The Unbelievable Truth - 01x06 Denmark, Rats, Duke of Edinburgh, Trousers

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

01x06 28 May 2007[15] Sandi Toksvig, Dara Ó Briain, Jo Caulfield, Graeme Garden Denmark, Rats, Duke of Edinburgh, Trousers

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Joining me this week are four comedians, Darrow Brien, Sandy Toksvig, Joe Caulfield and Graham Garden. The game is simplicity itself. Each player will present a short lecture on a given subject,

which will be largely composed of lies. However, each has been equipped with five unlikely but completely true pieces of information which they should attempt to sneak past their opponents, who can score points by spotting them. However, if they challenge incorrectly, they'll forfeit a point. Let's kick off with Sandy Toksvig. Sandy was recently honoured with an award for her radio work,

coming a clear first in the shortest Danish woman to present the news quiz category. Sandy, your subject is Denmark, the smallest and southernmost of the Nordic countries, whose name means literally Land of the Danes. Off you go, Sandy. Indeed. Well, I spent my entire childhood in Denmark, raised in the traditional manner by clog-wearing herrings. The country is made up of thousands of islands and has a very small population, so small in fact that every Dane has an island to themselves. It's one of the few countries in the world whose population statistics are set by the ferry timetable. Unfortunately, the Danish word for timetable is fart plan, and this often causes tourists to miss the boat entirely for laughing. Graham?

I think it probably is called that. It is called a fart plan, yes. Out of interest, what's the Danish for a fart plan? By which I mean, I think many of us plan our farts days, if not months in advance, and put a fart plan on the wall of our study or bedroom. What would that be in Danish? Well, we eat so organically in Denmark that we don't have trouble with wind. It's an entirely British invention. All right. So popular is Danish bacon that the farming industry has exploded, and there are now five pigs for every one person in Denmark.

As a tribute to this hugely important export, every Danish child, as soon as it's born, has the word Danish stamped in blue up the side of their body. I have this and it causes British people to salivate when they see me in swimwear at the Lido. I've just realised I know nothing about Denmark, and I think this is very unfair, because you can just make up anything, and everyone here is going to be honest. You're all going, do you know, I know nothing about Denmark.

Bacon is about the only thing we've understood so far. I think this game would work less well if this lecture was being given to a panel of Denmark experts. But is there anything you think might be true? Danish bacon is a fact, but I don't know... I don't know if I believe that farms exploded. I think you're going to get a point for this, because Danish bacon is so popular,

there are now five pigs for every one person in Denmark. I don't think that's how they farmed the pigs, actually, everyone in Denmark being a farmer of five pigs. That is how we do it. Everybody gets given five pigs. It's a nightmare in Copenhagen unless you've got a balcony. A friend of ours was a farmer in Denmark and he was

very excited. He invited us for a party. This is completely true. He had bred a pig with two extra ribs and I went, so, it's like a Dachshund pig. What? Two more pork chops. I hadn't thought that through, you see. It was huge. Is there any... There's a limit to how long a pig could be bred to be. Could we have 300-yard-long pigs with hundreds or thousands of pork chops on them?

It could. You'd need some wheels in the middle, I think, just to keep them running along. Well, no, it'd be fine, because a leg of pork is nice as well, so they could have hundreds of legs. A sort of, you know, a millipede pig. Just all chops and legs, and you hardly ever have to see the face or the curly tail. Do you know, the excitement with which you speak, it's like talking to a Dane, honest to God.

Can you actually create brand-new ribs on an animal just by breeding? No, you have to wait until a pig is accidentally born with an extra two ribs, then you grab it and you mate it with another pig. Jesus. That's like some sort of Danish version of the X-Men. What is your power, Ribby? Well, it's kind of in the name, my friend. So in the end, a pig could accidentally, by mutation,

be born with applesauce already on the side. And then you just have to grab it and... It's a devil to graft it onto the tree, though, to make it breed in the first place. I'm moving on. In the past, Denmark has had kings called Harold Bluetooth and Sven Forkbeard. The king is directly related to an ancient Viking leader, Bamsa the Bold, who was the first

man to invade England and the inventor of an early soap powder. Many people think of Denmark as being a very small country, but then they are reckoning... Graham. I do, for one. Well, I mean, that's, yes, that's not one of Sandy's truths, but I think many people do think of Denmark as being a very small country,

and, yes, I think you get a point for that. But then they're reckoning without the fact that Greenland is part of the country. The principal advantage for Denmark in owning Greenland is that Danish bars never run out of ice. On the subject of food, many people in this country eat ghastly fake pastries and call them Danish. In fact, the Danes call Danish pastry Vienna bread or Wienerbrot and are deeply offended by the food that bears their country's name in the UK. Dara. I'm in favour of any country being deeply offended by pastry.

