The Unbelievable Truth - 04x01 Golf, Cats, Tea, Adolf Hitler

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

04x01 5 October 2009 Rhod Gilbert, Reginald D. Hunter, Shappi Khorsandi, Adam Hills Golf, Cats, Tea, Adolf Hitler

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello, and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. We start this new series with a show recorded at the Edinburgh Festival's Fringe. Edinburgh has its fair share of myths and fables, as will be apparent to anyone who's visited Arthur's Seat, the legendary ancient volcano that towers over 800 feet above the city. Locals say if you climb to the top on a reasonable day, you can see Dundee. On a good day, you can't. Scotland's most popular soft drink is iron brew.

It may not actually be made, as the investments claim, with real girders, but it does contain 0.3% of artificial fruit flavouring, which in Scotland counts as one of your five a day. Helping us sort the wheat of truth from the chaff of lies using the wholemeal loaf of misjudged metaphor, we have representatives from four of the worst footballing countries in the world. From Australia, Adam Hills, from America, Reginald D. Hunter, from Iran, Shappi Korsandi, and from Wales, Rod Gilbert. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a truth for a lie. We'll begin with Rod Gilbert. Rod, your subject is golf, defined by my dictionary as a precision club and ball sport in which players attempt to hit balls into each hole on a golf course while employing the fewest number of strokes. Off you go, Rod. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. In Guinness's world ranking of most pointless ways to spend time on this planet, golf ranks at three, just behind ten-pin bowling and lying face down on a plain carpet.

The dress code in golf is governed by civil law, with many golf clubs punishing incorrect attire with death by snide looks and bitchy comments. Nevertheless, some notable individuals have dared fight back against golf's draconian rules. Edward VII famously wore golf shoes using hedgehog spikes for grip. His golf bag was made from an elephant's penis. For golf tees, he mingled invisibly amongst wading birds, then crept up on them and snapped off their beaks. And his golfing gloves were made of five empty mice sewn together. Adam. I'm going to say the hedgehog spikes were true.

The hedgehog spikes weren't true. Really? And were also about 45 minutes ago. Well, he was on a roll and I wanted to let him go. Right. So you stopped me. So roughly, what is the time that we have to respond to what we think is untrue? It's, um...

You seem to know this. Edward VII was quite a long time ago, to be fair. It's done, it's arbitrary. Really? Yeah, it's officially arbitrary. Really? Yeah. I had a feeling, but since it wasn't my show, I didn't want to come right out and say it.

Right. All right, then. Do you think I was wrong? It just felt unfair, but since it wasn't me, I'm going to let it go. Right. The history of golf balls is fascinating. Before 1700, golf balls were made of metal. Before 1848, golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers. Reg. I'm going to go with the balls being made of leather. That sounds like

that might be something factual there. You're absolutely right. Yeah, before 1848, golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers. Good thing I didn't wait four or five more seconds to say that. It might not have counted. No, you were exemplary with your speed there. That was excellent. In fact, he hadn't even said feathers.

In fact, what you thought was true wasn't. So, in fact, I you thought was true wasn't. So in fact, I could take a point away for having buzzed too. But I'm not that arbitrary. Really? Yeah. I was actually about to ask, how early can you buzz in? Because I'd like to... I think in the next 30 seconds you're going to say the truth.

We have had people buzz before, saying the next thing someone says is true, is going to be true. You can do that. It's never been met with success. How confident are you that in the next 30 seconds I'll say the truth, Adam? I'm very confident.

Do you want to put a bit of money on it? Yeah, sure. Sorry. Ten dollars. No, no. Adam, ten dollars. No, I'm not. Ten Australian dollars.

Ten Australian dollars. You see, this is the... It's ruined cricket. Now it's ruining this. If you want, you can have a point if the next thing he says is true. I'm saying the next thing he says is going to be true. And if it is true, you'll get a point. Okay.

So, off you go, Rod. It was Edward VII who introduced the zebra testicle golf ball. Testicle golf ball. Currently in widespread use to the game in early 1900s. Oh, it was the late 1900s. I should have known. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, Adam, that that is not true. So, sadly, you lose a point. OK. Every year, thousands of Americans are killed on golf courses.

Over 90% of these are golf-related murders. 5% of all Americans die when they cannot find their way out of a golf bunker. 1% of all Americans cark it when their ball goes into the rough and they grow old and die looking for it. 12% of all lightning fatalities

in the US happen on a golf course. Reg. Yeah, I'm going with that. Yeah, that's a true one. Well done. Tiger Woods has played over 2 million rounds of golf. Sometimes plays golf for up to 23 hours a day. His first... Reg. Yeah, I'm going with that. 23 hours a day. His first time... Reg. Yeah, I'm going to go with that.

23 hours a day. No, I was going with the first part, a million rounds of golf. Two million rounds of golf. Yeah. No, neither is true. Really? Yeah.

But one more true than the other one, though, even though both of them are true. I don't know. I'd say he's probably got closer to playing 23 hours of golf on the trot than he has to two million rounds of golf. Really? What makes you say that other than your feelings?

Well... How many... Okay. I think... Right. How long does a round of golf take? You don't know, do you? No, I don't.

I'd say... I mean, obviously, for Tiger Woods, less time than other people. The best part of an afternoon. Which depends what you're doing for the rest of the afternoon. Okay, say two hours. It's actually closer to four. Okay, four hours. Yeah.

