The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Tim Baltz: All Wild-Cards! (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: August 14, 2026

Comedian and actor Tim Baltz (The Righteous Gemstones, Widow's Bay) joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show to discuss your WILD-CARD stories! Next week, we want to hear your COP STORIES with comedian Gil Ozeri! Want to call in for a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Bride. Andy Richter. Andy Richter call-in show. Very happy to be here. We're a little late because Tim Baltz was late. I was late. And if you'd seen what I'd done in traffic, you'd be applauding me right now. Oh, did you, like, endanger lives and break laws?

Oh, yeah. I'm sure Flock could track how much time I made up on the highways to get here. As long as they don't have audio, I'd play that footage. Right, right. The audio was, it ain't pretty. Right, right, right. L.A. traffic is real. I'm sure, I'm sure you know that.

Now, but you have a good excuse because you are a brand new daddy. Yes, brand new dad. So is that what the delay was? It was. It was just brief child care. I was waiting to be relieved. Yes. And by your deadbeat wife.

Yeah. Absolutely. Just bummer of a wife. Yeah. God, if she could bring smiles or laughter to the table, it'd be great. But she doesn't. Now, your wife is Lily. Lee Sullivan, the very talented, funny comedian in her own right.

Yes, my favorite comedian. You're probably very competitive as to which of you is more charming and talented. You know, I tell her every day. I tell her every day. I hope it's you because I want to retire. Right, exactly. I want to get out of the game. Oh, yeah, I have no ego about that.

No. Please. You want to make a pile of money? Yeah, I'll cook. I'll clean. I don't care. Every recipe she makes, I'm like, all right, teach that to me. Yeah.

Because I want to eat that when you're working and I'm sitting at home. Right, right, right. And even the parking garage, if there was footage of that, it says five-minute, five-mile-per-hour limit. Yeah, yeah. I was going at least eight. Oh, wow. So, wow. I did my best. Yeah.

You know, that was noted. I'm sure that someone at corporate headquarters right now is towing your car. Well, here's a question for you, because we're both Illinois boys. Yes. When you, I grew up in Joliet and not much else to do other than drive around. Yeah. Then gas was, you know, 70 cents a gallon. So you would just inherit some awful, you know, beat up automobile and punish the hell out of it.

1974 Burek's century. Whoa. Yeah. 84 Toyota Corolla. Nice. And I wrecked that single car accident. That was all me. No other drivers involved.

But I drove like an animal until I was in my mid-20s probably. And I don't know if that was recreationally, like shared. in Illinois DNA? I wonder how you grew up driving? I, well, I think I, you know, I was a kid, so I probably did lots of stupid stuff, but like I'm not, I don't think I was ever like a crazy, like lead foot have to drive as fast as I could, you know?

Yeah. I mean, occasionally, I guess. And when I, like, moved out here and got nice cars, and like for a minute, I had a, a mini Cooper like the but and it was a manual transmission stick shift and it had the John Cooper Works which is the like you know

jazzed up racier version of it and I drove that thing like an asshole I drove like an asshole in that because it just was fun you know did you ever bottom it out because it sits pretty low oh absolutely and and the performance one you know it's got like the big narrow tire

you know, like, and turn it, you know, shallow tires, I should say, not narrow. Like, you could feel a nickel. Yeah. You went over a nickel. That's how, yeah. It was not a comfortable ride. No. It was fun and it was fast.

But then I had to, when I first, I had two kids and, you know, and we all four fit in there with the baby seat. But I have, my seat was all the way back. And once my daughter got big enough where she could literally kick me in the back of the head in that car, I had to get another car. I was like, okay, this is, I can't be kicked in the back of the head. Yeah, there's always an expiration date looming for a car like that. I'm glad that you had your young. I did, I did. But I think also too in Illinois, you do, I mean, I do think that you're like, it's more open driving.

Don't you feel like like Midwestern driving? You know, I always feel like in the Midwest, if it takes two hours to get there, that's like, oh, that's no big deal. Oh, people scoff at like three or four hours. Yeah, yeah, okay, whatever. They'll do a two-hour commute to work and not blink twice, which I think is kind of crazy. It is. I've absolutely ended friendships because people moved to the west side. I know.

No, I know. It's just the way it is. I know. There's times sometimes when something will, I'll just think of like the concept of Venice, Venice Beach. And I'll be like, oh my God, I might as well be thinking of St. Louis. Yes. You know, because I've been to St. Louis more frequently than I have to Venice Beach. I have cousins in San Francisco from Joliet.

Yeah. And I've seen them more frequently than friends that I've had for decades that live in Santa Monica, for example. It's their fault. It is. Yeah. It was selfish on that part. Why would you move over there? What?

The weather? Yeah. The scenery? No. Well, Tim. For those you don't know, Tim is a very funny comedic actor. Most recently probably I would say best known for righteous gemstones, don't you think? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And do you have anything happening now that people should avail themselves of? Well, I did a very fun episode of Widows Bay. Okay. The Apple show. Is that for the second season or the first season? The first season.

Oh, that's right. You're in like kind of, it's like, isn't it like a fantasy kind of sequence? Yeah. I'm kind of the first haunt that appears in episode two. I remember, yeah. Yeah, which was really fun to play like a scary character, you know. Yeah, yeah. That was great.

