The Tim Ferriss Show - #265: Bill Burr — The Comedian's Comedian

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

This episode of the podcast features Bill Burr (@billburr). Many of you know Bill as a standup comedian. I know him as one of the funniest humans alive, and someone that many of you requested for years. Rolling Stone called Bill “the undisputed heavyweight champ of rage-fueled humor,” and when we were finally able to talk, he did not disappoint. In this wide-ranging conversation we explore: How Bill found his way into standup comedy Why he enjoys going for an encore after he’s been booed The transformation from a “squeaky clean” comedian to offending everyone How learning can serve as powerful therapy The importance of enjoying success And much, much more This interview comes from my television show Fear(less), where I interview world-class performers on stage about how they’ve overcome doubt, conquered fear, and made their toughest decisions. You can watch the entire first episode with illusionist David Blaine for free at att.net/fearless. (To watch all episodes, please visit [directv.com] DIRECTV NOW). We recorded three hours of material and only one hour was used for the TV show. This podcast episode is almost entirely new content that didn’t appear on TV. Please enjoy this hilarious conversation with Bill Burr. This podcast is brought to you by FreshBooks. FreshBooks is the #1 cloud bookkeeping software, which is used by a ton of the start-ups I advise and many of the contractors I work with. It is the easiest way to send invoices, get paid, track your time, and track your clients. FreshBooks tells you when your clients have viewed your invoices, helps you customize your invoices, track your hours, automatically organize your receipts, have late payment reminders sent automatically and much more. Right now you can get a free month of complete and unrestricted use. You do not need a credit card for the trial. To claim your free month and see how the brand new Freshbooks can change your business, go to FreshBooks.com/Tim and enter "Tim" in the "how did you hear about us" section. This podcast is also brought to you by Shopify. With the help of Shopify, many readers of my blog -- first-time business owners -- have ended up making millions of dollars each with their side gigs. Back in 2009, I helped create Shopify's Build a Business, which is now the world's largest entrepreneurship competition. The goal of this competition is to entice would-be entrepreneurs to get off the couch and make things happen, and all you have to do to qualify is open a store on Shopify and start selling. Top sellers in each category then have the exclusive opportunity to learn from mentors and experts like Tony Robbins, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Sir Richard Branson, and me a location like Oheka (aka Gatsby's) Castle or Necker Island. Listeners to this show can go to shopify.com/tim to sign up for a free, 30-day trial and get access to video courses that will help you get started -- including How to Quickly Start a Profitable Dropshipping Store with Corey Ferreira and some goodies from me. Check it out at shopify.com/tim today!***If you enjoy the podcast, would you please consider leaving a short review on Apple Podcasts/iTunes? It takes less than 60 seconds, and it really makes a difference in helping to convince hard-to-get guests. I also love reading the reviews!For show notes and past guests, please visit tim.blog/podcast.Sign up for Tim’s email newsletter (“5-Bullet Friday”) at tim.blog/friday.For transcripts of episodes, go to tim.blog/transcripts.Interested in sponsoring the podcast? Visit tim.blog/sponsor and fill out the form.Discover Tim’s books: tim.blog/books.Follow Tim:Twitter: twitter.com/tferriss Instagram: instagram.com/timferrissFacebook: facebook.com/timferriss YouTube: youtube.com/timferrissPast guests on The Tim Ferriss Show include Jerry Seinfeld, Hugh Jackman, Dr. Jane Goodall, LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Jamie Foxx, Matthew McConaughey, Esther Perel, Elizabeth Gilbert, Terry Crews, Sia, Yuval Noah Harari, Malcolm Gladwell, Madeleine Albright, Cheryl Strayed, Jim Collins, Mary Karr, Maria Popova, Sam Harris, Michael Phelps, Bob Iger, Edward Norton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Neil Strauss, Ken Burns, Maria Sharapova, Marc Andreessen, Neil Gaiman, Neil de Grasse Tyson, Jocko Willink, Daniel Ek, Kelly Slater, Dr. Peter Attia, Seth Godin, Howard Marks, Dr. Brené Brown, Eric Schmidt, Michael Lewis, Joe Gebbia, Michael Pollan, Dr. Jordan Peterson, Vince Vaughn, Brian Koppelman, Ramit Sethi, Dax Shepard, Tony Robbins, Jim Dethmer, Dan Harris, Ray Dalio, Naval Ravikant, Vitalik Buterin, Elizabeth Lesser, Amanda Palmer, Katie Haun, Sir Richard Branson, Chuck Palahniuk, Arianna Huffington, Reid Hoffman, Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings, Rick Rubin, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Darren Aronofsky, and many more.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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many, many different varieties, pulling out the lessons, strategies, habits, et cetera, that you can apply and test in your own life. My guest today is none other than the comedian's comedian, Bill Burr, at Bill Burr on Twitter, B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R. Please say hello. Many of you know him as a stand-up comedian, of course. His YouTube clips have followed me around the planet, as has his podcast. He is one of the funniest humans alive. I mean, he loses his audience sometimes on purpose because making them laugh is not enough of a challenge. And then he'll wheel them back in and get them back on his side. And he has been requested for this podcast for many years. Rolling Stone has called him, quote, the undisputed heavyweight champ of rage-fueled humor, end quote. And when

we finally got on the same stage to have a conversation and do this, he did not disappoint. So in this very wide-ranging conversation, Bill and I go all over the place. We talk about how he found his way into stand-up comedy, why he enjoys going for an encore after he's been booed, how he started as a squeaky clean comedian and then ended up where he is now, which is quite, quite different, how learning can serve as therapy, the importance of enjoying success, and much more. This interview comes from my TV show Fearless, with fear less, less in parentheses, because the objective is to learn to fear less, not to be fearless, not possible, in which I interview world-class performers,

that's probably my favorite combo word, on stage about how they've overcome doubt, conquered fear, and made their toughest decisions. You can watch the entire first episode with illusionist David Blaine for free at att.net forward slash fearless, no parentheses, so all one word, att.net forward slash fearless, the way you would all one word, att.net forward slash fearless, the way you would usually spell it. Highly recommend you check that out. And to see all

episodes, you can get it on DirecTV or you can go to DirecTV Now. And I believe that's just directtvnow.com, but directtv.com. So D-I-R-E-C-T-V.com and then click on direct now. We recorded about three hours of material on stage and only one hour was used for TV. That means this episode is almost entirely new content that did not appear on TV. So even if you saw that episode already, you're going to get a lot more patented Bill Burr. So please enjoy this wide ranging conversation with Mr. Bill Burr. So please enjoy this wide-ranging conversation with Mr. Bill Burr. Welcome to Fearless. I'm your host, Tim Ferriss. And on this stage, we'll be deconstructing world-class performers to uncover the specific tactics that they've used to overcome doubt, tackle hard decisions, and ultimately succeed. So imagine yourself all alone on stage in front of 14,000 people staring directly at you. For many of us, probably most of us, that'd be a complete nightmare. But for my guest tonight, it's just another day at the office. The man you're about to meet is one of the most prolific and respected comedians in the world.

He's done five hour long comedy specials, hosts one of the most popular podcasts of all time, and is the co-creator and star of the animated series F is for Family. Please welcome to the stage, Bill Burr. Hey, how are you? What's going on, Tim? How you doing, buddy? I'm good, I'm good. If you ever get booed, you've got to come back.

If there's an encore, you've got to go back. I think. You've got to go back. So I waved. And I remember there was this kid came running up because I trashed all of their teams because the Phillies hadn't won a World Series yet. They were like two years away from it at that point. And I just remember this kid was like, was yelling at me.

