The Unbelievable Truth - 02x05 The Bed, Sweden, Leonardo Da Vinci, Pigs

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

02x05 2 June 2008[20] Fred MacAulay, Graeme Garden, Lucy Porter, Michael McIntyre The Bed, Sweden, Leonardo Da Vinci, Pigs

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Please welcome our four guests who are going to mix fact with fiction. They are Lucy Porter, Michael McIntyre, Fred McCauley and Graham Garden. Each of the panel will present a short talk on a given subject,

which will mainly comprise falsehood and fabrication. However, they've all been provided with a number of true pieces of information which they should try to smuggle past the other players. Points are scored by truth that go unnoticed, while the opponents can win points if they do manage to spot them. Let's kick off with Fred McCauley. Fred, your subject is the bed, a piece of furniture or location primarily used as a place to sleep. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Fred.

Once a month, at the start of the month, Hungarian peasant wives turn their mattresses over and put on clean sheets to bring good luck and, more than likely, to confuse not the millions but billions of inhabitants like dust mites lurking therein. My 20-year-old son has almost managed to achieve something which it takes a normal human being a whole lifetime to achieve, in that he spent nearly 25 years in his bed. Centuries ago, the Far Eastern Discipline... Graham.

Sorry, trying to do the math. We do spend 25 years in bed. Yes, we absolutely do. Well done. And if my memory serves me right from another programme, three years in the toilet. Funny old life till you're 28, isn't it? But, I mean, you should cram it all into one. Get it over with. That's what my parents said.

Centuries ago, the Far Eastern discipline of Xiang Bei decreed that the angle a bed lay at in relation to the walls of the house would have a bearing on whether the occupant's teeth would chatter in the night. Roughly translated, the motto went, Bed facing south, rattly mouth. Bed facing west, teeth be best. Although obviously in Mandarin it didn't rhyme. It's not known whether Charles Dickens subscribed to Xiang Bei, but he was meticulous in ensuring that his bed was aligned from north to south, and furthermore

always... Graham. Ah, yeah, I think he did always sleep north to south. He did, yes. That's absolutely right. More men sleep nearer the bedroom door than women. A good few of those men, it has to be said,

are on the landing side of the bedroom door where they can be heard howling and begging forgiveness. In matters of law, the term... Lucy. This probably isn't true, but I think it's true that most men sleep on the side by the door so that they can get up and repel intruders. Yeah, that is absolutely true, yeah.

by the door so they can get up and repel intruders. Yeah, that is absolutely true. Yeah. According to recent research, the average bed lasts longer than the average marriage. Beds are changed every 12 and a half years. The average divorce is granted 11.4 years into the marriage, which by my reckoning means that the average bed is unused for 1.1 years.

In Scotland, in royal and aristocratic households, a contraction was made, which was a combination of an ironing board and a bed, as it was felt that the hot stones used for ironing could be used to keep the workers' feet warm when the work had stopped. Thank you very much. Oh, Graham? Hot stones and ironing, keeping people warm. No, that's not true, I'm afraid. No, that's just something Fred's made up.

I mean, I suppose ironing would keep you warm, but probably too warm. Yeah. If you're cold in the night, don't iron yourself. It's not worth it. I think it's fair to say that, David, there will be a Scottish entrepreneur listening to this going, yeah, that's a good idea. Thank you very much, Fred.

And in that round, Fred, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that a typical bed can house more than six billion dust mites, which, you know, maybe we are just dust mites in some almighty bed. And the other truth is that according to recent research, the average bed lasts longer than the average marriage, getting replaced every 12 and a half years, whereas the average divorce is granted after 11.4 years of marriage.

That's a bit... Well, is that depressing about marriage, or it's a good sign about the standard of manufacture of our beds? It's interesting. The bed is fine for 11 years of marriage, then after the divorce it just lasts one year, and then it's ruined. Anyway, so that means, Fred, that in that round you've scored two points.

The expression three-dog night originated with the Eskimos and means a night so cold that you go to bed with three dogs to keep warm. The number of dogs you take to bed is measured on the Wayne Rooney scale. OK, we now turn to Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is Sweden, a Nordic country on the Scandinavian peninsula in northern Europe, which has borders with Norway and Finland. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Graham. Sweden is best known as the original home of the root vegetable that bears the name of its capital city, Mengelwurzel. In medieval times, extracts of the turnip-like root were supposed to confirm magical strength on those who drank it.

