The Toast - S3 Ep97: Flames Emoji: Wednesday, May 27th, 2020

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Alex Cooper Releases First Solo Episode of Call Her Daddy Hailey & Justin Bieber Ticket At Doctor's TikTok... Threaten To Sue Over Plastic Surgery Claims (TMZ) Woman Fired After Calling Police on Black Man Who Asked Her to Leash Her Dog (PEOPLE) HBO Max Launches With Harry Potter Film Library (The Hollywood Reporter) Coronavirus: The Bolivian orchestra stranded in a German castle (BBC via Need 2 Know) Dear Toasters Advice Segment The Morning Toast with Claudia (@girlwithnojob) and Jackie Oshry (@jackieoproblems) Merch: https://shopmorningtoast.com/ The Morning Toast Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/themorningtoastSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Good morning, Millennials! Welcome back to the Morning Toast. It is a beautiful Wednesday here in New York City. Hey, Claude! H-Y-D! Hey, Jax! I'm feeling good. Happy Hump Day to everyone! Make sure to hump someone you love, whether that's your partner, your significant other, or just your dog. I already humped Theo this morning, so I'm way ahead of schedule. Oh, wow. Speaking of Humday, where is Theo? Oh, my. He's far. He usually likes to watch the action, but he's just not interested in the show anymore. Well, if you want your heart to die, last night

we were watching Handmaid's Tale, which I have to talk about. I watched some of the most fucked up episodes. I couldn't, like, it was just awful. And he hopped off the bed, like, and he was dead asleep and it was so weird. And he jumped into the love sack and, like, spent the majority of the night there. I mean, he just loves the sack. He puts the love in love sack. So true.

Wow, that is so cute. Also, just on the subject of Theo, not really a great segue, we recorded a Patreon episode yesterday, me and Claudia, and it might go down as our strangest yet funniest episode of all time. I'm going to post it later today, but it was, we could not stop laughing. And I don't know if it was because it was the first time we recorded an episode together in person in the longest time. And we were just like feeding off of each other's energy.

But oh my God, we were legit like peeing, sweating, crying. And it's so funny. so head over to patreon.com slash morning toast it'll be up like right after this episode most of um the episode is just both of us like wheezing into the microphone so i actually think people will enjoy it it was so random the theme of the episode was we tried to follow in the footsteps of our you know fellow youtuber john krasinski and do like a good news themed episode where we reported the past five good news stories of quarantine and it was just like the thing about good news is that it's always good but it's not necessarily interesting so there's not much to say

when like somebody does a nice thing it's very sad but it's like it's just not nearly as interesting as like something salacious so jackie and i for like the first 10 minutes were just like reporting on these stories like so nonsensically and And then once we realized like what we weren't even speaking words, like it just turned out to be so funny. I really feel like you guys will enjoy it. It was one of my favorite episodes to record in a really long time. Yeah. But also because we got to record it together, which I just missed that magic. But speaking of magic, yesterday's episode of the morning toast just like got me through the day yesterday. It's been a long time since I've just been so proud of a show that we've done where it's just like I can point to multiple moments that I think back and laugh about. And I don't know what was in the water yesterday, but it was such a funny episode and it really just made me laugh. Now that you brought it up, I think that we have to address the major elephant in the room which is the comma oh my god okay we need to address the comma i called claudia yesterday

because i saw that she put a comment in her instagram bio and that was not what we had discussed she also put a period which we had discussed and decided you were going to leave it open-ended so you just went completely off book also when i went to screenshot it to post it on the morning toast instagram it just looked a little unfinished. So I Googled the phrase just to see if they're usually a period. Like I just wanted to see what the intellects were saying. And on brainyquote.com, which is a very reliable website, it said, law is reason, comma, free from passion, period. So I copied brainy quote and everyone was making fun of my grammatical vibe. And I'm sorry that I'm an intellect. Okay. Two things are happening here.

One, you are a comma abuser. And so when I first saw the comma, I was just like, oh my God, she's just dropping commas left and right. What is she doing? I abuse commas. I take that. I'm not denying that. I fully don't know proper grammar and i just like put a comma whenever i feel like i should breathe and the other thing is that yes perhaps the exact aristotle quote is law is reason free from passion but you were quoting legally blonde quoting aristotle and that one goes the law is reason free from passion i guess that that's true. Should I take it out? Yes, and it should be the law. Because otherwise people don't know that you're, they think you're actually quoting Aristotle.

When they see that, they don't think of Professor Stromwell. But if they see the- Are you telling me that the creators of Legally Blonde didn't use Brainy Quote? Like, there's no the. No, they were taking their own creative liberties, even though, like, the law is reason free from passion. Oh, I took out the comma yesterday.

I guess I, like, fell into the peer pressure, but I'm leaving the period. Okay, but can you put the in front of law? Because that's the quote that's on the blackboard in Weekly Bond. I just did. The law is reason free from passion. Love it. So if you want to go to my Instagram,

take a look at my Instagram bio, and then click the link in my bio and pre-order my comedy special disgraced queen now available for pre-order on iTunes. It will be available on a few other platforms afterwards, but make sure to get your pre-order and to support a burgeoning comedian. Thank you so much. Love you. Have a great day.

