The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Vanessa Bayer: Weird Sibling Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

Vanessa Bayer joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear sibling stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share tales of sibling head injuries, Girl Scout troop embezzlement, and a very special call from Andy’s real-life brother!Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Uh, yes. Happy holidays everybody. This is Andy Richter and you have tuned into or just lazily fell into the Andy Richter Collins show. The last one of the year, the last one of 2024. I'm very excited today because I've got Vanessa Baer here with me. Well, I'm thrilled to be here with you, Andy. It's such a good thing to have you here. I often get to see you because you're in the neighborhood

of the Conan studio. Yes, yeah. And you haunt that street. Oh, yes, I feel that I own it. Yes. You're the mayor. I'm the mayor. Of that area.

Yes, 100%. I mean, you can figure it out. If you did some digging, people out there could figure it out. But I'm not going to. But don't dig. That's a weird thing to do. Well, but people are sick and weird. That's right.

That's right. That's why they're here, listening to this. That's 100% right. Yes. So how are you? How's the holidays doing for you? I'm good. The holidays are going well.

I went and saw my family for Thanksgiving in Cleveland. And I saw some family before that in the Bay Area too. So that's been fun. And then I'm just gonna- Is that enough? That's enough of those people? That's quite enough. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm just gonna chill in Los Angeles for Christmas, you know, and Hanukkah, which I believe Hanukkah starts the night of Christmas. I think it does. Which is very fun because presents overlapping etc. What about you? Me? I'm yeah I'm just here and and getting ready for Christmas. I have a little one now. I have a she's gonna be five in February. So that's it's always more fun to have a little kid around. Yeah. And you know and pretty much now with streaming every night is finding a new really shitty Christmas movie. We've

worked our way down the gene pool to like you, strange French ones from eight years ago. And my wife absolutely hates it. She can't, she doesn't have like the, look, you just gotta put it on. And I know it's stupid, but you gotta put it on for them. She'll like be watching something, and my daughter's into it, and she's like 10 minutes in, she goes like, no, no, no, we're not watching this. But I want to, no, no, no, we're not watching this, but I want to, no, no,

something else. And she just sort of barrels through and doesn't let her do it. Is there a family favorite movie? It changes, but now it's My Neighbor Totoro. You know that, the Japanese. I don't know that, but. Studio Ghibli.

It's a Japanese animation studio, and they're like big fantasy, sort of strange Japanese movie. And they do come back to the theaters, and we just went to see it in the theater. Oh, that's so nice. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, that right now, and Oh, great. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, that's that's that right now. And then you go through, you know, the little kids just just sink their teeth into something and make you insane. Yeah, just like they want to watch it over and over again. Yeah. Watching Bluey for three months, which Bluey is so great. Yeah, it's a great show. But after a while, it's like, please, just something else. Something new.

Yes, something else. But then I'm kind of, you know, I'm beaten down, so a lot of it just kind of washes over me. You know, like the rats in a prisoner of war camp, you know, that wash over you. Just washes over you. Exactly. Exactly like that.

It's exactly like that. So we're talking sibling stories today. Yes! And you famously Very, yes. Have a podcast with your brother. Yes, yes, that we've been lucky to have you on. Yes.

Yeah, I have a podcast with my brother called How Did We Get Weird? And we talk about nostalgic stuff, which Jonah and I, that's my brother, it sort of came out of the fact that we would always text each other, like, do you remember this computer game? There was one where there was a castle,

and it was a computer game really early early on and we started looking up if they were still me like out of nowhere like when we have work to do actually individually like things we could be doing with our lives Kings quest oh do you remember Kings no I am NOT I'm Yeah. I was busy doing sports and shit. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, of course, of course. Computer games. No, I actually am probably too old for a lot of that stuff. I mean, because for me, when I was a little kid,

it was really, truly like Pong. That was video games when I was a little kid, was the Atari system, which we didn't even have. And I think the first one we got was Colecovision. And I just never got into it, because I'm not very good at it. Lots of walking into walls and then just sort of, you know, like a car driving into a wall and has no reverse.

That's what I do on video games now because they're so advanced. And you know, my friend, Taron Killam was for a while he was hosting this thing where you would come and you would play horror video games. You know, like they have all these genres of them now which is so crazy. And I'd be just, someone would be coming to kill me

and I'd just be squatting in front of the wall. He'll never see me here. Yeah, Taron would have to take over for me because it's like too pathetic. Those video games, I'm like, this feels like it's in a different language. I just like if I'm a car and I'm racing around a track, that's about as far as I can go.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, those are the ones that sort of like me, like ones that are like, I don't know, you know, like miniature golf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I can understand that. Where it's so simple. Yeah, yeah.

Well, we might as well head to the phones and see what we got going out there this is the Andy Richter Collins show we're live and Vanessa Bayer is here. We want to hear your sibling stories. You can call us at 855-266-2604 and And we might put you on I mean your story story's gotta be good. There's a very high, high quality content demands around this place. I yelled at Vanessa for like 10 minutes before we went on the air.

Because I had a bad story. Yeah, yeah, she was just like, you know. Oh, well wait, do you have a good, like what's the craziest sort of sibling rivalry thing? Did you guys ever do anything really cruel to each other? Well, I feel like my brother will feel bad about this now, but he's two years older than me, so he used to always tell me that our parents

had two more things of love for him. Oh, wow. And I never believed him, but that was his big, and then our mom said, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And so he used to do this bit where he would go like, he'd be like, ha ha ha ha, and I'd be like, what are you laughing at?

And he's like, I can't say it, because it's mean, but I'm thinking it about you. And then he'd be like, ha ha ha ha. So, yeah. Actually, he was pretty, he was pretty good at that stuff. Yeah. It's, as an older sibling, it is really hard to fight the evil that rises up in you. I have a younger brother and sister who are nine years younger than me.

