The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Tommy Blacha: Fight Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

Late Night writer and Andy’s former roomie Tommy Blacha (Adult Swim, WWE) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk FIGHT STORIES! Get down and dirty in this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show with tales of street brawls, maiming, revenge, pro athlete altercations, and more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Ah, you know what that very reasonably priced theme song means. It's time for the Andy Richter call-in show! I'm Andy Richter. You're supposed to call in. That's how it works. We are talking fights today. Fights, fights, fights. Love them. Actually, I hate them. I'm a very non-confrontational person. I've never been in like a real physical fight with someone I wasn't related to in my entire life. So it's probably, I'm not an expert,

but I do have an expert here, Tommy Blatcha. Hi. Who's an incredibly violent human being. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, deeply, deeply violent. In fact, he's chained to his chair just in case. Roar! Ha ha ha.

Tommy is one of my oldest friends. We were roommates back in Chicago. He was a writer on the Conan show. For the oldies, he was the gaseous wiener. I don't know if that matters. Thanks, pal. Yeah, yeah. You don't fight people because you have your weird passive aggressive skills and your other strange manipulative powers. That's right.

You get other people to fight. He was a farting hot dog. But then he left there and he worked for Vince McMahon on the WWF at the time. Or was it E? It was F at the time. It was F at the time. So they had to get the F out. And then he was a co-creator of Death Clock Metalocalypse. Or is it Metalocalypse Death Clock?

Either or. Whatever. Just enjoy watching it. Which is one of the best things ever made. And, which is apropos, I was a failed fight promoter. Oh, that's right. Lost a lot of money. Oh, you were trying to, it was like in Japan or something, wasn't it?

Well, we were getting some investors. It's a big, long, horrible story. Suffice it to say, I lost all my money. I was trying to be like a UFC style thing, tough man contest, with more about personalities than actual skilled fighters. But great idea. I was naive and thought like, oh, pay-per-views, you know, it's an open marketplace, right?

And a good idea will really go, oh, nefarious people, IRS, et cetera, et cetera. Where'd all the money go? Basically, well, and I don't mean to be, this sounds like it's highfalutin, but I can't talk a lot about it because of legal things, but it's not that interesting. Basically, I had a lot of tax problems because the entities I worked with claimed they paid me money when I lived in Vegas in a condo and said like, oh, that rent equals pay because their shit was going under. And then I was like, oh, and if you deal with the IRS, talk about fights, who you'd like to see fight,

I'd like to see like Vikings raid the IRS building and just slaughter everyone. So yeah, dealing with the IRS. So IRS was a big, big thing that came out of it. Well, give us a call about your fights, 855-266-2604. We're gonna be here for an hour. What do you, what do you, you're living in Texas now. What are you doing here? I go back and forth. Again, sounds exciting. You know, not really. But I live in Lago Vista, Texas, Lake, Lake, Lakefront in a beautiful 45 minutes out of Austin

and then still have the old falling apart house here by Dodger Stadium. So you know going back and forth and piecemealing my career, riding my career, the old jalopy held together with band-aids but still making it, still starting. I'm there with you. I am like I'm now, like you and I could be like Thelma and Louise but in two different cars Yeah holding hands across except opening scene. We just drive off the cliff There's no point to anything

All right Are we ready to go to the phones yet? We've got Joel on The line Joel where you calling from? Falls Church, Virginia. Hi there Joel. You got Tommy Blatchie, you got Andy Richter, and we're talking fights. Are you a fighter? I am absolutely not a fighter. I've never been a fighter. Sounds like one. Just kidding. I don't even remember fighting with my older brother growing up. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so you're a punching bag, huh? Kind of. Oh, well, we started, we kicked off on a real positive note.

All right, well, what's... I'm a lover. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Me too. I agree. I think that that's a trite kind of cliche, but I think it's right and I think it's good. Because there's enough shit in the world. Why would you fight someone? I'm a shitter, not a lover or a fighter. It is true. It smells bad in here, Joel. Tell us, what's your story?

So I was in New Orleans for a bachelor party, and so we had a group of guys, all of whom were not really fighters. We did have one active duty Marine pilot with us and he'll come into play later. And so we're in the French Quarter on like the busy Bourbon Street part and just doing what you do in the French Quarter ambling around. Show your boobs for for cheap beads

I was so many beads guys. I had loaded with beads So this guy bumped into me. I do remember that that he was drunk and staggering and alone so dangerous and bumps into me and accuses me of bumping into him and starts yelling and getting angry and again I just try to tend to either flee or talk my way out of situation so I'm trying to apologize and figure out what's going on which just makes him angrier and I'm backing up but it's you know it's Bourbon Street on a Saturday night

so there's no not really anywhere I can back up or flee to and he's he's about to pummel me pretty badly I feel when over my shoulder like a Tom Brady to Rob Gronkowski pass a fully loaded lucky dog the New Orleans Institution chili cheese everything on it hits him directly in the chest and kind of explodes, which stunned him and me long enough for my friend Chris the Marine pilot to walk over and he puts his arms around both of us and walks us into one of those bars that's right off the street. He buys the guy a beer and he says you need to apologize to my friend, which this guy does. He's very confused and still trying to figure out how he's covered in chili. And then he says and we're sorry about the chili dog, you're gonna walk

that way and we're gonna walk this way. And that's what happened. And the night went on and we couldn't figure out where the chili dog came from until much later in the night when we, our group kind of reconvened and our buddy Murley was the chili dog thrower. And I asked him why he did it, why that was his instinct. And he said, I don don't know I must have been really drunk and I must really like you because I love chili dogs I'd like to option this story For my new gay porno company and I'd like to just just everything will be the same except when they go into the bar with The marine pilot right like you need to walk this way you need to walk this, you need to walk this way, you need to walk this way, you need to walk this way. And then, the ending we might change. And it's a real sexy walk. So leave your information and

we'll option that story from you. Well I was going to say this sounds like an episode of that Reacher show, Jack Reacher. Because that is like what your friend did, well I don't know, maybe it's Marine training, but like that's the kind of leadership skills that I do not possess. Like that's just, it's sort of like step in. It's like the Caesar million of humans just coming in and knowing what to say.