He was just going, he's going, hey, he's going, fuck you. Fuck you. Giving kid was like, was, was yelling at me. He was just going, he's going, Hey, he's going, fuck you. Fuck you. Giving me the finger yelling, fuck you. When I was standing there, he was like 30 yards away. I just kept going. I kept going, what, what? And he started going, fuck you. Fuck you. I literally just, he's like giving me the finger. Like, I don't know what it is. I just kept going. What? I literally got, he was like hopping mad. By the end he was, he was jumping up fuck you fuck you i can't i can't i remember i was standing next to opie and we were just laughing going like how dumb is this kid so um but then i was i was mortified afterwards because i thought um

you know because i knew like a lot of stuff was coming up on you know people who are having phones they had cameras and i was just going you know everyone's gonna see me get booed this is gonna You know, because I knew a lot of stuff was coming up on people who were having phones. They had cameras. And I was just going, you know, everyone's going to see me get booed. This is going to be embarrassing. I didn't know how it was going to play. I just thought that people weren't going to understand it. We first connected and started texting because we know Dave Elitch, who's an amazing professional drummer.

Yeah, and teacher. And teacher. He's just incredible. He has a great T-shirt for you guys who are looking for t-shirts to buy. And it says, uh, let's say more slowly, once again, something like that. Slow down, slow down. And I think it says repeat or do it again or do it again on the back. And so he'll just, he got sick of saying the same thing. So he just point to one side of his shirt. How did you get into drumming? Why, why drumming? Uh, how did I get into drum? I guess everyone was into music, you know, where I grew up and everything. And, um, I love music and, but I didn't start playing drums. I was almost like 20 years old. Like I,

I started really late, but, uh, and the reason for that was I was working in a warehouse and I came from a jock town. So everybody played sports, you know, pond hockey and all that. So I did a lot of that stuff. And, like, I liked music, but there was only a couple of kids that played guitar, and I wasn't around it. Like, I didn't think it was possible. I thought what I was watching people doing on TV, I just didn't think you could do it. And then I started working in this warehouse, and there was kids my age, and they were from a different town that was more like kids put together bands and stuff. And they were coming in, and, like, the songs I liked, they could play it.

And I was like, wow, it's amazing. So I started playing guitar and I just didn't have the patience for it. And I think the thing about drumming was the sport background where it was like a real physical thing that that it kind of came in to play. And I just started I just started playing and I played for for like six seven years um and during somewhere during that time i started playing uh i started doing stand-up and i moved to new york and your neighbors don't mind if you're strumming a guitar you can't like play drums in a one-bedroom apartment without pissing everybody off so i kind of stopped for like five years before i got back into it i grew up on long island i feel like we have the we don't have a tough accent. It's just a bad accent. Yeah.

I think it's a lot like the show we do. Yeah. Efforts for Family, where it was just like the parents just sent you outside. And some days you had good days. Sometimes you had bad days. Sometimes you just ran into bigger kids. And they would just beat the shit out of you for no reason. I distinctly remember them putting in a pool one time. And they were like,

you know, whatever the hell it is when they're smoothing out the concrete. And this older kid dared me to throw a rock into it. So I, I wanted his approval and I just took this big rock and this guy was just smoothing out. I just threw it. This guy almost killed me. He almost killed me. So that was back when you could almost kill a kid and it wasn't a problem. It was no cell phone video. It was all your word against theirs. So I think a lot of the reasons why I started doing standup was I just thought, okay, I'm going to get on stage, show people that I'm a funny guy and people will stop fucking with me. Like that was basically, and then like, and then I was, and that was, I remember thinking

that everything's going to fall into place. I'll meet the girl of my dreams. I'll make my money. I'll get my, whatever the hell I want a house. And so I only worked on getting better as a comedian. And then by the time I got to my mid thirties, like being a comedian was like 600 miles down the road and everything else was at the starting blocks. And like, literally like social interactions. I kept messing up relationships.

I mean, I was 36. I was still sleeping on a futon. And what they called was a one-bedroom apartment, which was bullshit because I met the woman who lived upstairs. We had the exact same apartment and hers was a studio. They just slammed a wall into mine. And, yeah, so I remember like those. There was like a three-year period of like I was in a full-on depression and I was so detached. I didn't, I wasn't even, I wasn't even aware of it.

When, what was the age, roughly, on that period? Oh, I don't know. It was, like, the early 2000s, whatever that, late 90s, early 2000s. It might have been a five, six year. I can't remember. I didn't worry about making it. I didn't worry about how am I going to make money. I didn't worry. I didn't worry about making it. I didn't worry about how am I going to make money. I didn't worry. I just like, I'm doing this. And when Billy got off stage,

I mean, it was the end of the night. I was like going like, who do I call for open mics? Like, how do I do this? And I remember he wrote down Rita and Rita choice who was, uh, she used to book it. And, uh, she was like back then, like one of the big characters, like used to always run into a comedy club. So I used to call in to do open mics. And I remember she used to once she got to know me and she thought I was kind of funny. I'd call up and be like, hey, hey, Rita, it's Bill Burr. I'd like to do it. No, no, no, no, no, Bill.

You call me and you say, Rita, this is open mic or Bill Burr. She was always breaking balls. So I would always laugh and I would do it. And she was kind of like a test, like if you had, like, a sense of humor about yourself. And I gradually, like, worked my way in to doing stand-up. You know, I remember one time I did

a show. I've told this before, but I did this show. I was seeing this woman when I was in New York, and I remember she came over, and I was making her dinner or whatever, and then I had a spot at the comic strip, which where I was seeing this woman when I was in New York, and I remember she came over, and I was making her dinner or whatever, and then I had a spot at the comic strip, which where I was living was right around the corner. So I said, I've got to go run and do a spot. And during the week, I mean, you know, she asked me, what do those spots pay?

And they were like, the comic strip was hilarious. It was like $5, $8, $7. And you're basically just going up there trying out material. And I went up there, and I tried out new material, and it worked, and I was psyched, and I came home. And I finished, like and I tried out new material and it worked and I was psyched. And I came home and I finished like cooking the dinner or whatever they was making. I can't remember what I was making. And I did this stupid dance in the kitchen and she was laughing and I was dancing because I had this new material. I was excited. And then she got like this, she got this sad look on her face. God, did I dance that bad? Like, what's the matter, right?

And she goes, no. She goes, I just wish I had a job where I got paid $8. I came home and danced in a kitchen. And I never forgot that. I was like, oh, yeah. I didn't even think that. Because I got this weird thing about money where I want to have it so I'm not broke, but I don't give a shit about it. But I also don't want to have debt

so I don't overextend myself, but I don't give a shit about it. Like, I will pay extra to not go through the process. Like, I can't even, like, I don't use, like, you know, frequent flyer miles. Like, my wife signed me up for them, but I don't use them ever

because I don't want to go through the fucking, you know, logging in and all of a sudden I'm working for American Airlines. I'm like, I don't work for these fucking people. Like I'll buy my own ticket. I don't, I don't want to do this. Yeah. I won't cancel shit. Like I got like gym memberships. I've never canceled because I'm not, because I'm not going through going on that stupid thing. And if you want to do this, press one. If you want to do this, press one. If you want to do that, press two. Like I got I don't know, like my free time.

I cherish it. And I'm not like going to fucking I'm not I'm not going to be laying on my deathbed one time just thinking about how many hours I spent on the phone going person, person, operator, person. Fuck you. Like, I don't want to do that. So I would rather pay the extra charge. So a little bit later, I want to pull up the not caring about money examples that I have found most personally amusing, which are actually from your podcast. So we'll get to those. But at the time, Sid, if you could just place us, when were you working in your dad's office?