Oh, wow. Because it was my mom's second, we had a different dad, so it was my mom's second marriage. And they're both, are they twins? They're twins. Okay're twins, yeah, yeah. And I was sitting and they were probably four, so that would have made me like 13. And I was sitting on the couch one day and they were running in a circuit

around the whole downstairs, like through the living room, into the laundry room, into the kitchen, then back in the dining room, then through the living room, chasing each other, chasing each other. And they were running right by me every time. And I had this thought like, oh man, if I stuck my foot out, they would wipe out so spectacularly. And they went by like two more times and then I just could not help myself.

And I stuck my foot out and yes they both just fantastically you know bit it and then looked at me with just absolute shock and horror like four year old why the fuck would you do that kind of face and I was like I'm sorry I just I yeah I I don't know why. I'm sorry. Just, just. It stuck with you. Yeah, no, I absolutely remember it. Yeah.

And honestly, I mean, I wouldn't do it now because we're all old and have bad hips and things. Right. But I'm not saying I wouldn't, you know. But I'm sure it was like, you were just like, yeah, I can see how you would want to do that. And then it's like, they were almost like baiting, you know? It's total like dominance in the litter.

Being the dominant one of the litter. It's very animalistic. Yeah. And it's very sort of, and also too, when you're a kid, everybody can tell you what to do. You just get like pushed around. So it's like, oh, look at this. Yeah.

There's somebody younger than me that I can push around. Yeah, it's so nice. Yeah, it's the ugliness of the world distilled down into a family. And the people you'll love for the rest of your life. Just beautiful. All right, let's go to the callers. Matthew, from Atlanta. Yes, hi.

How are you? This is Matthew and my mom. Hi, I'm good. We're big fans of yours. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Hi, I'm good. We're big fans of yours. Oh, thank you Yeah so my little brother is Nine nine he's nine and when he was very little he went through a phase of not wanting to wear clothes

and one of those was Shirt, nothing else ever nothing else and and in his shirt nothing else phase, he was walking around the backyard. He was like one. So like naked from the waist down. Yeah. Yes, that's known, and I didn't think of that. That's Porky Pig in it.

That's what that's. Oh, right. That's right. That's right. That's what that's called. And all the time, he never wore anything. You should try it. it's worth it. You'll see. He had the right idea. And one day he was walking around the backyard naked and he started to poop. And he pooped on the deck and then our labradoodle came out and started eating it.

That's the doodle part. our labradoodle came out and started eating it. Yeah, and Noah was packing up. That's the doodle part. And the dog was having a great time. One of many stories about Noah being naked. Yes. Now he likes to wear clothes and he's very modest. Is he in the car with you now? Yeah, he's in the backseat.

Oh, sorry Noah. You wanna say anything? No, okay, he's in the back seat. Oh, sorry Noah. You want to say anything? No, okay. Matthew, listen. I can't believe we actually, I can't believe we're talking to you because Matthew just like surprised me and said, I got it, we're alive and surprised me. So, oh my gosh. I'm happy, I'm happy that you're happy and and I got to tell you Noah has the right idea right you know when you're out in nature be of nature right right right yeah yeah yeah yeah even though he's a little older now we still do what we call bush whes sometimes, which is a phrase from Bluey. I don't know if you know Bluey.

I do know Bluey. We just spoke of Bluey a little bit ago. Well, but yeah, we love Bluey. And so yeah, the bushwee is still a big thing. Yes. Because we were hiking or something. It's exciting. It's exciting.

Later years, he would run outside to pee. Yeah. Oh yeah, sometimes when he was little, instead of going to the bathroom in the house, like you know, a person, he would run outside to do a bushwee. He would be sitting on my couch and he would yell bushwee and run out to the yard.

Now can you guys explain, I'm so sorry, I'm not as familiar with bushwee. Bushwee is like to pee outdoors, like in the bush. That makes sense. It's pretty self-explanatory. It's Australian, it's Australian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

No, listen, there's plenty of times where I'll go out and if it's nighttime and I take the trash out, which is in the backyard, and on the way back in, I feel like, you know what, I have to pee. There's bushes. Right, right, absolutely. I'm not doing it specifically because Bluey says bush bushes right right I mean that's not I'm not doing it specifically because Bluey says Bush we I mean it's a different right you know but you get the idea yeah and it is it is a lot easier when you're male there's less clothing in the way yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely yeah and it's funny because, he just ran out of the car into the house. Now. He's so modest He cannot believe he ever was that person who is naked all the time And pooping on the deck Well in maybe ten years. He'll become that person again when he goes to college. Yeah I'm the older teenage brother and I embarrass him more than he embarrasses me. Yes. Yeah. Well, that's your job. That's your job. All right. Well, you guys have a have a happy Christmas if that's your thing or a happy Hanukkah if that's your thing and and thanks so much for calling in. Thank you. bye bye. All right, bye bye. Yeah, that's it, you know, pooping. Yeah.

That is one thing when you have kids, and it's also the same thing with dogs, like how much poop there is in life. Right, right, it's a whole. Yeah, because you take your own for granted, and then you're with this creature that it's just all the time. Yeah, just pooping all the time.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sometimes as an adult you go, must be nice. Must be nice, yeah. Must be nice to get that much fiber on the reg. Exactly. Yes. Emily is calling in from Minneapolis. You've got Andy and you've got Vanessa and we're here to hear your sibling story. Hi.

Hi, Emily. Hi. Okay. So mine is kind of a three parter. So bear with me. I'll do it as fast as I can. That's all right. Take your time.

My check cash is the same either way. Well, good. You deserve it. I love this show. Thank you. But anyway, yeah. So I have two younger brothers and this is the one that's like closest in age to me.