In fact, it is said that Swedish athletes still follow this practice. Fred? I think that the powers given by drinking from the extract of the Mengelwurzel is true. I'm afraid it isn't. No, but I think that oh right so you were just sort of buzzing into a pipe yeah that's interesting do you still think that now i've told you it's not true yes all right well that's that's it's like a religion for you carry on and therefore it's doubtful that mangelwurzel Tonic was behind the success of the 2003 Swedish team

who were winners of the 7th World Underwater Rugby Championships. Gambling, on the other hand, has been illegal in Sweden since 1978, when King Carl Gustav bet the Prime Minister a million kronor he wouldn't dare ban it. Minister a million kronor he wouldn't dare ban it. Nevertheless, in defiance of the law, the town of Istad in Sweden hosts a game of cow bingo every year, in which visitors place bets on which of 81 squares in a field a cow will first drop a cow pat on. Sweden's national... Fred. Yeah, that's got to be true. The cow pat on a square in the field. That is absolutely true. Yes!

I must say, that's... I don't know why you think it has to be. I mean, it is true, but it didn't jump out at me as, oh, that's got to be true. That's obvious. Who'd do anything else with a field? As the knights draw in, what better to do than speculate on where a cow is going to shit? OK. Sweden's national drink is the spirit Aquajet. The liquor is so strong and unpleasant that Swedes celebrate by not drinking it.

In fact, less of it is sold at Christmas than any other time of the year. The word Sweden and rock and roll are inseparable. Swedish pop group ABBA almost had to change their name, as ABBA is the brand name of a large Swedish pickled herring firm. ABBA, as it turned out a large Swedish pickled herring firm ABBA as it turned out were allowed to keep their name although an injunction brought by Alpen meant they had to change the lyrics of their song from thank you for the muesli Lucy not thank you for the muesli and I think the other thing I

think they might have had to change their names it was a band of pickled herring yes Yes, they did. Yes. Well, just pickled herring would be an excellent name for a band. Do you think? I believe it permanently. It's got the associations of fish and alcoholism. Always so cool. When I'm number one with pickled herring, you ain't coming backstage.

OK. Sweden and Denmark couldn't agree on whether a bridge or a tunnel should be built as a fixed link between the two countries across the Öresund, so they compromised, and on the Swedish side, the link is a bridge, but on the Danish side, it's a tunnel. Swedish cinema. Fred. I don't know if... I'm going to try and work that one out, because I know that in the United States,

there is a bridge-tunnel hybrid motorway system, so I'm going to guess that the link between the two countries is a tunnel stroke bridge. That's absolutely right. Yes, it's a tunnel on the Danish side and a bridge on the Swedish side. And there's an artificial island in the water in between where, as it were, the bridge plunges down underground. You would need that yeah i mean it's like a sort of very dull roller coaster essentially with one event and the island in the middle is

called whoa swedish cinema is recognized as being the original home of the modern slasher movie, with films such as Ingemar Bergman's The Severed Seal. This addiction to gory violence is thought to be the reason that Sweden spends more per head on tomato ketchup than any other nation. Michael. I'm really struggling. Was that a buzz for help? Yeah. Really based on nothing, I'm going to say that it's true.

The Swedes, they just eat a lot of tomato ketchup. That is absolutely true. Get in! Get in! Thank you, Graham. Thank you, Graham. So, Graham, you managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, and that is that Sweden were winners of the 7th World Underwater Rugby Championships in 2003.

I don't know what it is about rugby played above the water that is such a handicap for Swedish players, because they don't dominate the conventional game in the way they clearly do the underwater version. And anyone who knows should write in about that to a made-up address in their heads. But that means, Graham, you've scored one point. Famously the home of IKEA, Sweden gave us the Flatpak, possibly the most sober and least hell-raising bunch of actors ever.

The Swede Anders Celsius gave us the centigrade scale and also invented the rectal thermometer. The prototype was about nine inches long and two and a half in diameter. The suspicion is that he hadn't intended to invent the rectal thermometer. The prototype was about nine inches long and two and a half in diameter. The suspicion is that he hadn't intended to invent the rectal thermometer, he just had to explain something when his wife came home unexpectedly. Right. Right, it's now the turn of Lucy Porter. Your subject, Lucy, is Leonardo da Vinci, the Italian polymath,

scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician and writer, often described as the archetype of the Renaissance man. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Lucy. Few people know that Leonardo da Vinci spent three years in the circus as a strongman. Leonardo was most proud of his ability to manipulate metal with his bare hands, bending iron bars and horseshoes. He was married to a bearded lady... Graham. I have a feeling Leonardo was very strong, and I think he did show off his circus skills.

Yes, he was not in the circus, but he was very strong, and he used to manipulate metal with his bare hands, bending iron bars and horseshoes. So that's quite right. Leonardo da Vinci didn't actually paint all of the Mona Lisa. He drafted in a student called Gianfranco D'Alessi because he couldn't do hands.

In 1999, a team of British scientists performed a 3D infrared scan on the Mona Lisa, which revealed that in the original sitting she was showing a nipple. Da Vinci's initial idea for the painting was that it could be used as a display board from which to sell peanuts. Michael?

