The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Vanessa Bayer

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

Vanessa Bayer joins Andy Richter to discuss  interning for Conan, the advantages of having a cool older brother, the fat-free snack that releases your bowels, her great show "I Love That for You," and more.

Thank you, first of all, for being here. Thank you for having me, and thank you for doing my podcast as well. Oh, sure. That was so fun. Sure. That was the only reason I did your podcast is so that you would come on this one. That's so nice. Yes.

I do nothing without some form of quid pro quo. What's in it for me? Nothing's free in this world. And the sooner everyone figures that out, the better that they'll be with, you know, life. That's Vanessa Bayer, everyone. That's my motto. That's the pull quote from this podcast.

So we're started. Thanks for tuning in, Vanessa. We're doing this in studio, which is we're doing more and more. And it's always so nice because it does make a difference. There's Zoom. You know, people complain about Zooms, but Zooms are really convenient. They're, oh. Oh, you don't have to about Zooms, but Zooms are really convenient. They're, oh. Oh, you don't have to go.

It's just like. You know, you don't even, you can wear such casual pants. Yes. Or none. Or no pants. None. And it's like, it's being home rocks, you know? And you don't even, like, there have been times, too, when I will just take the computer into a different room because it's like, oh, I don't want to clean up that pigsty.

I'll go into this, like, my daughter's bedroom. And it looks like I'm a 17-year-old girl. Yeah. But, you know, no big deal. Or you can have certain parts of a room clean. Yes. And then just face the computer. Right, exactly.

Just angle it. Well, anyway, besides that, it's just face the computer. Right, exactly. Just angle it, so. Well, anyway, besides that, it's great to see you. You too. And yes, I was on your podcast, which you do with your brother. Yes. You guys have done a number of things together. Now we're about a year and a half in, or like a season and a half in.

But didn't you do something before, too, with your brother? We used to do a web series called Sound Advice. Right. Yes, where I played like a condescending media coach and we would have different musicians come on and I would give them like really condescending advice. Yeah. And we did that for like about a year and maybe longer and we really loved doing that. And so then we now we used to both live in New York when we did that. And now I'm in L.A. and my brother's in Massachusetts.

So we're, I guess I expected a bigger reaction from you, Andy, on me saying Massachusetts. Massachusetts? Yeah, like that's far. Oh, that is far. Thank you so much. Wow. How do you do it? Should I do it again?

Yeah. That's really far. Wait, L.A. and Massachusetts? Yeah. Wow. What? That's about as far away from each other as you can get in the contiguous United States. Right?

Yeah. Wow. I think you were. Hope he doesn't move to Maine. Exactly. Yeah. Because that's, you know, without being good at geography, I feel like that's got to be even crazier. It could be.

It could be further away. It could be. It could be further away. It could be. It could be. Yeah. But so we wanted to do something together. And then we came up with the idea for this nostalgic podcast because we already text and email each other a lot. Like, do you remember, like, the Wildlife Federation trading cards with the kid who goes duck-billed platypus? Like, we would, like—

Right. And we both research a lot of stuff like that on our own. Do you—because I'm not a particularly nostalgic person. Yeah. And nostalgia is now such a gigantic thing. And, I mean, now it's kind of become its own thing. But, like, when Stranger Things started. Yes.

Yeah. Just the fact that, like, here's a scary story about monsters, which I'm like, okay. And it's got a ton of nostalgia, which I'm like, well, that just kind of gets in the way of the monsters for me. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. But that's because I'm an old curmudgeon who didn't really connect with any cultural touchstones. I think we just haven't found the right one yet. I know.

I mean, no, I'm nostalgic about things. I certainly am. But there is so much nostalgia. A, what attracts you to this nostalgic kind of urge? And B, why do you think it's so big out in the world? Yeah. The thing that attracts me to nostalgia is that I think it reminds me of a time in my life that was like so innocent and sort of like, and you know, now I'm like bad girl drugs. Sure. Constantly. You know, like jail, prison.

You can't see now. Her face is covered with cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Drugs in prison. I thought it was powder, but it's like makeup.

No, I've got Coke face from all the Coke that I love to do it, but I buy from all the drug dealers. That you've horked up out of the Coke bowl in your car before you came up here. So obviously before I started doing all that stuff, but just as a kid, you're so innocent that stuff. But I like I just as a kid, like you're so innocent and stuff. It's it's funny that certain things like really stick in your mind more than other things. And I just think that's so interesting. And like I sort of at a lot of times long for those days when I was just like, you know, being an adult is so hard and you have to like, yeah, pay bills and like, you know, make your bed. Not not a lot of kids make their beds, but like, you know, make your bed. Not, not a lot of kids make their beds, but I just, you know, I didn't. And like, I just like, um, and honestly,

do I make it now? Maybe an overstatement. I'm going to be right back there in like an hour. That's the thing about making your bed in general. Should I do a tight five about making your bed? Sure. What is this thing yeah what for who yeah for grandma yeah okay forget it i feel like she's giving me okay so um so anyways i i just think like it's um now i've kind of lost my train of thought but i just that time nostalgia nostalgia yeah just that time of like just certain things were felt so cool. And like when you're a kid, you're just not jaded at all. Yeah.

Um, and you know, my other thing aside from being drugs and prison lady is that I was so jaded and I always go take it to the, you know, you know, yeah. Talk to the hand. Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. That's me. Was that what you were looking for? Talk to the hand. I go, I go in, in what I go. Yeah, I've seen it hand. I go, I go, in what?

I go, yeah, I've seen it all. And it's not so great. You know, that's not what I say to people. And they are crushed. Over it. Yeah, yeah. But I think that, and I promise I'm almost done with this mint that I'm eating. I know, I think it's exciting.

