people say. Just recently I was diverted heading up to the hills and it wasn't Waze, it was one of the other ones wanted me to turn down this.

No, no, no. No, no, no, up in the hills. Oh, yeah. And how they send you on these ridiculously securitas roads and people in the hills. It wanted me to go left on this street and there was just an old woman standing in the middle street going, no, no, no. Waze doesn't know about that.

Yeah, yeah. But she knew like, oh, there was like a wreck or something and she's just like, no, I'm going, I will not allow, not on my street. Yeah, I gave up on Waze like twice it had me, like it'll want you to cross Beverly where there's no light, no sign and I'm like, no, I'm not allow not on my street. Yeah, I gave up on ways like twice It had me like it'll want you to cross Beverly where there's no light no sign and I'm like, I'm not doing that Make left turn on six line. It's still all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah with no light Yeah, the only thing worse is watching the uber guy make those decisions Oh, sometimes you'll be in the back and you'll see it and it'll be like, oh, it's gonna we're gonna cross Ventura Boulevard and you'll see it and it'll be like, oh, we're gonna cross Ventura Boulevard at a eight way at 3 p.m. on a Friday,

and then he's gonna start nosing out and doing it, and then everyone hates you, everyone hates you. People hate you so much. I just close my eyes and just wish I was somewhere else. The car, I believe, was totaled. The car was not totaled, although I was, that was my hope, actually. But he had-

Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you leave it out there like a bait car again just to, you were trying to get the insurance money. You were like, if I park- No, no, no. By the way, is this an idea you give people? Just park on Highland. No.

Like how's the- Do you want to get rid of a car? You have pretty good insurance? It's the same thing as leaving it open with the keys in it. It's kind of the bait car, yeah. No, it was, at the time I had a GMC Acadia SUV. And it had been parked-

The only car you ever drive. You're sponsored by them, I believe. But they had hit my car so hard that it slid up on the curb. No, yeah. It just moved forward about six feet. Oh, dear boy. Like the front end of the car

was in the middle of our driveway. And they'd hit it so hard. My rear tire was on its side. Like the axle had broken. Just snapped it right off. Snapped off, was laying there. Their car was just totally ruined. And it was-

Can we just say, I hope they were alive. Oh, they were alive. Okay. They were stunned, but I think also stinking drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were kind of like stumbling around a little bit and I came out, I went through on shorts and a t-shirt, came out on my phone.

Not as funny. Story's not as funny. I know it's not as funny, but I mean, it's a very orthodox neighborhood and I had to think about my neighbors. And, uh. You didn't want to get an extra bris or something?

I did. What does that mean? You were just going to surprise everybody? Yeah. It was in the Antiquity War, so there's no cost to it. Oh, and we thought we knew you. We did not know it was Schoer. We would have begged it for Groer was actual Schoer. No, I came out and I'm on the phone and these two guys, their car is like up on the curb

in my neighbor's yard. And they go, they're like all dizzy. And then they go, hey man, help us push our car so we can get moving. And I said, to me, and I'm on the phone and I said, that's my car and I'm on the phone with the police right now. And they went, oh. And then kind of did like a very nosh-a-losh stroll down the street. Like, well, I'll just, yeah, yeah.

We just perpetrated a class A felony against you. Yeah, yeah. And now you're gonna be a dick. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Okay. Thanks a lot. My wife, my wife, LA stories. Do we have to get to anything important or no?

No. Oh great, great, great. No, it's all, I mean, I think people can Google you if they really want some details. I don't care. Yeah, whatever, it's probably easily find out about whatever I'm up to. Absolutely.

Yeah, absolutely. So my wife. Principles and what did you say? Little Nazis and principles. Yeah, little Nazis and principles. Principle guys, bad hair, dude with a bad haircut. The officious prick. Officious prick.

Know what you play, it's very helpful. Right, right. But my wife, I got T-boned in LA at an intersection in our old house. And you're still together? By, yeah. Wow. And she got hit by the cops.

Wow. She got hit by cops who were not on a run, they were just, they zoned out. Wow. Zoned out and T-boned her and smashed the car. Threw a red light or something? Stop sign. They did not stop.

Thank God there was a witness because of course when the cops hit you, the first thing they say is, well, I'm going to do a Chicago cop for no reason. Well, we're never going to know who did this, how it happened. I mean, it just happened. It happened. It's your word against mine. And we'll never know. It's your word against mine and God. Yeah. But suddenly there's like eight, nine cop cars there.

There was a witness, thank God. But yeah, that was very intense. LA is a very good commercial for the Midwest. Yeah. Like they could just do commercials for Wisconsin that are just like any normal day in Los Angeles. Wisconsin. Wisconsin.

And then it just ends with Wisconsin. Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember when all the tents caught fire because the fentanyl was too good? All right. Wisconsin. Wisconsin. We have no idea what's going on out there. That's right. Wisconsin, are you guys okay? We're right here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Now, Oak Park, were you, uh, were you,

did you have a big family? I don't know if I have. I did. I'm, um, well, I have, I've only one sister, but I come from a big Irish family. So my dad's one of 10 from the south side of Chicago, those are the Lenins. My mom's one of seven from the west side of

Chicago, and those are the McSheehy's. Yeah. Yeah. Now the McSheehy's. The McSheehy's were what's called gallow glass warriors in Ireland. They were imported to Ireland because they were so particularly bloodthirsty and sinister and they would do stuff other people wouldn't do. Imported to Ireland from? To Ireland from Scotland.

From Scotland, okay. So they were imported warriors, mercenaries, and they got famous for being particularly ruthless and violent and sort of bloodthirsty. And there was a castle, there was a McSheehy Castle in Limerick, Ireland called Lysnachulia, which was the base of the McSheehy's. And apparently they were notorious assholes. Wow. Yeah.

And then if you meet some of my uncles, rest in peace, you'd be like, Oh, you know what? It definitely tracks. Are they real? It definitely tracks. We were people that- That same kind of like angry hostility. Just looking for a fight.