The, what else? Oh, there's a Bobby Fairley movie called Driver's Ed that came out. I believe it's going to start streaming soon. I forget where exactly because I, it's above my big grade. Oh, I know. I watch shows that I can't remember where they are. Yeah. I have to try through.

I'm like, is it Hulu? Is it Amazon? You Google it, right? I'm always Googling like, what is the streaming out? Sometimes. Or I just go until I find it. I just flip around the different streaming services and it's, nope, not that one, you know. The analog version of just using your remote control.

Yes. Yes, yes. Well, I still, because I get live TV through Hulu, not for any reason other than that's just how it evolved in my life. Yeah. You know. But I still flip around like an old person. I still put on the TV and go, oh, let's. Let's see what's on.

Yeah. And my children, my older kids think that it's insane. Like, why would you do that? To do it on live TV. Yeah. Why wouldn't you think, okay, of these things that I have available to me, I'm going to watch this one. And I'm like, because I want to feel like I'm making a connection with something outside of my own little bubble of recorded entertainment. Yes.

I'm watching, like I'm watching Family Feud. because it happens to be on BET right now. You know? Yes. And so I'll watch, you know, like there is, it's happening out into the world. I'm making a connection with a broadcast entity outside of myself, you know? It's like we're, we're now far enough into the algorithm that we kind of self-curate our own algorithm and then we have to break it ourselves.

Yeah. Which we grew up, you know, we had limited options, but you were choosing it and you could flip around. And I, so we never had cable as kids. So it was UPN Power 50, it was Fox 32, it was ABC, NBC, CBS, a handful of weird channels. Channel 44. 44. You got all the, all the, like, Japanese kids shows. Yeah, yeah.

You know, Speed Racer and Johnny Soco and his giant robot. 23, Channel 23 had like this Korean public access Bible show. Mm-hmm. And, like, all of it was very eye-opening. And I loved the UPN Power 50. I'd watch 2-27, different strokes. What else was on, A-Team. Yeah.

Those were great. Yeah, yeah. And it was all when my parents weren't at home, you know. And so, yeah, I missed that a little bit. Without it, I think I wouldn't have discovered any of those, any of those things. Also, now being a parent, and I'm sure you went through this, you have limited time. So you end up picking an episode of something, and it's usually what people are talking about. You're like, oh, I don't want to fall behind.

Right. I got to watch, you know, I got to catch up on. Yeah, no, I tired years ago of the homework of television watching. You know, like, you know, like, oh, my God, I've really let, excuse me, I've really let the soprano slip or whatever. Like, oh, no, Madman, I'm four episode behind. And I sort of feel like, yeah, that's not really, shouldn't be like that. We just watched for the first time Breaking Bad, Mad Men. Yeah.

And there was one other big one that I'd never seen. Sounds like someone was pregnant. Yes. Yeah. That's exactly what it was. Yeah. And then in the first few weeks, what did we watch? We watched Widows Bay, which we really loved.

We watched maximum pleasure guaranteed. Yeah. And boy, there was one other one that we were really churning through. But, you know, new parenthood brain, everything's been wiped clean. It's as smooth as my baby's butt. Nice. Well, Tim, today we are doing an all wildcard show. And that just basically means any topic goes.

You know, we normally will have a topic dating disasters, ghost stories, which is my favorite. I've gotten literal chills from people calling in with ghost stories. You're a believer. Not really. And I would love, but I'd love to see a ghost. but I, you know, I really would. Because it's like, you know, the whole notion that they're malevolent creatures is like, well, no more so than anybody else, you know.

Yeah. They're just a person that's dead and not moved on, you know. Remember in ghosts, there's that one guy who's like, he channels all his ghost powers to kicking a can. Do you remember this? Is that the movie ghost? Yeah. I have never seen the movie ghost. There's like one character.

He's in a subway or something like that. He's on a platform and he gets all mad and he kicks a can. And I remember thinking, well, if that's all that he can do, there's ghosts out here that are just like, well, I'm turn it. When you turn the light on, I'm turning it off. Yeah, I think that, yeah, that's always a flaw in things when ghosts can actually manifest things in the real world. I just like I remember there was that the, I think it was maybe the first Ryan Murphy American horror story. It was like a haunted house with like Connie Britton and some other.

I don't remember exactly. But I watched because I was like, all right, cool. A whole like horror big, big budget horror series. I'm in it. And then one of the ghosts murder someone. And I was like, fuck this. I, that, like they're done. They're just, they're done.

That's the end of it. If a ghost can murder you, just, lay there and let the ghost murder you because you cannot beat a ghost that can murder you. And then if it's then a ghost can do anything, but it doesn't have to do all the like tedious stuff that humans have to do. Right. It doesn't have to go to the bathroom, take a shower, you know, brush your teeth. I can watch you doing all those things.

Oh, God. This is this. This is where Ryan Murphy lost me, frankly. These ghosts are watching me go to the bathroom. They sure are. I'm out, Ryan. That's mainly what they do. In fact, I bet you that's why there's ghosts.

