The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Thomas Lennon: Bad Roommates (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: September 6, 2024

Actor, writer, and comedian Thomas Lennon (Reno 911, Santa Clarita Diet) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk BAD ROOMMATES! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories from callers about stolen cars, cooking lead in the kitchen, communal bathroom faux pas, contraband hoarders, and much more. Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hello! You know what that music means? Well, no, you probably don't. Why would you? It means you've had a stroke. I'm relatively new show. Your vehicle... You've just woken up in your General Motors vehicle. You're halfway into a swamp.

Yep. And the radio kicked on right on impact. We just encourage people on Tom's Instagram because he has a lot more people watching him than I do. And I actually, I'm not exactly sure how to get on I put a lot of sexy I put very sexy content really You got to get my way I'm sort of working my way over to only fans will be the nice the next that's a good That's a solid solid retirement plan. Do you ever hear about how much money people make on only fans? I mean, I don't think they all make the same, but some of them make a shitload. There's also people who, there's, I think there's a lady who sells her farts in a jar

and stuff like this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they did a bit about her on Stern, and that's, you know... It's real. It's real. Yeah. She sells, she puts, she farts into a jar. It's real, yeah. And then you send... How much are those, do we think?

Well, she also, she also sells her, she'll take like a, get in a hot tub and then sell jars of the water, yeah. Okay, when we take a break, I would like to see what she looks like, because I'm really curious. Men drink them, drink the water, yeah. Really?

Yeah, go men, nice work, men. Oh, she's coming up on the screen, we got her up. Oh yeah, Amaranth, I think, or something. Isn't that her name? No, yeah, go men. Nice work, men. I already did that. Oh, she's coming up on the screen. We got her up. Oh, yeah, Amaranth, I think, or something. Isn't that her name? No, no, yeah, for sure. Is that who it is? Yeah.

No, that's Stephanie Matto. I don't know. There's probably more of them. So there's a very big part of the economy right now, because there aren't really movies or TV that much anymore. A big part of our economy is beautiful young starlets farting in the jars. Right. And then they FedEx it?

What? You know, there's a lot of- I'm sure, yeah, they would have to FedEx it. A lot of our brave letter carriers out there. Mm-hmm. Do you think that they know that they've got a $200,000? Imagine if there was a wreck. Yeah, if there was a wreck, all that fart

is going to waste. Oh, this was a wreck. All that fart is going to waste. Oh, this is kind of a good, this is like a good, the opening of the next Ghostbusters movie. There's a bunch of, yeah. There's $3 million of farts in that truck. It's gotta get there safely. This one's about family.

Are you saying this entire truck is full of starlet farts? There's one guy alive in the world that could get us under that moving truck full of Starlet farts. Yeah. Oh, I want to set them free. Well, look, we gotta get back on track. Okay, except that this is the best idea for a movie

either of us have had in ten years. There's an 18-wheeler full of starlet farts racing across the country. All right. We're doing the show. We'll do the real show now. This is the Andy Richter College show. I know, but I have to tell them. Yeah, we're live. We're in the studio, in Hollywood.

Fuck all of y'all. We're in Hollywood. And we're going to be talking about bad roommates today. We put a prompt out to people. I know. You probably got some good calls. Because I reposted it. I should think, yeah. Well, you reposted it, yeah.

So without you, we're nothing. Do you know what's a funny movie about roommates? Did you ever see... This is quietly one of the most racist titles in the history of movies. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm waiting. There's a movie,

we all laughed when we saw it in New York, it's called Single White Female. Yes. Now here's the thing about that movie. The title comes from the ad, so, uh, Brigid van is looking for a roommate. Yeah. SWF. SWF seeks same.

Yeah. Why does she... why is she seeking a white female? They were different times, Tom. It wasn't that long ago! This is a... This is very recently. And also, when you're doing... This is super recently.

When you're doing a, like like a psychotic doppelganger movie, although it might be kind of funny to have the person be a different race, it doesn't work as well. I can't believe I'm sitting here letting you be the apologist of the most racist movie title that ever has racist. That is not the most racist. Yes, it is.

It's not that racist. It goes Uncle Tom's Cabin, SWF. Listen, white people have had it really good for a long time. We had a great, we had a great. They can take a few dings, so single white females, no problem. Do you have, What's a problem?

Do you have roommate, have you have any good roommate stories? Yeah, I got some okay ones. You know, I was trying to think of, I think the problem is in most bad roommate stories I'm probably the worst roommate. I'm probably the bad one. Yeah, you know cuz I used to be like a chain smoker You know, and then you know, sometimes I'm just bringing ladies home. I'm probably not you know There probably there are more probably stories about me than I have. I mean, the worst room I've ever had, freshman year at NYU, I got a call from, I think, the

FBI about one of my roommates. Do you remember, I don't know if this happened, but we used to have to get a telephone number when you moved into the dorms. And you had to like, we had to go to New York Telephone and you had to give them like 40 bucks and get a phone number. Oh, and get a hard landline. Yeah, get a landline. Landline, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we got a landline and it was in my name. But then my roommate had a stolen phone card number that he was using on that landline. And it was like reported stolen. But it was under my name. So I got a straight up call from like the FBI who was like just looking into like, why are all these, there's a lot of calls

coming from this number that's your number. And they're fraudulent, they're international. Yeah, they're international fraud. Or you know, it was a big deal. I remember my roommate came home and I talked to him about it and he was a bit of a dick about it. Yeah. Like, eh, eh. Was he from another land?

No, he was from, he was a homegrown terrorist. Right. The best kind, really. He was local, local terrorism. Yeah, yeah. No, but he. What was he, I mean, what was he calling overseas for? No, no, no, he was just calling,

he was making a lot of phone calls. I don't know if they were actually international calls. Oh, I see. But it was the amount of money made it an actual crime. Made the FBI care. Yeah, the FBI call. That seems crazy. The FBI, I think when we were young, had a lot of time on their hands.

I see. You know? Right, right. Before everybody was just doing crimes all day long. Or it was somebody's phone card that was like influential. No, I think it was just, there didn't used to be, like the FBI probably today, how much of their day do you think is internet crimes?

99.999%. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. So those didn't exist. So they used to be able to like spend a lot of their day on crimes. Thinking about you. Yeah. But now there's, you know, there's so many online scams that are magnificent. Yeah.

Great stuff. They don't even care about piracy anymore. How do you know that the fart in the jar came from who you thought farted it, for example? I think you just gotta, you know, you gotta, first of all, you can't buy your farts from an unreputable source. You gotta, yeah. That's why you use fart check.