We're like, okay, yeah, let's go. Now that's, that was, you know, that was something that was, you know, when I went from Yorkville into the city and then started to have friends that grew up on the South side, it really is a different, like, cause I just, the thing that I noticed is that in any sort of situation you will have, you know, like the way

the Terminator has a list of options of what to do. And so like, you'll have a situation and you'll have a list of like, how do I, how do I react to this? Like what is, there's, there's, you know, like I'm sorry sir, there's a. No, that's not on the South Side. But you know, the thing is is that,

like there's always an option. Punch him in the fucking face. Yeah, bam. That's just like, you know, one of the basic options. Before they get oriented and do it to you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that can be a thing. Right, exactly.

It's also one of the friendliest cities in the world. Yes. I mean, such a friendly city. Yeah, yeah. That can be a thing. Right, exactly. It's also one of the friendliest cities in the world. Yes. I mean, such a friendly city. Yes, yes. You know, I feel like we're painting it as a place where a lot of scary things happen and so many scary things do happen there. Is the other thing.

It's a very livable place. My son asks, every time we go to Oak Park, my son is like, why don't we just live here? And I actually don't have a good answer for him because it is a magnificent little town. Right, right. You know, I go back now and I just kind of, I'm like, yeah.

John Mahoney lived there his whole career. Yeah, yeah. Mahoney never left Oak Park. He was always just an Oak Park guy. And Dave Pasquese lived there. Yeah, Pasquese, did he live out there? Yeah, yeah. But you can do that.

Yeah, yeah. I did, my wife wouldn't put up with the winter though. And that's the only thing. You know, that's the thing about like Wisconsin. So there were four days in a row last year that we never went above minus 16. Wow. You know, and that's the one where your nose hairs

start to go, you know, so it's like, but you know, that's why Prince lived in Minneapolis. It keeps away a certain amount of weirdos that won't put up with that. Right. You know, and. The King weirdo is like, I don't of weirdos that won't put up with that. Right. You know? The king weirdo is like, I don't want weirdos around here. The prince was like, it keeps the weirdos away.

And I gotta say, like it, you know, it definitely thins out the crowd. Yeah. Yeah, the week, couple weeks of minus 16. I think there is a level of kinda also to just, it's not, it's weirdos and also just like, everybody keeps away. Like Hollywood kinda phonies. Yeah, you generally would, it's weirdos and also just like, phonies, like Hollywood kind of phonies. Yeah, you generally would, it should keep me away.

But accidentally I've been, I've been inoculated against it because I was a Boy Scout in Chicago and we camped every month of the year outside. In Wisconsin or just wherever? Yeah, we were off in Wisconsin. A lot of times I'm in northern Wisconsin in a place called Shin-Gobic where I got lot of times I'm in northern Wisconsin in a place called Shingobic, where I got tapped out.

I'm in the Order of the Arrow. It's the sort of secret society in the Boy Scouts. But. So what, I mean, are there meetings now? It means I can deal with the cold. Yeah. Yeah. I can't, if there were, I can't talk to you about them.

It's like. But yeah. It's like the Bohemian Grove of. I got this session. I'm in the Bohemian Grove of Boy Scouts. And actually, like, here's what's weird, it almost kind of is, because to be in the Order of the Arrow,

you go to this secret ceremony and you get tapped out. So I got tapped out to be in the Order of the Arrow. What does that mean? Tapped out. Tapped out like. Tapped out is, back in my day, they would do this. There's a huge bonfire up by the lake, like at the last night of camp and it's late and a bunch of the older boys dressed like our proud

Native American peoples. And I don't know if we do this anymore, but maybe we still do cause it's a interesting vibe, but I think maybe we don't. But so, uh, in full like war bonnets and stuff, teenage boys who just smoked a lot of weed in war bonnets and war paint, put you around a circle. They've also been making you jump over

fires naked all day. A lot of stuff happened to Boy Scout Camp, uh, that toughens, toughens you up. That's, that is where being a grower is a real. Perfect. No, it's a real, you want to be up in the North Woods, a grower's game. Yeah, yeah.

You're going to be jumping over fires. And it was also right around the time when Indiana Jones came out, so everybody had bullwhips. Oh, boys camp, literally. Yeah, you know. We're just learning. And fedoras. Learning how to smoke cigarettes

and bullwipping one another and jumping over fires with doings out. The last night you get tapped out for every year, they induct somebody into the Order of the Arrow. Yeah. And the way that happens is you're all standing around a fire and you don't know and then the teenage boys in war paint and war bonnets like march around and it's really spooky. It's a lot like Midsommar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the Midwestern pornographic version of Midsommar. And then like the the boys are the members of the Order of the Arrow and then

they get to you and they stop and then they smack you on the shoulder three times and they try to knock you to the ground and that means you've just been tapped out for Order of the Arrow. So you get tapped out. Who makes the decision? The other boys in the. The biggest boys with the whips and the war paint.

Right, right, right. It was, I can't believe this all happened to me. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like, I was gonna say I seem fine, but then if you think about it, I don't really seem fine, do I? I don't know if I seem fine. Yeah, yeah.

It's like people that got lots of corporal punishment like me, like the notion that like, it happened to me and I'm fine. I don't think you're fine. I am not fine. You're definitely not fine. I have a lot of issues. No, you've got a lot of stuff. Something about from being smacked, you know?

Yeah. And so then we had to go back. Once you get tapped out, then you have to come back to camp and do like, do this weird thing. The same thing. No, you do like this long weekend where you do not speak and you sleep outside and they don't feed you and you dig a latrine.

It was, it was really messed up. Like I can't believe I was part of it, but I still have my sash. I'm very proud of my Ourobiero sash. Now when they tap you out, are you excited? Are you like, all right, I made it into this thing I'm not sure I want to be in? Yeah. It comes with a lot of fear.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It comes like just a, like a weird teenage boy in war paint in front of you and it's all in the dark and you're on the edge of a lake. Yeah, yeah. It really is the kind of thing that would be

in a Stephen King movie and people would be like, are we doing this? This feels weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then these are the same guys jumping over fires and bullwhips and doings out. Does this seem okay? None of these guys are gonna be okay and the answer is none of us were okay.

Yeah, yeah. None of us were okay. And is that something, like does that go on your college, you know, like your college application? It might have been. It might have been. My first day in the Boy Scouts, Chicago. Okay.