Blessed. Do I look tan today? I've been working on my tan. Your shoulders. I've been using tan lux because my skin was turning green in quarantine. So I've been doing like gradual self tanning every day. And I think that I'm getting tan. I've been doing it as well. I've been on the, this is not an ad. Jackie and I both, I bought the tan lux drops and then I hooked it up for

me and Jackie. I got us both the full line of products and I've been doing the face for most of quarantine. And it's the only thing keeping me looking like I'm more soul of a human being. But now that I got the full products, I did my legs last night. I finally shaved my legs. Wow. Yeah. No, I'm, I'm really like dedicating some time to my body and soul and I feel really good about it.

Like I've been tanning just everything and I feel like you can sort of tell. You can. It's only day two. Yeah. Yesterday when you asked me if you look tan, like I, you didn't, but you actually do look tan today. Yeah. Well I felt tan, you know, so that counts. Tan is definitely more of a feeling than like a visual thing. Yeah. Like I felt like I was just like walking around, like I had a fresh spray tan on, but meanwhile, no. Oh, I'm so dramatic. Like I put the stuff on my legs and I get into bed was just like walking around like I had a fresh spray tan on. But meanwhile, no. Oh, I'm so dramatic. Like I put the stuff on my legs and I get into bed and I like sprawl out. I'm like, Ben, don't touch me.

Yeah, no, totally. But no, it hasn't seen my sheets, honestly. When I got the tan lux box, a lot of people were asking me to do reviews and stuff. And this is like my review. It's fabulous. Definitely get it. I'm obsessed and it doesn't smell and it doesn't stain your sheets. Not an ad.

I wore makeup all day yesterday. Like I just didn't take the makeup off. Like I worked all day in my bed with a face of makeup on just because I didn't want to let like my morning of hard work go to waste. And I have a few fresh pimples. You can't really see it on the screen, but I'm pretty excited about it. It's just something different. Oh, that's exciting. I thought you were going to be upset and then be like, darn you, makeup. No, it's like proof that like I'm still human. Do you know what I mean? Like all the orifices are working. Like sometimes when you lay in bed for days at a time, you just feel like nothing. Yeah.

Like a robot. Yeah. So, of course, Jackie and I are going to deliver the Fast Five. We are also doing Dear Toasters because it is our weekly advice segment. Today's Wednesday. So if you ever want to write in, you can write in to deertoasters at gmail.com. We will always keep it anonymous. And we cover anything from quarantine quarrels to whatever.

Whatever you got for us. We'll take what you can get. And then we also have a new segment today, which I am so fucking excited about. Yeah, we'll share it when we get there. Like it's going to be a treat waiting for you after the past five. Yeah. And it was an idea. I just have to say, um, that happened so naturally on the Patreon episode. Like we were just talking. That's why I'm really excited for everyone to hear this, like pretty much irrelevant Patreon episode, but it's so important. No, it's so irrelevant. Like your life will be completely the same, but you will just have like,

I think it's a short one too. It's like 32 minutes of just like pure energy, laughter, joy. Like I'm pretty sure. And if you hear any silences ever, it's because we're fucking wheezing because we're silent laughers. Wheeze city. Yeah, totally. Okay.

I think we should get right into it. I have like one more thing to say, but it has escaped my mind. So without further ado, it is time for the Fast Five Stories that you need to know before you wake up and take a bite out of your morning toast. Oh no, she's frozen again.

I feel like she has something to say and I don't know if she's going to get a chance to say it because she's frozen. She's frozen in a funny position too. Something to say. Can you hear me? Now I have something to say. Now we can hear you.

I have something to say. Oh God, now we can hear you. You were frozen. I know. I realized that. I couldn't hear you the whole time and it must have been delayed. So don't yell at me.

I have something to say. Please. Actually, I realize that. I could hear you the whole time, and it must have been delayed, so don't yell at me. I have something to say. Please. Actually, I take that back. I think you have something to say, and I think you actually might want to sing it. Wait, I have a few things that I like to sing, so do I want to rap it or do I want to sing it? I think you want to rap it. He just took a DNA test, Turns out he's 100% Russian. Even when he's fleeing countries.

Yeah, he's got heart problems. That's a puppy in him. Bling bling. Then he solves them. That's a doctor in me. Could have had a bad tig. Non-committal. Helped you with your welfare.

Just a little. You used to hold him down. And now you're holding him back. And that's the sound of his wolfiness leading the pack Why Tig's great till he gotta be great Don't text him, tell it straight to his face Best friend sat him down in the salon chair He needs to be groomed, it's been three months in the queue

That's it. Mommy's gotta work, but I love him. Hi, little man boy. What Jackie was trying to say, but maybe you didn't get it. Mommy's got to work, but I love you. Hi, little man boy. What Jackie was trying to say, but maybe you didn't get it. Today's episode is brought to you by Embark Vet. Whew, I'm out of breath. Give me a minute. You?

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Okay, first story. The big story of the week is slowly coming to an end. Alex Cooper released her first solo episode of Call Her Daddy, Single Father, called The Funeral, where she explains what the show's going to be, what she's been up to. She talks a little bit about the drama in the beginning and just sort of more about her stance on it, talks about new formats for the show. And then she does Q&A where she talks more about Sophia and Suitman and kind of actually drags them, which she hadn't done up until this point.