Yeah. There's just freaks that are like, I'm not going into that light. I'm going to hang out in the bathroom. Here, this is a new parent. It's not a joke. It's just an observation that I had that non-parent friends have really looked at me cross-eyed about. So I'll debut this for you on your show. And it's that, you know, wiping my own ass, again.

Yeah. No, thanks. Yeah, yeah. Changing my kid's diaper and wiping my kids' butt. Wee. New adventure. It is. Yeah, no, it is.

You'll get tired of it. I'm sure I will. It's been 11 weeks, you said, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, yeah, it'll get tiresome eventually. Okay, yeah. I'm sure I'll look forward to, like, passing on the party training and getting through it.

Yeah, and I mean, and when a kid shits their pants, that's not fun. No. Yeah. When there's no diaper involved and there's just underwear full of poo and you're at the mall, you know, that's no fun. We haven't gotten there. Yeah, yeah. Where we have gotten is like, uh-oh,

oh, two days went by, and there's been no, like, he hasn't pooped. Yeah. And so you're like, you got to squeeze him. And then you got to squeeze him. And then it pops out and they look shocked. And it comes out in like four or five installments and they're like, oh, like what's happening, you know. They look possessed by a ghost. And then you change their diaper and you're like, great, great job.

You're really like a baseball coach all of a sudden. Yeah. So that's the phase I'm in, which is why, hence my little observation. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is weird. although I do think it's like with children and with dogs you do realize like how much of life it's just shitting and pissing and fluids and just mess you know yeah it's it's it's hard to maintain the air of like classy when it is just like oh no we're just it's all you know a few

times a day well that's that's always been your thing about the met gala right you're like they all they all are stopping to pee and poo they all all are, even in those elaborate outfits, they have to get, you know, four helpers. Because they probably do, I would imagine, like, that's got to, you know, some of those outfits, they got a, they got a plan, you know. Yeah, I wouldn't wish that kind of bathroom break on my own worst enemy. Yeah, yeah. I'm actually done costumey things where I've had to be like, no, you know.

No thanks. Well, just like, I better not have coffee this morning. Oh, you know. Yeah. Because I can't get out of this, you know, like, like a, basically like a big fur mascot suit. You know, like, it's like to get this thing off is 10 minutes and get it back on is another 10 minutes. And like I'll just, I'll just not have fluids today. And you're not going to wear a diaper in that.

Oh, no. No. For the performance. Right. Exactly. Yeah. No. And also out of spite for wardrobe.

Just, I'm just going to let a rip. All right. We're here ready for the wild cards. Yeah, there we go. Speaking of having to force one out, let's go through our first caller, Sean in Iowa. Sean, what's your wild card? How you doing, guys?

I'm doing great. You've got me, you've got Tim Boltz. Oh, I should say I haven't said the number, although most people know. 855-266-2-604. If you got a wild card, give us a call. Sean, let me and Tim know what you've got to say. Well, this is a, it's funny you should just talk about those stories and, you know,

and that kind of genre because years ago in an earlier life, finally started out in my professional career, which was about that. Wait, you're kind of cutting out. I missed a couple of words there. Earlier in your career and then there was kind of a hiccup. Oh, I do apologize. Earlier in my career, I was a flight attendant. Oh, okay.

Do you mind divulging what airline? Well, at the time, it was a charter airline. I was actually living in the UK at the time. Okay. I was living in Scotland, actually. Okay. And I joined this fledgling. airline. Now they've through several iterations of name changes. They become Europe's largest charter

airlines. I guess they're called 2E now. Nice. Okay. So when I joined them, you know, that was a very young airline and very hip and I don't know we thought we were very sexy and and it was kind of a cool this is in the early 90s. I joined them actually in 89. Okay. And I got I got promoted pretty quick because it was young airline and, you know, and they were growing, so they needed senior crew, and I got promoted pretty quickly. And one day, to get to the point of my story, I guess, we were flying down to one of the Nary Islands. If I remember right, I think it was Tenerie. Okay. And so it's a long flight. It was like four and a half hour flight down there. We were flying on an aircraft called Boeing 757. That was the kind of main staple of our fleet at the time. And a really good.

sturdy, very reliable airplanes. And pretty big, too. I mean, that's, you know, a couple hundred people, right? Yeah, we used to squeeze them in like sardines. I think we used to hold 233, which is a lot on that. Yeah, a lot. So, which further adds to the abuse that the laboratory systems take on set aircraft. Now, I'm sure you guys fly frequently, and modern jets tend to have what they call vacuum toilet systems where you have a pee or a poo and you hit the flush button and pooh.

Yes. The aforementioned waste is whisked away. Yes. Yes. 320 and Airbus A3. By the time it got to the waist tank, it was doing 30 miles an hour. Whoa. Wow.

Yeah, it's faster than I could bike. Oh, it's doing at least 60 when it comes out of me. So that's actually hitting the brakes. Right. Well, and if you take the combined speed of the aircraft, that's fairly fast to, right. So that's the 757, older generation airplane, didn't have the backing system. It used to kind of like a port-a-potty, whatever. went in, just kind of slurred around and slopped around and a weight tank beneath the individual

toilet. That's a nice picture. So this particular day, you're getting a lot of useless information. No, that's all right. Although the phrase turdulence did just pass through my head. Oh, my God, that's great. I've never thought of that. I'm going to start using it, on Sandy.