My first day in the Boy Scouts in Chicago. Troop 16, our little patrol leader, taught us how to go to the Jewel and this is before things had barcodes. You guys would never even have heard of this. Jewel is a grocery store. Jewel is a grocery store in Chicago. We went to do Jules. And he taught us how to change price tags on things

just enough that it was still plausible, but not enough. Now again, you live in a world where everything has a barcode. This could never happen. It used to be, there was a person who would look at your thing and type in what it was. Right, that number would be on there. The number would be on a thing. They'd go click and they'd put a little sticker on it. Yeah, and they'd put a little thing and type in what it was. Right. That number would be on there.

The number would be on a thing. They'd go click and they'd put a little sticker on it. Yeah. And they'd put a little thing on it. Say $1.18 or whatever. Yeah. So he would go around. He took us around our first camping trip shopping and he showed us how to swap price tags just

enough. Oh, right. That it doesn't set off any alarms. Like 20 cents. Not. But on everything. Yeah, yeah. Like maybe up to 90 cents on something here, you know? Right.

So yeah, my first day in Boy Scouts was just crime. It was literally just crime. And then it got to bullwhips and fire jumping and. Yeah. And that's all. And then you chose a life in the theater. Let's see who's got growers and who's got showers. I don't know how this was, they did not know,

and they didn't care, but the grownups in my, in our generation, the adults didn't care what was happening. Yeah, yeah. It's not that they didn't worry. Right. But they didn't, they also just didn't care. Right, right.

We weren't from an era where adults cared what young people were doing. No. That seems like it started five minutes ago. Adults were worried about what adults were doing. Yeah, yeah. That was it. No, that's, that's, you know.

Like my, I remember. They had whole lives that didn't involve you at what adults were. Yeah, yeah. That was it. No, that's, you know, like I remember. They had whole lives that didn't involve you at all. Right. And I mean, I remember my uncle, so just one, you know, my mother's brother telling me about there in Yorkville, Illinois, there was kind of a swimming hole, you know, like, and that, and it was like everybody knew and like, and boys would go down there and skinny dip.

And that they knew that there was like one guy in town and if he's down there, don't swim near him. Okay, so we got to just, that was just like, yeah, don't swim near that guy. Don't swim by that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're also very close to where Casey lived, by the way, just for fun.

Oh, absolutely. So when I went to high school at Oak Park, okay, everybody that ran like the boys gym area is guys who got shell shocked in Korea. Everybody came back from Korea and something bad happened. Yeah, yeah. You know, they were still seeing ghosts and things every day. So, and then we had a guy, like a special guy

called Tom the towel boy who would give you a towel and he was real nice, but he was like sort of a special guy. Right. And then there was a guy, like a special guy called Tom the towel boy who would give you a towel. And he was real nice, but he was like sort of a special guy. And then there was these four old weirdos from Korea who had seen things they could never unsee. And we used to, this is the thing you're going to hate about Chicago and the Midwest. If you had gym first period at my high school, that meant you like got up, got out of bed, it's pitch black.

You get to school, it's 8, 10 in the morning, you take off your warm clothes and you put on a wet, a speedo that could never have gotten dry from a bin that they had for you. We had these like light green speedos and you put that on and then you went swimming. It never came up, no one ever said you could do it, it was never even suggested. Oh yeah, you know, you go over there, they'll have it for you. No, because Eddie and all the guys from the Korean War also seemed to enjoy the process where you would, when you turned in your Speedo,

you'd turn in your Speedo and then you had to walk around one whole corner of the pool to get the towel from Tom. Right. So there was like a little bit of a parade of, like a Game of Thrones. A new voice. There was a Game of Thrones moment of, it was literally shit that Caligula would have thought of.

You know, like if they put the suit there and then they walk there, there is all of this is nine yards of growers. You must walk over the glass table on your way there. Walk over to the glass table and then also, I'm just gonna throw glitter at you. It was, but this was, by the way. Stop, bend down, grab the soup.

Not only, no one, no one cared. Yeah, yeah. No one checked. No one cared. We'd been locked in a room with our boners out with a bunch of guys from the Korean war and Tom, who was very nice. Um, and no one checked and cared. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And if you did complain to people, be like, these guys are veterans. Right. These guys, these guys saw shit in Korea. They can never unsee. If, Hey, if you think you're, your boner is so amazing that these guys who won the Korean war

for us can't look at it, you're the asshole. You're an asshole. Now I want you to go apologize to those weird old dudes down in the pool. MUSIC Can't you tell my love's a-growing? Things didn't used to always be better. No, no, no. Things used to be weird.

All of that shit about like, oh, the good old days. No, no, no, no. It was weird. No, it was bad. It was not good. It was only good if you were a coach. If you're trying to get away, it was good if you were trying to get away with some shit. Yeah, yeah.

That you knew you shouldn't be doing. Right, right, right. You're like, you know what, if they have to get it out of the bin and I move the bin 10 feet further. Yeah. Now, did. Like that's something you would do in like a, that's a prank show you would,

like a horny prank. There used to be shows, remember there used to be all kinds of horny TV shows too. Oh yeah, yeah. Like do you remember Bizarre? Uh-huh. There used to be shows, remember there used to be all kinds of horny TV shows too. Oh yeah. Like do you remember Bizarre? Very early in HBO they had a sketch show that was like R rated. So like boobs would come out and stuff like that.

It was called Bizarre. Everything was a little purveyor. And there was another, there was that series that was, I think it had like kind of flights of fancy, but it was Titty. Oh, oh, oh, was it the red shoes or whatever it was? They used to be like weird shoes. No, it wasn't Arliss. It was like a show that was,

but it was like, did Arliss have Titty? All of the HBO shows were always designed to have a little bit of nudity just to remind you why you couldn't see it on the do they have an A-board? They called that, and I'm not kidding you, cable edge. Cable edge. That was when I was, just boobs is just called cable edge.

My earliest experiences with development, they would say, we're looking for some cable edge, which means titty. I can't believe, that's so amazing. Cable edge. But what's also amazing, it absolutely works every time. Oh, fuck yeah. Every time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like look at Game of Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, look at Game of Thrones, okay, here's the thing about Game of Thrones that no one will talk about. Very early season, like, all the leads are naked everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By season four, there's just a guy in the background with his dong out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not a show where, Right. And he's just going, hello, hello. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, I'm Martin. Or there's like, I'm not really affiliated with the event, but happy to be. I just remember, I just yeah. Oh, I'm all... Or there's like, I'm not really affiliated with the event, but...

