The Unbelievable Truth - 03x05 Henry VIII, Cockroaches, Dancing, Cricket

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

03x05 20 April 2009 Sue Perkins, Arthur Smith, Sean Lock, Miranda Hart Henry VIII, Cockroaches, Dancing, Cricket

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello, and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Many statements that we believe to be true are in fact massive whoppers. For example, it's often said that men think about sex every seven seconds. Of course, most men don't. It just works out as that on average when you take into account Russell Brand.

Today we have four comedians with us who plan to spend the next 30 minutes spinning lies into comedy gold. Please welcome Miranda Hart, Arthur Smith, Sue Perkins and Sean Locke. Here's how it works. Each of the panel will present a short lecture on a given subject that should be entirely made up, save for five pieces of true information which the panelist should attempt to smuggle past his opponents. Points are scored by truths which go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a truth for a lie. We'll begin with Sue Perkins.

Sue is the star of The Superciser's Go, in which she eats foods from different periods of history. During the last series, Sue ate a combination of sheep's heads, coxcombs and duck's blood. And when she'd finished her kebab, a full Elizabethan banquet as well. Your subject, Sue, is Henry VIII, King of England from 1509 to 1547 and the second monarch of the House of Tudor,

who's perhaps best known for his six wives, his break with Rome and his dissolution of the monasteries. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Sue. Because of his extremely short stature, Henry VIII was the first English king to be addressed as your majesty instead of your highness. Before that, the king was known as Fat Man with loud voice and pointy gold hat from Shaloh Jeanpour. Henry VIII inherited the throne and his middle name from his father, Edward V. and his middle name from his father, Edward V. Henry was a staunch defender of the Catholics and indeed ran a charity sanctuary for papal bulls.

Arthur. Well, clearly there's some rubbish going on here. Pretty much the last three sentences, actually, I should say. You're saying all three are lies or true? They're all... Oh, yeah, I forgot. How stupid. I'm going to hand it to you, Mrs. L all... Oh, yeah, I forgot. How stupid. I'm going to hand it to you, Mrs. Smith. Oh, no, how embarrassing.

I thought I'd come into just a minute. I'm sorry. Well, that's fine, but you think so far nothing is true? Yeah. No, something's true. I don't think so. It's too late. You think that something is true? The middle name.

The middle name, yes. Henry VIII inherited his that something is true. The middle name. The middle name, yes. Henry VIII inherited his middle name from Edward. His middle name is The. His middle name could have been Edward. Oh, I wondered why they laughed there. Right, I've got it. Yeah. OK, good.

You see, they're just enjoying it. We're looking for facts. Yeah. Shall I carry on? Carry on. Yeah. What was my subject, Tom? Henry VIII. Oh, he's dead. Let's move on. OK, carry on? Carry on. Yeah. What was my subject, Tom? Henry VIII.

Oh, he's dead. Let's move on. OK, so... That's true. What is? He is definitely dead. He is dead, but I don't think that was part of Sue's official remarks in the context of the game, I don't think. Henry invented real tennis.

Up till then, tennis had been purely... Sean, that's true. No, it isn't true. No, it isn't true. Do you? You know as soon as you've buzzed, really. Yeah. Well, you can sense it.

But they do have that real tennis court, don't they, at Hampton Court, I think? It's not imaginary or anything, it's there. Yeah, yeah. You can see it. Yeah, I've never understood it, real tennis. What is it? It is unlike the real IRA. It's there. You can see it. I've never understood it. Real tennis? What is it? It is unlike the real IRA.

Real tennis came first. Continuity tennis hasn't yet emerged. Henry VIII was renowned as a dainty eater, very fussy about his food. He was the first British king to try eating turkey at Christmas. Arthur? I think it's plausible that he introduced eating turkeys at Christmas. Yes, that's absolutely true.

Hey! Although it didn't really catch on until Edward VII did it a long time later. Henry also employed a groom whose job it was to wipe the royal bottom and dry the royal wee. Anne Boleyn is notable in history. I think that's possibly true, because a lot of these, like Louis XIV used to, you know, essentially... Clean Henry VIII's bottom. But they did used to do that sort of thing in around that time,

because Louis XIV used to sort of defecate whilst having meetings with foreign dignitaries and things. And, you know, they had to give birth in public, didn't they, as well, the Queen? So I'm sorry, I've turned you off. It was a life... I'm on history today now. Yeah, no, well, you're absolutely right. I employed a man to wipe his bottom.

