The Unbelievable Truth - 02x04 Skateboards, William Shakespeare, Frogs, Bananas

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

02x04 26 May 2008[19] Tony Hawks, Simon Evans, Alan Davies, Phill Jupitus Skateboards, William Shakespeare, Frogs, Bananas

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. the chair please welcome David Mitchell hello and welcome to the unbelievable truth the panel game about truth and lies joining me to fabricate conceal and reveal please welcome our four guests who are in reverse order almost unpronounceable so let's do them the right way round they are Phil Jupiter, Tony Hawk, Simon Evans and Alan Davis. Now, the game is very simple. In fact, if it were any simpler, we'd have to call it Simon and send it out to buy pies from some mythical pieman on his way to a fair.

Each of the panels speaks mainly rubbish. They will take turns to present a short lecture on a given subject. And they've each been provided with some unlikely but completely true information which they should try to hide in amongst their lies. Successfully slipping in unnoticed true facts scores points, as does the spotting of them. Let's kick off with Tony Hawks. Tony first found fame as a musician with his single The Stutter Rap. Released in December 1987, the country was on tenterhooks as it became that year's Christmas number 47. Tony, your subject is the skateboard, a four-wheeled platform propelled by pushing with one foot while the other remains on the board. The world champion skateboarder is the stunningly attractive male model, Tony Hawks.

Tony Hawks. Despite this, Tony Hawks receives no emails to his website every week from illiterate American kids who intend to tell another world champion skateboarder, Tony Hawk, that he rocks and that he is a cool dude. Tony Hawks doesn't reply rudely to them and publish the replies on his site. Half the skateboarders in America have no pubic hair. Roughly half of them live in California, and 50% don't realise that 50% is half. Alan. I don't know. Yes. The thing about half the skateboarders live in California.

I bet that's right. Yeah, that's true. Yes, well done. Well done. There are only three tricks that it's possible to perform on a skateboard, and they are these. When the skateboarders raise one arm aloft after a jump, it is known as

Hitler Air. When skateboarders genuflect in mid-air after having leapt from a ramp, it is commonly called a Pope Air. And when skateboarders genuflect in mid-air after having leapt from a ramp, it is commonly called a Pope-air. And when skateboarders simulate an effigy of Jesus Christ whilst in mid-air, it's called Christ-air. All of the US House of Representatives are fanatical skateboarders, and regularly do Christ-airs before debating new laws. In fact, they are so keen that they have proclaimed June the 21st as a national holiday for skateboarding.

Simon. That last bit, and that last bit alone, the national holiday, I think, might be. Yes, that's absolutely true. Celebrity skateboarders include John McCrurick and Anne Widdicombe. The skateboarders include John McCrurick and Anne Widdicombe. Another celebrity skater is Sir Ben Kingsley. Filming on Gandhi was held up for two weeks when Ben, or Sir as I like to call him, sprained his ankle skateboarding between takes.

Phil. I think that happened. It didn't happen. No, no, no, you misunderstand. I think it did. I'm just exposing an inner truth and state of massive delusion I labour under. No, it didn't happen. But imagine Gandhi on a skateboard. Be fair. What a pleasing image. I mean, that's a film pitch in itself, actually, and you should probably not share it with us,

because we'll all be going into Miramax tomorrow. Gandhi on a skateboard. This time the Raj is going to have wheels on it a bit. I can see it now, Morrissey singing the soundtrack. Gandhi on a skateboard, I know, I know. Well, I thought of it first. See, already there are criminations. It's not going to be a film, OK?

In Norway, one day in November 1978, all skateboarders fell off their skateboards at the same time, owing to a minor earthquake. As a result, there was a long period in Norway from 1978 to 1989 when skateboarding was completely banned. Alan. No way you made that up. Which bit? There was an earthquake and it was banned because it was dangerous,

they were falling off. Being an earthquake's not true, but it is true that skateboarding was banned in Norway from 1978 to 1989, but not because of any earthquake fears or falling off fears, but just because it was deemed annoying. Yes, sir. Which, of course, it is. It is annoying, and they were right,

and I don't know what madness came over them in 1989 for them to re-legalise it. What are you going to do with the adjudication on that one? I think I'm going to give you the point, Alan. Oh, I've got a point. I love skateboarding, by the way. It's not annoying at all. And I imagine there's a number of furious Norwegian skateboarding enthusiasts listening to this show.