Right, right, you're not just, like somebody can't just go on to OnlyFans and then like in a week be like, buy my farts. Does she sign the, does she like, with a wax pencil like sign the jar, you know like when Penn and Teller do a bit and they sign, they make you sign it? Yeah, yeah.

So you're positive. I think there's probably a certificate of authenticity that's notarized by someone there. I don't know, Tom. I've never bought a fart. I get them free. What are you doing? I have a fart farm, basically.

I feel like I know what your Christmas gift is gonna be for me. She made $200,000. I'd also like to argue that's not that much money in show business. Well, there is... Like, if you were a movie star, and you got paid $200,000 for a movie...

The one that I was talking about that had been on Howard Stern, who sells her bath water, like, she's one of the biggest... Of course, it's like North Florida. She she's one of the biggest, of course it's like North Florida. She's like one of the biggest landowners in North Florida. Yeah, there you go. My grandmother used to say an expression.

She has her $1,000 farm jars. They're bringing these up for us. To damn you with faint praise. Yes. To damn you with faint praise. So to be one of the largest landowners in Panama City, Florida. Exactly.

Is a... It's a, yeah, it's kind of like being the smartest kid in the slow class. Can I say this and be a real dick for a second? Oh, by all means, that's what peep, that's the Tom Lennon touch. When you brag about how much you charge for a fart in a jar,

you're leaving a paper trail for the United States government. This is an invitation for an audit. For an audit, yeah, yeah. Like if I'm the guy sitting there across the desk, and I assure you, the guy looks just like me. Sure. Who's sitting at an IRS office in North Florida.

And he- Probably pastier. You've got a nice tan. Today, that's the blood pressure a little bit too. Oh, okay. Some of that's just rage. Um, but so, so comes across your desk. You're like, oh, here's Julie from North Florida.

She's great. She did a great, had a great year. Wow, she made $38,000. Uh huh. Click, click, click, click, click. And 200 that you didn't report in farting jars. Right, right, 200 grand, yeah. Hey Julie, hi, IRS. Let's see your jars. Hands, right, 200 grand, yeah. Hey, Julie? Hi, IRS.

Let's see your jars. Hands, farts where I can see them. All right, who's on the line? We need some, we need your fart inventory. Let's see that spreadsheet. Hey, let's go to the calls, because that's the point of this thing, I guess. Sometimes I forget.

Johnny, yo, Johnny from Chicago. Hello. Andy. How are you? Good. I'm great talking to you. And I didn't know I was going to be on the phone with Thomas Lennon.

Johnny, where in Chicago are you? And be very specific. OK, you know, you go left. OK, you get to like, OK. When you get to Chicago, you go left. OK, OK, you get to like, OK. When you get to Chicago, you go left. OK, that's Milwaukee. That's a North Side. Or North Side or Milwaukee.

I'm on my way to your house. Yeah. Uh-oh. No, I'm just north. I'm in Evanston. Evanston, beautiful, beautiful. Oh, yeah, then that's not Chicago. Got a lot of friends at ETHS, and it's a beautiful little spot.

And did you go Northwestern? I didn't. No, I got rejected too. I did, yeah, no, I couldn't afford it. So Johnny, tell us, tell us your roommate story. So I go away to college and they run out of dorm rooms, right? Okay, where is this?

We need to know this. What's the locale? Yeah, I went to Illinois State. Okay, okay. That's blooming to normal for people that don't know. So you're about as smart as me and Andy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm doing the math, it's all tracks.

Yep. Good, good. That's good to know that I can be successful someday. We're a click. And so they put me in a lounge in the meantime until they get a room. So it's just a big empty room with bunk beds and a tile floor. And it's just me and one other dude that I've never met. And he's, uh, he's a drinker, you know, and he would,

he'd go out every night and come back drunk and then he would sleepwalk. And during his sleepwalking in the middle of the night, he would piss on the tile floor. No, no. After about a week I started noticing like these yellowish brown spots all around the white tile floor in our room. You know it's pretty big room so I was going to discover them as I would go to you know go somewhere and yeah that that was not cool but luckily he left after a little bit. And then I got a room and, you know, happily ever after. But the cool karma thing is he left for the weekend and I had a buddy come down

and we went out and partied and my buddy threw up all over himself and then passed out in his bed. Nice. So it kind of like, you know, evened out the universe. John, I'm going to tell you right now, this is the gift. You know, the number of times, and I do have a couple other roommates, Doris, now that I'm thinking about this. Yeah, me too, this was sparking some stuff.

The gift of a tile floor. Yeah. You know, because this is a couple, this is some pine-sol and you're aces. Yeah. You know, this is why they make, you know, have you ever been in a chimpanzee cage and I've been in thousands?

Right. The floors are either a polished concrete or a tile with a drain. In the center, yeah. Yeah, and you know, you can just throw lettuce in there. So this was, this is a great move because I had a roommate, second year at NYU, came in lit to the gills, barfed, and we had carpeting.

And it literally never really left. Yeah, there's always a little skosh of puke smell. Ghost barf will haunt you for a thousand years in a day. And that's when I moved into the closet. I literally moved into the closet of our dorm room. I did, it was a big enough closet that a person could move into it. Right, right.

And I moved into it, and it was actually the same closet that Mo Willems, children's author, had lived in two years ahead, right. And I moved into it and it was actually the same closet that Mo Willems, author, children's author, had lived in two years ahead of me. And lived in the closet too? Exact same closet. Wow. It was big enough, the NYU closets were big enough to. What a famous closet that is.

So, wisdom on the floor, did he not clean it up though? When the morning time came, was he a gentleman? No, neither of us were really too into cleaning or responsibility. Right. I was in the same boat at the time, but I just wasn't a sleepwalking floor pisser. Yeah.

So, and whatever, that's someone else's problem. Johnny, if I'm trying to find a silver lining in this, is it better that he was peeing on the floor instead of fucking it? Is there any silver lining in that? Well, one can't really be sure. I mean, maybe I'm being a Pollyanna. Yeah, yeah.