He was called the groom of the stool. Imagine that bloke telling his mum, I've got a job, Mum. It's with the King and everything. Yes, darling, what do you do? I groom the stool. Makes her sound like My Little Pony. Anne Boleyn is notable in history for having six fingers,

though this proved to be scant conversation for having no head. Sean. I was saddened. She did have six fingers. Everyone knows that, don't they? What she actually had was ten fingers. So she did have six fingers, but not on one hand.

Just another four, not another five. That's quite an old... They spread it as a rumour because they wanted her to appear to be a witch. That's not fair, is it? They said she had six fingers. I mean, you using that rumour because they wanted her to appear to be a witch. That's not fair, is it? They said she had six fingers. No, I mean you using that rumour. And they said that she had horrible teeth and three breasts. They said all this sort of thing.

And there were so many rumours that they actually dug her up in 1876 and counted her fingers. Henry met Jane Seymour in Le Jardin de Max Factor. He'd seen her in Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman, thought she was beautiful. Adam Cleves was so different to the portraits of her, he'd been shown, that when she arrived from Flanders, Henry VIII asked courtiers whether they'd inadvertently brought back a horse instead.

Sean. Oh, that's true. Yes, that is true. Well done. So that was his game. He was a funny guy. Yeah. Oh, thank you.

We called her the Flanders Mare. Oh, yeah. He sounds a bit cockney, doesn't he? Flanders Mayor. Flanders Mayor. I'm Henry VIII. I am. Come on, everybody. Henry VIII. I am. I am. No, this is not a sing-song show. Sue. When Henry heard the music Greensleeves, taken from the album Recorder Classics to Torture Adults With, he decided to have a go at writing a chartbuster himself. His first effort, Pink Hat, was followed by the less successful Orange Doublet, Yellow Socks and Purple Hose, although Purple Hose was covered by Jimi Hendrix in 1916.

And Perry VIII's armour boasts the largest codpiece in the Tower of London. He's the only monarch whose groin echoed as he walked. I think he did, yeah. I mean, is there a codpiece on a suit of armour? I don't know. I'd want a small one, because a big one would give people something to aim at, wouldn't it? I don't know how much fighting he did in battle, but, yeah, he did have the largest codpiece in the Tower of London, so, yes. Thank you, Sue.

And at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle one truth only past the rest of the panel, which is that Henry VIII was the first English king to be addressed as Your Majesty instead of Your Highness or Your Grace. But that means, Sue, you've scored one point. Henry VIII employed someone whose job it was to wipe the royal rear. It's one of the very few jobs where it's actually inadvisable to start at the bottom and work your way up. OK, we turn now to Arthur Smith.

Arthur is a comedian who needs no introduction, so that's a bit of luck. Arthur, your subject is the cockroach, a beetle-like insect that feeds by scavenging, some species of which are well-known as pests. Off you go, Arthur. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Three years ago, a sound recordist

from Finland, using especially enhanced equipment, was able to obtain the first recording of the sound of a cockroach farting. Miranda. Well, that's the kind of a cockroach farting. Miranda. Well, that's the kind of thing that people are paying for in the science world these days, aren't they? You hear things like, you know, butterflies sneezed.

They discover things like that, so why not a cockroach farting? A slug burping. Yeah, that kind of thing. There's a lot of this, isn't there, on YouTube? There's a lot of that. There's a lot of that. Glutton slugs. And I just sort of want to believe it.

That's why I buzzed. Well, it's not true. Sorry. But cockroaches do fart every 15 minutes and it is thought that insects' flatulence may account for... Sean. It's true. Yes, that is absolutely true. And...

Methane produced by insects is thought to account for one-fifth of all emissions on the planet. To link the two subjects, I remember reading recently that I think it was Edward II had a court jester, he was called Roland the Farter, and he used to come on with a leap, a whistle and a fart. And you've got to think, that material would still work, wouldn't it? It would give us a good chance for material would still work, wouldn't it? It would give us a good chance

for gold in the Olympics, wouldn't it? The leap with, instead of the hop, skip and a jump, the leap with and a fart. In 1920, a cockroach woke up one day to discover that he was a tiny France Kafka. If the cockroach was the size of a human,

it could high jump 200 feet, push a five-ton boulder up a hill. Sue. I think it's true. No. If a cockroach was the size of a human, it could not jump 200 feet or push a five-ton boulder up a hill. And if the cockroach was the size of a human, it could run 100 metres in one second.