Oh, dude, why is he saying that about my sport? I think they went over... 1987 to 1988 was the darkest year of my life. Are these the sort of Norwegian skateboarders who have motor neurone disease? They speak through those special computers. Carry on, please.

When skateboarders flip their boards with their right foot, the term bongo is used. When skateboarders flip their boards with their left foot, the term spongo is used. When skateboarders push with their front foot rather than their back foot, the term mongo is used. When skateboarders push with their front foot rather than their back foot, the term mongo is used. The word skateboard means fish

in Bengali. That is all. Thank you, Tony. And at the end of that round, Tony, you managed to smuggle two truths past the panel. Don't tell me it was the Bengali fish. Please, it wasn't bongo, spongo, pongo, mongo. It was.

One of them was that when skateboarders push with their front foot rather than their back foot, the term mongo is used. Oh, that's lovely and sound for Radio 4. The other two ongo terms weren't true. And the other truth was that when skateboarders simulate an effigy of Jesus Christ

while in mid-air, it's called Christ-air. Isn't that the Vatican's airline? That means, Tony, you've scored two points. Tony indeed spoke truthfully. Between 1978 and 1989, skateboarding was banned in Norway. It was deemed too noisy, dangerous and unsociable.

It also frightened the whales and made them difficult to slaughter. There is much debate surrounding the best skateboard for various jobs. The UK's top skateboarder believes a 29-inch board is best for street use, but a 27-inch is best for stunts, whereas his girlfriend is a completely hypothetical construct. The most likely part of the body to be injured while skateboarding is the wrist. How ironic is that? OK, we turn now to Simon Evans. Your subject, Simon, is William Shakespeare, the poet and playwright sometimes referred to as the Bard of Avon,

and widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Simon. William Shakespeare is amongst the most enigmatic writers to have come out of his native Wales. Even his real name is a mystery, for in each of the half-dozen signatures we have... Alan. Was he born in Wales? I'm actually quite curious. The answer is no, he wasn't born in Wales.

He was born in Stratford-upon-Avon. Thought it was a trick one. Because then you would have been the bard of Cardiff. The bard of the taffy. He'd have moved. They didn't have pens or anything there, did they? Or did they not? For keeping the sheep in. Oh, yeah, good idea.

That's the sort of pun that Shakespeare himself would be proud of. Even his real name is a mystery. For in each of the half-dozen signatures we have, he spells it differently. And in one, he has even drawn little hearts as the dots over the eyes in William. I think he does sign it differently. Spells it differently. Yeah, that's true. and in one he has even drawn little hearts as the dots over the eyes in William. Tony? I think he does sign it differently.

Spells it differently. Yeah, that's true. Yes, yeah, you're right, both of you. But Tony gets the point, doesn't he? Yes. And also, he never spells it as we spell it today. But, I mean, obviously, he's just trying lots of things. He doesn't know how to spell it.

So why should we listen to him? What does he know about writing? Shakespeare was born in 1564 of illiterate parents as evidenced by their subscription to Ye Daily Express. His subsequent achievements? Tony, he was born in 1564. He was indeed, and to illiterate parents. He was in fact baptised on the 26th of April, 1564, so it's most likely he was born that year.

And his official birthday is traditionally observed on the 23rd of April. His father was illiterate, but a successful glove maker. Well, you don't need to be able to spell glove to make a good glove. No, you don't. You don't. You need to be able to count to five. Exactly. LAUGHTER You don't. You don't. You need to be able to count to five. Exactly. Would you send in Shakespeare a birthday card, if we're unsure about this,

but would you like to send in one of them Hallmark ones with a really crappy poem in it? I think if I was sending a birthday card to Shakespeare, I'd choose one of the sort of tasteful, maybe with a nice print from the V&A on the front, a spot that's blank for my message. But I don't think I'd go one of the sort of tasteful, maybe with a nice print from the V&A on the front. Heritage. There's blank for my message. But I don't think I'd go for a poem.

I'd feel embarrassed. I'd have a kitten in a sombrero. Right. On the front. You know those kittens they have on those cards? They're all dead, you know. What, after the photograph? I know they're dead now.

No, they're dead, and then they use them to make photos of them. So they put a dead kitten in a spoon and then whack the end of it and it flies in the air. It's dead, you know. Snuff cards. They're snuff cards. Yeah, then they get four kittens and shove them in a milk bottle or something and they look really... I just made that one up, but that's a good idea. Like the one where the kitten is on the broom handle.