I think sleepwalking and peeing is much easier. Have you ever slept on? Sleepwalked? I never have. You wouldn't really know, would you? I never have, yeah. Or would you know? No, but I mean, I would just think that, you hear a lot of talk about sleepwalk peeing,

not so much about sleepwalk ejaculation. You just don't. Well, there's a lot more. It's more time consuming. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm surprised nobody in our crack team has Googled sleepwalk ejaculation. All right, Johnny, thank you for the call. Give our love to everybody in Evanston by the way it's a great little town we

love Evanston. I hope you're not having thunderstorms today. We've had big thunderstorms lately. You know I like to keep a breast of local stuff. Oh you do? Yeah. Oh that's good. So stay safe from those thunderstorms and stay cool because it's a very hot day in Evanston today for sure guys and Tommy Thanks for the state tour buddy. Thanks, buddy top-notch loved it. Oh, thank you. Do it do it again appreciate it Thanks Calling a guy who's I know is Tom who but is Thomas everywhere legit calling him Tommy That is top flight Chicago. It was pure and it made me feel like I was in Chicago

yeah because in Chicago that is what I'm exclusively referred to as cousin Tommy Tommy Tommy's thing fucking Tommy fucking cousin Tommy no I sent him my screenplay like five times all right next caller on the Andy Richter call-in show on the Conan O'Brien radio series, XM Channel 104. Send us your screenplay. Just... We're live, by the way. Scott, what's going on, bro?

Well, hold on, I gotta say the 855-266-2604. Give us a call if you've got a good roommate story. Would you say that again, because you said it in a way that no normal person would remember. 855-266-2604. There you go. That's the way a normal person says a phone number. And I believe it's probably playing on the display. Is the number not on the display? Yeah.

In your General Motors vehicle? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Nice. In your Volt. It's right there. Scott, from Indianapolis, not far. We're really hitting the Midwest. Beautiful city.

We love Indianapolis. Scott from Indianapolis, are you there? Yes, I am. Hey, guys. Hi there. You got Andy and Tommy. Scott, where are you in Indianapolis and be specific? Broad Ripple. Excellent. Wow. My college- nobody knows that. My college girlfriend went to Valparaiso, so I know I'm pretty good. It gets north. I can get around Indiana pretty well. Once you get down south of Indianapolis, you might as well be in Appalachia. That's true. They say y'all and stuff like that.

Yeah, they do. Yeah. And that's a whatever you just said was a very Indian apple. That's a very Appalachia. Broad ripple? Is that what you said? Exactly. Yeah.

Wow. Broad ripple. We're along the river. Wait, are you along the White River? Broadest of ripple. Are you along the White River? Yes broadest of ripples. Are you along the White River? Yes, we are. Isn't it amazing how much stuff I know? It really is.

It's just, I'm teary. It really is. It's amazing, and it's amazing that something could be so amazing and so dull. All at once. Like, it's like... That really does describe me jaw-droppingly dull. You're calling from Indianapolis?

You're near a river? I know the name of the river. Is that the White River? Broad Ripple, sure, by the White River. The joke is every river in Indiana is pretty white. This is just early onset old white manism is what it is. Just knowing, oh, is that, oh, yeah, sure, I've been up there.

There's scotch tape in the room. Scott Scott unless I'm reading this wrong you killed your roommate Scott we've talked too much. Well he almost killed himself, but My roommates I went on an extended vacation went on a three-week vacation To the East Coast to go see some fish shows this was in three-week vacation to the East Coast to go see some fish shows. This was in 2003. How many fish shows Scott? How many? I'm sorry? How many fish shows in three weeks? How many?

Yeah. Actually, it was only five, but the festival was included and that was three days, so I'd say eight. And what kind of drugs were you doing? And what kind of drugs were you doing? Honestly, none at that time. It was all just, well, goo balls. So probably just weed and and youth. Okay, because yeah, because I mean, I don't know how anybody listens to that music without drugs. No offense. I mean, I get it. I just got one of them because Drew Carey started telling me about them a lot.

Yeah, yeah. And you like them? He's started telling me about them a lot. Yeah, yeah. And you like them? He's been telling me about them a lot. It's just, it's beyond me. No, I like it. It's music for if you have a ton of time to kill. Yeah, yeah. I don't.

I've got so much to do. If you're like, man, I have no plans for the next four days. Fish. Have you tried fish? All right, Scott, so anyway, so there's a fish concert that you've gone to, correct? You're at Fish, you're at eight fish shows on the East Coast.

I'm gone outside of Indianapolis for three weeks, came home after that trip, and found my truck is gone, asked one of the roommates, hey, where's my truck is gone, asked one of the roommates, hey, where's my truck? And he said, oh, Baxter, the other roommate, crashed it into a telephone pole while you were gone, coming home from a party. And so it's at the tow yard now.

And yeah, he had totaled my truck. Oh, I forgot to tell you about this huge felony. There's a huge felony that you are wanted for. You are the only suspect in a string of crimes created with your truck. I guess I'll tell you now. Yeah. Now was your truck, was it an understood policy that your truck was available for borrowing? No, no, that was the big problem with the whole experience. I had put the keys there, you know, because If you got to move it or something. If you need to move it.

Yeah, one thing is that Baxter was an enormous asshole. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but Baxter took it as an invitation to just use it. And so he wrapped it around a telephone pole now the problem with the situation and this is part of my naivete and I grew from this but you know I was gone for three weeks so I cancelled my auto insurance. Oh no. Yes. Oh no. Oh no. Yeah I I thought I'd save some money. I could buy more goo balls and- I still, hey Scott, can we do a quick pause?

What's a goo ball? It's rolled oats, oatmeal, brown sugar, whatever they put into it. You're talking about gorp? Is this something different than gorp? And then weed. Oh, it's just a weed delivery system. It's a weed, it's a-

Yeah. Exactly. It's a hippie weed delivery system. It's a weed, it's a... Exactly. It's a hippie weed delivery system. It was a great edible before. I see, I see. Okay, okay. Goo balls, okay. Great edibles before edibles were really a thing. Right, right, right.

Okay, okay. So you've put all your money, all your loose monies in goo balls and you're now wanted by the Indiana State Police. And you now, yeah, I mean, were the police aware police aware of this, of this, you know, damage to public property? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were there, they showed up and he had a lot of explaining to do because it's not registered under him.

It doesn't have insurance. Right. So he got a suspended license out of this. And was he, was he DUI? Was he, was he drunk too? He was not ever checked because the situation was so bizarre. Also, this was way out in the country, out on the west side of Indy.

You get into farmland pretty quick. And people are drinking all the time. So he's out somewhere, sorry, just to get real specific, he's out past the 465? Oh, my God, just shut up. I love it. Just shut up. So he's out, he went out on that. North of Avon. Okay so he's passed the 465. Oh my god. Your poor family. Pointless Midwestern

knowledge. Oh they tuned me out a decade ago. Alright so anyway so you're out he's out in the country and out there if they pull anyone they pull over is gonna be drinking right? That's I mean it was a what a Friday or Saturday night. He had been out at some barn party, you know a barn Coming back into the city and Was definitely on one of those old country roads where he just hit a telephone pole farmer down the street called the cops. They came but yeah, he had so much to drop in a day they never checked them. Wow. So now I will say this as you Scott as a guy who lives in in the great the Hoosier State. I'm just gonna ask a quick question. Do you I find one thing that I never do in Indiana is fuck around.