But there were some harsh words in that. But the first episode is here and she's going it alone. Yeah. I feel like before this episode, I had faith that maybe it wasn't the great divide. Maybe they didn't despise each other. Maybe they could, in year, like make some sort of reunion. I don't know. But after the podcast, which I listened to bits of, I just didn't listen to the whole thing, but it's clear that she said some,

some unkind things about Sophia. So it's, I don't think there'll be any sort of reunion anytime soon. No, I don't think so at all. I listened to the whole thing. There was some new information, but more so stuff just about like how their relationship has been deteriorating for a while now.

It wasn't like they both went up to Dave's roof like best friend, so excited, blah, blah, blah. And then it just split from there. Like there was a lot of stuff brewing under the surface that eventually came to a head. So this was going to happen at some point somehow. There was a lot of just like resentment and stuff going on. And now that's why we're at where we're at. She did a good job. I think her next episode, she's going to have Dave on. I imagine they're going to talk about this some more, but I do think it's time to move on. Yeah, no. And like you have

to, the show has to exist outside of this drama because it's not going to last forever and it is a new show now it's very very hard to host a podcast by yourself like I think I am the funniest most charismatic person in the world and I couldn't do it like it's so hard so I look forward to seeing what like the actual podcast is not the podcast that's just recapping the drama which I'm living for because the drama is you know everything of the sort yeah she said that they're going to do a new segment um where they bring on in quarantine it'll be via phone interview but they're going to bring on like members of the daddy gang to like participate and like tell

their story or whatever and just like sort of vibe with Alex and you never know like where things might go and who might be her like one of those people could be her next co-host but it seems like she's really invested in the Daddy Gang community honestly the way she was talking about it I felt like I was listening to a description of like Camp Toast and the Toasters like I completely understand her love for the community and just like what they do offline and I completely fucking get it yeah wait when you said she's bringing on members of the Daddy Gang I I'm like, damn, that sounds terrible. But now that I think about it, the girls who are obsessed with Daddy Gang and who would opt to go on probably have the craziest stories from college. I could never go on. I would literally have nothing to say. But now that I think about it, it actually sounds like a

great segment. Yeah. No, people have wild stories and I'm sure their listeners are so interesting just like them. So I think it'll be interesting and that's a good way to, you know, mix it up because you can't always do an hour alone. Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, it really just makes me think like how grateful I am that we're sisters. Like, obviously I love you, but I'm just a very like inherently jealous person. And if I had had like a business with someone who I didn't really owe anything to other

than friendship, like, I don't know, I can't imagine I wouldn't just be looking out for myself all the time. And I would have found myself in a situation like this. Like that's just me, but I can't do anything to you because you're my sister. Yeah. It really is interesting. So now I try and think about like duos who are just friends who aren't family, who aren't even coworkers where it's just like, family who aren't even coworkers where it's just like, like, you know, there's a clear line. Um, how can anyone even make it work? Like, I mean, if you have a relatively like unremarkable show, I don't think it's that hard, but there, and there aren't so many duos who become major stars in, in podcasting,

but in anything else like in work. Um, so I think it really only becomes like dicey. It's very Josie and the pussycat dolls, you you know like they were a trio and then they weren't yeah that's true i guess when you hit that level of fame so quickly like it's hard to make sure everyone like feels good about everything um but now that i think about it in like a podcasting world there's so many duos like that do fine that are you know who i think is a great example is like becca tilly and tanya rad they're very successful and but they just have like so much love and respect for each other i don't and also by the way they work for a media company it's actually quite similar because their

show is i heart radio but i heart radio i think is a little bit more buttoned up contractually than barstool so like i think the barstool environment thrives off these kind of moments in the media, and they almost even encourage it. So I don't think it could ever happen for like a Beccatilly and a Tonya Ratt. Yeah, it just wouldn't be so publicly, but there might be like private drama. Yeah, but they work great together. Yeah, they do. So it can be done. I just, I think there were a lot of different factors that made just this like a perfect storm. Like Alex really goes into like the history of Sophia and Suitman's relationship and like how from the beginning, like she found him to be very

controlling. And then like once they were in a relationship, Alex felt like it was her and Suitman who were call her daddy. Like Sophia was always just like saying what suit man said so like Alex's partner is now suit man and she does not know this man and that was frustrating for her so um I could see how that's frustrating but also if I was your friend and like I confided in you about stuff about my boyfriend and then you like even if we're fighting like you put that on air like that would actually really upset me of course I didn't think about that because I'm sure they're roommates like they know everything about each other so this is like they have ammo on each other beyond just what happened in the deal. Yeah and I'm sure there's so much more I'm sure there's stuff Alex

didn't say I'm sure there's stuff that maybe Sophia could say but won't say I don't know where they're even going to draw the line in terms of messiness but um last night was really the first the podcast like she really sort of just turned and but it also requires an explanation you know this man was in your guys's lives for a year did he just wake up one day and say i think i'll own call her daddy today yeah and the answer to that is no i would agree no yeah like the wheels have been in motion for a while. Well, I'm just curious to see where this goes. Yeah, me too, but I'm glad the show's back on track, back on the air.