And so when we were younger, we, and this is probably like, we were like five or something, five years old We had this thing called the pushing game So we just push each other like push each other down and like ha ha ha so fun and then one time I pushed him into a TV stand and he hit his head on the edge of the TV stand and Cracked his head open was bleeding, had to go and get stitches and I you know saw he was gonna die it was you know very scary for me probably

way scarier for him but that ended the pushing game and then a few years later we were still pretty young but we both had bedrooms like upstairs with a shared bathroom and He was yelling for me from the bathroom So I get out of bed It's like the middle of the night and I walk and I see like from his bedroom to the bathroom There's like little like spots of poop like like a trail of poop leading to the bathroom. And then so I'm like, okay. Carpet or hardwood? The lights are off and the... It was carpet. Yeah. I step into the bathroom and I wasn't

looking at where I stepped. And I remember this perfectly because it was the first time I ever said, Oh, I stepped in shit. And I was like, Whoa, I said the word shit. And then it's a very pivotal moment for me. Um, but my parents, you know, like they found out and, uh, he got put in the bathtub. My mom was like washing them off and then he falls and cracks his head open in the bathroom Oh my god, and the ambulance comes when you find a gimmick you stick with it It gets better Can I just clarify so what happened so he was he was playing a prank on you where he? Where he poop he put his poop

in the hallway in like a trail? My misunderstanding. No, he was like legit sick. He was like super sick where like he just like didn't, he like couldn't make it to the toilet in time. I see, okay, okay. Yeah, so then that's why then he had to get like washed off, yeah.

I mean it's sad I guess. Okay, I'm sorry that I went right to prank. Everything's fine, prank. Yeah, I mean it's sad I guess. Okay, I'm sorry that I went right to prank. Pranking, yeah, yeah. Right. Well that's because you've never lost control of your bowels. That's right. You're known for your incredible iron will. That's right. Lucky you Vanessa. Yes, lucky, lucky Vanessa.

Thank you so much. Yeah, I don't even understand what that's like. Okay. Please, go ahead. I'm sorry. Oh, it's all good. Okay, so then now we're like in like early teenage years and I actually was not there for this, but of course I heard about it.

And so we had a minivan, my mom drove a minivan and the minivan had one of those doors that, you know, it's like opens and it sticks, like when it's fully open and my brother thought it would be a great idea to like kind of like surf on the side of the van, like as my mom was like parking. And of course, like once that door gets like enough, like velocity, it's gonna slam shut

and nobody thought about that. But like my brother's like, you know, surfing the van, like thinking he's cool. And then my mom stops the van and the door slams into his head and he cracks his head open for the third time. And we's stitches. Wow.

So that is my brother and his cracked head. How old is he now? He's 36. Wow. So now he's gone a long time with that doing it. As far as I know, but he had a motorcycle for a while. No. So I don't know.

There could be. Oh, boy. Well, he honestly knows what his skull can withstand at this point. Yeah, he's recovered so well from this happening three times. He got a degree. Yeah, in phrenology. I do love that there's the phrase crack your head open,

because that's absolutely, I cracked my head open as a kid. And I think you're not really, it sounds like an egg shell, you know, like the actual skull is cracking open, but it's really just like a gash, and they are fantastic bleeders. Can I ask, this might be a dumb medical question, but do you know if your brother, like basically the crack happened in the same spot?

Like did it reopen or is there any way to- Oh, like Rick Flair. Is that what happened to Rick Flair? No, it's like when wrestlers, they call it blading, you know, they cut their head open to make blood. They have like little bits of razor that they doading. You know, they cut their head open to make blood. They have like little bits of razor. Oh. That they do just, you know, they'll like cut a little slice in your head.

And because they're sweating, the blood flows really well. And the old pros, after a while, and you can see in later clips with Bill Irwin, with Rick Flair, all he has to do is slap his head. And it starts to bleed. And it opens it up and it starts to bleed again. So did your brother have that Emily? You know I don't know if it was the same place honestly but it's funny you're just talking about Ric Flair because my youngest brother is obsessed with wrestling and so he probably

knows about all the crack heads. Yeah absolutely. All the wrestlers. Sure sure. So, it's just, you know, I have a family of people who like head wounds, I suppose. Yeah. My mom said, when I was little, I was in a high chair and I was rocking back,

putting my feet on the table and rocking back, and I hit my head on the bookshelf behind me. It cracked my head open. I'm making air quotes for those of you at home. And my mom said it was, my soft spot hadn't quite healed and that it had opened up like the flesh above my soft spot. Oh my God.

And she was like, you know, she was like, I could have probably, you know, like, I just, I didn't look, but she goes, I bet I could have seen your brain. And I felt like, I don't think you could have seen my brain, mom. No, that's not how a head works. There's a whole skull, come on.

Yeah, and there's like some kind of lining. There's other stuff. There's other linings and stuff in there. Right, right, right. There's just like, there's felt. Yes! Or asbestos. There's something in there, yeah.

Between skull and brain. Yeah, there's a filler, come on. There's gotta be., yeah. Between skull and brain. Yeah, there's a filler. Sure, there's gotta be. Like memory foam or something. Yes, exactly. Cushioning. I'm so stressed out. Oh, listen, it happens.

But I'm glad that your brother's okay. And it is, people say three's a charm. And skulls are among, especially, I think it's your frontal bone, the one in front, that's the hardest bone in your body. Oh, wow, that's good. Yeah, the skull is very, you know, I mean, I wouldn't test it, I mean, not like your brother did.

And I hope that your brother's having a lot of collagen powder and stuff, like to kind of really strengthen those bones. Exactly, yes. I hope he isn't, you know, like, you know. On a low protein diet. Or just ends up being like an NFL lineman who never got the appreciation for the money

that they get for that. He played hockey, but I think he's doing all right. He has a job. He's employed. I just got a job. He plays hockey, he has a motorcycle. I'm worried for him, but. Oh, well. Well, Emily, you have a good holiday.

Yes. Thank you. And Vanessa, I love you. You're awesome. And I just watched the first episode of I Think You Should Leave Again. And it's my favorite, favorite scene. Oh, thanks so much, Emily. That's so nice.