It's almost done. Because I'm waiting to see, like, I had this whole thing going on, like, is the mint gone yet? It's almost gone. But, you know, Lifesavers mints, they just last a long time. And there's, like, a bale of them in the lobby. And I actually just filled my pocket with some of them. I was going to say, that's so my style. Take them with you.

You're going to want them later. That's like a Chicago thing that we picked up. I think it's more of a grandma thing. I think we both have grandma in us. Yeah. You know, you can't say no to free candy or waters or anything. No kidding. I don't take the rolls home.

You know, like my grandma used to put rolls in her purse. Like bread rolls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like you go to a restaurant and they put rolls on the table. And if there's any extra, they're going in the purse. You know what I will take home that's rolls adjacent is if there's like a fun cookie, you got to wrap it up in a little napkin. It's

a cookie. Yeah. And then when you take it out of your napkin, it's probably broken into a thousand pieces, but guess what? Still edible. That's right. And a month later, when you clean your purse, you can just shake the crumbs right into your right into your mouth. Yeah, exactly. I have a relative. I won't say who, because some of my relatives listen to this podcast. But just like the the the best, cheapest, like cheap, cheap restaurant thing. Yeah.

I had a relative who used to, instead of giving her children milk at restaurants, would ask for water and then pour the creamer pot into it. Oh, my God. So she was like giving her kids like half water, half coffee mate in lieu of milk. Such a smart idea because isn't that— This is having the exact opposite reaction I was sort of getting at. Isn't that sort of what skim milk is? Isn't it just—it's probably not because it's like skim milk parts or something. Right. But isn't—

Skim milk has the fat removed. Right. But then, like, 2% milk versus whole milk, is it just like— It's just the removal of fat. There's no addition of water. But isn't removing fat the same as adding water? Because if you think about it. I'm going to say no.

If you end up with. I actually do think it's a smart idea, though, and I will try it. Well, now you have to open up 50 little cups. Well, it's also like the time that I will try it, okay, is if I'm ever with a friend because I don't order milk a lot at restaurants,

but if I'm ever with a friend and we're like, let's get cookies and milk, I'll say, and we already have like, I'll say- Like a bunch of cream on the table.

Already sitting there. Or because we're like, someone has like tea. Yeah. And we go like, yeah, let's get cookies and milk and tea. And then we're like, someone has like tea. Yeah. And we go like, yeah, let's get cookies and milk and tea. And then we're like, that's a lot of beverages in it. You know, I don't know, $5 a beverage. Right.

Could we just get two teas and can we get a side of creamer? And then I'll be pulled apart. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. And half a glass of water. Yeah. Do not fill it more. And then, yeah. And half a glass of water. Yeah. Do not fill it more

than half full, please. And then, or you just take your water, drink a little bit of it, get a little hydration and then put that creamer in. I think it's smart. You're really pulling one over on that coffee shop too. You're showing them. Especially if you're like just dunking the cookie mostly. Yeah. Which I guess by that logic, just dump it right in that creamer. Right, exactly. You could break off little chunks of cookie, put them in a little tub of creamer, and then just do like a shooter. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah, that sounds good.

And then it's very good portion control because I bet you get halfway through and just get bored with the cookie in general. Yeah, that's great. So why do you think nostalgia is so popular out in the world? Well, I think because things are sort of hard right now. Yeah, and terrifying. And terrifying. Yeah, yeah. Largely hopeless if you really sit down and think about it.

Exactly, exactly. So I think it takes us back to a time when we didn't feel that way, when we felt like, you know, there isn't a pandemic or, you know, we don't have like our democracy. Yeah, democracy is in trouble. But so I think it's just like it takes everybody back to that time when they felt more kind of hopeful. And and I think people are really craving that. I know I personally always am. And so, um, I think it's like nice to talk about those things. And also it's like, feels

very, um, it feels like making a connection with other people when you both remember the same things. Like a lot of times when, when Jonah and I do the podcast, people will message us and say, like, I totally remember that thing. Like I had a friend. Who was telling me after we were talking about the Alicia Silverstone Aerosmith video where she crying, where she jumps off the she bungee jumps at the end of the video and but earlier in the video, she gets a belly button piercing. And I always thought that those were related. Like, I always thought she was, sorry, because this paints a bad picture, but like I thought she had a belt on too or something.

But I thought the bungee was attached to her belly button ring. Wow. I thought that was intentional by like, this is the narrative story we're telling. Have you ever met Alicia Silverstone and been like, you have an incredibly strong belly button? Yeah. But my friend Maria was like, I was listening to your podcast and I thought the same thing. Oh. So anyway, that's a really specific example. But I think a lot of times it connects. You feel so connected to other people when you when you all remember the

same sort of really specific things yeah and now that I'm thinking about it too it makes sense because I I mean there's certainly things that I find comfort in they're just my particular like I find comfort in um restaurants that are where I'm like the youngest person by like 30 years yes like restaurants full of elderly people. Because usually there's like something good because unless it's dirt cheap, you don't bring in the oldies if you don't got the goods.

Right, right. And also it makes me feel like I'm with my grandparents. Totally, totally. For some reason seemed like they were way more stable than any other adults in my life. And so I think I always look back at that.

Yeah. You know, a nostalgic food that you could always make for yourself that will remind you of your grandparents is tuna salad and cantaloupe. Is that not? No, because tuna was forbidden by me. I didn't like it. I mean, I can eat it now, but I did not like tuna when I was a kid. Once my friends and I went and stayed at my friend Julie's grandparents' condo in Boca. And we sat by the pool and we ordered tuna salad and cantaloupe.

And it felt like we were living our best lives. and cantaloupe and it felt like we were living our best lives because that's what all of our grandparents would go to boca and order um tuna salad and cantaloupe it's actually if you have come around to tuna salad oh i like tuna salad yeah yeah it's pretty fun with cantaloupe it's i do like it but i i you know it's still like a little cat foodie to me. I hear you. I hear you. And I much prefer tuna in olive oil than in water. Whoa. Have you ever had tuna? I've never met someone who's said that before. But also, I don't think.