And I wish her the best of luck. Truly. Women supporting women podcast hosts. You got this, girlfriend. You can call us if you need any advice. Totally. Okay, next story. A little legal news. Haley and Justin Bieber are

threatening to sue a plastic surgeon over surgery claims. A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's blowing up on TikTok after posting a video suggesting Haley Bieber's had some work done on her face, but now it's got him in legal hot water with Haley and Justin. Dr. Daniel Barrett's been hit with a cease and desist letter by the couple's lawyers, who claim he's using Hailey's name, image, and likeness in his video without permission to advertise his practice and spread false, uncorroborated claims that Mrs. Bieber has undergone plastic surgery. On top of that, Barrett's being accused of copyright infringement for his use of lyrics from Justin's song, Sorry, in the caption. Damn, they are going in. Yeah, they're like going in on this random doctor and while i do think like doctors who use tiktok to like promote their practice and then like take

down celebrities like this whole thing's fucked up but at the end of the day i don't know if it's necessarily illegal there used to be a segment not a segment um like a series in one of those tabloid magazines like in touch people where they had like prominent beverly hills la doctors taking pictures of celebrities and being like this is what she got a nose lift according to dr nizardan or whatever yeah she got a nose lift filler there's the line for the facelift like technically you don't fucking know that but i don't know if this is necessarily illegal yeah well we'll find out mean, it's interesting that they're even spending their time on this, but I understand it's frustrating, like, to just putting, you know, the kibosh on it for once and for all. Yeah, and I can't say that if I didn't have the money and resources that Justin

Bieber and Hailey Bieber have, like, I wouldn't just be petty as fuck. Yeah, I don't know if I would be. Seems like there's better ways to spend your money, but maybe they petty as fuck yeah i don't know if i would be seems like there's better ways to spend your money but maybe they're just trying i don't know for some reason maybe this just really bothers them maybe she really hasn't had any surgery and like wants to prove to the world who always says she has surgery did you say she has surgery maybe they do i just don't care like i think she's beautiful and if she achieved that face with the surgery, like, cool. Like, that doesn't change that for me. What is with the surgery shaming?

Cool. Give me the name of the doctor. Yes, please. I will take a referral code. Yeah, for sure. This is just, like, weird and random. And I don't, I mean, I don't know the law. But I do know that the law is reason free from passion.

But I don't know the specific California law. And I don't know if law, but I do know that the law is reason-free from passion, but I don't know the specific California law, and I don't know if this is considered illegal. Yeah, but this does feel like passion, and so if it's reason-free from passion, then I don't think this will hold up in court. Yeah, that's like the formula. Yeah, so spoiler alert. That's the thing about the law, though.

It's so reason free from passion. Yeah. Okay. This next story is so infuriating. Not the outcome, the video itself. A lot of people have probably seen it, but a woman who was in a park with her dog, not on a leash, who calls 911

and says that there's a black man threatening her. If you haven't seen the video, like, I want you to watch it just so you know what we're talking about, but it's so uncomfortable and it's very disturbing. Yeah. But update, Amy Cooper, the white woman in a recent viral video seen calling the police on a black man who asked her to leash her dog in a wooded area of New York City's Central Park,

has been fired from her job. Franklin Templeton Investments, an asset management firm, announced its decision to terminate Amy on Tuesday, just one day after footage spread across social media that showed her berate Christian Cooper, an unrelated black man who was birdwatching in the area, and who told her to put a leash on her dog because her dog wasn't on a leash and your dogs need to be leashed. There's a big sign in the park. Yeah, no, there are certain areas where I think you can take your dog off a leash but i don't i hate seeing

dogs off their leash like it just like this it's anarchy you know like we were talking leash we're outside like when they're inside they get off the leash like i just don't get it so this woman was like so nasty and the videos just really i don't know what other word to use other than disturbing like what like literally she's standing 10 feet away from the guy and she's on the phone with the police saying this black man's threatening my life. Like he literally couldn't be further from you. It was just like, it's very disturbing. And I'm, oh, and another update in the story. What was also really disturbing about the video

was that she's like manhandling her dog by the collar around his neck, like literally choking him. She's like so- Why the dog is like crying and squirming and yelping. She doesn't even realize she's fucking choking her dog while she's like trying to protect the right like crying and squirming and yelping she doesn't even realize she's fucking choking her dog while she's like trying to protect the right for him to not be on a leash and she's choking him just put him on a leash you don't want to choke she surrendered the dog to a local shelter after much outrage whoa yeah so i can't stress enough like how anti-cancel culture I am, but every now and then, there is just a certain je ne sais quoi,

like a certain situation that just requires it. Yeah, like this woman was just committing a bevy of disturbing crimes in one video, and it's not even like she's a celebrity. So this is the way she acts in her regular life, and it happened to go viral. Thank God, because maybe she'll change her behavior. Like, everything she was doing in this video, it's so fucked up. Jackie, this is the way she acts when she's knowingly being filmed. Yeah, she thinks she's in the right.