I hope it's true, and I hope to actually taunt them sometime by visiting Copenhagen and producing it from my pocket, going, it's your bread, it's your bread, smell your bread. Could I buy one of your famous Danish pastries, please? Yeah, no, that is absolutely true. Well, it's not true that they're deeply offended. That's not true. But it's true that Danes call Danish pastries Vienna breads. But do they really like them?

In Denmark, they're fantastic. In this country, it should be a capital offence. But so, in Denmark, the best Vienna bread is to be found in Copenhagen. No, we do... Actually, Danes eat all over the country. It's not just in the capital city. Really? I'm sorry, I thought it was a sort of national dining room. No, but sorry, but

so the Danish word for a Danish pastry is Vienna bread, but that doesn't exist in Vienna. I don't know what they call it in Vienna. I think they might be calling them Danish pastries in Vienna. Frankly, it's only the Danes who haven't come on board with this Danish pastry. They've created this fantastic pastry that the world loves them for,

and they're trying to offload it on the Viennese. And I'm like, they themselves also love it. But yes, they are secretly shamed of it. I think the Austrians call it an English muffin. Thank you, Sandy. So Sandy managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that in the past Denmark has had kings called Harold Bluetooth and Svein Forkbeard, and that Greenland is a part of Denmark.

I'm surprised... But you see, you gave Graham a point for saying it's a very small country. It isn't, because Greenland is part of Denmark, which makes it actually one of the largest European countries. People think it's a very small country. I gave him a point for saying that many people think of it as a very small country. And wrongly, because, as you say, it's got that huge bit of Greenland. So we're getting points for thinking wrong things now.

If enough people think it, it's right, isn't it? Oh, well, forgive me for coming from a very small country. Anyway, you scored two points. Thank you very much. In early 2006, the publication of cartoons in Denmark led to the boycott of Danish goods by many Muslim countries. And for a few months, it was almost impossible to find a bacon sandwich anywhere in the Middle East.

Okay, we turn now to Dara O'Brien. Your subject, Dara, is rats, which my encyclopedia defines as medium-sized rodents, the two most common being the black and the brown rat. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Dara. Can you imagine a world without rats can you can you sandy yes thank you for asking okay glad to share that moment nonetheless so i don't know how that works in the format of the game but it's a truth truth. I can, yes. I didn't actually say, Sandy cannot imagine a rash. Sandy cannot

imagine a rash. In the way that some people can reckon that Denmark is a small country, some people can imagine. Even though it's not true, I can imagine it. Yes, I can. I didn't say you couldn't. If you later on say I can't, then I will be buzzing again.

I'll just say that now. Carry on. Of course you can't. Getting on my nerves now. The fear of rats has been often popularly exploited. An 18-year-old once tried to hold up a Victoria Wineshop in Edinburgh by taking a rat out of his pocket and waving it like a gun. Graham.

In Edinburgh, did you say? And that would be the detail that makes it true to you. Yes. That tips it over the edge for you. Glasgow, we wouldn't get away with it in Glasgow. But Edinburgh, a rat, I think you could hold up an off-license, yeah. Well, that is absolutely true. That's true.

Yeah. Although, to be fair, they didn't hold up. He attempted to hold up the off-license by use of the rat. The rat squealed out of his hands and ran back into the shop, and the guy got 18 months in prison for it. The rat was adopted by the shop. That's rather sweet. It is quite sweet actually, yeah. He was saved from a life of crime, put on the straight and narrow and now runs an off license in Edinburgh.

Carry on. In George Orwell's 1984, Winston Smith's Terror of Rats in Room 101 was only added in the second edition. In the first edition, it was ticklishness. Orwell had all the first editions, which included the now infamous paragraph, Winston screamed, I stop it, please, I stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, do it to her pulped interestingly jimmy cagney never said you dirty rat sandy i think that's true i don't think he did say i think it's one of those great quotes that didn't get said like played again sam which was never said or yes you're quite right no he didn't

say it he said you dirty yellow bellied rat so he never said you Yes, you're quite right. No, he didn't say it. He said, you dirty, yellow-bellied rat. So he never said, you dirty rat. That's quite right. Maybe it's the gnawing that offends us. Rats will gnaw anything. Wood, cables, wires have been blamed for a quarter of all fires of unknown origin. They're the single most common cause of failure of burglar alarms,

making them complicit in billions of dollars of theft a year, although they are notoriously difficult to pick out of a line-up, especially if there's another rat to choose from. They aren't without personality, though. Rats are monogamous and committed. They can laugh, although sometimes prone to melancholy. They enjoy jazz, foreign films.

Their dislikes are dishonesty and time wasters. Rats are the number one animal for scientific experimentation, partly because their organs are similar in shape and function to human organs, but also because the head of the animal liberation fund has a phobia of rats and doesn't want to hear anything about it. Someone says, why don't we release the rats? He goes, la, la, la, la, la, I'm not listening.

However, contrary to the old wives' tale, if a rat is cornered, they won't go for the throat. Jo? I think rats would go for your throat. I think I've seen enough rats. But what? I'm now thinking I've never seen a rat going through anyone's throat, but there's something about it that makes me think that they would. What Dara said was that they wouldn't. So what you're saying is that he said a lie.

Have I misunderstood the whole concept of the game? If you were buzzing on lies, you've missed quite a few. OK. I... He said they don't go through your throat. Yeah. I somehow said I think they would. Yes.

Would you like to change your statement? I feel like I'm asleep and something terrible's happened. And I really don't understand the game now. May I have a few moments with my client? Yes. I think that's not true. I've got it. Whatever I think in my head, I'll say the opposite.

Did they not send you a briefing, Joe? Is that it? No, something's happened now where it's like, you know, patting your head on the stomach. You think they go for the, what did he say? Right. Okay, I've come back. Okay. I'm going to ask you now, is there anything that Dara has said recently that you think

might be true? Nothing at all. Nothing at all. No. No. That is actually the end of And if so... Nothing at all! Nothing at all! That is actually the end of Dara's little lecture. And Dara managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. One was that, contrary to the old wives' tale, if a rat is cornered, it won't go for the throat, which isn't not untrue. The others were that rats will gnaw anything.

Actually, I'm not sure they gnaw anything. I don't know how they are on uranium and methane. But they will pretty much gnaw anything, wood, cables, wires, and have been blamed for a quarter of all fires of unknown origin, because presumably they can light matches as well. And rats can laugh. Scientists have done studies, and they've shown if you tickle a rat, it'll laugh.

But they're not particularly into, you know, sitcoms. So, at the end of that, Dara, you scored three points. When Paris was besieged during the Franco-Prussian War, restaurants there served fried rat meat with greasy potato peelings as steak frites. In fact, they didn't let the siege affect them at all. According to my research notes, rat meat tastes rather like hedgehog. None the wiser? Well, hedgehog has a flavour somewhere between chicken and cat.

Right, it's now the turn of Jo Caulfield, a fine stand-up comedian, Jo tells me. She... a fine stand-up comedian... LAUGHTER I don't like your intonation, sir. It's true. I do tell him that, it's true. I'm just having problems reading. It's just... it's unfortunate it happened so soon after your brain attack. Right, it's now the turn of Jo Caulfield, a fine stand-up comedian. Jo

tells me she used to do the warm-up for the sitcom Gimme Gimme Gimme. So that's where they got the laughter track from. Your subject, Jo, is Prince Philip, or the Duke of Edinburgh, husband and consort of Queen Elizabeth II. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Jo. Prince Philip, unlikeers, the rest of you. Off you go, Joe. Prince Philip, unlike rats, will not go for your throat. Prince Philip was born in 1821 and was originally christened Nana Muscuri. He was delivered on the dining room table of his parents' house in Corfu,

which wouldn't have been so bad if they weren't playing ping-pong at the time. Graham. I think he was born in Corfu, and it wouldn't surprise me if they delivered him on a dining room table. It's a ridiculous thing for me to have said if it's not true, isn't it? It's a stupid thing to say if it's not true. And it is true, so it's not a stupid thing to say. No, very wise thing to say. Being at one time fifth in line to the Greek throne meant his early years were spent learning traditional Greek pastimes.

Sandy. I think that's true. He is part of the Greek royal family. Yes, he was at one time fifth in line to the Greek throne. I don't think there is a Greek throne anymore, but he was fifth in line to it. Prince Philip's sole inheritance was a few old suits and a shaving brush. This meant the prince had a poor but happy childhood growing up in south-east London on the North Peckham estate. It was living in this multi-racial environment that

has given the duke such an affinity with different races and cultures. When visiting China in 1986, Prince Philip famously told a group of British students, if you stay here much longer, you'll probably benefit greatly from this wise and ancient culture. Sandy? Ha-ha. Oops. Also, Prince Philip once remarked to the president of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional African robes, you look like you're ready for bed.

The Nigerian President replied, and you look ready for a punch in the head. His marriage to the Queen was a huge surprise, as they were not even remotely related to each other. The Duke of Edinburgh is a strong family man and an indulgent grandfather. When asked for his opinion about Prince William split with his girlfriend Kate, he replied, who the hell's Prince William? He did, however, defend Prince Harry's decision to wear a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party. He said it was a silly mistake that could have happened to anyone that had one in their wardrobe. it was a silly mistake that could have happened to anyone that had one in their wardrobe.

He did add that he thought it was rather ironic of Harry to set himself up as a member of the master race when he's ginger with one O-level. And one German newspaper claimed that Buckingham Palace had confirmed that Prince Philip was a father of 24 illegitimate children. They retracted the claim when they realized the palace had actually said he had 24 godchildren. Thank you, Jo. And at the end of that, Jo managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Prince Philip's sole inheritance was a few old soups and a shaving brush, and that he once remarked to the president of Nigeria

who was dressed in traditional African robes, you look like you're ready for bed. The third truth is that in 1995, a German newspaper did claim briefly that Prince Philip was the father of 24 illegitimate children because the palace had said he had 24 godchildren. I don't know whether the German for godchild and bastard are very close. Anyway, so that means you've scored three points.

The Queen and Prince Philip are third cousins by descent from Queen Victoria, but by a quirk of his descent from both Christian IX of Denmark and our own King George III, Philip is his own fourth cousin. So he is in fact more closely related to his wife than he is to himself. If Elizabeth hadn't come along, he'd actually have been forced to marry himself. The only thing that stopped him was that he couldn't stand the thought of getting hitched to some bloody foreigner. Okay, it's now the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is trousers,

an item of clothing worn on the lower part of the body that covers both legs separately. Off you go, Graham. Modern trousers, or pantechnicans, were originally garments designed for women. As a reaction to the full-bodied crinoline, women took to wearing a narrow figure-hugging skirt, popularly known as the rouser, or in the North, t-rouser.

Eventually, these skirts became so narrow, they would only accommodate one leg at a time, so the woman would have to wear two, one on each leg, i.e. a pair of trousers. Now, the ancient Greeks had a similar item of clothing, but the two-joined skirts were actually wide enough to hold two people, as it were, one down each leg of the trousers, and these were known as philophippides, or friendship skirts. Dara. Can we bizarrely, or friendship skirts. Dara. Can we bizarrely... I think that might be true. It isn't.

No. I mean, it's a great way to get to know someone, sharing a massive pair of trousers with them. Oddly enough, the Romans only used trousers to clothe their pets and livestock, a practice which is now frowned upon, and indeed today goats are not legally allowed to wear trousers in Massachusetts. Sandy. I want that to be true. I want the people of Massachusetts to have brought in a law

that says that goat-wearing trouser thing has got to stop. You're absolutely right, they did. Stop. You're absolutely right, they did. I don't know whether it genuinely had got out of hand, everyone dolling their goats up in trousers the whole time, but anyway, for whatever reason, that was worth the time of the Massachusetts legislature,

and, yeah, they haven't got rid of that one. You never know, I suppose Massachusetts might have been a witchcraft thing, mightn't it? No, with the goats and the chaps. I actually, I belong to a club in London called the University Women's Club, and they have two rules, and one is no mobile phones, which is great, and the other one is no goats. It's absolutely true. What?

No goats. Murder is fine. No, anything else. I said to the chairwoman, she said, is there anything you'd like to change in the club? I said, I'd quite like to bring my dog. She said, bring your dog, that's not a problem. We like dogs. We do, however,

have a no-goat rule. And I said, sorry. She said, yes, very tight. I said, a woman from Dorset kept bringing her goat and in the end, it made such a mess of the dining room curtains, I'm afraid, with regret, we had to make a rule. For a time, Victorian prudery dictated the fashion of trousers with fly openings only at the back.

Things... Yes. What? Yeah. I haven't seen a Victorian man's fly. I think that's true, that you couldn't show that. That it would all be sort of action man-like and have all the business at the back?

I don't... Unfortunately, no, that's not true. That's not true. I like the idea of them being so British they keep their genitalia behind them. Oh, no, Albert, put it behind you. The singing cowboy, Gene Autry, film star, popularised the cheap denim trousers that are still known as jeans. Joe?

I think that's true about the singing star Gene Autry popularising jeans. It's not. Oh. The clue might have been that the name Gene is usually spelt G-E-N-E, whereas the trousers... Oh, but I got very tired away with him being the cowboy. You know, I know who he is. Well, why wouldn't genes be spelt G-E-N-E? I didn't listen to that. Did you say that?

Gene... They were spelt G-E-N-E. I didn't mention the spelling, but I just... Did you? No, Gene Autry invented... Invented what? Genetics. Try this one, Jo.

History is filled with accounts of trouser-related disasters. In New Zealand in the 1930s, farmers trying to eradicate ragwort had trouble with exploding trousers, and this was as a result of spraying weed killer, which reacted with the organic fibres in their trousers to form an incendiary mixture. Please let that be true, exploding trousers. Yes, that's true.

Today, jeans range in price from a few dollars to the most expensive jeans in Escada's couture line, which come studded from top to bottom with Swarovski crystals and retail at $10,000 a pair. Sandy. I have a pair of those, and... Devinously uncomfortable to sit in, I must say. Do you think that's true? I think it's true.

Yes, it's true yes it is true i don't believe you've got a pair no no that bit was a lie but it doesn't really matter because i'm not the one who's speaking the truth now you're quite right you're allowed to lie no yes that's absolutely i've got the hang of the game i i'm fine with it no pants day is now an international holiday observed in several western countries on the first friday in may and it's marked, obviously, by not wearing any trousers. And in May 2004, Louisiana state legislator Derek Shepard proposed a bill that would make it a crime to appear in public

wearing trousers hanging below the waist and thereby exposing one's skin or intimate clothing. Darn. I presume that's true because of the fashion in America for showing your underwear over jeans. Yes, that is absolutely true. I think they were fed up with seeing a lot of people's G-strings and stuff. Thank you, Graham.

Well, Graham only managed to smuggle one truth past the panel, which was that No Pants Day is now an international holiday observed in several Western countries on the first Friday in May, and is marked by not wearing any trousers, although presumably in Britain by just going commando. So that means, Graham, you've scored one point. For the benefit of any visiting Americans listening, I should explain that trousers are what you call pants,

and while we're at it, a sidewalk is the pavement, and you get gasoline from the pump labelled diesel. When boys began to be dressed in long trousers at the turn of the 19th century, the first wearing of long trousers became a signal that a boy should have his curls cut. Otherwise they got caught in the zip. Which brings us to the final scores. In joint third place are Dara and Joe with two points. In second place with six points, it's Graham Garden.

And the winner with seven points, it's Graham Garden. And the winner with seven points is Sandy Toxvig. Thank you all, and goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden, and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Sandy

Toxvig, Dara O'Brien, Joe Caulfield, and Graham Garden. The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.