Because the show of force, and as a guy, I live in the Midwest a lot of the time, and I'm from Chicago, obviously I'm as Andy, but the show of force of the Indiana State Police is usually very, very strong. It rivals a state in like the deep south. And they have the cool hats, and they don't mess around.

There is something very... There's a lot of them. Yeah, there is something like extra sort of SS... Yeah, the safety's already off with the Indiana State Police, I find, and they're just ready. I never, ever, ever speed in Indiana as a result. It's just a thing you don't do.

Goof around in Wisconsin, goof around in Illinois like crazy, goof around in Minnesota, don't fuck around in Indiana. I'd agree. So how does this resolve itself or does it? You're just out of truck and fuck you and hooray Baxter? No, in the end Baxter, it's Midwest nice, right? Yeah. We were living together, we had to figure this out. He had a suspended license, I had no truck.

His dad was a pit crewman for one of the race teams at the track. So he's got his tools and such in the barn. So he went to work on it, replaced a bunch of stuff. The truck, I sold about eight. This just became a Bud Light commercial. Yeah. Buddy fucks up his buddy's truck, brings in an actual NASCAR pit crew. Right.

To like, turn it into a supercharged fuckmobile. I'm sorry, I fucked up your truck. Right between the sound machine. Turn it into a supercharged. I'm sorry. I fucked up your truck I guess I'll have to put these tires on yeah Scott I think you're gonna like it drops the keys in your hand and there it is Yeah, unfortunately if you put it together in a terrible way, it worked for a little bit but they did it as cheap as they could but they fixed it so it would run. Sorry about your truck. Every time I see that guy, every time I see him around town because it's Indianapolis,

it's small, he is always just apologizing to me left and right for- Baxter or Baxter's dad? That whole experience. Baxter. Oh. See, if you ask me, Baxter owes you an Indy car. I like to dream. Yeah.

Well, thanks, Scott. Thanks for the call. This one already came with two girls leaning on it. What? That's right. In tube tops. Thank you, Scott. Lauren from California. Can we be more specific, Lauren?

Hello. Hi guys, thank you for having me on. Hi Lauren. Yeah, where are you from in California? California is the size of Europe? Fullerton, California. Oh, of course, Fullerton. Very good.

I have in-law people, some wife's family live over there, cousins and aunts and so forth. Yeah, but less about me, more about you. So Lauren, it says here, you killed your roommate? Is that what I'm reading? Why does this keep saying this on all the call-ins? Rageahawks? I wanna do, but she practically killed herself.

Oh, wait, no, this isn't really what it's about. That's not the end, is it? No, no, no, no, herself. Oh, wait, no, this isn't really what it's about. That's not the end, is it? No, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, oh, god. Okay, god, because that would have been- There's definitely major injuries involved with her. That's more like a Dr. Drew kind of recalling show. Okay, yeah, because that would be a classic Thomas Lennon

to make a joke that turns out to be horribly, horribly accurate. And accurate. Yeah. So tell us about your roommate ordeal. Well, her name was Toni. I was studying abroad in Germany and this was my first experience with roommates. Yeah.

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A German woman. She's a German woman. Okay. Anyways. So Toni. Yeah. AKA Antoinette. Antoinette. Ah. Toni has many names. Toni has many names.

Yeah. Not many names. No, it's Phan Naman, but yeah, okay. Oh my God, I'm getting corrected. So anyway. Okay, so she moved in about a week before the semester officially started and I had been there about a month. And so I thought my other roommate, male roommate,

Nico was very nice. So I thought, okay, well, and Nico told me Tony's really nice, too And she's great. Okay, that's good So when I met her she seemed really uppity, but I thought well Maybe that's just first impressions and the language barrier and so forth and so but it just got really bad It was like the first week of the semester and on she would face and sorry Tom But she was a chain smoker and she would sit in our living, our shared living area,

chain smoke and watch Friends and How I Met Your Mother. She would sit in Wauken, also by the way, I played Carl on How I Met Your Mother, so I'm taking offense at every single thing you just said. One as a smoker, two as a cast, as a minor cast member of How I Met Your Mother. She was sitting in Wauken and watching How I Met Your Mother. She was sitting and raucon and watching How I Met Your Mother.

Okay. But it would be in German, Tom, so it wasn't even your voice. Ah, it's auf Deutsch, yeah. Yeah. And so she would do that, and she would sit out there until 4 a.m., full volume, no headphones, chain smoking, watching this on a Tuesday morning.

And I was just... And then other nights, she would invite people over so everyone could chain smoke and then they would stay until four or five a.m. in our like living area. I like this Tony a lot, by the way. I know this is not the idea of the call. But she's my peeps. He's got a crush on her. Do a little bit. I have in my mind, I know if Tony looks anything like Kate Bush, yes, this whole thing works.

Well, she was a little redhead. She was about five feet tall, redhead. You literally stop. Yeah, Tom just fainted. Yeah. Um, all right, so, now, and this is, and this is, smoking inside, like, is okay at this point, right? No, it was not. Oh, it was not.

Oh, okay. We're beyond, yeah. We were not. Yeah, we were not allowed to smoke at all. And if you snitched her out, you would be, you know, it'd be be obvious and it would be awkward and plus she's your friend she's little tony with her red bob and her huge natural boobs did you say that or am i just starting to fill in other parts you're definitely filling

in other parts okay okay um but then at one point it was her birthday and her parents gifted her this speaker system for her tiny dorm room. She likes Kraftwerk. Yeah. And so it felt like she was watching Mission Impossible every night because the walls just vibrated once again until two or three in the morning. And you couldn't say anything to her because I did. And she said, well, I don't see what the problem is.

You can just come and watch the movie with me. And I said, I don't want to watch the movie at 3 a.m. I want to go to sleep. Was it also a movie that I'm in? Shit. So she's watching a TV show that I'm in. She might be watching Bad Teacher. It was all of the night at the museum. It was all the night at the museum. You're not in, though. She just wrote for us.

I'm in the second one, actually. You just tipped your hand that you've never seen Night at the Museum 2. I have, but I don't... I mean, I was actually. Oh, you're in the second one, oh. You just tipped your hand that you've never seen Night of the Museum 2. I have, but I was probably really high. Lauren, do you keep in touch with Tony? Absolutely not. I feel like you don't. And were there ever any sparks between you and the male roommate?