And maybe you could describe what your dad did. Early 90s to mid-90s, I was working in a dental office. And I had been laid off from the warehouse with the guy all coked up, right. But my car was paid off, thank God. And I was living at home. So I was kind of living like this little existence for like three months. And my dad started working with this other guy, went into practice with him and I need, he needed some, you know, I think he was just sick of watching me being around the house. So nepotism kicked in and next thing you know, I got a lab coat and I'm standing next to him to handing him all the shit as he's taking teeth out and stuff. And I had to get past the gross factor of that. And then I learned how to pour up models and stuff and take x-rays. And

I was actually, I was halfway decent at it, but I knew that, you know, for half a second, I thought maybe, you know, I would do this. But what was funny was I had to call my father Dr. Burr. I couldn't call him Dad in front of a patient because that would be weird. Like, hey, Dad, do you want this? So I had to keep it professional. And when I worked there was around the time when I started doing stand-up. And what sucked, I was still living at home. So he knew because at the end of the night, he'd be like, where are you working tonight?

And I'd have like a gig in Maine, living in Massachusetts for free. And I would drive up there, maybe like five, ten bucks gas money. And I would drive all the way up. My dad would have like 7 o'clock patients and shit. Like he worked like a lunatic, like from 7 to 7. He would side book root canals like on molars, which is three nerve involvements. We'd like numb up a guy. And then we you know, nerve involvements. We'd be, we'd like numb up a guy and then we'd go in the other room and like, and he didn't give a shit too. Like every one time some homeless guy came in, he was like, I finally got a lunch. Cause

you'd never get a lunch with them. This guy came in, you know, he was, you know, substance abuse and he was all, you know, and all these other guys I noticed would just give a medicine. They would leave. My dad would be like, ah, just get him in there and blah, blah, blah. And I was like pissed. And I'd be like, Dr. Brian, what the fuck? Why can't we just get this guy, you know? And he just goes, look, he goes, I can't go home tonight knowing there's some guy in pain. And I didn't do anything. Did you get material for your comedy from that experience?

Oh, yeah. Big time. I read that you had dental comedy early. And I don't know what dental comedy is. Oh, yeah. No, no. I had all of it. I had all of it.

My dad used to, like, he used to set me up because he knew that, I swear to God, if I had, like, a late show, then he would go extra fast. He'd just go extra. Give me that. Give me that. Christ, Bill, you're out to lunch. He would start giving me shit in front of the patient. I used to tell him like, like, dad, you can't do that type of stuff. And like, he, he wasn't like that, but I got a lot of it out of like patients. Like, I remember this guy came in, uh, I used to work totally squeaky clean, totally clean. Cause I didn't want to offend anybody. Cause I didn't want to get heckled

because I was still this really shy person. Right. So I remember this guy came in one time and like his teeth were all rotten out. I just remember he said something like, like, you know, I don't understand what the problem is. You know, I brush my teeth almost every day. Right. That's what he said. So my punch line to that was like, oh, yeah. Well, do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit? So for a while, I started closing on that joke. And I would work totally squeaky clean, going up there looking like Ron Howard. And everybody's like, oh, look at this wholesome guy. And then out of nowhere, I would just end with, yeah, do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit?

And they'd be like, good night, everybody. And I'd be like, dude, what's going on? I had no idea what I was doing. I actually was a prop act for a second where I had one prop. For whatever reason, you're not allowed to have props in comedy. In acting, it's fine. I have no idea, right?

We had this dental mask. When you really had some gnarly shit going on, they had these plastic things. It looked like a welder's shield, but it was all plastic. I'll spare you the details when stuff is flying at you. So I used to bring that and I would take it out

after I would do all the dental material and be like, yeah, my job's so bad. I have to wear this at work. And I would just put it on and I had no joke. And I would put it on and they'd sort of chuckle and be like waiting for the joke.

And then behind the mask, almost like muffled, I'd be like, good morning, everybody. I'd just take it away. And I'd put it back in my little duffel bag and I'd walk away. It was just, it was horrible. How do you know when something is close

and when something is done? Like when you're working on a joke or a piece of writing, how do you know when something's done? Well, I think when I'm touring, none of the jokes are done. Until I start getting sick of them, then I'm like, all right, I need to record these and document these because they're going to start becoming not funny. Because they're starting to feel like a job to tell them, I'm sick of this joke and oh my God, I want don't want to do this joke, and this is one so long, and I might not think that anymore, and those things, sometimes those things just drop away, and you never record them or anything, so I'd say it's like that. When you bombed that first time, was that at Kelly's? That third gig? Jesus, you did your research. How the hell did

you find that one? I must have told that on another podcast. A good team helping me. Magic elves in the back as well. That's why you've got to cover that camera up on your flat screen. And on your laptop. That's actually really good. No, it's true. They sit there and they watch you. They try to see what you're watching and shit.

If you bang your wife, they're going to keep watching. I want to talk about last Tuesday night. When you... I imagine the drive back after that gig was very different from the Motley Crue experience. I was mortified. Mortified. How did you, what did you do to get yourself back on the horse for the next gig? I mean, what did you say to yourself before you got on stage the next time? Because a lot of people, like, fall off.

They don't get back on. Well, I fell off a lot of things and didn't get back on. But like, I also always knew I knew if I was good at something or if I wasn't like, you know what I mean? Like as much as I love playing drums and everything, I went to the music store enough times and saw an eight year old get on a drum kit. And I'd be like, dude, like I would pay you to take lessons. Like I just didn't have it. Like it's a hobby. It's something I enjoy doing, but I would never subject anybody to it on a professional level. This happens to me a lot with my ADD is I went down that road and I forgot the question. The question was, which is fine, by the way. The question was, how did you get back on the horse?

Would you save yourself before getting back on stage? Well, it never dawned on me not to do it again. Right. Had you already committed to the next gig? All the other social shit that mortified me, I just stayed away from it. But that thing was like, I don't think I had another. Maybe I just was like, you know what's going to happen. It's like you're riding a motorcycle.

You know one of these days you're going to go down. You just hope you're going to happen. It's like you're riding a motorcycle. You know one of these days you're going to go down. You just hope you're going to live. You talked about some dark periods earlier. I'm forgetting the exact timeline, but what precipitated that? I guess you said it was a couple of years. And for people who don't know, I mean, I almost offed myself during a year off from college. So it's like I've had some battles myself. What motive?

How are you going to do it? You know what? So this is a good question. And I'll tell you why I'm not going to give an answer, because it was a really good plan. It was a plan that would minimize guilt or self-blaming on the part of my family. It was really well thought through. I had everything specced out.

Zipline in the woods into a sword. Mostly involved, yeah. Involved some porcupines. A little bit of curare, yeah. It was very complex. Hard to replicate. But, yeah, I wouldn't want people to copycat it if I put it out there. But what precipitated that period for you?

What does that mean? What came before that? What triggered it? Like what for you? What does that mean? What came before that? What triggered it. Sorry. Using weatherman language. My bad. I don't know why. It comes out of me sometimes.

Yeah, what led to it? What triggered going into that fight? Half of you laughing didn't know what it meant either. Thank you. I just think I was, it was, I was just going full speed towards a wall that, you know, because I thought I was normal, well-adjusted. And even though I knew I had like a crazy temper, I had this period, you know, where I just was really just like, you know, I would be what you needed me to be. Yeah. And like I really had like I was friends with everybody.

Right. Which is not a real thing. Yeah. If you're being who you are, I would just I would adjust my shit so I wouldn't cause any friction. So there wouldn't be, you know, any, like, you know, the shit I dealt with coming up. I had enough of people screaming and yelling. I had enough of fighting and all that stuff that I would just adjust my behavior so then we would just be smooth. And I just think using that as a game plan, eventually you're just going to, you're so going to spin away from who the hell you are that I think that, you know, and also just focusing on stand-up and not other areas of my life,

I think that that's when the anger and all of that stuff started to come up. And then I kind of went like this completely different person. And I really started snapping about nothing for a good 12 years. And I think, yeah, somewhere in there. Somewhere in there. Somewhere in there. I mean, maybe I was always depressed, but I didn't realize it.