Thank you both. Happy holidays. Bye-bye. Thank you, Emily. Thank you, Emily. Thank you, Emily. That is, if you don't know that scene, the sketch that Vanessa's in, and I think you should leave, it's really... That's so nice, Andy. It's, no, I mean, I've watched it a thousand times.

Well, I don't know if it's because it's like the most recent sketch I've ever done because I left SNL like seven years ago I think but I was you know I was on SNL for seven years and the sketch that gets brought up to me the most is the one sketch I did on I think you should leave which I'm was so fun doing that with Tim and Zack I mean they're so funny I was happy I got to do it but it is funny that that's people's memories are very short they're very short I mean I'm you're probably experiencing it you know it's like it's like unless you're in front of them every day right right right they don't hold on to it they've

got lives to lead everyone's got lives but no but I'm also and I also I'm always happy when people bring it up because it was so fun they just kept I was I'm looking at a cell phone and they just keep putting more stuff into the cell phone for me to say. Oh really, they were texting you to you live? At first I was trying to remember it and then they were like, we'll just put it in the phone and you can,

and they just kept making more stuff up on the fly. And so I just kept reading it. Is there a blooper reel, a director's cut with Hall and Max? I'm sure. I'm sure there's gotta be somewhere me just let, cause a lot of times it would surprise me what they had written. Right, right, right. Yeah, we did, there's gotta be somewhere me just let, cause a lot of times it would surprise me what they had written. Right, right, right.

Yeah, we did, there's a bit that I get noted for a lot. A guy, one of the Conan writers named Andre Dubuchet wrote this hilarious bit that was just me as a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, putting fuck into everything. Like, you know, like there's like, I'll solve, Pat. And then I go, Dwayne the fuck Johnson. And it's, it was, and I saw the bit and like,

I didn't even have to read into it. Like, oh my God, what a gift. This is so good. But the one, and cause we did so many of them. And the one that I don't, and I'm not, I don't break. Like I don't laugh a lot in things. And I had so much trouble getting through. And it was my favorite one, and it didn't make it.

Denzel fuckington. Just because it was so ridiculous. So ridiculous. Why would anyone think that? Denzel fuckington. That's so funny. That's so funny. That's so funny. But yeah, that's a good one.

Check that out. We'll wait until 2 o'clock. Right, exactly. Before you go on YouTube and start. We never crossed over. Well, I guess I was only an intern one summer at Conan. But you weren't there when I was there. Yeah, because it was after 2000, right?

Yeah, it was 2003. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because it was after 2000, right? Yeah, it was 2003. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I had been gone for that. I'd been gone for three years at that point. And then I came crawling back in 2009. I'm sorry I missed you. Oh, yeah, I know.

You would have found that I was the nice one. I'm sure. I mean, you probably think everyone else was nice, but I'm so nice. Just ask these fuckers in the booth, right guys? Look at them. Oh my God, they're nodding so nervously. Yeah, that would have been fun.

That would have been fun. I had a great time. Did you like it? I did like it a lot. I remember, you know, at that time you didn't have to pay interns, now you do. Yeah. And I get it's experience. No, they should to pay interns, now you do. I get its experience.

Yeah, no they should. I mean, they just should. Yeah, but I remember I got a check to reimburse me for my subway fare and it had NBC on it and I was so excited. I made a bunch of copies of it. I think my dad kept one and framed it or something. It was so exciting.

That's great. Yeah, it was so fun to be there. Actually mean, actually being at the show was really fun too, not just the one paycheck for the reimbursement, but it was so fun. It was cool to see how the show worked and everything. One thing we always, that was a great policy was having people come sit and watch rehearsal. Cause we wanted to get an audience reaction.

So that was one thing. Cause a lot of shows didn't do that. Like if you were an intern, it wouldn't be like, go down and watch rehearsal now. Yeah. And it also got me to move to Chicago after college because a lot of the writers were like, this is where I started.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a very Chicago, Boston split. And like improv standup. Yeah. Among the writers very Chicago Boston split. And like improv standup among the writers on The Collins Show. Yes, totally, totally. So, all right, let's go back to the calls. Okay. This is the Andy Richter Collins Show.

Give us a call at 855-266-2604. Vanessa Bayer and I are here to take your sibling stories. Next up, we got Maura from Missouri. Lovely alliteration there. Hello. Hi Maura. Hello. How are you?

I love you both so much. Oh thank you. We love you. I'm so excited. We love you. You're the one that's done the real effort getting here. That's right. Yeah.

We were just sitting here. You had to dial up. I listen all the time and the subject was siblings and I'm like, oh, I got this. Oh, good. Good, good. It's very similar to the last story, but I was, I'm an eighties kid

and I was on the phone with my friends and my sister was just being hateful because that's what sisters do. And she started pouring salt and pepper on my head while I was on the phone to my friend. And I'm like, bitch. And so I shoved her and she flew. She landed on a chair with her foot

that was one of those old 80s rolling chairs and flew into our buffet table and lost consciousness. Oh my God. Oh my God. My mom, my poor sweet single mom who was a night nurse, she was already at the hospital. I called 911 and I told them and everyone knew who we were because my mom was the head of the hospital Are you dibs kids like yes, we're Deb's kids

No, and so they told her so she hopped her ass on the ambulance and came with them So I'm sitting there freaking out, my sister is giggling and I'm like, oh no, this is a head injury. So they got my sister loaded up and like my mom flew out of the ambulance. She was like, what are you guys doing? And I'm like, nothing.

She salt and peppered my head. It's not my fault. So how long was your sister, had she lost consciousness for? Yeah, that was my next question. Oh, no. She was like out, and she was asleep for like six seconds and then woke up laughing.

And then I'm like, oh, I'm going to die. My mom's going to kill me. Oh, that's great. But my mom, she's just like, she had to get staples in her head and my mom insisted on doing the staples herself. Wow. Wow. So she was just, she was pissed.

