The Unbelievable Truth - 02x06 Fleas, Napoleon Bonaparte, Left-Handedness, Marriage

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

2x06 9 June 2008[21] Lee Mack, Tim Vine, Ed Byrne, Adam Buxton Fleas, Napoleon Bonaparte, Left-Handedness, Marriage

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. This is the game all about spotting unlikely true facts mixed up with the more or less believable but made-up stuff. Here's an example. In April 2008, the residents of the Lancashire village of Lunt finally became so fed up with vandals constantly amending their road sign

that they decided to change the name of the village. Following a lengthy debate, it's now called Locksucker. Now, it doesn't take a genius to see which bit of that was made up. That's right, Lunt is actually in Merseyside, not Lancashire. It does, however, require some genius to play the real game. We have four comedians, and each is considered a comedy genius in his own field. Let's see how well they do indoors. They are Adam Buxton, Lee Mack, Ed Byrne, and Tim Vine. I'll be asking each of the panel in turn to present a short and highly inaccurate lecture. However, each will try to smuggle in a number of true facts,

which the others should try to spot. Points are scored for unseen truths, while opponents win points for those they do identify correctly. Let's kick off with Lee Mack. Lee's sitcom Not Going Out recently won the Golden Rose at the International TV Festival, narrowly beating Peep Show. So congratulations to Lee for winning that, despite the near criminal level of incompetence of the judging panel.

Lee, your subject is fleas, those small wingless insects which, as external parasites, live off the blood of mammals and birds. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Lee. Fleas are often found in unusual places. For example, there is one type that will only urinate in folk singers' beards. And one that will only live and breed in German beer mats. Tim, I'm going for the fleas that only live in German beer mats. You'd be absolutely right. The flea is a very advanced creature who can jump so high it is the exact equivalent to a human being jumping over the planet Neptune. Another amazing fact about the flea is that Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world where fleas do not exist.

This is due to the fact that cats and dogs are illegal in Saudi Arabia, as is alcohol and fleas. Tim. It's true that alcohol is illegal in Saudi Arabia. I think Lee has unwisely put a true thing in when he didn't need to. It was so blatantly true that... I'm going to give you a point, Tim. Thank you.

I may enrage everyone else. Thank you. But I'm not going to lose a point, am I? No, you don't lose a point, no. Oh, I don't care then. Fleas were the first creature to be trained as a form of entertainment. Queen Christina of Sweden, 1626-1689 used to while away the hours by firing cannonballs at them from a miniature cannon

whilst the ancient Egyptians took the flea circus one step further and used to watch things such as flea arm wrestling flea aerobatic display teams and the ever popular flea porn where the spectators would pay a gold sovereign to look through a magnifying glass and, for a little extra, were allowed to join in with a pair of tweezers.

Fleas are the only insect in the English language that rhyme with cheese. Coincidentally, fleas are the only insect that are used to make cheese. In Uzbekistan, the milk of... Ed, fleas are the only insect used to make cheese. I don't think fleas insect used to make cheese I Don't think fleas are used to make cheese

So I think for a time they did but the quantity that was making was so tiny My grandson will say to me what have you achieved in your life and I say very little son But I did once convince a man they made cheese out of flea milk. Excuse me. I didn't think they used flea milk to make cheese. But I thought it might have been. If I may. Oh, I see. And I swear this is true.

I thought that maybe there was a bacteria that only fleas had that had to be used to kickstart the process that turned the milk into cheese. A kind of flea armpit rennet. Exactly. So if there are any cheese manufacturers listening, I think try and get yourself some fleas

and see if you can't scrape something off them that might make a delicious brie. It would be so easy to advertise as well. Oh, absolutely. People love the idea of fleas being involved in everything they eat. Carry on. In Uzbekistan, the milk of the flea is used to make a type of cheese similar to cottage cheese.

It's quite clacky. Uzbekistan is not the only country where fleas are considered a delicacy. In China, for example, they are as expensive per gram as caviar, although they are often on special offer. Buy one, get one flea. Come on! Be honest! In Hawaii, the phrase little jumping flea directly translates as ukulele, whilst in... Ed, that is true. Yes, it is. Fleas have killed more people in history than all wars combined. This death toll is due to a combination of their terrible record when it comes to drinking and driving.