I just remember... I just remember there being at one point a not particularly motivated close-up underneath shot of an uncut dick. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Like, and just like, well, okay, there you go. The amazing thing is like, season one, at least, like everybody's fucking on Game of Thrones and they're like talking about the plot. And then it just keeps drifting to the sidelines

and then it just dongs hanging around. And we're like, I'm Marty. You know? I'm the juggler. I'm not gonna be in this episode, but I'm also gonna be just a little bit way over here by the cart. And also I'm sure, you know,

there's a meeting and somebody goes like, look, you've got six pages here and there's no whorehouse. When are you gonna get back to the brothel? Get back to the... Yeah, you gotta get some fucking... And I get... It got real peripheral. I have to say, I watched that show...

It was peripheral cable edge. I watched that show from the beginning, and like for the first maybe season, but at least the first three and for the first maybe season, but at least the first three quarters of the first season, I was embarrassed. It was truly like, I would watch it alone. It was truly like my dirty little secret.

You were waiting for the red witch lady to come along who was always having to close off. No, I mean, I ain't like, okay, it's dragons and shit. I'm up for that. And then you get it. It mostly wasn't though. Incest and stuff. No, but I mean, but this- Yeah shit, I'm up for that. And then you get it and then you go incest and stuff. No, but I mean, but this- Yeah, the dragons is once every year. Yeah, but I mean, but it's like,

I like all that kind of stuff if it's done well. And it was, and then- Cable Edge. There was a lot of fucking in that show. Cable Edge. And I gotta tell you, I'm not, you know, like a major creep, but I am a male. No, you wanted a little bit of-

And I was like, all right, yeah, all right, come on. I'm so good. Cable edge works on you. Sure, sure, sure. But that used to be a big thing. I mean, it was always a thing, cable. I've never heard that there was a word for it. Yeah, cable edge. But every HBO show, the part of it was like, and then.

Yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right. You like what they're saying, and then a butt is right in your face, what? Oh yeah. Yeah, it used to be a rare, I mean you'd have to go down, my grandmother on the south side of Oak Park had cable and we would just,

you'd just like kind of wait around. Right, right. For like days. Yeah. For bizarre to come on, or something weird like that to happen. Do you remember On TV? I do not.

On TV was, before it was pre-cable. Um, and what it was, was after a certain hour, Channel 44, Channel 44 was, which was, I see, which was one of the UHF channels, which I love talking about UHF channels for young people, they don't know what the fuck you're talking about. No idea.

Um, Fox 32, Chicago is a UHF channel. Right. And Channel 44 was like old, it was like foreign language programming a lot, but then there were also like, they had like weird Japanese kids shows in the afternoon that were great, like Johnny Sacco and his giant robot. But beyond a certain hour, Channel 44 would scramble and it would become like, and you had a big box.

You had a de-scrambling box. A big box on the TV that just said on TV and it was just a big knob that went off and on. To de-scramble. Yeah, click and it de-scrambled it. Could you not buy a bootleg de-scrambler at Radio Shack? I believe you could. Absolutely, absolutely. That might've been one of my childhood dreams.

They had one of those, they had those for cable all the time too. To get a piece of rambler. Yeah, yeah. But before we had On TV, because we eventually talked our parents into getting On TV. I have no idea how you did that. Because On TV, and also too, it was like the first

couple of hours was HBO movies. It was just HBO movies. It was like just recent. Wuthering Heights. No, no, but I mean just like. Everybody stick around, see what's up later. No, but I mean just like recent release movies that would be on HBO.

But then. On Golden Pond. After 10 or after 11, then you would get Softcore Porn. Yeah. And those, and I think that was also a supplemental chart. So there was a scramble on the scramble.

Oh wow. And. You had to choose it. We used, I used to sit and watch the scrambled soft-core porn. Just to get two seconds. Yeah, because you'd get an occasional sort of like glimpse of a bush.

So you just kind of put your head sideways. Yeah, yeah. Shmoosh your eyeball so it's... Yeah, you know. And now, oh my God. The days were not better. Oh. The old days were not better.

I, my, when my son was about seven, we walked in on him and his friend Googling, and it's so darling, they Googled naked. I love it. Well, I will say there is a different psychological difference that I think is pretty big, which is in our era, if you ever wanted to see a naked lady,

somebody's older brother had to purchase a Playboy and get it to you. Right. Which then, if you were to look at a Playboy now, these would be very upbeat boudoir photos. Not like what the world, what the internet got flooded with lately, which is where if you look up like, pantyhose, be very careful.

Right, right, exactly. It comes with a lot of extras. It sure does, yeah, yeah. And there's more showers than you're even ready. Like, oh! Well, even the reason, I mean, these boys were a little bit. Things used to be pretty tame.

Because when they Googled naked, horrible, you know, like incredibly, incredibly graphic things came up right away. And I think they were kind of like shell shocked by it. Like that was too much. They were not ready for that. We used to get a playboy and we'd be like, Anne Margaret is showing a side boob?

Yeah, yeah. Gentlemen, Anne Margaret has side boob. I'm going to need an hour. Ugh. Yeah, it used to be just, it was a little. My older brother. Not everything was just right there. My older brother should have, if there was a way to make money, because when he was younger, he

was, he was very into finding dirty magazines. And, you know, and, uh, you know, their kids, they were, you would find them in the woods. Literally there'd be like, they'd be tucked in somewhere. Cause some teens have put them on. My brother would go dumpster diving in Aurora, Illinois. Cause we go to my stepfather's plumbing shop and he would go and he would check dumpsters and he would come back and yeah, like, like water damaged with like

potato peels stuck to them. Like, Hey, I found a, it was worth more than gold. I found a copy of we was worth more than gold. I found a copy of Wee. Of Cherry. You know, which was Cherry. There was so many ones that nobody remembers. There was also one called Wee.

Yeah, Ooey. Ooey, we used to say Ooey. You said Ooey? Yeah, yeah, because we didn't know it was French. It was like, Ooey, O-U-I, Ooey. That's where we crossed the Rubicon into like, Playboy was just again, Anne Margaret's side boob and somebody sitting on a bale of hay. And then Wee, trying to be classyicon into like, Playboy was just again, Ann-Margaret Sideboob and somebody sitting on a bale of hay.