I think that they had a look and I think that's true about the nipple. Right. I'm afraid it isn't. OK. Graham? And the thing about he didn't paint the whole of the Mona Lisa. She's only the top half. the whole of the Mona Lisa. She's only the top half.

Well, I don't know. I don't think I can, because I think you can define the Mona Lisa as the painting as well as the person depicted. The sketches in Leonardo's notebooks reveal his original blueprint for a pedal-powered tank. Fred.

Yes, it did. Yes, it did. Yes. Pedal-powered tank, pretty useless, really. Essentially, it's just like a toy pedal car that makes you claustrophobic. Come on, everybody has an off day. Leonardo, he's just like, yeah, well, OK, it's a pedal-powered tank. I'll do something better tomorrow.

Tomorrow, the helicopter, I swear. Might do the bottom half of the Mona Lisa the last supper but one which is a much grander occasion as an inventor leonardo famously came up with the barometer the first mechanical gadget for replaying music which was kind of an early version of the ipod like the itypod and an alarm yeah do groan that was exactly the right thing to I agree. Fact. An alarm clock that woke the sleeper up by gently rubbing his feet, a novelty erotic back scratcher, the sundial, the moon boot and sillet bang.

Michael. The sundial? Is that true? No. I feel there's no way back for me. The sundial is pretty basic stuff. No it isn't. Yes it is. This is the guy that's come up with helicopters and parachutes and pedal-powered tanks.

No, he's going to come up with a digital watch, isn't he? How do you think people told the time before the 16th century? They didn't know the time. They used to not know the time. They didn't know the time. People would say, know the time. They didn't know the time. People would say, what's the time? And they'd go, I don't know. Ask Leonardo. He's working on something. And he would say, wait, wait for the sun.

I have answers. No, they wouldn't. And no, he wasn't. And no, it didn't. They have sundials in parks, don't they? Yes. So what do people used to do? They would say, like, I'll meet you in the park.

What time? I don't know until we get there. Do they have sundials in Scotland? No, we used to claim that with you. Do they know, like, the time three times a year? It's like, have you got the time? I know that three months ago it was half two. The British economy is collapsing.

We need the tourism. Don't mention the fact that it rains the whole time in the pretty bit at the top. Or that they have alcohol and obesity issues there. Emphasise the gastropubs and the views.

Like fellow dyslexic Anthea Turner, Leonardo was obsessed with cleaning and enjoyed nothing more than folding his towels into the shape of swans. In later years, Leonardo became obsessed with improving the physical well-being of wild animals. He invented a wig for the bald eagle, glasses for bats and dentures for a beaver. He became convinced that beavers were more intelligent than human beings and suggested that the beaver chewed off its own testicles because it knew that humans harvested them for medicinal properties. Graham, that's somewhere in the recess of my mind. I think that's true.

The beaver chewed off its own testicle because it knew that the humans wanted them. Yes. Or rather, Leonardo suggested that. No, it was a belief that he had. Yes, that's absolutely true. The thing is, you can't know that that isn't true, though, can you? Because you can't know what a beaver's thinking. That's one of the most profound things I've ever heard.

You cannot know what a beaver is thinking. But Leonardo aspired to know. He thought he knew. He became too mighty, so he was cut down by death. Thank you, Lucy. Well, at the end of that round, Lucy, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Leonardo invented an alarm clock that woke the sleeper up by gently rubbing his feet. Sort of reasonable system, I suppose. It's more advanced than a sundial as well, isn't it? And that Leonardo da Vinci, like fellow sufferer Anthea Turner, was dyslexic,

something they have in common with Walt Disney, Tom Cruise and Thomas Edison. So who's the worst out of that list? I'm not going to say. So at the end of that round, Lucy, you've scored two points. In 1476, da Vinci was tried for homosexuality by a Catholic bishop and was declared very enjoyable. Around the edge of the original dust jacket of the da Vinci Code is a series

of numbers which, if read backwards and translated as letters, spell out the words, this is a badly written pile of old toss. OK, it's now the turn of Michael McIntyre, about whom it was recently written, if you cut him open, he would ooze thick and sticky comedy juice. Which just goes to prove the standard of NHS medical record-keeping isn't what it used to be. Your subject, Michael, is pigs, also known as hogs or swine, which are domesticated ungulates

used as a source of food and leather since ancient times. Off you go, Michael. Pigs, like humans, um... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Indeed they do. That's out of context. You have to wait for me to finish. You're wrong to do what you've done. Oh, this is... It's written as a nonsense. Right, I'm just going to... I'm going to word it myself.

Pigs! Pigs! Depending on... I'm just giving you advance warning. I'm going to start to chew my own testicles off. Pigs, depending on where they live, have different accents and dialects, like humans.