Is that a kitten alive? It's already dead. They're all dead. And all the ones with children with chocolate on their faces like that in the 50s. Those kids are all dead as well. Very few living people feature on birthday cards. Well, if they're still alive, you've got to pay them a royalty, haven't you? You wouldn't have to pay a royalty to a kitten.

You'd have to pay it to their handler. you'd have to pay it to their handler oh silly me yeah little deck chair kitten in it that kitten's dead yeah my dear bacon the card you sent me cut me to the quick fort has been told the kitten was dead on Friday. Ah, my heart wept for the dead feline thereof. Thanks for the fiver, though. It sounds a bit like Robert Robinson, your Shakespeare. Carry on, sir. Whose go is it, anyway? It's fine. Go on, Shaky.

Shakespeare's obsessions are a window on his era. Sport features heavily among the plays are two mentions of cricket, albeit with a K, in The Comedy of Errors and King Lear. Tony? I think that there is reference to cricket. No, there isn't. No. No, there is reference to football.

Ah. But no, cricket I think was come up with a lot later. Among the other anachronisms in Shakespeare's plays are the appearance of a giraffe in Macbeth. No, I'm not fooling. He just gave me a little look. He gave me a sly little look to say you're going to press for that, David. I know you are. I'll have you know I did Macbeth for O-level and there's no giraffes in it. OK.

A chiming clock. Are there? A chiming clock. Are they? A chiming clock in Julius Caesar and the use of the word anachronism in The Merry Wives of Windsor, a full 80 years before Shakespeare would himself invent it in that very play. And yet Shakespeare was himself... You're playing mind games.

Shakespeare was himself well ahead of his time in being, among other things, a committed vegetarian. He even considered renaming Hamlet Omelette. He was a vegetarian. No, he wasn't. The cosmetics company Avon was originally established to sell Shakespeare's complete works door to door, the cheap cosmetics, for which they are now renowned

only being intended initially as giveaways, a somewhat counterintuitive lure into the world of great literature. Nowadays, the complete works themselves are often given away as a free gift, despite their apparent heft in book form, they actually come in at about five megabytes, containing less information, digitally speaking, than a couple of album tracks by McFly. Tony? The last bit's wrong, but he did say that they're often given away as gifts to people. Well, that's absolutely true, and the last bit isn't wrong. In digital form, they come in at about five megabytes,

containing less information than a couple of album tracks by McFly. Which I kind of wanted as well. It's all true. Thank you, Simon. At the end of that round, you've smuggled two truths past the rest of the panel. No. And they are that among the anachronisms in Shakespeare's plays is a chiming clock running some 1,400 years fast in Julius Caesar.

And the other one is that the cosmetics company Avon was... I knew it! I bloody had my finger there and I was scared. I was crippled by fear! Well, yes, it was originally established to sell Shakespeare's complete works door-to-door, and they gave cheap... I want them, but I'll have the lipstick. Well, they...

They gave the cosmetics as a freebie to encourage the sale of those complete works. You know now, they're very popular with transvestites. What, Shakespeare? No. Well, maybe, but Avon daughter door because they don't like going into the makeup department bit embarrassing So now it's more ding dong evil call it All right

Now he told me by a piece of transvestites who were embarrassed to go around dressed as a woman Why don't they stop? I don't know, it's just, there it is. It's all you've got to do. Anyway, that means, Simon, that you've scored two points. It's now the turn of Alan Davis. Your subject, Alan, is frogs. Amphibians characterized by their long hind legs, short bodies, webbed digits,

and protruding eyes. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Alan. There are an estimated 250 million frogs worldwide, and despite their fragile appearance, they are the toughest of all creatures, able to withstand extremes of heat and cold. During the war in Vietnam, the Southeast Asian amber bush frog was the only creature able to withstand napalm attacks. Burning napalm on the skin of the frog appeared to have no effect other than to cause it to glow in the dark. There were plagues of rats in the jungles of Vietnam, but the G.I. spoke... Well, that much is true, although it's not about frogs, so I don't know if it's allowed. Were there plagues of rats in the jungles of Vietnam?

Yes. I mean, I'm... I thought I played that up. I mean, it seems... I think you said the jungles were plagued by rats, or was it... No, they said there were plagues of rats in the jungles of Vietnam. You see, now I'm no leader. Oh, adjudicate. Go on.