And that's what he said. It came from having to break up many drunken marine brawls. Wow. To just know to send them on their way. Right, right. Part of it is it's hard to like make a determination until you physically see the people. Something I've learned from like dealing with wrestlers. There's some individuals that are from a different species where like, hey I'm gonna fight you. Just you know it's like oh that you can't fight that guy. See, so Joel I don't know how much of you're just like a little shrimp and this guy was like a medium shrimp and you were scared of him and the Marine pilot

was a manly man, then it's easier for him to put his arms around you and calm it down. So I need that info. I'm a shrimpy shrimp, but this guy was quite large, bigger than Chris, and definitely looked like he was out to find a fight. I think that was his MO for the day. There are people like that.

They are a different species. Oh, fuck you. Size does matter in an instance like that. It does sort of determine things. I guess maybe, is it the calming powers of throne chili dogs? I don't know. It could be.

No, it is like with kids, like sometimes you just need to distract them with something and just kind of burst the bubble of whatever is going on right now. Right. But if it doesn't work, uh-uh. Like I had a four-year-old and we recently had a dog that died

and so she's been talking a lot about death and we were driving back from a ballet class and she was saying, she started to say like, you know, like about what things die. And I said, well, everything dies. And she said, am I gonna die? Oh boy. I was like, well, honey, everything dies. And then she's like, when am I gonna die? Oh boy. I was like, well honey everything dies. And then she's like, when am I gonna

die? No no. She's like, when am I gonna die? I don't want to die. Will I be dead forever? And I'm like, there's a thing called heaven, which I don't even believe in. But luckily we drove past a pink car and I was able to go like, wow, look at that pink car. And she would, look at that pink car. And I fucking, oh, it was such a, thank God for whoever owns that pink car. Because I did not know how to talk myself out of, will I be dead forever from a four year old.

If that were Joel, he would have gotten to the nearest like fast food place and bought a chili dog and thrown it in the four year old's face. We need to go to DQ right now. All right, Joel. I mean, I do. I don't believe in firearms, but I do kill a concealed chili dog. That's messy.

That's messy. All right. Well, thanks Joel. Thanks for the call. All right. Thanks guys. All right. Do you, I mean, you grew up in Detroit and I imagine there was a fair amount of fights.

Yeah, although I was at the very beginning of the phenomena of there was a gang called Young Boys Incorporated where they were the smart guys that say, like, hey, let's give all the guns to like the junior high kids because they just get out of jail when they're 18 so they can do all the murdering. So the phenomenon of like sixth and seventh graders carrying guns started and it really kiboshed fist fighting a lot It's true and that right right because you were had to worry about getting shot more. Yeah I did that white boy Rick or whatever. No that was he was from my neighborhood to know they was later

This was young boys incorporated was a little bit before but it was a big drug dealing Organization where they did that so like you had to worry about like You know the the kids do the dirty work because they'll get out. You're 17 or 16, 13, shoot someone, you'll be out of juviet, 17 always. That is excellent branding, though, because you hear Young Boys Incorporated, you're like,

well, they must be a positive energy singing group or something. We had the AeroFlins, and there was an early gang. And I remember my neighbor wrote Flintstone Flins on this garage you know but you know and and some guys said like you know who the Flintstone Flins are because the the gang names were so stupid like the Coney-onies in Detroit were legendary supposedly named after the Cordleone family from what they called the Coney-ones. I don't know if that's true or not, but someone said, like, you know, you're looking for the Flintstone Flins,

and it's like, nah, it's just some goofy white kid who made fun of it by writing Flintstone Flins. And I'm just like, yeah, well, yeah, we'll let you know. Yeah, that was, I was not around, like, I knew people in Chicago, and it was usually South Side people, and like, our mutual friend Kevin Dorff,

who grew up on the south side was like yeah there it was just a mode of communication that you you know where you might normally or what a normal person is sort of like if there's a situation and it's like oh there's four things I could say in reaction to what just happened and then from the south side of Chicago there was one extra one which is punch him in the fucking face. Like that was another mode of communication. And I remember another friend of ours, I don't know if I want to say his name,

but a friend of ours who was very good at fighting and in a bar while we were playing pool. I know who you're talking about. Yeah, we were playing pool late night at this bar that we used to hang out at and some guy started to get aggressive with one of our smaller friends. And my friend Mike went up to him and he said, hey, hey, come here, come here. And the guy turned and Mike, it was the weirdest thing I ever saw. Mike took the heels of his hands and pushed on the guy's cheekbones, pushed on his face really hard with open, you know, like basically the pads

of his thumbs. And it like fried the guy's wiring because it was such an aggressive, weird thing to do and wasn't really hurtful, but was like, just the implied violence of it, was like, oh, this guy does lots of weird things to hurt you. Those are big heavy hands. Yeah, yeah. So, and I just, and the guy was like, oh, I'm sorry. Like, I was like, I gotta remember that one,

which I will never do. Yeah. If I'm in that situation, I'll just like go, hold on a minute. Right, and also there's the mythos that I've learned too, where it's like, that's situation, I'll just like go, hold on a minute. And then get a beer mug in the face. And also there's the mythos that I've learned too, where it's like, that's a technique I'll remember. Yeah, but the guy, you stare it into the guy's eyes

