The Unbelievable Truth - 01x04 George W Bush, Women, Ants, Olympic Games

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

01x04 14 May 2007[13] Sandi Toksvig, Dara Ó Briain, Jo Caulfield, Graeme Garden George W Bush, Women, Ants, Olympic Games

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game where the players lie about truth, lie about fiction and lie about naked. Joining me this week, joining me this week, we have four top class comedians who make being funny look easy. When in fact, as we all know, it's Jade Goody who looks easy. They are Darrow Brien, Sandy Toksvig, Joe Caulfield and Graham Garden.

The game couldn't be much simpler. Each of the panel presents a short talk on a certain subject which should be largely fictional. However, each has been supplied with five items of unlikely but true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents in order to win points. Points will be scored by anyone spotting these factual truths but deducted for an incorrect challenge. We'll begin with Sandy Toksvig. Sandy, your subject is George W. Bush, the 43rd and current President of the United States of America. George W. Bush got his name from his early childhood living under dense foliage in the mountains of Tennessee. He was raised by wolves, which is why he never fully mastered human speech.

Graham. I think she's right about not mastering human speech, isn't she? That's the truth. Some people have said he's not entirely articulate, but I don't think that was because he was raised by wolves. No. That's a speech, isn't it? That's a truth? Some people have said he's not entirely articulate, but I don't think that was because he was raised by wolves. Does he get a point, then? No, he doesn't get a point, I don't think.

Ha-ha! Despite this, George managed to grow up and go to Yale University, where the White House website will tell you he graduated in the top 86% of his class. Dara? Depressingly, for Yale University, he did go to Yale University, didn't he? He did indeed, yes. It does say on the website that George graduated in the top 86% of his class. It's so... That is the truth.

And George has yet to work out that that is 14% from the bottom. George is known to have a number of phobias. He will do anything to avoid going in a lift, can't bear fish served with any kind of sauce, or international law being followed in disputes with other countries. Now, just for the crack, I am going to say that clearly the last one isn't true, but I would like to think that he does have some sort of phobia

about fish served with sauce. Unfortunately, that's not one of his weaknesses. No. I think he's like, you know, with toddlers, you can't give them food that actually looks like food. He likes food, if it's in the shape of a bear or something, he'll eat it. So to give him a fish, he's not going to eat that, is he? Unless it's in the shape of a bear.

Exactly. But the fact that not going to eat that, is he? Unless it's in the shape of a bear. Exactly. But the fact that George Bush can eat sauce, he's gone up in my estimation no end. I think we're underestimating him. He has to do it with a straw, mind. True, and sauce isn't technically a solid food. And for all we know, every White House meal does come with airplane noises.

Which actually never made sense, if you think of it. Because, OK, obviously, I understand the train is going into the tunnel, or the car, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. But who flies an airplane into a tunnel? I think it's every child has a fantasy about being a sort of vehicle-eating monster. It's everyone wants to be King Kong. It's like, have you ever eaten whitebait? It's sort of like having genocide on a plate.

Fantastic. Whole family on one fork. Somewhere, the man from the Whitebait Marketing Institute is scribbling that out. That's brilliant. It's like genocide on a plate. Yeah. You're running into work tomorrow going, Big Dave with a high-paying suit for three, Kat.

You might not think the leader of the free world has time for a hobby, but because George doesn't pay attention in meetings, he has time to collect autographed baseballs. He has 250 in his collection, making him the president with the most balls ever. George also has a passion for the history of the American Indian, and he has a large picture of Chief Guantanamo on the Oval Office wall. Guantanamo was a chief famous for his love of glitter,

his passion for the colour orange, and his invention of the one-piece jumpsuit. In his last years, Guantanamo actually met the young George. The president often tells the story of how they sat around the campfire smiling. Indeed, it was on that evening that George coined the term friendly fire, which he has had so many opportunities to use since. George is the first president in American history to enter office with a criminal record and probably not the last to leave with one. I think that's actually true that he has a criminal record, and probably not the last to leave with one. I think that's actually true, that he has a prison record for drinking and driving,

something like some kind of drunken frat party activity. It is true. He's never been to prison, as far as I know, but he does have a criminal record. That is true. Does that mean he's on parole at the moment, for a very long time? I think he pleaded guilty to drink driving, paid the fine, which was, you know, a piffling sum for him, something like $5 million, and had his driver's license suspended for 30 days. They didn't send him to prison.