And then we, trying to be classy, was like, oh Lord, there is a world out there that we may not be ready for. Yes. Yeah. Or Hustler. Hustler also, they got grosser than you. Yeah, Hustler was a gynecological magazine.

It was really more of a medical journal. It was like they were mad about it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it wasn't, Hustler was like, hey, this doesn't have to be fun. Right, right. You're all, you all had a lot of fun, didn't you? Guess what?

Yeah, yeah. What if it's scary sometimes? Oh, oh my God. It's gonna be scary. You like jerking up while you should feel bad about it? Yeah. And it should scare you. What if it scared the shit out of you? Hustler. Enjoy.

Oh. Oh, so scary. My, I say my. A first hustler you never can unsee. My stepfather's. Oh, the guy, you're just, who gave the notes to this person to do that? I don't know.

It's Larry Flint. That guy. Well, that guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Free speech guy. Yeah. You know?

Well, I mean, kind of, yeah. Yeah, well, we always test out the laws on the grossest weirdo. Yeah, but come on. It's also too, whenever there's, like, one of my favorite things ever was there's this new technology. We are developing a thing where cell phone users will be able to, within the geographic area that they're in, they will be able to get on a network and connect with each other in their in their area and share interest. First thing, grinder.

Of course. It's like we got a technology where people can get in contact with each other when they're in the same area. We immediately use it for doink control. Yeah, yeah. Like, well how can I? Yeah.

I need to fuck. Where is it? How can I turn that into fucking? Two doinks, four doinks, and I how can I? Doink control, doinks. I need to fuck. How can I turn that into fucking? Two doinks, four doinks, and I need some options. They put in, you remember they briefly put in a thing, one of the airlines had a thing where you could text to other seats? That went away really fast.

Did it really? Because literally, as soon as you give us something, we ruin it. We ruin it, yeah. We put our doink on it. We do. It's what we do. We do.

Yeah. That's just kind of the kind of ape we are. Nobody was gonna be like, hey, you wanna play tic-tac-toe in airplane seats? There's we do. We do. That's just kind of the kind of eight we are. Hey, you wanna play tic tac toe in airplane seats? There's like donks behind you. Did you get the chicken or the fish? Well anyway, at my stepfather's plumbing shop, the plumbers had back in their bathroom area,

the most- The rough stuff. Stuff that I still- Leg show. Still to this day is imprinted in my mind some of these things that I saw. Beyond We? We went way beyond We. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, way beyond.

Like, I mean like pulp paper. Oh, oh, yeah. Like, you know, like it was like- Where were they getting the stuff? The same paper as like the Penny Saver. Oh. But, you know, sort of- Oh, no, yeah. Like, you know, like it was like- Where were they getting the stuff? The same paper as like the Penny Saver. Oh. But, you know, sort of- Oh, no, no.

And there was one that, like I say, I will never forget this one. And we would just go back and sort of like furtively- Get horrified, get horrified. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like, hey, where are you boys at? Oh, back here. Oh, just sorting some, you know, fittings. But there was one that I remember, it was

all drawings kind of very. Okay. It was all very. Like the Kama Sutra, but for a plumber's version in the West suburbs of Chicago. But they were like those kind of like SNME kind of drawings, but like in a Tom of Finland kind of style, you know what I mean?

Like old black and white kind of drawings. And they all were scenarios that involved the imminent death of women. Whoa, ew. There was, and the one that I will never forget. This is serial killer stuff. It was crazy. The one that I will never forget

is that there was a woman. And they were gonna save them? No, they were not, they weren't helping. There's a woman, she's, you know, like has her hands tied behind her and, you know, and it's like some kind of, you know, Betty Pagey looking outfit. Okay, you have me so far. She has a chin strap. Okay.

And on top of her head, yeah, this is a drawing. Drawing by hand. This is drawn by hand. On top of her head, there's a platter. And the platter, like she's tall enough that the platter meets a suspended glass dome. And so that the platter is sealing the dome. And inside the dome, and it's written with words with an arrow, poisonous snakes. and it's written with words with an arrow, poisonous snakes. And she is standing on a, like, you know, like a Ottoman-sized, end table-sized block of cheese

in a room full of mice and rats. It's been great talking to you again. And I, even at like whatever age I was, I was like, wait, I get what these books are for. But I don't get what, this one is, this is too specific. And this is supposed to do the same thing as what the other ones do. This is too specific. Well, here's the thing. Here's the, I have so many questions about this. First of all, she's already gonna fall into a pile of mice, which is-

But they're not gonna, they're not poisonous snakes. It's a real bummer to me already. And it said rats and mice with an arrow. Rats and mice. Yeah, yeah. What did that, feels like a hat on a hat. Right. I feel like we could punch this up.

Well, they're just like, cause it'd be like, well, I don't know. Yeah, you're right. I also feel like these rats, there's really snakes down there, these rats are dead. So she might be fine. Right. And the snakes, I just, this is how my brain mostly works.

If you see the problem. This is how I, when I say I didn't turn out fine. And the snakes, this is how my brain mostly works. You see the problem. This is how I, when I say I didn't turn out fine, I think she's actually gonna be okay. Because at a certain point, snakes are gonna drop to the floor. Snakes are gonna get rid of all these rats in my, they're gone. None of the snake loves more than a couple little rats for fun, you know?

So she's gonna be weirdly fine for a while, for a pretty long time until the cheese rots, you know? I think she might've made it out of there. Yeah. I like to think that lady with dome hat, naked strap, vetty boop to cheese in the rats and poisonous snakes, I think she did pretty good.

I think she did pretty good. Maybe she became like queen of the snakes. Yeah. I like to think that too. Oh, all right. Yeah. I guess she did pretty good. Maybe she became like queen of the snakes. Yeah, I like to think that too. Oh, all right. I guess it wasn't creepy. How did it, why would? It's just so interesting that when people were like,

yeah, you're right, but the first time everybody's just like, hey, I got good at drawing. I know what I'm gonna draw. You know what I'm gonna do. Perfect. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so there's snakes over here. What?