His name is? Nico. Nico. Nico. Yeah. Nico. Yeah. Nico, Tony, and Lauren. Lauren. Lauren. Well, it's funny because Nico was kind of

Tony's little errand boy, and so that really turned me off. Wow. Yeah. Very German. He was very nice, but yeah, he was definitely a little errand boy. Well, did it end up, how did it end up? I mean, did it end up? How did it end up? I mean, did it end up in unpleasantly?

I mean, I live for unpleasantness. It worked out for me. I ended up being able to switch rooms with someone, but in the meantime, she actually, she was so drunk. Her and Nico were out bar hopping, and she was so drunk. She tripped off a curb, sprained her ankle, fell on some glass, had horrible stitches. There was blood everywhere coming up the stairs to our dorm

because she was just fresh out of the hospital. And then, and for the next two weeks, all I'd hear is her yelling, Nico, Nico, Nico, like basically she's hungry. She wants something Nico. Like basically, she's hungry. She wants something, she wants this, she wants that. She wants more cigarettes. More cigarettes, Nico. Roll my cigarettes for me.

I need more tobacco, I need more rolling papers. And then she would, but it ended up working out great because she ended up crashing her Vespa at the end of the year and really hurting herself in having to leave school. Oh, no. That doesn't mean that's not worked out. That worked out great.

It worked out great. A beautiful young redhead face planted on a Vespa. Lauren, as a person who has laid down a Vespa, it's one of the worst things that can ever happen to you. I laid down a Vespa in the Greek island of Mykonos, doing about 55. I hadn't slept in three days. And our great pal, Ken Marino, threw me over his shoulder

and carried me to the hospital. Wow. That sounds like something Ken would do. If you are gonna lay down a Vespa, you want Ken Marino right next to you. Heck yeah. He will, yeah. That's nice.

All right, well, Lauren, thank you so much for calling. Thank you guys, thank you for having me. Vielen Dank. You know, one of the things that this talking about smoking, because when- Did you used to smoke too? Yeah, I used to smoke. Did you used to smoke like crazy?

And in college, because I was in college, starting in 1984, I used to smoke, and in college, because I was in college, you know, starting in 1984. And you could smoke. We smoked in the... You could smoke in the dorm, but... We smoked in the cafeteria. The state we always met, like all of our times we would eat together

was in the smoking section of the Rubin Dining Hall at NYU. Yeah. I just remember, because I didn't smoke in the room, because I actually did, I was a very fastidious smoker. Like I never would smoke in a closed room. Oh, I was an addict, I would smoke. Would you, yeah. I smoked on airplanes when you could, yeah, for sure.

I had a friend of mine who hated his roommate, and his roommate was kind of a dick, and I would go over there, and his roommate would say, like, don't smoke in the room and my friend would go like oh I won't, I won't, I won't and then of course when he was gone he would smoke all he wanted and he would actually go to the guy's closet, open the door and blow smoke in, blow smoke through his washcloth and towel. That's a real dick move.

Oh yeah and he'd just laugh as he was doing it. What was your brand of cigarettes? Winston's. I was a Merritt. Winston Light. I'm a Merritt guy. And then eventually I moved to Merritt Ultralights, which was the joke thing that everybody

who said they were quitting did. But it really just meant you smoked 10 times more cigarettes. You smoked 10 times more cigarettes because you can't draw. Yeah, you just smoked them all day long. Because you never quite get the high that you want. Yeah.

You're chasing the dragon. The same friend's dad, because he would smoke ultralight cigarettes, but he would like crush the filters and roll them in his hands. So that more got through. Yeah, which would just sort of, you know, you might as well tear off the filter.

Yeah, it's like a free-basing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right, you're listening to the Andy Richter Collins show. I got Tom Lennon in here with me today. Thomas, Tommy, he goes by many names. You're about to learn about a city that I don't know anything about We get ready for no facts from me about this town. Well first I want to say if you've got a roommate story Give us a call at 855 266 2604

Let's go to mark from BMO, Baltimore. Hey Andy and Tom. How are you? Hi Mark. Thank you for being from somewhere that Tom is not familiar with. Well, we refer to it as Bleedmore here. Bleedmore, that's nice.

There's a lot of crime. We're from Chicago, so we don't know about crime. Yeah, yeah. Chicago's like, yeah. It's like living in the, you might as well be in the Wisconsin Dells. So tell us your story, Mark. Marvin, Mark?

Yeah, so I was a photo major at Rochester Institute of Technology. Mm-hmm. And- A what major? Photo. Oh, photo, photo major. Was this because, like, did you one day wanna be

a playboy photographer like every young boy, I think, in the 70s did? Well, day want to be a Playboy photographer like every young boy I think in the 70s did? Well, I wanted to be a fashion photographer like the Abaddon, but those dreams in Baltimore did not come true. I did make a great living, so I can't complain. So sophomore year, I had these friends in He told us to keep the toilet seat up all the time. Like, what do you mean keep the toilet seat up? I don't disagree with him on this.

Yeah. Well, here's where you may disagree. He likes to, when he shits, he doesn't use the toilet seat. He prefers to sit on the porcelain. Oh. Sit on the porcelain, not squat above it or anything. He doesn't do like a Utkatasana yoga pose. He literally goes cheek to cheek to cool

porcelain. Yeah it has to be. The only way that happens to normal people is like by accident. By accident. Oh wow! It's like someone stepped on your bike. Yeah yeah. So well okay so you continue Mark. Yeah so we constantly got berated by him because, you know, when you're a boy... I'm doing this voice. Hey, guys, I just saw the seat down one more time. If I see the seat down again, there'll be hellupe. Yeah, this is what was going on. It was like we were in a bizarro world.

And so, and he would always berate us because, you know, when you're scanning up to pee, you know, there's a urine balloon. Wait, who stands up to pee? And it kind of... We all stand up to pee, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I say why I think maybe he wasn't crazy at the gate, out of the gate though? And this is a pitch I make at my household a lot, where if the seat is up, nobody's gonna pee on it.

You know, you leave the seat up, nobody pees on it. And then when you gotta do your special business, you put it down and you know it's pristine. It's always pristine. Yeah, but within your own home, you oughta expect a certain standard of behavior. Yeah. You know?