Have you ever had tuna in olive oil? I guess so. I guess so. I mean, you drain the oil off just like you do the water. You know, I'm sure it's better. I mean, why wouldn't that taste better? So good. Try it with oil. That's all I can say. I can't wait. Yeah. There you go. Now you're from Ohio. That's right. So you're used to mayo. Oh yeah. Because yeah, that's like, I'm from Illinois. Might as well be the same. Yes. Because it is just like everything is creamy mayo based. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's like we sort of ate somewhat healthy in my family, but it was a lot of because, you know, it was the 90s. Everything was very like low fat. And you thought because it was the 90s, you thought that calories didn't matter. It just has to be low fat. So we had like low fat everything. But still mayo and stuff, but it would be like reduced, you know, a Hellman's reduced whatnot. Right. Mayo, I guess. Yeah, nonfat or fat free.

Yeah, or fat free. We had a lot of fat free stuff. I mean, now that you know, it's like the shit that they put in there to make it fat-free. Oh, my God. It's like it just can't. It's got to be floor wax or something. Oh, totally. Something that's just should not be in your organs being filtered.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, and, you know, by the way, I feel like I've been promoting this product so much on my own podcast and other is like, I really do miss Miss Wow Chips. Remember those? Oh, the ones that gave you explosive diarrhea? Because those were. I think that was their slogan. I think so too. The chips.

I think it was wow. I shit everywhere. Wow. Wow. I'm a jet plane. Yeah. But those, the fat molecules in them were too big. So you your body couldn't digest them. Yeah.

But it tasted they tasted great. And it's like, just don't make plans for the night that you're eating. You know, like sacrifices need to be made. Yeah. Yeah. This is a midweek thing, especially, you know, being in high school and stuff. I was like, I, I don't really, you know, I wasn't really going out on weeknights. They were school nights. So I can have wow chips all week and then I'll sort of taper down on Thursday, Friday. Right. When you, you know, you're going to be out in a skirt and heels and you don't want. Yeah. To be crapping every, but. Now, did you find that? I mean, because I don't, I don't, I mean, I know I ate, it was Olestra, I think. Yeah. To be crapping every. But. Now, did you find that? I mean, because I don't, I don't.

I mean, I know I ate. It was Olestra, I think. Yes. I ate some things with that in there, but I never noticed. I don't, I don't feel like I had a huge response to it in terms of. Not to be too personal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know.

But, you know, I worked at an ad agency in Chicago. It was like one of my, one of my first jobs in Chicago. It was like one of my one of my first jobs in Chicago. And I we did the marketing for this new pill called it was called it doesn't exist anymore, but it's like similar to I think a lot of like diet pills that are out now. And it was a similar to Alestra, but it was like made your body kind of think all, I might be getting some of the science wrong, but made your body think every fat was sort of like too big for your body to digest. So I remember they weirdly were sort of like, if you work at the company, you can try this stuff, but here's like the manual so that you know going in what you're getting into.

And I remember some of my friends at work and I like scroll, like looking through it and it said, it said something so gross about like, it just referenced like your underwear and how there might be some like oily, some residue. And the way they said it, I was like. No problem. I mean, you know. Yeah, I was like.

It happens usually. I thought this was gross, but I also thought, should I dry it? I don't know. It could be dry back there. Maybe a little oil wouldn't hurt. Yeah, I'm not going to work at this place forever. Grease things up. You know, that's just reminding me.

And maybe, was it called creatine? Oh. me and I, and maybe, was it called creatine? Cause there was, I remember back in the, right when I moved out here, I think in the early two thousands, somebody told me like, oh, there's, I mean, it's a supplement and people are going to be mad cause I'm getting it wrong. But it was kind of that thing where like just flat or fat, it bonded to fat and flushed it right out of your body. Whoa. So, and it was very specific about when you were supposed to take it.

Yeah. Like it was like before a meal or something like that. And I like did, I forgot and I took it at the wrong time. And I had a day of meetings and I was driving around. Oh my God. And it was one of those things of like, well, like just going from driving do to do to do to I am going to shit my pants like right in a moment. And I was at red lights bracing my foot against the floor, you know, like underneath the break, whatever the firewall and just like

arching my back, trying to hold it pulled into like it's a Japanese hotel in La Cienega that's changed, I think. Just pulled up, threw a 20 at the guy and just ran into the lobby. Oh, my God. It cost me $20, but I was like, I'll be right back. Please. But anyway, I stopped taking creatine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That stuff is, it is, it's very, it must be, you have to stick to the timing or else. Right.

Yeah. Or else it'll liquefy your innards. And that'll come on real quick. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Now, are you and your brother, you're the only two in the family? Can't you tell my love's a crow? Now, are you and your brother, you're the only two in the family? Just Jonah and I.

Just the two of you. And he's younger, correct? He's two years older. Oh, two years older. Two years older. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. Do you have a very much a big brother, little sister dynamic? Yeah.

So he has always been into music and stuff. And I've always thought, oh, he's so cool. All right. All right. All right. Or you know, I was just being an asshole. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Especially like he plays music, too. Yes. And that always does seem like magic. And also a dummy like me. Exactly. To me, too. And I'm not I wasn't agreeing with you calling yourself a dummy. No, that's all right. But but he always be in these, like, really hardcore punk bands. And as you might imagine, like, those—I wasn't exactly, like—that wasn't exactly my scene.