In China, there is an entertainer who presents a cockroach circus in which the creatures, each painted a different colour, crawl through hoops on their 18 knees, balance sequins on their horns and finally perform a dozy-doze square dance on a miniature silver dance floor. Cockroaches and sex. They have sex up to 40 times a day, so if they are not farting,

they are fordicating. Rather like myself in 1973. Female cockroaches prefer males at the bottom of the social pecking order. Scientists from the University of Manchester claim some female cockroaches prefer weaker partners because they like gentle sex. Miranda. Well, I think that they could prefer people... Sorry. Freudian slip. They're not man-sized.

My point was, if they go for someone lower down the pecking order, they're more likely to get a yes. Basically, you buzzed at a point where he said something true. So, yes, you get a point for that. Hooray! They do. Female cockroaches prefer males at the bottom of the social pecking order. How do they establish the social pecking order of cockroaches i mean much like we do men well how do you do it then

i'm not i'm not fussy but she has a questionnaire that's all i'm saying yeah yeah the guinness book of records tells us that the largest number of cockroaches ever crammed into one mouth was 172, achieved by a chap from Siberia with an unpronounceable name. Sean. I think that's true. 172? Yeah. In your mouth?

Blimey, that would... No, it's not. The record is, in fact, 11. Is there really a record for Guinness Book of Records? Yes, no, according to Insect News the world record for cockroaches in the mouth was set by a Kentucky man called Travis Fezzier when he successfully held 11 live Madagascan hissing cockroaches

in his mouth for 10 seconds smashing the previous record of nine. But that doesn't sound that many to me. I mean, I think I'm going to have a go on that record. I'm going to beat that record. I'd like to announce it. Actually, once you've got that record of having cockroaches in your mouth, doors will open for you. It's fantastic. You have that horrible moment, but then you live like a king.

Cockroaches' favourite food is chips. The only vegetables they won't eat are cucumbers. It is a family joke among members of the royal family that the Duke of Edinburgh resembles a cockroach. Sean's bastard, and that's treason. Sorry, I'm afraid that's not true. Oh, God. Thank you, Arthur.

And at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. And they are that if a cockroach was human-sized, it could not do the things that Sue believed in terms of lifting boulders and other things and being gentle lovers. But what they could do is run 100 metres in one second.

The cockroach does have 18 knees, so that is three knees per leg or arm. And the only vegetable they won't eat are cucumbers. Chefs in cockroach-infested kitchens have been known to slice cucumbers and line them up around the perimeter of their workstations in order to keep the cockroaches at bay. That's so peculiar, that fact, isn't it? Maybe they're like kind of class warriors,

and they think of it like the cucumber sandwich representing the middle classes. That's, I think, the only explanation that makes any sense. That means at the end of that round, Arthur, you've scored three points. Well done. Very good. At the start of an edition of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, Kerry Katona told 60,000 cockroaches, I ate your mum last week.

Not a great advert for Iceland's new crisp and savoury bites. Right, it's now the turn of Sean Locke. Sean used to work as a builder before eventually deciding to become a comedian. Extraordinary, a builder disappearing off to do another job. Your subject, Sean, is dancing, an activity that refers to a rhythmic movement of the body in time to music. Fingers on buzz of the rest of you. Off you go, Sean. I have three medals for dancing.

Two in Latin American and one in traditional Irish dancing. Two in Latin American and one in traditional Irish dancing. Absolutely no chance of that. It's one of the many things I have in common with Kung Fu legend Bruce Lee. Bruce was the Hong Kong cha-cha-cha champion in 1958. Irish dancers keep their arms still because originally they were forced to dance in tiny theatres made by leprechauns. There was no room for the upper body, which would be sticking out of the roof, while the leprechaun audience would be spellbind by the flashing feet of the big people.

Any takers? Michael Flatley had his legs insured for $1 million. Sue. True. False. Pounds! Pounds! No, no. No, he did have them insured, but for $40 million, not $1 million.

Do you know, I once... Genuinely, this is true. I once had my old chap insured for a million pounds, ladies and gentlemen. What were you insuring it against? Sorry, it's a strange reaction. I was against it falling off or something. Is that likely? So if you needed some money...

What do you know of these things? You could really bash yourself with a frying pan in the groin. I'm sure there'll be something. And go and collect. You're laughing. No, the insurers would investigate. I think that has to be the definition of really needing money. You're so broke.

Good plot for a film. Yeah. Yeah, I found a way we can get the money to save the orphanage. Yeah, I've found a way we can get the money to save the orphanage. And at the same time ensure that I don't create any more children. In the original fairy tale, the original punishment for the wicked queen in Snow White was to dance in red-hot shoes until she died. Sue.