and you know, who we're talking about and like, oh, look at that guy. It's not like, I'm gonna use that same technique. Excuse me, buddy. Oh, what did he do? Oh, he broke my collarbone. He also once told me a story about a mean old drunk that used to laugh at him, and, and,

because at one point... Oh, the one where they lit him on fire? Oh, no, no, no. That's not a fight. But my friend had fallen in dog shit as a kid in this guy's yard, and this guy at the bar would, like, throughout his whole life, ah, there's, fell in dog shit, like, and like,

ha, ha, ha, you guys still got any dog shit on you? And he told me, so there was one night where me and my friends went in and he said something to me again. And it was a real crowded night, so we went up behind him, he was standing at the rail of the bar, and one of my friends took him out at the knees

and he fell down below the bar, and we laid the boots to him. Ha ha ha! Laid the boots to him. Laid the boots to him. Yeah. Oh gosh. I like it. You know, I'll quickly, I had a really, because I never thought of this a long time, a really

good brother on brother fight at a party at my house in Detroit where the one brother, he actually was born in the toilet because his mom, he was born early but mom thought she had diarrhea and then like, oh my God, and he was, you know, so that brother was getting drunk. Very auspicious beginning. For years and years like, yeah, you know, he's born in the toilet. And then getting more drunk and then to everyone like, but just kind of like those pauses

and that's the mother from starting to stew, the younger brother. And he just kept going like, like staring at him, going, yep, right there, right in the toilet. Like five times drunken. Mom thought she was taking a shit. Nope, born in the toilet. Until then he just like hauled off,

smacked him at the kitchen table. He was like, hey, hey, look out. He just kitchen table I just saw it like wow it culminated yeah yeah fun stuff yeah that is something you should let your brother just let that be a family secret all right we're at 855 266 2604 it's the Andy Richter call-. Next up, we got CM from California. CM, how are you? I'm good. How are you doing? Good, good.

You're here with Andy and Tommy. You got a fight story for us? You got a fight story for us? Yes. CM Punk. Yes, yes I do. Yeah, are you CM Punk? No, I am not CM Punk.

I am CM Gorham. Okay. Do you know you CM Punk? No, I am not CM Punk. I am CM Gorham. Okay, do you know who CM Punk is? Yes, people ask me if I'm related to him because my first name is the same as his. Well, those people don't know. Those people don't know how names work. I know, that's ridiculous. That's dumb.

Anyway, all right, enough of our bullshit. Tell us about your fight story. Okay, well, I've had bullies since I was probably three years old. I've always had bullies. That's shitty. Sorry about that. It is. I was even almost married to one. She bullied me into getting a vasectomy when I was 23 years old. Oh my God. But I didn't fight her this is not that this is not that story yeah but you

know what you can have all kinds of Scott free you know you know you can have all kinds of fun now I am NOT the father yeah yeah you can that's how you got to do is show him the stars. And you stop that wimpy gene from passing I'm just saying. Ouch! Well, no reason for him to stop having bullies now. Sorry, CM. Tommy's a bit of a bully himself. Anyway, so go ahead. Okay, well...

But this is why you still had your seed, this story. This is. I was in seventh grade, so I was just beginning to know about my seed a little bit. Right, sure. Oh, I had this particular bully. He had been a bully of mine since I was about four or five years old because his mom Used to babysit me and his mom was a bully too, but it was just always so mean he was a little bit older than me maybe two years and

Around when I was in seventh grade. He was he was an eighth or ninth He was an eighth grade I'd say he and a couple older guys used to get out of the same bus stop from you know after school and they would run ahead of me to this hill that I had no choice I had to walk by this and on this hill there was a crabapple tree and if you're familiar with crabapples they're perfect for perfect perfect size for throwing yeah and absolutely he and he and his buddies he was the the ringleader, but they would throw crab apples at me as hard as they possibly could. And they would hit me in the head, they would

hit me, you know, just I was constantly pelted by them. And I'd kind of go home with welts all over my body. It was really painful. Wow. And this would happen. Take it, it's not pineapples for, you know, they're just crab apples. I feel bad for CM. All right. Me too. Thank you. Yeah. I just just happened every single day and I never fought. I didn't know how to fight. I didn't know you know, I just it just built up to me and I just got so much anger in me every day and I would dread. You know, most kids would, you know, when three o'clock would roll around, it was time

to go home, they would love that part of the day, but I would be afraid to go home because I knew that they were going to do that. And one day, you know, after just, I watched so many movies and TV shows, you'd read books and there'd just be these things where people would say, you need to pick up for yourself. You need to, there's only one way to get your foot out of the bank, son. Terrible advice.

You gotta fight back. Well, I just finally, that voice got in my head and I just, that day was just, I knew that they were gonna be pelting crab apples at me and I just you know that day was just you know I knew that that they were gonna be tilting crab apples at me and I just kept getting this thing I've gotta I've gotta do something I've got to do something and so the school bus that the bus dropped us off they start to run ahead and then just as this guy this this this one the main guy started to take off in front of me. That voice overcame me and so I ended up, I jumped on him.

I leaped on his back and somehow got it. So he fell onto his back with me directly on top of him. It's kind of a suplex. All of the other, the other guys just kind of circled around and they start yelling. I don't even remember what was being said. and I'm just on top of them, inches away from his face. And I knew right then I had to do something, but at the same time I didn't know how to fight. I didn't know what was going on and I got just,

the moment just overcame me and then I bit the end of his nose off. Oh my god. Is this haku? Nevermind. You bit the end of his nose off. Wow. I just bit the end of his nose off. I knew I had to do something and I just, I didn't know what I was doing.

I just bit it. I bit the whole entire chunk of the counts of your nose. I bit it directly off. Yikes. Wow. And he did beat me up after that. And then he continued to, he also sat behind me in some class.