So I would always, like, go and try and, like, support him and see his shows. How young were you when you were going to see these early punk shows? Probably when we were both in high school. Maybe I was in eighth or ninth grade. Oh, wow. Yeah. And they're all ages show? Yeah. Yeah. I guess they were mostly all ages shows. I mean, and, and, and yeah, he was when he was a senior in high school and stuff, too. Yeah, I would just go kind of try and wear like try and look sort of goth right but it's something about my face doesn't quite pull it off um but just trying to like always and then he started writing for different music magazines and stuff in college and then he became the editor of this

magazine called ap magazine which is this music magazine that's based out of... Alternative Press, right? Exactly, yeah. And I would just brag about him all the time and just always... And he took me to my first concert. He took me to Lilith Fair when I was probably in seventh grade or something. And so I just always was like, my cool older brother, this is so cool. And he would drive me to school and we'd always be running late because he'd always be running late. And he would be like blasting the misfits and sex pistols and stuff. And I'd be like, awesome, like showing up to school, acting and being very cool. Yeah, yeah.

You know, and then kind of get out and go to my AP classes and sort of be quiet. Yeah. But then, but then when I got, it was funny because when I got on SNL, like people would always call me Jonah's sister. And then when I got on SNL, people started sort of calling Jonah Vanessa's brother. And that was very weird. But then the great equalizer was whenever my brother would come to the show, he would like 50% of the time know the musical guest that was performing on SNL. And that makes him cooler than anyone.

And that makes me Jonah's sister again. Because they'd be like, oh, you're Jonah's sister. And I'd be like, you know it. Check the opening of the show. Yeah. I'd say, well, you know. Check the opening of the show,

Jesus and Mary Chain. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You know exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and also. Also, just check with the times. Vanessa's the up and comer. Yeah.

But it was fun. I always like being referred to as Jonah's little sister because it makes me feel so cool. Yeah. Because it makes me feel so cool. Yeah. I mean, we have to touch it because it's a big part of your past. Yeah. And your story and, you know, one that you've exploited as of late. Yes, big time.

You were sick when you were little. Yes. I mean, not little. You were a teenager. I was a teenager. Yeah. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with childhood leukemia and I had treatment and well, this will bring up another story with my brother. I had treatment until I was like a like 17. So like for a couple

of years, which is the standard like treatment for that. And is it chemo radiation? Yeah, I had chemo and I had like 10 days of radiation. And yeah, so it was a difficult time, but I really, my family was very supportive. Jonah was always really supportive. And I don't mean to skip ahead like past this, but it really made me think of a funny story, which is that. Please do. So I was done with treatment like the summer before my senior year of high school. And I had an end of chemo party. That's kind of how I was doing it. OK, like I was like, I'm not hiding from the attention that this illness gives me.

Yeah. You know, always loved attention. And I'm going to obviously have a party to celebrate my end of chemo. Of course. So my brother and his friends, like I had I had people over to my parents house and my brother and his friends like played. I got my brother to play like music in the backyard. And I thought it was so cool because Jonah and his friends were like performing in the backyard. And then there was like a noise thing where like one of the neighbors called the cops or something like that.

And so the police came over and they thought we were having like an underage drinking party, which it's like, hey, guys, it's an end of chemo party. And once you figure that out, you're going to feel like really big assholes. So they were like going through that. And then my parents and we were like, it's an end of chemo party. And the cops, I think, felt they're just doing their job. But I think they felt really bad because it was like, why don't you go deal with the real criminals? OK, yeah. Whoever called this in. Yeah. Why don't you go deal with the real criminals? Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Whoever called this in. Yeah. Why don't you go arrest them for being bogus? Yeah. But it's just so funny because thinking back on my brother at that time. So like if I was a senior or I was almost a senior in high school and my brother was like almost a sophomore, I guess, in college, like they were probably just playing like crazy. Like it probably wasn't even. probably just a mess. Yeah. From the neighbor's house. It just

sounded like bass feedback. Yeah, exactly. Like and I was like, this is awesome. I want everybody to hear this. Like all my friends from high school are going to think I'm awesome. Yeah. Like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what ways to your life did your life change? I mean, from having that, like in the middle of high school, you're kind of pulled out of. Totally. You're sort of sidelined from things in a lot of ways. I think that it it's sort of yeah, it's sort of sidelined me in certain ways. And I think in some ways it made it once I went to college and stuff and was on my own, I really felt like I was playing catch up a lot and stuff. But in other ways, I think it sort of made me it sort of like was the beginning of my comedy career because I realized that with my friends, if I would joke with them a lot, they would feel comfortable around me.

And they would feel like I was the same Vanessa and everything. And my parents and my brother like would always be joking about it. Like we would joke a lot about like this special treatment that we got, which is sort of has is has sort of made its way into my show. I love that for you because it's like just just the way we would get treated and and even the doctor's appointments and sort of just the way I don't know, it just there was something there was sort of like we found humor in all of it. And it really like I just remember joking about it with my friends and just it felt so nice to be able to do that. And I think it like I think because that was such a powerful thing

when I was sick, it sort of later when I realized I wanted to do comedy, I think that I And I think it like, I think because that was such a powerful thing when I was sick, it sort of later when I realized I wanted to do comedy, I think that I don't think I knew it at the time, but I think that had a lot to do with it because I was like, this is such a like healing thing. And it's such a great, like sort of common language for everyone to speak when you're going through something so hard. Yeah. I always think it's fighting back. Yeah. It's fighting back. It's like, you know, I mean, not to be corny, but it's like there's a lot of darkness. So it's like, hey, I'm going to make some light, you know, light meaning two different things like, you know, getting rid of the darkness, but also, hey, come on. Yeah. And, you know, sometimes it's

whistling past the graveyard, as they say. Yeah. But a lot of times it just seems like, no, this is what this is what needs to happen in times like that. Totally. Do you feel like do you think you'd be in the same place if you hadn't been sick? I don't know. I really thought about that. I have. I've I've I've been like, what would I have done? Would I have? I mean, there's like, it's something interesting because when I was a little kid, I was always like putting on shows and performing and stuff like that. But then when I was like in middle school and high school, I was kind of like shyer. I wasn't doing that stuff as much. I think my experience around, wow, that's going to sound terrible. No. Having a teenage daughter.