What the fuck is wrong with you? And I said, Gary? To take that to a. Hey Gary, I just saw your art. Yeah, okay, so there's snakes over here what? fucking wrong with you Take that Gary. I just saw your art to a publish. Yeah, I got an idea and there you go Here's a series of wait a second Give me a couple seconds here cuz technically once the snakes gonna eat all these little rats down there. I Yeah, yeah, but so she wins this round come back try again. Listen, our subscribers aren't going to think that far. Don't worry about it. She's a block of cheese. Oh, I've always worried just about the R.

Crumb stuff was always too much for me. They're always like, he's always swimming up somebody's butt. Yeah. I was like, what the hell, guy? Yeah, yeah. And then he was like, eh, eh, eh. I know.

Is he funny? I'm like, no, it's gross. So gross. He's always butt swimming. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's gross. So gross. It's always butt swimming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we turned out okay. We didn't.

That's the whole point. We literally didn't turn out okay. We didn't. No, we spent our entire lives trying to amuse some people. Do you think that having a reaction to this kind of, all of this growing up that we're talking about, do you think that that to like, to this kind of like, all of this growing up that we're talking about. Do you think that that's like,

I'm getting into show business. Cause here's what I think. That world is too fucking weird. I need to go to just a upfront weird world. I think the only handy thing about it is from our era. We were so damaged. Yeah. Then at a certain point it's like, what are you gonna do to me now?

Yeah. You know? Okay. Perfect. Perfect people for show business. People who've had very strange comings up. Yeah, yeah. You know? I also just think too, like, I just, you know, working for my stepfather's plumbing shop and then, and you know, and then working at the grocery store where like the guy that ran the grocery store was a minister

and was just a, you know, like, was just an awful, awful, awful adults being surrounded by awful adults. With a lot of awful adults in the back end of the day. There was just, there was just part of me that I think was just like, I am not, I can't do this. I can't, I can't do the regular world. And I didn't, you know, it's not like I was going to be a carnivore or anything. I think that's what it was.

No, I just couldn't. But I just was like. I couldn't picture. I can't do this. Doing something that normal people around me seem to do. I don't think Coach is a good guy. Like I just even.

Coach was not a good guy. Yeah, Coach is not. Guys, I don't, I don't even, you know. Yeah. Well, and I also think it was an era where Yeah, Coach is not a guy. I don't even, you know. Yeah. Well, and I also think it was an era where, you know, we have to remember, while we were surrounded by all these weirdos and everything

was weird, the show business that we were growing up being sort of indoctrinated by was when, you know, like happy days. Like things that we all got collectively together to love. We did, it was closer to the religion of the country, like when Carol Burnett was on or Sonny and Cher, it was like we actually had a religion that was one thing that we did as a group.

And it was a showbiz thing, which is interesting to think about. It was our campfire. It was the only thing that we had because everybody else was just out smoking in their cars and watching the boys around the crew. But we did get together for Sonny and Cher and Carol Burnett and things.

Yeah, and would go to school and then recount what we saw on Happy Days and every kid in class had seen Happy Days. And when you go back and watch Happy Days, holy shit, it's like it was made by Martians. How did human beings, like, it's not good. I haven't seen it in a minute, although we were right, you know we're two blocks from the Happy Days house

where we're sitting right now. Oh really, I did not know that. It's on Cahuenga. Oh wow. It's on Cahuenga below Melrose. Okay. So if you go below Melrose. I'll Google it and take a peek at it.

It's very cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I show it to my son every day coming home from school and he goes, mm, who cares? Yeah. Yeah. Show me your slo-mo-zle. Who cares?

But yeah, no, I just, I think, I don't remember the short story, but I just remember in my teens reading a short story that was about a boy that worked, that was like his father owned a slaughterhouse. And there was a, the story was just a detailing of a difficult slaughter. And then the end of the story was just, and that was the day that William decided that he would not work with his hands. And then I was like, all right, yeah, that resonates. Yeah, yeah.

To see like a brutal, you know, vicious. Yeah. Yeah. Aw, that's good growing up in Chicago. Yeah, yeah. Growing up in Chicago. Well, um. It made us tough and crazy.

Let's do some. And bound for show business. Talk showy stuff. We're going to plug some stuff? Uh, yeah. You're, uh, oh yeah, you're in the unfrosted movie. I am. Yeah.

I'm a very dumb. You and everyone else I know and yet fucking Jerry didn't call me. Yeah. God damn it. Was that fun to do? Are you sure you're not in it? I'm positive. Yeah.

It was fun. It was also very- It's funny you say that because there are some times when I'm watching something and it's like- I don't remember. I feel like- From 20 years ago and I'm like... Are we in a movie together? Aren't we in like Bad Teacher together or something?

No. Aren't we in What Are We In? We've never been in a picture together? I don't think we have been in a picture together. I'm trying to think. No? Uh, what? Uh, Not I Love You Man or like... You weren't in... There's all these movies that have a lot of people in them. Yeah, yeah.

Like I Love You Man. No, that would be one. You weren't in My Boss's Daughter? No, you weren't in that. And you weren't in... You were in some great ones. Were you in Elf? No, I don't think you are. Were you in the Olsen Twins movie? No, are you in the Olsen Twins movie?

Yeah. Oh shit, you're in everything. I'm in the Olsen Twins. I know every time I see you in something, I'm like- The Olsen Twins movie is what's gonna get me cancer. Every time I see you in something, I'm like, how did he fucking get that?

Still? Fuck that guy, still. Still? Wow. This is why you gotta stay in the game. All right, yeah. Stay in the game. Yeah, no, I mean, I didn't, I'm not willingly podcasting.

None of this is voluntary. There's a couple of guys who are like, fuck that guy. That could have easily... Oh, it's part of... Was that just not available? No one checked? It is an illness that will never go away. This is the part of being a real actor. Only thing that you can do about it,

and luckily I figured this out very early on when... It is an illness that will never go away. Never, this is the part of being really being an actor. Only thing that you can do about it. And luckily I figured this out very early on when. Cabin boy you're in. The first, yeah, cabin boy. When one of my, one of the first friends of mine that got hired in SNL and my first feeling was fuck! Yeah. God damn it. And then I realized, okay, feel that.