He just, it didn't end the bully, it just got even worse. But that's the one fight that I've ever been in. Wow. Wow. Now, because that's permanently scarring, right? I mean, that kid's gonna have a fucked up nose. Depends on the chunk, I guess. That was about 30 years ago. Whenever I go back home to my home in Rhode Island where I see him, I mean, I don't, I saw him once within the last 30 years from a distance and that nose didn't grow back. Wow, wow.

And nobody, nobody, nobody like, because that, you know, like that kind of permanent damage would think it would, it would elicit some sort of response from the authorities, you know? Uh, no, he kind of had a, his bully mom, I'm just gonna make this even sadder, his bully mom had died and he had a dad that didn't really care about him. Maybe that's why he was such a bully. Thank God. Yeah, this is, and we have to remember this was Rhode Island.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a classic Rhode Island story. Mobsters and lobsters. I think that's pretty much the Rhode Island state song. Yeah. You know?

Wow. It's making me feel sanguine. Yeah. I don't know how to react. I mean, I don't, you know, it's a pretty, I understand what happened too, but like, and it also is again, a very sort of, like unique, specific kind of violence that will stay with me for a long time.

So thank you for that, CM. Yeah. I guess. And when you, maybe you gotta, maybe it's your inflection. Choose when you tell this story at the end to be like, so I bit his nose off. And that's what happens when you push, you know, someone into a corner. And you seem to be more disturbed by it than him.

Yeah. He's probably out there. Are you disturbed by it? Like, do you feel remorse? I am disturbed by it. Yeah. Yes, I feel bad, but I mean, strangely, I hadn't heard from him.

He dropped out of school when he was in 10th grade the year after that, maybe because he was ashamed of his nabbing no nose, but he got in touch with me, friended me on Facebook a few years ago, and left me a thing saying, hey, I'm not sure if you remember me, but my mom used to babysit you, and I knew you from school,

and he didn't say anything about the nose. Wow. Did you answer him? Yeah, yeah. It's a and he didn't say anything about the nose. Wow. Did you answer him? Yeah. It's a trap. It's a trap. Yes, yes, I remember you. Yeah, yeah, cause that's, I was thinking like,

he might be trying to lure you in. Yes. You know, that's- Or he might just be a guy who's been in so many scraps or whatever, like, I don't think I am. I don't remember how I lost my nose. Yeah.

Yeah. And I also, I think everyone out in radio land is wondering, did you develop a taste for human flesh? Yes. At least human nose. Right. No. No, okay, that's good.

It's good to know. I mean, because it is something you think about. You know, it's like, there's a, I mean, the reason eating people is taboo it might just be because they're really delicious yeah we know what we should send him a box of chocolate covered noses it's really just gizzards all right CM thank you so much and I'm sorry you went through that but I'm glad that you're in California now where we frown on bullying. Very much so. At least that type of bullying. Yeah. Alright, thanks CM.

That was odd. That was. I was not where I expected us to go, you know. Alright, Ethan from Maryland. How are you doing, Ethan? Very well. Hi. How are you doing, Andy? I'm doing fine, fine. You got me, you got Tommy Blatchett. Hi. So tell us doing Andy? I'm doing fine, fine. You got me, you got Tommy Blacha. Hi. So tell us your story there bud. Well, alright, I'm 18. I'm just out of Indiana. Come to college in Washington DC. Where in Indiana? DC, the southwest, somewhere between Terre Haute and Evansville.

Okay. My dad's in Bloomington so I know Indiana a little, and I'm from Illinois, so just curious. You're never more than three miles from the Banjo competition in my town. That's, I gotcha. DC had just gone through its, it made it 21, the official drinking age, and so the bars were still pretty not into that. And so I'm a freshman in DC. Not into that.

Out of the bar. That's the way. Yeah, but we're just not into that. We're not into that. We're into underage drinking. There's like people of three years of age that we were making money off of. Exactly.

Yeah. So drinking was a cool new thing for me. And I'm out with a group of friends at a place called The Roxy, which was the big, every night they had kind of a different type of show. And they had industrial and reggae and, you know, every night was different. And some of my friends were there. And I noticed this girl that I had met on campus and, you know, very pretty girl and she and I had had a little interaction once and I, you know, kind of flirted around. And when I'd ask her out, she'd be like,

sorry, I have a boyfriend. Okay. Well, here she is and she sees me and she comes over and says, hey, just thought you should know I broke up with my boyfriend. And of course I'm absolutely excited. You know, raring on a little bit of tequila. Yeah.

And I say, hey, you wanna, my friends are over here. You wanna come over and dance with us? Well, I'm actually out with my ex-boyfriend and his friends tonight as a last time thing. And she gestures over to them. These are three guys, three very large men. A great deal. That scene, why would you do that? Like let's break up.

Okay, but how about you and my pals, we go out one last time. Yeah, sounds like fun. Eww. Underage drinking. Yeah, yeah, let's peel the band-aid off slowly. I'm just learning about what a psychopath I am. I would like an opportunity to display it in public. So, alright, go ahead Ethan. We're just, this is foreshadowing. You sound like a psychopath on the Flint story. Well, yes. You're making me laugh. Alright, good. I know this is painful, but go on.

And I see them and you know, he's heavier than I would have guessed. He's balding and she is this beautiful petite little thing and the tequila and my dumb mouth came together in a perfect moment and I said, wow, I would have thought he'd be better looking. And I just saw it fall on her face and I said, wow, I would have thought he'd be better looking. And I just saw it fall on her face and I could hear in the back of my head, shut up, Ava. Oh, you just said it to her. He didn't hear this. No, I said it right to her face though and she, you know, instantly shop is closed. Yeah, yeah.