Yeah. There comes a point, I was about to say my experience around teenage girls, which I just meant her and her friends. Yes. Yeah. Is there just seemed to become a day with all of them where they were like, I don't want anyone looking at me. Yeah.

Stop looking at me world. Yeah. You know, and so I think that's, you know. Yeah. So I think that's true, like, because you just want to be the same as everybody else and you don't want to really stand out. And so I think, I wonder, in some ways, I'm thinking through this as I say it, like, in some ways, I guess, because I was sick, I didn't have the choice.

Like, I kind of had to stand out and I maybe reminded me that I actually love that attention and I love, you know, but I also I yeah, it was such a helpful thing when I was sick. I don't know. I really don't know. I truly I remember being in eighth grade, which was like a year before I was diagnosed and taking and taking a career quiz. We all had to take a career quiz. career quiz. We all had to take a career quiz. And the career that that I got was like, I think the career I got was newscaster. Oh, yeah. So I think I was interested in performing still, but was I don't know. I really don't know. Not about the real world. No, I I yeah, I think the career test was saying, yeah, you'll want to perform about, um, a three car pile up and you're like, no. And I'm like, well, yeah, I started out in

college in journalism and, and realized like, I don't care about other stories. Like I just want my stories. I don't care about real things. I want fake things. That's how, when I went to college, I was like, I really was into like chemistry and stuff. I really liked science in high school. And I thought I started out as like a biology major. That's how that was like my, you had to like put something down and I put down biology. And in my mind, I think I was like I'll be a biology teacher who or I'd be a biologist who has like her own show or like or like I'm like a medical researcher who's like who's also a birthday clown yeah does like a does like a her own show about medical like everything sort of ended with like me having my own show so then it was like and then and then I found that accepted to Harvard Medical School great I mean that's fine and everything

yeah yeah but I gotta get the show together but I'll do like a reality show while I'm in the but I think that um yeah so then I think call in college I started taking really I started off with like a really tough biology class and it was so hard and I think they were trying to weed out the, not the people who would do pre-med and stuff. And I was like, oh, I got to, I got to be a communications major. Yeah, yeah. That made it sort of clear. Yeah, yeah. I could do that. Can't you tell my loves are growing now you get out of school yeah and uh you uh with i think you've called it like the most momentous thing to ever happen you got an internship at the

conan o'brien show the most or that was well that was during school that was during school yeah yeah yeah and and where and where did you go to school? And how did that work for you? I went to UPenn and I, somebody. What's the UPenn Conan O'Brien pipeline? There really isn't one, except that I was a communications major. And I was sort of like trying to get a TV internship.

And then this girl was like, my mom's friend works at Conan, could maybe help me. And that helped me get the internship. And then this girl was like, my mom's friend works at Conan could maybe help me. And that helped me get the internship. And then I was friends with this guy who there was like, it was like some web of connections where his mom knew. And then it was like, and then I interviewed and I did the whole thing. And then,

cause I think that internship was really hard to get. Like it, they don't, don't take that many. I think so. Yeah. Because the show was popular with college kids think so. Yeah. Because the show was popular with college kids. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like if you're going to totally think.

Yeah. Yeah. So it was like I am assuming. Yeah. I mean, so coming from Cleveland, I didn't really have I didn't really have connections like in the TV world, but somehow I was able to like make some at college. And then I remember one of the people who interviewed me at Conan was like, how'd you get this interview? And I was like, I applied for it. Cause I didn't want to be like, do you know so-and-so?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that would be right. Cause I applied for it. Yeah, I know. And what was it like for you there? Oh, I loved it. I thought it was so. I mean, it was the show, it went into its slump because I wasn't there.

Because you weren't there. Right, right, right. And everyone said, yeah, Andy's not here. The shitty years. Conan, the shitty years. Exactly, exactly. Right. But I, it was so cool to me to see how how the show came together every day and and how the writers would sort of like be talking to each other.

And also, I don't know if you remember this from from when, you know, like you if two interns get picked to put in the dinner order for all the writers. Yeah. And then if you're one of those interns, you also get to order dinner for yourself. Mm-hmm. So did you always elbow your way into that? Yes! I would be like, okay. Another lobster, please.

I just remember we would order from such nice places, especially when you're like an intern. You know, you're just not. So I just remember being like, okay, these people have it absolutely made like they're ordering dinner from such fancy places and like I I was like this is the life also there were three women there who had really curly hair I don't know if you remember this like one was I don't even remember. Ellie Barancic, probably? Ruth Sinanian? Yeah,

Ruth was one of them. Yeah. And they told me to get my haircut at this place, Devishon, for curly hair. And it was like, I was like, okay, not only is everyone cool and smart, but they're also stylish. It was so fun. Was it like a big New York City sort of gush? Yeah, yeah. Where do you live when you're doing this? Do you have family, friends or something? I stayed at the NYU dorms. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And actually, I had interned in New York the summer before, too, and done the same thing where I stayed at the NYU dorms. Because you could sort of like rent them out. Because you worked on Sesame Street, too, right? The summer before that. Oh, wow. Yeah, which was also so cool.

I bet. I mean, this, I think it was so, it was The summer before that. Yeah. Yeah. Which was also so cool. I mean, this I think it was so it was just coming from Cleveland. It was like I had to like sort of that that internship was my this children in media class that I took, which was so interesting, all about kids, TV shows and stuff, which I absolutely loved. They're like they helped me get that in. Like it was just so I think it was like one of the teacher's assistants like helped me get it and my friend Max was working at Nickelodeon or at Sesame Street at the time too oh okay and now he works at Nickelodeon but he he you're a total nepo baby so I'm a so I'm

a like a if my college is um a parent I'm a nepo of the college um well I mean no I think internships are I went I did internship I went to film school was in an internship in Chicago and what was your internship a production company which one uh a town it was the company was called McWaters okay and uh oh that's right because you kind of worked there and I worked my My first job was at a production company, but it was called. It was kind of a small one, and we made this this HGTV show called like New Spaces or something. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. And we made audio books, too. And I don't know that I you know, I left Chicago in like 1991. Yeah. Ninety one. So, yeah. So I don't know. What did Chicago in like 1991. Yeah.

