The Unbelievable Truth - 03x02 Dogs, Iceland, Football, Prince Charles

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

03x02 30 March 2009 Tony Hawks, Simon Evans, Johnny Vaughan, Milton Jones Dogs, Iceland, Football, Prince Charles

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Please welcome four extremely accomplished practitioners of the art of lying. I must say they all sounded delighted when we asked them to take part. They are Simon Evans, Tony Hawks, Milton Jones and Johnny Vaughan. and Jones and Johnny Vaughan. The game is a neat blend of pure simplicity and unnecessary complication. Each of the panel will present a short lecture on a given subject that should be entirely made up, save for five pieces of true information which the panellist should

attempt to smuggle past his opponents. Points are scored by truths which go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a truth for a lie. We'll begin with Tony Hawks. After Tony and his group, Morris Minor and the Majors, had a hit single with stutter rap in the 80s, they went on to record a six-part comedy series called Morris Minor's Marvellous Motors. No, neither have I. Tony, your subject is dogs, defined by my dictionary as domesticated carnivorous mammals, which typically have an acute sense of smell and a barking, howling, or whining voice. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Dogs are seven-legged reptiles which live mostly in and around Bedford.

Unlike most reptiles, they sing extremely well, and they impress with their ability to sing one word whilst covering a whole range of very high notes at great volume. It is for this reason that scientists believe that Mariah Carey is actually a dog. Interestingly, when they're not singing and just barking, the noise they make gives 50% of all Eskimos a headache. That's why husky dogs don't bark.

Simon. I think he's sneaked in a truth there about huskies that don't bark. Huskies do bark. I imagine them yapping across the pole. You know, that's... But your imaginings are neither here nor there, really. I just had a stab at it. It turns out that my imaginings are close to cold, hard botanical facts.

Botanical facts? Botanical. Is it botanical? It's a very interesting plant. What's the animal version of botanical? Biological? Biological. No, I'm sure plants. Zoological. Oh, yes, that's it.

Cold, hard zoological facts. If that's all that's left after the edit, I shall be disappointed. According to a recent survey, pit bull terriers bred in Surrey are less aggressive than those bred in Glasgow. That's absolutely right. There was a report on this this week. They showed a dog from Glasgow attacking a bin in the war on rubbish. And they were looking at actually dog pitbull

attacks. And the ones in Surrey were a lot more mild-tempered. The worst offenders are Glaswegian. That's absolutely correct. This is the part of the game where Tony does the lying, Johnny. You get your chance later. I admired your... Yeah, there was actually a report on this this week.

That was extremely deft. No, there wasn actually a report on this earlier this week. That was extremely deft. No, there wasn't a report this week, because it's nonsense. So, sorry. Carry on, Tim. And dogs in the Liverpool area have a higher pitch bark than dogs in other areas. Now, I have heard that animals have accents. There was definitely a thing about cows having regional accents recently, so I don't see why dogs shouldn't whine like their Liverpudlian human counterparts. I think that may be true. That is true, yes.

Yes, a recent survey, not a report out this week, but a recent survey revealed that dogs in Liverpool communicate in a higher pitch than other dogs, and Scottish dogs tend to have a lighter tone to their bark. So, yes, dogs mimic human behaviour. But actually, if you look at a dog, they mimic it incredibly badly because they remain largely dog-like. Or plant-like. Or plant-like. Look, OK, dogs aren't plants.

You know, there was a time I thought dogs were plants. But, you know, after burying a few up to their waists and discovering that rather than growing, they died, and that other plants don't whimper so much, all get me into the same trouble the RSPCA. Tony. Prince Philip has for many years been obsessed with finding a dog which resembles a cello.

He names all his dogs after orchestral conductors and dresses them once a year in white tie and tails and inserts a pattern in them where the sun don't shine. Eskimos are so fond of dogs that they came up with the expression three-dog night, meaning that the night is so cold that you have to bed down with three dogs. Absolutely right.

Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. It's just true. It's just got the ring of truth. Three dog night. Sounds quite old school, quite what they would do. It is absolutely true.

Even before you said definitely three times. LAUGHTER One Eskimo in two owns a husky named Milton. That sounds about right. It's... It's not. Especially when I finish the sentence, named Chris was the next one. In Japan...

It actually destroys a joke when people just believe the set-up line, isn't it? And then you've got no room for the pun. There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. Was there really? What were they doing together? Did they get on with their cultural differences? Oh, hang on, I was just going... Yeah, but that's the premise of the game.

