The Unbelievable Truth - 03x01 Bicycles, Albert Einstein, Money, Penguins

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

03x01 23 March 2009 Graeme Garden, Chris Addison, Clive Anderson, Lucy Porter Bicycles, Albert Einstein, Money, Penguins

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game with more liars than an episode of University Challenge. It's the show that's all about questions of true and false. For example, does Shane McGowan have terrible teeth? True. What kind of teeth should he get? False. You get the idea. Here to distort the facts even more than a DAB radio are our four panellists, Chris Addison, Clive Anderson, Lucy Porter and Graham Garden.

The game is a neat blend of pure simplicity and unnecessary complication. Each of the panel will present a short lecture on a given subject that should be entirely made up, save for five pieces of true information, which the panellists should attempt to smuggle past his opponents. Points are scored by truths which go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a truth for a lie. We'll start with Graham Garden. Graham, of course, was one of the goodies

who enjoyed a brief pop career in the 70s. Interestingly, it was after Graham appeared on Top of the Pops singing the funky gibbon that the idea of getting artists to mime on the show really took off. Graham, your subject is the bicycle, defined by my dictionary as a vehicle composed of two wheels held in a frame, one behind the other, propelled by pedals and steered with handlebars attached to the front wheel. Off you go, Graham. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The bicycle was first developed by the Spanish Inquisition, and it was much in use as an instrument of torture, until the invention of the bicycle saddle. The longest bicycle in the world comfortably seats six riders and another 34 uncomfortably.

Lucy? I think the longest bicycle in the world is a six-seater. Well, you've buzzed for a truth, but in fact the longest bicycle in the world seats six riders and 34 riders, seats 40 riders. Was this for the Italian version of the goodies? Eat with the bennies. In 1888, Scotland Yard detectives believed that Jack the Ripper was only able to make his

swift and silent getaways by means of a bicycle that must be true because they believed everything about Jack they thought it was disraeli they thought it was a member of the royal family they thought he was he was known to the people he didn know the people. They think his name was made up. They must have at some point believed that he was getting away on a bicycle. At some point, they probably thought he was a bicycle. I don't think it would have suited their view of a serial killer, someone cycling off afterwards.

It's too vicar-like. Ringing his bell. I am prepared to argue this point until the cows come home. There must have been a detective or more than one detective who thought that Jack the Ripper got away on a bus. Well, he never shared it with anyone else. He thought it would present too much of a positive image

of the jolly serial killer merrily cycling away from his latest sliced-up problem. I used to be a criminal barrister myself, and I seem to remember, it was a while ago now, there was a lot of talk of this amongst some of the older officers we never got that jack the river but i think it's because he got away on his bicycle i i now remember somebody saying and another one agreeing yes we thought that was well in p division yes no i i can trust me i'm a lawyer then they'd have called him jack the cyclist wouldn't they uh no i i don't care if you pretend you remember it.

It's not true. And indeed, as a technique, it's threatening to this game if you're going to keep saying, no, I remember it, actually. That is true. I remember someone who knew about it saying, I happen to be there in my capacity as a lawyer. For this, or for a very similar reason, a law was brought in that year and remained in force until 1930 that every cyclist in Britain had to ring the bell on his bicycle non-stop

while the machine was in motion. Lucy. Was there a law that you had to ring your bell constantly? Don't be silly. You're thinking of ice cream vans. OK. Is that a safety thing with ice cream vans? It's to warn people off obesity.

We play the warning jingle. The stupid fat people still queue up. But, Lucy, you're absolutely right. There was a law that until 1930, until 1930, every cyclist was supposed to ring his bicycle bell constantly while cycling. It rings a bell now you mention it. Oh come on!

People don't like properly constructed jokes anymore. They do actually. Carrying lights on a bicycle after dark only became compulsory during World War II when the government hoped to lure enemy bombers away from the blacked-out cities to target rural cyclists. Count Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace,

was asked what he wanted for his sixth... Yes, Count Leo Tolstoy was the author of war and peace i i don't think that graham was asserting that in his lecture well he accidentally stumbled upon a truth then didn't i think i think he was just contextualizing leo tolstoy and actually in the way he pronounced it yes he sort of got away with it anyway, because he's an author of war, and as if he'd written two books, one called War and one called Peace,

which he didn't. If it was sort of a book in a sequel, it's the wrong way round. He starts with the interesting one. I finished War, it was great. I don't want to read Peace. What's going to happen? Nothing. Clearing up.

