The Unbelievable Truth - 01x03 Chickens, London Underground, Queen Elizabeth I, Ancient Egyptians

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

01x03 7 May 2007[12] Jeremy Hardy, Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Clive Anderson Chickens, London Underground, Queen Elizabeth I, Ancient Egyptians

We present the unbelievable truth the panel game built on truth and lies in the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game where truth and fiction get on like a hearse on fire. Please welcome our four guests who are going to take a sideways look at the world, then turn the map through 90 degrees so they can read it. They are Jeremy Hardy, Joe Brand, Clive Anderson and Alan Davis. The game couldn't be much simpler. Each of the panel presents a short talk on a certain subject which should be largely fictional. However, each has been supplied with five items of unlikely but true information,

which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents in order to win points. Points will be scored by anyone spotting these factual truths, but deducted for an incorrect challenge. First to take the truth detector test is Jeremy Hardy. Jeremy is famous for his singing on some other panel game, and in fact he has perfect pitch. Great if he needed Gary roof, refelted. Jeremy, your subject is the chicken,

a type of domesticated bird providing two sources of food frequently consumed by humans, meat and eggs. The chicken is farmed not so much for its meat, but for its leathery hide, which is used to make flying jackets like bulbs and ships. Its chickens were discovered on Tahiti by Colonel Sanders, captain of the Bounty Bar, shipwrecked in the Bikini Triangle after the Kane Mutiny in 1956.

Colonel Sanders was a real colonel, which we know because his rank came from the same title shop where Gillian McKeith and Ian Paisley earned theirs. Those ancient chickens were bigger than the modern domesticated variety and could kill a man by beating his arm with a swan. Joe. I think that's true. Don't ask me which bit, I'm just...

No, you can't. I think Colonel Sanders was a real colonel. Yeah, no, I think he was as well. No, he was a self-styled colonel. I don't actually know. I'm just taking a wild punt and saying he was one of those made-up ones. Yeah, I think he was one of those made-up ones. Like General Sir Michael Jackson.

He's obviously not, that's not a real name. It's ridiculous. That's a Motown legend. It's like being General Sir Martha Reeves and the Vandellas, isn't it? Carry on, Jerry. Okay. Colonel Sanders went all weird in the jungle, like Kurtz in The Heart of Darkness,

but was found by Dr Bernard Matthews, who brought him to Norfolk and introduced him to its rich genetic diversity. Matthews taught Sanders about battery farming, which involves chickens being stuffed with batteries to create power dressing. But extreme animal liberationists freed some of Sanders' chickens, which bred with Matthew's turkeys.

The product of such a union is called a turkin, a term which is used to describe a film which is both really bad and cowardly. The origin of the stereotype of the cowardly chicken is in Vichy, France, where many hens collaborated with the Nazis. At the end of the war, the traitors were tarred but already feathered, so that would have been a bit pointless. Some chickens were paraded naked for clucking with Germans. The French have a long history of humiliating punishments involving chickens. In the Middle Ages, a drunken chicken would have geese stuffed

into its liver until it exploded. And chickens were used in the punishment of humans a nagging wife would be Chained to a bear and baited by cockerels Unfaithful wives would have to run chasing a chicken naked through the town That's the women being naked chickens are usually covered with feathers unless they go bald through stress Yes, yeah, let's have a punt at the naked women chasing chickens through town Oh because even if it's not true, it sounds like a right good laugh. I think the one about them being tied up and pecked by cockerels is probably possible. Well, the unfaithful wives having to chase chickens naked through town, that is apparently true.

Oh. Oh, I know. What did you think was true, Alan? Something in that same area about cockerels pecking unfaithful wives. A nagging wife being chained to a bear baited by cockerels. Now it's... In a way, if you're chained to a bear, the taunting of cockerels is of minor importance. So, no, that's not true.

Thanks for clearing that up. Okay. Later abuse of chickens included forcing them to toil in mines and workers' chimney sweeps. There is something about birds going up chimneys to clean chimneys. Or they used to drop birds down from the top of chimneys

and they'd flap about and that would clear the chimney up. Yeah, they did. They used to use live chickens to sweep chimneys. But didn't they meet the little boys going up the wall? That became a special Colonel Sanders offer, didn't it? The boy and chicken bucket. I've had that. It's lovely. Barbecue flavour. Right, where were we? In the late 70s, Colonel Sanders was number one in the charts with the chicken song, I've had that. It's lovely. Barbecue flavour. Right, where were we?