I think I just didn't realize it. And somewhere along the line, one of the umpteen thousand poor women that ever came across me, one of them finally told me to go to therapy. And I went there thinking like, yeah, I'm fine, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you start telling story. And it was all this shit that I knew that happened,

but was just hovering. It just sort of, it's just over here and you're just going around in life. And then all of a sudden, when you start talking about it, you say it out loud, it's like, oh, that's a real thing. Oh, that really did happen to me. It's like, and then you start thinking like, wow, I'm pretty fucked up.

And hey, and I'm not happy. I'm really not happy like i really started getting conscious of what my brain was telling me and what my if my brain was like a friend i would like be like yeah dude we can't do this anymore you're just bumming me out man i mean jesus christ do you ever see the light the fuck you know so then fortunately i wasn't like clinically so i didn't need any any medicine all i needed was uh i just needed to i just became aware of it and i'd be like all right well there's that thought do you want to have that thought do you want to go to the gym i got back into playing drums which was a great thing and um then i also i just stopped giving a shit about making it. And in a way where I was

just like, you know what, forget this. I'm just going to do what I do. Cause I went through that whole period. Like, you know, I know many of you guys are trying to make it out here. You just go through that period where you're just like, oh, they, they, they like guys with, you know, whatever blue button down shirts and you're wearing the blue button down shirts and people who talk about this, they like in my time, it's gone from the tail end of the sport coat guy into the grunge guy, into the alt scene, into the whole, like, whatever that period was where guys in their 30s acted like they were 14 and they were awkward and just, you know, the hoodie, like that. My wife called them, what'd she call them, not baby men or something, man boys.

Man boys, that's what she called them. And I, or something. Man boys. Man boys. That's what she called them. And I don't know. I'm just like awkward. Like there was this default thing. It's like, oh, great. Now I have to hold up both ends of the conversation. So I really just, those people, I really just,

I kind of got hostile with. I was just like, well, when you get over with that, you know, and you can fucking talk to me. Yeah, you are awkward. This is weird. And I also thought a lot of people no but a lot of people that do that it's also it's a passive aggressive thing to come in and fucking steal focus and we all have to deal with how awkward you are and make sure you're okay it's like fuck you dude you're in your 30s figure this out i'll never forget one time i was in a green room in new

york i was living in la and i met an old friend and we were talking about the old days. Remember this guy? Remember that night when this happened? We were having a great time. And there was younger comics and they were listening and some people were actually in the tail end of the stories. We were having this great time and then this woman comes in, comedian, and she was socially awkward and

she didn't know how to get into it. So we're all laughing and everything and she walked right into the middle of the circle. I swear to God, she just walked in going like, hello, hello, hello, hello. And she was like mocking, saying hello. Yeah. But then totally stole all the focus

and everyone's just like, oh, whoa, you all right? And all the fun went out of the room. And then everyone was dealing with her and then she left and I said to my friend what the fuck was that? That was some rude shit we were having a great time and like

if you don't know how to say fucking hello, learn how to do it don't come in and take the whole thing away and just ruin this thing and that was the last time that was the last time. That was the last time I was like, fuck these awkward people. Like, if you really are...

I don't want to, like, bully people. I don't want to bully somebody. If they really are socially awkward or something like that, I'll work with you. But if you just embraced, I'm awkward, now the world has to deal with it. If that's your stick. Yeah, go fuck yourself. So we're all I'm graced. I'm awkward. Now the world has to deal with it. Right. If that's your stick. Yeah.

Yeah. Go fuck yourself. So we also have a clip that we'll pull up in a minute from F is for Family that might, I don't know. So now that I've seen all the episodes and now that you're telling me a lot of these stories, I can see where I think a lot of them came from. There's one clip that we'll pull up in a little bit. I'm not going to do it just right now, but what have you found to help get you out of a depressive period?

You mentioned exercise. For instance, I mean, I found drummers in general to be very happy people. I don't know if they're happy and then they end up drumming or if it's because of the physical aspect of just going animal on a drum kit. It's awesome. It's a great feeling.

It's awesome. I also a great feeling. It's awesome. I also had played the drums in college, but not very good at all. But that was my experience. It was like it alleviated a lot of these darker thoughts. Is there anything else that you've found particularly helpful? Yeah, I just do shit. I just get up and do something that day. And it's literally like I'll go on YouTube to cook and stuff.

So I'll go on YouTube and I'll see somebody. What I did recently, who's the guy from Hell's Kitchen? Gordon Ramsay. Yeah, Gordon Ramsay. Dude, he's got this video, like the sickest scrambled egg you're ever going to make in your life. It's insane. And I just remember watching it. I was just like, I'm going to fucking in your life. It's insane. And I just remember watching it. I was just like, I'm going to fucking make that thing. And because I have the free time, like as a comedian, like I

can do it. I went out, I bought all the ingredients and all that type of stuff. And that's that's what I do. And I or I'll learn something, you know, but I do have my hobbies like cooking and playing drums and a few other things that I do. And it's just like, I try to have like that moment in the day, like learn something or go somewhere like, but working out is a big thing. That's a big thing. How did your goals change if they did from when you're trying to force fit yourself? Like what was the kind of pinnacle that you had in mind for making it to after? For me coming up, it was all about having an HBO special because HBO specials, those were the best comics. That's all the great guys that I saw coming up.

You got on HBO is totally uncensored And they were the home for that. And unfortunately, when I got into it, you know, right in the early 90s, by the mid-90s, they just stopped doing it for like 10 years. so I don't, that's when I kind of felt rudderless. Because when HBO stopped doing their specials, I didn't know what to do. And then

what Comedy Central started doing the half hour is they, you were, the fact that they had commercials, they basically, I think it's eight minutes each hour. So they were automatically going to take 16 minutes out or eight minutes out of a half hour. And then they also, they would beep out the curses with like the worst, most archaic, like beep, beep. So really, they wouldn't just fade it down and come back up. So, um, I remember watching specials and just thinking that was really distracting. So once again, I work clean. So if you watch my first half hour on comedy central, I work totally clean. Um, and I gave them, I gave them the least amount of material that I could because I just looked at it. Cause those guys doing like, all right, here's a half, you know, it's a half hour. They're only going to use 22 minutes.

They would, they, they would do is they do 40. So then you had this guy who you didn't know, you didn't approve of is now going to hack 40 minutes down to 22. What is he going to do? Exactly. So I was like immediately, I was like, well, fuck that. Like what's the least you can do? And they say, least you can amount of time you can do is like 25 or 26., well, fuck that. Like what's the least you can do. And they say least amount of time you can do is like 25 or 26. And I did exactly that. So the worst you could do is butcher four of it out, but the rest of it was going to look good. So I was happy with it. And, um, you know, it was just kind of doing stuff like that, but it still wasn't what I wanted because it wasn't me that, that half hour that I did. That was me like just

kind of doing an extended Letterman spot where I was working totally clean. And but it wasn't until HBO came back and did the half hours. And I did those that I actually got to do. It was the first time people got to see me, you know, not in a club. They were at home and they got to see that this is what I do. And, you know, that was the same time I got on the Opie and Anthony show. And they all kind of came out at the same time. It was the first time I went to a club and it was sold out and people were there to see me, which was a whole other level of pressure. It used it used to be. Yes. Up until then, it was people coming to the club because that's what they did.