Anyway, I'm afraid I can't give you a point for saying that because i don't think graham was saying that leo tolstoy was the author of all well apart from using those words no that's too when leo tolstoy was asked what he wanted for his 67th birthday unfortunately his reply got mixed up with his grandson's Christmas list for St. Nicholas. And as a result, his grandson received the freedom of the city of St. Petersburg, while Tolstoy was given a bicycle. Queen Victoria was an ardent cyclist, whizzing around Windsor Great Park at every opportunity, always followed by her faithful ghillie, John Brown, on his pogo stick. And it wasn't until she took a tumble in 1877 that it was discovered that she had two athletic page boys

peddling away under her voluminous crinoline. In Canada, the Conservatives are known as the Bears, and the New Democrats are known as the Rhinoceros Party. And at one time, the Rhinoceros Party proposed to bulldoze... Chris. Deviation. I'm not sure I've got this game exactly right, but surely. That's just playing a different game.

OK, I can only apologise. At one time the Rhinoceros Party proposed to bulldoze the Rocky Mountains and use the rock to build downhill cycle paths from coast to coast. Now, because of its unusual knees, the camel is the only animal that is not theoretically able to ride a bike. Clive. No, I wish I hadn't buzzed. I was buzzing to say that's absolute rubbish

because there must be species of fish that can't ride a bike. If you are buzzing for lies, you've missed a few. I know. That's the end of Graham's lecture. Thank you, Graham. Thank you. Thank you. And in that round, Graham,

you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that Count Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace, was given a bicycle for his 67th birthday by the Moscow Society of Velocipede Lovers. Unfortunately, people who like velocipedes are called velocipedophiles. There have been some tragic mistakes that have been made by baying mobs. And the other truth is that in Canada, at one time, the Rhinoceros Party proposed to bulldoze the Rocky Mountains and use the rock to build downhill cycle paths from coast to coast.

No. I think we probably should say that the Rhinoceros Party is by way of being a sort of joke party in Canada, a bit like the Monster Raving Loony Party and other hilarious political organisations. Because among their other policies was painting Canada's coastal limits so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times, providing more higher education by building taller schools,

and repealing the law of gravity. So, you know, that's... And it's appropriate in a panel show like this, but obviously in a political forum it's just wasting everyone's time. But... OK, we turn now to Chris Addison. Your subject, Chris, is Albert Einstein, a German-born theoretical physicist best known for his theory of relativity, expressed by the equation E equals MC squared.

Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Chris. Albert Keith Einstein was born to Dave and Shazza Einstein in 1874 in the town of Larch-Hattron-Collider in what is now known as the former West Germany but was then known as the future West Germany. He was an unpromising youth and physically rather weak. The right side of his body grew at a slightly slower rate than the left, giving the impression that he was standing at an angle until late adolescence. Graham?

Yeah, I think that's true. I think he was slightly skewed as a child. No, he wasn't. Well, you say that. I mean... Unless Clive can remember some... Some policeman round the Old Bailey saying, I remember that Einstein came in here and he was all skewed.

I'm afraid I don't think that's true. Oh. He also suffered from a lazy tongue, which would stick out at inappropriate moments, such as when he was having his photograph taken. And until the age of nine, he couldn't even speak properly, except when uttering the words, which are supposed to be pronounced like that.

Lucy? I think he couldn't speak properly until he was nine. Yes, you're right. That is correct. You're absolutely right. He was a late developer in terms of speech, and the modern term for people whose speech development is delayed is Einstein's syndrome, which is sort of quite kind,

really, because it's sort of saying, might be a little Einstein. Can't speak yet, might be an Einstein. Probably won't. Chris Moyle's still suffering to this day. Yes. Chris Moyle's still suffering to this day. It's Radio 4 audience, well done. They never heard him, but they know they're not supposed to like him.

Following his success with the whole E equals McTwo thing... I don't really know about physics. Einstein found himself a room... Great. Yeah, he doesn't really know about physics. Einstein found himself a... Yes. Yeah, he doesn't really know about physics. That was contextualising. That was in context. On your bike. Einstein found himself a reluctant dweller in the world of academia.