Waiter, waiter, there's a flying knife. That's terrible. I wouldn't go there again. OK, in Japan, people are actually legally permitted to marry dogs. Possibly as a consequence, in Japan, there are now not only cosmetic surgeons, but also cosmetic vets. That is absolutely right.

I know that a lot of their dogs... I can't remember which one it is, it's got the funny thing with the eyes going on. It gets ingrowing eyelashes. Isn't this from Fox? That wouldn't be cosmetic, though, would it? That would be actual, proper, legitimate surgery if it's got ingrowing eyelashes. They have cosmetic surgery to open their eyes and do stuff.

There are cosmetic surgeons for dogs. I wouldn't call it cosmetic surgery. Opening your eyes is not just a cosmetic you know you're not saying you need to open your eyes i'm not that vain um no that's not true sorry and in tokyo they now sell toupees for dogs barry manilow originally wrote the song copaabana about his pet Pekingese, Copa, and David Gates wrote the immortal line,

if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you, about his pet Labrador, Sammy. Johnny. I think that's right. It's going to be right. It sounds bland enough and kind of like a song to bring out. I think it's going to be right. It was dull enough to be true. No, it's a piece of material that Tony was telling me earlier he's rather proud of.

It's the kind of light comedy he's trying to get into. Owing to genetic evolution, dogs in the Andes drown more easily than other dogs. Milton. As a sentence, that would be true because the air is thinner. No, it's not true. I wasted my gap year then. Well, you spent your gap year in the Andes for the ease of drowning dogs. Yes.

Because their lungs have especially adapted to the high altitude, which might explain why a course in teaching people how to do the kiss of life on dogs has been launched in chile zoologists oh them have discovered have discovered a breed of wild dogs in borneo who stammer as well as this making them vulnerable to attack as they can't scare predators off it also makes some crap at dinner parties and disappointing on just a minute. Thank you, Tony. And, um,

at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which is very good. The first one is a bit of excitement there. The first one is that Prince Philip excitement there. First one is that Prince Philip genuinely named all his dogs after orchestral conductors. In Tokyo, they do sell toupees for dogs. And a course in teaching people how to do the kiss of life on dogs has been launched in Chile. And in fact, the vet who came up with the idea says dogs are like

humans. If they drown, they need mouth-to-mouth, which one can do directly or using a pipe, and I teach both. OK, we now turn to Simon Evans. Simon was born in Luton, or as EasyJet calls it, London. Your subject, Simon, is Iceland, an island country located in the North Atlantic Ocean between Norway and Greenland.

Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Simon. Currently in the process of being broken up for scrap, Iceland is nowadays chiefly remembered as the birthplace of Noggin the Nog. Founder of the country's legislative assembly, the Thing What Thing in the 11th century, Nog was a great moderniser. Before the Thing What Thing,

Icelanders had relied for governance on the concept of saga, the system whereby the wisdom of the elders... Tony, this sounds like it's definitely going to be true when he's finished it. OK, well... Let's carry on and see how we go. Simon, over to you. I'd just like to book it. OK, well. Let's carry on and see how we go. Simon, over to you. I'd just like to book it.

OK. If you can predict truth, you should get double points. I mean, look, he's so much more plausible than what he said already. Right. The concept of saga, the system whereby the wisdom of the elders was cherished and curated through a series of coach stalls, boating holidays and late-start life insurance plans. was cherished and curated through a series of coach doors,

boating holidays and late-start life insurance plans. Which Tony's just booked into. Booking is advisable. Sorry, Tony. I was a bit trigger-happy there. That's not true. Get off the coach. Icelanders are the world's largest herbivores, growing by about three centimetres a year

because of movement from the Earth's tectonic plates. I think Icelanders probably do eat a lot less meat than anyone else. I reckon there's not a lot of meat kicking around. The big delicacy is kind of shark meat, which they bury for a while. I think that's about it. It doesn't make them herbivores. No, it doesn't.

But only percentage-wise, I think that's the only meat they have to... No, sorry. So there's nothing in there to... None of that. Is there's nothing in there at all? None of that. Is there a truth lurking? None of that is true, no. There wasn't a truth lurking. Can I book a truth for next week? If you would like to nominate the next thing Simon says as truth...

I'd like to nominate the next thing Simon says... At the risk of a further point. OK, I will allow this temporary break with format. I'm calling the next thing he says truth. OK, off you goes, Simon. What about if I was to bid against that? I'm prepared to lose two points on the next thing he says being true. The format can't take that.