I mean, who are these people you're living with? Yeah. No, I think, I mean, I think because, and this is where your roommate, what was his name again? Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron. Where Ron was special was that the reason

that you leave the seat down is so that, you know, the women in your household do not have that unpleasant sensation of having to sit down. Yeah, to sit down on the cold porcelain. That's why you do it. But also too, I just think, especially in a house that's gonna probably be mostly men, there's gonna be piss spray all over that porcelain.

And he's making ass cheek contact with that. Any toilet you use like that is something, we're talking about things that exist in the first world. Yeah, yeah. Now you can go places in the world where you do have to do a yoga squat. Right. That is what you get.

Yeah. And you don't get upset. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, I get it. I've encountered that and I have. And you got very, very upset. Can I get upset?

Very, very upset. I get upset. Yeah. Because I don't understand how you do that. Maybe I just don't have good knees, but I just, like, how do you... Well, it does take more core strength. How do you keep the shit off your pants is what I, you know, the main thing. We take your pants off completely.

Oh! Is what I do. Anytime that comes up. I do this in any public bathroom. I take my pants off completely. Shoes go on that little hook. I tie the shoes together onto the hook. Sure. F on that little hook. I tie the shoes together, onto the hook, fully nude, and then I roll my shirt up just a little bit

in case there's any splashing. Your family's just used to be you being gone for 45 minutes. There he is. Okay, Dad. And I roll everything back down. But I know that everything was pristine. Of course. Well, Mark, how did it end up? Oh, it went fairly well.

My other roommate Bill had, I've got a story about him if you care to hear. I would love to hear it. Do you have time to hear it? Oh yeah, oh okay. All right, Bill used to, he came from a small town south of the Finger Lakes, and he used to always conceal carry a pistol the class yeah and which I

thought was kind of strange but and in his room we all had our separate bedrooms and his on his desk he had one of those Dylan speed he would make his own bullets oh nice okay sure okay yeah. And he had like pounds and pounds of gunpowder. And one day I came home and I saw a pot cooking something on the stove. I lift the pot and it was like lead in there. He was melting lead in the pots that we cook our food in to cast his own bullets. And I'm like screaming at him. I'm like, Bill, this is how the Roman Empire felt. Yeah, and that stuff just won't wash out with dawn.

No. But he used to carry that pistol in his front waistband, the way you did in the big problem when you were that much much older. The way all professional gun handlers suggest. I wonder who he's voting for. Pointed at your boner. How much ammo is Bill going through that you gotta make so much?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That is a good point. It's literally the only thing in America that's very easy to find everywhere. Yeah, yeah. It's the only thing that's easy to find. Yeah, in some parts of the country, if you go into a chiropractor's office, instead of mints, there's just a bowl of bullets.

Just fill your pockets. Oh, boom. And it's also not a good idea to live in the same space as someone who's hoarding gunpowder. That could be a problem. Well, here's the thing. You know what I want somebody who's hoarding gunpowder on my side? The American Revolution. Yeah. And literally never since. Not since. Not one day since. No. Yeah. But there was definitely some days at you know at Bunker Hill where I'm like, I wish one of these fellas had some gunpowder.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a lot. He could ruin my cooking pots all he wanted. Well mark. Thanks for the call Keep your seats up. You're welcome. Okay. All right. Bye y'all. Bye. Bye And I also remembered one he wasn't I've had pretty decent roommates. Yeah, but I do I While talking about dorm stuff, I did remember there was it at University of Illinois Oh sure and Urbana champagne or, Urbana-Champaign or Champaign-Urbana, whichever you prefer, I don't judge. There was a guy from some little town in central Illinois that, you know, they used to throw credit cards at you, you know, when you started college.

There was like all these applications. Oh yeah, and he'd go, no, no, no. He got like five these applications. Oh yeah, and he'd go, no, no, no. Yeah. Oh no. He got like five of them. Oh no, no, no. And he got a car, and he got a stereo, and a seven-foot tall bong that you had to stand on a stepladder. And he was just like, we would be like, you know, that you have to pay that off.

He's like, yeah, but I'm going to have fun while doing it. And they came and took everything away. They took everything away. It was like within one year, one school year, we got to experience his high and low and ruined credit score. Did you ever go to Southern Illinois University? I was there for like some, I think, speech tea.

That's the drunkest I've ever been. Oh, really? At Southern Illinois University, they would play quarters with vodka. Mm. And believe it or not, at Southern, it wasn't really high-end stuff. Yeah, yeah, no, I can't add.

So we were playing quarters with vodka. And I remember that it was one of the roughest weekends of my entire life. It was Pennzoil brand vodka. It was rough. It was rough. Yeah, no, for people that don't know, first of all, Southern Illinois University, the accent is on Southern and it is a party school.

It is a big party school. It used to be listed as one of the top, the top ones. Yeah. All right, we've got Maurice from California or is it Morris? Do you pronounce it the British way? Morris, do you pronounce it the British way? I go by Momo. Momo, what's up Momo? Yeah, hey, well I got a story. So long ago now, I used to go to Humboldt State and when I first got there, yeah dude, and when I first got there,

I was looking for a place to live and it was just full. It was right before the semester started and I finally found this apartment and but it was a two-bedroom but I took it in desperation and I needed a roommate quick and quick I got one. I didn't know the guy and I came off as the quiet type but I soon learned he had a lot of quirks and a lot of weird little traits, but you know the short story is I'm lying in bed one night, it's late at night, and I hear the door open and shut to the front of the apartment. And kind of one of those moments where you just go, hey, you know what, I've been hearing

that and it's, you know, all of a sudden it's like, yeah, I've been hearing that like night after night. What is that? And it's always right before midnight. And it ends up that this dude was leaving the apartment and going to the graveyard and having a little, you know, break at the graveyard at the bewitching hour every night. And I, you know, I ain't no judge. Hey, hey, you know, I'm not judging, but it was just a little, little odd. And he always kept his door closed to his room. And after that happened, we were having communication problems. And we stopped. I want to put a pause on here and say, how did you find out it was the graveyard,

and what did he tell you what he was doing in any specific way? Okay, so you gotta imagine the guy. He's a tall, dark haired, dark looking guy. Not bigger than a werewolf, but okay. Like, yeah. Like Lurt. More like Lurt.

Okay. And I just directly asked him because when I put it together that he was leaving every night at midnight, I was just, you know, super curious. And so I just directly asked him what he was doing. And he told me. And I gotta say that I know that, you know,

the Monday morning quarterback says, well, I got all these follow-up questions, right? Well, I didn't, I was sort of just stymied I yeah, he said I was going to the graveyard and it was almost like you just uncovered a murderer I tell you why but I know why I know why he was doing this because I had this some of us have to do This if you're not back in the graveyard by midnight You don't get to walk and get to walk again in the daylight. You can't get to walk again in the land of the daylight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can't go amongst the day walkers if you aren't back in the ground for a little bit at least when the witching hour turns over. It's like plugging your phone in. 100%. Yeah, yeah. 100%. Maybe that's why I was so quiet.