I have insulted her taste and her previous boyfriend. Right. I'm like, oh oh and I see her then making a beat like I really didn't appreciate that and making a beeline for them I'm like right right you should have said to her well wait you're out of my league too I'm garbage I had definitely learned to be self-deprecating all right so she goes back over I just I love where this is going and I hate where this is going. Continue please.

I say to my friends, hey we may have a little bit of a problem. I think I may have pissed off some of those guys over at the bar. And no one's really paying attention to me because you know they were dancing or drinking. And then the tap happens on my shoulder. And I turn around and it's not him. It's one of the other guys. Yo, I hear you had something to say about my friend. You wanna say it to his face? And I'm looking at the- No, that's fine. I've already expressed it.

Sorry. I'm figuring there's about an eight to one ratio of them to me. So this isn't gonna work out for me anyway, but it's good. And I really was not at that point in my life willing to take responsibility for my actions. So I decided the best way out was a bluff.

And I reached down to my belt, started taking off my belt, pulling off my pants, and said, let's just whip it out right here and find out who's got the biggest one. Come on, who's got the biggest dick? Whoa, I didn't expect this. Wow. And- Brilliant move, Ethan. Jesus, she must have really got you riled up. I was terrified. He panics. He looks really confused. Stutters and runs back to his friends.

I turn around to my friends, guys, we literally have about five minutes before they figure out that I'm bluffing. We got to get out of here. Yeah, five minutes about 30 seconds What did he mean I Managed to get everyone out of the bar and around the corner at which point they actually interrogated me about what happened It was pretty much at that point. That was a you problem We're going back to the bar, you can run away, which is what happened. So that was how I bluffed my way out of getting my ass beat. Wow. If you're ever in trouble with the law, try that at court.

Yeah. See, try that for everything. All right. I'm afraid this mortgage is due. Oh yeah. Oh really? Well, let's whip it out right now and see who owes late fees. Yeah. This library book has been out for two years. Right right. Oh yeah. You have to really be confident about your your member-ness. That was strange Ethan. I kind of wish you would have been just slapped a little bit because then maybe you wouldn't be carrying this weird notion around of you know my cock my savior. Right, yeah, a theory of conflict resolution.

Oh, it's got to be. I was bluffing like all hell. Yeah, yeah. But that's not the takeaway. Guys, my dick isn't really that big. That's... No, no, no. You've got the wrong takeaway, Ethan.

That's not the point. Oh. All right, well, thank you, Ethan. This is interesting. I'm glad that you've learned from your past. I hope so. All right. You definitely have that kind of... I think people look to you like a therapist

because people are calling. It seems like they're... Yeah, well, fights are very fucked, you know? But... 855-266-2604, you got fight stories give us a call we'll solve your problems me and Tommy yeah Tim from Seattle Oh Tim I'm a Sandy nice to talk to you hi Tim how you doing thank you thank you got Tommy Blatcha here too Tommy what's going down homie nothing Nothing. You're from Detroit? Oh you're from Seattle. I'm not I'm from LA from Hollywood. Oh okay. Oh yeah. Oh well then we're homies. All right we're from Hollywood too can't you tell? I can hear the accent. Yeah yeah. I've thrown up

in the burgundy room bathroom and that's true. Oh man I miss the burgundy room. I can't believe it's still open. Yeah I just went to a funeral there the other night like a memorial service Right, right. Yeah Let's remember somebody's life at the burgundy room. Well, unless you want to fight take that back. All right. I'm sorry All right. All right You have to carry the casket down a private alley. Yeah, I went through a back door All right, Tim. What do you got for us? So I'm an old timer.

In the early punk rock days, late 70s, the rock and roll dudes did not like us. They were not ready to give up being the cool kids. So we were chased, we were jumped, we were thrown, they called us Devo, they called us fags. I mean, it was wild. They called you Devo? Yeah, us fags. I mean, it was wild. They called you Devo? Yeah, New Wave.

That was the big thing. What an insult. They didn't know what real punk was and so all they saw were these guys in yellow suits on starting out live in like, you know, 77 or something. That era I know exactly what you're talking about because that was the closest thing I ever had to a religious epiphany, quickly.

When I was in high school, I was into like, you know, Ted Nugent, rock, who are these new wave weirdos? It's been like 1979. And then I realized like this one kid was a punk and just like, it just happened overnight. It's like, oh, they're so negative. This, it really, I went to a show and it was like, it was like a conversion.

I was like, I went from like, fuck these guys to like, I am a punk rocker. This is so negative. This is my religion. So I get, you know, so just wanted to hopefully enhance your story. Sweet Nileism. Yep, absolutely.

Sweet Nile, yes. Even though the shows were so powerful, you mean you come out of there, you have to be shaken. But so these guys, so there was tons of incidents. They even kicked our cars. They just did all kinds of stuff. And then the cops hated us also because there was riots at shows and things. And so they were on the side of the rock and roll dudes. Are you talking about the LA scene at the time?

Because it was legendary. Oh, yeah. 1989, 80, 81. Henry Rollins and all that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, For sure. And we learned from Detroit. I mean, you guys started punk with DC MC five and everybody. Sure. But, so one of the nights we're on Sunset Boulevard, kind of near gal, this place called SRR studio and we're trying to go into the show. Still there. And stuff out front. Is it still there? Wow. Yeah. It's just a rehearsal space. Yeah. So we're there. We're, we're waiting to go in all of a sudden.

One of the cars of the rock and roll deals, which is always like a souped up Dodge and they pull it, they stop across the street. Three of the guys jump out and start beating up some punker dude. And so I see it and I go, Holy fuck, they're jumping people. So I just ran right out into sunset. I didn't even look at traffic. And then I can hear my friends behind me.

