The Unbelievable Truth - 01x05 Bras, Hemp, Barcodes, Queen Elizabeth II

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

01x05 21 May 2007[14] Tony Hawks, Frankie Boyle, Neil Mullarkey, Marcus Brigstocke Bras, Hemp, Barcodes, Queen Elizabeth II

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Our four guests this week are ready for a riveting contest. But as metal work on the radio might be a bit dull, they're going to play The Unbelievable Truth instead. They are Marcus Brigstock, Tony Hawks, Frankie Boyle and Neil Malarkey. The game is simplicity itself.

Each player will present a short lecture on a given subject, which will be largely composed of lies. However, each has been equipped with five unlikely but completely true pieces of information which they should attempt to sneak past their opponents, who can score points by spotting them. However, if they challenge incorrectly, they'll forfeit a point. Let's kick off with Tony Hawks. Tony is a comedian and musician who once had a number one in Australia,

and that's a long way to go with your legs crossed. Tony? Tony, your subject is the bra or brazier, an article of clothing that covers, supports and elevates the breasts. Off you go, Tony. The bra dates back to 500 BC. Not everyone thought that making your breasts bigger made you more attractive. Phoenician women actually wore a breastband which minimised their chest size.

Yes, Marcus? I suspect that's probably true. It's not. No, it's? I suspect that's probably true. It's not. No, it's sort of, it's nearly true. Tony's been a bit sneaky. Apparently the ancient Greek and Roman women wore a breast band that minimised their chest size. I think you should give him a point.

There's an element of truth in the notion that not everybody thinks that breasts make you look more attractive. For example, a woman I met told me that my breasts made me significantly less attractive to her. So I know that to be true. There's no justice, is there? All right, that is true. You can have a point for that.

But it was the Germanic people in the 16th century who really got to grips with bras. Just outside Hanover, a particularly well-endowed woman had breasts which were considered something of a social nuisance. So local inventor Klaus Schlesinger came up with a solution which would halt the offending bust from knocking people's drinks over. Still today, the German word for bra is bustenhalter. Over the years, bras have been used for all sorts of different purposes. In Portland, Ohio, bras have been used by men as offensive weapons, as they ritually spar with them, slapping each other across the faces, usually after a heavy night's drinking. Sometimes, bras have even been used as a means of preserving life. When opinion turned against her in the Philippines,

Imelda Marcos wore a bulletproof bra. It was the coming of the moving picture. Yes, Neil. I think that's true. What is? The thing that he said that was true. Prior to my buzz. The bulletproof bra for Imelda Marcos. Yes, that is true. Yeah. It was the coming of the moving picture which began to bring the bra worldwide recognition. Film actresses loved wearing them so much that they became incredibly popular with women in Hollywood. And it was actually the Warner Brothers Corset Company which introduced the alphabet bra with cup sizes A to D in 1935. Frankie?

Sounds true. It's probably not. It is true. Yes! Yeah. In 1950s Britain, manufacturers still labelled bus sizes junior, medium, full and full with wide waist, the sizes being popularly known as egg cup, coffee cup, tea cup and challenge cup. In Canada in the 1960s, an eccentric fashion designer, Rudy Kramer, invented a bra which had a battery inside,

which meant that the bra could be inflated. When the wearer of the bra met a man who she wished to impress, she could operate the bra inflator by pressing a button which was concealed in a pocket. Frankie? I seem to remember meeting women like this when I used to drink. Definitely, those breasts seem bigger at certain times than others, so this sounds true. Right. I'm afraid it's not true. Maybe it is true when you're drinking a lot, but that would be a different game altogether.

What seems true when you're hammered? Fans of the film The Aviator will be interested to learn that Howard Hughes also used his aeronautical engineering knowledge to design the first cantilevered push-up seamless bra for the then-unknown starlet Jane Russell. Finally, on a... Yes, Frankie? I reckon that's true. Yeah, that is true.