She was pissed or did she, you know, it's probably mostly because the people at work found out. I'm really glad that there were witnesses because she would have beat my ass. Oh, wow. Oh my God. because she would have beat my ass. Oh wow. Oh my god. She really would have. Everyone around her was everybody that I've grown up with my whole life, all the paramedics,

all the nurses, all the EMTs and stuff. So luckily I had witnesses and I'm like, you can't hurt me. There's witnesses. Yeah. Now I'd like to back up a little. When you say she was pouring salt and pepper on your head, was she like opening the salt and pepper shakers and pouring it on there, or was she like sprinkling it

on your head like you would on food? Right. Like you were a boiled egg. Sprinkling. Like pepper, salt and pepper, they just have holes in it. The shakers. Just using the shakers. OK, OK, OK.

So you're going to the, you're getting in the ambulance with just like kind of a little bit of a seasoning in your hair. Yeah. Oh, I was ready for Thanksgiving at that point. Like. Got a little old bay in there too. Why not?

There was a bay leaf behind my ear, like a cigarette. It was not good. You know, I, it is funny because when you do something, like for your sibling to lose consciousness is Horror but the horror is so funny as a kid because like I remember my brother It I won't go into the D shells but like I I fell and hit my head on the ice back based on him and As he was getting me everyone don't tell mom'm being like, don't tell mom, don't tell mom, don't tell mom. And it's like, I had a goose egg the size of like a walnut

in the middle of my forehead. Oh my God. Don't tell mom. Like, I think she's going to notice. There used to be plastic insulated cups where they had like a layer of air in between them. Yeah. I was walking through my house and my sister

chucked one at my head and I lost consciousness. Oh wow! Oh my god! There wasn't a gash so she did not get in as much trouble as I did because I did not incur hospital bills. Wow! Wow! Yeah!

Yeah, next time you gotta get thinner skin, get that attention. Yeah. Or I don't know, there's something about your family they get knocked out too easily. I know that's just a couple of occasions. All right all right I'm sorry I'm sorry I just thought Missouri folks were hardier. Oh we're from Texas. Oh that explains it. Oh right those thin-sk thin skull Texans. All right, Morra. Happy holidays and thanks for calling in. Thanks. It's nice to meet you, Morra.

So nice. Thank you. Bye bye. All righty. Bye bye. Next we've got Adeline. Adeline, are you there? Andy, I'm here. Is it Adeline? Is it Adeline or Adeline? Adeline. Adeline are you there? Andy I'm here. Is it Adeline or Adeline? Adeline. Hello. Hello. How are you both? We're good.

Good. Wow. I feel like I'm calling into Headcrackers support group. I know. It's really been quite violent. Don't forget the poop. Poop and Headcrackers. Oh I know. I came in with the poop story and I was like, oh, thank God I'm not talking about poop. Ha ha ha. It is. It's a very common theme.

There's man versus nature, man versus man, and poop. No, I figured I'd enlighten you guys about my sister embezzling $400 worth of cookies and money from my daughter's Girl Scout troop. What? This is so I'm so excited to hear this Wow It takes like a whole nother level of special there's there's a cuz there was a You know, there's a note next to your name Girl Scout embezzlement. I was assuming that it would be by a Girl Scout, not like an adult.

Yeah, I actually, as it sunk in what you just said, I am excited, but also again, just like I was with the head cracking scared. Yeah. Well, go ahead. Let us have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll let you explain it. And I hope that somebody from Netflix is listening because this is a three-parter.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll help you write it. I'm holding out for Tooby, OK? OK. Yeah, this is just one of those situations where I grew up in the same household with the same parents as this person, and yet we couldn't be more different.

And it's just like, holy hell. And this was the cherry on top of everything, which made me write her off completely with this little stunt. Wow. Wow. So how did it happen? All right, I've got a daughter

and my daughter was, I believe, seven or eight years old at this time. And one of her best friends at school, mom, was gonna be the Girl Scouts troop leader. And I knew that was gonna be a riot. So I allowed my daughter to join this troop just because I was friends with the other mom. And sure enough it was cookie season and that's what the Girl Scouts live for you know. Of course.

So we made it a point to ask everybody that we knew if they wanted to order cookies. And my sister, oh my God, she was working at a bank and she was like, I'm gonna ask all my coworkers if they want cookies too. So she did, she asked like a handful of coworkers. She wrapped up a total of about, like I said, $400 total with her, she ordered $150 herself, okay, problems. She ordered $150 herself, okay, problems.

But then the rest of the total was from coworkers. Well, she drove out on cookie day to pick up this massive order of cookies from me. And she wrote me a personal check from her for the total amount of what was due for all these cookies. So she took the cash from her co-workers and then just wrote me a check to the Girl Scout Troop for the total. And kited it, I take it. It bounced. And what? It bounced. No, no, no. Worse, worse than that. Couple days later I get a notification on my phone and it's

a picture message from my daughter's Girl Scout troop leader and it says what the fuck and I'm like oh so I open it and it's a picture of the check and it says stop payment on it my dumb bitch sister called the bank and told them to stop the payment on the check like a dumb bitch after she took the cookies and all of everyone's money. Wow. Wow. Isn't that impressive? Wow. And did you talk to her about it then? Oh honey, I called her and I was like, listen dude, I'm like, you want to explain this to me? And she tried to lie her ass off and say that it bounced and she didn't know what happened. And I said, bullshit, you want to explain this to me? And she tried to lie her ass off and say that it bounced

and she didn't know what happened. And I said, bullshit, you idiot. I wasn't born yesterday. I know for a fact that you had to call the bank and tell them to stop payment on that Cacu piece of shit. Then I called my mom and I was like, say goodbye to your daughter because it's done. We're done here.