It was just all clear to me at that moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just can't walk. You will never get one more day among the day walkers. Yeah. Yeah, but I gotta say that my investigation didn't stop there When he was gone, I cracked his door open and looked in his room and there's a famous painting. It's called the scream Yes, we're getting back into stuff. I know lot about. We're both smarty pants over here. Yeah, I know. Why'd I even ask you if you knew? But no.

So he had that poster on the wall. But the thing about it is, it had been crinkled and wrinkled, and it was all like half destroyed, but it was the only thing on his wall. Was he using it like a jizz rag? Was he using Edward Munch'sizz rag? Was he using it? Come on, this is a romantic story So but that's the only thing on the wall and on the floor he had kept every cereal box

He had had since he had been there and he had been taking Jars of things from the school from Humboldt State, he would, and get this, a marine psychology major. I don't even know if that's a thing. Do you just say marine psychology? Yeah, marine psychology. So like dolphin thoughts? Fish brains. Dolphin thoughts.

Yeah, yeah. I did, I did. That's what I said. And so he had all these things he had taken from the different departments and they were on the floor in jars, you know, different organs and fish and weird things. And so, you know, I was just another thing like, okay, I'm living with a very interesting person. And like, the final thing was, it was a long weekend and it was Friday, you know, and we're partying after class, it's 420, and he comes home and he's about to walk out the door and he's got like a bag of mayonnaise and bread and I go, where are you going? And he goes, I'm gonna hitchhike to Crescent City. Now mind you,

that's a jar from Humble State. And I'm like, oh, okay, far out. All right. And so anyway, he comes back Monday and he was in shorts. That's it. He left in a coat, shirt, you know, pants, shoes. He was in shorts, no shoes, and he had like a third degree sunburn and he had been jailed in Crescent City for a brief bit. But yeah, I finally got rid of him and here's the last part about it. I went back about a year and a half later with a different roommate, and we're in a bar and we see him. And he's dressed like completely normal. And he comes up, does he have a bag of man is station. He's like, he's normal. I have a whole chain of mayonnaise

sandwich restaurants now. I feel a lot better. My name is and that man was Jimmy John. He's like, look, sometimes I like to fuck the Edvard Munch poster Yeah, what's the big deal? I got a lot of marine things in a jar. I do have to tell you I'm also Jimmy John when I heard about the wrinkled Edvard Munch cum rag was the first thought went first on first off So anyway, what does he say? What is the dude say? He looks normal and I'm with my subsequent roommate, and we're looking at him, and we can't really believe how dressed up he is. And he comes over and he's like showing a bit of charisma, you know?

And he goes, yeah, things have been going really well. Now, I forgot to tell you, he'd been going to Humboldt State for like 10 years. He's one of these guys. Yeah, he's the real genius guy in the basement. Yeah, things are going really well. I wrote a book and it's in its second edit. Yeah, things are just... And so we start assessing away what it is and it ends up his mom's the editor

and it's a coloring book. Oh boy. Okay, it's not the Da Vinci Code. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Because I'm like, if this turns out to be Dan Brown, I'm so pissed. Because all he had was a bag of mayonnaise before.

It still was the triumphant thing that he did, you know? Coming from the graveyard to being a writer, albeit for children, albeit a color book. So it's a happy ending. It's a very happy ending, MoMo. It was about marine animals. Oh wow. So all that stuff was research. Wow. my next time my four-year-old is

coloring a book with like you know marine creatures that we've got at the aquarium we know it's a slurge yeah to school there. Wow. Well, thanks so much for the call. We got time for one more. Hey, do you ever just get in a room with Conan and have him thank you for all your one-liners over the years? Because you're the best man. Oh, thank you so much. No, I don't. He's profoundly ungrateful. I know. And I'm just used to it by now, to be honest. I'm just used to it. That's fine. You're the best.

It's Conan's world. We just live in it. I've only met him once. Yeah. It's the strangest detail. I've literally only met him once. He's only met Conan once. It was at Lincoln's, outside Lincoln Center, and the year would be like 1997 or 96.

That's the last time I've ever met Conan O'Brien. like 1990, 1997 or 96. That's the last time I've ever met Conan O'Brien. Doesn't that seem like he and I would- And he offered you a job, right? He said, if you ever need a job, come see us, or something like that. Yeah, yeah. You know, from like writing,

comedy writing or something like that. Yeah, did he wink when he said that? Cause that meant something different. I couldn't tell cause he's so tall. I had no idea, maybe he was winking. He could have been, yeah. But no, he seemed very nice. But we haven't chatted or met or crossed paths

or seen each other since 1997 outside Lincoln Center. I'm going to fix that. It's fine. I think it's just we just operated. I'm going to roll you up in a carpet and throw you in a van and take you to his house. What's the opposite of a Venn diagram? It's just two circles that are separate. And if you put a dot in them, it's boobies.

Yeah. Should I do one more call? Yes. All right, let's do one more call. We got Dave from California. Hey guys, how's it going? Hi, Dave. So yeah, I'm Colin from Sunnyvale.

I don't know if you know that. That's Bob. Okay. But my roommate was in college. This is another college roommate guy. But he was, he had the distinction of being the most hated person on the entire floor. He just, yeah, he decided to reinvent himself when he came to college, which was a good idea. Except it was, yeah, except he decided he wanted to be like the big man on campus

frat guy. But we were in a residential program for arts and letters. So it was a lot of like theater kids, musicians, artists, writers. Delicate flowers. Yeah, yeah. It really, it really wasn't working out. But he would do stuff like, you know, right, exactly. But he would do things like puke in the communal bathroom. And then blame it on other people. Oh.

When it was obviously him that had done it. Yeah. But it kept escalating. And there was a point where I walked into the communal bathroom and he's standing in front of the mirror, blow drying his pubes. Yeah. We call that the Max Weinberg. Yeah.