He would do anything to avoid work, often delegating it inappropriately. His housekeeper regularly did his marking for him. On at least one occasion, his driver delivered a lecture on his behalf. And when pressed to do some actual proper work, Einstein would often run seminars from his bed. This would occasionally end in disaster if one of his students leant on the lever which tipped the bed forward, sliding him through a trapdoor into a pair of trousers and down onto a kitchen chair below, a system which had been rigged up by his dog Gromit.

Einstein preferred tinkering away at his inventions in his workshop, patenting amongst other things a heated towel rail, a refrigerator, a deluxe gardening set, a cuddly toy and two weeks bed and board in Magaluf. Clive. One of those must be true.

I'm going for the refrigerator. I he's a patterned up refrigerator you're absolutely right oh well done einstein also invented the toblerone however he was happy to be famous and wherever he went in the world einstein insisted on living no more than 50 yards from an electricity substation as the static made it easy to maintain his trademark crazy hair. Einstein was married four times, though he was careful to sign a prenuptial agreement on the last three occasions after the divorce settlement with his first wife entitled her to half of any royalties he might accrue, including his Toblerone income, any Nobel Prize money he might get,

and all the Chris Christopherson albums. Einstein was always wary of being portrayed as a freak, and in his will stipulated that he did not want his brain to be placed on display in a jar following his death. His wish was granted. Einstein's brain spent several years in a Tupperware box. Clive. I think he must have said something about not wanting his brain

to be put on display. No, that's not true. No, OK. Graham, you've buzzed. I think his brain was kept in a Tupperware box, though. Yes, that is absolutely true. Well, of all the things that should be true. Yes, his brain was...

That was a Tupperware party that got way out of hand. His brain was in fact stolen as his autopsy by someone, and then that person then kept it in a Tupperware box for many years. And thank you very much, Chris. And Chris, you managed also to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that on at least one occasion, Einstein's driver delivered a lecture on his behalf.

And the other truth is that in his divorce settlement with his first wife, there was a clause about entitling her to half the Nobel Prize money he might get. All of it, I think. All of it. Yes, you're quite right. He got the little token. But when it came to it, when he did win the Nobel Prize, he didn get. All of it, I think. All of it. Yes, you're quite right. He got the little token.

But when it came to it, when he did win the Nobel Prize, he didn't give her the money. And she always felt betrayed. And, well, she might. It's a common complaint, isn't it, that women have, that their men often don't give them the Nobel Prize money they've been promised. I wouldn't be sitting here today, Chris.

Twice that's happened to you, hasn't it? Medicine and world peace, I think, weren't they? Einstein did indeed leave his brain to science. For years it was kept in a large, sealed Tupperware box. Scientists studying it were amazed by the brain's uncanny ability to stop all their papers blowing about the lab when the door opened. Right, it's now the turn of Clive Anderson. Clive is currently host of the Radio 2 show Clive Anderson's Chat Room,

which he presents while pretending to be an 18-year-old Swedish nymphomaniac. Your subject, Clive, is money, generally taken to refer to coins or banknotes used as payment for goods and services or the repayment of debts. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Clive. Money, of course, gets its name from the money spider, the species of gold-coloured arachnid the Druids used as legal tender to facilitate the international trade routes of ancient times, or the World Wide Web, as they called it.

Everything from pencils to pomegranates have been used as currency at some time somewhere in the world. Lucy? Both pencils and pomegranates have been used as currency. No, they haven't. I thought if I said it with enough authority. What was a pomegranate worth? How many pencils? Do you think it was the same society?

Yeah. I reckon if you get change in pencils, a pomegranate would probably be the major unit of currency and the subunits would be made of stationery. Yeah. I'd say it would be a strange society where they're still using pomegranates as currency but they can manufacture pencils. Carry on.

For example, instead of real money, the Aztecs used cocoa beans or gold blend if they had an instant access account. Graham. I just wanted to spoil his punchline. He did that rather well, I suppose. Yeah, the Aztecs used cocoa beans. Well-known fact.

They did, absolutely. Although I wouldn't used cocoa beans. Well-known fact. They did, absolutely. Although I wouldn't say it was a well-known fact. A hundred cocoa beans could buy you a slave, four cocoa beans a rabbit, and ten cocoa beans the services of a prostitute. In Siberia in the 19th century, solid blocks of tea were used in place of... Chris.

That's true. Yes, that is true. Well done. While in the French-speaking part of Canada, playing cards were pressed into service in place of banknotes for the best part of 100 years. Potatoes, of course, were used as currency on the island of Tristan da Cunha until the Second World War, hence the term cashing your chips. As were...

Lucy. What the hell? I liked pomegranates, I liked potatoes even better. That's not a good way of playing this game. Just buzzing for words that you have positive associations with. No, things I would use as currency. Yes, but I mean

I'm just saying just as policy, I don't think that's good, but also it has in in this case, worked. Yes, potatoes were used as currency on that island. And in 1946, the first stamps on the island still bore a value in potatoes. Can you guess how many potatoes a stamp was? First class or second class? Depends. Yes, it was the same number of potatoes,

but, you know, first class was Marius Piper. But they all had a picture of King Edwards on them. That's the... It's a cruel world, isn't it? Oh, I'm used to it. Shall I carry on? Yes, do. So, potatoes, cashew chip.

As were dog's teeth on the Solomon Islands. Money only came to England with the Romans. At first, the ancient Britons couldn't see how paying for goods and things with small round coins was any more convenient or any different from just swapping the goods and things directly. I can't believe it's not barter, they used to say. To this day, Krona margarine is legal tender in Greenland. Thank you. Clive.

And at the end of that round, Clive, you also have managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else, and they are that in the French-speaking part of Canada, playing cards were pressed into service in the place of banknotes for the best part of 100 years, and the other truth being that dog's teeth were used as currency on the solomon islands it would take a lot of restraint not to look forward to the death of your dog in that culture we'll be all right when the dog dies just just just feed him a sweet you know

don't be cruel you don't don't want the teeth to rot oh you think that devalues him you've got it you've got to look after the dog's teeth. Oh, yes. Well, you could make the dog false teeth. That would be the kind way to do it. That's forgery. Yeah. You could get banged up for that look.

The Yap Islanders in the South Pacific use 18-foot-high stone rings as money, each weighing up to 15 tonnes. This has led to suggestions that Stonehenge is actually just some loose change that fell down the back of an enormous Stone Age sofa. But how did that work, if the currency was that big? I mean, did people roll it home?

I think the money just stays where it is and the people circulate. It would be hard to lose 50 billion three-tonne stone rings, wouldn't it? Yes, but I think... You wouldn't know where it was. I have to say, I think among our banking community, we have people incompetent enough even to do that. Right, now it's the turn of Lucy Porter. Your subject, Lucy, is penguins,

the large, flightless seabirds of the Southern Hemisphere with black upper parts and white underparts and wings developed into flippers for swimming underwater. Off you go, Lucy. Even though they have a popular biscuit named after them, penguins are allergic to chocolate because of the tryptophan it contains. Happily, they are able to eat some sweet foods and can enjoy arctic roll, fox's glacier mints and ice magic.

Strictly speaking, obviously, for penguins, it would have to be Antarctic roll foxes glacier mints and ice magic strictly speaking obviously for penguins it would have to be antarctic roll puffins can have arctic roll or polar bears polar bears can have arctic roll no one knows for sure where the penguin got its name but it has been suggested that it comes from the welsh pen meaning head and and gwyn, meaning white. Alternatively, the name may derive from Portuguese, where pinguin translates as distant nun. Boys prefer the emperor penguin because it's butch, whereas girls tend to like the gentoo penguin because it has pink poo.

Pink poo. You're right with the pink poo, yeah. Yeah, she was going for it. Brilliant. You see, it's just that Chris has known me for many years and he knows that if there was a fact involving poo, I would include it. I was waiting for the first poo thing to come up.

There it is. Buzz. Bang. One point. Don't do sort of, you know, self-congratulatory analysis on your own game. And this was the point. Bang, one point, in the back of the net, there I go, yes. You can play this back to yourself at home.

Yep, here I'm going, I'm going to spot the pink poo. Buzz, got it, bang, a point. But yes, they're well done. The Gentoo penguin has pink poo because of all the krill it eats. Lucy, carry on. In real life, there is no need to pick up a penguin because they can jump as high as six feet in the air. In order to make them do this,

you need to give them a really big surprise. Graham, you're up. I think they can jump six feet in the air from water. They can. They can. I'm just going to ask Lucy a question that's not part of the programme. Oh, right.

Shall we all leave the room while you do that? Yes, please. Yes, I will. I've always wanted you to ask me. Have you missed a bit? Yes, I have. I'm just going to go back and do it. I've asterisked it.

You've asterisked it, you're going to go back and do it. That's fine. Right. So that was it, everyone. Sorry. That wasn't the question I back and do it. You've asked to do that. You've asked to do it and you're going to go back and do it. That's fine. Right. So that was it, everyone. Sorry. That wasn't the question I was hoping for, but I try not to be so stressed. Well, I mean, a lot of people think I'm going to be more romantic

than I actually turn out to be. Yeah. If the most romantic thing you've ever said to a girl is, have you missed a bit? Yeah. I'll go back. You have one slightly red actually. I've spoken some truth.

Terrible, terrible memories. Carry on. I may not say anything. Carry on. OK. I may not say anything for a while. Although some Christians have claimed that March of the Penguins illustrated that the birds are monogamous and virtuous

like little waddling Allard Joneses, in reality, they could actually give tip to wags because female penguins in Antarctica have been observed selling sexual favours in exchange for rocks. Graham? I think lady penguins do put out for rocks. Yes, you're absolutely right, they do. They put out for rocks.

You know, a male penguin comes up with a rock... Yes. ..and gives it to the lady penguin... In every sense of the word. ..then gives her the rock. Yes. Yes. It sounds like you're explaining the facts of life to a five-year-old, doesn't it? What do they do with a rock?

I'm taking it all down. That's what the lady penguin says. What do they do with the rocks once they've got a rock? What can you do with a rock? They exchange it for money. They exchange it for pomegranates. What they do is they use them to for pomegranates, I guess. What they do is they use them to build their nests with, Clive.

They need certain sorts of rocks. So if they need, like, 50 rocks, they need to work their way through the penguin... I don't know. It depends how much of a dream home they want for their little penguinettes. And penguins are otherwise monogamous, so it's obviously quite a problem for penguin society, all the prostitution caused by the scarcity of nest-building rocks. How can you tell they're monogamous?

Because, let's face it, one penguin looks pretty much like another one. That is so racist. Speciesist, possibly. Yeah. Carry on, Lucy. Like me, penguins enjoy homes under the hammer and cash in the attic, but tend to nod off during diagnosis murder because they sleep more deeply in the afternoons than in the morning. The television series Pingu has been banned in North Korea

because Kim Jong-il is scared of nuns. PT Barnum bought two penguins for his circus and imported them from the Falkland Isles, but upon arrival in North America, they perished within three days. The enterprising Barnum had already advertised his penguin attraction and so paid two dwarves to wear penguin suits. The people of Texas were fooled, but when the circus reached California, the sham was exposed.

I think Barnum did that. I don't think the people of Texas were fooled, but I think Barnum did that. No, he didn't. Prove it. That is another weakness of the format. I have very little capacity to prove things. There should be some sort of game show appeal court

where, after it's gone out, factual errors can be... Actually, that's what I'm to university challenges. There should be some system whereby, after a perfectly good-willed contest on the television that people have enjoyed, the press then rake over the details of it in an incredibly tedious way and then the BBC surrenders again.

I mean, the BBC should be pleased to show off a graduate getting a job. That's the end of Lucy's bit. Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you also smuggled two truths past everyone else, which are that no one knows for sure where the penguin got its name, but it has been suggested that it's from the Welsh pen meaning head and gwyn meaning white.

That's in the OED. And the other truth being that penguins sleep more deeply in the afternoons than in the morning. And the reason we know this is because a French researcher in 2002 counted how many prods with a stick... LAUGHTER ..were necessary to wake penguins at different times of day. Penguins marry for life and have sex once a year,

so they live just like married humans, except with more sex. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with nought points, we have Clive Anderson. In third place, with one point, it's Chris Addison. In second place,

with three points, it's Graham Garden. But in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Lucy Porter. And that's about it for this week. All, Lucy Porter. And that's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable and that's the unbelievable truth.

Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Lucy Porter, Chris Addison, Clive Anderson and Graham Garden. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. Thank you.