So, yeah. So I don't know. What did the production company make that you interned? Commercials. Oh, great. Just television commercials. They don't exist anymore. They come and go.

Yeah. But I, yeah, I worked at this. I mean, I worked at that place. I ended up working there like eight months. Yeah. You know, I mean, I worked at that place. I ended up working there like eight months. Yeah. You know, I mean, well beyond. And what's the thing about internships? And I don't know how to fix it because I learned a lot as an intern.

But yeah, I mean, it's exploitative. It just is. Yeah, right. Because I had to pay. I don't even I don't know whether it was four credits or whatever. I had to pay whatever four credits cost. What it cost at your college. Wow.

Yeah, at the school to work there. And then, like I say, they'd be like, well, can you keep coming in? And like, yeah, okay, I guess I can. Where were you at school? Columbia College. Okay, so you were right. So you could just go in between. Right.

And it was simultaneous. Yeah. In my senior year. And then and in fact, when like when I started working for them, the first paid job I had, I filled out the time card with what I what I saw on the budgets because it was like kind of pre computers. So the budgets were on paper. Yeah. And I saw what they paid PAs and I put that amount in and the guy's like, oh yeah,

you don't get that until you've been around a while. I've been, I said, I've been working here eight months. He's like, yeah, but you haven't been paid to work here. So you really considered like,

you're just starting out. Oh my God. I was like, fuck you. That's so, the internship thing was like such a. It's a mixed bag. It really is. Cause you do, cause I, that's where, that's where I went to film school. Totally. I agree. I like,

like it's such a great experience, but then the, um, there's like those little things like that, where you're like, no, it's just, it's just not legal anymore. Yeah, exactly. Or, or, and maybe is, I don't know, you know. And I want to say I'm very grateful for my Conan internship. Yeah. Oh, I can imagine. Again. And thank you. I'm going to thank you on behalf of the organization. Thank you so much. You're welcome. But did you I mean, if you hadn't become a performer, do you think you would have ended up working in television somehow in some other way? Yeah, you know, I really liked when I went to college, I really liked children's media and all the different sort of educational shows and how that all worked. And my friend Max was, like I said, he was working at Sesame Street and I got to go. Like I said, he was working at Sesame Street and I got to go.

And when I guess when I interned there, I got to go. He was in the research department where they would go into schools and test like storyboards and stuff with kids and see if they were learning the right things. Oh, wow. From the different stories, because every episode of Sesame Street is like so it takes such a long time. Yeah, there's psychologists behind it. Yeah. And I thought that was so cool. And I also took a class where we got to write a children's book and we researched like children's books. I loved I always loved children's books, too.

So I so I think I might have gone into something with children's media because I really I just think that stuff is so fascinating. And yeah, that's what I think. What do you think you would have done if you hadn't? I think I would be working in film production in Chicago. Yeah. Or advertising. I think I might have gotten frustrated with not because film production working anywhere is freelance. Yeah. And I think I would have eventually,

because I had just working on things and being fucking hilarious 24 seven. No, there were a lot like advertising people that I'd work with. Yes. That would be like, hey, do you want to be a copywriter? And unfortunately it was always like an agency in Columbus, Ohio.

Yes, totally. Which I really, a guy said, come to Columbus. He said, I'll pay. And it was like he gave a number and I don't remember what it was, but it was like 80 grand or something. And at the time, I think I was making 15 grand. He said, come to Columbus because it was a small job that I had. I took people around and I was one of the it was a very light crew. And it was an industrial film about some giant holding corporation. And so we film it like Saks Fifth Avenue and a paper mill because it's this one person owned all of this or this one company.

And he's like, yeah, come to Columbus and I'll pay you this. And I was like, you know, geez, do I move to Columbus? Yeah. And I just, I ended up, you know, just being like, I'm not ready. Yeah, you knew that wasn't. I'm not ready yet. But there could have very well come a time if, you know, things hadn't worked out where I would have gone to Columbus. Or I would have gone and said, yeah, let me be a copywriter because. Yes.

It's a joke. You're a joke writer. Totally. And I and it was there and I could have done it. I mean, not to be, but it's like I write jokes, you know, I mean, and I think I could have, you know, that's probably what I would have done. A hundred percent. And I, you know, I worked at Draft FCB for like my last, which was this big ad agency in Chicago.

Footcone Belding is the FCB. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was there when it was just Draft and then we merged with Footcone. Oh. Yeah, so. But I remember it was like, so I was like the traffic department. So I was sort of the liaison between the account and creative people. But then they were starting to hire all these like Second City people

to help with like some of the- Pitches and things? Yeah, like some of the KFC. And I remember being like, oh my God, they're hiring them and they don't even have to go to like copywriting school. Like they're letting them just, which was actually so smart of them to do that

because these are such funny people. Yes. But I remember like passing out these like things that I had to pass it to my team and then walking by like the room where all the Second City people were like having the absolute time of their lives and like laughing and stuff and being like. And can't believe they're getting paid. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. It was like such a.

But but it was. Yeah, it's. But those it is. I don't know if that's such a. You think that's where you would have been. I don't know, because I never even though I liked working there and stuff, it was such a bizarre like you really had to love it. Like you really because people were just always trying to jump to other ad agencies and and like, you know, get I don't know. It just felt like it was such crazy hours for a lot of people. And and then like I remember we had I think it's okay for me to give this away now.