But he's been arrested three times. He was arrested once for stealing a large Christmas wreath from a hotel, which I think we can imagine the look of glee on his face as he snuck out into the car park with it. And once for ripping down the Princeton goalposts after a Princeton-Yale game. You know, because you know how annoying everyone at Princeton and Iraq is. But yes, no, that's true, that's a point. He's the first president to have gone into office with a criminal record,

unless you count George Washington's record for treason. But... Anyway. Sandy. George is quite happy to tell you that he has a sister called Dorothy, but if anyone calls him a friend of Dorothy, he gets very cross. Graham. He does have a sister called Dorothy. Yes,. Graham. He does have a sister called Dorothy.

Yes, he does. He's got a sister called Dorothy. And I don't think she's even a governor of a state. So, presumably he doesn't bother to speak to her. But yes, he does. That's the point. And that's the end of Sandy's bit. Sandy, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of you, and they are that at Yale University, George W. Bush was a head cheerleader.

Yeah, I don't know whether cheerleader means a different thing. I think we can only assume that he wore a miniskirt and pom-poms, so they said, let's make him leader of the free world. And he does have a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which is an incredibly tedious fact. What a boring thing to collect. But yes, so that means, Sandy, you've scored two points. Yay!

Another interesting piece of unlikely trivia about George W. Bush is that he's the first US president to have completed a full marathon distance. He ran 26 miles, 385 yards in under three hours of receiving his Vietnam draft papers. OK, we now turn to Dara O'Brien. Dara is but the latest to join a long list of truly great Irish comedians to find success in Britain, such as Dave Allen and Jimmy Cricket. He joins a list of one. I do tell you that Jimmy Cricket is very much our gift to you in return for Cromwell.

I think any historian would say at this point that Cromwell was a lot funnier than Jimmy. Your subject, Dara, is women, the common name for human females. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Dara. Women. Let me just say at the start that they're doing a fantastic job and well done to them. Sandy. Well, he did say it at the start, so it is the truth. I did actually say it at the start.

You're right. It's very picky, and that's quite just diminutive. You don't mind me saying that a little more. I thought you were going to say that women were all doing a great job, and that might be true, but that obviously wasn't what you were both saying. So I think... Shall I continue? Carry on, yeah.

Thank you very much. Ever since the Council of Trent in 1563, women have been legal. Since then, it's been landmark after landmark. The first world scrabble champion, the first person to attempt to cross Niagara Falls in a barrel, the first to... Sandy. That is true.

It was a woman who was a schoolteacher, and she was trying to make some money, and she was the first woman over the Niagara Falls in a barrel. And when they opened it up, she said, no one should ever have to do that again. And I think she was called Annie Taylor, and she died penniless. I love the way she died penniless, as if somehow that should have been enough to keep her in clover for the rest of her life. Isn't life cruel the way, you know, plutocrats get all the cash

but a woman who went across Niagara in a barrel, it's ignored. She used to tour vaudeville theatres with the splintered barrel. Really? Yeah, that was her act. Yes, the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel was a woman and she was strapped into a wooden barrel with her cat.

I'm also impressed by the fact, which I didn't know, even as I put this fact down, that she was strapped into the barrel, making me seem that it was a lot less consensual on her part. That she was very much an early version of that monkey that got fired into space. We'll see if the woman survives, and then we'll head across. Then we'll try the dog. But, yes, that's absolutely true. So carry on. Okay.