Beware of turdulence. It's a thing. So this one day I was in the cockpit and the first officer told me, he said, hey, we got a problem with the release valve on the forward toilet by the cockpit door. Now, what happens when an airplane lands, any airplanes still today, passengers get off and a bunch of service equipment and trucks and vehicles arrive at the airplane. They remove bags on. They remove catering. They put catering on. They replace water. They also suck out all the waste. And so a waste or a poo truck will arrive at the airplane. Yeah. So pilot says, hey, we got a problem.

This won't release automatically when he sticks his little hose into the bottom of the airplanes. We're going to have to release the forward poo manually. So I said, okay, I'm your guy. I can do that. So there's a manual release valve at the back of the toilet. You have to remove the shroud. but that valve exists at the back of the toilets. He says, what I'm going to do is I'm going to stand at the door.

I'm going to watch, or we'll call him Manuel, just because he's a spaniard. So I don't know what his name was, but Manuel was beneath the aircraft with his poo truck. And when he gives me the signal, I'm going to give you the signal, and you'll open the valve and, you know, we'll go on our way. Yes. So we land, we deplane the airplane and service equipment turns up. First officer Joe gives me the signal. I put on some gloves because it's disgusting and I have to remove the toilet shroud and everything. So I'm like, you know, suited up.

And he goes to the door and he's standing at the door and I'm looking at him and he's looking out and he's looking at me and I'm looking at him. Now, I should say it's a sunny day in Spain. So the sun is shining through the door orifice. And, you know, I can see him, but he's shrouded in sunlight. Yes. So I'm there for a while. And all of a sudden, his hand goes up and I see a thumbs up. So I release the valve.

And then what happens next is... Poor Manuel. It didn't go well for Manuel. Yeah. Manuel joined the Poo Blue Man group that day. What he actually did was he put his hand up, as he said, as he started yelling at me from the door, hold on. Like, just hold on.

It's going to be another couple of seconds. I saw a thumbs up. It was kind of disguised by the sunlight. Right. But beneath the aircraft, I learned a whole bunch of new words in Spanish that day. I never knew existed. And poor Manuel was, well, irate. He was screaming.

He was running around. He was flicking bits of toilet paper off him. He was covered in blue dye. He was flicking. I mean, I'm sorry to be graphic, but it was awful. I mean, the poor guy. I mean, all they, you know, he just come to work, do a menial job, go home to his wife and kids. Now he, you know, now he's just covered in shit.

And, and so I, you know, I didn't know what to do. I mean, I was absolutely panicking. And the first officer was looking at me, he went pale, I went pale, Manwell's blue. And so I just, I did the only thing I could think of, which is I just retreated to the cockpit and locked the door and let the pilots deal with it. Well, I think it's weird that it's your job to, you know, to like,

I would think that there would be, you know, there's people that come on to clean the, the plane. Like, why wouldn't the unlocking of the toilet valve be someone else's job? Yeah. Well, those, so the cleaners are on and, you know, these ladies and gentlemen turn up and they have little vacuum cleaners, you know, strapped to their back and they're wiping down three tables and all that kind of stuff, but they don't know the systems. They don't know how the air, and every aircraft is a little different. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, they don't, they're just on to, you know, wipe stuff off and, you know, and vacuum up the floor and, and that's it, you know. So I was, I mean, we used to get asked to do crazy stuff thinking about it now.

There was very little health and safety. I mean, at one time there was a bag of Chandler's run, strike in Spain or Greece or somewhere. And I got asked to go down route and, hey, while you're down there, can you load all the bags? So I went out, you know, loading bags. I mean, you know, there was lots of stupid stuff that we, you know, We were just sitting in.

The navigators drunk. We need you to plot our course. Okay. Now, is that because of the newness of the airline? Or was it just you found that there were like kind of looser protocol across the airline industry? I think it was probably a little bit of the newness of the airline. And, you know, we weren't, you know, we didn't have a union or anything like that. We weren't like American Airlines or British Airways or anything like that.

I mean, they would have just said, oh, absolutely not. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't possibly do that. You know, we, but we were like, hey, we'll do it. That's fine. I mean, we did a bunch of stupid shit, too, that, you know, looking back on it was, you're like, okay, that was, that was quite a dangerous and probably, you know, shouldn't have done that. But we thought it was really fun at the time. And I think that was, I feel like in the 90s, you know, this is pre-9-11, it was kind of the, you know, it was the heyday of the final days of what it used to be like to be.

It was kind of a little bit glorified. It was a little bit kind of cool to be in that job, you know. And it wasn't. I mean, it really wasn't. Just like today, it's hard work. And, you know, you had a lot to deal with and a lot of responsibility. And we made it. We were all young.

We were all in our 20s. And we were just having fun. Well, Sean, thank you so much for the call. And, you know, I'm glad that you went in hidden that you didn't have to deal with the consequences of your actions. I was very brave and I appreciate it. Thank you for the way. Thanks, John. 855-266-2-604 is the number.

Next up, we have Abigail from Tulsa. Abigail. What's up, sluts? Ha, ha. Tim and I are here. We're ready to hear your bullshit. We're here. We're sluts.

