The Unbelievable Truth - 01x02 The Human Body, Coca-Cola, Morris Dancing, Carrots

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

01x02 30 April 2007[11] Jeremy Hardy, Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Clive Anderson The Human Body, Coca-Cola, Morris Dancing, Carrots

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game about truth and lies. The game revolves around certain unlikely facts, the sort that appear to be complete nonsense but are in fact true. These will be cunningly concealed in a tissue of blatant fabrication. So think of it as Iraqi Invasion, the panel game. Joining me, please welcome our four guests,

whose names are, in no particular order, Jeremy Brand, Joe Hardy, Clive Allen and Davis Anderson. The game is simplicity itself. I'll ask each of the panel in turn to present a short and largely erroneous lecture on a given subject. However, each has been provided with some unlikely but completely true information which they should try and hide in amongst their steaming pile of lies. Successfully slipping true facts in scores points, as does the spotting of them. Let's kick off with Jeremy Hardy. Jeremy, your subject is the human body, which, for the sake of argument, we'll define as the entire physical

structure of a human being. Off you go, Jeremy. Unlike other marsupials, the human being lays its eggs in hedgerows, where they are fertilised by muck spreaders. Humans have eyes bigger than their stomachs and are born sightless and no bigger than your thumb. But humans

continue to grow for their whole lives, eventually reaching a maximum height of five foot six. The only bits of people that stop growing are the hair and fingernails. The nose gets bigger and bigger, especially if you're Prime Minister. Yes, Joe? The hair bit. The only bits that stop growing are the hair and the fingernails? Yeah. That bit? No, that's not true.

Tis with me. Carry on, Jeremy. Thank you. It is not normal for human beings to have well-developed muscles. Most muscles are supposed to be tiny apart from the arse muscle, which is the biggest muscle and is called the gluteus maximus after a gladiator who killed tigers by sitting on them. Yes, Clive?

Gluteus maximus is the largest muscle. It is the largest muscle. You're right, that is true. Yeah. But no, there was apparently no gladiator called in Latin, arse. Big arse. Yeah, big strong arse. Well fought, big arse.

Big arse kills another lion. No, I... Carry on, Gerry. Contrary to popular mythology, it is best for humans not to drink any water because it all just turns to dribble. People produce more than two and a half pints of spit a day, and although it is effective...

Yes, Alan? Is that true, two and a half pints of spit a day? Yeah, that's absolutely true. Oh, wow. The mouth is known as the letterbox of the soul. The tongue, if fully extended, will stretch to 800 feet and can lick stamps that are still in the post office.

In the future, instead of ID cards and passports, we will all just sniff each other's bottoms and lick each other. Everyone's unique tongue print can be scanned just like a fingerprint or biometric thing or whatever. The mouth is filthy, containing more bacteria than eight piles of plague-ridden corpses. Joe?

I think the first bit's true. The mouth is filthy. It is in your case. No, it's... Yeah, I mean, it's sort of all relative, but it's certainly not more toxic than eight piles of plague-ridden corpses. You can put your tongue in someone's mouth

without getting ill sometimes don't try with me though jeremy in your dreams baldy that's true i did actually dream that right kiss me hardy I said in my dream. The fact that the mouth is so full of bacteria and kitchen waste makes it an excellent growing medium, which is why we grow taste plants, the buds of which tell us what we're eating and yield magnificent blooms if you keep your mouth open. Sadly, the taste buds only last about 20 days.

It doesn't matter... Yes, Alan. That's true. You grow new taste buds only last about 20 days. It doesn't matter... Yes, Alan? That's true. You grow new taste buds. You do, but they last only about 10 days. Ah! See how I snared you into my web of delusion, my little pretty? Ha, ha, ha!

I didn't know this programme would go this way. It doesn't matter what you put in your mouth as long as it tastes nice. Well, that's true. Yeah, that's true. But why don't we have individually tailored truths? No, no, I'm afraid I can't deal with truths in four separate schemes of things. No, it has to be one big scheme of things, my scheme of things. No, that's not true.

Ooh, my. Yeah. Oh, I see you crack the whip and they ooh at you. Yeah. This is all because I went to Brunel University, the Arthur Mullard of further education. Where did you go to university? Cambridge.

Jeremy, you didn't go to Cambridge, did you? I tried to get into the University of Life and they wouldn't have me, so I had to go to Southampton. Jeremy, carry on. I'm cracking a whip. Okay, then. The digestive tract, if unravelled, would reach to the moon, but it would be very hard to fit it back in your bottom.

The stomach is the seat of the emotions. The five human emotions are guilt, shame, depravity, bewilderment and absent-mindedness. Guilt is the most pointless emotion and is bad for your immune system. The origin of the expression butterflies in the stomach is that in the olden days, the Romans used to take caterpillars for travel sickness.

If they took them too early, the caterpillars would turn into butterflies, just as they were getting on the plane. There are no other human organs of any significance, which is why we're rubbish for making pate out of.

Thank you, Jeremy. Jeremy, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle through three truths, which are that the nose does get bigger and bigger throughout your whole life, as do the ears. God help me. And, yeah, I'm in trouble. Nose and ears? Yeah.

So you eventually turn into an elephant. Yeah. Elephants are very, very old people. The second truth is that everyone's unique tongue print can be scanned, just like a fingerprint. Everyone has a unique tongue print, so it could be scanned. And that guilt is bad for your immune system, apparently. So, at the end of that that you've scored three points can't believe that Clive is a trained barrister and doesn't know that guilt is

bad for your immune system so instead of waiting to see if the evidence shows that the guy's guilty you see if he starts sniffing exactly unless you're totally amoral in which case you'd feel no guilt and then you'd get off scot-free. It's like dunking witches, isn't it? It's just hopeless. Yeah, they should never have brought it back. Dunking witches is now a chain, isn't it? To keep our bodies healthy, foodstuffs now carry colour-coded traffic light stickers. Fatty foods with high sugar and salt content carry a red sticker, while fruit and vegetables carry a green sticker.

And if you see an amber sticker, then you should rush at the item and wolf it down before it changes. Other than humans, the only other animal to have a hymen is a horse, and it was a brave farmhand who owned up to discovering that. OK, we turn now to Alan Davis. Your subject, Alan, is Coca-Cola, the carbonated soft drink originally invented in the late 19th century in Atlanta, Georgia, which is today sold in more than 200 countries. So fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Alan.

Every president since William McKinley in 1900 has done a Pepsi-Coke taste challenge. Every single one has chosen Pepsi with only two exceptions, John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton. Playboy magazine ran a specially prepared Coca-Cola advertisement with a picture of Clinton drinking Coke and a slogan dismissing the newfangled Viagra as unnecessary. Coca-Cola's claim to adult drinkers that it was a treatment for impotence

was short-lived and was stopped after appearing in only one issue of Playboy magazine by legal action from the makers of Viagra and not the Clinton administration. Joe. Something up to this point is true. It's got to be. It's got to be, hasn't it? Yeah. It's a taste challenge. The President's taking the taste challenge. No, that's not true. Bill Clinton something.

No, none of this. Despite this very unfair form of play, you've still scored nothing. Carry on, Alan. They were also very nervous about the fact that the original Coca-Cola was known to contain an estimated 9 milligrams of cocaine per glass. Yes, Jeremy. That's true. You did used milligrams of cocaine per glass. Yes, Jeremy. That's true.

Yeah, it is true. You did use to have cocaine in it. Yeah. Bet it was great then. I don't know why they changed that. The name actually comes from the two main ingredients, leaves from the cocoa tree, whose beans make chocolate, and from the eucalyptus, home to the koala bear. Well, the... the koala bear. Well, obviously the coke does come from the coca plant or tree.

So there's a little bit of trees mixed in there. It's not actually cocoa, it's coca. Cocoa. But I will pronounce it cocoa. I was losing confidence in this challenge even as I was speaking. I think I will pronounce it cocoa koala from now on. That's great. Alan. I'm losing confidence in this challenge. I think I will pronounce it Coco-Quala from now on. Alan.

The recipe is kept at the giant Coca-Cola depository in the aptly named town of Bubbalin, New Mexico. As the recipe has never been patented, a copy is also kept at the Pentagon and in Fort Knox, so Coke can be recreated in the event of a national security crisis. Joe. Oh, I think the Americans are that stupid. They may well be, but they've obviously spent their time doing other stupid things. So, no, that's not true.

Alan. Coates' most vigorous lawsuit was against the Beatles' Apple Company when it prevented them from naming an album after one of their rivals, Dr Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. The famous Coke slogan was originally, it's the real deal, but this was found to be copyrighted by another Atlanta businessman, a toolmaker, Fielding Palmer, who had patented the first use of linseed oil, and Palmer's oil has become the leading brand of linseed oil in the UK today. Its popularity was initially boosted by a publicity coup when the famous cricketer WG Grace was invited to try

the oil on his bat, the first cricketer to do so. Do we get a point for losing the will to live? No. No. No. I bet Palmer's is the leading brand of linseed oil.

How much do you bet? Do you get a point? Well, I'm betting the possibility of getting a point for saying it. Yeah, unfortunately you lose on this occasion. No doubt. Alan. The Coca-Cola company was aware of Palmer's success and also in 1900

They invited W.G. Grace To become the first Englishman to try Coca-Cola The drink was presented to Grace Who complained that it made his back sticky A request was immediately mailed to the United States With Britain's very first order of the famous Coca-Cola syrup Five gallons Around the world, local brand colas compete with Coke. Some of them even

retain the drink's original green colour. That's true. What? Original green colour. No, it's not true. Oh, bummer. Apparently lots of people think it is true, but it was just the bottles used to have a green tinge.

Oh, I see. The drink inside wasn't. Alan. In Japan, the local brew is Yoko Cola. In London, it's Hoki Koki Cola. And in the Middle East, it's Mecca Cola. Jeremy. I happen to know for a fact that Mecca Cola does exist and is marketed in the Middle East.

Yes, it does. No. No. in the Middle East? Yes, it does. No. No. The vigorous pursuit of exports around the world led to riots in Jordan in 1935

when Jewish cafe owners refused to stock Coca-Cola due to uncertainty over whether or not it was kosher. Jeremy. True. False. They had their own thing called Kosher. Jeremy. True. False. They had their own thing called kosher cola. Coca-Cola was certified kosher in 1935. Thank you, Alan. And there you have it, Coca-Cola. Although one serving of Coca-Cola contains the equivalent of five to six teaspoons of refined sugar,

it was originally sold as a healthy diet option. In McDonald's, it still is. In 2004, Coca-Cola launched its Dasani brand of pure still water, bottled at their new Sidcup plant. But the company lost tens of millions of pounds when the new product turned out to be tap water with added carcinogenic chemicals. How embarrassing was that? A plant in Sidcup. It was possibly the worst marketing decision since Mr. Quilly tried to sell his throat lozenges with the slogan,

If your throat is sore, suck Quilly's. So, Alan, in that round you managed to smuggle three truths past, which are that Coca-Cola did claim, briefly, that it was a treatment for impotence. The second truth is that the first order from Britain to America for Coca-Cola syrup was for five gallons. And the third truth was that Coca-Cola was certified kosher in 1935. So, Alan, that means you've scored three points. Right, it's now the turn of Joe Brand. Your subject, Joe, is Morris dancing,

a form of English folk dance that varies from region to region. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Joe. Morris dancing has been around, unfortunately, for hundreds of years. And the most likely root of the word comes from morose dancing. Because this was the expression seen on the faces of the majority of the audience. Only men are permitted to become Morris dancers. This comes from an old tradition which involved women being unable to join the dance

because they believed that the men looked like twats. Clive. I think it certainly used to be the case that only men could do Morris dancing. I think they've relented recently, but I think that is true. No, it isn't true. Never been true.

Well, there are some Morris dancing troops that are all male, but there have been unisex troupes that's unisex troupes, that's like a soldier that's got both sets of genitals but what I mean is there have been troupes of Morris dancers with men and women in 400 years, so

since the 17th century I think. How about men do look like twats? Which is my real challenge Morris dancers from Lincolnshire bear a local men do look like twats. That's it. Which was my real challenge. Morris dancers from Lincolnshire bear a local maiden on their shoulders through the streets to commemorate an average Saturday night after the pubs close. The molly dance from East Anglia

sees the dancers with blackened faces and boots with one dressed as a woman. Then another dancer dressed as Andrew Neil tries to get off with him. Yes, Jeremy? I think the bit in the middle about the Molly dancers and the blackened faces is true. Yes, that is true.

The rapper Morris Dance is a gymnastic and difficult dance to perform and gives quite a different meaning to the concept of a hoedown. Morris dancers all have designated roles within this sad travesty, which vies annually with golf for the such an embarrassing hobby you have to pretend you're having an affair with a dinner lady award. Each member of a Morris dancing troupe is designated a particular role. The sweeper runs around the group with an imaginary broom and a yellow duster trying to convince those watching that men are good at multitasking. The squire is

the only dancer allowed to speak in public because he doesn't sound like one of the Wurzels. The bag man looks after the funds and it's he who takes the huge sums of money which the audience, caught up in an orgasmic frenzy of enjoyment, choose to donate to the dancers. The one about they're not allowed to speak, except one of them. That's true. Yeah, the squire is... The squire is apparently the only dancer allowed to speak in public, although I don't know

how long that applies for, whether or not if you become a Morris dancer you're saying, well, that's basically a vow of silence for life, unless I make squire. Why is England the only country to have a form of dancing that everyone's rude about? Why can't we stick up for Morris dancing? It's a marvellous ancient tradition of people jiggling around in public car parks.

Wonderful. Well the thing is, firstly we don't know that people in other countries don't take the piss out of their own ridiculous sorts of folk dancing I've travelled the world, I've never heard anyone be rude about their own folk dances And you are fluent in every language So It is

All I'm saying is that they're not likely to say, oh there's an Englishman we must go up to him and in our pigeon English try and express to him that we too wish to mock our folk dancers Not a priority Come over here, it's wonderful in our pidgin English, trying to express to him that we, too, wish to mock our folk dancers. Not a priority. Come over here, it's wonderful, join in.

Oh, well, that's because they want your money. I think the thing is, we shouldn't blame historic Morris dancers, but nowadays there are Playstations and cheaper alcohol. Better things to do with your free time than there were when Morris dancing started. Is this the approved message of the BBC, then? Yes. Come on, kids, turn to video games and drink. Jeff.

Many fancy dress shops had to stop selling Morris dancing costumes in the 60s because they kept being returned covered in blood, owing to the mods and rockers combining to fight the common enemy. Morris dancing also features in the science fiction novels of Terry Pratchett, and if the thought of Morris dancing and science fiction combined don't make you feel suicidal, you need psychotherapy. Yes, Alan? I think maybe there is Morris dancing in Terry Pratchett books.

Yes, there is. Yeah. So, Joe, you managed to smuggle two truths past the panel, and they are that the rapper Morris Dance is genuinely a type of Morris Dance and it's very gymnastic and difficult to do. And that the bagman is the Morris Dancer who looks after the funds, but presumably not being a squire, can't speak to express how the accounts are balanced or anything. That means you've scored two points.

Contrary to Joe's explanation, the most widely accepted derivation of the name Morris dancing is from Moorish dancing, and that's Moorish as in akin to the mixed Berber and Arab race who conquered 8th century Spain, rather than as in, mm, this dancing's a bit Moorish, there's lots more. David Edwards, the first man to win a million pounds on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, is a massively keen Morris dancer, being an expert in the Cotswold and Mollie forms, and a virtuoso on the folk accordion. They didn't bother to offer him the phone-a-friend option. OK, it's now the turn of Clive Anderson.

Your subject, Clive, is the carrot, a biennial root vegetable with a woody texture whose edible part is the taproot. Off you go, Clive is the carrot, a biennial root vegetable with a woody texture whose edible part is the taproot. Off you go, Clive. OK, now where to start with the magnificent carrot, the only vegetable to be mentioned in all of Shakespeare's major tragedies? For centuries, carrots were a highly valued commodity, ranking alongside... I can't help myself. I'm sorry.

Ranking alongside... I can't help myself. I'm sorry. I tried really hard to resist buzzing the buzzer, because I really want it to be the case that carrot is mentioned in every single one of Shakespeare's... It is a carrot, I see. Yeah, I think it would be a better world if that was true. Unfortunately, it's not true, though.

Okay, now, for centuries, carrots were a highly valued commodity, ranking alongside gold and silver. Even today, the worth of a diamond is measured by tradition in ordinary... ..farmyard carrots. There are 15 species of carrots, 12 of which are actually poisonous to either humans or pets. Although carrots are now said to be the colour orange, once upon a time it was the other way about. Oranges were said to be the colour carrot.

In fact, carrots weren't orange before the 16th century. It's just that patriotic Dutch farmers forced them to be orange in honour of the Royal House of Orange. Jeremy. Carrots used to be purple. They weren't orange. Until when? Until 1972. It is absolutely true that they weren't orange before the 16th century,

and it was the enthusiasts for the Royal House of Orange turned them orange. Don't know how they did that. Making them march up and down streets in Belfast quite a bit. So yes, that's true. I think it's just such a good fact that it was worth having in the programme. It's a good fact.

I think it's... Yes, thank you. I think it's only quite interesting it should be on QI instead. Well, it was on QI, which is how I knew it in the first place. So I assumed Alan would get it, but he obviously doesn't pay any attention when he's sitting there. Now, at a more basic level, all around the world, carrots have long been associated with sex, in particular the penis,

no doubt because of their long, thin shape, their orange colour and green curly top. In Turkey... works for me, in Turkey, to this day, vast quantities of carrots are consumed in order to make men more potent and women more yielding. They imagine they will be at it like rabbits, though oddly enough, rabbits in the wild never eat carrots at all. Rabbits in the wild never eat carrots at all. That is true.

You're so clever. Yeah. Greek soldiers hidden inside the Trojan horse were said to have eaten many raw carrots to control their bowels. Either that or give themselves something to do amongst themselves to pass the time while waiting for the Trojans to arrive. In modern Greece, it's illegal

to include carrots in moussaka. Er, Joe? That's daft enough to be true as well. But in modern Greece, it's illegal to put carrots in moussaka? Or the other one about the Trojans. What other one? What other one? That Trojan horse one.

Right. What about it? I'm one? That Trojan horse one. Right. What about it? I'm just picking random words out. I'm going to take pity on you. Yes, it is true that Greek soldiers hidden inside the Trojan horse were said to have eaten many raw carrots to control their bowels. Well spotted. Oh, I like that.

In Scotland, the Sunday before Michaelmas is of course known as Carrot Sunday, which is linked to the tradition that Scotswomen used to give a carrot to their husbands as a fertility symptom. As a fertility... Is that a Freudian penis? Scotswomen used to give a carrot to their husbands as a fertility symbol, possibly or possibly not deep-fried. Howard Hughes would only eat carrots if fried in beef dripping,

but the longest carrot ever recorded in 1996 came in at a length of 16 feet 10 and a half inches. It eventually formed the nose of a snowman the size of the Statue of Liberty. Thank you, Clive. So, Clive, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle two truths past the panel,

and they are that in Scotland, the Sunday before Michaelmas is known as Carrot Sunday because women used to give a carrot to their husbands as a fertility symptom or symbol. And the other fact was that the longest carrot ever was 16 feet, 10 and a half inches long. Which is very impressive, but apparently the way they grow those long, prize-winning carrots is along a long drain pipe, don't they? So essentially it would be very long but very wispy

rather than a massive thing completely to scale. It's a lot of gutter though, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. It's always worth checking. but very wispy, rather than a massive thing completely to scale. Which is, you know... It's a lot like your gutter, though, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. It's always worth checking your gutters for... This time of year, yeah. ...for freak carrots. Autumn for the leaves, carrots in the spring. Also, a tiny, very thin, very long parsnip can get in your broadband wire as well. Only if you're using a PC, though.

It doesn't happen with a Mac. And that means you've scored two points, Clive. Thank you. Carrots have long been believed to be an aid to fertility, and it was once common for young couples to pick their first carrots of the season naked and then immediately make love. But this practice was eventually banned following complaints from other shoppers in Tesco's. In Scotland, the Sunday before Michaelmas is called Carrot Sunday,

and the event is notable as that's the day of the year the Scots eat a vegetable. Which brings us to the final scores. at Sunday, and the event is notable, as that's the day of the year the Scots eat a vegetable. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Joe Brand. In third place, with minus one point, it's Clive Anderson. In second place, with five points, it's Clive Anderson. In second place with five points, it's

Alan Davis. And just ahead of Alan with a winning six points, this week's winner, Jeremy Hardy. That's all for this week, so it just remains for me to thank our guests, Joe Brand, Jeremy Hardy, Clive Anderson, Alan Davis and Dustin Hoffman. Sorry we didn't have time to hear from you, Dustin. That was The Unbelievable Truth. Goodbye.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, panellists Clive Anderson, Alan Davies, Joe Brand and Jeremy Hardy. The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.