I'm giving you the point. The best I expected was neutrality, really. Was it? There are also jungles in Vietnam if you want to. You could probably hang up on that point as well while you're in here. The GI's phobia of the glowing frogs led to behavioural studies that concluded that more people have a phobia of frogs than rats. Tony. More people do have a phobia of frogs than rats. Tony?

More people do have a phobia of frogs than rats. Yes, that's absolutely true. But are frogs equally hardy in cold conditions? The Norwegian explorer Amundsen wrote about a colony of large, docile arctic frogs which spend most of the year frozen solid. His discovery that it's possible to freeze and thaw certain frogs was always disputed by the British.

Simon. I did see some frozen frogs on Life in Cold Blood. I don't know if they were Arctic, but it's as good a place as any, isn't it, if you're going to find frozen frogs? So I'll say that bit's true. Well, just in Attenborough's fridge. Yeah. I put these in the fridge for a laugh.

It is absolutely true that it is possible to freeze and thaw certain frogs. Yeah. And that they will remain alive. Because otherwise, I mean, it's possible to freeze and thaw anything. But you can freeze and thaw them. And apparently they use sugars as an antifreeze for their vital organs. So, yeah. Good point.

Carry on. How dangerous are frogs, you may ask? Well, we may ask that. Yeah. I don't think I'm becoming a soft touch when I say that you should get two points. No, no facts, sorry. I've gone mad.

Don't be a fool. Carry on. The most poisonous frog in the UK is the midget bunny amphibian, which carries enough venom to kill a rival frog. Its effect on humans has been likened to the feeling you get after eating three chocolate eclairs in quick succession. Its venom status

on the Richter scale of venom, the Muller measure, where encounters range from lethal to harmless, is officially measured as regretful. Frogs are genetically incapable of aggression, so much so that the French became concerned about the sedative effect of frogs' legs on soldiers during the Napoleonic Wars and much as Hannibal introduced the term herd into the language when he brought a herd of elephants into Europe previously a herd of cows was referred to as a field of cows so boring it's got to be true this whole field of cows and the herd of I don't think you'd make this up. You sort of... He did, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry if he's diminished in your eyes as a result. But no, Hannibal didn't introduce the term heard into the language because actually no-one spoke English at the time of Hannibal. No, but I... He presumably spoke some Carthaginian dialect, and the Romans spoke Latin. He tricked me. He tricked me. Yeah, he did trick you. Sorry.

Napoleon's habit in his diaries of referring to them as an army of frogs has passed into common usage. The previous collective term for frogs was the dawn nymphs, due to their early morning chorus. Simon. Yeah, I'll have that. Dawn nymphs, due to their early morning chorus. Simon? Yeah, I'll have that. Dawn nymphs. This is not a sauna.

It's like you're in your bookies. Oh, yeah, I'll have dawn nymphs. Tenor on that. No, that's not true. Sorry. Well, it was beautiful. No, that's not true. Sorry. Well, it was beautiful.

The term the Dawn Nymphs was revived by the great French chef Auguste Escoffier, who served frog's legs in 1908 as the thighs of the Dawn Nymphs. Phil. Yeah, he did. You're right, he did. Escoffier is credited with the introduction of frog's legs to British menus 100 years ago and he called them the thighs of dawn nymphs to make them sound more palatable and I think Simon would agree that it does So in fact frogs have been referred to as dawn nymphs prior to Alan

This is not Crown Court You can't negotiate your way into it I just want to make sure that Alan didn't make up the term Dawn Nymphs, for which I credited him with a degree of poetry a little bit earlier. But in fact, this was Escoffier's term, was it? Yes, it was. OK, sorry, Alan. That's quite all right.

You've somehow wangled a plague of rats into Vietnam. Frogs were intended to be used by the American military in experiments in space, but when they were sent on high-altitude weightless experiments, it was discovered they vomit. Yeah. Tricky one, this, isn't it? Let Alan finish what he was going to say. And then buzz.

All right. And then buzz or not. Okay. It was discovered they vomit by throwing up their entire stomachs and then, and then buzz or not. Okay. You know. It was discovered they vomit by throwing up their entire stomachs and then cleaning them out with their little arms. Phil. There's the fella.