There was, we had a little gang of seven of us, seven or eight. And we just went straight towards the guys. And then I saw my mind said, you know what, let's get the driver. But so then he would leave his friends. So I go and I start punching the driver through his open window and he's trying to lean in to get away from me. But I was landing some good blows onto his ear.

And then he's like, fuck this. So he takes off and leaves his friends. So then we just all turn on the friends and we got as many punches as we could before they ran away. Laid the boots to them so to speak. Yeah, yeah. Laid the boots to them. Finally a happy story. Yeah. One more really quick story. But wait, can I just add on at the end that like, and those rock and rollers were Cinderella.

Or something like that. Those rock and rollers, Tom Keefer were a cinder riper. Yeah. That's right. They moved on. Yeah, we like the camera switches, Motley Cruz going, that's not what happened. Yeah.

It's like that other guy's story with biting his nose. I don't know. I call it bullshit on that story. But anyways, so he- Let me tell you- It's a judgment free space, you know? I agree. I know I agree. I apologize. C.M. or whatever his name was. Yeah. Yeah. Totally what happened? What a terrible apology. But go on. Yeah, but go on. I don't even get his name right. Yeah. Sorry, Bob.

I like when your question you said you so do you love blood now? And he's like, no. What do you mean? Yeah. Well, it's a great, you know, I mean, these things occur to me. Absolutely. I think it was a great question. He's like yeah I've got into doctor, I'm a doctor now. Let me tell you a really quick one, just really really quick. So we're in North Hollywood Park and with seven of us are hanging out and all of a sudden we look across the field and it's like right out of a movie here comes like 30 of those guys, different guys, but here comes like 30 of the same rocking assholes. They get about, I don't know, 12 feet from us. One

of theirs recognized one of ours from Little League and so it stopped the whole thing. Oh thank God. We weren't gonna win that one. We were fucked. Thank God that the rock sub-gen genres can learn to live in peace. Yeah held together by little I'm gonna get some satin jackets made with rockin assholes Yeah, but they all know all those guys went off to be trumpers and so it makes a lot of sense Yeah, yeah, I could yep. I don't I don't doubt it Ted Nugent Case in point. Yep. There you go. Yeah. Oh, that's a yep, I don't doubt it. Ted Nugent, case in point. Yep.

There you go. Oh, that's a great point. Ted versus Iggy Pop, that's a fight I'd like to see. Oh yeah, except Ted would probably, Iggy's kind of small. I don't know, Iggy's squirrely. Yeah, he's squirrely. They're both really old, so. They're both pretty old now, though, yeah.

It would all come down to the knees. Yeah. Iggy can handle pain, I mean, he's to cut his own chest and stuff. Right, right. Stick pencils in, yeah. All right, Tim, well thanks for the call. Keep on rockin', man. Thank you, guys.

Thanks for the tell. That's super fun. If I were to make a more succinct version of Tim's stories, it's like, oh, there was a bunch of us that fought a bunch of other guys. And then there's another time that we beat up these guys. Yeah. That's what we were looking for.

Tim knew the assignment and he answered it perfectly. It's funny sometimes when I work for wrestling, there'd be like, things would happen. Like you'd see like someone behind the scenes or someone like tell this long story. And then like the huge, weird, tough, weirdo would be like, oh yeah, I had to smack this guy. That would be like, oh yeah, that's not a story for you.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a story. That's a Wednesday. Yeah. Megan, finally. Finally, we get to, oh, turn down your radio there. Oh, I'm so sorry. How embarrassing. I love you so much. Oh my God. Okay. Let's hear it. All right, I'll hit it. But I won't hit a car. Okay out that i was in the eighth grade and uh... i was best friends with the chrome and brutal and a guy named to be their best friend and i didn't know that you like him like that right and that

can be never came much closer but it's best friend nothing else that's very good catholic girl and she's been springing up rumor around school that we've got together and i'm like what the heck i didn't even kiss the boy yet so I during the field day when all the teachers were out back smoking whatever they do on field days and the kids running blues I confronted her she's seen at the top of the bleachers that were all stacked up in the gym I walked up to her and I'm like would you say about me and she's like what are you gonna do about it and she

pushed me and I fell all the way did you say about me? And she's like, what are you going to do about it? And she pushed me. And I fell all the way back down to the concrete and got knocked out and dislocated my shoulder. And had a concussion. Timothy tried to catch me, he said, of course he couldn't. So I went to the hospital and all that and she sent me a get well card and all it said was please don't sue me. That was the the sum total of her remorse? Yeah and come to find out well

now I'm a lawyer so jokes on her but she ended up being a nurse of all things. Oh fucking Rachel. Oh my god are you guys gonna fight anytime soon cuz this sounds great. Yeah do it go get her. Lawyer with a past against a nurse. Yeah, find her by a crabapple tree. Yeah. She tried to Facebook friend me, and I just blocked her. I just, I couldn't. I'm like, no, Rachel.

No. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's the digital age we're in. And so I blocked her. And there was no, was there any sort of official repercussions from the school? Or like, did your parents talk to her parents or was it just the Wild West back then in eighth grade? It was literally East Texas like tiny

school no one cared no one did a thing. Wow. Wow I like your story how you said and she started the rumor that we slept together it sounds so like adult. Yeah so sophisticated. I thought it would be more like I heard Megan got fingered. You know, that should have been what she was... Sorry. Oh my, that was so unpopular. And they slept together. They slept.

They had coitus. Well, all right, Megan, thank you for the call. Appreciate y'all. Love you. Be safe. Goodbye. Thank you so much. All right, we got another one here.