They had nothing else to do. Like, let's go down to the comedy club. And you had to prove to them that you were funny. And I used to remember thinking, like, imagine if they came to see me, how much easier this would be. I didn't realize the other pressure was like, no, we saw that. So we're expecting at least that, if not better. And then it's like, oh, man. So that took me like a good three months of it.

It was a new kind of nervousness experience to get over of people expecting like, yeah, we're here to see you. We like what you do. Don't ruin this. What was the first special? The first half hour? Yeah. Or not the Comedy Central, but the first time you could be yourself. Oh, that was the HBO half hour that I did. And that was in 2005. Still remember, April 2005 came out in September. Is there anything since then? And I mean, this is an assumption on my part, which is dangerous.

But did you feel like you had summited the mountain at that point? Do you feel like you'd arrived? No, I felt that somewhere in like 2009, 2010. By then I'd done a couple of hours. I'd done my second hour for Netflix, which became the new HBO as far as just totally uncensored. And I think I bought a house at that point. I bought a house, right?

And still, you know, people didn't really, I had a niche following in that. And I said to my wife, I was just like, I know you're not supposed to say this, but I made it. Because there's this sickness in this business of like, no, man, if you think you made it, then you're going to relax and it's all going to go away. So like, oh, so I'm never going to be happy. It's like, I tell dick jokes and I just bought a house. I made it. Yeah. So I didn't want to be that guy that is doing well. It's like, oh, but what about the next thing? Like that sickness.

Just the greyhound chasing the rabbit. Performers or driven people can have this sickness of like, it's just, you know, it's just like you can't even enjoy it. It's like, what's the next thing? I mean, I know guys that like, they have like, they, they accomplish something. And as they're right, as they're getting right to the peak, this depression hits them. Cause they're like, then what? And then what am I going to do? And then, then this is over. And then, then I got nothing and blah, blah, blah. It's like, Hey, can you just fucking have a beer up here? We did this, you know?

Can we enjoy this for a second? Did you continue doing therapy after those initial sessions that you mentioned? I did it for a few years. And then one day it just dawned on me that I just kind of am just talking in circles in here. And it's just like, bad shit's going to always happen to me. And what am I going to keep coming in here

and emoting about it? Like, at what point am I going to grow up and kind of not need this? And I'm not trying to say that in here and emoting about it? Like, what point am I going to grow up and kind of not need not need this? And I'm not trying to say that you're weak if you go there. But I just hit this point where I was I was like, all right, you know, I all of that shit happened. You know, it happened. Right. And it definitely affected who I am. But now I'm not going to be, like, lashing out at people. I'll be like, oh, I do this because of that.

A little bit of that. But what I did, you know, at some point, it'd be like if somebody's teaching you how to fix a car. At some point, you've got to try to fix it yourself. You know what I mean? You can't keep going, no, I turn right here. How do I do this, right? So I just became like that. So now I kind of, you know, I kind of self-therapy myself.

It's cheaper. You mentioned the, I guess, delusion maybe of always chasing the next thing and never being satisfied with where you are. from friends of mine who are comedians is that if they do therapy or meditation or fill in the blank to tone down some of their tendencies that it will make them less funny yeah is that something you i thought that was true no it's not true what it does is it gives you an insight into you as a human and then you start you see people differently and it actually allowed me to write, like, or think about characters and just notice shit with people that I never did before. Like, I got a thing with somebody. Anybody who does this when they're talking, like, I wasn't blah, blah, blah. They're full of shit.

Now, not only are they full of shit, they have a complete inability to accept responsibility for anything they've ever done. I just recently told this to Jim Norton. It was that publicist who backed over like those 12 people in like Long Island. And then I remember she just she drove away and then she went to her house. When she got to her house, the cops showed up, and the lawyer met them in the driveway and was like, yeah, she'll come down tomorrow and blah, blah, blah, and they left. I remember thinking, you can fucking do that? I didn't know you could do that.

She was, of course, vilified. Then the next day in the paper, they had this picture of her, and she was talking to the media. She had a hand like that. It's like, you fucking backed over 11 people. I'll go with you that that can happen, that you can't see that. But you left. You fucking left. Yeah, get the fuck out of here.

So I've noticed that. And I remember. So you start picking up on that. And I remember one time this comic did some passive-aggressive shit to him. I called him out on it, and he immediately went with the two hands to the chest. I'm like, that's the kind of guy that would back over 11 people and drive away. So I wouldn't have noticed that if I didn't go to therapy. And I've also noticed, like, you know, like, yeah, I talk to myself a lot about, like, going, you know,

like getting into it with people and screaming and yelling, and then I'll drive away and be like, all right, Bill, how did that going, you know, like getting into it with people and screaming and yelling. And then I'll drive away and be like, all right, Bill, how did that go? You know? And then try to see how they're, how, you know, if I was wrong in it, like they were right. You know, at somebody's mom, you just yelled at her like, what's wrong with you? You're like, I really had like a, uh, like really a hair trigger kind of thing. So it's something that, um, you know, working on my temper, I really try to, I've really been, like, especially lately, because, you know, I was making my wife, like, on pins and needles because it wasn't like I was flipping out over anything.

Like, I fucking hate these things. The second I came out and I saw this, whatever this is, this pad. Yeah, I bet. I hate these things. I can't stand them they don't make my life easier they're a nightmare they're intrusive you know am i i can't i can't stand so i flip out about them and like um i saw a thing recently this politically active comedian was sitting there talking it was trying to get people to vote in like this oddly like bullying

way going like you know there's going to be an app out there that's going to say, you know, whether you voted or not. And they're not going to know whether you voted and who you voted for, but they're going to know that you voted. So you can't basically bullshit people anymore. I just was watching it the whole time going. And like, that's a good thing that that level of private information because of this fucking app. I didn't say you could say whether I voted or not.

That's what I that's what I I hate about all of this fucking app. I didn't say that you could say whether I voted or not. That's what I hate about all of this shit. I have a theory. Somewhere around 94, 95, we should have stopped making new shit. All right? They cured enough diseases.

Cars were fast enough. Planes aren't any really faster than they were back then. It was good. But all of this shit You could, you know, planes aren't any really faster than they were back then. It was good. But all of this shit now that like, you know. Tape your cameras. Yeah. Tape your cameras.

All of this stuff. Look at Billy Bush. Billy Bush got fired for some shit that happened in 2005. It's fucking unbelievable. And all he was doing is what an interviewer does. He was keeping the interviewee happy. Right? The guy, I just grabbed the pussy.

He's like, hey, grab some pussy. Whatever. We doing this? And for all you know, at the end of the interview when Trump left, he could have been like, what was that guy like? That guy was out of his mind. He was talking about grabbing pussies. He's fucking crazy. Anyways, who do we got next? Matthew McConaughey. All right, all right. What's going on, you know? He's just doing that. For all you know, that's all he was doing. And it was literally like, that's what I hate about this shit. It's like, you literally take two seconds in somebody's fucking life and you're like, that's who you are. That's you. That, that tweet is who you are. That's what's in your heart

and all of this shit. I got friends of mine. They've gotten like big shows, SNL and stuff like that. I think one person person, they go back to 2010. They went through six years of tweets to try and, whoa, whoa, whoa, what was about this one? Yeah, it's like, get the fuck out of here, right? Why did you start doing the podcast? I guess Bobby Kelly, once again, I was hanging at his apartment when we used to live near each other in New York. And he was just like, dude, you got to do this. It's called a podcast.

I had no idea what it was. He goes, you know, it's another way to connect with your fans. And both me and him and all of my friends, we weren't the guys they were picking. We just weren't the guys. We weren't whatever they were going for. We just never were the guys. And, you know, and yet on every showcase, they'd always put us on last because we were really good at what we did. But there was always like the, you know, whatever the hell it was they were looking for, we were the outcasts. So any way to connect with your fans, we had to do it.