The human ear can only hear the standard oink, but the recently developed pig-to-phone uses state-of-the-art sonic analysis to reveal that pigs in the West Country go oink, I suppose. In Wales go oinkinet. And in Ireland, oinky-woinky. Only English pigs go oink. Estonian pigs go rr-r-r. Japanese go boo-boo. Korean, cuckoo, cuckoo. Ukrainian go ha-choo. Australian go good on ya, good on ya. Under the right conditions, a pig's intelligence level can rocket. For example, when three pigs are placed in a forest

under threat from a wolf, they will turn from fat, dirty swine to keen house builders. Fred? I think under the right circumstances, pig's intelligence can rocket. Or certainly increase. Increase isn't rocket.

So, I don't... Well, that's certainly not a truth we gave. I don't think that's really true. Sorry. Unbeknownst to most, the government has been using pigs in this way for hundreds of years. In fact, Milton Keynes is Latin... is Latin for... for pigs built this. But with the wolf now replaced by a far more dangerous US subprime mortgage market, pigs are moving with the times and focusing their considerable hidden talents on the computer gaming industry.

Researchers in the US taught pigs how to play computer games, and such was their aptitude that the pigs started creating their own games. Fred. I was loathe to come in, given that they may not increase their intelligence under given circumstances, but I think they have probably played computer games in America. Yes, they have. Quite right. Ah!

in America. Yes, they have. Quite right. Interestingly, the Cribati islanders in the Pacific have no word for pig in their language. Whereas for the nearby Marquesas islanders, the only word they have for any domestic animal

is the word for pig. Goats are called pigs with teeth on their heads. Dogs are called hairy pigs. cats are called little fluffy pigs The Marquesas Islanders version of the Muppets starred Miss Piggy and Kermit the Green Pig What was the first bit what was the first bit? What was the first... The first bit was pigs. What was the other... Like humans. Who's got the no word for pig?

The Kiribati Islanders. The Kiribati Islanders have no word for pigs. Yeah, I'm going with that. And the Marquesas Islanders, their only word for any domestic animal is the word pig. What do you think is true? Can I not have all of that? All? You think all of that? No, no, no, I love the first bit. I love the first bit. They don't have a word for any domestic animal is the word pig. What do you think is true? Can I not have all of that? All? You think all of that?

No, no, no, I love the first bit. I love the first bit. They don't have a word for pig. I'm afraid the second bit is true. So I couldn't have allowed that buzz. I know, we'd have been ungenerous, wouldn't we? Yeah, but the Marquesas Islanders genuinely only have their only word for a domestic animal is pig,

and goats are called pigs with teeth on their heads. Pigs have many other little-known abilities. They have perfect gaydar. That is the ability to identify homosexuals. Shown photos of men, they will oink once if the man is heterosexual, twice for gay, and three times for bisexual. The pigs had a 100% record until shown a picture of David Walliams and oinked four times. We also have pigs to thank for the opening of wine bottles. A pig's penis is shaped exactly like a corkscrew.

Fred, that's a fact. Yes, it is. I'm not proud that I know it. No hesitation there, McCauley. But I'll tell you this, when you've got an old bottle of wine and no corkscrew and a farm next door... So what do you do? Dress the wine up as a sexy pig? Let's just say the pig oinks twice. Right. More wine was being bottled and corked in the 18th century than at any time since. However, nobody knew

how to open it. However, Francois Revere, a French farmer and pervert, who had dinner party guests arriving that night, was contemplating how to open the wine whilst enjoying his hogs when the idea struck him. He soon patented the idea and the corkscrew was invented. In celebration, he shared all his wine with his swine, not knowing that pigs can become alcoholics. Lucy. Pigs can become alcoholics. Yes, they can. Thank you, Michael.

So, Michael, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that only in England is it said that pigs go oink, the Estonian pigs go re-ree, Japanese go, I'm not doing the noises in us with as much commitment as you did I think I'm speaking for everybody when I say I'd like to hear Michael doing them again okay only English pigs go sorry he's mrs. Q will you please do pig noises whenever I point at you? Yes. OK? That's... Only English pigs go... They go oink.

Yes, OK. You don't have to add words, just the pig noises. Estonian pigs go... Oh, good. Japanese pigs go... Korean pigs go... Ukrainian pigs go... Ukrainian pigs go... And the other truth, as I said at the time,

was that the only word for domestic animal in the language of the Marquesas Islanders in the Pacific is the word for pig. So that means you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. pig. So that means you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with no points, it's Michael McIntyre.

And in joint first place, with four points each, it's Fred McCauley, Graham Garden and Lucy Porter. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests.

They were unbelievably good. I was David Mitchell and still am, and that is unbelievably the truth. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden. Featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Graham Garden, Lucy Porter, Fred McCauley and Michael McIntyre. The chairman's script was written by Ian Pattinson and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.