Wow. Now, was she a scammer? Like, had she done stuff like that before? Oh, yeah. She was notorious for doing terrible things. Like, she would steal money out of my dad's wallet all the time. Yeah. So my dad wasn't home. Like, he went on vacation one time, and she stole the key to his house

and went to her Meyers and made a copy of the key so that she could go to his house and party when he wasn't there. But I was getting blamed for all this crap, all this terrible shit that she's done. I've gotten blamed for. Can I ask? I have a question. This is just one detail that I'm curious about, because it's interesting that she works at a bank and yet she has these habits. Do you think that she gave the cookies that people ordered? I know they weren't paid for, like no one paid for them, but do you think she distributed the cookies to her co-workers just out of like trying to

not seem like a... you know what I mean? Like I think she... Yeah, I'm sure she probably did, but I mean knowing her she probably did other meticulous things and then turned it around on me. Right. I know that I did have some of their some of her co-workers information though from ordering and I know for a fact that I did email or text message a few of them and said listen if you gave Molly cash for these cookies get it back. Wow yeah. I tried to wrap her out but So I didn't try to rat her out, but yeah, I haven't spoken to her since. I was like, we're done here, we're done.

Like who does that? That, no, nobody does that. That's, well, and it's, to me, I mean, just knowing dumb-dumbs, just to think, she must have spent the cash. And then after she spent the cash, she was like, she was like, wait a minute, I don't wanna now have to give my money for those cookies.

Fuck this, let somebody else handle it. Yeah, and you know who ended up having to handle it? Our dad, my dad had to bail her ass out of that. Oh wow. And I told her, I was like, listen, you have to have that money back to our dad by this time or me and my attorney will take your ass to court and sue you for the Girl Scouts of America this is bullshit. Now are you still living in the

same town as your sister do your paths cross ever? Um we live in the same state still but I've made it abundantly clear to both of my parents like I will never be around her again unless you know something badantly clear to both of my parents, like I will never be around her again unless something bad's gonna happen to her with my bare hands. Wow. Okay. And she's never made an attempt to, at a reproach mode. Oh, she knows better.

Wow. She knows better. Do you think your daughter overall had a good time with the Girl Scouts though? Yeah, she did because any opportunity that she gets to have extracur, extra-curricular activity with her friends outside of school is a blast. Yeah, that's great. Well, we ended on a positive note.

Yeah. Yeah. But sorry that happened. Yeah, sorry Adeline. What state are you from, by the way? I'm just curious. I'm in Michigan. I knew it.

You knew it. I wrote a note here to Vanessa and I said I'm in Michigan. I knew it. You knew it. I wrote a note here to Vanessa and I said Wisconsin or Michigan. Yes. Because of accent. Oh, yeah. A little bit. I'm from Ohio and we're very similar.

Yeah, it's all very similar. Oh, you poor woman. I live in Ohio. You poor woman. They're not nice airmen. That's Ohio pity. I've never experienced that. I have. I was there for Halloween at Cedar Point and I got sit on and called the C word in line. Oh my god. Well, I would recommend not, Cedar Point does not stand for all of Ohio, but I do hear you

Legal in Ohio yet, you know, I don't I think maybe I don't think it is recreationally I might be wrong But I'm always worried to fly there with it Very happy right now. Yeah. Well Adeline, thank you so much for calling. Thank you Adeline. And have a happy holidays. You as well. Okay. Don't order Girl Scout cookies. All right. I won't. Got it. All right. Now this is, this is Vanessa, we have a special treat. Oh. I got a message. This is my brother.

Oh my God. My brother, Vic. Which, by the way, I have to mention because this is something, my brother's name is Victor, and it wasn't until I was working at the Conan Show, and he had been there a few times that somebody said, your brother's name is Victor Richter? And I was like, oh no, no, we have different fathers.

So he has a different last name. Good to know. Which I'm not gonna say, Vic, on the radio cause I don't want you to be hounded by stalkers. Hi. Hi, turn down that radio. Oh, sorry. So. Oh boy.

I can't. This is as after I said yes to you coming on, I was like, oh my God, there's so much shit he could say that would be so embarrassing. Oh my God. And he's probably going to say it all. Yeah. But you know, whatever. Most of my life was spent as a prop for an older brother that turned into a comedian.

Right. You know, when I was... You use what's at hand. When I was two years old, yeah, when I was two years old, I was covered in orange marker on my front. It said Mr. Sexpot America on the back was something I don't even remember. I don't remember either. But it was pretty gross. I don't remember either.

There's photos. Got it. Yeah, but there's pictures. We had a fake eyeball one time, and I was his, he was going to do a magic trick where he pretended to suck my eyeball out of my eye, and then he showed my eyeball in his mouth,

which was the fake eyeball, and I pretended like my eye was out of my head. We did a family dinner. See, but that's not against your will. There you are willing to accomplish. You were like a magician's assistant. That's a rock solid bit. That is, that's really funny.

For both of you had to perform in that. Yes, exactly. We had to sell it. Right. And then my sister. We had to sell it. Right. And then my sister probably got the worst of it. I have a twin sister and she had Barbie dolls and he cut up her Barbie doll and put it in the fridge on a plate with a bunch of ketchup and then asked her to go get something out of the fridge.

Oh my God. When she opened the door she saw the Barbie doll. And then my mom made him go get another Barbie doll for her. And when he went to, he took it out of the box. And when he went to hand it to her, he pulled it back and bit the head off. She gave it to her. She just busted out crying about it, but she wasn't upset.

She was just more angry than anything. Because when I was crying about it, but she wasn't upset. She was just, that was angry than anything. Because when I was thinking about this, I thought about the Barbie thing. Yeah. Because there are things that I've done that, like that does have a little hint of future serial killer to it. I was gonna say something.