Yeah. We love your... Okay, players. Okay. So I have great swans. And as two people in comedy, you guys might agree with me. You said you have great qualms that. Quams.

Okay. Quams. Yes. Yes. Frustration. That a dick and ball inherently funny. Yes. Vigina.

Not inherently funny. Okay. And you know, like dick and balls, you can helicopter it. You can be silly with it and make it look like a little fucking weird balloon animals. Sure. It's been funny. You can do with a coochin. So, honestly.

I've been on a quest. I go, how do I make this funny? Right. How do I make my funny? And so I had an opportunity. I saw a post on Instagram and it said an artist that I really, excuse me, really respected and who had a profound impact on my career as a cosmetic chemist is doing tattoos for charity. You send them your idea. They're on tour doing something.

So there are certain cities that they're going to pop up into what cities can you drive to. And so I apply that. I took a handful of mushrooms. I'm like, what's something funny that speaks to who I am? And I submitted my application and I waited for months. And I finally hear back and they're like, hey, there's a chance we can fit you in. Can you get to Colorado? And I'm in Oklahoma.

And I go, damn. So I make it happen. I get to Colorado and they said, we're so sorry. We can't get you in. overbooked by one person, we're going to get you back whenever we come down to like, you know, the Midwest. Sure. And so about six months ago, I finally get the email.

They're like, hey, can you come to Arkansas three days before? And I'm like, of course. So I drive four hours to Arkansas. And now this particular artist, I'm a big fan of, they are a comedian, they do performance art, but they are also a professionally trained clown. And this is kind of like. always dangerous. And you know what? I'm down to clown. Okay. And so I drive four hours. I get there and I'm like, I need to do this artist's clown makeup. I need to be wearing his clown makeup for the tattoo. I don't,

y'all, when I submitted my application originally in my head, I told myself if somehow this gets accepted, I will show up wearing his clown makeup. Okay. So I'm in an Arby's parking lot. Arby's parking lot. doing the makeup and people who's looking at me like I'm crazy. But I'm also like, who are y'all to judge? We're both in an Arby's parking lot. Yes. And so then I honestly, you are putting on clown makeup. That's that's not a Jamoka shake. That's something a little bit more. You know, that's a little extra. If you were in a regular parking lot and everyone had clown makeup and they were giving you the third degree, that's the time to say, hey, who are you? And is this is this insane clown posse? What am I doing? Is this insane clown posse we're talking about?

about? Absolutely not. Okay. So, just checking. Uh, stevo from Jackass tattooed an admit one circus ticket on my coochie. While I was wearing his clown makeup using professional products, I helped formulate and manufacture as my job. Well, okay, we hurried, we hurried past. He tattooed what on your coochie? An admit one circus ticket. And are we talking it's on the mons? Absolutely on the mons. Okay. But Cucci is a funnier word. I understand. But I mean, but, you know, just where exactly, I'm concerned with the geography of where a tattoo would be, you know, legible.

And also, can you not just grow hair out that would just cover it up if you, you know, decide to go legit finally? So, like, unfortunately now I rock the craziest cut because I'll, like, just grow out my hair, but I just shave one little strip for the tattoo. Nice. Oh, okay. That's good. Yeah, you got to show it off. Right, exactly. It's like a little, it's like a patio in the middle of the yard.

I was thinking if you're going. That's not quite centered. Oh. Oh, off center. Oh, stevo. Stimo. I was thinking if you go through a dry spell, you could let the hair overgrow so it's a bit of an abandoned circus. So someone who stumbles upon it.

Yes. Oh. Maybe a little booey. Yeah. A bit of a circus. here, right? Give them a little bit of a jump scare. They go down there. They're like, oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just glad I was thinking that we might, because when you're talking, we started out with clown and vagina. I was, I was picturing that there was some sort of surgical,

like, you know, clown nose, like clitoral clown nose, basically is what I was thinking. Which maybe. Okay, now I have a business opportunity for you. Future, you know, future times. And I'm not, I'm not, that's a freebie. Uh, you can have that. You don't run wild with it. You don't want to, you don't want in on that business opportunity? No, no, no, that's okay. Uh, you go ahead.

We're sitting here getting locked into our dome zone and you don't want in? No, that's okay. Although I would, I would like to see like bozo pubes, like two red, big red wings of pubes. That's another one to consider Abigail. My God, I really, I've never really put my nog into this whole area. area. Turns out I'm a natural. Thank you. There's, there's so much area of opportunity. Yeah, yeah. A little silly with it down there. Yeah. Now, tell me that that's got to have been not a pleasant procedure. I feel like, so I am heavily tattooed, like I have stay silly across my knuckles.

Okay. And I have like a drama mask, happy and sad drama mask on my hands. And I feel like the worst part about getting that area tattooed wasn't the tattoo itself. But so he had no idea. I was talking with his team the entire time. He had no idea where the tattoo was going to be. I told them that I was going to show up in the clown makeup because I didn't want the team to think I was crazy. Sure. Right.

Yeah. When you give him some warning, then they know you're legit. Exactly. So he like comes out of the room. And at this point, because so I'm also. in school right now for chemical engineering. And it was the day before my final for one of my Kim classes. And so I'm like with a notebook studying in this tattoo lobby.

And he comes out and he sees me. And I'm also wearing these sweatpants that are pink and blue checkered. Because they look like clown sweatpants. Sure. I'm wearing them a Metallica T-shirt, earrings that look like cigarettes. Okay. And a jacket, the jacket is a looks like a letterman's jacket, but it's clown themed. Okay.

And so when he comes into the lobby and he, and I'm obviously wearing his clown makeup and we lock eyes, I went, oh my God, he, in my head I was just like, oh, my God, he thinks I'm fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah. So that was the worst part. And then like speaking a little bit, because, you know, I talked about he had this profound impact kind of on my career and what led me into cosmetic chemistry. And as a child, I grew up in rural Oklahoma and a trailer park. So we didn't really have the finances for me to pursue any sort of legitimate performance

arts higher education that I wanted to do. And of course, we were born and raised in a trailer park. You fucking love jackass. Yeah, of course. And I heard him. Exactly. like, duh, come out. And I heard him speak about college and how it was free to attend if you could get in. And so preparing for that, it was my senior year of high school. And I was like, what are skill sets that clowns have that I don't have?

So I can further build out my creative resume. And I really got into cosmetics. And so I graduate high school in May. I'm 17. I drive down to Texas for the auditions and I get turned away. at the door because I'm not 18. And my birthday was two weeks later, but they didn't care. Yeah. And then I started, I went to college for a year. I had a scholarship for competitive speech and debate that allowed me to pursue higher education for a year before I had to drop out. Okay.

And then I started working in cosmetic sales. Okay. Because I was like, I have all of this in-depth knowledge about cosmetics. And so I can use my speaking skill sets and. and pursue that career. And it was a time I had a really bad experience with the product. It was like a $50 eye shadow palette and it was fucking dog shit. And I was like, why does this expensive palette work so horribly compared to this $5

eye shadow? Right. And this was about 10 years ago. I started reading about the ingredients. I ripped like five cosmetic chemistry text. books online, read them, taught myself how to make makeup. So formulate, manufacture, distribute as a small business. And I started a circus-themed cosmetics company. So that paid for me to get back into school. I just left my, I was a, the cosmetic chemist for a tattoo company. So we made

supplies for tattoo artists here. It's the tattoo process after care. And I just left, and this is actually my second week. I went to a less stressful, less time-intensive career in a food manufacturing. Okay. So. Abigail, I got it. I got to. This has been a, thank you so much for all this information, but we got to move on. We got more callers coming in. Yeah, no problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, congrats. This is quite a journey that you're on. Yeah. Yeah. And it's good to know that like, you know, you know, there's entrepreneurs out there with vaginal tattoos. Hell yeah. There are. aren't she it? I mean, you know, there's probably nobody on the shark tank panel that's got that.

Barbara Corcoran, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Barbara Corcoran. Yeah, no doubt. It's something on her mind. Right, right, right, right. All right, well, thank you, Abigail. Rock on, man.

No, probably, no. Have a wonderful rest of your day, you guys. You too. All right, next up, we have Angel from California. Angel, you got me and Tim Baltz here. What's up? What's up, Angel? Hey, Andy, how are you?

I'm good. I'm good. What story do you have for us? I have for you a story about testicular torsion because I know you love testicle pain. Okay. So one day I was... I do, but I don't know how you knew that, but go on. Bit of a connoisseur, are you?

Yeah, yeah. You know, I have hobbies. You mentioned it before on the show, I believe. Well, I don't remember that. But anyway, go ahead. Testicular torsion, the old T.T. So basically one day I was on the couch, one day I was on the couch, fresh an year, living room, big old sectional, something J.D. Vance would love. I was just sitting on the

couch watching Conan videos, a remote of him delivering Chinese food in New York. Okay. And I got to a part where he's joking with this woman in a window and he's like, is there marijuana in this tea? And I'm laughing and I go to scratch my testicles as a teenager does. Yeah, right. I mean, it's for everybody, really, all ages. Yeah, you don't have to grow out of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I can only describe to you the feeling that I felt when I went to go scratch. Like, I don't know if it's because of how shocked I was to feel it,

but it just felt lumpy and spiky. Like as if a sea or chin or something was in my scrotum. Wow. So I started freaking out, not knowing what to do. So I go to my brother, who's in the garage because he chooses to move into the garage. So I go to him and I'm like, we got to go to the hospital. dude, like, I got to go now. And he's like, do we have to? So he, I finally talk him into, like, taking me to the hospital. As we're heading to the hospital, a pain starts to settle in.

And as you get closer and closer to the hospital, traffic starts to get heavier and heavier. So then my brother has a bright idea. He's like, I'm going to just pull off and we're going to take the streets. So I'm like, all right, that's fine. Like, just hurry up and get there. So he takes the streets. And then as soon as we pull off, there's street. construction. So we're stuck in street construction for about 45 minutes. Okay. At this point, the pain is very real. Like, it feels like someone is squeezing it, like standing on it, like something. I'm freaking out. I'm like, I'm like moving. I can't stay still. I'm like shouting. My brother's rolling his eyes thinking on being a baby or whatever. We finally get to the hospital. I request

a wheelchair and I'm sitting in the wheelchair. They finally call me back. They tell me to drop my pants. They fill me up. They send me back to the waiting room. And then they finally call me back again into the hallway, put up a curtain, have me drop my pants, fill me up again, tell me go back to the waiting room. They're just like, we don't know what it is. So we're just going to wait for a room to open.

So finally a room opens up. I put on the gown. I go in there. I lay down. I'm so squirming just in so much pants. like nothing I've ever felt before. And then a woman, a doctor, walks in with a class of students, probably about like eight, eight people.

I never knew this was like a learning hospital, but apparently it is. So they come in there and they're and she's all like, is it okay if I bring people in here? And I'm just like, yeah, fine. Like, I'm freaking out. I don't really care. I just want the pain to be over. Right. So they're all looking like getting a good, like, look, putting their heads in there.

They're all like, oh my God. Like, why does it look like that? Like, and I'm laying right there. And I'm just like, whatever. I'm just like freaking out. And the doctor's all talking about it, poking it with like a pencil or pen, whatever she had. And then she goes, um, notice how it's like this. And she's like, I wonder what happens when I do.

And I'm guessing she squeezed it or twisted it. Because as soon as she said, I wonder what happens if I do. I felt immediately relieved. And at the same time, her and all the students just went, whoa, wow. Like, they were all shocked. I don't know what they saw or what it looked like, but they just were so surprised by it. And I just, like, felt like immense relief. And I just, like, calm down.

And she was just like, oh, okay. I don't know what that was, whatever. And they all stood up and left. And then my doctor came in. And he was just like, oh, she wasn't supposed to, like, touch you or do anything. He's like, because now we can't determine what it was. So she just, you were just, it was just twisted and she untangled it. Yes, it was twisted.

She came in there for a brief, like, minute or two, undid it, and then just walked out. Wow. And you were cured. I was cured. They had to do an ultrasound on me. The only thing is I do experience some retwisting. I honestly have, like, PTSD from this experience. Yeah.

Like, it was just, like, so painful. But, yeah, she untwisted it. And then I was just relieved after it would twist every now and then. But after, like, I knew that it could be, like, manually untwisted, I would just do it myself. Sure. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah. That's a skill.

Right, exactly. You can change your own oil now and then. Well, the PTSD, you know, I had, I took a couple hard shots to the nuts in 2008. And I started walking funny because of it. And I went to a urologist. I was really worried, just similar to you. It felt really painful. and the guy, you know, felt me up, probably not as much as you got felt up at the hospital.

Right, right. But he felt me up and he said, there's nothing wrong. This is psychosomatic. You have trauma in your right testicle. And I said, you're kidding me. He said, no. See, when I grab your testicles, the left one goes up at a normal pace, but the right one goes up very quickly. And that means that the pain from that trauma in your head registers as like, uh-oh, there's a threat.

Yeah. Your right nut is a coward now. Now it's, you know, it's shell-shocked, right? Yeah, yeah. And so he said, he said, look, I wish I could prescribe you something, but you're going to walk out. You're going to get down on the sidewalk on the street. And like Kaiser Soza, you're just going to start walking normally again after like a block, I swear to God. And I'm like, fuck you.

This is like, come on, man, I'm here paying you, you know. I'm out of pocket for this. And sure enough, I got down on the street and I started walking and like, boom, like my back stopped hurting. My hips reallined. And it was gone. So I hope that. I wish that for you that your PTSD will slowly leave. Yeah, my PTSD, I would say, is gone.

But whenever, like, I'm laying down and I go to scratch and I have that, like, feeling, oh, my God, it might be twisted. And I go and check it. I'm like, okay, it's not. So I learned to, like, calm down and not freak out. Yeah. Angel, I will tell you, too, that most of the time, in my experience, nut scratching does not lead to twisting.

Maybe you're scratching too vigorously. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe what you think is just a. A normal scratch is, you know. You're like Lenny for mice and men on your nuts. Like a chihuahua chasing a flea behind its ear. Right.

Yeah. What I say is a scratch is really a fondle. But I think it was a, I think it was a sectional of how big it was. And I was sitting in like the divvents. I see. That's the best I could come up with. Right. It was a worst day of my life.

Yeah, that's sectionals are very dangerous. You've got that sort of no man's land in between. Yeah. You get a nut caught in there. You're in trouble. Yeah, try to trade that in for something. Yeah. All right, well, Angel, thank you so much for the call.

No problem. Thank you so much, Andy. All right, thanks, man. Love you, too. We got time for one more, I believe. Jonathan from Long Island's calling in. Hey, Jonathan. Tim Bolts and I are here.

What's up, Jonathan? To hear your wild card. Hey, how are you? I'm a big fan, and you guys are great. Thank you. I'm sure every... You're welcome. I'm sure every celebrity has had this happen, but I was the cause of it this time, and I felt really bad.

But it was the early, I want to say the early half of the 90s, somewhere around 92, 93, I'm guessing. Okay. And I was in a restaurant uptown New York called Marvin Gardens. And at the time, Dustin Hoffman was appearing in Death of a Salesman uptown. Okay. And I was sitting in the restaurant, and there's a big long. table set up. And I said to the waitress, wow, that's a big, you know, big party. Like, what's happening? And she was all, it's a cast change. And that's all she would say.