No, I think the format's... It's not robust enough. You can barely take what I'm doing. I'm worried for the format. I'm worried that we shouldn't change the format too much on the hoof. That's how Golden golden balls got started. Here it is. Truth coming up. Is this true?

Geologically mundane, Iceland is nevertheless of great interest to volcanologists as it is believed to be the birthplace of Spock out of Star Trek. It was coming so well to a spot. Finally. Icelanders enjoy a reputation as a friendly and emotionally mature people, but their reputation somewhat at odds with the reality that they are in fact a bunch of jailbirds

with the highest reported crime rate per capita. They're more per head in prison than anyone else. What is true, and I will give you the point, is that they have the highest reported crime rate per capita of any than anyone else. What is true, and I will give you the point, is that they have the highest reported crime rate per capita of any nation on Earth. So? Iceland's response to this has been to recently reintroduce national service,

although, as the country has no standing army, it has been pointed out that simply giving 18- to 20-year-olds weapons and uniforms and leaving them to it may have been counterproductive. Tony? I think they have introduced national service, though. No. Oh.

No, they haven't. It is easy to forget that before its recent spectacular implosion, Reykjavik had briefly threatened Croydon as a world financial centre. Nowadays, it once again threatens Croydon as a jumped-up little one-reindeer town with ideas above its station, although this should be understood in strictly metaphorical terms, as Iceland is in fact train-free and therefore has no station. The capital of Iceland... I think that was Tony first.

Yeah, I mean, look at the speed in which he tried to move on from that one. I mean, that is just... I've always lost respect for the man. They have trains. Do they? They're civilised people, yes. You're like the expert on everything, aren't you?

You've got a list of all the things written down. I don't know the difference between botanical and zoological. Austen, you're a tennis fan. When the umpire says out, you can't shout at him, so I'd like to see you try. Not so brilliant at tennis yourself. I'm picking you up on the way you derided me for imagining that Iceland might not have any trains. As if everybody in the world thinks,

oh, come off it, you ridiculous buffoon. OK, I can totally accept it. It doesn't make you a monster that you thought that Iceland might not have any trains. I just have a piece of paper in front of me that seems to at least imply that they do. I apologise. I was a little tetchy with you and I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry too.

Simon. The capital of Iceland is now about £24,000 and is mainly tied up in fishing lines. Icelanders do not use the first name surname system when naming their children. Instead, they use their porn names, taking their first name from the first family pet and their second name from the street they grew up on. Therefore, the telephone directory, in order to distinguish it from the index to a local street map, lists people alphabetically by their first names, the most popular of which is Snowy. Furthermore, contrary to the belief of millions of children conned into visiting Iceland each year, Santa Claus

actually lives in Sierra Leone. Should he ever visit, even Rudolph's red nose would be a welcome ingredient for the reindeer sausage that graces one of Domino's most popular local pizzas, as does the national dish. Tony. I think that they do have reindeer on pizzas in Iceland, in the Domino's. It is absolutely true.

They have reindeer sausage on Domino's most popular pizza. So, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which was the telephonder actually listing people alphabetically by their first names rather than surnames, and the other truth being that the country has no standing army. So, you know, they've got no army at all, they've got no money. Right, it's now the turn of Johnny Vaughan. Johnny once presented the reality show Space Cadets, where astronauts think they're going into space,

but actually remain on Earth. It was based on the British space programme. Your subject, Johnny, is football, otherwise known as association football or soccer, a game in which two 11-member teams try to propel a ball into the opposing team's goal. Oh, are you explaining the rules? A game in which two 11-member teams try to propel a ball into the opposing team's goal. Probably explaining the rules. Game in which two 11-member teams try to propel a ball into the opposing team's goal.

That's it, isn't it? And then there's an offside rule. It takes 90 minutes and occasionally someone scores. But, you know, nowhere near often enough to make it interesting. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Johnny. Thank God our beloved football has resisted all temptations towards commercialism.

The pure heart of soccer still beats as true as it did when that ancient Scotsman first kicked a dead rabbit into a cave. Of course, the lucky few who are intelligent enough to understand the complex rules of gameplay play football for nothing. I mean, the Duke of Westminster didn't have trials with Fulham because he needed £12, seven shillings and six pence more a week. He did it for love of football. Tony.

That was the reason why he didn't whatever it was that he said. Now, go on, what? Well, you had a lot of negatives in there. It was a quadruple negative. What do you think might be true? Yes. What he said, he's really in there. No, but come on.

Well, you know, don't pick on me. At least I waited till he'd said it. No, I didn't understand it. What's true in it? I'm not picking on you, Taylor. You buzz, I have to talk to you. He thinks it's true that the Duke of Westminster had trials with Fulham for the love of the game. It is.

I want his point. That was very giving of you, Simon, to help Tony out there. Yes, that's absolutely true. Other unlikely people who have had trials for football clubs include Des O'Connor for Northampton Town, Bernard Manning and Eddie Large for Manchester City, and Sir David Frost turned down a contract with Nottingham Forest to go to university. As did Well, you can slate football. I don't think he was implying that was a fact or anything.

Shall we make that a neutral one where I don't lose a point? You have to say, we enjoyed your interaction. See, on just a minute, I'd get a bonus point for that. Look, unfortunately, the points you get in Just A Minute are worth nothing here. You cannot exchange Just A Minute points for points here. We're bringing a few innovations in tonight. Why not? Well, and I'm taking them out again. I was going to give you a point, and now you've compared it to another panel show.

I'm deeply hurt. No, you can slate football. It wasn't a fact. You buzzed it, it was wrong, and you lose a point. There you go. And what do you mean, no, you can slate football, it wasn't a fact, you buzzed it, it was wrong and you lose a point. There you go, and what do you mean no railways in Iceland? Right, carry on. Thank you, Justice Mitchell. Football is remarkable for the impeccable behaviour of its fans. The only potentially ugly incident in living memory took place in 1996 and was quickly addressed by Second Division Gillingham announced a life ban

on anyone attempting to bring in sticks of celery. Yes, that is absolutely true, Simon. Thank you very much. the life ban on anyone attempting to bring in sticks of celery yes that is absolutely true simon i i i really got quite a rush as i went through that it was like smuggling cannabis yes and then it's like you were nearly you were nearly out of wartime germany and then someone said you good luck uh curiously the fans of gillingham weren't using the celery to attack opposing fans or players, but their own goalkeeper, Jim Stanard,

who was 16 stone 6 pounds, and essentially I think they were bringing the celery in to take the piss out of their fat goalie. No-one was quite able to encapsulate the innate essence of football until the great philosopher and mystic Stuart Hall first coined the phrase the beautiful game after seeing Brazil beat Italy in the World Cup final in Mexico. Simon.

I hope that's true. Stuart Hall is a seer, mystic and philosopher and certainly the beautiful game was certainly coined around Pele's Brazilian team. I don't know whether those two things match up. No, it's absolutely true that Stuart Hall certainly claims to have coined the phrase a beautiful game.

It's not his, though. It is because of the Masons. Truth, strength and beauty. I mean, there was meant to be wisdom, strength and beauty and football was the game of beauty of the three kind of pillars. So Stuart is just a free Mason. He just holds it down.

I didn't understand that. I didn't know that. Right. The beautiful game withstands the temptations of commercialism to this very day. The nearest it has come to selling out to the lures of mammon was when Chelmsford City advertised a soft drink on their players' nasal strips.

All right, I'll admit it. They might have had a chimps tea party on a pitch at Bristol City before a West Ham game to boost attendances. Tony. I think they definitely had a chimps tea party before a game at West Brom to encourage people to come in. What you've said is not true, but what you've tried to echo was. Yes, they had a chimps tea party on the pitch at Bristol City before a West Ham game to boost attendances. Thank you, Johnny. To boost attendances.

Thank you, Johnny. So, Johnny, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle only one truth past the rest of the panel, which was that Chelmsford City advertised a soft drink on their players' nasal strips. And now it's the turn of Milton Jones, Britain's funniest Milton, after Milton Keynes. Your subject, Milton, is Prince Charles, otherwise known as the Prince of Wales,

the eldest son of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, and heir to the throne of the UK and some Commonwealth states. Off you go, Milton. Prince Charles failed his maths O-level twice, although he thinks it's three times. Johnny. That's absolutely right, he did. He failed it twice. Yes, that's absolutely right, he did. He failed it twice. Yes, that's absolutely right, he did.

Oh, there we go. In that moment, I did what I did with my whole speech. One point. Milton. He's also related to the Battenberg family, who once tried to conquer Europe with little shield. Johnny. Well, he is related to the Battenberg family.

Was that enough for a truth, or was there more that was going to be...? You know, that's not one of Milton's truths, but it is absolutely true. He is related to the Battenberg family. He is a Battenberg, yeah. Mount Battenberg and Mount Battenberg, it's the same family, and that's Prince Philip, who's his father. Yes.

So even though that's not... Milton has accidentally put something true in on top of that. His Royal Highness is a demanding landlord. Every year he demands a tonne of coal from his lands in Wales, 200 gallons of whisky from his estates in Scotland, and from the Isles of Scilly, the rent he demands is the head of one of the tenants. They duly send him a daffodil.

Simon. He's sneaked the daffodil thing in there. I think that's true. That's what the Isle of Scilly give him. Yesffodil. Simon. He sneaked the daffodil thing in there. I think that's true. That's what the Isle of Scilly give him. Yes, that's absolutely right. Yes. Thank you. Since 1986, the Duchy of Cornwall has accepted a single daffodil

as rent from the Isles of Scilly Environmental Trust, which leases all of the Duchy's land there. Prince Charles will only ever approach Cornwall via the English Channel, not via the Bristol Channel, as he wants to make sure to pass the duchy on the left-hand side. Oh, yeah. Come on. The silent cure. The prince's royal protection officers are known as Charlie's Angels. That is absolutely true.

They call them Charlie's Angels. I know a guy who's one of them for a while. He got really quite cross about it. I think the thing I'd like to say, Johnny, is that I really appreciate the fact that whenever you buzz into something you think is true, you try and surround it with flaws of innocence. But I'm just going to go on what I've got on the sheet. If I'm saying that's true, I'm not meant to then lie.

Well, you can, but I think what I'm saying is there is no point. You're trying to change this show. Sorry. Certainly consider you're going to take it off me and take it to BBC One on Saturday night. No, I just... I just try to bring a bit more to it and just... That's true.

Well, the Radio 4 listeners won't like it. That's true. That's true. The prince has also had his title patented. Tony. I think he has had his title patented. No, he hasn't. How can you have a title patented. Tony. I think he has had his title patented. No, he hasn't. How can you have a title patented?

You patented an invention. You might have had it trademarked. You're doing it again, aren't you? Sorry. I feel small now. Carry on. Royal Protocol forbids Prince Charles and Prince William to travel on the same plane in case...

Johnny. That's absolutely correct. You can't have the two of them on there because they're the same person. That's why you never see them together. No, no, you can't because that's the air taken out and they all have to travel on separate planes. That is fact.

I think everyone kind of knows that. That is absolutely true, yes. Instead, Prince William is suspended in a basket beneath the plane. Prince Charles set up and lent his initials to the shop PC World. Originally, it produced organic computers made out of flax and manure.

Prince Charles loves practical jokes. Once he sent Ozzy Osbourne, the Prince of Darkness, a bottle of whisky after a quad bite. A quad bite, what's that? It's a true fact, is what it is. It's a true bit that you try to fluff and fuddle round, but he did send him a bottle of scotch because he likes the Osbournes. He was a mate of Sharon, does a lot of charity and stuff like that. He did. That's exactly what it says here. Yes, it

is absolutely true. You tried to create what I call the flurry round it. Yeah, he sent Ozzy Osbourne a bottle of whisky after the quad bike accident, even though Ozzy Osbourne is a recovering alcoholic. Recently, Prince Charles rather pointedly took his mum to Burger King. He also appeared as himself in Coronation Street, and soon he's putting on a musical in the West End called When's It My Go? I think he did appear in Coronation Street,

didn't he, on a famous episode? He definitely appeared. He appeared in The Rovers. He went in there, or did a visit or something. I'd moved on. No, no, you... He definitely did. Yes, no, he did appear in Coronation Street, and I think you had not moved on sufficiently, Milton,

I'm afraid. Charles is Viceroy of India, which means, of course, he will take over the place when Roy of India dies. That's nice. Thank you, Milton. I'm afraid at the end of that round, Milton, you've managed to smuggle no truth past the rest of the panel, and indeed to say a true thing by accident.

panel and indeed to say a true thing by accident so uh at the end of that round you've scored no points which brings us to the final scores in fourth place with minus four points, we have Milton Jones. In third place, with minus two points, it's Johnny Vaughan. In second place, with minus one point, it's Tony Hawks. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, points is this week's winner, Simon Evans. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye!

The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Simon Evans, Tony Hawkes, Milton Jones and Johnny Vaughan. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.