I think it was maybe private to the company at the time. But we had, I'm giving you something so stupid that I built it up too much. But we had like a big yearly. We'll put in like exciting music behind this. Yeah, yeah. We had like a yearly meeting with everybody. And they said like the theme of this coming year is innovation. And then like everybody got these like notebooks that were the front of the notebook.

The cover of the notebook was like metal. And it had like kind of like printed into it, like pushed up. Stamped. Yeah, stamped into it. Exactly. Innovation. And they're like, and we're going to do innovation this year. And everyone was like, yes. And I don't know. I don't, I just had such a flash of that. I don't really have a point about that. I guess I wanted to tell

you about the notebooks, but it was just like, it's such, it felt like, I don't know. But, but then the flip of that is that I'm so currently I'm so into into commercials and I love like watching and kind of critiquing and there's a lot of commercials I really like there's commercials I don't like and I don't know if that's because I worked at an ad agency or because when I was in Chicago the main thing I was auditioning for was commercials it's all of that I think so yeah there's something really like commercial like I'm just really fascinated I do the same thing and I always am like someone should pay me a lot of money to just consult them on making their commercials better.

Yes. That one I just saw, I have some notes. What about, do you have any like commercials right now that you're absolutely loving? Absolutely. Well, I mean, I don't know about absolutely loving. But yeah. But I am always deeply impressed by the mayhem commercials on whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes. Because they're just like, it's such a great concept. Perfect casting. Yes. And they're always pretty enjoyable. Are those the ones where it's like, am I confusing it with the ones that are like, don't turn into your parents? Oh, those, and that's another one. Those are so fucking great.

And I actually know from Chicago, Chris Wetaski, who's in those commercials. Yes, who is like the star. He is so funny in those commercials. I find those commercials. I was on his Chicago Party Ant. Oh, yeah, yeah. He does an animated series called Chicago Party Ant. Yes, yes, yeah. And I was a guest on that. Oh, that's great. I does an animated series called Chicago. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And I was a

guest. Oh, that's great. I mean, he is so funny in those commercials. And there's a woman in those commercials who I'm always like, who is the woman? I mean, everyone in that cast who they keep using the same people, good people. That commercial to me is like truly like somebody. I think those commercials are some of my favorites. But again, it's a fantastic concept. Perfect casting. Exactly. And in commercials, you know, you only got to keep people's attention for 30 seconds.

And I'm sure, I mean, like I'm sure just knowing as someone who like used to show up for commercial voiceover auditions And they'd be like, we don't really have a script. Here's the concept. Just go. Which I just after a while, like my agent said, and I did it. And then I told him about it. He's like, you're giving them jokes. And I was like, yeah, I am kind of, aren't I? And he's like, yeah, I said.

And then one time they, he said, if they make you do that again, call me right after. And I called him and he charged them for, he charged them like a thousand bucks. Wow, good. For like a consulting thing. Yeah. You know, and they paid it. Yeah. We're running out of time. So I just want to, because I do want to talk about, I love that for you.

Oh, yes. Because I, and I'm not just blowing smoke. I love the show so. Oh, yes. Because I, and I'm not just blowing smoke. I love the show so much. So much. Because it's like, it's charming and also kind of evil. And, you know, and there's so much like, and there's, you know, like your character is very likable and kind of naive and innocent, but also it's like really kind of a shitty person. Yeah, kind of manipulative. Yeah.

Yeah. And, and it's so good and so specific and there's so many good performances. And I, I had you making, you know, taking lemons and making lemonade out of, you know, out of being sick when you were younger. Yeah. How did that happen? So I, um, so I always wanted to do something about this sort of I don't think it's even really a unique perspective I had. I just

think it's something that isn't talked about that much is like when you go through a difficult experience like cancer or something, it's you it's it's there's a flip side to it where you get like all this attention and it's kind of, and it's kind of fun. And then when people forget that you had that thing, you're kind of like, what happened to my special treatment? Like it's sort of jarring, you know? And so, um, and so I always wanted to do something about, you know, kind of, you know, the, that experience and kind of the, for lack of a better term, like fun of having cancer sort of, and the upside, the fun part. And, um, and it just, it happened. It just kind of came together. My, my friend, Jeremy Beiler, who I used to work with at SNL. And I also really loved watching home shopping when I was a kid. Like I used to

watch it a lot when I was, when I was pretty little, I used to like tape it and stuff. And I just loved the like glamor. I used, I watched so much QVC and I was like, I bought into all, you know, I just was like, I don't have a niece's graduation to go to right now where I can wear this stunning piece,

but I might have one. I don't need any cap at a mom tea. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, so I love that. And then Jeremy also we were just talking and he was also he also really loves home shopping and was thinking of doing. And then it sort of just came together and we realized this would also be a great way to put in this sort of my cancer journey kind of stuff of like, you know, what can I get in exchange for having cancer? And so that's sort of how it all came together. And, you know, it's not completely autobiographical. What a hard word to say, but I guess I nailed it. You nailed it.

But it's not complete, but there's definitely themes like from that time and from my experience. And so, you know, some of it is the, like, the using cancer to sort of get things. And then some of it is also, like, the playing catch up on, like, how do you be an adult and stuff like that. Yeah. And so it's been really such a fun experience and so, like, gratifying to get to be telling that story. Yeah. Yeah. And is it coming back?

I really, I feel very positive about it. We've written the second season. Um, and so we're just waiting for that official. I don't remember where it was. It's at showtime. It's at showtime. So I feel good about it. Like I feel like, um, but also as you know, I'm an optimist, but sometimes optimism yields. Heartbreak. Result. I was going to say the opposite. Oh, I thought you were going towards. Yeah. No, I was saying optimism.