Women have been trusted in so many of society's most important jobs, especially after men had run them in for a generation or two. By which I mean the jobs, by the way, obviously. There are so many things that women can do that men cannot. But the physical differences are the ones that are most striking. Women's skin is more oily than men's, an evolutionary throwback to the days when cavemen chose their partners by a lack of friction. Their sense of smell is so much more acute than men

that they can often tell if you've had a shower yet by how you sound on the phone. Sandy? Acute sense of smell, yes. No, as far as we know, that's not true, I'm afraid. Certainly not as acute as I made it out to be. Do you know what's really irritating? I've just finished writing a book called Girls Are Best,

which is all the things women have done first in the world. This is very annoying for Dara, but I actually could quote you the University of Virginia study on women's sense of smell. To be honest, I just like the joke about they can tell if you've had a shower by how you sound on the phone. So frankly, I made up the fact to back it up if I've accidentally stumbled across truth.

But that's really irritating. Well, I'm afraid as far as I know, it's not true. It's fair, that's fair. I can't set a precedent of people saying, I've just written a book about this. It's totally fair. It is. I'm afraid the male patriarchy has deemed that fact,

which you have researched, to be not worthy of truth. Women blink twice as often as men, but fart half as often. According to a survey from the University of Arizona, beautiful women have less confidence than plain ones. Although the results were reversed when the scientists let slip to the plain ones which group they were in. The Japanese kanji character for woman is the mirror image of the character for man. The Chinese character for trouble depicts two women living under the same roof. Graham. I think it does. Yes, it does. Yes, absolutely.

I got that from reading Sandy's book about Chinese women. It's done terribly well. While we enjoy women and all of their many treasures, we must never become complacent. More than 40% of English women have punched of their many treasures, we must never become complacent. More than 40% of English women have punched or kicked their partners, often while their partner is desperately trying to remember the safe word.

The safe word, by the way, is always Bill Oddie. Thank you, Donna. It's Bill Hoddy. Thank you, Darren. So, at the end of that, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that women do blink twice as often as men. No one knows where that fact comes from, but apparently it's all over the Internet, and therefore must be true.

And according to a survey from the University of Arizona, which actually that's the sort of clause that means this true thing might not be true, beautiful women have less confidence than plain ones. The theory was that being constantly ogled by men led to increased anxiety and insecurity amongst women. And the third truth was that more than 40% of English women have punched or kicked their partners. The beautiful women one is very, very interesting. Their confidence is lowered by men looking at them. If you stare at a beautiful woman for a really long time,

eventually you can get yourself a woman with really low self-esteem, and then you can get to go out with a very beautiful woman. That must be the way it works. That sounds like a sort of pulling technique I could successfully adopt. Just silent ogling for months, if not years. Until they're a shell. Until they're a shell, and they just come over and go, all right then, at which point I'd go off them. But so that means, Dara, you've scored three points. According to government statistics, 49% of British women are able to drive. The other 51% have 4x4s.

Right, it's now the turn of Joe Caulfield. Your subject, Joe, is ants. Insects belong to the family Formicidae, characterised by a conspicuous waist and elbowed antennae. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Jo. Firstly, let's clear up a mistake often made in the confusing world of celebrity insects. Ant's the one with the big forehead. Deck's the one that looks like a young Irish girl. It is, however, unusual for ants to get on television, although in 1989 in EastEnders there was an infestation at the Queen Vic. The BBC used over one million ants in the course of filming.

Sandy. I want that to be true. I long that there was a moment when Pauline Fowler was ravaged by ants. You can't leave a trail of sugar to the leading actress, can you? Some sort of... Put Pauline Fowler just so she oozes glucose across the floor. I think that's what they normally do, isn't it? I imagine that's what they did if this was true, which it isn't.

Contrary to popular belief, ants actually prefer fruit to sugary foods. They squeeze their food tight, suck out all the juices, and then throw away the dry remains, which is interesting, the same technique used by my grandmother. Making them both unpleasant dinner party guests. But be glad

that ants are ant-sized. They expend so much energy that if ants stood shoulder to shoulder with the average man, they would need an intake of over 55,000 calories a day. Sally? I think that's true. They need 55,000 calories a day. If they were big, they would need

that much calories a day. As far as we know, that's not true. I've been writing a book called Ants Are Best. Yeah. US Homeland Security have trained ants to sniff out explosives at airports. Despite their size, an ant's sense of smell is just as good as a dog's. And unlike dogs, they're not so emotionally needy. So, you know what I mean, at the end of the shift,

you don't have to sit there patting them, going, oh, what a good boy, didn't you do well? You can just stomp them to death. Dara. Independent stomping of the dead, I presume their sense of smell is as good as dogs. Yes, it is. But interestingly, women's sense of smell. So, yes, point to Dara.

Off you go, Jo. On detecting explosives, the ants will communicate this information back along the line by touch. They do this by tapping, dancing and stroking, which makes ant communication sound very much like your creepy uncle at a wedding reception. The ants will alert security staff to the potential terrorist by arranging themselves into the shape of a giant arrow and pointing at the suspect. of a giant arrow and pointing at the suspect. There is an endless supply of ants,

as there are 10,000 trillion ants in the world. There must be, because the way she's in there, there are that many ants in the world. There are 10,000 trillion ants in the world, exactly. Oh, one's died. Oh, five have been born. Oh, no, it's immediately wrong. One final fact that may interest many male listeners. Male ants don't do any work in the colony. Their only function is to mate with young females.

These are known as calambest ants. Thank you, Joe. So, Joe managed to smuggle three truths past the panel, which is that they squeeze their food tight, suck out all the juices, and then throw away the dry remains. So, essentially, they're soup eaters. They communicate by touch, tapping, stroking and dancing to deliver simple messages, or presumably complicated ones.

Whatever, I mean, how complicated could an ant message be? The third fact is that male ants don't do any work in the colony or hill or nest. Their sole function is to mate with young queens, and they die soon after. So, with that thought of a life of copulation and death, that means, Joe, you've scored three points. means, Joe, you've scored three points. An ant's jaws open and shut sideways like a pair of scissors to twice the width of its head. Do you know, I've just suddenly

got a picture of Cherie Blair in my mind. OK, it's now the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is the Olympic Games, the four-yearly sporting contest originally held in Olympia, ancient Greece. Off you go, Graham. The Olympic flame has been carried by more famous novelists than any other well-known flame.

I think I got that one passed. Right. At the 1908 London Games, Queen Alexandra demanded that after completing the 26-mile marathon, the runners should carry on another 385 yards to the finishing line right in front of the Royal Box. This is a very firm buzz from Sandy. No, there's a bit of mine as well. All right. Sandy. I think that's true. I think that's the reason why it's exactly the length that it is now,

because she was Danish, and we don't like to move too far. And I think she wanted to see the winners come up the mile. I think that's true. Yes, that is absolutely true. They added the 385 yards just for the convenience of the royal family. So, yes, that's why it's as long as it is. And everyone says that 26.2 miles, and it's actually the.2 miles that's the toughest bit, let me tell you.

Well, actually, before 1908, they wouldn't have had to run that. And I wonder, actually, how easy they would have found it. One early field event was catching the shot. It was a ball fired from a small cannon. But in 1912, after several athletes had been injured, a memo was sent by the committee, would athletes not be safer throwing the shot rather than trying to catch it?

Discuss. And as a result, stay with me, as a result in the next games they introduced the shot putt and accidentally the discus. Strictly speaking, the discus was reintroduced as it was based on the ancient Greek practice of throwing plates in restaurants. plates in restaurants. Some glues abandon table tennis bats because as the bats warm up during play, they release performance-enhancing fumes.

That sounds fabulously true, I think. Fabulous, but not true. What did you think was true? That's why it's so fast, because they're all high. They're all speeding off their tits with this glue on the ping pong.

Well, you're so close, because some glues are banned in table tennis bats, but it's not because as they warm up they release performance-enhancing fumes. What is it then? Is it that it sticks to your hand, the bat? It makes the ball go faster. Makes the ball hand, the bat? It makes the ball go faster

Makes the ball go faster? A glue that makes the ball go faster It would stick it to your bat It's very bad glue, obviously Very ineffective If it's stuck to the bat and you just say It's gone so fast and it's back again But it hasn't moved

Is that the glue? And you just make the noise with your mouth Yeah Is that what the goal is? And you just make the noise with your mouth. Yeah. Sex tests for athletes were introduced originally as a competitive event, but they were abandoned when a satisfactory scoring system couldn't be devised. At the 1976 Games, all female athletes were sex-tested, except, of course, for Princess Anne. Sandy.

I don't know why that... I think that's probably true. I think she went through in the horse-doping section and they didn't do the... Yes, that is absolutely true. You couldn't ask a royal, go on, show us your genitals. You couldn't really, could you? God almighty, if you'd run another 385 yards for them, you're not going to ask to see their bits as well, are you?

Johnny Weissmuller, who later defined fame in the movies as King Kong, took part in the 1932 Olympics and was hotly tipped to win gold in the pool events. But in the semi-finals, he sadly broke his cue... LAUGHTER ..trying for a tricky eight ball. Duh. He was an Olympian, wasn't he, Johnny Weissmuller?

He certainly wasn't in the 1932 Olympics playing pool. LAUGHTER But, yeah, I mean, he was certainly a swimmer, wasn't he? But I don't know what Olympics he was in. 1924. Oh, the Chariots of Fire Olympics. Oh, my God,

what a geek moment that was. What do you mean, a geek moment? I'm into all of the films about the Olympics. Chariots of Fire. I'm having an Olympic film marathon. I'm going to watch Chariots of Fire. To remember the year. To remember the year.

It's just a film of boys in long white shorts. It's really... Yes, and if any of their events were won by women, it would be in your book. Yes. But they've got... Yeah, it's quite prominent in the film. It says 1924 Olympics all over the place.

It's been a while since I've seen it. I must come over. It is indeed an excellent film in which Britain wins at sport. At the gymnastics in 1976, spectators were outraged when Nadia Comaneci's perfect display was rewarded with a score of only one. This was because the scoreboards could only display scores up to 9.99, so her perfect ten was displayed as 1.00.

Oh, I want that to be true. I remember that. It was such an amazing moment. It probably isn't true, but I sort of wanted it to be true. Is it true? Yeah, that is true. It was really moving. I remember that. It was a very... So a moving moment when a gymnast does something amazing and then gets one.

That sounds quite a funny moment. Because there was such an uproar and then it was a very so a moving moment when a gymnast does something amazing and then gets one that sounds that sounds funny because there was such an uproar and then it was explained and people went sort of i remember that people went sort of nuts graham a popular trivia question is in which year did nobody won the event. The most famous dead heat came in 1948, when Lindegren of Finland and Hoch of Austria both took the gold medal for architecture, both having designed identical buildings. Thank you, Graham. So, Graham, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. They are the glue on table tennis bats because they make the ball travel faster that we've already touched upon.

And the other thing is that the most famous dead heat in the Olympics came in 1948 when Lindegren of Finland and Hoch of Austria both took the gold medal for architecture. But they didn't design the same building. Hoch designed a ski jumping hill, while Lindegren won his medal for town planning. And I've just lost my frame of reference for the whole world. So that means you've scored two points. The call of in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out was first used in rowing events at the 1896 Olympics and last used for the England cricket team at the 2007 World Cup.

Which brings us to the final scores, which are going to be very exciting. Because this has never happened before. This is a scenario in scoring that we call Everyone Getting Three. three. I think it's just great that everyone's a winner here, by which

I mean also everyone came last. So well done on the whole panel for getting three. Well, as I check my watch, Mickey Mouse's hands tell me we've run out of time and that my Rolex might be a fake. All that remains is for me to thank Dara O'Brien, Sandy Toksvig, Joe Caulfield and Graham Garden for being here, and Paul Daniels for staying away. Goodbye.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Sandy Toksvig, Dara O'Brien, Joe Caulfield and Graham Garden. The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.