No, I eventually heard that story and was like, oh, there's more than one of these guys. Yes, exactly. Yeah, and it's a real thing. Yeah, he makes eye contact with me, quickly pulls up his underwear, and he's like, oh hey, how's it going, what's up? Like there was nothing amiss. And I was like, I don't know man,

and I turned on my heel, left, and then immediately told the guys who live next door, I was like, you will not believe this. know, man. And I turned on my heel, left, and then immediately told the guys who live next door, I was like, you will not believe this. Yeah, yeah. But then, and then I got back from class one time and our door was unlocked. We lived on the first floor and in these, in those dorm rooms, it was basically like shopping

if somebody could get in there. Right, exactly. They just come in and see you. On the first floor, especially. Yeah, so I get back, our door is unlocked, so I'm livid and he's nowhere to be seen. So I check next door, I'm like, hey, have you guys seen Ryan?

And they're like, no, I don't know where he is. I'm like, all right. So I go in there, I'm like, I better check and make sure like my guitar hasn't been stolen or any of that stuff. So I go to open the closet and I grab the closet handle, start to open it and it like leaps out of my hand and flams shut.

And I'm like, what the hell is going on here? He's in the closet. So I reach out grab it again grab it again go to open it slam shut again and I hear uh I'm in here and I'm like what is he doing in the closet and the only thing I can figure is that he's masturbating in the closet. Right sure of course. 100% you just got your pants all dry. I, Tom admitted he lived in the closet for purely that purpose. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and these, I mean, the only thing that closet, yeah, it was our shared clothes closet. I think I was a home brewing cider.

Oh, wow. It was a shared closet. So all of my clothes, I kept my guitar in there. But yeah, so I was like, well, do you need a minute? And he was like, yeah, I got, yeah. I was like, okay, I'd yeah. I was like, okay. So I left, came back about 20 minutes later and he was nowhere to be seen.

Next time this happens in your life. And people walk in on me, have walked in on me jerking off hundreds of times. Yeah, sure. That may be thousands. Right, right, right. The trick is don't hold the door closed. Just be like, be mad at them.

Yeah, yeah. You go on the offensive and you're like, now what? You ever hear of knocking on your own closet door? Yeah. That way you put them on the back foot. You want to get them on their back foot. Well, did you find out what was going on in there? I mean, did you get a black light and check it out?

Oh. What? I checked for some moisture. It seemed like it was clear. So he was at least being mildly responsible, right? But yeah, I ended up in this sort of stuff was happening constantly So I ended up I ended up transferring at the holiday break And I did this before he got back from holiday

And I just told the the rest of the dorm also hated him and I was like just tell him I got in a car accident And I was like, just tell him I got in a car accident and I'm dead. And I've never spoken to him again. The only time I think you should really be using a hairdryer on your groin is, you know, like when you put paper mache around your balls sometimes for fun, and then you use the cool setting. When you're making a pinata or something.

You're trying to make a pinata exactly the size of your scrotum, but you want it to dry very quickly Yes, that's the only time and again. You don't need the heat setting for that You don't you know you just need air cool air or you could also just stand over a box fan, too I mean, there's a lot of different ways, but that's a different show Well Dave thank you so much for the call Yeah, thanks guys really appreciate it. No problem have fun in a sunny sunny

Vail sunny Vail sunny Vail said what a pleasant sounding place it really does But it also sounds like the name they'd give a town in the Twilight Zone Yeah, where everything's gonna be real scary Yeah, yeah, they would call it like that they'd come down off the sign and it'd be real upbeat But then the guy drying his pubes that they'd come down off the sign and it'd be real upbeat, but then there'd be a guy drying his pubes and a lurch wolf man walking to the graveyard. All the weird shit would be going on.

All the weird stuff. And it would just say, welcome to Sunnyvale. We're all fine here. All right, well now we usually pick a favorite caller. I mean, it's not like, there's no prize involved. Do you have one? I just am fascinated by the midnight visits. I like Graveyard Guy. Yeah.

Was that Momo who called about Graveyard Guy? I think so. Yeah. I like Graveyard Guy. Yeah. I wish we had followed up a little bit more on that, because you didn't really say why he went to the graveyard every night. Yeah.

And I honestly, if that was me, I would... I have some follow-up questions. Yeah, I would do a Hardy Boys and follow him. Absolutely, you're right. Right out there. Yeah, yeah. Just to see what the hell is going. And it just, you know, it's probably just...

Does he turn into a bird? You know, I mean, what is the... Something a little, yeah. You know, it's probably just dry-humping a marble angel. Is there a little... Something like that. Is there a little boy yeah. You know, it's probably just dry humping a marble angel, something like that. Is there a little boy that only he can see, that he has to go, you know, that the little boy doesn't know that he's dead

in the thing, you know, and he's gotta go tell him, he's gotta read him a story. Keep them company. You gotta keep that good old, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I doubt it. It's like a Neil Gaiman. No, it's probably just some jerkin' off thing. It's probably, it's probably jerkin' off. 98% of the time it's a jerkin' off thing.

I wanted to say maybe it was a beautiful Neil Gaiman story that hadn't, that we don't know yet, but it's actually jer jerking off. 98% of the time, it's a jerking off thing. I wanted to say maybe it was a beautiful Neil Gaiman story that we don't know yet, but it's actually jerking off. Most of those Gaiman stories are jerking off. Ultimately, they're for jerking off. Everything I've ever read of his just gets me going. I know that you have that weird, you got real into Coraline for a while in a way that I was like, wow, Andy's really into that.

Yeah, it was a problem. It's actually what broke up my first marriage. All right. We have a good time. Thank you so much, Tom. You got anything you want to plug? No. No?

Come on. Yes, I'm on the new season of Animal Control when it comes on on Fox. Oh, sweet. I'm on that. You'll see me. That's a fun show. Yeah, I'm like the little guy. I'm the that. You'll see me. That's a fun show. Yeah, I'm like the little guy.

I'm the guy who looks exactly like me. You know who it is. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever get to play, like, you know, the lovable, effusive guy? No. No. No. Little... Just the detail-oriented...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, usually not the greatest guy. Right. That's fine. And that's not who you are at all. No, but I also... It's good to know what you... You know, to know the kind of story you tell. Yeah.

You know? What kind of groove you're cutting into the earth. I understand what the groove that I'm cutting into the earth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it's not necessarily, you know, since I cannot prove a lover, I shall prove a villain. You know, there's like, there's a good precedence for this. Yeah.

Yeah, no, that's a fun show doing animal control, and you know, I'm always around. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Excellent. All right, well, that's a fun show, doing animal control, and you know, I'm always around. Yeah, yeah, excellent. All right, well thank you all for listening. This has been another episode of the Andy Richter call-in show. Every Wednesday, we're here on Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104, come on back. I might start selling farts in a jar. That heist movie is solid.

Truck full of farts. It is pretty good. Truck full of jar farts. It is pretty funny. Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio!