The Unbelievable Truth - 02x02 The Toilet, Cows, Sandwiches, Giraffes

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

02x02 12 May 2008[17] Michael McIntyre, Fred MacAulay, Graeme Garden, Lucy Porter The Toilet, Cows, Sandwiches, Giraffes

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello, and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game about truth and lies. This is where we take a small number of facts and conceal them in a large number of inaccuracies under a healthy dollop of fabrication. Joining me, please welcome our four guests,

who are Lucy Porter, Michael McIntyre, Fred McCauley and Graham Garden. Each panellist will take it in turn to present a short and largely inaccurate lecture on a given subject. Each has come along equipped with some unlikely but completely true information which they should try to hide in amongst their lies. Successfully slipping in unnoticed true facts scores points, as does the spotting of them. We'll begin with Michael McIntyre. Michael has been described by the London Evening Standard as a punchline away from stardom. Seems a bit of a crucial omission for a comedian.

That was six years ago as well. Oh, really? How's it coming off? Close, close, very close. Oh, really? And I've had a lot of work since. Close. Close. Very close. Michael, your subject is the toilet, otherwise known as lavatory or loo, which, according to my dictionary, is a plumbing fixture primarily intended for the disposal of bodily wastes. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else.

Off you go, Michael. Right. This is on the toilet. That's it. Maybe your stardom punchline will be somewhere concealed. Stop it. I was kidding. Now, this subject was given to me, OK? And I know talking about the toilet might make people want to go...

Graham, that's a fact. I haven't started. I haven't started. I think I haven't started. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Michael, because I believe you haven't started. Are you going to start? Yes. Let's start with some statistics. Since the emergence of the mobile phone, 60% of people now use phone boxes to urinate.

30% still use them to make calls, and the remaining 10% make calls whilst peeing. 10% make calls whilst peeing. The average person spends three years of their life on the loo, whereas John Prescott spent ten years standing over it. Lucy? I think that it's true that we spend three years of our life on the toilet. It is absolutely true, yes. I mean, it sort of stands to reason, really.

Oh, the format works. Now for the punchline. Using the toilet is such a private concern that nobody really knows what other people really do in there. Graham. That's true. I think in general we know what other people do in there. You might not know the specifics of every act committed in every toilet, but I don't think he'd really implied that.

And at this point I should point out that you do lose points for incorrect challenges such as that. So I lose a point? I'm afraid so, Graham, which means you have less than no points. But, you know, some people finish the game with less than no points, which reminds us all about the terrible imbalances of wealth in the world. It always gets a laugh, the thought of that. If you're feeling miserable, think how poor some people are.

It's quite rainy today. Not like Bangladesh. Michael. Using the toilet is such a private concern that nobody really knows what other people are really doing in there. A recent survey revealed surprising errors in technique. For example, it was discovered a family in Cornwall have for generations been sitting the wrong way round facing the system. When told of their blunder, they issued a statement simply reading,

we don't care, always more comfy. The French have long considered toilet water a delicacy and still drink it on special occasions. It was originally drunk to improve their breath Fred I think the toilet water could be considered a delicacy by the French or the toilet I don't know I wouldn't say delicacy I mean I think oh the toilet obviously is sort of basically perfume isn't it but that's that's not actually water from a lavatory. A delicacy is not something that makes you considered delicate. TB is something that makes you considered delicate.

It was considered a great honour in France to be showered by somebody's toilet water. If a woman was attracted to a male passerby, she would flag up her interest by throwing a bucket of toilet water on his head. In fact, our word for loo is taken from the French phrase, garde le. Graham. This is a theory, yes. True. Yes, that is true, yes, from the French phrase, garde le,

which was shouted as people emptied their chamber pots into the street. So, well done, Graham. That's it. Very clever, but puts you on zero. The women's loo, a world closed to man, is a place where the users have developed fantastic skills. In a survey, it was discovered that 91% of 30,000 British women won't sit properly on public toilets,

but instead adopt a semi-sitting squatting position. Lucy. And I hate every single one of them. It's a very annoying thing. Yes, they do. So you're in the 9%? I think I am. That is absolutely true. I am. Because I just don't know how you have the thigh muscles to do that.

Because often also in a public ladies' lavatory, the lock is broken as well. So you have to use one leg to keep it shut, and then some kind of weird yogis who are managing to do this thing. It is perfectly safe to sit on a ladies' lavatory, because nobody else does. So they're causing the very problem they're reacting to. Well, exactly. See, if people would just sit down... Yeah, but people won't.

So essentially, the 9% of you who don't, shouldn't be. You know what I mean? Although, according to Fred McCauley, that now makes the back of my thighs a delicacy, of course. Yeah. Lucy, as are the front.

That's a sort of disgusting way of being suave. I'm James Bond, but with very earthy vocabulary. Was the hover peeing true or not? Was it 93% did or didn't? Yes, that was true, yes. Yeah, you were right there. I think I said you were right. Listen, the points are all totted up, it's all being recorded, you won't go without. I think I said you were right. Listen, the points are all totted up. It's all being recorded. You won't go without.

I am quite competitive, that's why. If there was a competition for weeing standing up, I'd be in it. You'd have some stiff competition for us three. Well, that had everything, that experience. Michael. Carriage pots were often placed under the seats of 19th century carriages. A woman could lift the seat cushion, sit down on the open board below, and shielded by her wide hoop skirt,

relieve herself as the coach rattled through... Definitely true. Rattled through a crowded street. Yes, quite right, that's totally true. Right. Hoop skirts were so large in those days that women of exceptional wealth would always have at least one dwarf working full-time within.

His primary duties being to change chamber pots, sweep the ground she walked on and whisper the answers to pub quiz questions. I'm sure everyone listening will have experienced that horror scenario when you complete your business aboard the bog, only to discover there is no toilet roll. Lucy. Sorry, I think it is true that everyone listening will have experienced the heart-sinking moment.

I think everyone will as well. No one is so organised as always to check. But there's a degree of ambiguity think so? Yes, I don't This heart-sinking moment needs a clear head as you consider your options frantically looking around for a substitute or waddle walking to where it is kept That's the laughter of people who have waddles. We have some in. There was a time when the whole world faced this dilemma. Before the invention of toilet paper, the following were used in its place.

A muscle shell called a scraper. The Romans used a stick with a sponge on one end. In the desert, sand was the cleaner of choice. Fred? I think I'd like to say that the mussel scraper is true. Yes, it is true, yes. You couldn't make it up, could you? As is the Roman using a stick with a sponge on the end

and the desert sand. And one more thing, Michael, you were going to say, weren't you? Yeah, in the American South, corn cobs were sometimes used, often being reunited with the sweet corn. Yes. Thank you, Michael. And at the end of that round, Mike, I'm afraid you've managed to smuggle no truth past the rest of the panel,

which means you've scored no points. Thank you for your support. Yeah. Ah, what would the world be like, I wonder, without modern hygienic flush toilets? It would be like France. OK, we turn now to Fred McCauley. OK, we turn now to Fred McCauley Your subject, Fred, is cows or cattle Domesticated ungulates

Commonly raised for meat, dairy products and leather Fingers on buses, everyone else Off you go, Fred In this topsy-turvy world we live in With city zoos and city farms A new type of cows has developed Called city cows Most often seen in financial centres like Zurich.

Not working, of course. That would be ridiculous. More luck, Graham. Yeah, that would be ridiculous. I think it's quite true. OK, you can have a point for that, I think. Not seen working, of course, but hanging around in wine bars and lap-dancing bars, usually in groups of 12 or more, mirroring their countryside cousins where a dozen cows or more,

or a flink of cows, as they're called, would hang around together, but probably not attracting as much attention. I should say that this is not because of any suffering from BSE or bovine Spongebob square pants. The rich tea tract, sorry, Jaffa cake tract, sorry, digestive tract, I am really sorry, of cows can be a mysterious enough area for the layman, but as part of a balanced diet, some cows are fed magnets. But not as you might expect to speed up the attachment of the metal milking machines. It actually lessens the damage caused to the cows by the bits of wire, nails,

and other pieces of metal which they regularly swallow. Thank God, I thought it was in just a minute. Lucy. Yeah, I can imagine they eat a lot of metal. Why not send a magnet in after the metal? That's absolutely true. Magnets are fed to cows to sort of stow any metal they swallow. Presumably, so the magnet goes in,

but then the magnet's got to come out with a load of metal attached to it. It shows you, if you want to steal magnets, then looking in cowpats is not as stupid a place to start as you might originally have thought. Carry on. The digestive tract, as I mentioned, is only one of the cow's organs which can be used in a recyclable manner, as the steamed organs of cattle power trains in Sweden, which is handy if you want to escape from the smell of steamed cow organs. Oh, we don't like the smell of the steamy organs, as the cows might say in their Swedish accent, because researchers have discovered that cows do indeed have regional accents.

The meaty... Graham. I think there is some truth in that. I think cows do moo differently in different parts of the country. They do indeed, yes. Cows genuinely have regional moos. And now the regional moos from your area. I love regional moos. Why are you groaning at that? I'm killed for that. Take that as your punchline. Can I have it? I love regional moves. Why are you groaning at that? I'll kill for that. Take that as your punchline.

Can I have it? I love it. The meaty by-product of rearing cows needs to be dried out, and after slaughter it's kept in a room called the gallows, where it's hung to make it nice and dry. It's not hung in the way we associate with despots and dictators being hung, as the last cow to be hanged was in Paris in 1740 after it was convicted in a French court for sorcery. And even the French have moved on from that.

Lucy. Always worth a punt at mad people prosecuting animals. Yes, well, in this case it's definitely worth a punt, because that's absolutely true. In this case, it's definitely worth a punt, because that's absolutely true. Yes, the last time a live cow was judicially hanged in public was in Paris in 1740, and the sentence was carried out following the cow's conviction for sorcery. So, you know, well done for spotting that, the French, I'd say, because you can get into terrible trouble with those magic cows.

They'll take over your banking business as soon as they look at you. And that's the end of Fred's bit. That's the end of code. And in that round, Fred, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that a group of 12 or more cows is known as a flink, and that in Sweden there's a train that runs on methane which is collected from cows, not from their burps or farts, apparently it's their burps that are methane-y, not their farts, I didn't know that, but from their stewed organs. The stewed organs of one cow

will get the train about two miles along the tracks, and presumably there's quite a delicious smell as well. So that means, Fred, you've scored two points. Right, it's now the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is the sandwich, a food item made of two or more slices of leavened bread with one or more layers of filling, typically meat or cheese. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Graham. Now, the word sandwich comes to us from the sandwich islands. When Captain James Cook put into the sandwich islands to pick up supplies, the islanders offered him pork served between

two slices of breadfruit. He took a supply of this back to his ship and personally prepared his crew's dinner. And that's how we get the word to cook. And today it's estimated that Americans eat well over 300 million sandwiches each day. Michael. It sounds like a statistic that is correct, that Americans eat all those sandwiches each day. Over 300 million sandwiches each day. That's each American? No, no, that's

actually surprisingly in total. Unbelievable. Well, I'm still going for it. That is true, and that's more than one each. So, some Americans are having two sandwiches for lunch. And, crucially...

You'd never know, would you? And crucially, no Americans aren't having sandwiches for lunch. I think that's a safe inference from that statistic. So I think all Americans have sandwiches for lunch. It's a cultural thing, that's all they have. So, well done. Now. It's a cultural thing. That's all they have. So, well done. Now, here's a tip. If you happen to be thinking of making yourself a Stilton cheese sandwich,

research at Bristol University has shown that the ideal amount is a slice exactly three millimeters thick. There are three basic types of sandwich. Fred. I'm going to go for the three millimetres of Stilton. Yes, that's absolutely true. Research at Bristol University has shown... Well done, Bristol. I mean...

You leave the diabetes and malaria to other places. Somebody at Bristol University is being paid to work out the perfect amount of Stilton for a sandwich so that no one needs to use their own judgment or taste or decide for themselves. Presumably, you know how cheddars, when you buy cheddar in the supermarket, the maturity of the cheddar is sort of graded from one to five. They could work out a formula that it's sort of X times the maturity grade of the cheddar millimetres for cheddar. Because you'd want it thicker for a milder cheddar, wouldn't you?

Well, don't give it away. You get a grant for that. I think we should do something to get to food. I think that is a good idea. I think that, you know, we are fat. And if there was some kind of physical challenge in the supermarket for each item Maybe like sort of gladiators. Yes, that's exactly how I see it. Well, maybe maybe the meat should still be alive Apparently that was a way humans used to get exercise It worked very well. Yeah, there wasn't really an obesity problem back then. No, there wasn't. There was a starvation

problem, of course. Although there's a starvation problem in the world now. But also an obesity problem. It's a wonderful state of affairs to have got to. I like the gladiator thing. They could have those big earbud sticks. Johnson's baby things. Yes, that's it. The people at checkouts

should have one of those and fight you off You'd have to run along the conveyor belt And you can have that Scottish guy Shopper ready It'd be fantastic In New York the Street Vittles Act of 1990 allowed ingenious vendors

to sell lumps of hot meat served between two bread slices to prevent their customers seeing what they were eating. And now this idea had first been tried out by 15-year-old Charles Nagreen in 1885 at the county fair in Seymour, Wisconsin. And the unidentified hot meat sandwich didn't immediately catch on, but word of it reached Hamburg, which at the time was suffering from a plague of rats. And the rest is history. Michael. I think the initial thing about the smuggling the hot meat in the sandwich is a truth. What, in New York, the Street Vittles Act of 1990 allowed vendors to sell lumps of hot meat

served between two bread slices to prevent their customers seeing what they were eating. That bit? Correct. No, that's not correct. Oh, am I losing point now? Yeah. Oh.

Graham. In 1939, when President Franklin D. Roosevelt and his wife Eleanor wanted to introduce something truly American to the visiting King George VI of England and his queen, he served the royal guests hot dogs. Lucy. Yeah, what a horrible thing to do to anyone, but I bet they did. Yes, they did. That's absolutely true.

They probably just wanted to humiliate them. He hated George VI, Franklin Roosevelt. Possibly. Well, the royals were so impressed with this tasty item that during the Blitz, the Queen would often tour the east end of London, distributing the sausage-in-a-bap treats referred to locally as Windsor corgis. The present Earl of Sandwich tells me that his son Orlando

helps to run the Earl of Sandwich sandwich bar at Disney World in Orlando, Florida. Thank you, Graham. At the end. So, Graham, at the end of that round you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that the idea of serving hot meat between two bread slices had first been tried out by 15-year-old Charles Negreen in 1885 at the county fair in Seymour, Wisconsin. He became known as Hamburger Charlie. And the other truth is that I believe a friend of Graham's, is that right? Your friend, the Earl of Sandwich? Yes, he is. of Graham, is that right? Your friend the Earl of Sandwich? You know the current Earl of Sandwich? Did indeed tell Graham that his son Orlando helped run the Earl of Sandwich sandwich bar at Disney World in Orlando. Which means Graham that you scored two points. The village of Sandwich in Kent is just three miles from the village of Ham. The village of Sandwich in Kent is just three miles from the village of Ham.

Visitors wishing to be amused can visit the spot halfway between the two where there's the hilarious sign that reads, Road closed for gas main repair. The largest sandwich ever made measured 12 square feet and weighed nearly 7,000 pounds, but was probably even bigger before John Prescott threw it up. Oh, poor old John Prescott. He's a bulimic, but a lazy bulimic. He didn't always get around to being sick. Okay.

I think I spoke to a doctor who I know who said it was Munchhausen's bulimia by proxy. He did all the eating and other people were sick around him. It's now the turn of Lucy Porter. Your subject, Lucy, is giraffes, African even-toed ungulate mammals and the tallest of all land-living

animal species. Off you go, Lucy. The giraffe only moved onto land about a million years ago. It was originally an aquatic mammal and developed its long neck so that while swimming it wouldn't get its hair wet. Giraffes are regarded as the gayest animal in the zoo. Geoffrey, the Toys R Us giraffe, is the only out gay animated brand representative, apart from Pop out of Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Male giraffes frequently caress and court each other, leading up to mounting in climax. Female giraffes also indulge in lesbian acts, but this often results in whiplash. lesbian acts, but this often results in whiplash. Fred? It just felt like time for a fact. Would you like to plump for something? Yeah, I'll plump for the two male giraffes, please. Yes, that's absolutely true.

Male giraffes frequently caress and court each other. I think there is a related fact that male giraffes actually do more business with each other than they do with female giraffes. Something like 98% of giraffe sexual relations are man-on-man. That would be giraffe-on-giraffe, I think. If it's man-on-man, they've probably just borrowed a giraffe suit from a party shop. Giraffes have no vocal cords. They communicate by sucking air in and out of their anuses to produce a low moaning sound. Don't we all?

A giraffe's anus can produce up to six different tones. In Malawi, a recording of this giraffe music stayed at the top of the charts for seven months until it was knocked off the number one spot by Hootie and the Blowfish. Giraffe tails are used as currency in some societies. Graham? I think it is used as currency.

It is? Yes. Well done. When they toss up at the beginning of a football match, it always comes up tails. A giraffe's height is a constant danger to it in captivity. Of all the animals in the zoo, it's generally the giraffes that get struck by lightning. The giraffes in London Zoo all wear tiny rubber slippers to counter this threat.

During the winter, they also wear scarves at night. These are made by the London Zoo Giraffe Scarf Society which has over 300 members. I know it's sweet. When giraffes were first exhibited at Bristol Zoo in the 1850s children were allowed to use the animal's long necks as part of a ring toss game. The zookeepers hadn't realised that not only is the blow from an adult giraffe's neck so strong it can fell a small tree, but its kick is so powerful that it can decapitate a lion. Michael. I think that

kicking is true. They can decapitate lions. They really kick hard. Yes, they can. That's absolutely true. Well done. I would love to see footage of a giraffe. It must be on YouTube somewhere. It would be a YouTube giraffe literally kicking a lion's head off.

The zookeepers didn't realise... Oh, I've done that. This kick is so powerful it can decapitate a lion. You might get a lot of points this way. I think that whole kicking of the head thing. We got into a time loop last week. We only finished five minutes before we started

today. The zoo called a halt to other fun games such as pin the actual tail on the actual donkey and lion's mouth brand tub. Thank you Lucy. So Lucy you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that giraffes have no vocal cords, and a danger to giraffes in captivity

is that they're typically the tallest objects in a zoo, and they're at increased risk of being struck by lightning. Again, I'd quite like to see footage of that. Maybe straight after it had kicked their head off a line. So that means, Lucy, that you've scored two points. Interesting fact, the giraffe used to be called the camel leopard because it looked a bit like a camel and a bit like a leopard, much in the same way that the zebra used to be called the camel leopard, because it looked a bit like a camel and a bit like a leopard, much in the same way that the zebra used to be called the pedestrian crossing horse.

The distinctive pattern of the giraffe's coat is believed to be a form of camouflage, evolving from the giraffe's habit of hiding on crazy paving. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with one point, it's Michael McIntyre. In third place, with three points, it's Fred McCauley. In second place, with five points, it's Graham Garden. And in first place, with an unassailable seven points, it's this week's winner, Lucy Porter. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable.

I was David Mitchell, and that's the Unbelievable Truth. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Graham Garden, Lucy Porter, Fred McCauley and Michael McIntyre. The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.