And that was this new thing. And I just liked doing it. At first, I used to call in. Before I had like the mixer and all that, I used to call in this service. So I would just call up this phone number on my flip phone and I would just, I would be in airports and I would just be trashing people and telling stories and singing songs. And at first I just did it for like seven minutes and it was 10 minutes. Then it became 20, then a half hour. And then I started going like, well, you know, yeah, you know, ask me some questions or I had this thing underrated,

overrated for a while and YouTube video of the week and i just sort of built like a show around it and um and it just kind of became what it became was it for shits and giggles or was there something no i want i wanted to connect with fans you know it was a way to just just another thing to do and um but it was also uh i enjoyed it because there's other ways to connect with fans that I don't enjoy. Like all those things, you guys, when you upload your pictures. I don't like those because it says, can we have access to all your photos? And it's like, no, you can have access to this photo, you fucking weirdo. So I don't do it.

So I just don't do any of those. But then there's other stuff that's the same thing. It's like the mall thing again. Like, does this fit into the wheelhouse of what I feel like I want to do? And it was just something I like doing, so I just started doing it. So between, or I should say during the period of your specials, and then getting all the way to F is for Family, what were the high points for you in that entire schedule?

I didn't hear the question. I just heard that person groaning out there like, ah! Sorry, sorry. We're getting down to the end here. That's a C-minus question. Bear with me. I'm working on my material. I think his ass is hurting from sitting down.

It's the beauty. We can go around again. Here we go. So from the point that you started doing your specials up to F is for Family, were there any particular inflection points or experiences that set you on the path that led you to where you are? Any formative experiences? You know, I'm thinking of Chappelle's show. It's like Breaking Bad. I mean, you have so much that you've done.

I'm just wondering if any standout. Like influenced my comedy or just got me to where I'm at? Both, either. All right. Well, getting me to where I'm at is like, you know, how long it took me to make it is like, it's a bunch of people. It's comics that I saw when I was in Boston. People who gave me shots getting in at the comic strip. It was a woman, Amanda Schatz at MTV. She saw me in Boston, and then she was like, I want to see you in New York. And I couldn't get in at the comic strip. I remember Lucian going, I already have enough white guys, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I remember all these white guys used to get mad at Bob.

It's like reverse racism. They want to say all this type of shit. And it's just like, dude, you know what he's saying. We're not even a dime a dozen. There's like, we're a dime for 60 of us. And if you're going to be another asshole coming in here talking about your cul-de-sac life, he already has that. So, you know, stop being a baby about it, right? Everything else is gravy for you as a white dude.

So I just basically was like, I remember thinking like, all right, this guy's I'm going to get in here. I don't know how, but I'm going to get in here. And she saw me. And so she hooked me up with the showcase there. Somehow I did well. I got past there, which led me to get into New York and then through New York, just being there. I remember Dave Chappelle said some nice things to me one night saying that basically you're going to get there, but the road that you're going is going to take longer. But when you get there, you're going to have that staying thing. And I held on to that for years. And when I would be playing some shithole,

I was just like, but Dave Chappelle said. But then it was just, you know, a lot of radio guys. Jim Norton get me in with Opie and Anthony was huge. Randy Bauman in Pittsburgh because I would go to these markets and the guys that I really vibed with, they would give me the option to be like, hey, rather

than flying in Thursday morning for your Thursday through Sunday, if you want to fly in Wednesday or Tuesday and just do radio the whole week, I'll help you pack the place. And guys like Randy Baumann in Pittsburgh, I would do that. I would just come in, have no shows Tuesday, Wednesday,

and I would just do four hours of radio in the morning, do the whole morning show, and then do morning on Thursday and Friday, just killing it as hard as I could to, you know, get it like half full. Maybe they don't have to pull the curtain. And it was just all those types of things. And I guess I don't know. I've been doing this shit for a long time.

Breaking Bad was huge. Because forever I wanted to play a guy like that. Alright? But back when I had my hair and stuff, I looked like Ron Howard. So it was like I was always the friend. I was the nerd.

I just wasn't going to be that guy. And I just always wanted to play a guy like Kubi. And they gave me a shot. And then through that, all of a sudden I got these other roles. Like, you know, once you get it on tape and they can see that you can do it, they're like, oh, we can do this, and then people will take a shot on you. So that was a huge thing. And I'd say Mike Binder with when I did Black or White, which became Black and White.

Black, yeah, what was it? It was Black and White was the original name of it, but somebody already owned the copyright of that and they wouldn't sell it. So then we had to switch it to black or white. And it was like this trial about who should have the rights to watch this kid that was racially mixed, was half white and half black. So black and white made it seem inclusive, but we had to switch it to black or white. So it kind of became like this, make a decision, kind of vibe to it. But he let me, I got to play a lawyer in that and had all these great dramatic scenes and all that. So I kind of became like this make a decision kind of vibe to it but he let me i got to play a lawyer in that and um had all these great dramatic scenes and all that so i kind of got

a nice like acting thing going on where i get to do some drama stuff i get to do some comedy stuff so it's been cool yeah speaking of cosmo magazine uh this uh next question is from marcus harbaugh i think is how you said it, also from Facebook. My wife thinks he's hilarious, and she's generally not a fan of pro-male types of comedy. How did he learn to so expertly deliver that kind of humor without alienating his female audience? I alienate a lot of females. I do. I alienate issue people. I alienate politically correct people.

Like they got like that thing where like, you know, this is the issue. You're only allowed to have this thought on this issue. I have zero sense of humor about this issue. These are all the proper words. These are all the if you use these bad, if you use these words, this you're this. If you use that, they're very like it's hilarious because they're progressive left using the exact same like Fox News extreme right. They're the exact same fucking lunatics. I hate I hate progressive left people. And I generally speaking and the Fox News to the right.

They're taking our country. Those people, those I can't even listen to them. They're idiots. Yeah, they're like both of them. And they both have both of them like like their heart is in the right place. They just they're not doing it. And they're doing it in this very Stalin esque kind of way of zero tolerance. Oh, yeah. And what's funny to me is the right always gets that the left just cannot see when they're doing it. It's like you've become what the fuck you're fighting and you're annoying.

You're annoying. So, I mean, I think that explains, you know, a little bit of the Trump shit, like how that guy kind of came up with, it's like, you guys were ramming this shit down. Like, this is so fucked up. If you just look at politics, like Obama was a response to

eight years of the Bush people ramming it down your throat. And he was a response to eight years of Clinton people ramming it down their throats. And then 12 years before that, you had Reagan and Bush. Both sides just can't present their shit. They got to be like, fucking eat it. Eat it. You know, and it's all it does is it causes resentment. And if you look, the pendulum just keeps swinging like further and further.

And people sound fucking right now. People sound crazy to me on either side that I can't watch it. It's like if anybody if anybody in the left gets in, it's like it's going to be socialism. This is going to be like communist Russia. And if anybody right gets in, it's like this be socialism. This is going to be like communist Russia. And if anybody right gets in, it's like, this is like Germany in 1935, every fucking time, just, just going, just going like this. So I don't know. Like, I just try to just be like, all right, I'll just, let's settle down. Everybody fucking relax. Get yourself a sandwich. Some of these things could be true. Some of them might not be true, but like getting

into this, you're not going to be able to think clearly and be able to make the right move when you have to, I guess. So we'll see. Now, do you deliberately at times try to lose the audience, like push them to the breaking point and like there is something that I and then reel them back. I mean, is that what I used to do? What I used to do that was from playing hell rooms and no one would listen. So what I would do is I would make a statement that would make people be like, dude, what the fuck?

And thinking that I'm heading towards this thing, right? Like I would make a statement that would make anything make you feel like I'm heading towards like supporting the Klan or beating women or anything like that. You just say that and that gets everybody to drop their fork, to listen. They're like, dude, what the fuck is this? And then you just wind them back to the point that you wanted to make anyways. And they're like, oh, all right. Okay. That's kind of funny. And then you just keep doing that. And then eventually, once I had the room, then I could just do my show. And I think a little bit of that started to bleed into my style. I don't do that anymore on purpose.

When I was coming up, I used to do that on purpose. There was all these techniques. You could also start talking quieter if people were talking louder. People used to say that. That never fucking worked for me. Just nobody heard me. I was just like,. You could also start talking quieter if people were talking louder. People used to say that. That never fucking worked for me. Then just nobody heard me. I was just like, okay, nobody's listening to my jokes. But, you know, yeah, a lot of that came from,

you know, all those crazy rooms I did. And I'm very proud that I did all those and I didn't sidestep any of those. Like I pretty much did all of them. I did the good rooms, the bad rooms, the white rooms, black rooms, gay clubs. I did everything. Cause I, I really felt that I, I, I know why, I know why just, I remember this. I, when I was a kid, not a kid, um, I was like probably 18 years old and it was the summer of 86 and Rodney Dangerfield late great Rodney

Dangerfield was on, um, he was on tour and he came to this place, Great Woods. Now it's called the Tweeter Center. And I remember he came and he killed and he was hilarious and all that. And I saw all these people there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I didn't notice that they were all white because I was white. So I was just like, oh, wow, we're all watching this guy, whatever. And then like a month later, I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw tour. He had the blue leather suit.

I had lawn seats. That's how famous this dude was. I was sitting on the grass watching a guy doing stand-up comedy. He had like the weather girls opened up for him and everything. And I remember that night looking around going, wait, this guy's making everybody laugh. This is the difference. So I remember when getting into comedy that I didn't want to be that guy like being like a radio station. Like he makes white males 18 to 35, you know, like I wanted to be like, no, this guy is funny. But but the only way to do that was to do all of those those different rooms.

And it didn't it didn't always go well. Like black rooms are hilarious. Like they it's like what i learned about them is they're either they're having fun no matter they're either gonna have fun with you or without you but either way they're gonna have a good time so that was that was definitely um those were some of my favorite shows that i ever did there was there was a legendary show at this now gone comedy club that sounded like a fucking wine bar,

which just kills me because, I mean, it was just the rawest, sickest, like, in the village. It was right as Giuliani was taking over, so people were still selling drugs out in front of him. It was just, it was crazy.

And I used to see, like, you know, all these guys, like young Dave Chappelle, Jay Moore, all these, Red Johnny, the round guy, all these guys just they've just murdering in there. But Sunday night was was the Uptown show because they wouldn't say, you know, the black only show, I guess. So they would say the Uptown show and this guy talent and Will Silvins used to host that show.

And that for me, that was the show like this day like that was that was the most fun show i ever did was when when you killed on that show dude it was like you walked out of like why am i not famous yet like that's how hard it was just everyone was on top of you it was the greatest ever but when you bombed it was just like why did i ever think i was funny i should have opened a hardware store like you would just leave like uh did I ever think I was funny? I should have opened a hardware store. Like, we would just leave. Those are some rough nights, though, going back to the technically one bedroom that was really a studio and getting under the futon just laying there. Yeah. A lot of grunting and groaning the next day in the shower.

Like, oh, God, I hate myself, you know. What piece of advice would you give your 25-year-old self? Oh, I hate that question. They always say that. If you could go back and tell yourself what you don't know. What did you dislike about your 25-year-old self, if you prefer that question? What did I dislike? No, I definitely felt like a freak back then.

I definitely did not feel, I never felt like I fit in anywhere until I went to a comedy club. And just seeing all the comics. And I was just like, these people are the same kind of crazy that I am. You know what I mean? Like, everybody's out of their mind. But, like, there was a specific way that they were nuts. That, like, I would just meet them. It's like like I know this person, but I don't know them like they it just felt like. In a weird way, like you were going home, it was crazy.

But as far as like what I would tell myself. I would be afraid to fuck it up because it ended up so well. You know, it's like that back to the school, back to the future, whatever the hell it's called. I always mess up the name of movies. Back to the future, where you change one thing and your mom wants to fuck you, however that happens.

Wasn't that one of the storylines? Calvin. That feel-good family movie? The mom wants to bang her son from the future. Oh, it was great for the kids. It was wonderful. Oh, the 80s. How old are you now?

48. What do you think your 60-year-old self would tell your current self? Buy some apartment buildings. Buy some apartment buildings. Yes, because you're going to be... No, I want to do stuff like that because I want to, when I'm 70, I want to leave if I want to. I probably won't because I love doing it so much, but I don't want to be that guy in that

mustard stain tuxedo suit just still, you know, as the numbers start going down the back nine. And I'm like, oh, you have things to say, you know, and just people going like, Oh, I saw him in front of like three people. It was sad. There was a, there was a donut making sheet machine in the back. I go back to those gigs. So I would like to, uh, not go out and, you know, I'm doing real well. I'm making great money.

I would like to not go out and buy a bunch of dumb, shiny shit. I would like to buy shit like assets. So I have money. I would like to not go out and buy a bunch of dumb, shiny shit. I would like to buy shit like assets. So I have money. So my, my next goal, the same way I did the thing where I never got sucked so far into this business where I had to apologize. If I was, even if I wasn't sorry, I, um, I now want to get the money that I'm making this business to make money outside of the business. So, cause eventually this business is done with you. Yeah. It just is. And you have to really, you got to deal with that shit. So like,

I would just love to be, to be honest with you, man, if I could just, you know, making a decent amount of money off of shit like that. Yeah. I just always picture myself just sitting on the back porch,

you know, with a dog, not giving a shit, smoking a cigar. Like that's how I want to, I would still do stuff. Oh, they don't mess them up with global warming. If you can still make a great one,

it'd definitely be a Cuban. Probably a Robusto, the Cohibas I like. I like the Partagas. I just smoked one recently. I don't even know the name of it. It was one of the sickest cigars I've ever smoked, but it was like a two-hour smoke. I absolutely love cigars,

but there is a thing amongst cigar smokers where if someone comes nosing around, if you bust out a box of cigars at a party, all these fucking phonies will come up. Oh, yeah, you smoke cigars? Oh, yeah, I smoke cigars. And you'll learn this one time. You'll give out your cigars to them,

and then what kills you is you'll look over like a half hour later, and the thing's like halfway smoked, and they already ashed the thing out. They just snubbed the thing out. And I learned that. So I got a buddy, Bobby Kelly. I shouldn't out him here. I shouldn't have said his name. That's all right.

Fix it in post. He has two humidor's. He's got the real shit, and then he's got his bullshit. So somebody comes over and be like, so he just, yeah, you like cigars? Oh, yeah. What kind? What kind do you like? And if they're just saying bullshit, I got one for you. I got one. I wanted a carnival. Here you go. Oh, that's great. So but I really like smoking a cigar is a sacred thing to me. Like if I have a great cigar, like sometimes if there's no place to smoke, I will not smoke it. Like, I'm not going to be

this asshole. These fucking, a couple of my friends, they're animals. They'll stand next to a dumpster like, you see, not as, cigarette smokers are animals. They're like, they're on the shit, right? So they'll be in an alley, they don't care. Fucking rat running by, they're out there smoking, catching pneumonia. They're animals.