And so a little while later, a whole group of people filtered in. And this guy was like sort of at the end of the table across from me. And like somewhere in the back of my mind, it registered that he looked like Dustin Hoppin, but I couldn't quite place it because he was still in Death of a Salesman makeup, which included like, I think, a balding wig or something. Wow. So I kept staring at him and like, yeah, it was like, you know, like, and I'm like, and I'm like, you know, he looks so familiar, but I couldn't place it. So I kept, you know, thinking about it and looking over and thinking about it. And at the very end of our dinner, I just said, oh, my God, you know, that is Dustin Hoffman.

And I want us autograph. And so at the time, I was wearing this, like kind of, it was rainy night. And I was wearing this like, Dick Tracy trench coat. and I had this black brim hat, and I kind of look, I want to say, you know, as menacing as a, as a little punky kid from Long Island could look, right? Mm-hmm. And everyone, everyone walks out, and I walk around the table to his side of the table, and I tap him on the shoulder, and I say in this voice, which I don't know where it came from,

I said, excuse me, Mr. Hoffman. And everyone at the table looked at me, and he looked up, looking like he was going, going to pass out. He looked like this is the moment I'm going to die. This guy is going to kill me right now in this restaurant. And as soon as it all went down, I realized it. Like, you know, like, and I went no, no, no, no, I don't want to hear you. I want your autograph. And he, and he, he like slams his fork down on the table and he goes, oh my God, man, you scared the crap out of me. He said, my wife is next to me. She's pregnant. I'm thinking, I'm going to die right now. I'm going to, and everyone at the table started laughing.

And then ultimately he started like laughing a little bit. And I go, I'm so sorry. All I wanted to an autograph. But he goes, well, let me sign it. And then you can get away from me. And that was my story. It was a really cute, like story. But I'm sure a lot of celebrities have that, you know, that moment where like, who is this

nut job? And why is he asking me for anything? Yeah. Probably seemed like a ghost who was going to kill him. Right. Well, and also celebrities, they're like horses. Like, before you climb on them, you've got a lot. let them know you're there. You got to get in front of them and like really sort of, you know,

pat him down a little bit and let them know. You can't just sneak up on those things. Yeah, you can't jump on them. Yeah, yeah. And if they break a leg, you got to shoot him. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Young and dumb. I was just, you know, like I didn't think anything of it. And I scared the life out of Dustin Hoffman. And he, and his face was priceless. I mean, yeah, I can still see that base. At least he, you know, you know, you didn't just get thrown. now. That's, you know. Yeah, ultimately, he kind of saved the day for you, I think, signing that autograph. By handling. He was gracious about that. But the first, you know, your first celebrity interactions are never good that you always embarrass yourself.

Absolutely. A hundred percent. Do you remember yours, Andy? Probably would have been with now Los Angeles Dodgers color commentator for the radio, Rick Monday. Rick Monday. Who was a Chicago Cub at the time, was doing some person. appearance at a church out in Yorkville, Illinois. And he poked me in my stomach as he walked by because I was a chubby little fella. And that's what that's what a Rick Monday will do with chubby little fella.

That's the first one that comes to mind. So thanks. Thanks, Mo. Thanks for the poke. I do hope I run into him someday because he was my favorite Chicago Cub at the time. Yeah, he was a great one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He was good.

Didn't he win the title with the Dodgers in 81? He did. He did after. Yeah, he was a Cub when he rescued the flag at Dodger Stadium. And I think that like greased the shoot for him to them become a Dodger. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow. I forgot that was. Yeah, yeah. That was a big deal. Yeah. All right. Well, Jonathan, thank you so much. You're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah, we got to go where our time is up and there's a lot more clips of Conan talking to people. you can't figure out who they are to come up.

So we're backlogged on those. We got to get them out. All right. Thanks, Jonathan. Okay. Tim, we got to pick our favorite. I mean,

I know mine. Yeah. I mean, we're just looking because they're, you know, they're like, they're summarized. Yeah.

And I can't get past vagina tattoo. Yeah. That's I, also, she detailed a couple of her other tattoos. Yes. I'm like, this is,

I can't, My brain can't quite wrap my, can't fill in the blanks. And we really did get a sense of who Abigail was because she did give us quite a bio. Yeah, in there. So Abigail, congratulations. You've won nothing. Absolutely. You've won our hearts, I suppose.

Yep. And our curiosity. All right, Tim. Is there any playgrounds that people can see walking your child around at yet? Is there any? Too real. Is there any playplaces that, you know, any kids? are us where you're buying diapers these days?

Do they even exist anymore? I think they're all closed. I don't know, but it does remind me in my friend, my friend Barry, his kid used to go to the same play place as Bobby Kennaval. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And I just, I hope to never come off the way that Bobby Canneville

did to my friend Barry. I'll say that. So if I'm ever at a play place with my child, you know, leave me alone. But also, you know, if I say anything, just be like, thanks, Bobby Caraville. Don't report on it. Just keep your fucking mouth shut.

All right, well, Tim, thanks so much for coming in. Yeah, thanks for having me. Yeah, and I'll be back next week with more. I can't remember who's coming or what we're doing, but, you know, just tune in. It'll be great. Thanks for listening. Goodbye.