Just to skosh, I never tortured animals. Right. But you know, sight gags, sucking eyeballs out. Yeah. That's, you know, but sight gags, sucking eyeballs out. Yeah. That's, you know, that's, that's right, right in the sweet spot of whatever 11 year old you are. Right. But I do remember, and I knew, I knew if I chopped up her Barbie, I knew that she would, like she would make a fuss, but I knew that it would be right up her alley too Yeah, and I saw and I was watching as she opened the fridge and The first thing she did was like went

Like laughed. Yeah, and then turned and saw me looking and then started the crying. Yeah, so she really did enjoy it Yeah, I mean that's that's what that's what men always say when women don't like something She really did it. She was fine with it, I swear. That was her performance too on her part. Yes, right, exactly. You guys understood, you know? That, you knew it would be,

she would think it was funny, but you also knew that she was gonna not let you know that. She would have to cry, because that would be, yeah, yeah, she'd have to keep up the bit. Yeah. You know. That's when my brother used to make fun of me and stuff, I would usually laugh and then I'd sometimes try

to punish him by acting really upset and then he'd start feeling bad. Nice, nice. Mostly I was like, that's a good good bit you know. Yeah, yeah. Well Vic, how's things in Illinois? It's cold finally so yeah I just wanted to fall in and I sent my submission I was gonna try to surprise you but growing up with you as a brother was wonderful. It was always fun. What do you do Vic?

I'm a high school teacher. Oh wow! That's so great! Currently a bowling coach. The sweetest check he's ever made. Yes, nice! He watches girls bowl and then drives the van back to school. That's the dream, you know, that's great. That's, it's not a bad gig. Yeah.

Yeah. So. Vic, were you, when Andy started being like on Conan and stuff, were you so excited? I'm sorry to ask, I just love hearings. That's okay, I was. No, I was, I was, you know, when he did theater in Chicago, Yeah. At the Annoyance Theater, I was the, you know, when he did theater in Chicago,

at the Annoyance Theater, that was always fun to see. And we got to see things that we weren't really supposed to see because we were younger, like Anne Rand gives me a boner. Right, right, right. That was a show we did. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it was great to see. And then all of the people that he did improv with were just great to us, too I went into the Navy after high school and

our other brother and Dave Kackner and Kevin Dorff and Some other people all took me out like the weekend before I went to the Navy You know, it was just and... And poured liquor down it. Just poured liquor down it. Yeah, no. But I wasn't able to do it because I think I was in New York and I wasn't able to sort of send him off on the Navy. And I would not have done as debauched a sendoff as they did.

So he probably, he got more fun out of it. And those guys were so, I mean, I was in Chicago. Those guys were so beloved. Oh, they're hilarious. Just the best. They were mean, I was in Chicago, those guys were so beloved and so, they were like the biggest guys in Chicago. That's so, it must've been, wow, that's so nice. Yeah. That's great.

It was great. Yeah. Well, I gotta move on, but thank you for calling. I love you and thanks for calling. And I'll be talking to you Friday. It's his birthday. Oh my God, happy almost, oh right, it's both of their birthdays.

Yeah, big birthday coming up right before that. How does that, and I know we're saying goodbye, but do you have any, is it positive or negative to be so close to Christmas? It's a negative. Okay. Yeah. It's not fun.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Take it from me. They've gotten plenty of like, well, here's a, I spend a little on the more and the birthday. This for both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. All right.

Bye, bye. All right, bye. I'll talk to you Friday. Bye. Nice to meet you. All right. Well, that was fun. That was so fun. That was fun.

Thanks for calling in, Vic. Next up on the Andy Richter Call-In Show, there's no reason to give the number, we're almost done. We've got Abby from Los Angeles. Yay, I made it. Hi, Abby. How are you guys? I'm glad you made it.

Hi. My brother jumped the line, so I'm sorry. No, Abby! How are you guys? I'm glad you made it. Hi! My brother jumped the line, so I'm sorry. No, a nepo. Yeah, total nepo caller. Total nepo caller. Well, I have a delightful holiday tale of when I told my little sister there was no Santa Claus and she did not want to know.

She didn't know what I was gonna tell her but I was terrible at secrets and I I said I have something to tell you she was oh no no no no and we shared a room so she couldn't get away from me I was and she was seven so I said I used my kid logic I'll tell you what I'm gonna tell you the secret but I'm gonna scream it into my pillow so maybe you won't understand what I'm saying. And flawless, right? So I did, I screamed into my pillow,

there's no Santa Claus, it's mom and dad. The whole thing is mom and dad, it's a lie. Wow, you gave a whole paragraph. It's a whole lie. It's the first of many of many disillusionments you will experience. Yep, I cracked that bubble for her. So yeah, and she didn't hear me and she cried a lot and I'd like to say she got over it, but she still hasn't forgiven me and we're both in our 60s now. Wow. So, Merry Christmas.

I remember my 19 year old daughter believed in Santa for a long, long time. Yeah. And we never, you know, of course didn't try to, you know, dissuade her from believing, but there was one, there was like Easter, it was an Easter, and she was, I think she was maybe nine-ish, you know, like eight or nine, like kind of, you know, I was, we were surprised that nobody had burst the bubble yet, but she said to me,

she said, Dad, you know what? And I was like, what? She goes like, I don't think the Easter bunny's real. She's like, I think it's parents. And she's like, is it? And I said, mm, I said, yeah, it is. It's parents. She said, and it was like, for her,

it was like a whole logical thing, like, why would a rabbit bring candy? Like, that was like, she was just like, that doesn't make any sense. Yeah. And then, like, she was just like, that doesn't make any sense. Yeah. And then like there was a beat and then she said, she said to me, well, but is Santa real? Like looking me dead in the eye

and I just could not lie to her. Yeah. And I was like, no, honey, I'm sorry. It's the same. It's, you know, there's no Santa. And she fucking flipped out. I was kind of hoping it would be like a, like we'd already gotten over the Easter bunny hunt you know, there's no Santa and she fucking flipped out. I was kind of hoping it would be like a,

like we'd already gotten over the Easter bunny hump. Yeah. And I was just kind of was like, oh my God, you know? But I could not lie to her face. Yeah. It's like when a kid asks you a direct question like that, it's, you know. Yeah.