I think that bit is true. You're right. No way! Oh, yes. she died. Sue. I think that bit is true. You're right. No way! Sort of quite gruesome, isn't it? That she had to dance in red hot shoes until she died. I don't see why the shoes would be red. I mean, would you die any quicker

with red or blue shoes? Red hot. Oh, red hot, sorry. with red or blue shoes? Red hot. Oh, red hot, sorry. When Arthur was initially told the punishment, he went, yeah, fine, yeah, red shoes.

Dancing red shoes, fine by me. Suppose their red hue will hide the bloodstains. No, in fact, yeah, it's red hot. Because they do that now, don't they? That's what they used to do in management courses. You have to walk over hot coals and then you become a junior executive. Really? Yeah.

I bet someone here has been away on some training weekend where you had to walk on hot coals. Have you? There you are. Did it hurt? It didn't hurt. How much bonding vodka had you drunk? Or maybe do you have powers? She might be in a wheelchair.

That's true. Animals use dance to express very complex emotions and ideas. The shady beetle performs a scurrying dance to inform other beetles that a frog is dying. And they should get there before the ants the best dancers in the animal kingdom are cows who can who can be trained to bronze medal standard and are essential part of the moscow state circus in parts of columbia if a woman is successful in tripping a man, during the ceremonial dance, he is required to have sexual intercourse with her. And in parts of Kenya,

Maasai warriors perform a ritual jumping dance, which represents the enormous distances they have to travel to get to a toilet. In Montana, it became illegal for a woman to dance on a table unless she is wearing three pounds, two ounces of clothing. So the strippers wear heavy leather chaps, which keep both underbottoms highly visible. I think conceivably the first part of that is true,

that there's something about what they can and can't dare wear. Yeah, that's true. It became illegal for a woman to dance on a table unless she was wearing three pounds, two ounces of clothing. It's absolutely true. Don't know why they chose to specify the weight rather than the nature of the clothing. You could just have one very heavy nipple clamp.

Exactly. Yeah. Lap dancing was invented by Vera Lap, a stripper from Tupelo, Mississippi, who got round the regulations for stage nudity by taking to the floor and dancing for a single customer. Thank you, Sean.

So, Sean, you also managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that Bruce Lee was Hong Kong cha-cha-cha champion in 1958, and apparently he used to teach the cha-cha-cha champion in 1958. And apparently he used to teach the cha-cha-cha on cruise ships. He was really quite the dancer early on.

Cows are an essential part of the Moscow State Circus. And the other truth that Sean managed to smuggle is that in Colombia, if a goajiro, I don't know how you pronounce that, G-O-A-J-I-R-O, woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have sexual intercourse with her. So that means, Sean, you've scored three points. Now the turn of Miranda Hart. Your subject, Miranda, is cricket, a bat and ball team sport usually played on a grass field

in the centre of which is a flat strip of ground called a pitch with a wooden target or wicket placed at each end off you go Miranda cricket was invented in the late 18th century by Carol Vorderman during an ad-breaking countdown in some cultures the game has deep-rooted and unusual social significance for example the Admiralty Islanders in the Pacific make their cricket bats from the wood of a tree grown from the artificial leg of the missionary, Elisha Fawcett, who first bought them the game. Sue? I think that might be

true at the end. It is true. Well done. Which bit of it is true? The Admiralty Islanders in the Pacific make cricket bats from the wood of a tree grown from the artificial leg of the missionary Elisha Fawcett. Can you grow an artificial leg into a tree?

The islanders claim that when Elisha Fawcett was a missionary and taught them all about God and cricket, when he died, they didn't have enough money or stone or anything for a tombstone, so they just used his wooden leg. Apparently, it took root and turned into a tree and they made cricket bats out of the tree. I still don't really believe it, because, I mean, it's from a willow tree, isn't it, cricket bats?

Usually, yes. But you can make cricket bats out of not-willow. Is that what all other trees are called? Not-willow. Not-willow. It's a forest there. It's not a tree. Willow.

Beautiful willow, beautiful not-willow. I think they probably make them out of willow because willow is the best word to make it out of, but that doesn't mean it would totally fail to work if you made it out of, say, not willow. I've never heard of a not willow bag. I can't believe it's not willowed. Shall I carry on? Carry on.