I'm clawing my way back to zero points. Finally, on a personal note, I would like to state that I can undo a bra whilst simultaneously pouring a glass of wine, undoing the top four buttons of my shirt, and singing Tonight's the Night by Rob Stewart. Frankie. He has that look about him. It is a very tricky thing.

I mean, I remember in my teenage years finding it very difficult to undo bras and then finally working out that the girls I was with were wearing a different type of bra from my gran. You should really compile these insights into your early life. The drink making people's breasts fluctuate, the memories of your gran's bra, into a wonderful book that people could burn.

But unfortunately, as far as we know, and Tony and I did have an evening out to test this, in which I wore a bra, and no, he can't do that. So that's not true. Thank you, Tony. So, Tony, in that round, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. They are that the German word for bra is Bustenhalter,

or I suppose it should be Bustenhalter, and that in 1950s Britain, manufacturers still labelled bus sizes junior, medium, full, and full with wide waist, and they were popularly known as Egg Cup, Coffee Cup, Tea Cup, and Challenge Cup. Which means you've scored two points. That was the bras or brassiere. Rather confusingly, brassiere is not the French word for brassiere. In France, a brassiere is a small child's vest. So probably best not to go into a French clothes shop and say, I want to buy a sexy brassiere for my girlfriend. OK, we turn now to Frankie Boyle. Frankie is so irritated by constantly being mistaken for one of the proclaimers,

his agent has threatened that if anyone makes any proclaimers-based jokes today, he'll walk. What, 500 miles, Frankie? Your subject, Frankie, is hemp, the common name for plants belonging to the genus cannabis. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Frankie. A recent survey shows that most Americans think that hemp is a disease. Tony. Well, that's got to be true, hasn't it? Almost all sentences beginning, most Americans think, are actually true.

But not this one. They don't think that. But maybe they could be made to. Carry on, Frankie. Yet from 1776 to 1937, textiles made from hemp were common. For example, the original... Neil. Yeah, I think that's true. Yes, it is true.

And Frankie was going to go on to say... The original Levi jeans were made from hemp. And that is all part of that same truth. Thank you, Max. Yeah. From 1631 until the early 1800s, hemp was used as legal tender in the United States, with which one could buy goods and

pay bills. Tony? Well, I'm sticking with my American theme of that being the case, and I think that is the case in America in that time. Yes, that is the case. Yeah, well done. Hemp also has a long history in Europe. It might be an old wives' tale, but the Croatians still say that a fistful of hemp rubbed on a hen's barn can turn an entire village gay. In Spain, hemp seed is often fed to birds and is said to make them believe that they can fly. In Norse mythology, the thunder god Thor was also the god of hemp, although even among the Vikings themselves, barely anybody knew or cared about this. Tony.

I think that's true. That Thor was the god of hemp and the Vikings didn't care. Well, why would you care? Well, I think in the days when people had all sorts of crazy gods they believed in, they did care. People didn't just have a, we've got a god of thunder, but, you know, it's not a big thing. The way this is going, I suspect I'm wrong, aren't I? Yeah, you are wrong, yeah.

The most effective way to absorb cannabis is actually by using it as a shampoo. Marcus. I wish I'd never buzzed. But, yes yes go on I'll have a go at that the best way to absorb cannabis is as a shampoo well look in my wild

youth I tried smoking it I tried taking it in cake form and oh yeah. No, you're quite right. My overuse of it then means that I now believe that if you rub it into the top of your scalp, it goes straight into the brain. I'm sure it's been tried, but it doesn't work. You're better off smoking it or eating it in a cake, kids.

So stick to that. I could see you as the voice of the drugs marketing board, David. Yes. I think there should be a big sort of drug den next to the super casino. Let's make everything aloud that's bad for people. There is. Manchester. Ah. Hemp has been used in all Marks & Spencer's pyjama cords since 1998.

Illegally. Tony. I think that's true. That Marks & Spencer have illegally used hemp in a big company like that. They probably don't bother about little things like the law, do they? Again, I don't like the way this is going. We'll go with their range of pullovers made out of smack. No, it's not true.

How much hemp would it take to fill the Grand Canyon? Nobody has ever bothered to work it out. Marcus. I think that that's true. No one has ever bothered to work it out. How much hemp it would take to fill the Grand Canyon. I must say, that's not one of the facts we gave, Frankie, but that might be true. I mean, people have bothered to work out a lot of things, like in terms of baked beans and coastline and that sort of thing. I know how many Americans it takes to fill the Grand Canyon. It's four.

But, OK, you can have a point, Marcus. Thank you. Alice in Wonderland was originally printed on hemp paper. Its author, Lewis Carroll, was a frequent marijuana smoker. Marcus. Must have been. Yep, he was. Of course.

Totally true. Yeah. As is, I think, the fact that Alice in Wonderland was originally printed on hemp paper. But that's less interesting than the druggie writer writing his weird, incomprehensible book that scared me as a child. Vincent van Gogh, Rembrandt and Gainsborough painted on hemp canvases. The author Geoffrey Archer always writes on hemp. His pen? A frozen, sharpened turd. The American Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper,

with discarded drafts being made into primitive lingerie. Thank you, Frankie. So, Frankie, in that round you've managed to smuggle two of your official truths past the panel. It is true that Vincent van Gogh, Rembrandt and Gainsborough painted on hemp canvases, and that the American Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. Which is interesting, but not funny. So, that means you've scored two points. It is well documented that Queen Victoria used cannabis resin to treat cramps caused by her monthly cycle.

You just thought someone could have just lowered her saddle. Right, it's now the turn of Neil Malarkey. Neil is a comedian, actor and master of the art of improvisation who recently completed a very short run in the mousetrap after opening with the line, I'm Police Sergeant Malarkey and I did it. Your subject, Neil, is barcodes, the barcode being a series of vertical bars of varying widths

representing the numbers 0 to 9, commonly found on consumer products that can be read by a laser scanner. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Neil. The barcode was invented by Baron Felix von Barcode in 1789 as a response to the French Revolution. But he was ignored because he was a bit annoying and had a pushy girlfriend. This meant that he didn't get to hang with the cool inventor crowd like Michael Electricity and Sir William Shaving Foam.

like Michael Electricity and Sir William Shaving Foam. Things actually took off in 1949 when Norman Joseph Woodland made a handprint in sand and realised that bars could be a visual equivalent of Morse code. Tony, that sounds fairly plausible to me. Yes, yes it is. That's true. The first barcode scanners were the size of a washing machine because they contained components that had to be water-cooled. Stray dog hairs would affect reading. Tony.

I think that's also true as well. What, the big barcode scanners? I happen to know this because I know quite a lot about barcodes, which is why I'm getting a lot of this right. They had to have... Well, the components all needed to be water-cooled, and those kind of components... Yeah, that's all, he said that. Yeah.

But no, you're right, it is all true. Stray dog hairs would affect readings, sunlight shining through supermarket windows prevented the barcodes from being read, and Bobby Charlton's comb-over was often scanned, being mistaken for a jumbo packet of prawn cocktail crisps. The world's smallest barcode was developed by Dr Chuck Lemkin at the Susan Hampshire Ant Research Centre in Budley, Salterton.

Oh! I couldn't resist it. It was the mention of the name Budley, Salterton just makes me tingle all over. Yes, go on, I believe that to be true, because I'm an idiot. The smallest barcode being made at the Amt Research Centre. No. No, that's not true. I've been to Budley Salterton. There really is very little else to do. It is exactly the sort of thing they might do to pass... Is there an ant research centre in Budley, Southampton? Called after Susan

Hampshire. You might have noticed it when you were there, if it existed. Oh, yes. Shall I carry on? Yes. OK. Tiny tags were attached to ants to monitor their mating habits. Each line of the code was one millionth of a centimetre wide. Unfortunately, one ant ended up on the conveyor belt in the local

branch of Sainsbury's and played havoc with Mrs Perkins' shopping on a memorable Friday in Whitson. Yeah, I see it now. There's no Sainsbury's in Budley Salterton. By the way, miniature barcodes have apparently been used to monitor the mating habits of bees, I'm told. Ooh, tricky place to put a barcode. It's already stripy. Yeah. of bees, I'm told. Tricky place to put a barcode. It's already stripy. Does scientists ever reach something like, oh, I wonder how bees mate?

Is there ever a meeting where people go, oh, who cares? Who really cares how bees have sex? Let's just ignore that. I think it's a very quick way to lose your academic funding. If they're investigating nuclear fusion, someone comes in,

do we really want to find this out, or should we just go to the pub? I've heard that if you get drunk, people's breasts get bigger. The who cares approach is roughly what the American Republican administration have taken to climate change science, isn't it? Ah, who cares? It's nice and warm.

Nice and warm and floody. Who doesn't like a flood? It's like a swimming pool that surprises you. Language experts have pointed out the amazing similarity of a 5th century Irish alphabet known as OM, which consists of a series of horizontal lines and gaps to modern-day barcodes. Frankie? That sounds to me like the sort of thing that was going on in 5th century Ireland,

although I know very little of that era. We know very little about what was going on in 5th century Ireland as well, but that was one of the few things that was so yes you're right and the alphabet was named after the Celtic god of literature Omar frankly that's part of the same bit of truth was it yeah well this is a new do you get points for actually correcting something that's supposedly true? Who's called Ogmios? You're going with the later French reading of his name.

You said that you knew very little about this, and then suddenly you turn out to be the leading expert. Yeah, quite the 5th century Ireland boffin. I suspect at meetings of research about 5th century Ireland, you're not the one saying who cares. You're the one rather spoddishly getting involved in a way that undermines your cool act. Well, he was the god of eloquence in speech.

Really? Yeah. So why are you obsessed with him? We've all got to stay on the right side of him in our profession. Or we just sudden sentence, speak can't. Evidence has been found that St Columba worked at an early equivalent of a checkout till made from stone. Barcodes were immortalised in art by New York pop artist Bernard Solko. His 1998 exhibition included 22 metre

high paintings based on the black and white stripes. Yes, Marcus? Yeah, I'll say that that's true. Yes, that is true. Get in. Thank you, Neil. So, Neil, you managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which was that in the early days, sunlight shining through windows at the front of supermarkets

prevented barcodes from being read. And that means you've scored one point. Yes, what an amazing invention the barcode is. With just a simple wave or two across a checkout reader, within a microsecond, the price of a product will be retrieved by an information technology system known as How Much Is This, Tracy? And in the early

days, it was discovered that barcodes didn't work under bright sunlight coming through supermarket windows. This was eventually overcome by a system called Manchester. Okay, it's now the turn of Marcus Brigstock. I see from Marcus' CV that he appeared on a TV show called What's the Problem? with Anne Robinson.

That was a telethon, presumably. Your subject, Marcus, is the Queen, otherwise known as Queen Elizabeth II, the UK's reigning monarch and head of state of 15 of the countries of the Commonwealth. Off you go, Marcus. Her Majesty the Queen cannot pronounce the word specifically and it has never appeared in Her Majesty's Christmas message. Off you go, Marcus. security lockdown and the death of a corgi named Maud, who heard the bang, panicked, weed and had a heart attack. The Queen greatly enjoys...

Frankie. I just want that to be true. Yes, I do, but it isn't. I'd like to see her try and boil an egg. She'd probably just run at it face first. Do you really think that would be her first method? No. No. Because I don't think she's the sharpest knife in the drawer,

but, you know, I see her as basically a human. Prince Edward once tried to hatch one. Did he? Sat on it for several weeks. Did he really? No. No. Thank God I don't have to play this game.

The Queen greatly enjoys listening to military marches and keeps a tape of them to play in her car. Frankie. That's definitely got to be true. Yes, it is. Yeah. The Queen's favourite television show is The Friday Night Project with Justin B. Collins and Alan Carr.

She has said privately she would like to see them both knighted. She tapes the show every weekend and makes Prince Philip watch it with her. He hates it and says Alan gives him the creeps. The Queen once drove a train named after her from its shed to the platform. Neil? I think that's true about the shed train journey, royal-wise. The Queen once drove a train named after her from its shed to the platform. Neil. I think that's true about the shed train journey, royal-wise. Yes, it is true. Good Lord.

Yeah. The Queen has never worn the same pair of tights twice. Frankie. Not when I've been with her. Frankie? Not when I've been with her. Although often she leaves the same knickers on for weeks, David. Your well-publicised affair with the Queen has been all over the papers,

but there have been some times you haven't been with her, and apparently on some of those times she has worn the same pair of tights twice. I haven't been with her, and apparently on some of those times she has worn the same pair of tights twice. During the war, the Queen insisted that she be allowed to eat spam, like everyone else, and has been known to ask for it on several occasions since the war ended, usually within a week or so of VE Day. Whenever the Queen stays in a hotel, she... Tony. I'm going for the spam thing as being true.

No, it's not. Oh. I thought it sounds really plausible, actually. It does, doesn't it? Yeah. You know, that was the best time for the royal family, being true. No, it's not. I thought it sounds really plausible, actually. That was the best time for the royal family, the war. I think they secretly started it. What, the Germans? Whenever the Queen stays in a hotel,

she takes her own Dundee cake, marmalade and an electric kettle, which she insists on plugging in herself. Sorry, not plugging... Not plugging it. No. She's very regal and magnificent but she doesn't actually

emit an electrical current. She plugs it into the... That's why she never wears the same tights twice. There's always three little holes. I think everyone's alone with their own thoughts about the various things that that could mean.

My main ones are about being beheaded for this. Her Majesty will not eat Dutchie original oat and biscuits made on her son's organic farm on the grounds that they are too expensive. The Queen's... Frankie.

And tastes like shit. You've got to be kidding. Have you not had a Dutch original Oaten biscuit? I also have to say that I think they're delicious. Oh, this is like a Radio 4 nightmare. Are you going to start passing around Patty in a minute? That's an odd nightmare. Passing around Patty?

Is that when you... Frankie waking up in a cold sweat. I've had the foie gras dream again. Sorry about the accent, but it's yours. The Queen strongly dislikes the colour magenta, milk puddings, sailing and any talk of her uncle, the Duke of Windsor. Neil? I think that is true.

Yes, that's all true, yeah. Every word of it. Wherever she goes, the Queen takes an outfit in black in case she suddenly feels like mourning. The last time the Queen wept was two years ago. Her tears were collected in a special pot by a footman who later attempted to sell them on eBay for £300. Thank you, Marcus.

So, Marcus, in that round, you managed to smuggle two truths past the panel, which were that whenever the Queen stays in a hotel, she takes her own Dundee cake marmalade and an electric kettle, which she insists on plugging in herself. And also, the other true thing was that wherever she goes, the Queen takes a black outfit, in case she needs to mourn suddenly, presumably. Wasn't that just while the Queen Mother was still alive?

She is still alive. She is still alive. She's just hiding. In a grave. Well, Marcus, that means you've scored two points. The Queen supporters maintain that she represents the head of a typical British family, and just like many ordinary families, she lives on big estates, which ring to the sound of gunfire, and she doesn't have tax on her cars. The Queen is notoriously reluctant to replace household items such as TV sets.

Her Majesty doesn't believe in modern contrivances such as remote controls, when channels can be changed perfectly well simply by ringing a bell. such as remote controls, when channels can be changed perfectly well simply by ringing a bell. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with one point, it's Tony. In third place, with two points, it's Frankie. And in joint first place, with four points each, is Neil and Marcus. That's about it for this week.

There's just time to thank our four guests, who were, it's no exaggeration to say, Marcus Brigstocke, Tony Hawks, Frankie Boyle and Neil Malarkey. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawks, Frankie Boyle, Neil Malati and Marcus Brigstocke.

The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.