No, it is true. Fleas have killed more people than all wars combined because of the diseases that they've given people. Plague and the like. Yep, that's absolutely true the biggest flea ever recorded was one that was found in indonesia in 1946 which was bigger than a guinea pig however the guinea pig in question was the world's smallest ever recorded which was about the size of a slightly large flea. The cat flea and the dog flea are a completely different species. The main... Jim. Yes, I believe they are. Yes, they are.

Yes, they are. The main difference being that the dog flea, if trained properly, will lie on its back and play dead. Thank you, Lee. So, Lee, at the end of that round, you smuggled one truth past the rest of the panel, and that is that Queen Christina of Sweden used to while away hours by firing cannonballs at them from a miniature cannon. I imagine that would while away hours. So that means you've scored one point. It is true, ukulele is the Hawaiian word for dancing flea, whereas

accordion is the English word for please God no. In 1996, a gang of blackmailers was jailed after demanding £5 million from Harrods They threatened to release a plague of fleas in the designer clothes department But Harrods' owner refused to pay up He wasn't about to be taken in by some ludicrous criminal conspiracy OK, we turn now to Tim Vine Tim is a comedian and actor who also stars in the TV sitcom Not Going Out, which recently won a Golden Rose in the Blah Blah TV Festival, narrowly blah blah beating peep show.

Still, awards like that aren't important, whereas awards like a BAFTA are, as we at Peep Show discovered this last month. Your subject, Tim, is Napoleon Bonaparte, the French military and political leader who eventually became ruler of France as Premier Consul of the French Republic. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else.

Off you go, Tim. Napoleon Bonaparte. To his friends, he was known as Nappy for short. Napoleon-olian for long. Born in Italy, his father was a duck. Napoleon invented... Ed, Napoleon was born in Italy, his father was a duck. Napoleon invented... Ed, Napoleon was born in Italy. He snuck that by us with a little duck fathery carry-on.

No, I think he was born in Corsica, which is part of France. This bloke said to me, he said, can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica? I said, Corsican. Anyway, I'll carry on. Napoleon invented stilts. Because he was a very short man, he would often relax on the weekend by pretending he was tall. Hence the stilts.

Sometimes he would attach cheese to them, which is how Stilton got its name. It's also the origin of the phrase stilted conversation, because nothing kills off a conversation quicker than having cheese on your stilts. Occasionally, this would attract mice, which Napoleon was scared of. The mice... I think Napoleon was scared of mice. No, he wasn't. The mice

would attract cats, which Napoleon was scared of. Lee. Stick it back on my list. I would say that I meant cats. It's very big mice, I call them. Yes, he was scared of cats. Yes, that's what I meant.

Apparently, it's called ileurophobia, a persistent irrational fear of cats. Other sufferers may have included... I don't know what that cats. Other sufferers may have included... I don't know what that means, other sufferers may have included... Anyone else on Earth. Other sufferers may have included Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Mussolini and Hitler. I've got a cat called Minton.

When he eats shuttlecocks, I say badminton. The cats... The cats would attract dogs, which Napoleon was scared of. Yeah, I'll go for the hat-trick on that one. Do you know what a hat-trick is? Yes. Oh, yes. A hat-trick of guesses.

No, he's not afraid of dogs, and he's not afraid of mice, he's afraid of cats. See, you even employed the rule of three, slip the true one in the middle. He's done the very same thing there, but you managed to fall for all three. Yeah, but sometimes those rules of three are that all three are true, and I've got a terrible memory and actually genuinely couldn't remember what the mice result was. I think it would have been odd if Tim had put three of the truths in one sentence, and indeed that if three of the truths about Napoleon, quite an interesting man, were

three different animals he was afraid of. But, you know, you do your own reasoning. Napoleon was a terrible singer, although no one was brave enough to tell him. He would often sing to his troops with a falsetto vibrato on the eve of battles. Waterloo! You see, Napoleon never really grew up. At the back of his house, he constructed a playground.

He could often be seen on his yellow swing in the morning, singing in that familiar voice. He also used the climbing frame to dry his pants. And he would draw up his battle plans in the sandpit. Adam, I think he might have drawn up his battle plans in that sandpit. He did. Thank you. That's what I would do.