Right, and she's so, like, grounded in her beliefs, and, like, she knows she's on camera. Yeah. So that's her filtered down version yeah no this woman is nothing of the sort i have to say she's been chided i hope that all this backlash will make her realize like she's completely in the wrong she needs to rethink who she is and what she's doing she needs to rethink who the fuck she is. She's been also like releasing statements as she spoke to CNN. And it's strange because they're very well written. I don't think

she has a publicist. I think she's like a, like maybe an, like a educated person. So I just can't, I don't understand how you can just like work at a finance, like you can work your way up and just like also be so dumb. Yeah. She said it was unacceptable and you know, words are just words and I can't undo what I did but I sincerely and humbly apologize to everyone especially to that man and his family. Wench. Wenchy vibe. Okay. The vibes are so wenchy. Yeah, are you ready for our next story? It's just some exciting streaming news in the queue because hbl max launched today hbl max launched today they have had a truly fabulous rollout of advertisements i was walking

thea yesterday and they keep doing these ads where they're like comparing types of content that they have so they had an old movie i'm gonna mess it up i don't know what it was it was giving me gone with the wind vibes um and then oscar the grouch And they were like, this one has eight Oscars and this has one. Oh, you know what? I saw that ad too. And I was confused because I thought it said HBO Max, you've got eight Oscars and one Oscar. I'm like, you only have eight movies that have Oscars. No, no. So I think it was like that one movie they were showing, whatever. They're just like doing great. Yeah, you're right. I'm excited. I mean, I have said I was going to subscribe subscribe i have a brand new apple tv that has truly changed the course of my life and i'm downloading that shit asap also a little good news for ben is that harry

potter has been added to the library the full catalog of movies so that's how you could like persuade him be like i got this for us i will be sure to not tell him that because he will make me watch it. It's good. Like there's worse things he could watch. Not really. Not for us. Oh, you know, not that it's a new story, but JK Rowling did announce another book. It's like a whole new series. Oh, wow. Good for her. Yeah.

I'm happy for her know that i am okay well congrats to the hbo max family um looking forward to more content all the time yeah no i i really needed this i'm very excited i hope it doesn't flop like i don't think it will can you get um like if you pay for HBO do you get a subscription or it's like totally different and separate oh it's so confusing my newsletter was trying to explain today like everyone's on a different level and there's like it's really confusing there's a website that kind of breaks it down like if you get if you pay for this you get it if you don't like I don't right because I was downloading all the new apps from my new Apple TV and I downloaded HBO and tv and i downloaded hbo and i

guess i downloaded hbo now and i was trying to log in with like my cable and it wouldn't let me then you had to go to hbo go like there's so many hbo go hbo now hbo max and then like hbo yeah there's a lot they need to consolidate and i guess that's what hbo max is oh i don't know that actually makes sense they. They should. That should be what it is, but it probably isn't. Okay. This next story is kind of strange, but I just thought it was interesting. And we just want to hear your opinion. The Bolivian Orchestra has been stranded in a German castle for entire quarantine.

Lovely. German castle for entire quarantine. So when quarantine started, the Bolivia orchestra group was inside the 600 year old castle in Germany. And now they've been there for three months. Now they arrived just before the country went into lockdown and closed its borders. The group of musicians has been keeping busy practicing their instruments as they stroll the grounds of Reinsberg palace outside Berlin, which is believed by some to be haunted by the ghost of Sneetches Pass.

No, the ghost of Frederick the Great, and is also surrounded by dozens of packs of wolves. So this orchestra is stranded in the haunted castle, and that just sounds like so much fun. It's so beautiful. Yeah. I mean, it's bucolic for sure. And, you know, I don't know what's better, be stranded in a haunted castle or like shacked

up in your tiny apartment. Am I supposed to feel bad for these people? What's the point of the story? No, it's just like interesting that they got stranded in a castle and they're still there. A lot of people who got stranded in the beginning, like whether they were on vacation, I remember that article about that couple who like was on their honeymoon. They were like, okay, we'll just like ride out here. And then it turned out to be like weeks and they like were the only ones left and they had to get home and they got home.

But this orchestra has not gotten home. Well, I have questions on the logistics of getting stranded. Like let's say you're at a hotel or you're like renting a home and you literally can't leave. Do you still have to pay per night pay per night yeah well that's ideal for the homeowner yeah it is so but what if you can't what if you can't afford it it well then you need to leave like with all of the lockdowns they gave a little bit of warning even if it was just like 12 hours that you got a GTFO. Yeah. And some people just made the decision to stay where they were. Yeah.

Like Kristen Cavallari and our favorite girl, Kelly Ripa. Oh, of course. Of course. So I just feel like that would be like a cool place to be with an orchestra and a castle. It's like so beauty and the beast. It's a tale as old as time.

Where's the castle? Belgium. Yeah. I mean, the movies that are going to come out of quarantine, like different stories, heroic moments, like I'm looking forward to the content for sure. It's Berlin, sorry. Not Belgium.

Oh, Berlin. It's in Germany. I went to Berlin once. Not my favorite city. I went to Berlin once and I did not feel safe. I went to New York once in 1981 and I just did not feel safe. I went to New York once in 1981 and I just did not feel safe. I married the wrong woman

and now I lead a life of regret. I love that movie, Ted. Actually, you know what? I'm going to watch that movie. I haven't seen it in a while. It's so fucking good. If you guys don't know what the scene we're talking about, it's when they go to the aquarium

and they start mimicking what the fish are thinking and it's just so funny. It's so funny. There are so many classic moments in Ted 1 and 2. Was there a Ted 3 or we're like, we're still championing that concept? We're championing it. But like Ted 2 was just a disappointment for me personally. Oh, I totally disagree. Did I ever tell you I met Seth McFarlane and it took like everything inside me not to tell him to make Ted 3? Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know that you met him i don't know if he knew that like he was standing across from a girl who was like his

actual number one fan i know it's probably best that he didn't but we'll always know yeah we'll always have ted we will always have ted i love ted and it's the type of movie that you need to watch you need a long amount of time in between watching it because you want to like forget the joke so you can be re laughed you know um is that the past five that's the past five they were pretty fast and there were five of them so before we jump into dear toasters which is our advice segment we are going to introduce a brand new segment that was birthed from an idea we spoke about earlier this week about, you know, the whole, the whole industry of mindless news specifically surrounding one person. Her name is Kelly Ripa. So I think Jackie

has a little, um, jingle she'd like to sing. Oh yes. Now it is time for Kelly's mindless news. That is not what we agreed on. Okay. I don't remember. I have to listen to the I have to listen to the Patreon episode because we came up with a jingle for it. Kelly's mindless news. If you ever need a reminder, it sounds like Becky G's shower. Like the

4th of July. Kelly's mindless news. My ears hurt. Kelly's mindless news. hurt kelly's mindless snooze like the fourth of july oh pretty good yeah they're exactly the same it has nothing to do with shower kelly's mindless snooze like the fourth of july are you not hearing it? It's not the song. You light me up inside like the 4th of July. Kelly's mindless snooze. Are you really telling me you don't hear the similarities?

Wow, so sad. You have no musical talent. Oh my God, this is like painful. Kelly's mindless snooze like the 4th of July. But now you're singing it like the song. Jackie, I'm telling you I heard something. But by the way, this was it. It's Kelly's Mindless News.

Kelly's Mindless News like the 4th of July. Kelly's Mindless News. Just share the fucking Mindless News with us. Okay, in today's segment. My mind is too full and I need it to be mindless. All right, well, here you go. In today's episode, Kelly's Mindless News is from the Daily Mail. Thank you, Daily Mail.

I don't know how I would survive without knowing that Kelly Ripa revealed she has been covering up a stye in her eye for four weeks as she jokes she deserves Emmy for special effects makeup. Okay, like that. Kelly Ripa has confessed she'd been suffering jokes she deserves Emmy for special effects makeup. Okay, like that. Rekha has confessed she'd been suffering with a stubborn stye in her eye during quarantine. The TV host revealed her issue on Tuesday's episode of Live with Ryan and Kelly, where she joked she deserves an Emmy for makeup special effects after covering up the infection for four weeks.

While discussing their primetime Emmy nominations, the 49-year-old said, I also deserve a special Emmy. Oh, she's, oh my God. She's so obnoxious. I guess Emmy nominations came out and they got a bunch and Kelly said that she deserves one for the Emmy for the special effects. Like she's like, I don't know who got nominated, maybe like best director, like all the people who work hard and she's like saying she deserves one. Oh my God. I can't like, honestly, of the kelly's mindless news that we can report on like her having a sty is kind of

crazy um because just because like styes are crazy to me um but i my i feel like completely mindless yeah and i don't want you to worry and i don't want anyone at the you know listening this listening to this at home to worry because she explained she's been using warm compresses and ointment on the lump. Don't worry. She's all over it. Even though she says those haven't been working, I have a faith that she will find a regimen that works. And that when she does, she will share it with us and we'll be reading it in People Magazine on the cover. Also, four weeks is a long time to have a stye, no? It's definitely unhealthy. i actually have had styes my whole life they're just so annoying they're not necessarily painful but more just like the biggest annoyance they are

painful they can be really painful when i get them it's not like i feel like a throbbing it's like i feel like my eyelid is just like heavy yeah that makes sense oh my god my doorbell just rang that's great do you want to go get it? No, no, no, it's okay. Okay, well, that was Kelly's mindless... People are probably like, you're just leaving someone at the door. No, it's probably just my... They drop off packages

and then they ring the doorbell. Well, thank you guys for tuning in to Kelly's Mindless News. And now for Dear Toasters. Is there anything else? Do you want to recap anything before we move into our final segment, Dear Toasters? No, what I had wanted to say to recap anything before we move into our final segment, Dear Toasters?

No, what I had wanted to say was that it's crazy that the Vanderpump Rules reunion was not on last night. Instead, it was a Secrets Revealed episode. So I just got to read my book, which I was glad about. But like, since when do we just skip a week for no reason? It was yesterday a holiday I didn't know about. Maybe they just needed more time to edit together than 19 Zooms.

Maybe. That would be 19 Zooms. Maybe. That would be crazy, though. Yeah. Well, these are unprecedented times, Jackie. Yeah, you're right. Okay, dear toasters. Dear Claudia and Jackie, I want to start by saying I love you. Listening to your show every day gets me through,

and it keeps me sane. Thank you. My family has a farm a few hours outside of the city I live in, and I've been hiding out there until life returns to normalcy. The only thing is I feel like maybe I don't even want to return to my life after this. Oh, my God, I totally feel you. I have good friends, a decent job, a nice apartment, social life, et cetera, but all this downtime has really got me thinking that I might be ready to leave it all behind

and start a new adventure. I don't enjoy texting, calling these friends. It's turned into kind of a chore, and I'm scared I'd realize that I don't actually like them. I'm not even really looking forward to going out or returning to the activities I thought I once enjoyed. In fact, I think I might dread that when it happens. Is this normal or the quarantine talking? Would I be missing my friends slash social life if I genuinely enjoyed it? I can't tell if all this downtime is just making me overthink and go a little nuts or if it's time for me to actually start anew. Sincerely, a confused and isolated toaster. Okay, this is definitely like a big question for you and we

can't necessarily answer it, but I will say that like this pandemic quarantine is really like a once in a lifetime, hopefully, sort of thing. And if this doesn't make you question your life choices, I don't know what will. I do think that you feeling this way, like there is a lot of merit to it. I think a lot of people are questioning a lot of things about their lives because you realize in quarantine the things that are important and that we've been just placing value on things that are unimportant. And if you, and I feel like even for me, like this has really made me realize like I live in the wrong city for myself and it now's the time to make those changes and you can

always blame it on the queue. You know, I think a lot of people are going to be making major changes after this. So if you don't want to like raise a lot of alarm, you just like blame it on the queue. You know, I think a lot of people are going to be making major changes after this. So if you don't want to like raise a lot of alarm, you just like blame it on the queue. You know, I definitely think you should return back and just see if it was the queue talking or if you go back and you really just don't enjoy the things that used to make you happy. I think that if you just were to never come back, like that might be a mistake, but I think go back when everything returns to normal and just see if like the way that you were feeling is more than just the quarantine talking like maybe this is how you actually feel and I feel like a lot of people who like fled their city apartments and like their city life for like a friend or their family's house like it really opened your eyes

I think a lot of people who live in cities are having this kind of breakdown yeah and also a lot of people who live in cities are leaving the city, like not just for quarantine, like permanently or buying second homes. And it's going to be like a big migration out of cities, I think. And you can just be a part of that. And I don't think, I don't think that's strange at all. I think good for you for figuring out where you want to be and where you don't want to be. I agree. And good for you for being in tune with those types of emotions and like leaning into it. Yeah. Okay. That was a good one. Next up. Hi, Claude and Jack. Ooh, we're on a nickname basis. Actually, she wrote Claude's and Jack's. Cute. Multiples. I'm desperately in need of your toasty advice. I'm 23 and live in New York City,

but I've been quarantining with my parents in the suburbs for about two months. Shortly after coming home, it was brought to my attention that my extremely hot neighbor was also home for quarantine. We went to high school together. He's a year older than me, but definitely knows who I am because it's a small town. He's tall, dark, and handsome, and so hot, it's sickening. Naturally, I did a bit of sleuthing. He appears to be single and a recent grad of law school.

Does he know that law is reason free from passion? I mean, he must know that if he graduated. It's the first thing you learn. First day. i don't know how my sister and i let this opportunity pass us living a few houses down from a total babe in high school but my job extended work from home through august so i'm planning to spend the summer upstate and i feel that there is no time like the present to shoot my shot i've added him on instagram i've been talking taking multiple walks a day by his house run by the filthiest run by in the filthiest forever 21

crop top i could find for my childhood closet and we have waved in passing driving by in the car but nothing has come of my lame pursuits i've been at this for a few weeks now and i don't know what to do to get him to notice me and strike up a conversation um what would you guys suggest doing to let him know that i'm admiring from afar i'm very single he's very hot and i'm quite simply at a loss help a very friendly neighbor p.. I love you guys so much. I watch daily and I'd be lost without you guys. Thanks. Thank you. Okay. So this is tough. You've got to get his attention. Following him on Instagram was a good move. Like you could, you know, find something on Instagram to like send him and start a conversation. Like that's kind of

more introverted way to get talking to him. Or like respond to one of his stories. Be like, LOL. Yeah. Or like send him something from like the yard that, you know, the neighbor might find interesting. Or you just like, you go up to him and you talk to him. Like you have to find the right time.

Maybe you need to organize like a little backyard BBQ. That's what I was going to say. Like, you have to find the right time. Maybe you need to organize, like, a little backyard BBQ for a block. That's what I was going to say. Like, a little block party. And this feels like a Hallmark movie. And I can't think of any meet-cutes that aren't, like, Hallmark-y, you know? You could think of it in the setting of Desperate Housewives, because this is something that would happen. Like, you could go and be a Susan,

or you could go and be an Edie to Mike Delfino's house. Show up with, like, a pie and, like like your nipples out. You could do that. That totally works. It works for Edie. Or you can go the Susan route and be like, hey, Mike, I can eat my sink unclogged. Yeah. You could definitely show up with a pie and with your nipples out. And I think that that would like garner some success. But you could also just say you need a plumber, um but you could also just say you need a plumber like both both avenues work um or you have to just have your parents like call his parents and like oh my god no do not do that i think the backyard bbq was the best option like you know it's in new york okay okay less yeah yeah you should have a backyard bbq for like the young people on the block turns out it's just

you your sister and him And may the best woman win. No, we'll show up. So like, it looks like there's more people on the block. Like it wasn't just so intentional, but actually I think I'm too beautiful. Like maybe he would want me. Yeah. We just wouldn't want to distract. Yeah. So you're on your own. I just think you've got to, and you know what? Like everything is temporary. What's the worst that can happen? You know, just put yourself out there. Try and find like a cute situation to finagle, you know what? Like everything is temporary. What's the worst that can happen? You know, just put yourself out there. Try and find like a cute situation to finagle, you know, maybe like are going house to house selling cookies like for charity.

I don't know. Like a Girl Scout. What you should do is like shoot your shot in a major way. And if it blows up in your face, like don't keep quarantining at your parents' house. Yeah. And then you have to come back to the city, change your name, like, get a new haircut, and, like, that's fine. Yeah, we can help you.

Don't worry. Just backyard BBQ, I think, is the best option here. Yeah, and moral of the story is just, is put yourself out there. He's not, like, as much as I'm sure he would be, you know, so happy to be with you, he's also probably just really bored and stuff. And, like, does he have siblings?

He might be bored in the house, and, like, he just would love someone He might be bored in the house and like, he just would love someone to come up to him and try and hang out. Yeah, I agree. All right, third and final. Dude hosters. I love you all so much, but to get right to it, I have a major question about social media use while in a relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four years and we just moved in together. I recently saw a girl comment with the fire emojis on his last post. So of course I went to look at her profile. Never heard of her before. I saw that he likes the majority of her posts and even comments some fire emojis on her pics. I'm sure we all agree that fire emoji means hot, right? Can I ask him who she is or what's up with that? Can we ever ask our boyfriends about fire emoji comments? Also, I obviously hearted her fire emoji comment and I'm tempted to just add her to show that I see the virtual interaction, but hello, don't want to be a weirdo and post fire emojis on someone's post

when they are in a relationship. Or am I the weirdo? Please help. Fire emojis are very strange. I feel like if he's commenting on someone's public profile fire emojis, like there's not probably anything going on, because if there was, they wouldn't be like publicly. But it's just weird.

Like if Ben left a fire emoji i'm like one of like a like a girl my age like a not a celebrity like just a girl's pick i would be like excuse me yeah it would depend on who the person is in relation to my husband like if it's his girlfriend like friend girl i mean that would be like a weird comment but i would just be like, he's having a weird day. But like if it was someone that I never heard about, I would just, I think I would bring it up. Like what, do you think she's hot or like you want to burn it down? Like what is going on? Right.

Do you hate her so much you want to burn the flames of her life? Or do you think she's hot? Because it could, you know what? You can't just assume it's hot. You can't. Yeah, he could be saying like burn this, burn them all. all or he could be saying like let's have a campfire like there's so many things no but like ultimately what he's saying is like this is flames of course and um i think it like what i would do if i saw it if i saw a girl i'm trying to put myself in your situation if i saw a girl that i didn't know, and Zach was, and we're together four years. So like you pretty much know everyone in his life.

Um, and Zach was coming, commenting fire emojis. Yeah. I would be fucking disturbed. No, I would like, I would be mad. And it's just so funny. Like I, if I have like an issue where like Ben does something that like, I don't agree with, I never have to think about whether or not I'm going to bring it up. Like I just storm into the other room and like attack him. Maybe I should start thinking before I speak. Yeah. Like maybe I should like keep some stuff closer to the chest and then like closer to the vest and then be like, and you did this and you got fire emojis. Well, Ben totally does that. Like, because whenever we fight, he has like a fucking roster of things he wants to talk to me about. And he's like, well, can you think

of an example? I'm like, no, I don't write. Oh my God. That's the worst. Can you think of an example? No, I'm trying to forget. No. And that doesn't make my argument less valid. The fact that I didn't write down in the moment, like five months ago, something that made me upset. If anything, it makes me a normal human being. No, it's like, it bothered me so much. I tried to forget about it. Yeah. Or it's just like, fuck off. Like I just, I honestly fighting with Ben is infuriating because he's a very good fighter. Oh, damn, that's tough. I feel like that's like fighting with me. I would not want to be in a fight with me. I would rather die. Like, literally run me over with a car, throw me into a flames emoji.

I would literally rather be dead than ever have like an actual argument with you. Like, over our lives, we've of course have like, maybe like five or ten arguments. And like, they're some of the worst times in my life. Like, I never want to fight with you like over our lives we of course have like maybe like five or ten arguments and like they're some of the worst times in my life like i never want to fight with you yeah what's good for all my like enemies though is that i hate fighting so it's not like i like i don't go seeking fights like it it pains me to get to that place but once i'm there hello she's fucking ruthless you you guys. Ruthless. No, I just – Very strategic. Like, she spits facts, but, like, you know, they're strategically placed facts. No, I just, like –

I just really have, like, the power of words, you know? I guess. You're just a good fighter. Thank you. Thank you so much. By the way, like, this isn't, like, a total deal-breaker, this flame situation, but just bring it up. Like, bring it up. I feel like if he's doing it so, like, out and open, like, not trying to hide it, it's probably not anything salacious, but it might be something you want to talk to him about stopping doing because it's, like, he's out on social media being a public representation of your relationship, and that might not be what you want people to think. be what you want people to think. And like,

maybe he doesn't know like that the flames emoji, like, yeah, it means like looking good, but it's also like, Oh, I want to fuck. Um,

you know, sometimes like older people like us, like sometimes I'll find out what an emoji means. And I'm like, what? It's, it's just a splash. It's just an eggplant. Yeah.

Um, so that was a, where are your toasters? Please submit to your toasters, uh, to us. You can email dear toasters at submit dear toasters uh to us you can email dear toasters at gmail.com it is always anonymous thank you to everyone who braved the uncharted waters of dear toasters it's good stuff okay i think that's all she wrote i really do yeah i think her hand hurts and so does mine so thank you guys so much for listening to the

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