Cigar smoking is a gentleman thing. It's like, really, it's an adult thing. And so it's just like, I want to be with people that I love telling stories, hanging out, and like, the right everything. And even if you're doing it by yourself, it's like, you have to have, I'm never doing this, like, well, can I, can I smoke it before? Blah, blah, blah. It's like, I would just want to have nothing. And I just sit there and that great guy thing that my wife cannot understand is just being able to be a guy and just be not thinking about shit and just be sitting there and just enjoying yourself. So next question is from Sharpie sharp. Uh, I would like to see that birth certificate. This is from Facebook.

What's the best heckle that's been thrown your way? Or most memorable? There's too many, man. All right. We'll go around. We'll go around the... All right. When I was Black Room, best one I ever got.

I was bombing at this place. It used to be called Mixed Nuts. It's now called the Comedy Union. And I was up there. And, dude, when I tell you five minutes of straight silence, dry mouth, nothing, and it was the summertime when sound carries, right? And I am just going and going, and it's nothing and nothing. And then just in the middle of one of my jokes, I'm meandering in this long setup for something else that's nothing and nothing. And then just in the middle of one of my jokes, a meandering in this long setup

for something else that's going to bomb. Big black lady in the back, just out loud to nobody, just sort of looked around and was like, I ain't laughed yet. And the whole place exploded laughing. And

I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know I had to address it. I kept trying to do my material and then they were just laughing at me trying to do my, it was fucking humiliating. And then, I don't know. There's one,

I'll tell you the weirdest one I got. I've told this one before. One of the weirdest ones I got. I've told this one before. One of the weirdest ones I got, I was at Dangerfields doing the midnight show, and it was just one of those nights. Everybody was bombing. The place was packed, and nobody was laughing. I remember the guy in front of me, like, he was just bombing so bad, and he was on some show where he played a bartender and he had gotten beaten up. He's like,

oh, did you guys see that movie? He's trying to, you guys see this movie? Blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, yeah, I played the bartender. The, you know, the star of the movie beat the, you know, beat the shit out of me. You guys see that? And then some kid in the back just goes, he should have killed you. So I was like, oh, and that guy walked past me, never even looked at me. He just, when he got off stage, he just had this flop sweat and just walked by me just going, wow. Wow. And then I went on stage immediately bombing. And there was this group of kids in the corner, these white dudes.

And they were just like, just ready for a fight. They were just super fucking hot. That whole, my dad used to beat the shit out of me vibe. And everything I had learned up to that point was like, Bill, don't get into it with them. I heard him talking and I was just don't say anything. Don't say anything. And then finally, I just it's this fucking thing when you're on stage as a comic. You think like this and this is like some sort of like a fucking gun and bullets.

But it isn't. It's just plastic shit. And I just like I finally said, hey, you know what? What's going on over there? What are you guys talking about? And blah, blah, blah. I can't remember what he's saying. And this guy just finally just yelled out.

You know, I had the, he goes, anything, he just yells out. He goes, anything red and on stage is a faggot. Right? And it was the most childish heckle I ever got. This is back when, like, people didn't freak out about that word. You guys are like, oh, my God, what does that say about gay people? This was when straight people used it. It just meant you were an asshole.

And so he said that. I just remembered, like, I didn't know what to do. It was just like it was so fucking childish. But I also knew he was going to, like, beat the shit out of me. So I just went, like, right back into my state, like my act. Like, that's almost like a cooties joke, you know? This right here, the reaction to that is why you can never leave the comedy clubs, by the way.

Like, because that used to be a funny story, but now because of, like, that now gay people said what that word makes us feel like, now everybody, even if you say it and you say that somebody else said it to you, it becomes this weird thing of, like, well, does he advocate what he said? It just becomes all of that. It becomes like context

and all of that shit. So, that's what he said. Just have a few, a handful more questions. You mentioned helicopter parents. Helicopters. Helicopters, yes. Let's talk about helicopters. Alright. How did you, how and why did you get into helicopters? God, you're just running the gamut of everything here. Helicopters, how. Let's talk about helicopters. All right. How and why did you get into helicopters? God, you're just running the gamut of everything here.

Helicopters, how did I get into that? Paranoia of living in California. Living in the L.A. basin. Enough conspiracy theory about nothing being behind the dollar. Robots coming and all that type of shit. And this place became really claustrophobic. I was just like, how the hell would I ever get out of here when this shit hits the fan? robots coming and all that type of shit. And this place became really claustrophobic, where I was just like, how the hell would I ever get out of here?

When the shit hits the fan, how do you get out of here? Like, even when it's working well, it still takes three hours just to get out of here. Forget about some Armageddon shit. And I just thought, you know, up and out. That's the way to go. Learn how to fly a helicopter. And when the zombies come, you just start it up and you just fly out. By the way,

that does not work. If you ever see that in the movies where you just start the thing up and you fly out like that, I mean, you can do that, but you're going to fuck it up. They got like belts and stuff. They got to let those things stretch. You got to let the engine heat up and all that. So anytime you see Rambo and those guys

just jumping in like it's a Camaro. And you just... If zombies were coming, I would definitely do that shit. But I'd be going... Please don't let the belt snap. Then you just nose it down into one of those fucks. Take one with you. I'm just imagining the visual.

Just like a lawnmower just taking out zombies. Do you have other preparations? Now, this is spoken to someone, so people think this is crazy. So in San Francisco and then in New York, I got really into, at one one point went off the deep end with prepping stuff, like got really into it, like going to canneries for LDS. You guys can look it up. You can really go down the rabbit hole and some of you will spin out and get tied up in a straight jacket. But I, and I was being kind of lectured at how unreasonable it was and how silly it was that I was getting water and gathering food and all this stuff, just in case we had a disaster that took us

off the grid for seven days or more at SF, which happens fairly regularly. And some editors were kind of making fun of me because I was writing at the time. And then Hurricane Sandy hit New York, and lo and behold, nobody was prepared, right? So do you have, besides the helicopter, do you have other preparations? Nope. No. And I don't own a helicopter either.

So it's pretty fucking useless. No, what it was was I went down that rabbit hole and you got to get gold coins and you got to get this powdered food and all that type of stuff. And then somewhere along the line, I was just like, do I really want to survive this? Do I really want to see what's next? Or do I want to be one of the people that dies? And I realized, no, I want to be one of the people that dies. JFK said it, the living will envy the dead. And it's true.

I don't want to start over again. Some whole new society. I remember doing, I used to do a bit on that. Somebody just picking up a rake like, these are the new rules. And you're just all gathering around with your burlap shirt with the string tied around it. I know. Like, I remember when the, uh, that fat dude who was running

North Korea, right? The boss's son, who was trying way too hard to show that he's a badass, was saying he was gonna, he had missiles aimed at L.A. and everyone was panicking. I was like, perfect, man. I hope it's right at my house. Right at my house. And I hope I'm watching the UFC or Football Sunday. Just sitting there.

Just vaporized. Who you don't want to be is the people up in Bakersfield. Just outside of it, you still get the radiation with the boils and shit. You're trying to, your teeth are falling out. Fuck that. Trying to figure out how to catch squirrels. I have no desire to do any of that. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thanks for having me on, man. Thanks very much. Have a great time. Have a great time. Thank you.

All right. Thanks. Hey, guys. This is Tim again. Just a few more things before you take off. All right. before the weekend. And Five Bullet Friday is a very short email where I share the coolest things I've found or that I've been pondering over the week. That could include favorite new albums that I've discovered. It could include gizmos and gadgets and all sorts of weird shit that I've somehow dug up in the world of the esoteric as I do. It could include favorite articles that I've read and that I've shared with my close friends, for instance. And it's very short. It's just a little tiny bite of goodness before you head off for the weekend.

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