And then just put it, you know, like, and then move on. Could you? Could you put it? Yeah, I could, I could. There'd always be a little stink of it. It's a little, it's a little tough though. There's a little stink of it. But then it is like people that I love and I'm happy that they're achieving something.

You know, like when it's a fucking prick that gets a job, then it's, then you can just full on just be a poison factory. The other thing, the great thing that we've moved into now is there's a world where there's Deadline which literally all day every day just announces who of your friends have gotten the most amazing job I that you never heard of unfollowed all that it is Unbelievable, you're like, holy fuck some friend yours. What in Kyoto for a year? Oh my god Some person that I love is going to make a movie in Kyoto for a year.

Oh. I would like to do that. That sounds so neat. Oh, wait. This is a movie that they're shooting practically in the Alps? Oh. And they have to go learn how to climb for six months

before the movie even starts? And then somebody calls you and says like, hey, I want you to go to Shreveport, Louisiana for two months. You movie even starts and then somebody calls you and says like hey I want you to go to Shreveport, Louisiana for two months. You play the principal that's jacking off In August there's a principal that everybody knows is a fucking perv And then he's gonna get dragged at the end of the movie They're like principal perv and then they drag him behind a truck for a mile and your dick is out there fucking everybody throws Garbage at you. My favorite. All right.

Do we hear anything about that thing in the Alps where you have to go learn? No. No, no, no. No, they were going with no. Yeah, they said you're not right for it. No, they didn't. No, they saw your... Did they see your self tape?

We don't know. We'll never know. They're doing a diversity hire. They got Val Kilmer. You feeling good about Shreveport though and you're gonna get dragged behind a car? The character's called Principal Garbage. My favorite one ever was my agent sent me, a drag behind a car. The characters, the characters called principal garbage. My favorite one ever was my agent sent me, you know, cause they, when they send you

stuff, it's like, well, we have the same agent probably by the way. We think you're right for this. And they sent me once and it was some shitty revenge movie about like a movie star who is being, being trailed by like just the most patently evil paparazzi type people, like different, and like different, and it was like a different crew. Like one was the driver and one was the

sound guy and one was the video guy and one was the stills guy. And the guy, and there was, I can't remember what he was, but the character that they had pinned for me, it was like, you know, the character that they had pinned for me, it was like, you know, Herman, and then in parentheses, a fat, worthless piece of shit. And I immediately was like, got on the phone with my agents. So what was it about fat, worthless piece of shit that you thought was me? Don't send me the script. Just make a fucking offer.

Of course I'll do it. Like, I want to be Principal Garbage Dick. I would like to be the guy that they all drag at the end. Sure. I wanna do it. But just don't, you don't have to like, don't make me jump through a million fucking hoops. I will do it for whatever you're paying.

Yeah, come on. I don't care. It doesn't matter what it's paying. I'm happy to go to Shreveport. I'm happy to full frontal nudity. I'm happy to get practically dragged behind the hero's truck. In fact, I get pants full of garbage right now

just researching the role. Don't make me jump through the fucking hoops. Just offer, just offer only. Come on, come on. For fuck's sake. For Christ's sake. So what have you learned? What have I learned?

No, I mean, seriously. Take it with a grain of salt. Is that, yeah, yeah. A little bit of a grain of salt. Like how do you, you know, cause you, you have, you've done, you know, you've written some movies, you've, you know, you've acted in a bunch of stuff, you've been in stuff that you've created.

So you, you know that you've created. So you've had a really fun life, and now you're getting to hang out with Wisconsin Republicans a lot of the time. And somebody said to me recently something about me, and I wasn't sure that it was about me, and they were quoting Winston Churchill, I guess. And Winston Churchill had something to say about you?

He had something very specific to say about me. He said, success is the ability to go from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. And I was like, oh shit. Cause on the inside you do lose a little bit of enthusiasm. You definitely do. Of course you gotta watch Deadline all day and everybody's going off to the Alps.

But you do have to, to me it's just like, I think I do a lot of this sort of thing that you do have to, to me it's just like, I think I do a lot of the sort of thing that you do, which is the show business will break your heart in a lot of different ways. So you gotta keep, just keep changing the story a little bit. So I wrote three novels, which have done well, and then sometimes I'm- I didn't even know that.

Yeah, see? I'm not a big reader. Yeah, me neither. But no, I made the New York Times bestseller list. It's like you just got to, yeah, you got to keep doing. That's really amazing and congratulations on that. Keep, you know. That's enviable.

Now I'm going to be mad at you now. But I know you, but I know you very well. I'm going to be mad at you now for having written three novels. Just so you know, you ready for this? Yeah. When I was told that I got a phone call, I was in the Rite Aid on Larchmont with a big, huge armful of toilet paper. Nice.

And I got a call that the book. You're a famous shitter. Mm-hmm. Oh, you know me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Legendary. It's in your contracts. Legendary, I go loco.

He needs three toilets. So I got a call from my book agent in New York that the book had, that my book, Run A Boy on the Bridge of Riddles is the first book and it made the New York Times bestseller list at the number two spot. And I got a call that that had happened. Knowing me and knowing you and what we're like,

how long do you think I stayed happy about that? Hmm, I'm gonna say six minutes. I was gonna say about 30 seconds. I never thought about it again. Because then it was the fact that it was, you weren't number one. Oh, I would have loved if it lasted six minutes. No, that's a whole thing too.

Oh really? Yeah. But in a weird way, I like number two because it was like, it doesn't look rigged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like people were like, number one is always like a kind of a, ah. Well, you get that pop right at the beginning, I'm sure. No, but I was happy for about 30 seconds.

Wow. By the time I got happy for about 30 seconds. Wow. By the time I got with my purchases with all my tons of toilet paper to the front of the Rite Aid and Larchmont, where I have seen Ozzy Osbourne, by the way, a couple of times, yeah. Nice. By the time I got up there, I was already sad again.