Yes, absolutely true. They vomit by throwing up their stomachs and cleaning them out with their little arms. I think that people would not throw up outside pubs if that's what happens. Oh, I've just got to clean my intestines out! The American military don't have little arms. No, the frogs have little arms. Oh, right. It would have been an evolutionary cul-de-sac if frogs were dependent on the American military

to be able to throw up. Thank you, Alan. military to be able to throw up. Thank you, Alan. You only managed to smuggle one truth past the panel, which is that the collective term for frogs is an army of frogs, rather than

a nymph's thigh. So that means you've scored one point. Frogs are quite peculiar in using their bulging legs to push food down to their stomachs, while the male's gaping mouths flap uncontrollably as they clasp the female with their hind legs while mating. The frog is the only creature to do this, with the possible exception of Andrew Lloyd Webber. OK, it's now the turn of Phil Jupitus. Phil's family came to Britain from Lithuania, and indeed Phil still carries a Lithuanian visa,

possibly one of the less useful credit cards. Your subject, Phil, is bananas, the common name for a fruit and also the herbaceous plants that produce bunches of this fruit. Off you go, Phil. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer's number one fruit, the banana, or as it is literally translated in Swahili,

the curving canary torpedo, contains more zinc than a full Sierra and is mined in the French Alps where its shape inspired the original design of the Alpine horn. Alan. More zinc than a full Sierra. No. No. I bet there's no zinc in a Ford Sierra.

Don't tell me it's made of zinc. No, I don't think Ford Sierras are made entirely of zinc. There's less zinc in a banana than a Ford Sierra, I think. Sorry. Bananas have several odd side effects that are not widely known. If eaten whole and sideways, they may cause victims to smile or frown uncontrollably. And if you do eat a large quantity of bananas, you become a mosquito magnet.

The first banana... Simon. Yes, have that one. The mosquito magnet. Yep, you're absolutely right. Thank you. Simon. Yes, have that one.

The mosquito magnet. Yep, you're absolutely right. The first bananas sold in the UK at 27 minutes to 5 or 16.33 were called Little Frenchmen as a term of abuse to the old enemy. This massive yellow herbal berry, the banana is not for the accident prone due to its... Alan. It is a berry. It is a berry. It is a berry. Yes, you're quite right.

Yes. Strictly botanically speaking, the banana is a berry, not a fruit. It is not for the accident prone due to its slippery qualities and aerodynamic shape. If you try to throw a banana away, it will come straight back at you. Bananas are poisonous to all but a handful of animals. The banana otter leaps over 60 feet from running water to snatch overhanging bananas.

This makes them prey for their main predator, the banana otter eagle. Which in turn is eaten by the banana otter eagle panther. The World Banana Eating Championships were held in Estonia, where the winner consumed ten in three minutes.

Thank you, Phil. A lot through, yes. So, Phil, at the end of that round, you smuggled three truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that the banana is the reindeer's, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and other reindeer's favourite fruit. Apparently they love bananas. They don't know where they find them, but...

You said it wasn't a fruit. Well, no, they are strictly a berry, but they're also colloquially a fruit. And I actually, in fact, I've had it up to here. People at home will have to guess, I've had it up to here. People at home will have to guess where I've had it up to. But with this whole thing

about, oh, the tomato's not a vegetable, it's a fruit. Oh, the strawberry's not a fruit, but the pips on it are a fruit. It's perfectly obvious what's a fruit. If it would go in a fruit salad, it's a fruit. And I don't see why any scientist has the right to gainsay that. The second truth, the smuggled pass, is that the first bananas sold in the UK were sold in 1633.

That's not the time, actually. That was your joke. In 1633, that's not the time, actually. That was your joke. The last truth is that at the World Banana Eating Championships that were held in Estonia, the winner consumed ten bananas in three minutes. Yeah, I thought that. Skins and all. Oh, skins and all.

Didn't seem enough, though, did it? I don't think it seems enough. No. If your raison d'etre in life was the quick consumption of bananas, would you not hope to get more than ten down you in three minutes? Because I would. I think that's pretty pathetic. Last year was a good

year, the year of ten, because last year was just eight. Oh, well, that's hardly a spectacle. Watching someone eat eight berries. So, that means, Phil, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place,

with minus two points, we have Tony Hawks. In third place, with a very creditable nought, it's Alan Davis. LAUGHTER In second place, with three points, it's Phil Jupitus. APPLAUSE And in first place, I'm slightly relieved to say, with a margin greater than the plague of rats point,

getting five points, It's Simon Evans That's about it for this week all that remains is for me to thank our guests They really were unbelievably good and that is unbelievably the truth. Goodbye The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Alan Davies, Simon Evans, Tony Hawkes and Phil Jupitus. The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.