Josephine was an entirely fictional character who was never Napoleon's girlfriend or his wife. Napoleon was really in love with Mona Lisa, who taught him to sing. Mona Lisa Stansfield. She was, of course, famous for being the Mona Lisa of the Da Vinci painting. Napoleon loved her so much he had several pictures of her.

He kept one on his downstairs toilet, one on his bedroom, and one down the front of his trousers. We've all heard the phrase, an army marches on its stomach. Yes, we have I was only really saying it to do a joke Which I'm coming up to in a moment I know exactly why you were only saying it

We're all thoroughly looking forward to that joke And I'm sure the good humour of the occasion Will be restored when we get to it But nevertheless I've been thinking And I do feel guilty about the alcohol point that was scored earlier. I'm going to give you a point. We've all heard the phrase,

an army marches on its stomach. That's certainly true of an army of snakes. Now, come on, he lost a point for that one. Food, shall I continue with this? Yes, do. But food would frequently go off, so Napoleon invented Tupperware. And he had a competition for other ways to preserve food.

This competition resulted in the invention of canned food and the first ever mobile fridge. Lee. I would say that there's a possibility that, due to a competition, the mobile fridge was Lee. I would say that there's a possibility that due to a competition, the mobile fridge was invented by Napoleon. I was going to say the same thing about tinned food. I was going to say, give me a moment.

Well, the mobile fridge is not true. It was not invented under Napoleon. But tinned food was. In 1795, Napoleon offered a prize for a practical way of preserving food. The prize was won by a French

inventor, Nicolas Appert. What he devised was canning. It was the beginning of the canned food industry of today. It's not a joke, but it is true. In 1796, he banned his soldiers from drinking milk because he felt it slowed them down, and they were only allowed to wear high heels if the day of the week began with a pee I think maybe he did think that milk slowed the soldiers down. Oh, I was gonna go for the high heels

That too Neither a true, I'm afraid I mean I think milk would slow soldiers down Makes you sleepy and sluggish if you... It's odd isn isn't it? Because it does, but coffee picks you up. So when you have a latte, it cancels each other out, doesn't it? Full of milk, makes you tired, but the caffeine kicks in. I don't know where I am when I'm having a latte nowadays.

Probably in a coffee shop. That's right. Certainly the latter. I'm not sure about the milk. I mean, this is insightful stuff. Have you thought about becoming an advisor to the military? Sort of saying, you know, because, you know, coffee, it sort of perks you up, whereas milk makes you a bit sluggish.

So if you're going into battle, maybe a bit of both and maybe a sandwich. But, you know, nothing too bready. Cool guns. Guns bring guns. Napoleon had a Vauxhall Corsa. And because he was the first person in the world to have a motor car, he had to make the decision which side of the road to drive it. He came up with driving on the right if you were in Europe. He also suffered

from total blindness. Ed. Did he come up with driving on the right in Europe? Yep, he did. Come on. That was very cunningly sneaked in there. Basically, before Napoleon, everyone drove on the left. So, you know, we're perfectly sensible.

We're not the weird ones. Because the Romans, who are best at everything, as has been agreed by historians, thought we should all drive on the left. And we're the only people who really respect the Romans. That's what that means. He also suffered from total blindness in his left eye. His mother was called Loretta,

and one of his fingernails was sold at auction in 1996. He also suffered from total blindness in his left eye. His mother was called Loretta, and one of his fingernails was sold at auction in 1996. Lee. Now, we all know one of these are true. And my past record has proved that I'm not the man to take the helm of these positions. But I feel confident about this one. I know you're looking at me, you're thinking, go for Loretta. Well, you're wrong.

I'm going for the fingernail. That is not true. None of those three things are true, unfortunately. However, what I will say, though, is that Napoleon's penis was sold at auction. It was reportedly severed at his autopsy and purloined. And in 1969, it was sold to an American urologist. At the auction, was it listed as Napoleon's Bonaparte?

His last words were, Cyril, how am I supposed to knit while you're doing that? Thank you, Tim. So, Tim, at the end of that round, you smuggled one truth past everyone else, and that is that Napoleon loved Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting, The Mona Lisa, so much that on coming to power, he took it from the Louvre and hung it in his bedroom. So that means at the end of that round, you've scored one point. Right, it's now the turn of Ed Byrne.

Your subject, Ed, is left-handedness, or the preferred use of the left hand over the right for most manual tasks. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Ed. Being left-handed in Britain has gone through some 18 stages of classification. Up until the late 1500s, left-handed people were burnt alive as abominations. In 1740, the law outlawing backward-handedness, as it was known, was repe repealed and being left-handed became officially legal but was then classed as a disease of the mind right up until 1952 when it was finally officially downgraded to just a bit weird Admiral Nelson was one of many famous left-handers to Nelson was a left-hander a famous one no famous for using his left hand everywhere. Let Ed finish. Admiral Nelson was one of many famous

left-handers to use their ingenuity to overcome the problems associated with the condition. Nelson secretly had his right arm removed surgically so as to allow him to use his left without fear of stigma. He did technically become left-handed but only because he only had his left hand. He was in fact

right-handed when he had a right hand. So I think you can really call him a committed left-handed because he only had his left hand. He was, in fact, right-handed when he had a right hand. So I think you can really call him a committed left-hander. I mean, he was a guy that felt, I've got a hand, I'm going to use it. I'm not going to bloody-mindedly remain right-handed when I don't have a right hand at all. Carry on. Okey-dokey. Leonardo da Vinci famously used to write backwards with his left hand to avoid smudging the ink from his quill.

His notes would then have to be held up to a mirror in order to read them. Pope John Paul II used to tie a piece of elastic with an inverted cross attached around his left wrist to remind himself not to favour the hand due to the ungodly nature of left-handedness. Indeed, according to official records, there has never been a left-handed pope. Lee? Yeah, I'd say that there has never been a left handed Pope. Never, ever, ever, ever. There has never been a left handed Pope. That's correct. Of all the misconceptions about left handedness, the most commonly held one is in regard to the boxing term Southpaw. The term Southpaw isn't derived from the Cardinal Compass Point, but actually from the name Hubert South. Hubert Southpaw South was the first left-handed boxer to hold a recognised

title in the US. Ironically, by beating the only other left-handed boxer in the tournament, Johnny Backwards Hands Lefty McLeftington III. Left-handed surgeons are more prone to accidentally sticking needles into themselves than their right-handed counterparts, and also have considerable difficulty handling some instruments. Although only medical instruments, they're widely regarded as being better with musical instruments and instruments of torture than right-handed doctors.

And there are two facts about left-handedness which together explain the origin of a well-known phrase. Some 2,000 left-handed people die every year from improper use of equipment designed for right-handed people. Tim. That is definitely true. Yes, it is. Also, the right testicle of left-handed men hangs lower than the left. Hence, when somebody

makes a ludicrous mistake, we say, you made a right bollocks of that. Thank you, Ed. Ed, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. And they are that Leonardo da Vinci used to write backwards with his left hand, so his notes would then have to be held up to a mirror in order to read them. It is believed that this mirror writing was supposed to be a code

to disguise things from the Catholic Church. But basically, you'd have to pre-underestimate the Catholic Church's code-breaking. I mean, it's hardly an Alan Turing job, is it? And the second truth is that left-handed surgeons are more prone to accidentally sticking needles into themselves than their right-handed counterparts. And the third truth is that the right testicle of left-handed men hangs lower than the left. So that means you've scored three points. OK, it's now the turn of Adam Buxton.

Your subject, Adam, is marriage, a social institution in which interpersonal relationships are sanctioned with governmental, social or religious recognition. Off you go, Adam. Research into marriage research has revealed that most researchers are married men who want to bring bachelors down for having more fun than them. Amongst other things, these researchers have claimed that a bachelor's lifespan is ten years shorter on average than a married man. Ed? I think that's true. That's not true.

It's five years shorter, is it? I don't think it's necessarily any shorter or longer. It's just random. I'd just like to think it's true. I'm getting married next month. No, that would be a cheap way to get a round of applause, but I am getting married Bachelors are three times more likely to go mad than married men Tim that's definitely true because I think mental illness hits people more often when they're on their own.

I live on my own. That is absolutely true. Bachelors are three times more likely to go to the bathroom. And bachelors become gradually less attractive

as they grow older because the loneliness twists their features into a grotesque mask of self-hate. Fear of marriage is so common that it actually has a name to describe it. Gamophobia, which literally translates as a fear of all the silly games so often played by married people.

Ed? I believe that marriage, fear of marriage has a name. It does have a name, and in fact the name is gamophobia. Or gamophobia, I don't know how you pronounce it. In the early part of 1995, marriage rates in the UK leapt by 35% following the success of four weddings in a funeral the previous year. However, they took a downturn towards the end of 1995 after Hugh Grant was caught with

transvestite funeral director Divine Sendoff. I'm going to go for the marriage rate going up after the success of Four Weddings and a Funeral, because I'm really naive like that. Well, considering the sales of pork went down after Babe, you know. Did they? Yes, they did. Mad cow disease had virtually Well, considering the sales of pork went down after babe, you know. Did they?

Yes, they did. Mad cow disease had virtually no effect on the sales of beef. But you stick a pig in a movie and no one wants to eat bacon anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if marriage rates didn't go up, but not by 35%. Yes, that would be a lot, wouldn't it? That would be a lot.

Wedding rings are worn on the fourth finger of the left hand because the Romans believed a nerve led directly from there to the heart. Tim. Yes, that's true. Yes, it is. If you're desperate to marry your first cousin, then your best bet is to head to Utah in the United States,

where first cousin marriages... Utah, the United States where first cousin marriages... Utah, yes, they allow first cousin marriages. Yes. Well, with a proviso, though, they don't allow them just for any random person. You have to be over 65. But they still allow them. Nevertheless, they do allow it, so well done, yeah. Why?

That would be because you can't... Yeah, exactly....breed. After 60, well, it's not impossible. Well, then why can't... Yeah, exactly. ...breed. After 60, well, it's not impossible. Well, then why can't you marry your sister after 65 for the same reason? It's just too creepy. That's actually the legal definition. Too creepy even for Utah.

Last year, in various parts of the world, there were 74 Klingon marriages, with Star Trek fans being joined in wedlock by a vicar. That's a little Klingon joke for the Star Trek fans there. In 16th century England, it was acceptable for almost anyone or anything to get

married. Yes, including Klingons. No. Oh, come on, David, cut me some slack. I'm a guest. It's got to count for something. Yes, you know, you've had water. No, it just was not acceptable for almost anyone or anything

to get married in 16th century England. Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening to anything. That's just, what, an ashtray and some soil. Oh, yes, I hope you'llray and some soil. Oh, yes. I hope you'll be very happy together. Oh, you're so racist. You don't like the mixed marriages, do you? There are two recorded cases of men being allowed to marry livestock. It was acceptable...

Come on! This one is true. In 16th century England, there are not two recorded cases of men being allowed to marry livestock. Why? I mean, when being allowed to marry livestock. Why? I mean, when being allowed to marry, you're saying two cases. Okay, and this exception is a lovely goat. Yes, you can marry it.

But just, it's just you, there was you with this goat, and then there was someone married a Shetland pony several years ago. I thought maybe, I thought they allowed it, I don't know, I thought it could be true. I mean, it's not beyond the realms that it could be true. You could marry a goat officially, legally or illegally. Maybe in Utah, but only if you happen to be related to it already. Getting a goat that can get to 65 is the problem with that one. It was acceptable for children as young as 10 to tie the knot. Right, I'm going for this one. That one is definitely true.

Yes, that is true. Come on! David, I must leave you now. My work here is done. I love your technique of just buzzing everything. It's not like you lose points if you get it wrong. You are. You do lose points if you get it wrong.

Oh, right. Can I take back all my books? And in 1723, a man from Southampton married a fishing boat, although that ended when he was caught hopping aboard a lovely frigate. Thank you, Adam. And at the end of that round, Adam, I'm afraid you smuggled no truths. Not a smuggled one. Past everyone else.

But that means you've scored no points. Oh, well. Oh, sorry, it was the wrong turn of phrase for no points. That means you've scored no points. It was the Romans who decreed that the wedding ring should be placed on the fourth finger of the left hand, except in parts of Norfolk where it's

the sixth finger on the right foot. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Adam Buxton. In third place, with no points, it's Lee Mack. And in joint first place, with five points apiece, are this week's winners, Ed Byrne and Tim Vine. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They really were unbelievably good.

I was truly David Mitchell, and that was The Unbelievable Truth. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Darden truth. Goodbye.