The Unbelievable Truth - 01x01: Cats, Michael Jackson, Beards, Coffee

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

01x01 23 April 2007[3] Tony Hawks, Frankie Boyle, Neil Mullarkey, Marcus Brigstocke Cats, Michael Jackson, Beards, Coffee

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. You join us for the first programme in a new series which has already been described by critics as show one. Joining me this week are four comedians who are in alphabetical order. A, Neil Malarkey, B, Frankie Boyle, C, Tony Hawks, and D, Marcus Brigstocke. The game couldn't be more simple. Each of the panel in turn will present a short talk on a given subject

which should be largely erroneous. However, each has been supplied with some unlikely but true information which they should sneak into their presentation. Points are scored by slipping these truths past the opponents, who can also score points by spotting them. First to take the truth detector test is Tony Hawks. Tony is a comedian, writer and sportsman who once beat the entire Moldovan football team at tennis.

I'm told Tony could have been another Tim Henman if he hadn't ruined it all by winning 11 games of tennis. Tony, your subject is the cat, by which I mean the domestic or house cat, a small carnivorous mammal related to the African wildcat. Off you go, Tony. Cats have been employed unsuccessfully to assist humans in a number of roles. In Elizabethan times, a live cat slung in a kind of small net hammock across a gentleman's groin was briefly in fashion as a codpuss. But it soon proved impractical. In 19th century Belgium, cats were employed to deliver letters until it was discovered that the cats lacked the discipline for work in the postal service. And in Korean restaurants, cats were employed as chefs,

where their responsibilities included chopping onions, as that doesn't make their eyes go weepy, and enticing the dish of the day into the kitchen. When a cat lashes its... Yes, Marcus? I have a feeling that the last bit of using cats to entice other cats into the kitchen may be true. You think they used one cat, a very sexy cat, to lure other randy cats into the kitchen of a cat restaurant? Unfortunately, it's not true.

Really? When a cat lashes its tail from side to side, it means keep away. Now, that's definitely true. I don't think it is. I'm afraid that's not true. The message that cats seem to be given when they swish their tail about is, hey, look at my anus. Why are they trying to communicate that to us?

I've never really worked at it. Well, I think cats have a limited number of things that they wish to express. They can pretty much do it all with a tail and an anus. In fact, the only wonder is why they have faces at all. But that's probably for some science programme to explain why cats have evolved faces. That's probably to do with breathing. Carry on, Tony.

Right. According to folklore, a cat sleeping with all four paws tucked under it is a sign that cold weather is on the way. A cat... Yes, Neil. According to folklore, that's probably true. Whether it's actually true, I don't know, but... Well, yeah, I mean, according to folklore, it's true, yes.

So some bloke made it up, and now it's passed as a truth. Yes, saying something is true according to folklore may not seem like much, but it at least means it's the kind of lie people have been telling for quite a long time. Certainly, I think cats don't know what the weather's going to be, and are in general, compared to humans, idiots. But, no, somebody in the audience goes, oh, come on. Have you read some of that cat poetry? It's very moving.

And that cat cathedral in Reims is fantastic. Or was that also built by humans? Yes, but you've got a bad back just from walking about. You can drop a cat from a huge height and it just lands on its feet. Who's the idiot there? Well, I mean, a cat can't drop me from a huge height.

Good point. But according to folklore, a cat sleeping with all four paws tucked under it is a sign that cold weather is on the way. So, yes, you're quite right, Neil. Thank you very much. Tony. A cat hopping from one paw to another

is a sign that your tin roof is too hot. According to Hebrew folklore, cats came about because Noah was afraid that rats might eat all the food on the ark. He prayed to God for help, and God responded by making the lion sneeze a giant sneeze and out popped a little cat. In Finland in the 1940s, a team of scientists conducted a series of experiments in which cats were subjected to short bursts of electric current. Yes, Marcus. Yes, I suspect that's definitely true. Mainly because I just think the idea of electrocuting cats is too delicious to be a lie. Unfortunately, I mean, there may have been people in Finland electrocuting cats, but we have no record of it.

Do we have a record of how many minus points I've got so far? We do, and it's several. Oh, good. Tenny. Incidentally, it was discovered that when subjected to an electric current of at least 50 volts, a cat's tail always points towards the north. Carl Alain,

the well-known animal lover, owns 400 cats. Whereas, the President of the United States, George Bush, has only 300. Dick Cheney, 150, and Dale Winton owns eight. Yes, Marcus?

Dale Winton's got eight cats, guarantee it. I met him once and he was covered in fluff. That wouldn't have necessarily been from cats. I don't think he does have eight cats, I'm afraid. That's not true. Although it does sound more likely than Carla Lane having 400 and Dick Cheney having 150. I think that's what Tony's cleverly done.

Had he then gone on to say, and a family in Ipswich has a cat, that would be a dead giveaway of the truth. But, Neil? That's true. A family in Ipswich does have a cat. But you don't get a point for spotting things I say are true. Otherwise, you could buzz again and get another point.

I don't get a point for buzzing in when you say a true thing. That's true, isn't it? Yes, that is true. But as I say, you don't get a point for buzzing in. Stop it. Stop it. The buzzer is a privilege, not a right. And a family in Ipswich has a nuclear weapon. Many people have detested cats.

Neil. Many people have detested cats. Yeah, well, I mean... That is, um... Yeah, that's not one of the official truths that Tony's trying to... I would like to register myself as one of the many. Yeah, well, they've got a bit of a, you know, a rough going over from the whole pound through. In fairness to the cats, I detest their owners much more.

Surely alienating. Yeah, like there's some here. We're recording this on a Sunday afternoon. I'll be sitting at home writing poems to the bloody thing. I think it's possible to own a cat without being mental. Anyway. It's not possible, though, to own a cat without having quite a smelly house. I don't think that's true. My parents have cats.

I don't think their house smells. And when I say they have cats, they've got one at the moment. They've had a maximum of two. They've never had, like, 14. So you're saying there's a dead cat somewhere in your parents' house? No. Is this in Ipswich? No, it's not in Ipswich.

Oh, OK. Where is it? Do you want to give my parents' address on there? I'm sure there could be no problem with that. I'll do that later. But I think, yes, you can have a point for many people in history have detested cats. Thank you. Tony.

The composer Brahms hated cats so much that he would sit at his window in Vienna and shoot at them with a homemade harpoon manufactured from a bow and arrow. And finally, I think you should all know that the first king of Sweden had a cat called Chris. Thank you, Tony. So, Tony, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel, which is fantastic.

And they are that in 19th century Belgium, cats were employed to deliver letters until it was discovered that the cats lacked the discipline for work in the postal service. I'm not quite clear why they felt the need to check that cats lacked that discipline. How crazy are the Belgians? That wouldn't have happened in Alice in Wonderland.

I suppose Belgium's quite a small country. They might say it's an improvement on just putting all the letters on a table in the middle of the country and people going and collecting their own. The second truth smuggled past was that according to Hebrew folklore, obviously this means it's not really true,

cats came about because Noah was afraid that rats might eat all the food on the ark and prayed for God to help, and God made a lion sneeze a cat. The third truth is that when subjected to an electric current of at least 50 volts, a cat's tail always points toward the north. See, I think that's dangerous information to give out. People are going to try that at home, aren't they? Well, I think what we have to ask is that people only do that if they are genuinely lost. And the fourth truth is that the composer Brahms hated cats so much

that he would sit at his window in Vienna and shoot at them with a homemade harpoon manufactured from a bow and arrow. In what sense is it a harpoon if it's a bow and arrow? Isn't it a bow and arrow? What he did is he attached a bit of cord or string to the end of the arrow, would fire the arrow into a cat in the street, and then sort of reel the cat in. What he then did with the wounded cat on a string, history doesn't relate. Presumably, he put 19 or 20 inside a grand piano

and let them get on with it. That means, Tony, at the end of that round, you've scored four points. A lesser-known cat fact is that it's Sir Isaac Newton who's credited with the invention of the cat flap. He got the idea after a cat fell out of a tree and then bounced through a small hole in his back door. OK, we now turn to Frankie Boyle.

Frankie is a comedian who found fame when he won the Daily Telegraph Comedy Award, an accolade that ranks second only to the Exchange and Mart Literature Prize. Your subject, Frankie, is Michael Jackson, an American musician, entertainer and pop icon whose successful music career and controversial personal life have been a part of pop culture for the last quarter century. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Frankie. Michael Jackson was born on the 29th of August

1958, the same day as Lenny Henry. Jackson's trademark... Yes, Tony? I think that's true. Yeah, it is true. Yeah. Frankie? Jackson's trademark one white glove is a tribute to his favourite snooker

referee, Jan Verhaas. Michael Jackson is a former Jehovah's Witness. Jackson? Yes, Neil. I think that's true. Yeah, that's true as well. I don't know whether they turned out to be too mental even for him or whether he was too mental even for them.

Prince is a Jehovah's Witness now, of the door-knocking variety. Really? Assuming he can reach the door. Where do you have to live to make it likely that Prince is going to pop round and hassle you? Near your parents. Where is it they live and go, is it near? I'll narrow it down by saying that my parents don't live particularly near Prince. Frankie.

Michael Jackson can bench press the equivalent of a 14-year-old gymnast. The original name for Michael Jackson's song, Billie Jean, was Not My Lover, since Quincy Jones feared people were going to mix up billy jean with the tennis player billy jean king tony i think that quincy jones is crazy enough to have actually uh thought that yes he was he did yeah he he did think all of that and the the explanation for Billie Jean King not being Michael Jackson's lover is presumably that she's a lesbian. Otherwise it would be an obvious liaison.

Yes. I think we can all agree they've got a hell of a lot in common. Michael Jackson's favourite novelist is J.K. Rowling, but he confesses that he hates the Harry Potter series. His favourite film is The French Connection, which he is known to regularly screen to an audience of baffled 12-year-olds. Tony, I think that is his favourite film. Don't think it is. Oh.

Actually. The first time Michael did The Moonwalk, he was phoned at home by his neighbour Fred Astaire, who said it was the best performance he'd ever seen. The two later fell out when Astaire complained that it was Jackson's fault that part of his gazebo had been eaten by a monkey. Doctors have warned Michael that if he cries for longer than 26 minutes, his face floods and he will drown. Michael Jackson claims never to have had any plastic surgery. Marcus.

I think that's true, isn't it? I don't think it is. But it would certainly be characteristically in stark contrast to reality. Yeah. But, yeah, no, I don't think even he has bothered trying to pull that wall over people's eyes. He claims he hasn't had his skin lightened, doesn't he? He claims that he has a skin pigmenty thing that makes it suddenly change colour. It's always a hard sell to claim that you've got a condition that nobody else in the world has.

It's always unfortunate for the first people with a disease, isn't it? Michael Jackson is extremely ticklish, particularly on his feet. Michael Jackson is extremely ticklish, particularly on his feet. Michael visits over 200 children's hospitals a year to cheer up patients and for sex. Tony. Tony. I think I buzzed at the right moment. LAUGHTER

Well, I was going to say he does visit more than 200 children's hospitals a year, or roughly 200. That's not true as far as we know, I'm afraid. But thank you, Frankie. Frankie, at the end of that, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that the first time Michael did the moonwalk he was phoned at home

by his neighbour Fred Astaire who said it was the best performance he'd ever seen that was nice, although I think we've only got Michael Jackson's word for that and the other one is that Michael Jackson is extremely ticklish, particularly on his feet and that's sort of a gross thing to know

which means you've scored two points on his feet. And that's sort of a gross thing to know. Which means you've scored two points. In 2002, rumours spread that Jackson's third child was not his biological offspring. However, in photographs, it was clear the baby had his father's nose, which must have fallen into his buggy when the child was being strapped in.

When police raided Jackson's Neverland Ranch in 2004 it was reported they found Class A drugs in the kitchen Class B drugs in the bathroom and Class 4C in the bedroom. When Michael Jackson's song Dirty Diana was scheduled for a live performance at Wembley Arena Michael felt the song might be taken as a tasteless insult to the memory of Princess Diana, so he removed it and instead sang Crash Bang Wallop, What a Picture.

Right, it's now the turn of Neil Malarkey. Your subject, Neil, is beards, the facial hair that grows on the lower part of a man's face. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Neil. In ancient Egypt, a false beard was worn by queens as well as kings. It was held in place by a ribbon tied over the head and attached to a gold chin strap. Cleopatra had a particularly fetching beard with which she did funny Rolf Harris impressions. Emperor Nero cut off his first beard, placed it in a pouch made from Appalachian snake leather, and then consecrated it to Tonga, the god of beards.

Marcus. I don't think for a moment that that's true, but I'll have a go. Did he? No. Thanks for having a go. But if you don't think it's true, you don't have to buzz. Oh, right. But thanks for doing it.

Neil. Right, so Emperor Nero, his second beard, he shaved off to raise money for children-us in need-us. Going for that one, Mark? I'm tempted, David. I'm tempted, but probably not. OK. Russia's Peter the Great imposed a tax upon beards.

Everyone above the lowest class had to pay 100 roubles, and the lowest class had to pay a kopeck for enjoying the luxury of a beard. Yes, Tony? I think that there was a tax on beards, and Peter the Great was the man that did it. Yes, he was. Oh, that's interesting. He wanted Russia to be more like Western Europe, where people had fewer beards, and one of his westernising attempts was, you know, that act of massive tyranny.

Neil. Clerks were stationed at the gates of every town to collect the beard tax. If your beard was too pointy, it had to be sanded down before entering. A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex, which, despite all the previous evidence, he still does most of the time. Yes, Tony? I think, oddly, that this is true as well. Yes, it is true.

I've grown quite a beard myself tonight. It's got to be a tricky experiment where they measured that, though. Yes. That's a sordid day in the laboratory. Yeah. Does the rate of growth alter depending on the potential quality of the sex? If you're anticipating great quality sex, I assume it grows... I've been anticipating great quality sex.

It's only since I was about 11, but... What's the Samabin Laden got waiting in that cave? Neil. During Queen Mary's reign, the beard was often used as a place to keep matches, snuff boxes and playing cards. A fear of beards is called pogonophobia. Marcus. That's absolutely, definitely 100% true. Don't tell me it isn't.

It is 100% true. Get in! Neil. Tongue shui is like feng shui. Tongue shui is based on the alignment of hair, including facial hair. Apparently a beard may bring danger, especially from soup and nesting sparrows. Sideburns are considered good luck

since they prevent your good ideas from leaving your head. The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard is called Frank Beard. That's a long buzz because I know it to be true. Frank Beard is a member of ZZ Top who doesn't have a beard. Yes, that's true, yep.

And Alan Haircut is the only member of Haircut 100 about to haircut. And that completes me. I've got away with one. Thank you, Neil. away with one. Thank you, Neil. Neil, yes, you only managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which was that in ancient Egypt,

a false beard was worn by queens as well as kings. It was held in place by a ribbon tied over the head and attached to a gold chin strap. Apparently it was also made of metal. Anyway, so at the end of that round, Neil, you've scored one point. Queen Elizabeth II wouldn't let Philip, Charles or Andrew keep their beards, which they all thought most unfair,

as you always let the Queen Mother keep her moustache. However, alone amongst the royals, Edward was allowed to keep his beard and later married her. OK, it's now the turn of Marcus Brigstock. Marcus is a comedian and actor who once shared the stage with Bruce Forsyth, a unique achievement for someone who hasn't won Miss World. Your subject, Marcus, is coffee, a widely consumed beverage prepared from the roasted seeds, commonly referred to as beans, of the coffee plant. Off you go, Marcus.

Just one strong cup of instant coffee can cause hallucinations and is often used to keep Pete Doherty interesting if he runs out of cocaine. He racks up dried Maxwell House and then snorts lines of it off of Kate Moss. Frankie.

I've been reading about Doherty and that sounds fairly up to the mark. Why is he the world's fattest heroin addict? What's he cutting his heroin with, a Hollandaise sauce? No, apparently it is more the drugs than the dried-up Maxwell House that he's into. Even if it is on Kate Moss. We've all heard of Christian coffee mornings, but did you know that coffee itself is a Christian beverage and the drink was in fact baptised by Pope Clement VIII?

Tony? I think this is true as well. Yes, that is true, yes. Yeah, that's apparently the only way he had of saying something was good. Couldn't just say it's perfectly tasty, get a grip. He had to baptise it. I was going to say, it would be a pretty valuable cup of coffee if the water in it was from the papal font.

I don't think it's even an order you can make in Starbucks, is it? Can I have it made out of holy water, please? A papal latte grande. I think they do do that. The man who invented the combination of superheated foamy milk and the various incarnations of frothy coffee that followed killed himself after realising that he had spawned a monster that would take over the world. He, in fact, placed his own mouth on the steam nozzle and boiled his own lungs. The most expensive cup of coffee in the world

does not, in fact, come from the Virgin train service between Manchester and London. It actually comes from a bean that is passed through the digestive tract of a cat. It costs £5 a cup and is said to have more of an earthy taste than that of a cat's bottom. Frankie. Sounds like the sort of thing that happens in Cornwall.

It doesn't happen in Cornwall, but it does happen. That is true. The most expensive... Most expensive coffee in the world has passed through the digestive tract of the Asian palm civet or toddy cat. And it sells for around $600 a pound. So the question it begs is how did they find out that that coffee was so... Somebody said, do you know what I think might be worth a try? Taking the coffee beans out of that dung, cleaning it off a bit and making a nice cup of espresso.

Okay, Cindy Crawford rubs coffee beans on her thighs to keep them all lovely and smooth. of that dung, cleaning it off a bit and making a nice cup of espresso. OK. Cindy Crawford rubs coffee beans on her thighs to keep them all lovely and smooth. Frankie. I'm hoping that's true. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. You see, my dreams don't always lie to me, David. Bit of a beard coming on your chin.

Apparently she uses a mixture of ground coffee and olive oil and it's supposed to reduce cellulite and improve the quality of the skin. There you go. If you drink more than 500 cups of coffee in one year, your breath will take on a permanent coffee aroma which will stay on your mouth for the rest of your life. In some schools, this is qualification enough for you to teach maths

to ten-year-olds. In 1656, the Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire prohibited coffee and closed the coffee houses of Turkey. The penalty for drinking it was to be sewn alive into a leather satchel and thrown into the Bosphorus. Neil? Um, I think it's

true that he banned it, the Grand Vizier. Yeah, he did ban it, and the penalty was to be sewn alive into a satchel and thrown into the Bosphorus. So, you know, that's a pretty serious penalty. The cappuccino gets its name from its foam topping, which is believed to resemble the hooded robe of the Roman Catholic cappuccino friars. It is still illegal to sell coffee beans in the Shetlands. Ooh, Tony's buzzer didn't buzz, but it did light up.

Do you want to buzz again? Yeah, well, the good thing about that means that if you want to withdraw your buzz, you're allowed to. OK. Do you want to withdraw your buzz? I think I might withdraw my buzz. Thank you, Marcus. I think I might withdraw my... Thank you, Marcus. Marcus, you only managed to smuggle one truth past the panel, and that was by the skin of your teeth.

Yes. Because of Tony's... Tony's half buzz. The cappuccino does get its name from its foam topping, which is believed to resemble the hooded robe of the Roman Catholic cappuccino friars, which have a, resemble the hooded robe of the Roman Catholic Capuchin friars, which have a, you know, a robe that looks like a coffee.

Do they also have a little bit of chocolate sprinkled on the top of their head? So at the end of that round you've scored just one point. Oh. Yes, that was coffee, Colombia's second favourite export. Medical experts recommend that coffee shouldn't be drunk after seven in the evening,

as there's a danger it might keep you awake during the archers. Which brings us to the final scores. In joint third place is Frankie and Marcus with no points. In second place with four points, it's Neil Malarkey. And in first place with a winning seven points, it's this week's winner, Tony Hawks. That's all for this week's winner, Tony Hawks. That's all for this week. I have to thank our guests, Marcus Brigstock, Tony Hawks, Frankie Boyle and Neil Malarkey. They all said they'd be good at this and they proved to be the best liars in the business.

Thank you and goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith It was a random production for BBC Radio 4