We're at 855-266-2604. We're taking calls about fights. Me and Tommy Blatcha, co-creator of Death Clock Metalocalypse. Fight words. Not really, but it's good for the promo. It's really good. I mean, you know, that's a beloved show, and rightfully so.

Garrett. We got a Garrett there? All right, here we go. We got Sam instead. Yeah, can you hear me? Oh, I'm so glad you're a female too, because two females in a row. That's amazing.

Wow. No, because these shows have been very, very testosterone heavy lately. It's about fighting. What do you expect have been very, very testosterone heavy lately. It's about fighting. What do you expect? I know, but no, but what's hotter than women fighting? You're right. Well, first of all, as a lesbian, I guess I do bring some level of testosterone since

I'm dominating, either way. Awesome. I love it. You've said nothing wrong yet. Well, let's get started, I guess. Yeah. You've said nothing wrong yet. Well, let's get started, I guess. Yeah. First of all, I was seven years old when this happened, just like to set the stage.

Kids are vicious, as you know. And again, I don't really, wasn't really like a violent kid, didn't really like get into a lot of trouble. I was actually a really good kid, whatever that means. But I do come from a very large family. So like on just one side of my family, there's 46 first cousins alone. Oh wow. We had a huge, I know, we had huge groups of family gatherings. And obviously there's

some like, Wow, 46. Arguments that kind of happened. That's impressive. Yeah. Unless you're a Saudi Arabian prince and then like, yeah, yeah, that's there's polygamy involved But this was probably just Catholicism. I'm guessing you are correct. Yeah So well one day we had a family gathering again seven years old family gathering

46 first cousins alone not including extended family and so we had to play outside just to give the parents like a break right and The people who are in charge of coming up with like things to do were Unfortunately for me the boys and they really wanted to play a game called farmers and maidens Yeah, I don't know how the hell they came up with that but I just remember thinking I'm like Oh, that's a you-born search if I ever heard one. Yeah, I don't know how the hell they came up with that, but I just remember thinking, I'm like, oh, that's exciting, because I just learned how to plant in school. Like, I have a plant, and like, so like, I could be a farmer. Oh, yeah.

Like in the little Dixie cups, and you're waiting for your seedling. Yeah, yeah. This is adorable. This is amazing. Yes. So obviously, agriculturally speaking, it made sense for me to join the farmer's side. But for them, they were like,

no, you don't have a penis. You have to go to the maiden side because they're pathetic. And we're going to have to figure out a way to slaughter you. And as a child, I didn't really understand As a child, I didn't really understand why is it such a big deal that I have to... I don't want to be... I don't know. It doesn't really fucking matter. The point is that when they told me that, I was like, oh. Yeah. Because I don't understand it now, so it's not like...

Yeah, yeah. It's not like everyone gets the universal understanding of this. There's never an explanation for it. Exactly. Well, I was like, you know what? I'm going to disregard what you're saying. And I'm just still going to join the farmer's side. And again, I'm seven years old, never gotten to a lot of trouble, very shy.

And so I was just like, I didn't really say it or vocalize that. I just like listened to what he said, because it was one of my cousins specifically who was kind of leading it. His name is Pete. I remember very specifically specifically he was like, no, you're a girl, get on the maiden side. And I just like, fuck you, in my head and was just like kind of standing kind of like closer to the farmer side anyway because I wanted to hear how we were planning on slaughtering the maidens. And

so I was like, okay, okay, I think I got it. I'm ready. And so like it's it was almost like a brutal violent violent version of tag, but it's just one large group of boys harassing and pushing the girls. So when we started, obviously I'm pushing the other girls and I'm like chasing everyone. And then Pete goes, everyone stop. What the fuck are you doing?

And he points at me and I'm like I'm the farmer we've discussed this I know you said I was it but out of everyone here my plant in school is the thriving the most like clearly I should be the leader if anything oh god bless you thanks well he didn't like that response he's like so he decides you know what, since you're such a maiden and you're being sassy, he like pushes me. And I just remember him pushing me pretty hard, fall back. And I just went, all right, I guess I'm just going to like have to like hogtie him. Like I assume farmers do when I, you know, I assume that's

what they do based on what I hear. Yeah. When the livestock gets out of line. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, I think that's what you do. So he was like, all right, she's in her place. Let's fucking go. And so they're all doing it again. And this time I'm just chasing him. He doesn't even realize I'm following him. And I just like, I'm dead set on this person. And I was like, fuck you, Pete. I'm a farmer. And so I tripped him. I was able to catch up just enough because he's a little bit older than me.

I got him to trip and fall and I get on top of him and I bit him in the face. And obviously he starts crying and I was so confused because I'm like, this is what you do with pigs, right? Right, well you don't bite him in the face. That's a time honored way farmers deal with pigs, bite them in the face. And did you draw blood when you bit him or did just enough to like hurt him? Just enough to hurt him and then for him to cry and I'm like, yeah, you sound like a little maiden you bitch

and so like I Obviously the parents heard the debacle and like came out and was like what's happening? And I was like he started it and I start crying and then he's crying and then obviously because I'm so adorable and I I was like I was a maiden and I was trying to protect myself they believed it and then they gave me some candy and that was the end of the fight. Thus is the genesis of the farmer maiden using all the brutal skills of a farmer and the manipulative powers of a female. All in one wonderful act. Yes, well one might think the farmers have the upper hand. It is in fact the maidens that reign. Oh, that's inspiring.