You can sort of will things sometimes, I think. Well, I mean, there is the optimism in that you know you do good work. You know there's other places to do good work. And in terms of why things succeed or fail in show business and probably in other businesses, like your, your talent and the actual sort of quality of the show are number six on the list. Right. You know, there's so many other things that just, and it's usually corporate chicanery, you know, and corporate structuring and somebody, a new person coming in. And why would we elevate the projects of the old regime? Let's just kill all of the former alpha males offspring, you know.

And so you got it. The optimism comes from I did a season of a show that I feel great about, that I get really good. You know, and because I'm like, it's not enough for me to feel great. And like I did some, I need the input. Right. I need to hear that it was good. And I and there's people I believe and there's people I don't believe. Yeah.

So then that's what you take. Totally. Out back into the world. Yeah. But like in terms of, I don't know, for me, like wondering what they're going to do. Yeah. So then that's what you take. Totally. Out back into the world, I think. But like in terms of, I don't know, for me, like wondering what they're going to do. Yeah. And whoever they are, it's just, I can't even begin to think about it. Yeah, totally.

I just wait for the phone to ring and, you know, and. Meanwhile, like while you're waiting, there's so many, there's so many good shows to watch. Yeah. You're celebrating your art by partaking. I watch so much TV. I don't know if anyone watches more TV than me. Yeah, I've actually noticed you have a little one in your lap that you keep running. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're playing something on your phone right now. Yeah, a little one. Always, always kind of. Otherwise, there's not enough hours in the day. That's right. It certainly isn't. Well, what's up next for Vanessa Bair? And I mean, by next, I mean starting today

for the rest of your life. Well, I'm doing my podcast. It comes out once a week, How Did We Get Weird? Yes. With my brother Jonah. So we're continuing to do that and honestly having a blast.

Yeah. Nostalgia, you know. I had fun when I was on. Yeah, you were a great guest. It was a really fun podcast. Thank you. Your episode was like one of our most,

I think it might have been our most popular. It was like. See, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yay. You know, that makes me feel really good. Yeah. It was really, it was really fun having you on. It was great. And then, um, and then I'm continuing to like be my best self. Right. Of course. By watching lots of television. yeah. By really sort of staying out of the flow of things. Sitting by the mainstream and watching it all go by.

Yeah, like just, but no, I, you know, I'm on social media and I post about, you know, my podcast. And I love that for you. And you can still watch, even though it's, you can still watch season one of I Love That For You. So if people think, oh, that's not how TV works, it is. It sure is nowadays. You can still watch it. Yeah. Get with the program, Peeps.

Yeah. It's called streaming. Ever heard of it? Yeah. It's not just for urine anymore. Wow, that was terrible. Sorry, everyone. No, that was funny.

All right, thank you. And sort of full circle because we sort of started. We did, yeah. Talking about shitting our pants. Yeah. Man, we really, it's like a long form improv. Yes, yes. Zip, zap, zap.

Zip, zap, zippity. Well, we always wrap this up by asking people like the what have you learned? So we always wrap this up by asking people like the what have you learned? Like what do you have kind of a, you know, advice you can impart or an overriding philosophy of Bayerism? You know, I guess the advice that I would give to anyone in any field, even though it's like, what do I know about truly being a scientist? Because I gave up on that pretty early. Is just or specifically for the field that I'm in, I guess I'll say, because, again, like there's probably a lot of algorithms and stuff you need to know to do. I don't know.

But I just think the thing is, like, you are the best at being yourself and so whatever job or whatever role or like whatever thing you're trying to do like just remember like the one thing you have going for you that that absolutely nobody else has is like your own unique self and just whether it be writing or performing or whatever that's the thing to like really zero in on is like who are you and what what do you offer that's like unique to you really zero in on is like, who are you and what, what do you offer? That's like unique to you. Do you think that I'm an absolute hack? No, no, not at all.

No, I think that that's, that's like really good, solid advice. This is like when I said, um, LA to, uh, Massachusetts at the beginning. I don't know. I mean, was I supposed to go, wow? No, I just, I couldn't tell if you were like, man. No, I mean, I, frankly, I don't listen very well. So I was just waiting. I was waiting until your mouth stopped moving.

When you're a performer, you go, I got to listen to somebody else performing. No, thank you. The worst. The worst. And it's like the people paid for a show. Why would we waste time with that guy when I'm here? That's exactly right. No, I think that's, I think that's, there's, there's so much truth to that.

And I also think that that certainly with any creative endeavor, I think it's true. But I think it's applicable to if you have social anxiety. Right. Right. Totally. Find you and just kind of work on being that because it does. It does. Like I remember early on and I and every time I've ever been confronted with we're not doing well with fill in the demographic. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and I would say or or like, oh, the the numbers are down, you know, the ratings are down. It's like, what how am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do with that?

How am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do with that? Absolutely. I can't do anything other than, especially the Conan show, where it's just, it's all kind of like silly little chunks of different things that are just, most of them, most of them kind of conceptual, you know, like jokes and goofy little things. Like, how am I supposed to go? I know what will do it. Like, you know, I know what will attract

24 year old females yeah I just but you know I I think I think that you're uh you're you know the lesson that you're imparting to these charlatans that listen to this thing is very sound thank you Andy you are welcome, Vanessa. And thank you for coming on this thing. Thank you for having me. It was a lot of fun, and I appreciate you leaving your home, because I know your TV is probably... Tough to do, yeah.

You just leave it on so that you don't have to wait for it to... All the time, and then I wake back up and I go, where are we at? Where are we at, friends? Oh, hello. Nice. And thank all of you. There was a long um, and then I

finished it. I followed that um up with bye. Thank you all for watching, listening, whatever you're doing to this thing. You're not watching it. And I will be back next week with more three questions. Thank you, Vanessa. Thank you, Andy.

Bye-bye. Bye. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco production. It is produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rob Schulte. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel. Executive produced by Joanna Solitaroff, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross. Executive produced by Joanna Solitaroff, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista with additional booking support from Maddie Ogden.

Research by Alyssa Groff. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts.