The Tucker Carlson Show - Ari Shaffir: Growing Up Orthodox, How Joe Rogan Saved Comedy, and the Infamous Kobe Bryant Joke

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

Ari Shaffir has received more death threats than any other comic, and he joined Tucker to talk politics, religion, and his most offensive jokes. (00:00) Intro (04:28) Death Threats (13:50) Does Ari Shaffir Get Offended? (20:00) Yeshiva (26:50) The Response to Ari Shaffir’s special, “Jew” (50:30) Why Shaffir Stays Offline (1:28:00) The Kobe Bryant Joke (1:53:40) How Joe Rogan Saved Comedy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't you also think, though, that, at least I feel this way, you can feel whether someone's speaking from affection or dislike? Like, it's just like non-verbally, I'd know if you hate me. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. That word Jew is a great one. It's Jew or hard J Jew. So the special was called Jew?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Did you get any complaints about that? No. It came right after all that Kanye stuff too. So I was a little worried they were going to be like hard line on anti-Semitism and just pull everything down.

So you didn't worry about... I worried about a little bit. What? A special called Jew. Yeah. I worried about a little bit, but I tested it. I tested it everywhere.

I tested it. It was a five-year process of like going to places where there's lots of Jews, going to places with Perth. They were like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Iceland, they're like, what? I've heard of a Jew. Was the Jewish community in Iceland outraged?

Both of them? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Show. welcome to tucker carlson show it's become pretty clear that the mainstream media are dying they can't die quickly enough and there's a reason they're dying because they lie they lied so much it killed them we're not doing that tucker carlson.com we promise to bring you the most honest content the most honest interviews we can without fear or favor here's the latest somebody told me yesterday that you're you lead the field among stand-ups for death threats yeah i was the first one to get them why um

i had this uh when i was yeah i don't know what do you mean you don was, yeah, I don't know. What do you mean? You don't know. I mean, I don't know exactly. So I had this, uh, when I was starting in, in,

uh, national and poons was doing this like fake, fake, um, reality show pitches. It was like, uh, the idea was they went up,

it was all faked, but they all found a box of pitches for a reality show up in like the offices of NBC or something. But the craziest pitches possible. One was like, I can throw up on command. Another was like- I've watched that. Yeah, yeah. And it was this guy who drank Apicac

and just like barfed everywhere. And mine was called The Amazing Racist off The Amazing Race. And it was just like a super overboard race. They came to me with the idea and I was like, that's funny, but let's like really go for it if we're going to go for no but that was the thing i've seen that oh you have you're amazing racist yeah going to the black convenience store in a clan outfit yeah yeah so either you

get it or you don't if you're mad i can see why you get mad but also like but why i mean that's so over the top that of course you're joking if i'm throwing oranges wait at a mexican yelling go back to africa that you can't see maybe or like wait but you're jewish i'm like right so if i'm wearing a clan outfit and i'm a comedian as a jew wearing a clan outfit probably not in the clan probably not the clan you see it's ridiculous anyway so my buddy duncan trussell who's a great comic and hilarious and weird, early websites, he built a website saying, if you prank my friend Ari Shafir, send him a prank call, record it,

I'll give you 20 bucks for the best one. This was before all that stuff came out. So the National Lampoon's DVD came out, and then somebody ripped it to the internet. So pretty early YouTube was like this, without context of National Lampoon's, just me going, hi, I'm Ari Shaffir. I'm not the amazing racist. Let me do this horrible thing right now. Anyway, so people saw it, Googled my name.

The first thing that came up was Duncan. Before you even click on the Google search, it just says Ari Shaffir phone number. Was it your actual phone number? Yeah. But it was pre-doxing. It was before any of that. Before number? Yeah. Yeah. But it was pre-doxing. It was before any of that. Before America got dangerous.

Yeah. So I would just start getting phone calls. It was great. Like what? I'll fucking kill you. You think you're so funny. One of them was I picked up a bunch of Latinos, Mexicans, saying I want you to fix my deck. And then drove them to the INS building.

Started yelling La Migra. And they ran out. Whatever. Whatever. It was funny. Nobody was hurt in the INS building. And started yelling La Migra. And they ran out. Whatever. Whatever. It was funny. Nobody was hurt in the making of it. But people took it seriously. People took it seriously.

My favorite one was, I'll build a deck in your ass, Holmes. I would just get calls all the time. I had to put my ringer on mute. But do you think, I mean. They weren't serious, though. None of them were real. So now when people go, I've been threatened. I'm like, shut up. This isn't a people go, I've been threatened, I'm like,

shut up. This isn't a real thing. I've been getting it for 20 years. But do you think anybody was actually offended? It's instructive because I got, I would get a few like messages, Facebook back then, or MySpace even.

And it was like, fuck you. You're a piece of shit. I'm Mexican. How dare you? And then I'd like right back, like, you know,

it's just a joke. I actually paid all those guys 50 bucks and took them back to where they work in um like nothing actually happened um and i drove them to a library wasn't even like you know it just looked like the ins building um and then they would respond like oh okay i actually did think it was funny i laughed when i saw it i'm like so oh, okay. I actually did think it was funny. I laughed when I saw it. I'm like, so we went from laughing when you saw it to threatening me because you're supposed to. And that is what it is, right? People feel this like moral obligation to be mad about certain things. Yeah. But your real reaction is you were laughing.

So do you ever get people walking out of your shows? Yeah, all the time. All the time. Why do you think they do that? Number of reasons. Too dirty is the main. Yeah. I don't want to hear about sex.

So that's that's an okay one yeah it used to be the dirty comics were like it's cheap you're dirty oh you talk about blow jobs and it was like okay fine and so then the clean comics were like i'm a well written comedian i can do you know whatever um and they would just look down on us but it wasn't a moral thing right now it's a moral thing they put them on a moral high ground they put these people on moral low grounds like you're kind of evil for doing it not just like cheap or easy you're you're wrong you are wrong you're immoral yeah when it's like but it's the same thing so sex is one sex is one i mean i remember i had a i had a at the comedy cellar

i'll help people walk out all the time. The door guys laugh about it. They're like, every time somebody leaves crying, it's you. They walk out past me literally crying. And it's always a drunk white woman. I mean, it is on. That's who yells at me. What is that?

They, well, one, they suck. Why do you think? They've never had any problems. So they have the slightest problem. Like, this is the worst. You ever see rich people that are like, my flight was delayed. They're like, shut up. You sat in first class and your flight was delayed an hour and you're bitching? Shut up.

So you think it's just like any inconvenience drive? Right. So this is the worst case scenario is a slight inconvenience. I had to hear something I didn't like to hear. But in a functioning society, you have a man at home to calm you down. Maybe that's part of the problem. Yeah. So you see it at the shows. The man that's

with them sometimes is either quiet or they're just like... You can see them resign to like, you deal with it, bro. I'm not going to fuck. I'm going to live with it. So if I tell her to shut up, this is a month of pain. Do they heckle you? Yeah, they'll get mad. So I I tell her to shut up, I got to, this is a month. Do they heckle you? Yeah. They'll bet mad. So I had a lady walking outside like maybe a year ago.

And I remember like, Oh, this lady got really mad. I didn't notice it, but like, she was really mad. Um, and I was like,

which joke was it? Holocaust stuff. Was it down syndrome stuff? Was it the war in Gaza stuff? Like it could have been any one thing. And, and it's not all of them. It's the only thing that you feel personally, like this is the line is the one that walk out on

and i i didn't think anything of it and then i was hanging out had a drink up there and then i left like 30 minutes later this is always the fun they want to tell you that they were right and i'm walking out and i pass by some woman she goes you're a piece of shit which I've gotten that what did you say the lady I just started laughing in her face and walked away I'm not gonna give her an argument so she stayed to tell you that yeah yeah yeah it's funny when they leave and then stay it's it's it used to be just write a shitty yelp review if you didn't get the service you wanted and how did she respond when you laughed at her they can't understand it.

They're like, no, you should be mad. I'm like, I'm not combating you. I was just making jokes. Everybody else was laughing. I'm just doing this for the joy. But it's also funny when you walk out angry. We're all laughing at you for not getting it. And you never rise to the bait.

I have before. Yeah. But it's never a good idea. No, it's not a good idea. Yeah. And it's also a good idea. No, it's not a good idea. Yeah. And it's also, it's just fun to toy with them. You know? To be like, I think you're right, and I will learn from this.

It's just fun to fuck with them sometimes. Has it gotten better or worse? It feels like people are freer to say what they think all of a sudden. Yeah. You know, internet. Everyone feels they have their 40 followers. So, like like they're celebrity no but i mean it feels like the strike zone is wider than it was two years ago what do you mean

strike zone i mean you're allowed to say more things or there are fewer umpires or they're just we're allowed to say more things yeah people allowed to say more things everybody's allowed to say yeah right i feel like they're for a while there are only like four things you were allowed to say and now i hear people giving opinions gen z is way better than millennials why gen z okay so you ski or snowboard yeah which one ski nice well obviously don't snowboard i mean come on now yeah so i was a skier in what, late 80s? Snowboard started? Mid 80s? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And everyone was like, I'm not skiing. That's my fucking dad. I'm a snowboarder. It's cool. And then a generation passed, and now the kids are like, I'm not snowboarding. That's for my father. Yeah. So they go the opposite way.

I stayed true to skiing, and it never changed. Yeah, always. Do you still ski? Yeah. Yeah. All mountains should be no snowboard mountains. I completely agree. I think there's only one in the United States.

They're jumping out of the fucking Alta. Deer Valley too. Deer Valley. Yeah. Yeah. Icons got it right. And they wreck the snow. They wreck the snow.

They slide down. It's a mobile city. They get done with it. And they take out old people, which I will be soon. They jump out of the trees. Oh, I know. They have a spotter. I know.

Just have a fucking spotter. And they're too high, actually. Well. Little high is fine, but they're way too high. I mean, I've seen snowboard. I fell off a lift. You fell off a lift? I was too high and drunk.

I was trying to get on. You know the thing where you put your skis under you? So I was like, I saw some cool people do it. I was like, let me do that. And I was trying to do it, but then I started getting pushed. And I'm trying to do it, and then I was just down. That hurts. It does hurt. Yeah, your bindings don't release when you fall off a ski lift. Yeah. It was on the floor, though. pushed you know by and i'm like trying to do it and then i was just down that hurts yeah your

bindings don't release when you fall off the ski lift yeah it was on the floor though and i was popping my head up some old man just shoved my head back down because it was gonna chop it off so you think people in their 20s are better than people in their 30s yeah so anyway these people in the the gen zers looked at the millennials their aunts and their fucking whatever and they're like you guys are angry and we don't want to be like you and they understand at least for stand-up comedy like we know they're not serious you guys didn't know they weren't serious we know they're not serious so when they say i i don't know let's bring slavery about let's give it another chance we know you're you're being ridiculous we know it's jonathan swift it's it's it's fine so then they're

like well now we can laugh you don't mean that are you ever offended by anything i mean do you have a red line well i wouldn't like try to silence it but some stuff is like no i just mean is anything personally offensive to you have you ever heard a joke where you're like ah i'm not into it yeah there's certain times if like if i just heard my dad speak about the Holocaust and I hear a Holocaust joke, I'm like, just not in the mood. Yeah. But there are other times you're... But also, I'll just quietly leave.

Or if it's like political jokes, I'm like, I don't get the references here. Right. I just don't follow it. Yeah, I noticed that at breakfast this morning. You're not covering, following politics. Like, is that a good guy? but how are you going to deal with i mean there are some political stories are sort of unavoidable like the current one with biden like how are you like what do you make of that like the like his physical condition his mental condition i just hear people talking oh you haven't seen any of it a little like from from

people referencing on stand-up comedy clips like shane had one where he's like talking about how he left the stage real slow and he was talking about like i've done that drunk having to like sidestep oh but you haven't seen any video uninteresting do you live in this country yeah how do you avoid that i do not for six years i haven't read or watched the news really if it's on's on, I'll avoid it. I'll leave the room. Why? It's hatred. It's terrible.

It puts you in a terrible mental state. For some of you, you don't affect. Everyone thinks you're making a difference. They're not. I mean, you had a popular show on a major network. Yeah. You also didn't make a difference. Rogan doesn't make a difference.

Well, I got fired. Yeah. But this idea, I'm going to change everything. The high level guys who had a reach, maybe you could. Because you reach a lot of people. I don't think I did. But like. I agree with you.

You being upset about Biden or Trump, it's like, what is it doing? It's going to happen regardless. It's like being upset about the rain. You really think so? So it sounds like you don't buy the premise of democracy. Listen. How should I say this this the black vote matters right one black vote doesn't matter right that's that's correct yeah so it's just like why get involved in romania and slovenia they just had well or you just got back from australia yeah so like they i always loved how they felt about our government's crooked we can't do anything.

Let's get drunk and do the worst Coke in the world. And that's what they, you didn't, you didn't really participate in Australian culture, but it's mostly baby powder. Is that true? And it's the most overpriced in the world too. Cigarettes are $60 a pack.

It was wild. Yeah. I left, I bought a pouch and I was like, and then I was, I didn't think about the price. I was just like, bring it up. A pouch of It was wild. Yeah. I left, I bought a pouch, and I was like, and then I was, I didn't even think about the price. I was just like, bring it up. A pouch of tobacco? Yeah. And then I bought another one in Gold Coast, and then I was

like, $63. I'm like, no! That's crazy. For tobacco. Yeah, and he goes, that's how much it is. And it's like, I thought it was like a tourist spot. And I was like, fuck up. Dude, I just bought it for $40. And he goes, no, you didn't. Did you like the lung cancer pictures on the package? I did have to trade a pack, because I was like, fuck up, dude. I just bought it for 40. And he goes, no, you didn't. Did you like the lung cancer pictures on the package? I did have to trade a pack. Cause I'm like, this one's too gross. It's too gross. Yeah. You almost don't want to smoke. Get me a dead baby. I don't, I don't want to see the missing tail. A dead baby. It doesn't, it doesn't hurt

me. Well, it wasn't caused by smoking. Yeah. It was caused by the ozone. So yeah, I just don't pay attention. It's going to happen regardless. Why lose sleep over it? But what about the idea that if you don't do anything about it, then it just gets worse and worse and worse? If society doesn't do anything about it, it gets worse and worse. If I don't do anything about it,

it's not going to change my mind. It's your moral obligation to vote. If you don't vote, you're not allowed to complain. Can I tell you something that no one seems to get on my side on if you think the system is corrupt yeah participation in the system is you co-signing the system so it's like it doesn't matter which side you're voting on this corrupt they both lie

to you two-party only possibilities which is what they're revolting in in hong kong yeah yeah here's your two possible choices only just saying okay well i'll take this one is you saying yeah the system i agree with it and i don't agree with the system well at all i'm sympathetic to what you're saying i'm actually not dismissing you out of hand because i think you're making a pretty solid point the the problem though is it could get to the point where they show up at your house and start hassling you directly. Who? The government. To vote?

No, no, no. I mean, the government gets in the wrong hands. It can be pretty intrusive. Yeah, I guess. So, yeah. But here's two problems with that. One, it's a worst-case scenario way of living. Right. I mean, I've heard the Holocaust is coming back my entire life this can lead to the holocaust

george bush it could be hitler trump was hitler trump was definitely hitler everybody's hitler and i'm like i don't where where is this happening um so it's like you hear these worst case scenarios all the time they don't come to fruition and also it's like you still won't have any effect on it when they were talking about going to war with iran they're like this is a nuclear holocaust and everyone was bitching about it and i was skiing and i'm like you guys can lose your last days if there's a nuclear holocaust coming these are your last days and i spent it skiing and you spent arguing online with a stranger like who's god gonna say did it right? You know? That's actually completely defensible. Like, you're not actually affecting it.

And if enough people... There's a whole book in the Jewish Bible called Ecclesiastes. It basically makes this point. Really? Yeah. Interesting. You should... Ecclesiastes.

What's that in Hebrew? Do you know? I don't. Yeah. Some of them were like Genesis. I'm like, I don't know that word. I know the Hebrew word. Oh, is that...

You went to Yeshiva? Yeah. They didn't call it Genesis? No. So, I had to like Deuteronomy. I was like, oh, which one is that again? How long did you went to yeshiva yeah they didn't call it genesis no so i had to like deuteronomy i was like oh which one is that again how long did you spend in yeshiva two years after high school but my entire all high school did you think you're gonna be a rabbi it's possibility really yeah it was like poss possibility what was that like it was like in pre-law what do you do in yeshiva by the the way? Study. Pardon my ignorance.

Like what's the, what's the schedule? Like you wake up when and do what? That's part of your culture is to be ignorant. Yeah. I'm not a chosen person. You wake up, you do a little learning. That's like choose your own adventure. That's so it might be like prophets,

one of the side books or something. And then you pray then you go have breakfast um that's like breakfast ends at like nine so nine to one you learn talmud then one to two is this just independent study you're just reading it by yourself there's classes and then there's also like and then also independent but there's classes we're a rabbi dude we had a rabbi who was like teaching us one of the one of the books of the gemara the talmud you're so smart i forget his name oh it's embarrassing that's embarrassing who is it i don't know but you can check it no it's all right no no tell me who called oh it's your mom hold on hey he's busy right. No. No, tell me who called. It was your mom. Hold on. Hey, he's busy right now. I'll get back to you later. All right.

Bye, Ms. Tucker. That's what you went by too, Ms. Tucker. Anyway, he was teaching us and then doing it really well. And then somebody went to the bathroom and they came back. I forget his name. Let's call him Rabbi Jew. And they're like, Rabbi Jew then somebody went to the bathroom and they came back. I forget his name. Let's call him Rabbi Jew. And they're like, Rabbi Jew, this isn't the right book.

And he goes, oh yeah, I forgot the, I forgot the, I took the wrong one. Like, you've been teaching us from it the whole class. And he goes, yeah. He just knows it by heart. It was actually like a John Irving novel.

It was just a different track date. It was like the encyclopedia. You're doing the E's and he's reading from F's. But he's still word for word on the E's. It was actually like a John Irving novel? It was just a different track date. It was like the encyclopedia. You're doing the E's and he's reading from F's. But he's still word for word on the E's. It was crazy. So he'd memorized it? Yeah. Which is, it was an oral tradition. It was passed down orally for a long time.

Was it interesting? The Talmud? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So many fun, so not fun, but like, yeah, like I was telling you at breakfast. By the way, guys, Tucker Carlson feeds his guests breakfast. Of course I do. Yeah.

What's your podcast do? Yeah, it was like if you accidentally kill someone, like you have to replace their wife, you have to pay their wife. This is what I was talking about. And like a doctor's wife, you pay more than a garbage man's wife. And then it's all arguing is a garbage man worth less? Does he have less value

than a doctor? And then it's like the arguing, arguing, arguing. It's like, no, you're just trying to you have a responsibility to keep her way of life, keep her richness there. So you have to pay her based on her income. It's kind of like divorce now. Do you debate this in class based on her income. It's kind of like divorce now. Do you debate this in class?

Yeah, so you debate it, you talk about it, then there's secondary rabbis who all weighed in. No, but do you debate it? Do the students say, you know what, I just don't agree with this at all? Are you allowed to debate?

Yeah, yeah, 100%. It's all based in like, say what you think is not right here. There's a Philip Roth book, Conversion of the Jews. It's a short story. Yeah, yeah i never read it it's about uh it's pretty good and uh and uh yeah philip roth and um poor noise complaint guy yeah um and it was just about this kid in yeshiva in brooklyn who was like i don't understand if god couldn't create everything the animals and light out of darkness,

he goes, that one always got me. There was darkness and he made light for the first time. That always got me. And he goes, why couldn't he make a sun? Like, no, God can't have a sun. I was like, but why? He did all this other stuff. How come he can't?

You're supposed to ask these questions. So there's no penalty for- There's no penalty. It's based in for 100%, you should be asking questions. We should have answers. If we don't, then your question is correct. It's based in for 100%, you should be asking questions. We should have answers. If we don't, then your question is correct. It sounds like a great education.

It's great. Ask everything. If it doesn't make sense, you got to ask, and we should have an explanation. You shouldn't be like, don't ask this stuff. How many of Shiva students become stand-ups? Not many. Not many. There's a couple, but not many.

It seems kind of like a natural training ground for it. It's so helpful that the logic basis of it, that between that and an English major where you're also just same thing, kind of analyzing. Textual analysis. Yeah. What's he doing? What does this mean?

It's just a great way of looking at humanity and then like writing a joke about it. What are your rabbis and classmates think of what you do well so it's it's the religion part and it's also the culture part right so the culture part was like what are you doing you're not making a living this is ridiculous this is embarrassing they didn't think you were making a living i wasn't for 10 years you know temp jobs and whatever really yeah what kind of temp jobs? I worked for the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce.

I just did like data entry in different places, moving boxes. I did some commercial. I got started booking commercials for a while. I had a weird look. That helped, but that was like five, six years in. It was just poverty which but it was also great training because now you seem pretty immune immune to finances to the dangers to the dangers yeah you have money but you seem kind of uh i don't know you well enough but you seem like you're resistant to letting it

i was talking to you about jake hanhan. He won't take advertising money. So he doesn't want anybody pressuring him to cover it. Yeah, I don't think you should worship money. I'm opposed to that. Yeah. I don't think it makes you happy. Debt makes you unhappy. Right.

Money does not make you happy. Severe lack of money makes you unhappy. 100%. That is real. But I was broke for long enough where I don't need these things anymore. Good for you. I'm happy with like,

oh, I got a Nile seat. You know, I don't need to fly private or first class. It's nice, but like, I sleep in hostels, you know? I love that. Yeah, so I'm free of it. And it frees me up to do fun things. So you took that experience and did a special on Judaism. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you got to watch it. Why'd you do that? I mean, I've been looking at this stuff forever. I just wasn't good enough to do it, but it was always on my mind. If you're wondering how big tech got powerful enough to void the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, how did it get big enough to nullify the founding documents of the most powerful company in the world? Well, simple. They got really rich. Money is power. Well, how'd they get rich? From information, your information, which you keep

giving to them. How do you do that? Well, every time you use the internet unprotected, you're handing all of your online activity, all the details about you to Silicon Valley, which sells it, including to government agencies, which use it to spy on you. That's why it's probably not a good idea to go online unprotected, not just for your own sake, but for the sake of the country. How do you fight back? Well, with ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN is an app that encrypts and reroutes 100% of your network traffic through secure servers.

What does that do? Well, it makes everything you do online unreadable to your internet provider and then to data brokers and to the government agencies that buy that data. That means anyone out there trying to profit from you and your personal data can't. Well, how do we know it works? Well, we know for a fact it works because this winter, when my producers and I were in Russia conducting interviews, including with the president of that country,

internet traffic was getting blocked by the government. So we got an ExpressVPN account and we're able to get that interview out of the country securely and bring it to the world. So it works. We know it works. ExpressVPN also keeps you safe from hackers, even on unsecured public Wi-Fi networks. If you're in a coffee shop or an airport, you sign on with ExpressVPN and all of a sudden

you're safe. And by the way, it's easy to use. Even for people who don't know anything about tech like me, you just tap one button and you're protected on any device. That's your iPhone, your laptop, your tablet, you name it. If you've got it, ExpressVPN can protect it and it works on up to eight devices at once. ExpressVPN is rated number one by top tech reviewers

like CNET and The Verge. ExpressVPN protected our team for censorship across the world, and it can protect you too. So if you want to keep your privacy intact and fight back against the big tech surveillance machine, now is the time to get ExpressVPN. Use our special link to get three extra months of ExpressVPN for free. Go to expressvpn.com backslash Tucker. That's expressvpn.com slash Tucker for three extra months free, and we hope you will. Remember in 2020 when CNN told you the George Floyd riots were mostly peaceful? Even as flames rose in the background?

It was ridiculous, but it was also a metaphor for the way our leaders run this country. They're constantly telling you, everything is fine. Everything is fine. Don't worry. Everything's under control. Nothing to see here. Move along and obey. No one believes that. Crime is not going away. Supply chains remain fragile.

It does feel like some kind of global conflict could break out at any time. So the question is, if things went south tomorrow, would you be ready? Well, if you're not certain that you'd be ready, you need Ammo Squared. Ammo Squared is the only service that lets you build an ammunition stockpile automatically. You literally set it on autopilot. You pick the calibers you want, how much you want to save every month, then they'll ship it to you or they'll store it for you and ship it when you say so. You get 24-7 access to manage the whole thing. So don't let the people in charge, don't let CNN lull you into a fake sense of safety. Take control of your life.

Protect your family. Be prepared. Go to AmmoSquared.com to learn more. It's one of the saddest things about this country. The country is getting sicker. Despite all of our wealth and technology, Americans aren't doing well overall. Obesity, heart disease, autoimmune conditions, all kinds of horrible chronic illnesses, weird cancers are all on the rise. Probably a lot of

reasons for this, but one of them definitely is Americans don't eat very well anymore. They don't eat real food. Instead, they eat industrial substitutes, and it's not good. It's time for something new, and that's where masa chips come in. Masas decide to revive real food by creating snacks how they used to be made, how they're supposed to be made. A masa chip has just three simple ingredients, not 117. Three. No seed oils, no artificial additives, just real delicious food. And I know this because we eat a ton of them in my house. And by the way, I feel great.

So you can still continue to snack, but you can do it in a healthy way with chips without feeling guilty about it. Masa chips are delicious. They taste how a tortilla chip is supposed to taste. But the thing is, you can hit them really, really hard, and I have, and not feel bloated or sluggish after. You feel like you've done something decent for your body. You don't feel like you got a head injury or you don't feel filled with guilt. You feel light and energetic. It's the kind of snack your grandparents ate. Worth bringing back. So you can go to MasaChips.com, Masa's M-A-S-A, by the way, MasaChips.com slash Tucker to start snacking. Get 25% off. We enjoy them. You will too. the non-jews have seven laws of noah that's all you gotta do and you get into heaven and they're

pretty easy they're great they're pretty easy don't eat an animal while it's still living exactly should be a no-brainer don't kill kill. Don't kill. Harder for some people, but not others. Don't rape. Even harder for some people, but most are still on the right side of it. I forget what the other ones are. Adultery. Yeah. It's not that hard.

And you get to go to heaven. And you'll be right alongside a rabbi. Well, not only that, they're like very reasonable. Yeah, they're not like hard ones to do. No, they're all kind of rooted in natural law. Yeah. No, I read that. Yeah, when you convert, they're like, what are you doing this for?

You're just going to make it harder on yourself. You're going to heaven already. No, that's interesting. Okay. You don't feel there's any contempt at all in that. There becomes contempt, you know, at the end where it's like, well, you're not in our group, so kind of fuck you. But that's not in the law. I mean, even Jesus is like, accept everyone, take them in.

Right. But people don't really do that. you know not at all yeah so but that i think i do think that the sabbath laws are you know like if you're using somebody else to do something that you're not allowed to do yeah well i talk about the loopholes in that special where it's like you're actually not allowed to fully ask them can you turn this light that special where it's like you're actually not allowed to fully ask them, can you turn this light on? Because then that's like you're doing it. So it's by implication. It sure is dark in here. You know, I'm not allowed to turn the lights on. Nodgers are allowed. But I can't do it.

It does suck. I want to read. It's so loophole-y. It's great. But what was the moment where you decided so you can't use electricity i was in a dorm room in a in a yeshiva that's closed now in in bayern Jerusalem and there was a light a reading light above my bed and you could use that to like read talmud before you go to sleep or whatever left it on on shabbos and what I was going to do was take a hand-washing cup. There's like a ritual hand-washing you do in the mornings

and before bread. And I was going to put that over the light. It was like a little ball. And I was going to put it over the light, drown the light. So the light's still on. It's just drowned out. The cup kept falling. I kept putting it on there.

It kept, because it was round. It just kept falling off. It on there it kept because it's round the bait it just kept falling off it wouldn't stay on and the light was in my eye and it was frustrating you want to sleep and you can't and at some point i was like i'm just gonna turn it off it's friday night i'm not allowed but then my so the the entrance to the yeshiva was like right here my window was right here so anyone coming in or out would see my light go off. And they'd be like, we're all these super Orthodox Jews. No light can go on or off. We'll notice that on a Friday night.

And I was like, fuck, I'll get caught. I'll get in trouble if I do this. So I didn't do it. I didn't even do it. Didn't break any law. But I thought about it for like a couple years. The fact that I was more worried about a man getting me in trouble than God. When it's God's law, it's not man's law.

Um, jaywalking. Sure. I'll make, look for a cop. Right. Do that, you know,

but, but the Sabbath stuff, that's all just God. I shouldn't give a fuck about Jews seeing me. Um, there's, I've in the tour, there's like a,

a worse punishment for someone who steals in secrecy than who steals brazenly. Because at least stealing brazenly, you're not worried about man catching you. Exactly. And you're like, well, fuck God either way, but I don't give a shit about man.

So the fact that I was more worried about people getting me in trouble than God, and I was talking about it, I was like, I don't think I believe in him or I wouldn't have done it. If I believed there was this like, you know, old man in heaven saying, don't do this. It him or I wouldn't have done it. If I believe there was this like, you know,

old man in heaven saying, don't do this. It'll be bad for your mortal soul. I just wouldn't do it. I'll compare it to like, if your dad's in the room, you don't masturbate. Right.

Because you believe he's real. Of course. And his reaction is pretty obvious what it would be, but you're not just going to start jerking. Like, Oh, the fuck. I didn't know you were real dad. You know, you're a's real and i wasn't sure god was real and i was just like and

then i just looked more and more and i was like i think i'm out maybe the lesson is you care too much what other people think maybe right no i mean that's another way to look at it yeah yeah so anyway so my friends got mad they're like they can't leave religion like well if you don't believe in god take the torah the holy sacred scroll and can't leave religion. Like, well, if you don't believe in God, take the Torah, the holy sacred scroll and like throw it in the floor, which is like, if you see it fall,

you have to fast for like, I don't know how long. And I'm like, no, I still respect you guys. I'm not going to like, it's so rude. But you told your friends, your fellows.

I told a few of them. Some were angry. Some were like disappointed. Nobody was like, cool. Nobody. What'd your parents say pretty mad yeah they were like well you're gonna lose the culture they're all fine now so in hindsight it's fine but they're at that they're totally fine now so just like but at the time they're like what the fuck they were really mad it was like uh yeah they were like, what the fuck? They were really mad. It was like, uh, yeah,

they were like, even a dog believes in God. That's true. You're lower than a dog. Did they say that? Yeah. Yeah. But I was like,

show me that research. What are you talking about? Who's done a study on that? Um, but totally fine now. So how did you decide you want to go into standup from there? I always kind of liked being the Joker. Uh,

and then my friend, Ami Butler was, Butler, he was like, you should try it. You should try stand-up. So you moved back from Israel? Moved back from Israel. Went to University of Maryland. A couple years. No, first went to Yeshiva University in New York. That's where I kind of like fully lost the religion.

And then I'm like, what's the point of paying for a split curriculum? Yeah, of course. College. So I switched to state school. Got laid for the first time ever yeah it was it's nice if you haven't tried it you should i haven't it's great bro it's great you're busy destroying democrats jewish girl uh no no i have oh so you went all the way out then you look too much like me you know it's like a mirror it's not the best um you're like i'm legally not allowed to join in on this

um yeah i went yeah i just had it was nuts it was so great got a blow job oh did you call your friends back in the achieve and tell them no i did not i did not we i'm friends with a couple of them still um but not many it's just a different world now plus they all have kids it's like how many of them got married all of them all of them yeah so everybody gets married everybody gets married at what gets married. At what age? And have kids. Sister got married at 20. Wasn't that like crazy. It was just like a touch early, but not really. But all those marriages seem to survive. They really do, right?

It's interesting. I've noticed that. Yeah. What's the divorce rate among Orthodox Jews? So low. We had one divorced couple growing up in my neighborhood and was like, whoa, can you believe it? They're divorced? We thought it was so nuts.

And then when I got to University of Maryland and everybody's parents were split. And I was like, what? So what works better? I don't know. I guess it's what you're looking for in your marriage. When it's just a union to like be a family unit and raise kids is the most important thing. So like this is fine.

This works for that. Or it's like, do I want fulfillment? And like, yeah, I don't know. You don't think they're fulfilled? I think if you're all, you want his family,

then yeah, you're fulfilled. You've got a great family, you know, you're part of the community. But if you're like, yeah, they say it's like,

it's like misogynist Judaism because the women just stay at home. But I'm like, no, they're there to raise the family. Right. It's not like you're not allowed to work. It's like, this is your part.

This is his part. He's raising money for the family. Do you think a lot of Orthodox mothers secretly want to work at banks? No. I don't think they do. Exactly. This isn't fun. And it's voluntary. You don't have to join this lifestyle, right? Yeah, right. Well, if you're raised in it, you kind of do.

It's not legally, but, you know. Do you ever have any regrets you didn't become a rabbi no no uh-uh no i'm having a great time some of them will look down on me and be like there'll be demeaning like you'll be back and like talk down to me and it's like oh you guys fucking suck you don't think you will be back? No. What to what? I don't know. I didn't. If you're getting your dick sucked, that's totally illegal in that religion. Is it really?

Yeah, it's wasting seed. Oral sex is illegal. Yeah. I didn't know that. It's wasting seed. Condoms are illegal. But the sheet thing is not real. Sheet thing's not real.

This is all an Ari Shaffir Jew on YouTube now. So you got to the bottom of the Sheet rumor. I was fooled. That's how strong a rumor it was. I was fooled. Did you ever talk about that in Yeshiva? No, but I thought I had a rabbi who definitely did it. And my friend was like, that's a false memory.

No way. Really? Because it doesn't exist. Who spread that rumor? That's a pretty... I think it comes from Tz it's like this um when so the 613 commandments god i lived in this for for fucking five years i forgot about all of it and then i lived in it for five years trying to like go over the stuff again and then i just put it

behind me again when you mentioned talmud and i brought up steinzaltz out of like i don't know where that came from i was very impressed yeah i didn't know what the talmud was yeah until pretty recently i'm reading it i actually think it's really interesting it's very interesting but there's this so one of the commandments you try to do as many as you can some of them are uh big temple based so you just can't anymore because we don't have a temple um that's in 70 ad boom uh they're gonna have another one the messiah they say so those laws will be back but you try to do as many as you can. They're good deeds and they're bad deeds, but they're all like commandments. 613 of them.

One of them is if you have a four-cornered garment, a poncho, you have to tie these tassels to the end of them. So sometimes you'll see strings coming out from the tassels. Okay. So they make themselves a four-cornered garment so that they can do that commandment. And it looks like a t-shirt underneath, underneath their shirt. It's like, you don't even need it, but you're like, here's our chance to wear it.

Have you ever worn one? Oh yeah, all the time. Is it comfortable? It's neither here nor there. It goes in between a t-shirt and your over shirt. So you barely even notice it. Oh, so you're wearing three layers. Yeah.

That's a lot. That's why they smell. They don't fucking wash their shit. How does that? They don't. Do they? Is that? They do smell.

What is that? It's just like soap is expensive. So I always thought that was bigotry from secular Jews are always saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they do smell a lot. It's also like you're wearing, you're fucking dressed like Johnny Cash in the summertime. It's going to fucking, it's going to stink after a while.

You got to watch that all the time. So Jerusalem in August is. Oh, oh, it's disgusting. It's like fucking Yangon. That's actually true? Yeah, yeah. The Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, they're more shower centric.

Amazing. It's nuts. When you get up the road from Tel Aviv, it's a windy road. And as soon as you get over that hill, it's fucking, it party it's fiddler it's the best it's so weird it's like you're living in an ancient time it's the most interesting place on the planet yeah three religions three and a half coming together on one little small area of an old city three and a half it's like two different kinds of christian you know i've heard that but

yeah they're pretty similar the armenians and the and the and the greek the opians greek orthodox catholic yeah protestant but in the old city it's like yeah yeah anyway whatever i don't know enough about them um do you still have your outfits anyway so here's where it came from no i don't have any of that but like uh so you wear that for program i think they were hanging up to dry. And it's a sheet with a neck hole in it. Yes. And I think just some racists were like, they probably fucked through that. That's what that is.

And it just caught on. Interesting. Yeah. And the hole is so big that the Jews are like, let them run with that rumor. It took you five years to write that special? Yeah. Yeah. And some of the jokes are even older what's your process for writing it this one was way different because i had to i never have to fact check my my jokes i can be an idiot in my jokes i can normally i'm allowed to say um

david trump and people like it's donald trump like oh i don't know it's fine if i'm i don't get the facts wrong you know i can be a moron it's Donald Trump. I'm like, oh, I don't know. It's fine if I get the facts wrong. You know, I can be a moron. It's actually, sometimes I try to like misspeak so that like, don't trust me on this. I'm not an expert. I'm just making fun of it. So I'll try to like throw in wrong details. Who came up with the idea

that you only vote in November in elections? No, you vote every single day with your time and your money. You show your preferences. You put your support behind things you believe in and you withhold support from things you don't. You can do that with your cell phone, by the way. There's a wireless company that if you're not on board with what's going on in this country at the highest levels, you can make your preference known. It's called Pure Talk. It's probably something you should consider.

It is proudly veteran-led. It is led by veterans of the U.S. military, and it supports American jobs by their customer service team. All of them are right here in the United States. What other company can say that, by the way? Not many. It proudly supports great charities, charities that you would support yourself, like America's Warrior Partnership. Every dollar you spend,

some of that money goes to those charities every single month. When you switch your cell phone service to Pure Talk, you know what you will not be sacrificing? Coverage, because Pure Talk puts you on America's most reliable 5G network. With plans starting at just $20 a month for unlimited talk, taxed lots of data, you can literally cut your monthly cell phone bill in half while doing something that you can feel good about and believe in. The average family saves almost $1,000 a year. So no contract, no cancellation fee, and a 30-day money-back guarantee. It makes switching easy. Go to puretalk.com slash Tucker and you'll save an additional 50% off your first month. Once again, that is puretalk.com slash Tucker to switch your cell phone service to a company you can be proud to do business with. We'll be right back. The GMC Employee Pricing Event is on now. Get a big cash purchase discount of up to $12,300

on the 2025 GMC Sierra 1500 and the 2025 Sierra HD. With Sierra 1500's premium interior and advanced tech or Sierra HD's impressive power and capability, you'll have everything you need to get from work to play with confidence this season. Hurry in. Employee pricing is on for a limited time. Visit your local GMC dealer for details. But, like, how do you write it? Do you write it out by hand do you pay no no no no i just go so i started this one was i would go to the the seller the comedy sales had a small room and i

would do an hour and i would do like i had like 20 show minutes something on noah and the flood um that's what it started with just became my closer in the end. And then a couple other bits. And then I said, okay, I've already set up now that I can make jokes about this stuff. You guys see, I'm not serious about it. Do you have any questions about Jews that you've wanted to know?

Like anything I will answer. And I'll try to riff and make it funny. Something I used to do with this guy, Don Barris, a long time ago, we do ask a Jew. We call it Jew and a late night at the comedy store. And it started with like, Hey, you know, yeah, I can be a long time ago, we'd do Ask a Jew. We call it Jew and A. Late night at the comedy store. And it started with like, hey, you know, yeah, I could be a resource.

And then all the comedians would sit around the room and they'd ask questions. So first it was like, how many commandments are there? I'm like, oh, good question, 613. Like, oh, okay. Someone else like, yes, question. Like, if Jews are supposed to be such good writers, why is a diary on Frank so fucking boring? Like, okay, well, it's a bestseller for a fucking uneducated girl for 30 years or 50 years so you're wrong about that hey what goes in the place of your soul like all right well probably naruto would say that there is no such thing as

a soul but uh diamonds diamonds go there and then we just fuck around occasionally we get people complaining like they were so rude to that man but it was all just comedians jew and a yeah jew and a it was a lot of fun um do you still talk to the jackal that birthed you it's just like and i'm like oh that's a bit offensive but it's all my friends and it was so fun late night at the store was so fun jackal yeah yeah yeah um so as a mud person would you say say, and I'm like, well, stop you there. Yeah, we'd have this thing at the end of it where Don would go, he would run it and he'd be like, I saw a documentary on the Holocaust. It didn't seem that bad. It seems like you guys are exaggerating. I was like, I don't know, man.

What was the documentary? I didn't see it. It was called Hogan's Heroes. It seemed like bumbling oafs. It doesn't seem like they could have done any of that stuff. We had a smell test. He goes, can you, can you smell money? And I was like, yeah, I can.

Yeah, it's just one of the things we have. And then we set up ahead of time. He was like, all right, I need three bills. One, a 20 and a hundred. And then he like crumpled up a turn and i but we all knew the order so the crowd didn't know and i'd smell like that's like uh hmm that's like it's got a nutty aroma hint of saddle leather yeah it was like is that like a i think it's a 20 and everyone's like i got it one in three shot you know and then it then the hundred like oh i love that smell i know what

that is and then he showed me the one out of my face it's disgusting yeah so wait what was i going with this fuck what did you ask how you write it oh right so i just asked people so it kind of birthed from that i asked people what questions do you have and sometimes like what's with the wigs i'm like oh okay well it's a loophole you can't be attracted to your neighbor's wife so hair is something you're attracted to so you cover up your hair so it's not your hair it's some fucking asian lady's hair you know which is actually better hair it's weird but it's not you it's sung lee um and you just do stuff like what are the what are the pillows i'm like what pillows what do you mean oh it's your fucking bag that you have for your for your tal talus or tefillin that you carry. It looks like a pillow to them. I never, it's just, it was a way of looking at stuff. Like, and so

the same questions would come up over and over again. And I'd riff, try to be funny. And I'm like, if the same question keeps coming up, this is something I should cover. And if a question came up once ever, then I'm like, all right, that's just one guy. One of us was like, why are Jews afraid of cats? I'm like, that was just one Jew you knew, bro. That's not a stereotype. That was just one Jew. And so I would just try to cover everything. Why are Jews afraid of cats? That's not a thing. A hundred percent, it's not a thing. So yeah, I would just try to, and then I would try to tweak it and tweak it and tweak it. And then I'd have to do this thing where it's like, I had to see if I was wrong, which I don't ever do in my stand-up.

But it had to be correct. I couldn't be wrong about any of it. Oh, about the religion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I started doing a bit about that fucking threw a hole in a sheet. And then my friend was like, that's not a true thing.

I'm like, fuck. I had other rabbis. I had this giant bit, a closer, about Noah he had 40 children and how his wife was the real hero because her pussy must have been blown out and then a rabbi in copenhagen was like hey loved it the whole thing he didn't have 40 kids and i was like no he did he goes no he had two two son i forget now two sons and three daughters whatever yeah yeah and their husbands yeah and it was like it just wasn't 40 i was like no and he goes he goes i don't mind i don't care i'm just telling i love the whole thing i'm just telling you that wasn't that's not right and i had to lose it i had

to lose a fucking five minute like crushing chunk because it wasn't correct any other bit i was doing i could just like ah fuck it i made up a detail but why were you fact checking your own stuff it had to be because i was doing a thing about a religion. I was doing a factual informational hour, which I've never done. Did you have any complaints? Yeah. But like real ones? Any campaigns against you?

No. In Melbourne, it was that thing of like, this is hate speech. You're calling them inbred. And I'm like, no, it's loving. All the Orthodox Jews that saw it was like a little too much cursing for my taste but nothing's really wrong in here it's it's respectful so who was saying that it was a love letter to my religion but sounds like it actually in in my artistic way in the the comedy way but people can don't you think people can smell the intent behind well that's what it was so it was like a couple

outliers were like let's look for something angry ingery in the world. But she's like, that's all of Twitter. I love how I've been telling people to get off Twitter for so long. Do you go on it? No, it's a cesspool. And it's like people are like, oh, Elon Musk is fine. I'm like, no, no, this way predates it. He hasn't gotten rid of the negativity on there. It's, hey, look, there's this cool telephone pole.

You know, a lot of people died in the making of that. There's not enough trees to go around. And it's like, Jesus, you guys can find the fucking terrible and everything so do you do you use the internet yeah i mean yeah you know to see if like a pill you found in your closet's good or bad expired yeah you know something like that like what is this but you don't spend time looking at other people's opinions online. No, you still see it, though. It seeps through.

If you're on Instagram, and you see people weighing in on stuff, it kind of comes into what you think of the world. So you think that the reason everybody hates everybody else is because of the internet? Yeah, I didn't understand it. You saw that movie, um half documentary a little bit of like whatever like what's it called the social experiment i never saw it oh you should see it so the acting parts are kind of hokey but it does illustrate like in real time what this

would be like somebody like lost on their phone as his chick he likes is like looking for someone to talk to and he's like lost on it so it's just a little acting scene but it's just like one possible reason why you're getting lost on this instead of talking to your neighbor on the bus you're like let me yeah it's like and these are the light problems you know when i moved to new york it's like how do you make friends and my friend was like go to a bar order a beer drink it at a regular pace order order another one. Midway through the second beer, you'll be talking to someone. That time is done. Is it really?

Yeah. You look up to talk, they're down on their phone. And then they look up to talk and you're on your phone and you just keep missing the connection. It's like- Boy, I haven't been to a bar in a while. That's depressing. It's depressing. Yeah.

No one's open to meeting new people. Hostels in Southeast Asia are still, I hear they're slipping, but it's still that they can't afford an internet plan. Yeah, for a while, I got rid of my smartphone. I had a flip phone for a while. So you're like Ted Kaczynski level anti-tech. No, I'm on a smartphone now, and it's ruining my life. How? I'm not present. I'm wasting time. No, I'm on a smartphone now and it's ruining my life. How? I'm not present.

I'm wasting time. No, that's right. You look at your time used on an iPhone, it tells you. You'd think they'd cover it. If it's over 45 minutes a day, it's too much. And for most people, it's between four and eight hours. Every day that you're wasting. Eight hours of sleeping, Two hours of eating.

So that's 10. So you have 14 hours left. And four to eight of those are staring at a fucking screen. We're all losing it. We're all losing our lives. You should just be calling a friend. Do you call friends? It's funny.

Do you have old friends where you text and they text back, text, text back, and eventually they call, I can't do this anymore. We Sometimes it's funny. Do you have old friends? Whether you like text and I text back, text, text back. And then eventually they call, I can't do this anymore. I was just talking out. And you're like,

this is what it should be. So when I had a flip phone, it was this, you know, you'd miss the button. She'd missed the T and you have to go around again and keep hitting it till you get the right letter. And it took forever to text anything over two sentences. I'm just going to call you and deal with it. So you don't text?

No, I'm on a, I'm on a smartphone now. So now I text constantly, but when I had that flip phone, it was fucking, I gotta, I gotta fucking do it. I gotta fucking go back. Why'd you get off it? I was promoting something and I thought I had to, and it, it fucking ruined my life. It's the worst. So you've actually taken breaks from the internet? Well, so when I went to Southeast Asia in 2017, I changed all my passwords to my email, Instagram. I think I still had Twitter back then. Email, Instagram, Twitter. What else is there? Facebook.

I changed my password to this. I just went to the computer and I cut and pasted that, sent it to a friend, and I said, do not send me this. Wow. Password was like, you know, just a 17 syllable, whatever. I was like, don't send me this. I don't want it. I'll get it when I come back.

I don't want to be able to get in there. So you didn't look. So I had no access to Facebook, no access to Instagram, no access to email. And then I left my phone at home. I called an Uber to the airport and then I left my phone at home. I called an Uber to the airport and then put my phone on my desk, closed it. And then I got Uber and went. That is really radical.

Why'd you do that? It was the best. It was the best. But why'd you do it? It's like not something you do accidentally. No, it's not something you do accidentally. No, it's not something I do accidentally. That was the first time I've done it. I've done it since a couple of times I went to Guatemala for 10, 12 days.

And I was like, I'm not bringing my phone on my computer. You're just way freer. You're more social. But, and I don't want to be connected to America. I just wanted to be like floating. You know, I just wanted to be like floating, you know, I just wanted to be like,

I just level of freedom. Can you follow the dead for a while? Yeah. Pre-internet. Yeah. I found my wife pre-internet. Really? Yeah.

What was just like a regular mail-in thing? Yeah. Just ordered her, you know, right from Saigon. With no reviews. No, I went to high school with her. What a time.

But I was trying to explain to Rogan about it, about leaving. And I was like, buddy, I don't know how to express it. But there's this level of freedom. It's like a second level of like, hey, I'm in wherever. I'm in Southern Vietnam. And I was going to go to the north, but I was just getting sick of white people and I just like, where are there no white people? And it was like

Chodok. It was like southern small town. And I was like, oh, I'll go there instead. Just the ability to swap. Someone's like, I heard there's a good hike in Myanmar. Oh, okay. We'll do that instead. And just like, you're just floating. Meeting people, talking, interesting talk. And you didn't feel

helpless or afraid without a phone a hundred percent afraid really oh yeah i mean the first i mean i almost came back right away i was like this is a mistake the dopamine dropped you know from from being on there that's what they're trying to you know get you on there so that dropped and i'm like i i'm not getting my fix. I was going through withdrawals. Really? Yeah. And I was like, this was a mistake. I say, so I went, I just, I was like, I'm not going to make any plans. I went, I discovered, I decided a region, Southeast Asia. It was cheap.

It was going to be that or South America. So Southeast Asia seems so foreign. I just got into travel. I did one, one like 17 day tour of china did you bring a girl with you go by yourself by myself china was fun so the comedians would kind of like guide it for you the ones that were out there they and once somebody in shanghai turner sparks like by the way it's safe here like they won't touch you here in china you can be a

drunk woman asleep with your fucking phone in your hand, like passed out. And you'll wake up in that exact position untouched. The punishments for violent crime are way too much. And the embarrassment for their families is way too much. So once they told me it was safe, I was like, oh, all my like xenophobia was gone. I was like, sick. See you guys later. Like, you don't want a guy. I'm like, oh, I'm out. And I would just walk around and discover. Then it blew my mind. And I was like, I got to get lost again. It was so cool. So I got every visa I needed ahead of time.

Like Thailand's like on landing. You get a visa. Some places are on landing. Some places you need ahead of time. So Vietnam, I think I got ahead of time. Maybe Myanmar, not Cambodia. I think that was on landing. And they were all like good for six months a month any six month period you know for six months any month as soon as you land so and

i just waited till like a day before i was like where's the weather the best so there was rain in vietnam so no there was rain in thailand so no and then then Myanmar had like 10 clear days. Did you call home at any point? No. Uh-uh. So you just basically disappeared for how long? Four and a half months. Yeah. God damn, it was fucking great.

What was so great about it? It's that freedom. Seeing things, seeing the world new, seeing cultures that were different than yours, meeting, and I didn't meet locals yeah the language is a real problem asia but i met germans at the hostels i was at i met people from england at the hostels i was at you talk i remember talking in did anyone recognize you twice one time on an island in cambodia i was walking down this kind of deserted beach with a girl. I was like, Ari Shafir?

And I was like, yeah. He goes, what the fuck, man? What are you doing here? I'm like, you know, same as you. Got from Henry Rollins later. People were like, what are you doing here? And he goes, I'm here to meet you. What's your story? He would just switch it around.

But I was in Acadia. People were like, what are you doing here? I was like, what do you mean? I'm in a national park. I'm here to hike. I'm here for the exact same reason you're here. Yeah, twice ever, which was also great. So I could be, I mean, I've told a bunch of comics this. I'm like, you are losing your sense of reality by being looked up to.

That's not the real, that's not the real world you don't understand and when trump got elected all these liberals that i was around again i'm not liberal or conservative i'm i'm this third thing the majority of the country i'm the majority i don't care um we could hear them talking about how could this like oh you've never got under your limo i know a really rich like woman comic and i'm like you've never been to date in ohio you wouldn't understand disillusionment there's the recession still going on in a lot of places you got to get out and talk to people so i remember talking in indonesia on an island it wasn't flores i forget um but over breakfast this german guy and he was telling me about um german workers

rights and the five-week standard vacation time they get and i was like what do you mean like first year out of college he goes yeah five weeks i don't know you do better after a while he's like how much do you guys get like two weeks and you're expected to not take it and he was like what so that kind'm like, two weeks and you're expected to not take it. And he was like, oh, and I'm like, what the,

so that kind of like talking to people makes you like realize, oh, some shit, that's wrong. Well, you learn more about your own country,

good and bad. I mean, you're in some places and you're like, God, I wish they did it the American way. Right,

a hundred percent. And in other countries, you're like, I wish we did that. Yeah. Oh, I mean, when I got home,

I noticed the first thing I noticed getting home was like the toilet paper in my country is so fucking soft. it's superior. It's like, it's like, I wish we did that. Yeah. I mean, when I got home, I noticed the first thing I noticed getting home was like the toilet paper in my country is so fucking soft. Oh, it's superior. It's like God takes a cloud and just wipes your ass. It's like Angora. Yeah.

And I learned to appreciate that. Yes. Yeah. It's like Angora. Exactly right. It does feel to me, I mean, having had, you know, a pretty failed educational experience,

but that you learn way more from a month abroad than you would in, say, a year in college. The gap year. I met these four or five Canadian chicks, 18, in a city in Myanmar. And we're all just talking. Everyone's talking. Everyone's so friendly and inviting and hostiles. Everyone's like, they'll see you. They're not ageists. They're sexist there's not even nobody even

pays for a woman's drinks they're like no no my money is my time i have left out here i saved up 10 grand if i buy a drink for anybody and it's not expected it's so the quality level is crazy but like you want to play card you know cards we're playing a game you want to sit in with us there's not like who are you it's they just don't have it there at hostels. And I was talking to these Canadian chicks and they were like, we're on gap year. And I was like, oh, we don't get gap year in America. No. But they're like, we don't get gap year.

We just took a year off. It's not a thing. It's not part of the curriculum. I don't know why we don't do it more. In between college and high school and college and grad school, that's a year to yourself. So, but weren't you worried about coming back to 70,000 text messages and emails?

Yeah, a little bit. My manager at the time was like, what if something big comes up? I'm like, I don't want it. Tell them no for me. It's like, what if something you'd want? I'm like, I want to do this. I want to disappear. Tell them no. I'll just have missed it. What if there's an emergency? What emergency? What if your dad dies? Then I'll mourn when I get home. I want to disappear. Tell them no. I'll just have missed it. What if there's an emergency? What emergency? What if your dad dies? Then I'll mourn when I get home. I don't need to mourn at the right time. Why did you do this again? My mental place was like, and when I did it, I just, I was kind of having a fight with Comedy Central. They wanted me to work nonstop. Oh, you understand this. Yeah. They wanted me to work nonstop. Oh, you understand this. Yeah. They wanted me to work nonstop.

I wanted some time off. That friend Duncan who, who fucked me over with, uh, with my name on the internet, with my number on the internet, didn't fuck me over. It was a fun prank.

I mean, he used to leave also like glasses of piss in my fridge. So like, so like whatever, when I say fuck me over in the most respectful way, but, um, that's not a respectful way.

You're in the fridge. but um that's not a respectful way you're in the fridge no that's not respectful i did it to my friend bobby kelly he was the one who called i pissed in a bottle and put it in his fridge he's like what if my wife found this i'm like right you would have been a lot of trouble um um what we say so you're fighting with i just was like you got to work and i'm like it takes me eight months to edit this like storytelling TV show that I was doing with other comics. And I'm like, I need some time off. And they're like, no,

we got to get back to another season. So Duncan was like, well, you want to see the world and this company you work for does wants you to not see the world. So I'm like, yeah, you're right.

I got to get out of here. And I just like, Hey, you got, I'm trusting you to book the show the next year. I'm trusting you to do this. I'm out. Handle it as best you can. But it might get fucked up. You ever read The Fountainhead?

Yeah. So when he leaves for vacation, things get fucked up. Oh, yeah. And he has to go correct it. He's got to blow some shit up. But at some point, you got to trust some people to like, you'll handle this. I mean,

they're going to upload this video. Right. You could stand over their shoulder. No. But you're like, and they might mess it up. They might not quite do it the way you want.

Yes. I mean, interrupting where you're like, I could tell you're like, I shouldn't interrupt. You should just get it right. But then they have to make it. You're trusting them to do it

so you can free yourself up to do other stuff. Anyway, trusted the people I had to trust and just got lost. What happened to your brain not being on text all day long? God damn, it was great.

So when I first got a flip phone, which was a halfway to that, I was talking at the Stan Comedy Club. I was talking to Nikki Glaser before she blew up. Yeah. But she was still, whatever, funny comic. And we're talking. Before the Tom Brady roast.

Way before the Tom Brady roast. And I'm friends with her, but not like good friends with her. And I'm sitting at the back table. We're talking. She's like, and this is day one of the flip phone. Like, I think day one or week one anyway. She goes, has it changed at all? What has it changed?

I'm like, I wouldn't be talking to you, Nikki. I'd be on my phone looking for someone else. This is all bullshit. And man i i loved it being out there in asia with no connection you're just there was one time in this like northern city in thailand i i met an american girl started talking about trump a little bit and and then it's like it's the same patterns of discussion we both looked at each other like we shouldn't do this and we're like yeah let's not where else have you been in asia like let's absolutely smart move let's switch a subject like what yeah it's just like you may have come to the obvious conclusion that the real debate is not between republican and democrat or socialist and

capitalist right left the real battle is between people who are lying on purpose and people who are trying to tell you the truth. It's between good and evil. It's between honesty and falsehood. And we hope we are on the former side. That's why we created this network, the Tucker Carlson Network. And we invite you to subscribe to it.

Go to tuckercarlson.com slash podcast. Our entire archive is there. A lot of behind the scenes footage of what actually happens in this barn when only an iPhone is running. tuckercarlson.com slash podcast. You will not regret it. Excuse me. Why are you walking so close behind me? Well, you're a tall guy. You throw a decent shadow when I'm walking in it to keep out of this bright sun. It hurts my eyes.

Okay, well, you know what? Specsavers, you can get two pairs of glasses from $149. And, oh, you'll like this. One can be a pair of prescription sunglasses. Sounds great. Where's the nearest store? Not far. Come on. Let's hurry then! To my count! 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2... Visit Specsavers.ca for details. Did you find a distance between what you were expecting and what you found?

I wasn't expecting anything. Like China, for example. You said... Yeah. So like China, it was so foreign. But what did you expect out of China? No, no. I told my agent, I was like like i'm getting this itch to travel

if you find any foreign gigs let me know i still wasn't making enough money to really but i was making some and he goes well i got you a 17-day tour of china beijing shanghai cities outside shanghai ending in hong kong cities outside hong kong and he goes doesn't pay very well but you know they'll fly fly out there hotels every night. And it pays you. I think like, I think it was like, I don't know.

It was like three grand, four grand. And I was like, buddy, that's more than I was making two years ago. That's great. And to go see, and it's just like tasting food.

Like what the fuck is this? Seeing that they don't take them bones out of their meat. They just cleaver it all. I was picking up a song with chops. I'm like, what the fuck? There's bones in these pieces of meat. And they need a it all. I was picking up some of the chops. I'm like, what the fuck? There's bones in these pieces of meat. And they're like,

you need a fork. I'm like, that's not the issue. Get the eyeball out of my soup. Um, yeah. And it was just like, I don't know what I was expecting,

but I told you like I was at the Beijing comedy scene. It was, they were in the Hutongs of Beijing doing blow. And I was like, isn't it punctable by death here? And they go, they don't care about white drugs. They only care about yellow drugs. What are yellow drugs?

The opium. Oh. Stuff that the Chinese would lose their lives to. They're like, you guys kill yourselves with coke. We don't care. We don't do that. So it doesn't matter. You can't import it.

But if you do it, they'll just kill you. Somebody actually in the Beijing thing got caught with coke. They stamped a passport, never allowed to return, and sent them home. You can't import it, but if you do it, they'll just get... Somebody actually in the Beijing thing got caught with Coke. They stamped their passport, never allowed to return, and sent them home. She went home, steamed out that part of her passport, went right back. And they don't have computer systems there. So it's like, welcome to China. Anyway, we're doing Coke in the Hutongs, having a good time.

And then we're walking around. It was like 3, 3.30 a.m it was hot this was like a june i think and um went to a bodega and bought like a 20 ounce like heineken and i'm like you can't do that where i'm from you can't buy a beer at night and walk around with it but there they're like as long as you don't skull anybody with it, what's the issue? It's like having a knife. If you stab someone, that's now a weapon. If you just have it to whittle, it's not a weapon. Right.

And then there's like, so it's like, oh, wow, you can do these fun. And then my friends were like, can you get on Google? And it's like, no, you cannot. You cannot search anything. But that's not a problem for you. I mean, I still want to find out where's a good restaurant in town. But I have more fun just walking and finding a good restaurant. You know, it's like discovery is. So in other words, it sounds like it was freer than you thought it was. So free. And then you learn how

to like adapt and overcome. I was, they tell you to take a, if you're in a hotel early, I'm better at it now. They tell you to take a business car from the hotel so you can show it to someone who does not speak english get me home to a cab driver did not it was world cup um we're all at a bar watching at like 2 a.m i was hooked up with this chick who was there no although i did hook up with the chinese chick she took me home when their dad came with a fucking bat and chased me out no way actually yeah yeah it was pretty fucking nutty yeah but you know no harm no foul nothing nothing but so you scampered out oh yeah yeah like putting on your pants running you know it was so fucking fun but then i had to like get this cab home after world cup i'm making out with this chick and then i was like uh the sheraton he's, I mean, I may as well,

but just be to him, you know? And I'm like the Sheraton that's Chinese, by the way. Yeah. That's pretty close. And then I remembered like, I forgot.

He's like, no, I got to get out of the car. Torrential rain. And I'm like, fuck, I'm soaked to the bone. Another cab,

the Sheraton hotel, no understanding at all. I'm like, fuck. And then I'm like, it's near the train station. So another cab. And I'm like, true, true'm like it's near the train station so another cab and i'm like he's like he said something and i'm like sure and until we got close enough the train

station i'm like forget that share i see it share it to that but you just figure it out i'm my flip flop started breaking and um in uh that was that first trip. But in Indonesia, they started breaking and I couldn't find 11 and a half size shoes. They just, people don't come that big in that part of the world. They don't have GMOs. Looked and looked and looked. In Cambodia, found like a bunch of 10 size, you know, flip. And they're like, they'll stretch. I'm like, the bottom doesn't stretch.

It's the top that stretches. And not a size and a half. Finally found some, some quick silver one in like a real store. And they broke, they were fake. They broke pretty fast. It kind of flopped,

whatever. And I was like, I was going to throw them away, but I'm like, oh, I can't, I won't find more shoes. So you're like,

I have to fix these shoes. So you just go look for super glue. You just learn to overcome situations. The bus is gone. What do I do? how do i talk to people in another language it's so fun it's getting places by the end i ended in east timor and i was like i should learn some of the language some tetum i talked to a italian, uh, Italian lady in, um, Indonesia.

She was really learning Bahasa, uh, Indonesia. She was like really good at it. Like actually learning. She hear a word. She's like, what's that word?

And you write it down. It was kind of inspirational. So I was like, I got to do that for, for East Timor. So I could get by and like place to sleep. I know how to say that. Uh,

I don't remember anything. Fatim Descanza. It get by. I'm like, place to sleep. I know how to say that. I don't remember anything. Fatim Descanca. It was like a hybrid of Portuguese. I can't fact check that for you. Yeah, thank you. So you'd go to a small town. I'm like, Fatim Descanca. And they'd point you to some place and you'd get closer. Fatim Descanca.

And they're like, Fatim Descanca. I'm like, yeah, come this way. And they'd feed you and give you a place for five bucks. What's Myanmar like? And why is it no longer called Burma? Do you know? I don't. Oh.

So they got a bunch of bad press from human rights violations. Yeah. Like change the name. Is that really why they rebranded the whole country? Yeah, they moved the capital to the middle of nowhere so no one can protest. It's like moving DC to two hours outside Wichita. Really?

Who's going to go there to protest? Only the hardcore people. Did it feel repressive? No. Because it was only certain regions and foreigners are not allowed to stay in those regions. So it didn't really come up. They're also not allowed to rent motorized vehicles.

Foreigners aren't. Yeah. So they had e-bikes. They just worked their way around. So they had e-bikes in like Bagan and places like that. You can rent an e-bike. Just an electronic bike. They had to like,

it's like a, you know, motorized golf cart versus a electric. But there was one time we saw there was a bus. It took you like this way from Inlay Lake to maybe Mandalay. I forget. And it took you way over here, then all the way back, you know,

like this route. And me and a couple of friends, like, it's like three hours this way or six hours, but it's like 17 hours this way. It's like, nah, let's just get our own way.

Let's not take it like a bus. Let's take it like little shuttles and stuff. So we did, we stopped this way. It's like, nah, let's just get our own way. Let's not take it like a bus. Let's take it like little shuttles and stuff. So we did, we stopped halfway in. We're like, let's get out of here. Some fucking tiny town. It was cool.

Went to a hotel. I was like, can we, can we stay here? And they're just like, like looking at us and we're like, like do the bell. Somebody comes up and it was like,

hi, two rooms. And they're just like, and they're just like kind of talking to each other, staring at us. And we're like, is this a hotel? They're just like looking at us. And eventually somebody like calls somebody on the phone. They like, give me the phone.

Someone spoke English in the capital, Yangon. Like you can't stay there. Foreigners can't stay there. How'd they know you're a foreigner? Long nose. One of the buddies I was with there was like, I don't want to take my, he's a photographer, he goes, I don't want to take my camera because they'll know I'm a tourist. He goes, you're a six foot one

white guy in Myanmar. They're going to know. She goes, you can't stay there. She's got to turn around. I'm like, no, no, we just came. She goes, you got to go south. I'm like, we just came from south. We're going north. She goes, no, you can't. I'm like, the bus, we're off the bus. It's gone. And I was like, well, came from South. We're going North. She goes, no, you can't. I'm like, the bus, we're off the bus. It's gone.

And I was like, well, can we stay at a fucking monastery? Because they sort of have to take you in. And she just started laughing. She goes, you can't stay in the region. And I started like, I'm pretty good at playing pretend. So I was pretend poor while I was there. I was just like like whatever you guys's level is that's me so when they're bitching about a two dollar more expensive hostel i'm like i know

right i can like sell it to myself you know i know it's the common people you could call your father and he'd like end it all um but i just ignored that so i'm like crying i'm like but i can't we can't we don't have we can't go We're going north. I don't know what to do. And she's like, all right. So she goes, we'll call a local minister to come and talk to you. He came in. He's like, all right, we found another hotel that you can stay in. But he's doing you a fucking favor.

This isn't allowed. He's helping you. Like, okay. And then we're there. We're walking around. My buddy shut down the market by just being white and walking through. It was like the parting of the sea. They're all doing their work

and they're like, like, what the fuck is this guy doing? With love and admiration or fear and loathing? It's like if you see somebody seven foot eight.

Yeah. It's just weird. Yeah. It's just like, what? And you've never seen a white. It's crazy. They're like,

can you take a picture? All through Asia, can you take a picture? All through Asia. Can you take a picture? I'm like, yeah, sure. Do you have fun? Like, no, no. I want to be on your camera. I want my image to go back to America.

I think it'd be so cool. You know, hold my baby. Let me take a picture of you holding my baby. It's crazy. Every black guy I know, they're like, can we touch your hair? No, they wouldn't ask. They would just touch their hair. And he goes, excuse me.

They're like, right. And it was nuts. But so we stayed in a place. Then we started walking. They would just touch their hair. And he goes, excuse me. They're like, right. And it was nuts. But so we stayed in a place. Then we started walking. We're just touring around. We saw a statue on maps.me, like a maps app. It was like statue. So we're like, all right, let's go to the statue.

It was near an army base, like a junta base, which is like, they have rebels there in these regions. And some of them work with the government. Some of them are against the government. Some of them have deals with each other. I don't fully know. I wasn't there for the government. Anyway, them are against the government. Some of them have deals with each other. I don't fully know. I wasn't there for the government. Anyway, we're there taking a picture, hanging out. Six or seven army people with machine guns come out, went right at us.

What are you doing here? Nothing. What are you doing? You're taking pictures of that? Like, yeah, it's a statue. Give me the pictures. Let me see. Delete them.

Where's your passports? Like, I don't know. They're back at our hotels. Let's go. Let's go see them. Where's your passports? Like, I don't know. They're back at our hotels. Let's go. Let's go see them. And they just let us machine gun style back to our hotel to get our passports. It's just, this is a no foreigners region.

And, uh, was there, I mean, anything worth hiding there that you saw? No, no, there's like a secret nuclear program or anything.

No, it was just some poor people with like makeshift guns and like, yeah. And then, and then we got back and the people that were like makeshift guns and like, yeah. And then, and then we got back and the people that were like, what, why let's play soccer. We all tried to do the hacky sack soccer thing.

They loved it. I got violent diarrhea and food poisoning there. That was more notable than the machine gun stuff. That's required. So four and a half months on the road, you come back to your country and what do you notice? Okay. That's a good question. And actually I can tie that into this this jew special also so you see everything fresh when

you get back yeah clean clear eyes yes you do yeah even probably what'd you do a month in australia two weeks yeah two and a half weeks even that amount of time for sure off it's enough time to be like oh it's just worse for the trees for a moment and it was a little overcrowded yeah the cities even dc and the metro like this is too industrial yes i went to visit my parents first surprised them they were like so stoked they haven't talked to me and i went right to them i just walked through the door i I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, it was really nice. Yeah, it's, it's, it's overbuilt, but also very clean.

But, but then also I was in, I was in France. I took a writing class in France. I got back, beautiful city, Paris. Got back to New York.

I'm like, there's writing on every surface here. Someone has graffitied every, this city is disgusting compared to Paris. Like the, whatever. And Paris is pretty disgusting. Yeah. But that old town,

you know, it's great. I mean, parts. Yeah. And then it's like, why is everything written on? Why is everyone signed their fucking name on every fucking surface?

But so you notice those things like that. You don't notice. So I'm trying to remember what I noticed there. It was just a lot of anger, a lot of hustle and bustle. Toilet paper was soft. Did it seem angrier than when you left? Well, I didn't check my email right away.

The lady I sent it to was an employee back then. I was like, don't give it to me yet. I'm not ready for it yet. And then I did, and it was like, fuck give it to me yet I'm not ready for it yet um and then I did and it was like fuck it was over overwhelming amount of requests I would I would need and people asking for things

even to weigh in on this or that I'm like a lot of fucking tasks I didn't realize yeah I didn't realize how much response that's what it was the overwhelming amount of responsibility. And I'm not in a high responsibility field. That's true. And it was just like needing to return texts and emails and weigh in on this and pay your bill and do that.

It's just like, it was so freeing before. So here's what I noticed when I did the juice special, it was weird because I've never done this before, but I was living with a ghost for about five years. I was living with a guy who was dead. That, that version of me isn't here anymore. Right?

Like the yeshiva student, the yeshiva kid. Yeah. He's gone. He's been long gone. And I was living there and trying to remember this ancient religion and ancient time in my life. And I was lost. And it was a very lonely hour.

Usually it's like in relation to other things. And I finished it. And I kind of came for air. And I looked around and everybody was very angry. I came back into the world. And it was like everyone's mad about everything yeah um my friends were obsessed with stories that i didn't even know were happening like what there's some chick with no dicks was swimming with a dick swimming against other chicks with dicks.

Like their whole life is fucking worried about it. And it's like, none of this concerns you. None of this concerns you. That there's a trans swimmer or that there's COVID vaccine or that it's like, dude, chill out. All of you are mad about every little thing. And it's like, I don't know what happened in those five years. People got fucking mad.

I just came up and I was like seeing it. It wasn't like, you know, when a kid, you see a 10-year-old, you see him five years later, like, well, you got so fucking big. Or five to 10. Yeah, other people's kids. Yeah, but if you see him every month, you don't notice it. So I was like dropped out, popped back in. And everybody was at each other's throats. Everybody's so actively political.

How do you avoid that? I don't read the news. I try to change the subject. I try to have tools. Change the subject. How do you change the subject? How do you focus on positivity? You must be the only resolutely nonpolitical person with a public voice left.

There's a few of us. My friend Big Jay, we were talking once we got a we did a week together in miami probably the worst city in america um i thought i heard it was the best who told you that a fucking i don't know real estate agent yeah exactly um it's so disgusting they value only beauty no intelligence if you're a girl growing up in florida they will not reward your a plus in scott high school they reward your new hairstyle yeah anyway we got a beach house we're talking he goes i like biden this was three years ago i was like why do you like biden you don't vote he goes i hear about him less than the other guy and i'm like what a great reason to like one over the

other yeah we do hear way more about this guy than that guy. If you're a non-political, I just want you to be away from it. You deal with it. Yeah, you avoid it. You learn how to change the subject. But aren't a lot of comedians pretty absorbed with it? Yeah, but we don't even know anything. Yeah, I've noticed.

It's like we don't know anything we're weighing in. So here's what I do. It's like you start to get an argument and we're like, well, mainly my stance is I don't know anything we're weighing in so here's what i do it's like you start getting an argument and we're like well mainly my stance is i don't care but if you ask me to take a stance on ford versus chevy you know something that doesn't matter what do you think's better it's like well 95 of my reaction is i don't know or care whatever i can get a better deal on is good but with that other five percent i'm going to say, I think Chevy's better. Why? I just kind of feel that way. Okay, so everybody's

only publicly weighing in on their 5% and not their 95%, which is I don't give a fuck. No one cares about women's college swimming. No one's ever cared about women's college swimming. You don't think so? No. I didn't even know it existed. Shut the fuck up.

And they're obsessed with it. They're fucking obsessed with women's amateur aquatics. Fuck off. Eat a dick. Shut up, dude. What are we talking about? What are the issues

that get you spun up? The Yankees. Mid-season collapse that's every fucking year. But I know it doesn't matter. I know this is fake. I'm not pretending it's an actual real thing. I'll bitch about somebody going to a slump, but I know at the end,

I'm just playing pretend angry. It doesn't really matter. So there are no issues that get you mad? Stand-up, people coming after stand-ups. Who's coming after stand-ups? It's a lot of people it's a it's an interesting time for my industry but tell me how i love this thing you used to do on your on your tv show where you're like play dumb to get an

answer it's really fun it's actually really i am dumb but that doesn't interesting you you think you would be rewarded for helping a little woman cause a stranger and you're saying you were not rewarded that's that's all it's called evoking an answer so i'm trying to pull back and keep my many opinions out of it yeah it's smart it's a good way to do it like instead of like weighing in and go i know you're right and weighing in it's like keep talking well you know more about the top no as sincerely i i don't know that i know a million stand-ups and i like a lot of them but i don't know that much about your business yeah so you get a lot of people it's it's worse when it's from the inside with other comedians weighing in saying that crossed the line publicly oh do you get that yeah it's disappointing it's really disappointing because it is already a battle um you're trying to get people to laugh at like dark stuff,

really dark stuff, school shootings. You're trying to get them to laugh at it. You're trying to find joy in a terrible thing. 9-11 jokes, Holocaust jokes, AIDS jokes, rape jokes. You're trying to get them to find making fun. Break that down. We're creating fun. People are like, you're making fun of this.

Right, I'm creating fun out of a terrible situation. That guy, Don Barris, used to run the G&A. There was a time we had a friend die. Freddy Soto died. I don't know what. Just in his sleep one day. Really helpful. Looked out for everybody. Really

supportive guy when we all started. Nobody could believe it. At the time, I was like what the at the time i was banned from the comedy store for beating up bobby lee too much i was angry about a chick and i was taking it on him and i was just every chance i get i was punching him and they were like all right you're out you can't be here and i live two blocks away and i got the call freddie soda died i was like what the fuck and these bands always lasted between a month and six months and then would end.

You were always welcome back. But at the time I was banned, we couldn't understand Freddie Soto dying. It was the first one that died that I knew of. And it was like, I remember walking down the steps in my apartment, then just collapsing on the steps. And then I met someone in front of the comic store, another comic. We just hugged and we sat on the, on the, on the sidewalk,

like with our feet on the street and just like sitting there. And Don Barris comes up and he goes, I'm glad you're letting the band be enforced. You shouldn't be in here. It's good. You're on the street. It was just a cathartic laugh. He made fun out of a terrible situation.

And that's what some of us are trying to do. Others are trying to do like funny do funny lollipop jokes. Well, it is true that funerals and wakes, memorial services, the saddest get-togethers that we have, they always wind up in hilarity. Have you experienced that? Yeah. This guy, Bob Oshak, who ran the memorial for Freddy Soto,

it was in the main room of the Comedy Store, and he starts off. He was really good friends and best friends they started together and he goes you know this is a weird time and he set the tone right away he goes um you know i'm here um it's just weird that it took freddie dying for me to finally get a main room spot and just mitsy starts laughing and it's just like it's just like hey we're gonna enjoy this we're not gonna cry we're going to but we're gonna try not to so that's what we do and then some people are just not understanding it it's almost it's almost but other stand-ups are policing their colleagues they fall it used to do we just talk shit about

them it when i was doing a blow job joke a long time ago and mark maron was just like looking at me like whatever and he goes you're smarter than that man that sucks but he like i said wasn't he didn't put me in a moral low ground him in a high ground he was just like you're smarter than that but i'm like yeah smart people also like getting their fucking balls drained they can all relate to it it's universal it works in romania in china in america everybody can relate to it i don't see a problem with it some stupid jokes are fine um but it wasn't a fight. You know, we would just talk shit

about each other behind our backs in a fun way. Oh, that guy's just doing like alt jokes. He sucks. He sucks. But like,

never go publicly about it. Now it's this thing, this moral high ground. You get activated online where you just feel like. Have you been attacked by other standups? Yeah.

Yeah. But also, far more, the real story is I've been supported by other standups? Yeah. Yeah. But also far more. The real story is I've been supported by other standups. Yeah. I would imagine. At a 95% rate. Would they attack the Kobe Bryant stuff?

They attack you for that? A few. But even in that, it was mostly positive texts. How you doing? You okay? I thought that was hilarious. And then a few knuckleheads. That's it.

Who just felt. You got punished for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It ruled out. I got a call from Milo going, good one, bro.

Nice one. You got a lot of people mad. I'm like, thanks, buddy. Coming from you. That's fucking awesome. So Milo appreciated it. Yeah. Duncan was like, I think this might be your best one.

I'm like, yeah, I know. I made a city crumble. Yeah. It was great. I turned comedians into hypocrites. They were all like, if you don't like a joke, just walk away. And now these same guys, because they live in LA or they were black. They were like, this is going too far.

I'm like, ha ha. You have no ideals. I found you. I found your fucking, it's all, Oh, just walk far. I'm like, ha ha, you have no ideals. I found you. I found your fucking, it's all, oh, just walk away if it's a rape joke. But if it's a fucking about one of your heroes, you're like, oh no, I don't like it. You've never been triggered. Now you're triggered. Now you understand those people walking out.

He's screaming as they walk out. It's also helpful for the rest of us to know who they are, the phonies. Yeah. It's just like. Did you get dropped by your management for that manager dropped me she was also getting death threats at home because you made fun of kobe bryant dude laker fans are retarded they're not smart people they've only had winners so they don't understand what struggle is they're just they're dumb they're bad people they're laker fans so how when she called you what'd she say your your man she was like i think that's i think They're dumb. They're bad people. They're Laker fans.

So when she called you, what'd she say? She was like, I think she might have texted me. She's like, I think that's the end of the road for us. But I'm getting these like, they're going to come to me. They doxed her. They're like, I'm going to come to your house and rape you. It's like, ugh, don't deal with that. Yeah, get out of here.

What are you guys doing? They upped it. They upped it at that point. I never seen them up it like that. Instead of going after you, they'll go after other people. Like your loved ones to try to hurt you. And it's like, well, what did they do? It's just idiots.

You know, online going, it's like, they're all playing, if they actually saw someone, they wouldn't do that. You know, they actually, nothing actual in real life, by the way, zero, only online stuff. And I tried to calm everybody down. I was like, guys, I've been getting death threats for two decades. This isn't real.

This is gamer talk. This is just gamer talk. Well, that's true. Yeah. The best one was this guy was like, if you come to North Carolina, I'll kick your fucking ass. I swear to God. And then an hour later, he wrote back. He goes, okay, I see you're to North Carolina, I'll kick your fucking ass. I swear to God. And then an hour later, he wrote back. He goes, okay, I see you're in North Carolina right now.

But if you come to Greensboro, North Carolina, I'm not going to really kick your ass. I'm like, no, you took a shot already, dork. You took your shot. Shut up. If I ever see you, I'll kill you. I'm like, my tour schedule's there. Have some fucking ideals. Come get me.

Do you worry about that? I used to in the very beginning. But it was never even a fuck you in person. It was never even a like, shut up, fuck you. It was never even that, let alone actual danger. So you've never had anybody come to your house or hassle you or anything like that no no but online and they went after other people and so then but no one i was never punished from any moral your manager shouldn't drop you i mean i felt sorry i feel sorry for her hearing about it that she got threatened yeah but you're paying this person to have your back in moments exactly like this right

yeah right so to abandon you in one of those moments is pretty much the greatest dereliction of duty imaginable yeah we're not really friends anymore yeah yeah um yeah exactly like you guys this is the time just what's's the whole point, right? Yeah. Help me through this. Yeah. It's not when you're like. Oh yeah.

And then my producer pulled out cause they were like, I was going to do that special. And then he was like, I can't do it. Cause he was in LA. LA people thought it was the end of the world. And I was like, what? No, it's nothing. Even, I even had an Uber driver. I'd come back from Charlotte.

I was doing a gig in Charlotte when it happened. And I came back, sat in an Uber driver and he was talking. He was like I was doing a gig in Charlotte when it happened. And I came back, sat in an Uber driver and he was talking. He was like, uh, sure about this Kobe Bryant guy. I was like, yeah,

he goes, I was like, what do you, what do you think about it? He goes, it's just weird there. I don't know. It's like,

it's sad, but like it's him and his daughter and the seven other people, they don't seem to give a fuck about those seven other people. And I'm like, right, right. That's fair. You got i'm like right right that's fair you got it that's that's where these jokes are when some celebrity dies and i'm mocking them

online it's because like you guys value celebrity life over a normal life well you also made a pretty biting point i thought well i'll tell you my reaction which is i never credit criticize anyone when he dies okay right so there's that but i'm not a stand-up but i thought you made a totally fair point i'm not against kobe bryant but he was credibly accused of rape yeah they hassled the woman until she dropped dropped out right started spreading rumors about her seven other people seeming inside it was like no during the trial right and stuff we wouldn't hold by today and he he admitted that she never gave consent but he implied non-verbally that there was consent and that he strangled her so like there was something there his words

although at the time i didn't realize i now know she does not think she gave me consent it's like all right so i'm not much that's his word right i'm not much of a feminist even i'm like no that sounds like great to me by the way also i don't really care what i'm doing is making fun of our society well that's exactly that's exactly it i haven't stayed up late worrying about kobe bryant's assault uh either but these are the same people who are telling me to value all women and believe all women or whatever but they actually don't care at all it was wild and you made that point and i was in la fair point as a laker hater it's going well they're not gonna let him off like he'll be going to jail hoping he would because like i want the lakers to fail yeah and then when it became time for him to go to like

when he retired i'm like they're not gonna let him have a retirement season the women of la the liberal fucking women of la are never gonna let this accused rapist get through his fucking victory lap without mentioning it. And they were so cucky. They just were like, no, we don't go after black people. We only go after white people. That's just the way it is. So this has been brewing inside you for a while. Well, I hate the Lakers. I just like, whatever. I had a bid on an old, old album of just, it was called hashtag fuck the lakers i was in denver i was like oh this is where he fucking raped that chick right here

did people laugh yeah of course why do you hate the lakers um well i don't really it's just fun but it's because they killed comedy shows in la every time they're in the playoffs it'd be up 3-0 in the first round and a game when they'd be the one seed against an eight seed and you'd have a show and no one would show up because they all had to watch the bandwagon fans had to watch the fucking Lakers. So I'm like, I fucking hate the Lakers. Nobody hates the Clippers. No.

So you just lean into it. My number one team is anti-Lakers. That's totally fair. My number two team is the Pelicans. When you tell jokes in China, do you tailor them to a Chinese audience and like what's a funny joke in china so anywhere else it's you get halfway through a joke and realize ah shit you're not gonna understand this reference like you don't even think about it dog eating joke or something like that no you don't do that they were just like very clear do not make fun of the government and i was like okay and they're

like listen we're gonna tell you twice because I know you're a comedian. We're comedians. We can tell you that it's going to make you want to do it. Don't do it. We'll get shut down. There's a chance to get arrested. There's a chance we get arrested. Don't do it. It's not like it won't be, it won't work. It's going to be painful for all of us. And I still did one anyway. I was like talking about anti-government at the time. And I was like, my country needs a fucking mouth to come fucking fucking murder all our senators and they were like whoa whoa and i was like no it's pro-mao it's pro-mao like change the fucking subject yeah but anyway that kobe stuff some people just like weighed in and got mad and they were like

he shouldn't say this i was like fuck off wait other stand-ups said that yeah a few like who i'm nah but like uh they know who they are it doesn't matter others were mad but just like shouldn't say this. I was like, fuck off. Wait, other standups said that? Yeah, a few. Like who? Um, nah, but like, uh, they know who they are. It doesn't matter. Others were mad, but just like,

personally, like, dude, come on, man. Ms. Pat called me. It was like, all right,

you can't make fun of our heroes. Like, make fun of Dennis Rodman. And I was like, all right, or Michelle Obama. She goes, no,

not Michelle Obama. I'll tell you, you can make fun of, but she just called and like, and like would check up on me and stuff like that. And then other people, she'd be like, fuck that fat bitch for going against you.

Um, as Pat rules. But like the normal people would just check on you and never say a word. You know, some people like fought tooth and nail to be like, defend me. Um, other people were just like,

it's not my fight, but I hope you're doing okay. Who defended you? Mark Norman went hard on me once, not not hard on me hard for me on a radio show in san diego talking about how like the jokes are jokes if you didn't like it's just you didn't like it uh andrew schultz went on the breakfast club a very black show oh yeah and was like you guys are way off you're way off i mean that was ballsy to go on a black show he was a yeah. And was like, you guys are way off. You're way off. I mean, that was ballsy to go on a black show. He was a black hero. So just like when Cosby stuff came out and they didn't want to hear it, they didn't want

to hear this either. So I like bringing it up. Again, it's not about Kobe. It's about them worshiping heroes. So he was like, no, it's a fucking joke. You guys are getting it wrong. And then that was over. How did that go over?

They were fighting him and he was fighting back. Good for him. Schultz has always been on the right side of this. Other people, Hinchcliffe, some people, he goes hard defending. Just to any comic there, air and the cider just defending your art form. Don't even say, hey, I didn't find the joke funny, but it's his right to say it. Don't even say that part. Just say the second part.

It's his right to say it. Why? When everyone's coming against somebody for a joke, be like, I didn't find it funny. Don't say that. You would never say that normally. You would never in times of peace go,

I didn't find that. But Tony Hinchcliffe defended you. Tony, no. Schultz defended Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, when he had a, they all get their puffles,

you know? Who else? Oh, Tim Dillon made like really funny jokes about it good for him you know tim right he was just here yeah in fact i texted with him yesterday he fit in this chair he's slim these days yeah he's in fighting form yeah he's on a diet of fucking twinkum um i didn't ask you about that i don't think he's really gay. I don't think that.

I don't think that. We'd all be like, prove it. Kiss one guy in front of us. Totally. Do you remember Pete Buttigieg ran for president? He's supposedly gay. And now he's transportation secretary. And I had one of my producers was gay. And he goes, you know, he's not gay.

I was like, are you serious? He goes, no, that's complete bullshit. Wow. Oh, oh no he goes and you know they all gays all keep very close track of that stuff yeah oh yeah and my producer's like no that's that's it's totally opposed he was dating women just a few years ago that's totally fake he's not gay at all smart so i said that on the air people got all offended i thought it was kind of hilarious it is hilarious yeah it is it is hilarious yes and you're also, I'm not against gays. I'm saying he's not one. Well, that's what I said.

Yeah. So Tim went on and he goes, he plays a good dumb sometimes on purpose. Oh, totally. Like you do with the questions. He does that with dumb. He had this thing about when they were trying to ban Apu.

And he had Giannis Papas has this like old Greek guy character. And he was like asking questions to Pete about, about Apu, asking questions to Tim about Apu. And he goes, this man, he is a,

he's a bad father. He goes, Oh no, he's actually a great father. There's a white character in the show. It was a really, he chokes his children. He's a really bad father,

but Apu is now he's got eight kids and he's really wonderful. So he, he's I'm sort of deadbeat. No small business owner. He goes, I don't get it. And Tim's like, yeah, no he's got eight kids and he's really wonderful so he uh he's i'm sort of deadbeat no small business owner he goes i don't get it and tim's like yeah i don't know they just don't like a anyway so he did that with me where he goes um he goes ari's actions and his words were terrible to take a hero like that and make fun of her and his and his um and his producer's like yeah it's tough it's like it's just like can't, on the day of a death,

to make fun of Aretha Franklin. It's so shitty. And the producer's like, no, no, no. It was not. No, no, I read it. He did a thing about Aretha Franklin. And he goes, that was a different one. He goes, oh, so he does this all the time?

It's not about this one thing that they hear? No, he said something about Aretha Franklin. He's like, it's not that. He goes, well, I'm pretty pissed about the Aretha Franklin thing from like three years earlier. It was just a way of saying like, guys, shut the fuck up in a funny way. That was like the most creative way to do it. Oh, that's inspiring. Does anybody pay any attention at all to the late night hosts?

No. Like that's not even a category anymore. I guess, but that's, but not even. So funny. You see them sometimes like crying about something. You're like,

what happened to your industry? You're crying. But when you were a kid, I mean, that's all it was. Yeah. That was it. You'd watch the tonight show monologue.

But when you guys get to, when like you and Tim Dillon are having dinner, you're not talking about what Kimmel said. No. Occasionally, we will talk, I'm trying to stay positive.

So occasionally, we'll talk about how cool Kimmel used to be and how that is really him, the cool guy. Yeah. And he's, I don't know,

playing pretend or whatever. Kimmel had a, there was a roast for a local kind of lunatic comedian, Peter Chen. We had a sort of fake roast. As distinct from other comedians? What does that mean?

He was a bit crazy. The owner of the comic store passed him to let everyone else kind of fuck with him. He was a bit of a, yeah, not me lunatic or you lunatic, but like off. And when a standup says that, it's real. A terrible, terrible comedy. Like no future, no past comedian. Yeah. And so he was just a local, like at the comedy store, he was like, you could just fuck with him all the time.

He was crazy and angry, driven to anger at all times. So it was fun to fuck with him. So we had a roast for him. And everyone you know did their thing then it's his turn to get up and he goes uh to everybody's like you say this about me i but i you are the man uh nice you wear a plaid shirt not straight lines and like he thinks he's getting you and then he goes to jimmy kimmel was on the on the dais um i mean it's 80 seater. That's got 30 people in it. He might've already had a show. I might not have,

but, but he goes, and Jimmy, you'll say, I am a snake. You are a snake. And Jimmy Kimmel cracked his beer bottle. I was like,

I'll fucking kill you. That's who he is. He's a funny guy. I don't know what that is, but he's a funny guy. I don't know what that is, but he's a funny guy. What about the other two? Who was it? Fallon? Yeah, Fallon. I can't remember.

And the guy from The Daily Show. The guy from The Daily Show. Yeah. I've never seen The Daily Show. His old show is pretty funny the fake republican very funny yeah i agree um you know fallon's a fucking he's also he's so clean on there but i don't think he's that clean i think he's like a boozer and a fun guy from what i hear i don't know so that's totally, that's not even a factor in comedy. Yeah, I did like,

I did like when he goes, when they were like, hey, you're losing the ratings to the other guy, to the Daily Show guy. You need to talk about Trump and stuff. And he goes, that's just not me. I play ping pong with guests.

So if everyone wants to hear that, then you should go to that guy. But if you want to hear a good lip sync battle, I'm your guy. Well, good for him. Yeah, exactly. Know who you are. Yeah, I just think more comics should do that stay in your lane be funny you can write

a tweet against trump or biden make it a joke so many comics louis said this because comics fuck themselves over because they were like it's just a joke it's just a joke but as an audience member you're like but a lot of you guys are not joking legitimately you're making serious statements so how are we the audience to know when you're joking and when you're not this guy might be the worst president of all time that's not a joke no make it a joke this guy's a worse president than kermit was at being a fucking i don't know i don't know i don't know but there's a joke possible so then what do you make of chapelle in january great comic. Well, of course he is. But there's also a, and there's not a criticism.

Yeah. I've seen it. Of what? Well, there's a, it's all, like his, he did this, the tranny special he did was like an editorial. It was not, he was not joking. He was serious. Is that good or bad? There's a thing I'll say that happens to a lot of people.

You get some, and it's not necessarily him because everyone's on their own path, but you get some backlash. Yeah. And then instead of just allowing that to be backlash, you want, I think it comes from a place of you want to win those people over and explain you're not the guy.

You're not the guy they think. And you want to win those people over and explain you're not the guy. You're not the guy they think. And you want to win them over. But then what happens is your creative output is spent trying to win over people who hate you instead of trying to please the people who do love you. And that's your core group. And keep honoring them. And these other people, it sways them all. It's so smart. When the people go really.

I just got it. That is a really smart observation. Thanks, buddy. It's so smart. When the people go really- I just got it. That is a really smart observation. Thanks, buddy. It's not just comedy that- No, I'm saying- Fucking anti-Semite. All we can be is a brain. You have a high verbal intelligence, I'll say.

No, I think that's a really insightful thing to say. It's not just comedians, by the way, who do this. Yeah, right, right, right. Right. Yeah. And then it just keeps going further and further over until you're this warped fucking golem version of yourself. Yes.

And you're like, what happened to you? And I've seen it. They won, actually. They won. Your enemies won. The critics won. Because they distorted you. And it's not even like, let me do a good joke about this.

It's, hey, I was already done with that. So I'm not going to keep doing jokes. I'm not. So people ask me about when I did this Jew thing, like you should come out in a helicopter and do whatever.'m like guys that was a throwaway line on a fucking three minutes you only hear about so that's what you want me to be i was never gonna cover that again that was the one joke about the fucking lakers i moved on to other stuff you want me to live in that forever that's that's crazy so you keep doing also artists do this when they get positive

feedback well it's like i do a bunch of different paintings but this one's about deer seem to sell more so well i guess i'll paint more deers and it's like that's not your natural progression as a visual artist as a painter so how do you keep in can't read any of it you can't read any feedback positive feedback is just as deadly as negative yes i agree yeah people telling you we like that you i liked you this is exactly right yeah can't read anything can't allow it in that's right you can you as a comic we got something that nobody gets is immediate reaction uh i can hear the laughs yes we know when it's good and when it's bad and sometimes when you're starting somebody like no no they were laughing in the back you couldn't hear i'm like they're facing no, they were laughing in the back. You couldn't hear. I'm like,

they're facing me. I can hear, I got the best seat in the house for the laughs. And I know when there's good laughs and bad laughs. And I know even in that 15 minute set that I thought was bad, there was one joke that killed and the other 14 were not good. So I'm aware what the line was for this crowd. And I failed and it's okay.

And they tell you like, no, there's that. I can tell from immediate feedback. I don't have to go home and go, who was saying anything about it online? I know what worked. Every time they come out with a thing against comics,

they're like, and this fucking crowd was laughing. This crowd doesn't know me. Especially if it's at the cellar, the stand or the comedy store. This is not our crowds. They're just there for the show. And we're going on. And if you're making them laugh,

that's a bunch of strangers laughing. That's all the feedback you need. Or a bunch of strangers not laughing. And that's also great feedback. You know? Occasionally you'll get a comedian go, hey, there's something there. Don't give up on that joke.

Wait, wait. Everything you're saying is true and wise, more important. But there's also the reality of touring for any gig, which is you wind up in a hotel room alone. Yeah. And there's nothing to do. It's depressing.

And you're on your phone and you're like, I wonder what the reaction to this was. That's fair. And I should say this. I fall to it constantly. When I say don't read that, it's advising myself, read it less. Yeah, that's right. We're all talking once at the store in the parking lot and Gerard Carmichael showed up.

We were all talking. We were talking about reading comments and stuff. And he was like, yeah, you shouldn't read this before. What year was this with him? I think it was right after he had his first TV show. So he was kind of a star. Like Beyonce knows him, but not like internationally. And he was doing well.

Anyway, whatever. And he goes, yeah, yeah, you shouldn't read it. But it is people talking about you. It's interesting, right? It's Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. Like, let's go up there and hear my fucking- Well, you're a performer. I mean, you play for people and for their reactions.

So this is another form of it. Yeah, and you want to hear it. But it's just like, do something else. It's deadly. Every once in a while, I'll go open up Instagram when I'm bored, and I'm like, don't. Fight back one time. And it's not like a wholesale like i'll never be on here but i'm like right now i shouldn't be on i'm in the woods i'm in the woods sometimes and i go on my phone it's

like fucking well you do it later you did take four and a half months off without your phone so i don't know anyone else who's done that yeah it's just like you set your own line and i'm behind my line i'm about i'm about to i've been for almost a year i've been trying to get on this light phone you know the light phone no it's this company they made it uh it's you can do regular texting it's the the the buyers are two people they are people who want to spend less time online and people who don't want to be spied on they're woods people and there's fucking liberals who don't want to spend less time online and people who don't want to be spied on their woods people. And there's fucking liberals who don't want to follow it,

fall to it. I'm in the ladder, I guess. Um, full texting. There's no email on there. There's a maps app, but not Google maps because they don't want those people don't be tracked.

So it's some other maps app. I think there is a ride share app, um, and some sort of music playing app i think but not spotify because they don't want anybody out of the menu the light phone three is about to come out with a camera unrelated like it takes a picture on so that's all i use my phone for so that would be for me yeah i want one where i can't get this stuff on there i can't get email i'll check it at home. I want to be able to text and not have to do this, which is fucking annoying.

Right. So a full keyboard. They used to have the one that flipped open like that, the LG Envy. And you can text like that. Flip phone, but you can text like that. It's a breeze. Loved it. I gave up email completely. No email.

I don't do email. No email. No email. How do you deal with long form? I text't do email. No email? No email. How do you deal with like long form? I text him. That's it. And I try to make, I mean, I'm sure I miss a lot, you know, and I. How does someone send you?

Okay. So they can send you a link. You can open, read this. Yeah. Or a PDF or I just don't deal with stuff. Wow. And because I think it's, it's just, it takes too much time. Yeah.

I think I've lost probably half to a full decade of my life to this right and so it might be worth saying you know i'm i'm an artist i'm a creator i'm a little eccentric i've got a weird personal life and i'm just not playing along with your conventions you could probably pull that off you're also in a position where you're successful enough where you'd be like guys deal with it for me like handle this yeah but there's not that much actually. You can bang it out on text and then you can get to the bottom of it every day. Then you go to sleep with nothing. And you make a phone call like, hey, explain this to me. Let's go over it real quick. It's going to take us 10 minutes. Not texting, it'll take us five hours. Yeah, I don't talk a ton of phone calls. Okay. Because you can't do those at two in the

morning. Yeah. Yeah. So I wish was a way to schedule send a text. Can you make more? At some point, will stand-ups be able to make more money on the internet than they made on tv they already are they already are yeah they already are so it's like it's pretty wild the lack of caring they have for these conventions now some of the comics have made so much money they've re-imprisoned themselves and that's why they usually come out against a comic who crossed the line because they're afraid of their own money kind of going away instead of just defending their friends when when harvey weinstein came out when it came out about harvey weinstein um they went to tarantino and it's like

well you've worked with him you need a way you need to make your statement and he said something along the lines of hey guys i've known this guy for 25 to 30 years. He was at my wedding. I was at his or vice versa, whatever. This has been a friend for a long time. You need to give me some time to think about this. And it seemed reasonable enough and they kind of went away. And I don't even know if he ever said anything.

But what's saying anything going to do anyway? Exactly. They need more of that, but they're all scared of losing their positions. They sell out their friends. LA Comics more than New York. So the more money they make, the more cowardly they become. We all wanted to do our own thing. And then this money in prison.

They had these jobs. I mean, I make fun of Rogan once in a while. Whereas I remember when he was still in LA and I was like, hey, I'm coming to town. I'm going to go on a hike. He goes, I can't. I got to interview some guy. And I was like, I just canceled. He goes, no, he's coming from Australia.

I got to fucking do it. And I was like, oh, for your job? He's like, coming from australia i gotta fucking do it and i was like oh for your job he's like shut up all right oh you wouldn't do it for millions of dollars but no i would but don't ignore are you worried about getting too successful where you can't take four months off and go to myanmar i i no no the problem becomes when you have a like this guy and that guy we're like you guys rely on me for money yeah so now it's a separate thing and that's when i didn't realize that's what comedy central did to me um you got employees well they were like well there's all these like you have all these staff members you have all these people gonna shoot your show

we'll kick you out they'll be out of work they're not gonna pay their rent or you can comply and you're like oh fuck how horrible are they they're just really horrible like they are right I get that that feeling they're done now

they're off which is sad because it was a good platform for comedians they don't take any happiness in their demise so that's actually my last question

is about is about the new platform for comedians like how central is Rogan to all this, to this, to this ecosystem? I mean,

he is the best, the amount of support he has. I mean, there's times where he goes, so some big guy, some Oliver Stone wants me to podcast, but I can't, I have this open micro on today or tomorrow.

So I'm already booked. I want to promote this open micro. Whereas everybody else would go, well, the name Oliver Stone will get more hits than this open micro. So I can't, he's just like, I'm the, I'm the name. I want to promote this open mic-er. Whereas everybody else would go, well, the name Oliver Stone will get more hits than this open mic-er. So I can't. He's just like, I'm the name. I'm Joe Rogan.

So I want to put this guy on or that guy on. And this guy's funny. I want to push him to a big platform instead of like, what's going to help me book my show? It's like, interesting. It'll help me. He's just, the casual talking about the outlawness of stand-up has helped all of us.

Whether or not you've been on his show or not, he's made standup more popular. You know, so now we can all just, I mean, it's succeeding on a, it's a crazy level. So what, like, what's the effect on a standup's career of going on Rogan? Well, one time is not as big as it it once was because there's now there's thousands of episodes um but guys like theo vaughn launched off like a good early appearance tim dillon launched off that dave smith you know really became well known i know all three good guys yeah yeah and you do well on that joey d as but like it was consistent once you know um it's not like it's kind of like the tonight show with johnny carson was a long time ago it's like

they say like you go on there you're a star and everyone you talk to from back then like no no you're eighth time on there you're a star but that whole week people recognize you but unlike carson i mean rogan makes the call himself he doesn't have yeah like scouts in the clubs at night yeah he's like wow this lady was that someone's female open mic or we're all getting high in the back and then you want to walk past the original the room and you kind of like go in there especially if you're high or drunk it's great watching some high level unknown comic. You just, it's, it's great. It's laughs. You know, it's free laughs. Um, yeah,

it's like you're passing by a live standup comedy show on your way out of work. It's, it's the best. And he's in there laughing. It was, you were great. He was always really great.

Carson, the Carlin was like that. He'd sit in the back. He knew who he was. And if you did well, I'd be like, Hey, that was really good set.

He knew not to just keep that to himself. He knew what George Carlin saying good set would mean. Did you know him? I met him once. Never said it to me. He didn't like your shit at all. Never had a good set in front of him. But if he was there and he saw you, he tipped me 20 bucks to get him a deli sandwich.

And I was like, no, the economy starts paying for this. I know it's for you. And I desperately needed it. I mean, I was poor. And Rogan was always passing money around. deli sandwich and i was like no the economy starts playing i know it's for you and i desperately needed it i mean i was poor and rogan was always passing money around really oh yeah yeah he kept me in business for a long time rogan did i opened for him for five six years on the road yeah we're good friends we're good friends but like so i mean I can't it can't pay him back I just try to be I just try to pass it how many dates do you do a year try to limit it to 24 weeks a year and the weeks can either be for weeks it can either be just Friday Saturday or like for the Edinburgh

festival it's it's an entire month it's. How do you not get addicted to heroin doing that? That's so much time on the road. You get to be a boozer for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Heroin is always like, one time I had a thought like, I might not want to try it,

but I was like, okay, I'm going to do it away from home so I can't find a dealer that I can, and then you realize you can just find a dealer. If you're in New York City you probably pull that off. Yeah. So I just haven't gotten into it. But how do you keep your life from capsizing?

Sometimes it gets bad and you're like oh I got to take that back a little. Pot also sometimes like meh I messed up a show a little bit. Not completely. It went from an A to like an A minus. Be like eh cool cool it being high on stage being high being drunk and like let's get drunk afterwards they asked earthquake once like do you drink on stage i love this interview and he goes stand-up comedy is one of the few uh jobs

that uh enable you the right to imbibe while you're at work and i like to avail myself of that right and they go does it ever make you worse? He goes, almost every time. But yeah, you just got to keep track of it and not let it get to you. You're your own employee. So it's up to you. Yeah, but there's a disconnection that happens. You justify. There's a lot of sober comics.

Are there really? Couldn't handle it. Joe List. I met Joe List. Great comic. I met him when I moved to New York. there was like a separation between new york and la um and i was like hey everybody here in new york talks about you like like kind of reveres you but i've never heard of you coming from la like what's because you want to know why i'm not as big as my name yeah it goes

booze but i've been sober for six months. And now, 12 years. He's crushing it now. But he had to, you know, he had to do that for himself. Other guys, I mean, Rogan gets high all the time. He can handle it. Yeah, but a lot of, I mean, there's a reason that touring musicians, you know, it's just tour, it's the touring. There was a DJ who quit, who quit DJing. I forget who it was.

And they were like he was like well i'm doing too much drugs i can't do it so i gotta stop djing and people go just don't do drugs while you dj and he goes hey you just don't know the world yeah you have to um yeah i don't know he tried to self but yeah rogan he just rules for it and it's and it's a way of like he's like pay your openers. Well, he was paying me $150 a set to MC. The standard rate was 50. He's paying one 50 and then paying Joey Diaz would go with us.

Also. He's paying him also one 50 and the rate for the middle was a hundred. And then one day he called me and Joey and he goes, Hey, I'm sorry. I'm giving you guys a raise, but I'm like, no one's offering us that much.

Definitely not more. He goes, no, you guys are headliners. You should make headliner money. I'm giving you guys a raise. But I'm like, no one's offering us that much. Definitely not more. He goes, no, you guys are headliners. You should make headliner money. I'm giving you $250 a set. So we'd come home with as much money as I would make pretty much on my own headlining that I never got any work, by the way. But it would have been the same. And also never touched my wallet and went out to the finest restaurants. It was great.

That's amazing. Why do you think he does it? I don't know. He's a positive guy. So for a while, he just brought Joey Diaz with him. And Joey was pretty coked up back then. And sometimes he just would not show up. And he could bring a local,

but he had to be supportive to the scene. He got to help guys that are struggling. And he'd bring just Joey. And then Joey, he'd get to the airport. And he's like, Joey, where are you? Don't answer his phone. And then he'd land in the new city. He's like, where are you?

He goes, ah, something came up. I missed my flight. And it's like, I was at the airport. He missed your flight. He just, coke excuses, you know? And so he's just like, he's unreliable he might not show up it became too much but instead of saying you can't come anymore he goes i'll just bring a second opener so if you don't come i've still got somebody it's it's nuts to have an

employee go i just don't show up a lot like i guess i'll hire two employees then just firing the guy he was like he's too. He's got to be supported. It's our responsibility. That's remarkable. Yeah. So I try to do that with like young comics. It's like, you know, it doesn't, one time I was. Wait, so when your opener gets too hot to show up at the airport, you're okay with it?

No, I've never had a guy like that. People are too, whatever. But like, no, I'm like, I'll pay for your meals. If we're out like at a diner after spots, it's like got it don't worry about it because that's what rogan i remember one of those he was like brand new to la he took us all out for like the standard hotel um late night food he paid like three times in a row i'm brand new to this isn't normal for someone you get around but not consistently get rounds that's weird and we're at carney And we're at Carney's. It was a chili dog place. And I was like,

let me get this one. I was broke. I couldn't afford the standard hotel, but the Carney's, it's $3 each, you know? And he goes, no, no, it's okay.

I'm like, dude, dude, please. Let me get it. There's also like a man sort of like hierarchy thing. You can't keep paying for me. I don't know you like that. And I insisted. And he goes, goes okay thank you appreciate

that and then later we're walking back to the conference because hey just so you know like it's not a power position when i pay for you it's just like that standard meal for me is is about a quarter to you it's about worth a one five nickels yeah that's why i pay for it it doesn't it's it's meaningless it's not for power i thank you for buying me carnies, but like, that's all I have more money. So take some, you know,

like if I could just, I just go get coffee at your spot. I don't have to ask. So when Rogan got attacked, when they try to claim he was a racist of all things. Oh yeah. It didn't seem, what?

It had like no effect. And no effect. Also comics supported him. I think this is what you got to do when there's, there's this like meteor of hatred coming at anybody you get it plenty uh other people have gotten to play it's just meat it's solid ball and for a media to break up it needs to start breaking up and you get the image where it's like a piece falls off a piece falls off in the atmosphere a piece falls off piece falls off so what support does from other people in your industry either broadcasting or comedy is it

shoots a fucking hole through that meteor a little hole and that starts to break it up a lot faster if you have a few commerce you go guys you just don't understand comedy that's just a joke it doesn't mean that you're out of your mind it creates doubt in the story yes that's right and then it breaks up really fast when there's no doubt it's just fucking ball that fuck sorry that fucking blows everything what happened to look i don't know louis ck but i i at the height of that i always thought he was really talented so i read about it and i you know whatever was embarrassing that story but it was not a crime that i could tell how did he wind up getting destroyed puritanical i think there's something in society like no matter if you're big we want you

down i think it's because it says something about me that i'm not big instead of like let me rise up to his level right let me take you down so in comedy it works in a few ways you're an evil person you steal jokes you're hacky you're um um racist roseanne racist. Carlos Mencia, steals jokes. Larry the Cable Guy, hacky. These are all things I don't necessarily agree with or not agree with, but this is what they say. This guy lied about something. This guy did this. But they're just like, either way, we're going to take you down.

It's not about one thing. If it was about one thing, I'd be like, this society doesn't like that thing. Right. But since it's about lots of things, it's like, what factor is you're big you're all big let's take it down um yeah with rosanne she offered like a legitimate explanation that lady looks white i saw a picture of her she looks like an old jewish lady yeah and then it's like that's a believable fucking retort but it's like we want you out of here. Do you know her, Roseanne? I've met her a few times.

Great person. Yeah, I don't know her that well, but. Truly a cool, interesting person. Lunatic. Absolutely 100%. But in touch with something deep. She's not a shallow person. She has a vibe on stage.

And it's not even jokes. It's just a vibe. And she just gets people on a wave. Like, it's pretty special. But, yeah, I don't know. They go after Rogan on a wave. Like it's pretty, pretty special. But, um, yeah, I don't know. They go off to Rogan.

They go off to Louie. I think it was that I think because what they were going after him for was puritanical. Oh yeah. It was, you're not doing sex the way we do. But I mean, when I was in college,

I started bringing up verbal consent and it was, it, it was brought up by virgins who had never really experienced sex. If you ask any normal woman how they feel if a guy's like, may I kiss you? And they say, okay, yes. May I touch your breast? Like, dude, we're done here. Yeah, because you're weak.

Yeah, you're weak. Go for it. And I'll say no. That's how you know. It's not like you're not holding them down you're just like it's like uh-uh i'm like okay i mean i've gone in for a kiss but like no no i don't see you like that i'm like okay it's embarrassing yeah i'm not gonna do it again i feel shamed they try to like that's okay i'm like when was the last time that happened to you

um yeah uh a long time ago good yeah just checking yeah yeah a long time ago um yeah and it's like but we were like that doesn't work in real life verbal consent and he got verbal consent may i do this yes you may okay i'm going to do it okay it's it's and they actually took him out and they yeah they did and and because then people okay. Fuck you! It's, it's, and they actually took him out. And they, yeah, they did.

And, and cause then people were like, well, I can't, I think that, so the friends of his were like, no, we'll defend him.

Other people were like, you're putting me in a moral, weird spot to, you're saying he's this evil guy. And if we defend evil and you're out, I mean, Norm MacDonald saying, Hey,

I don't think, I don't think Roseanne meant that. And they go, well, now you're off at Tonight Show tonight. And he goes, I'm not excusing it. I'm saying it wasn't the right person. If somebody goes to me like, fuck Seth Rogen, he's anti-trans and his podcast only has this. I'm like, oh, I think you mean Joe Rogan.

They're like, fuck you, don't tell me what to think. You know what I mean? And it's like, you can't even argue with, you're getting the wrong, you're at the wrong door. You're at the wrong door. That's what happened to, what's her name? That black chick got shot through the fucking wall. They went to the wrong house.

What's her name? Oh, they had to say her name, say her name, say her name. I never did say her name though, so I can't remember. Yeah, damn. Wow. It shows you what kind of person I am. But it's like, they're going to the wrong house and you're like you're at the wrong house like don't you tell me you're an evil person so they made people feel weird about even defending louis

but it was like what are you talking about and whatever but it's also when you take a step back from it it's all comical if you don't take any personal like i know that guy it's so here's the game i play. It's called Defend Them. That's what I was going to tell you. And it doesn't work with full rapists. Okay. But anyone else. Imagine they were your friend.

Yeah. And you had to explain to people, Louie's a good example, of why someone's not wrong. There was a comedian in the UK, we're at the Edinburgh Festival, and he was doing a, it was called When Heresy Met Sally. This guy, Finn Taylor.

He's a great comic. And he takes these long, he goes, one year he did Whitey McWhiterson was his hour. It was all about just white people and the culture. And he takes every side, South Park style, every side. And When Heresy Met Sally, he had some great lines in there. He goes, men are the only ones that rape ourselves.

He goes, women, you ever have sex with a guy and it gets weird the next day? He goes, he didn't want to have sex you raped him you talked him into it um and he did this thing about louie and he goes he asked some some women if he could do that and they said no and i guess he did it anyway and i saw him afterwards like hey great special same thing as the other one but like just you know that's not the facts are wrong do what did you want just like that rabbi told me, but like they did say yes. He goes, oh shit.

And to his credit, he changed it. She changed it. It was like, I don't want to get it wrong. So he changed it. Made it still a funny joke, but like, let me get the facts right.

Definitely. Um, so anyway, we're all, wait, fuck. I haven't smoked weed today at all. Yeah,

I know. It's a place this place wait let me just ask you who you you know louis ck but are there people you would defend who you don't know yeah okay so that's the game thank you it's defend them so act as if they're your friend and say what happened so with louis it's like he asked someone for two girls Come back to your hotel room, which by the way, always implies women aren't idiots. You know what they want. At least you know what they want. No victim blaming. But if I walk out with a hundred dollars, but there are no surprises.

If you're right, this is, you know what this is probably. Exactly. So you can be like, let's meet downstairs if you don't want that. Okay. So you're at least putting a guy in a weird position. If I walk out with a hundred dollar bill in the ghetto and Avenue D in New York and I get robbed, I shouldn't get robbed. But also like, right.

Don't do that. You know? So anyway, if you defend him, it's like he asked for verbal consent and got it. And they go, well, as high powered manager, try to shut these girls up. Or this is the defend them game, or his friend, his manager slash his friend was saying, hey, can you shut the fuck up? He's married. Yeah. Can you shut the fuck up?

And not he's silencing them, but just like, hey, quit saying this shit about my fucking friend. Use your head. He's married. That's not the same as like trying to silence a fucking female voice. And Janine said this on a podcast. She goes, we all thought it was funny when it happened. We all thought it was like, what a dork he is. Yes.

Which is great. Yes. A guy who jerks off in his stomach should be mocked. Of course. But should continue to work. Anyway, so defend them. John Gruden. Remember that?

No. He was a coach for the Tampa Bay Bucks. Yeah. It's a sports team. I know you're not into that. I've heard of him. Okay. He used to be a coach for the Tampa Bay Bucks yeah it's a sports team I know you're not into that I've heard of him okay he's a coach for the Raiders

and in the interim he worked for ESPN and he was talking to the owner of the Redskins online his buddy he was friends with him and they were shitting on

Roger Goodell the commissioner of the league good for them and he called him the F word for gays yeah he said whatever and they were like you said this and it was in leaked emails in an

investigation into daniel snyder the owner of the redskins the older of the redskins and they leaked this stuff on purpose um and they go what's that he said i might go okay it's either a homophobic slur or it's an employee privately with another employee talking shit about their boss who's by the way hetero so to call it is he is that confirmed i don't know he's more hetero than fucking tim dylan but so it's just a guy talking shit about their boss privately that doesn't sound nearly as bad defend them play the defend them game and you'll realize oh actually people are not these evil monsters you think i love that yeah do you have forbidden figures in there too it's only people you know oh so you research it it's almost like a parlor game at a party do you play this with

you could do it at a house party but people like don't want to be the one defending especially liberals or actually the other way yeah if it's like super republicans yeah most of us are in the middle somewhere 80 of us in the middle somewhere and the fucking vocal parts of each side are way way out there it's like islam it's like the fucking the ones are running it or the fucking bomb makers yeah the most of them are just like you're supposed to love your wife yeah exactly um so they don't like it if you pull fucking aoc out you know about something and you're a fucking hardcore republican you You're like, you got a defender. Defender. And you're like, alright, let me look into this. And it's kind of debate club.

And you realize no one's a fucking monster. The monsters are gone. Again, doesn't work with credible accusations of rape. This study is coming in handy through lifelong. Like, you're looking at all sides of the question. It's a fun game at a party. You put a few neat people's names in a hat and you pick one out

and you go go have you ever defended someone you don't like yeah all the time and you realize oh shit if that was my friend i would see the good in him that's not the case or this story was wrong where they left out a certain part of the story to get their way you know uh the cops in uh in the robbie king beating you know that how they cut out the first seven minutes of course and it's like doesn't excuse beating someone much but but it does somewhat excuse. It does explain it better. Exactly. When he's fighting to a standstill with three cops, by the way, if you punch a cop, they're going to punch you back. You think? They're going to go hard. Yeah. That's the deal. And he's fighting to a standstill with three of them and they come in like, you don't do that to

our fucking friends. But if you start with seven cops beating a guy, like he's defenseless. You're like, well, yeah, you're not seeing the whole story. If I call you a piece of shit and then we cut to you walking alone, it looks like you're walking sad alone because I called you a piece of shit. But that's not the real story. You know, we're having a good time. Exactly. So anyway, defend him. It's a fun game.

I'm going to play tonight. Yeah, try it. Again, it does not work with rapists It's a fun game. I'm going to play tonight. Yeah, try it. Again, it does not work with rapists. Actually, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to defend you. Okay. All right.

He's a good guy. Yeah. Ari Shaffir, thank you. Buddy, it was great to meet you. It really was. It was awesome. It was great to meet you. Thank you.

Yeah. You know, I did not tell my mom I was coming to meet you. Why? She's not a fan? She's a fan. It's all these people. He was an anti-war guy at Fox News who followed the dead. He's not a fan? She's a fan. It's all these people. And I'm like, he was an anti-war guy at Fox News who followed the dead.

He's not. How is he that guy that you think he is? Well, you can't be anti-war. That means you're a fascist. It's racist to be anti-war. I think we're going to differ with the FAA. With the what? With the FAA.

You started saying fascist. I thought you were going to say something else. No, no, no, no, no, no. Because I learned you can't even call Roger Goodell that. Yeah, exactly. So I wonder. Buddy, it was great to meet you. I learned you can't even call Roger Goodell that. Yeah, exactly. So I wonder. Buddy, it was great to meet you. I want you to do my travel podcast.

Done? I know you've been places. You have a travel podcast? Yeah, it's called You Be Trippin'. It's just about a place, no politics. Man, there's one thing I've done a lot of is travel. Yeah, yeah. And I think it's the most educational thing you can do.

Yeah. I really believe that. I don't know why more people don't do it. I feel like our rich people in this country, I am one, but they don't travel do. Yeah. I really believe that. I don't know why more people don't do it. I feel like our rich people in this country, I am one, but they don't travel right. Yeah.

Like they go, they kind of recreate their own lives with better service in a foreign country. But the whole point of travel is to learn how other people live.

Yeah. Read the local newspaper. 100%. Yeah. Instead of how do I get the New York Times here? Good. Call me.

I'd do it. Okay. Perfect. Okay. You ever in New York? No, I don't go to New York. Okay. Well, call me. I'd do it. Okay. Perfect. Okay. You ever in New York? No, I don't go to New York. Okay. Well, or whatever.

Let's do it. All right. Okay. Thanks, man. Thanks, buddy. Thanks for listening to Tucker Carlson Show. If you enjoyed it, you can go to TuckerCarlson.com to see everything that we have made.

The complete library.