Alright, that was good Sam. Thank you, yeah. And as a result of that one little thing, I got to do other little things. I got to join the boy side and play Vikings and detective. Now I'm a lesbian. I think to join the boy side and play Vikings and detective and now I'm a lesbian. I think that kind of like caused no. That's what yeah no that's that is the sort of thing that makes a woman go gay. Thanks. The Genesis of like we said the Genesis of the farmer maiden. Exactly and then if you know and congratulations on that. Yeah you're kind of our

favorite so far at least mine. I'm glad you are. Okay, bye! All right, bye Sam, thanks a lot. All right, next we got Paula. Hey Andy, hey Tommy, how you guys doing today? Great! That's awesome! Where are you calling us from? Can you give your town or? It's called Paw Paw, Illinois. I know where Paw Paw is, yeah. Get out of here. I do, down south, right? Sort of, west-ish, a little south-ish. Wow, well that's good because no one else knows where this ish. Yeah, selfish Wow Well, that's good because nowhere else no one else knows where this town is. Yeah people from When you go to Illinois you when you ever go to the south of Illinois you realize like oh my god This is like the Twilight Zone roads never end. Is this the south is this the yeah, it's really mysterious It is it has nothing to do with the northern part of Illinois.

No, no, once you go south 80, it's a whole different world. Yeah. It's the south, it's actually the south. Exactly. Anyway, my story. Yeah, tell us your fight story. My fight story? This is my fight story.

You betcha. Yeah. What a Broadway show. I was downtown Chicago at the lodge. Yeah. For my 21st birthday. Nice. And me and my roommate were partying with the Oakland A's. Okay. Because she knew them. Happy birthday. We did that all the time. It was a strange time in my life. The Oakland A's. So anyway. coach. I just want to get some sleep. No the whole team's partying with Paula But I'm pitching tomorrow get on the bus get out get over there and grow a mustache

Yeah, so I had to get back to the room because I had school in the morning. So I was still going to University of Illinois Circle campus. Okay. So David, what's David was that? David Stewart. David Stewart that I could sleep on his floor. So we, so the $20. Okay. On the floor for real. He was dating my roommate. So I20 on the floor, for real. He was dating my roommate, so I was on the floor. I'm dating a baseball player when he's in town. Exactly. That's a time-honored tradition.

Yeah, so I'm like, I've got to get some sleep. So he hands me $20 and says, Mark's just left. Catch a cab and go with him. So I walk outside, do do, do, do, do. There's Mark standing on the corner waiting for a cab. And I'm like, uh, David said I should ride back with you. And he gave me 20 bucks. He's like, you had driving with me.

You flocked. And I'm like, what? He was, I know who you hang out with and I know what kind of girl you are. And I'm like, excuse me. And what kind of girl you are and I'm like Excuse me And he's like you heard what I said and I'm like, uh-uh. I'm like you did not just talk to me that way mark McGuire I was bringing out an attitude bad and he was like And then I said blah blah blah and I told him to f off and I walked

your way back into the bar. I was not putting up with that baby child stuff he was up to. I know it was like people were watching on the streets. Wow was he all roided up then too? Oh my god he was totally this was 91. Oh oh so he was with the A's after the Cardinals? No, before. Oh, before. Oh, okay. Yeah, the cardinals after the A's. Why don't you pop some more zits on your back, McGuire? Yeah, I can hear your testicles shrinking. And your neck is just your whole shoulders. Yeah, wow. I'm stunned. That's awesome. That's one of my favorite fight stories ever and my favorite brush with um royalty. Yeah MLB royalty. Brush with douchery. Wow goodness gracious.

with douche-ery. Wow, goodness gracious. Alright Paula, well thank you so much and tell Paw Paw we said hello. I sure will, I'll go outside and yell it right now. Bye bye Paula. I'd like to say that those last two callers were two top-notch broads. They were. High fives all around for the ladies. All right, well, we're near the end here of the show. Heard some good fight stories. We usually wanna pick the best one. We sorta pick our favorites. And there's no real criteria, aside from just, what do you wanna do? Personal judgment of people.

Yeah, yeah. But I think I might have to say CM's story about, I mean, although there was some controversy among the callers about the veracity of the story, but I think that the end of the nose, like I can picture it, I, you know, I think it's the most cinematic of the stories. This is true.

Now, I'm confused. Are we picking our favorite or the most likely to be a serial killer? Because he's that, certainly. But, uh. Well, whichever. You can pick both. I mean, there's no rules here.

Yeah, so I guess it's the most impactful. Ah, boy, I don't know, man. I really like those last two. But I see what you mean. They're kind of more typical. He's, you know, man, I really like those last two. But I see what you mean. They're kind of more typical. CM was intriguing, because there's a lot to like about him and a lot to hate about him. But boy, but I think.

He's been bullied. Yeah, he's been bullied. The crabapple tree. Now, this is live, so we couldn't edit his thing. So yeah, boy, that kind of. It's out into the world. That kicks it down a couple notches. I got to go with Sam with the genesis of the farmer maiden.

Yeah, the farmer maiden. Yeah, that's for me. Which hopefully by the time the Olympics get to LA, we'll have that as an Olympic sport. That would be great. Farmer maiden. But I liked her because she was also like, I was just a little kid.

But then I decided to say, fuck you. Yeah. Yes. Every child needs to remember that moment when they first thought, fuck that guy. Yeah. But. All right. Well, Tommy, thanks so much. My pleasure. Is there anything you want to plug? Oh, yeah. Speaking of fights, I do a podcast called Tales from the Attitude Era. Just get on social media and look it up. So it's about my time there in the golden age of wrestling at the WWF with my co-host Rob Pespani.

It's fun. People see it. It is. Yeah, I was on it. And even if you don't earn a wrestling fan, just the stories. Wrestling is an amazing world, and it's pretty fascinating stuff. And as Jay Leno would say, people seem to like it.

People seem to like it. People seem to like it. All right, well thank you so much for tuning in to the Andy Richter Collins show. We will be back next week with more of the same. I love you. Wanna fight now? No, I don't wanna fight. Brian Radio!