Wow. Yeah, I was already just weird goth guy. Does that bug, I mean, do you, I mean, we're joking a lot about some dark stuff. We are joking, but here's a real thing that I'll say and there's a long talk I had with Ken Marino that when you do what we do, there's, you have to be very, very careful about something because you

get so much disappointment in acting and writing and all of the things that we do and so much disappointment that you harden yourself against bad news. But when you start to do that, you also harden yourself against everything. So you also harden yourself against good news. And there is a real danger to when you've been

in this game for so long because it is, there's a lot of times you're gonna face planned and there's a lot of stuff. I just found out this week that my new pilot's not going, you know? And, uh, you know, and it's like, so you got to be careful that when you deaden yourself to all the bad news, of which

there is enough, plenty to go around usually, that you don't, that you don't miss the one amazing moments of which there's also, can be a lot. Yeah. I, I, I, for me, a big thing that I really try and focus on is like, you know, I mean, I joke about like, you know, about involuntarily podcasting, but I mean, and I certainly would love to be working more and, you know, but I mean, but ain't nobody's

working that much right now. Ain't nobody is. Yeah. But, and I do enjoy doing this. It's really, you know, but I mean, but ain't nobody's working that much right now. Ain't nobody is. Yeah. But, but I, and I do enjoy doing this. It's really, you know, like I now I'm, I'm, I interview people, you know, and I learned how to do that on the fly, which I love doing. And I, I only talk to people I enjoy talking to and I have fun. It's a fun conversation.

And God knows when you're 57 years old, you don't get a lot of those, you know, like your life is pretty boring. I don't talk to them. The fact that we just had a longer conversation than I've had with any of my, I mean, we are friends. Yeah, yeah. But I'm talking like with my dear friends. Right, right.

We're not going to talk about it. Yeah, absolutely. I'm not going to say to you, go work on something. Shut up. I meet Flanagan from Largo for coffee for an hour. And that's, and maybe once a month. I said I had breakfast with Patton last week and it was the first time I sat with a friend

and did anything in like five years. Like honestly, because it just doesn't, you know, don't do that much. And he had to schedule it. He had to be like, let's have breakfast and the thing. And I was like, all right, it's going to cut into my time where I'm writing a movie

that no one's making, but okay. Or I'm staring at the wall. I'm staring or I'm looking at deadlines, seeing who's going to the into my time or I'm writing a movie that no one's making, but okay. Or I'm staring at the wall. I'm staring, or I'm looking at deadlines seeing who's going to the fucking Alps now. Yeah, and then researching Kyoto where I'm not going. Um, no, but I, I really try and safeguard myself from bitterness because one of my early experiences, or you know, I had the experience a number of times on the Conan show

of having on somebody a comedic sort of highlight, you know, like a beacon for me comedically from when I was young. Somebody who had been on SCTV, somebody who had been on SNL, somebody who'd been in funny movies, but not doing so much anymore, and so much bitterness. And it just, you're so much like,

well, how, what the fuck? Why isn't this still happening? And I just thought like, ooh. And not because it was unattractive in hearing it, which it wasn't, but it was just like, I don't wanna be that, I don't wanna do that. I got yelled at by a to do that I got I got um I Got yelled at by a hero one time. Oh really? Mm-hmm

Well, what are we the guy I wanted to be when I was a little kid? Yeah, we had um Fuck so we were doing we were doing the state the state had we had finished our MTV run And we're doing this big special for CBS that we thought was gonna be really amazing It ended the state on TV as a thing. Because it was historically low numbers. Wow. But at one point, we wanted a famous person to introduce it and be like, here's the state and they've been doing all this great work for so many years and it's now been put together.

So I got the honor to call my hero, Tim Conway. Wow. And he was expecting the call. He'd been warned he was going to get the call. And I was going to pitch him the bit that he was going to be in that was going to open the state CBS special. Yeah. And, you know, I'm there, I'm on the 50th floor

at MTV 1515 and I'm on those weird old phones and I call the number and I'm, you know, I'm in like a tie, like I always wear suits and ties and stuff. To talk on the phone. And I was like, Mr. Conway, hi, this is Tom on the front of the stage. He's like, uh-huh, yep, okay, yeah.

And I was like, so if it's okay, I was going to, I was told it was okay to call you and I could pitch you the bit and the idea of how the special will open and so the idea is you will be, and I'm gonna back off the mic a little bit. Tom, Tom, Tom, stop talking. Nobody, nobody has told me yet what this pays. Is what he said to me.

And I said, oh, Mr. Conway, actually, I don't know. I actually don't know. I could probably find out, I guess, or maybe I can find out. I'm not sure, I'm sure I can find out. Right, right. Find out, find out, and then we'll talk. And he basically like hung up on me.

And I was like, there goes my hero. Wow. There goes a guy that I literally wanted to be every day of my life from like six onward. Yeah. So anyway, what does this mean? Tom stopped, but he did tell me to stop talking. Which was pretty, I definitely felt pretty bad for a pretty long time. Yeah. My hands kind of rattled. Then I went outside in Times Square and smoked like a million cigarettes in a row and just

thought about, that's not going to be me, is it? Is that going to be me one day sitting out in California and a sketch kid from New York's going to call me and I'm going to be shut the fuck up. Yeah. Money. Talk about the money, you douchebag. Wow. Well, Tom, thanks for coming in here. And it's always a pleasure.

Yeah, that's a bummer. Getting screamed at by a hero. That is a bummer. And Tim Conway, like if you'd said Harvey Corman, I can believe it. No, I know. I just caught him on a bad day. It was a bad day.

Yeah. I just caught him on a bad day. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't bounce back from that, but again, I didn't turn out fine. Like I said, like I'm fine.

Not at all. Not even a little bit. Not even a little bit. Nope. But yeah, but you can let somebody else handle the money part of it. You wouldn't yell at some youngster that. It was really weird. Yeah, yeah.

That is bad. That's so weird. Oh, well folks, thanks for tuning in. Been a great one. And Tom, it's great to see you. I love you, buddy. It's great to see you. Yeah, I love you too. It's really good. And Tom, it's great to see you. I love you, buddy. It's great to see you. Yeah, I love you too.

It's really good. And you know. Come out to the lake. All right. Oh man, I would love that. I got a lot of square footage. I might move in. You could, I might not notice.

All right, come back next week for more Three Questions, bye. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco production. It is produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rich Garcia. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel. Executive produced by Nick Leow, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, with assistance from Maddie Ogden.

Research by Alyssa Grahl. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts. And do you have a favorite question you always like to ask people? Let us know in the review section. Can't you tell my love's a-growing? Can't you feel it ain't a-showin'?

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