Although my youngest daughter, we just had a dog that passed away and that was a big you know like the concept of death which I actually looked up you know like when these things happen you go to the internet like what's a normal how do I tell my child about this and four-year olds like that is an age that they commonly get the concept of death and start thinking about death and talking about death. And they can be really obsessed with it.

And we were driving home from ballet class and she started talking about the dog and dying. And then she said like, and I had said, I said, yeah, I said, everything that's alive dies. I said, it's just, everything has a lifespan and it dies. And she's like, well said, yeah, I said, everything that's alive dies. I said, it's just, it's, everything has a lifespan and it dies. And she's like, well, is mommy gonna die? Am I gonna die?

And I was like, oh my God. What the fuck do I, and I was like, well, I mean, everything died. And she's like, starts crying. And I was like, no, no, no, you'll be a very old lady before you die, don't worry about that. And then like, look there, look, there's a pink car. Like just like that one. I could not like just, you know, go like, yeah,

you're going to die. You're going to just like, just like everybody else, honey. You're going to be molding in the grave. First do no harm, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like when a little kid said when a you know four-year-old is like am I gonna die like mmm no no no you'll never you're the first one ever all right yeah all right Abby thank you so much do we have time for one more guys yeah yeah we got one more caller in the queue. I don't wanna leave him hanging. Derek from Georgia.

Hey, y'all. Hey, Derek, how are you? Hey. I am good. I know you got a hard stop at five, so. No, it's not. It's sort of a squishy stop, but you know. I mean, it's Conan O'Brien Radio. It's not like it's, I don't know, Radio Classics.

Right. This is an NPR we're talking about O'Brien Radio. It's not like it's, I don't know, radio classics. Right. This is an NPR we're talking about. Right, exactly. So I'm the youngest of three. But my brother and I, there's a 10-year age difference. Because I was a boy, we had to share a room. Yeah. OK.

So that meant stuff on the wall. It's like there's a Mickey Mouse macrame next to a lady in a bikini on a Ferrari. We had to both have our decorations in the room. But by the time we got to, he was 15, 16. I was maybe five or six. My parents were like, okay, you can babysit. They're gonna let him babysit me.

We gotta go to this Oak Ridge Boys concert or whatever it was that they were going to. And we had a big fireplace, we had a fire going. And he was poking around there with, we had a poker with a curse of L for our last name. And he was poking around in there and it was all hot. And he was like, oh, I could brand you with this. Oh, God. Of course, he's like, ooh, I could brand you with this. Oh, God.

Of course, he's kidding, but I'm freaking out. He's like, well, I can take this a step further. So he straddled me with this hot poker and he's like, I could brand you right on the face. And he doesn't mean to, but I'm kind of thrashing around and in the midst of it, it hits me right on the cheek and it brands my face with this cursive L. Was it really was did it really could you really tell that it was like a Laverne and Shirley L you know? It was an L yeah. Wow. For sure. Thankfully, it did not stay.

It didn't scar. How long did it last for? It was probably like a week maybe before it finally kind of went down. Wow. But my parents came home. He's like, I didn't mean to do it. He was thrashing around.

It was kind of your fault. He was. Well, it probably was my fault. Yeah, it was was my fault. He also broke my leg when I was 8 months old, but that was not his fault either technically. Do you remember his reaction when it hit your face? Oh yeah, he freaked out for sure. He didn't mean to do it. But He didn't mean mean to do it. Right. But now, do you think the freak out like it was because he was concerned for your well-being and your possible scarring?

It was his well-being. Yeah, exactly. It is kids are so self. Anytime you hurt a sibling, it's like, oh shit, I'm in trouble. Yeah. Oh shit, I just wounded my loved one. Yeah. Yeah kids. Yeah and it's like the parents come home you know from the Oak Ridge Boys concert feeling great and then they gotta deal with that. You can't not feel great.

When you after you've heard Elvira as you know as the encore. Oh my gosh. And opener. Yeah. know as the encore and opener. All right Derek well thank you so much for calling in and happy holidays. Thank you, happy holidays to y'all thank you so much. All right well Vanessa thank you so much. This has been really a lot of fun. This has been so fun I've got a lot of anxiety about all this. You know something I've taken away from this is that my brother and I did not physically fight at all. And I feel so blessed. My older brother and I did more physical fights. Well, the thing I'm struck by with my kids, both my two older kids and my, is like, I feel like we were in the emergency room

every month, like all the time with different things. And my son had one asthma attack, and that was it for the emergency room, I think. Exactly. Well, there's also all those memes and things about 80s kids just being like the things. We would just ride down our staircase on a pillow. We would do all this stuff and just slam into the closet

at the bottom of the stairs. We just, like we just did a lot of stuff. Fall out of trees and stuff, yeah. Well, we normally pick a favorite and I'm gonna pick my brother, but I think, you know, that's just, you know, that's playing favorites literally. Yes. But I also think that embezzling girl scout.

That was wild. That's crazy. But also the girl whose brother cracked his head open three times. Yes. So glad he's okay. As story devices go, threes are very popular. Threes are. Yeah. She knew what she was doing.

She had a good story. Let me get some plugs for you. You can find your show, How Did We Get Weird, that you do with your brother Jonah, wherever you get your podcasts. Yes. And you can see her in I Love That For You on Showtime, which was pulled. Thank you. That was a fucking awesome show on Showtime. I think you have to go to like iTunes now or something to watch. I'm not sure where you find it. It's worth it. It's so great. Thank you. And the Netflix film Ibiza. Yes. And check out the I think you should leave thing

and hang out in the Hollywoodish neighborhood of LA. That's right. That's right. You might see me walking around. Holding court. Holding court. Yeah. All right.

Well, happy holidays, everybody. I'll be back in a couple of weeks. I really have had fun doing this and I wish you all a very happy new year, and we're going to have a lot more fun next year. Yes. Thanks for watching!