In the late 70s, Colonel Sanders was number one in the charts with the Chicken Song, General Secretary of the United Nations, and the second most recognised public figure in the world, the first being Sir Keith Joseph. Thank you, Jeremy. That was all rubbish, though. Not none. I couldn't look at a word of your saying. I forget. Jeremy managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

and they are that the product of the unholy union of a chicken and a turkey is called the turkin. As if it didn't have enough problems. Another one was that chickens are usually covered with feathers unless they go bald through stress. And the third one was that by 1979, Colonel Sanders was the second most recognised public figure in the world because of his face being on so many packets of chips and chicken. So that means, at the end of that round, Jeremy, you've scored three points. Thank you.

I'm not sure. Pretty good. I know. So that means, at the end of that round, Jeremy, you've scored three points. The chigger's reputation has taken a bit of a knock recently with scares about avian flu, which, according to experts, is contracted by inhaling bird droppings. So there's another innocent pleasure lost. OK, we now turn to Alan Davis. Alan found TV fame as the super-intelligent character Jonathan Creek, then proved what a truly great actor he is by appearing as himself on QI. Your subject, Alan, is the London Underground, an all-electric railway system that covers much of Greater London and some neighbouring areas.

So, fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Alan. The biggest fear of the design engineers on the Underground was the mental well-being of the passengers. Rail pioneers initially rolled carriages underground with animals on board to see if there were any ill effects.

Yes, Jo. I think they did. Well, they tried it out on animals. Yes. Yeah, unfortunately they didn't. Well, they should have done. They're like cattle trucks today, so it would have been... Yeah, they probably should have done. Yes.

Tried them out on chickens and it would have kept the tunnels clean as well. Yeah. But they'd all gone bald through stress. Yeah, hence the old expression, trying to clean your chimney with a bald chicken. No, that's not what that means, David. Oh, I'm so sorry. And I wonder why I'm so alone. There were not any in effect on the animals since there weren't any.

Although a horse did trip on the escalator and break its leg and had to be destroyed, it was buried underground at what is now Baker Street Station. Yes, Joe? That's got to be true. There's a horse buried at Baker Street Station. Yeah.

Yeah. It tripped on the escalator. It would. A horse wouldpped on the escalator. It would. A horse would trip on an escalator, wouldn't it? That can't be right, because pets have to be carried on the escalator. I think there's just a plaque to the chiropractor of the man who carried his horse down the escalator. Carry on, Alan. To reduce the impression of speed, the earliest carriages had no windows,

and to reduce the effects of one or more passengers going bonkers, the interior of the carriages were upholstered thickly. They were little more than padded cells. Powering the trains was a big issue. Initial ideas included flooding the tunnels and using barges. The nickname murder cabs for the carriages replaced the padded cell when a spate of sexual assaults and murders blighted the underground in the 1880s. Yes, yeah.

Yes, I think that's true. What the... Well, what he just said. What the... Murder Cabs replaced padded cells because of the sexual assaults and murders in the 1880s. There's something about the nickname. Did you say the nickname was murder cabs? The nickname murder cabs.

Murder cabs is a firm in Streatham. I use it all the time. They're not as good as GBH cabs. At least you get there with them. But it does cost an arm and a leg. That's it. Unfortunately, the nickname murder cabs isn't. That's not true.

Sorry. Carry on. A safety stop device was introduced, which had the sole effect of turning all the lights out in the carriage, allowing you to hide in the dark until the next stop. This was soon declared entirely inadequate. During the Blitz, Aldwych Station was turned

into an underground bakery and was granted a Michelin star by exiled French restaurants. Not the Michelin star. I think you're disguising the fact that it was an underground bakery. I bet there was a bakery down there. No, it wasn't underground bakery. I bet there was a bakery down there in... No, it wasn't. Damn.

I'm afraid not. Suicide is as popular as ever. I was waiting for someone to buzz in. No, it's terrible. When someone dies on the tube, you don't think, oh, that's terrible. You think, oh, God! Bastard, I'm going to be late.

Suicides happen all through the day and night. It's thought that setting the alarm clock is not high on the list of priorities for the suicidal, so they tend to mosey on down to the tube about half past ten, and then they top themselves about 11 o'clock. Yes, Jared? I think that's true. And you're right.

Yeah! Well done. And you're right. Well done. The average time to top yourself on the tube is apparently about 11, which surprised me. You'd think it would be either dawn or late at night. It's woman's hour. That's what it is. The underground is not called the tube because of the tunnels resembling tubes,

but because the original tube map was delivered in a newly designed detachable tube, which enabled you to separate the tube in two and then use it to hold down the edges of the map. Yes, Jeremy? That's so stupid. I think it's true. I'm not signing if that's true resigning as head of map distribution no the the sort of kinder egg approach to two maps was never adopted Harry Beck believed he would make his fortune for the design of the tube and accepted five guineas for the map design. He also designed the first vending machines used on the underground.

Beck's original machine dispensed hot potatoes. Was there contained within there some sort of fact that it was Harry Beck's? He did design the tube map, so was he given five guineas for that design? Is that the true fact there? You've smuggled past us? Yes, you're absolutely right. That is true. Alan. Years later, Peter Cook was appalled that the Cadbury's Whole Nut was the most popular bar on the Underground,

and he sang a eulogy to the flake on the platform. He was arrested at home that evening and fined £11. He sang the flake song again for the magistrates who laughed uncontrollably before suspending the fine. He was then fined £5 for busking. Other stars fined for busking include Johnny Rotten,

Sting and a young Cliff Richard who claimed he'd only been singing to entertain the passengers during a delay but was arrested following complaints. Clive, it's just a guess, but I bet Sting has been fined for busking. No, he hasn't. No! But he should be fined, shouldn't he? Andrew Lloyd Webber led a campaign for buskers to be legitimised, and he would then pay them to play songs from Evita and Cats as a publicity stunt.

His brother Julian was granted the first busker's licence. All buskers abide by an unwritten rule, never to play any Lloyd Webber to this day. Thank you, Alan. Thank you. At the end of that round, Alan managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which is that the carriages were like padded cells. They were padded carriages early on, presumably because people didn't know to hang on. I was actually once on the Tube when there was a sort of,

what's it called, a Countryside Alliance march going on, and so there were a lot of Countryside Alliance people on the Tube, and whenever it stopped, they all fell over. Absolutely true. They don't understand our urban ways, do they? The second fact that Alan smuggled past was that Cadbury's whole nut is the most popular bar on the

underground from vending machines. And the third one is that Andrew Lloyd Webber's brother Julian was granted the first busker's licence on the tube. Which means at the end of that round, Alan, you've scored three points. It's a little-known fact that when the first ever electric escalator was installed on the London Underground at Earls Court in 1911,

crowds gathered to stare in amazement at the sight of a moving staircase. Not an uncommon event to this day, in fact. With the year 2000 approaching, the Jubilee line was extended at a cost of £3.5 billion, and the state-of-the-art system now runs all the way from Stanmore to the Millennium Dome, possibly the most expensive bit of railway in the world, linking two places no-one wants to go to.

Right, it's now the turn of Joe Brand. Joe Brand shot to fame in the early 60s fronting a skiffle group and enjoyed many top ten hits. Hang on, you see what's happened there? It's simple name confusion. That wasn't Joe Brand, that was Lonnie Donegan. And no, I've no idea who those people are either. Your subject, Joe, is Elizabeth I,

sometimes referred to as the Virgin Queen or Good Queen Bess, who was Queen of England from 17th November 1558 until her death in 1603. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Jo. Queen Elizabeth I was a bit of a slapper. In fact, the only reason she was known as the Virgin Queen was a pathetic attempt at rebranding by Sir Richard of Branson. A courtier from a village in Suffolk called Balloon in the Drink. Elizabeth was obsessed with her weight because her dad was a bumper-sized tub of lard.

In fact, when his body was taken from Hampton Court to central London for his funeral, his stomach exploded, leading to the well-known custom at state funerals of the 21-gut salute. Clive. I think he did explode, Henry VIII. Several kings have done that, and I think he's one of them. Am I going to be wrong on this?

No, you're going to be right. He did explode. The same thing happened to William the Conqueror or William I or William the Bastard as he's still remembered. It's not quite often enough for it to become a useful weapon for the country. Actually, that's a bonus truth that Jo's thrown in. That's not one of her official

truths. So that's a lovely present to everyone of truth from Jo. Elizabeth had 142 hats, 2,000 necklaces, 400 cardigans, 2,000 dresses, 1,000 pairs of gloves, and one pair of pants. Some of it's got to be true.

Yes. The pants. Jeremy. The pants is true. No, it's not true. The gloves. The gloves. The gloves are true.

The driving gloves. The beekeeping masks. Cuddly toy. The pants isn't true. The cagoule. I will allow you one more guess at another one that might be true if you want, Clive. Necklaces. Necklaces.

No. Sweatslaces. No. Sweatshirts. No. A lot of people think that Elizabeth only washed her pants twice a year or was in general filthy. But in fact, she washed four times a year, whether she needed it or not. Yeah. And considered herself a paragon of cleanliness as a result. So she had a spring clean, an autumn clean, a summer clean and a winter clean. That's nice work if you can get it. Elizabeth wasn't very good at riding side saddle and would

often fall off her horse at state occasions. This may have been because she'd had a few beers for breakfast. Elizabeth made all females over the age of seven wear hats. This was because she really liked hats but didn't like the under-sixes. Elizabeth spat and swore a lot and flashed at anyone whom she hadn't ordered to be blinded by her troupe of torturers whose pet name was the King Singers. Elizabeth often dressed up as a man and walked round town at night to see what her citizens were up to. I think that's true. She used to walk round disguised. Dressed up to see what people were up to. No, I's true. She used to walk around disguised. Dressed up to see what people were up to.

No, I think that happened in Blackadder. Or Salmon Bennett. Yes. Afraid that's not true. When potatoes and tobacco arrived in the country, not as history relates via Sir Walter Raleigh, but by some day-trippers from Hyde who'd found a hypermarket in Calais,

Elizabeth started rolling her own and often had a half-smoked fag behind her ear. Elizabeth loved the smell of mouldy cheese and hated the smell of leather. She was constantly washing her hands trying to get the smell off them after she'd been riding, leading to one of her courtiers to jokingly rename her soap Imperial Leather. Thanks. Yes, Clive. Is it too late to say that you snuck past us there, that Raleigh did not introduce tobacco and potatoes into the country?

No. It would have been too late if that had been true, which it isn't. So it's not too late to be wrong. All right. Thank you, Joe. So, Joe, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle five truths past the rest of the panel. And they are that Elizabeth had 2,000 dresses,

which I think was about the only item of clothing you didn't mention at that point. This is the smelling leather thing one. She hated the smell of leather, that's true. I thought it might be. It's also true that she had beer for breakfast, which I think a lot of people did then, though, because the water killed you even quicker. And Elizabeth, she made all females over the age of seven wear hats,

and she spat and swore a lot. That's five truths. Sounds great, doesn't she? And that means, Joe, you've scored five points. Oh, well done. five points. Elizabeth I was of course known as the Virgin Queen and had the new unexplored American state of Virginia named in her honour

much in the same way that Croydon recently named a tram after Ulrica Johnson. For most of her adult life, Elizabeth was bald, painted her face with white lead, had no teeth and took a bath just four times a year. I think we may have found clues underlying this virgin thing of hers. Okay, it's now the turn of Clive Anderson. In addition to being a TV and radio presenter,

Clive is also a barrister and president of the Woodland Trust. What a stroke of luck, then, that his subject today is the history of arboreal jurisprudence. No, not really. Your subject, Clive, is actually the ancient Egyptians, the inhabitants of a civilisation in northeast Africa which developed from around 3,150 BC to 31 BC. Off you go, Clive. Okay, well, in this amazing civilisation, people worshipped everything beginning with the letter C. Cows, caterpillars and corgis were all treated like gods. Cats were carried through the streets on their own litter trays.

Altars were built in honor of the humble cabbage. And crocodiles were allowed to wear shoes. In ancient Egyptian medicine, the first known cough mixture was a mixture of honey, sour milk and crocodile dung. Coincidentally, this was also the recipe of the very first pot noodle. Jo? I think that first section of that sentence was right. What, that... Crocodile dung and honey.

Honey, sour milk and crocodile dung was a cough mixture. Yeah. No, that's not true, but that was the recipe for one of the first forms of contraception. Oh, that's what I've been getting at. Well, you can see how that would work. Now, ancient Egyptians also used cobra skins as condoms, usually waiting for the cobra had shed its skin before using it. Though this is thought to be the origin of the expression trouser snake. Other contraceptive methods included the use

of the special linen bandages used in the mummification of the dead, sold under the slogan don't become a mummy before your time. In mummification after death, all the organs of the body were removed apart from the liver, which was needed for some reason in the afterlife. Yes, Alan? They did remove all the organs. Well, they removed all the organs except the heart,

not all the organs except the liver. So, sorry. The brain, which apparently wasn't needed so much, was taken out with a special hook inserted up the nose. The taking out of the brain was executed with a traditional cry, mind how you go. Jeremy? Jeremy. The book with the hook through the nose is true. Yes, it is. Yep.

For centuries, European painters used a brown pigment called mummy, made from mummies taken from ancient Egyptian tombs. So anything called a brown study should really be called Whistler's or whoever's mummy. The cat was so important to Egyptians that many pharaohs were allowed to marry only their sister or their pet cat. This led to dangerous inbreeding in the royal family

who suffered from recessive chins and fur balls. Cats were entitled to inherit their owner's property. As a result, many cats became very rich and were secretly hated as fat cats. There was a strict pecking order in clothing in ancient Egypt. Only kings could wear knitted woolen items. Only the high priest was allowed to wear cotton. And only bank clerks were allowed to wear polyester or other man-made fabrics And oddly enough in ancient Egypt

Yes, Alan. I almost said sorry to interrupt but that is the game isn't it? Yeah Thing about the high priest in the cotton. Yeah, that's true. Yeah No. And I was just going to end and say, oddly enough, in ancient Egypt, only women were allowed to play the harp and only men were allowed to sing. Thank you, Clive. Clive, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that altars were built by the ancient Egyptians in honour of the humble cabbage,

that they did use cobra skins as condoms, and that European painters used a brown pigment called mummy, made from mummies, to do brown on their paintings. And I find that odd, because I would have thought brown's quite an easy colour to come by if you paint it. Mud is brown. Crap is brown. It seems a bit of a shame when you've got inside

of the tomb of an ancient pharaoh and some out-of-work artist pushes past you and says, I'll take over from here. It's the only place I can get a really good brown. And so that means, at the end of that round, you've scored three points. Did you know the first ever murder mysteries were carved on ancient Egyptian stone tablets? Apparently the murderer always turns out to be the bloke in the skirt doing an impression of a teapot.

When the Egyptians buried their mummified kings and queens, they also left essential items that would be needed in the next world. Items like gold coins, incense, and a British Museum guidebook. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with no points, we have Clive Anderson. In third, with one point, we have Jo Brand. But she's my word, we're both the most pastors. How is that fair?

Well, because she also sort of guessed about 90 times. But that just shows enthusiasm. Yeah, there are no points for enthusiasm. You're mean. I'm just the messenger, stroke, adjudicator, stroke, king. That's what Hitler said. Yeah, Hitler said, yeah, don't shoot the Fuhrer, he said. In second, with two points, it's Alan Davis.

And in first place, with a winning three points, it's this week's winner, Jeremy Hardy. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests, Joe Brand, Jeremy Hardy, Alan Davis and Clive Anderson. You've been a wonderful audience audience and that really was the unbelievable truth goodbye the unbelievable truth was devised by john naysmith and graham garden and featured david mitchell in the chair with panelists clive anderson alan davies joe brand and jeremy hardy

the chairman's script was written by ian Pattinson and the producer was John Natesmith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.