On the subject of artificial limbs, in 1796 at Woolworth, a team of one-legged cricketers defeated a one-armed team by 103 runs. However, there was a talk of match-fixing as the official scorer was one of the one-legged party. Arthur. I think that might be true, that there was a game of cricket between one-legged men and one... I vaguely remember that from the Tiger magazine when I was a boy.

I didn't know you were that old. Yeah. 1796 I was a boy. I didn't know you were that old. Yeah. 1796 it was. Yeah. And you actually, you read the match report. Yeah, I mean, I was at Waterloo and everything. You're absolutely right. They were all pension sailors,

and it was a one-armed team and a one-legged team. Unlikely as it sounds, for a time, cricket almost became popular in Australia. Indeed, keen Aussie sportsmen, sorry not to be able to play the game all year round, devised Australian rules football to give cricketers something to play during the off-season. I think that's true. You're absolutely right, it is true. It's going really badly this end.

Go on, keep smuggling them facts. I know, it's going really well. Just think of yourself as a smuggler. That's what I did. I'm going to smuggle them facts. I know. It's going really well. Just think of yourself as a smuggler. That's what I did. I went, I'm going to smuggle some facts.

What sort of smuggler? A wholesome 18th century brandy smuggler? No. I thought of myself as like Doctor Who, right, smuggling illegal immigrants

in the TARDIS. So wrong, but a little bit jaunty and fun as well. Right. Because he could get thousands in there, couldn't he? He could make a fortune, much more than those lorry drivers.

I think he's all right financially. Yeah? I don't think he's worried financially. Oh, I don't know. I mean, you know, you go from one planet to another, you can't always find the exchange, can you? Where do you change your money if you're going from planet Tharg

to planet Doobob? Good point. Well, you've forgotten, Arthur, but both Tharg and Doobob are in the Eurob. Oh, yeah. They've got the same character. Carry on.

During its brief popularity, cricket took place between teams from England and Australia in a series of so-called pest matches. The winners were traditionally awarded the Ashes, Jane and her brother Peter. Jane has catered for cricket tees since its invention, but was sacked in the 80s when Ian Botham became too fat to run. In Edwardian times, cricket in England was played exclusively by women. At the time, lady cricketers were obliged to play with blue balls in case they became overexcited at the sight of red ones.

It was also the ladies' cricket team... Sue. I'm thinking it's quite possible in the Edwardian era, pre-suffrage, that they thought that the sight of a red ball might excite a lady and therefore they should be blue and a little bit more demure. That's absolutely true. Oh, sugar!

Yes, they played with blue balls and people have suggested it's because they thought the red balls might have looked a bit too sexy for them. Yeah. It was also the ladies' cricket team that pioneered over-arm bowling, as the under-arm action meant balls getting stuck in their voluminous skirts. Arthur. I think maybe women did over-arm bowling first, possibly.

No, they didn't. People thought that. Legend has it that round-arm bowling was pioneered by Christina Wills, but that's not true. It was earlier than that by someone called Tom Walker. Oh, no, but he was copying his sister. I mean, I bow to your greater knowledge, because you've probably met him. But, um...

LAUGHTER But, no, as far as we know, they didn't, no. It's a well-known fact that Prince Philip dislikes cricket. However, he dislikes horse racing even more and sometimes hides a radio in his top hat when he attends the ascot races so he can listen to the ball-by-ball commentary. Sean? I think he dislikes cricket.

Yeah. No, he doesn't dislike cricket. No. Get in. Crucial to the game of cricket is the figure of the Batman who swoops down on a long rope and tries to mane the bowler, who is so named after his traditional hat. At the other end of the field stands the wicket man. At the end of the session,

he's taken away to a clifftop and burned inside an effigy. Thank you, Miranda. At the end of that round, Miranda, you only managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, and that is that sometimes Prince Philip hides a radio in his top hat when he attends the Ascot races because he likes listening to the cricket. That means, Miranda, that you've scored one point. Yay! During one county cricket match between Derbyshire and Lancashire in June 1975, play was actually stopped by snow.

The explanation is simple. Some spectators had actually turned up to watch it, and hell had frozen over. In 1796 at Walworth, a team of one-legged cricketers did indeed defeat a one-armed team by 103 runs. The one-armed team were let down by their star bowler, a pacey left-hander. Sadly, he only had a right arm. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points,

we have Sue Perkins. It's a terrible shot! In third place, with minus one point, it's Miranda Hart. In second place, with no points, it's Sean Locke. And in first place, with an unassailable seven points is this week's winner, Arthur Smith.

That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Sean Locke, Arthur Smith, Sue Perkins and Miranda Hart. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.