Times two million, that's eight million hours. I have a feeling that y'all are going to research this after the show, and then y'all are going to call me and go, Reg, we think you was right, and it's going to be too late then. I think if I weaken weaken now the whole structure will collapse so no no sorry his first televised game of golf was at the age of two when he was fined 12 000 us dollars for wearing a non-regulation bib his first hole in one was in florida at the age of three although he was keen to point out to officials that he was three and a half.

Shafi. I think it was true that he was three when he had his first hole-in-one. No, he's not. It wasn't true. Do you ever see him golf play? No. Okay.

I mean, he's, like, on TV for a few seconds. I mean, okay. Look, if you got, like, a quite small golf club for a three-year-old and put the hole quite near his foot and held his hand steady and gently pushed the ball into the hole. It might not be golf. I can tell you don't have children. All right then, well, you won, because I was just about to bring Jesus into the conversation.

I've just been working out the sum. Roughly, I think in order to have played two million rounds of golf Tiger Woods have to be thousands of years old that's a very very amazing ability to make your opinion sound like a fact thank you my girlfriend really In what other ways is he like your ex-girlfriend? Sounds quite authoritative when it really isn't necessary. Look, I don't see why you're having a go at me. I've never tried to have sex with you. Well, there's the problem right there. Sorry.

I think you've nailed it on the head, eh? Rudyard Kipling invented the game of snow golf, painting his balls red so they could be seen in the snow. Thank you, Rod. So, Rod, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Edward VII had a golf bag that was made from an elephant's penis.

It was a gift from an Indian Maharaja who'd heard the king liked golf and apparently it's a useful thing to make a golf bag out of. The second truth was that Tiger Woods' first televised game of golf was at the age of two on the Mike Douglas show and he hit a ball to the delight of Bob Hope. And the other truth was that Rudyard Kipling invented the game of snow golf, painting his balls red so they could be seen in the snow. So that means, Rod, you've scored three points.

We now turn to Reginald D. Hunter. Reg's arrival on the comedy circuit was a breath of fresh air, as we hadn't had a successful black comedian since before Richard Blackwood. Your subject, Reg, is the cat or house cat, a small, predatory, carnivorous mammal valued by humans for its companionship and its ability to hunt vermin. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Reg.

Reginald D. Hunter, lecture on cats. Yeah, I mean, that's true, isn't it? Yes, that's a definite point. Well done, Adam. The house cat, or chick pet, was first domesticated in Tottenham. In the United States, cats have gone beyond domestication, with several having their own TV shows, underground comic books, and product endorsements. Right.

I'm going to go with the, they've gone beyond domestication and their own TV shows, comic books, and things like that. No, they haven't. Top Cat? No, Top Cat's not a cat, he's a drawing. But he's a drawing of a cat. Yeah, that's a sort of drawing, not a sort of cat. A tiger is a sort of cat, a drawing of a cat is a sort of drawing, not a sort of cat. A tiger is a sort of cat. A drawing of a cat is a sort of drawing.

Yeah. Well, if I said, do you ever see cats on TV, you might think, oh, Top Cat, and I'd go, oh, no, that's a drawing. That'd be a bit harsh, wouldn't it? Is Top Cat a cat? No, he's not, he's a drawing. What Reg was saying is that cats have gone beyond domestication and now they're doing their own TV shows.

What I'm saying is anyone who watches Top Cat and says, oh, that's excellent, look at that level of feline brain development. How brilliant to see at last a cat is playing the lead in a major TV show. They need help. But you're twisting his words. No, I'm sorry, I'm not going to give you the point. Although I'm glad Top Cat'm not going to give you the point. All right. Although I'm glad Top Cat is so real for you.

Cats are lazy. They sleep 12 hours a day even when they are awake. They lie down as much as possible. What is amazing is that the same laziness that women love in cats, they despise in men. they despise in men. You turned this lecture on cats into therapy. When it comes to claiming the title of most popular pet in the world,

it is estimated that there are over 3 billion women living in some form of emotional denial. Shafi. Sorry, I didn't mean to. You didn't mean to, but... I meant emotional denial, and I sort of gripped a little bit too hard so as not to respond,

and it pressed the red button. She's Iranian. You have to keep buttons away from them. You have to keep buttons away from them. Says the American. Carry on, Reg. However, there are still some states where pets suffer discrimination. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to hold a broadcasting license,

gather in groups of more than five, or even have sex without a permit. Cats have played an important part in warfare, not least through the invention of the catapult. Rod, I believe that they've played an important part in warfare. What important part? They caught mice. They caught mice on ships in the Navy. That's what... That's right, because in World War II, those Nazi mice were getting unruly.

What about that cat in Shrek? He looks like he's seen a bit of action. It's very good to see that cat in Shrek get such a major part in a new movie as well. Cats, the cat-a-nine-tails, which was used to whip soldiers. That was used in war. Yeah, I'm going to give Rod a point just so we can move on. But I'd like also to point out that the cat-a-nine-tails is no more a real cat than his top cat. No. Cats have played an important part in warfare, not a real cat than its top cat. No.

Cats have played an important part in warfare, not least through the invention of the catapult. This device was developed by the Persians, who fired dozens of cats over walls of an Egyptian fort which they were besieging. The Egyptians quickly surrendered. In 1890, Liverpool was honored with the title of European City of the Cat. To celebrate this occasion, a gigantic wooden cat, like the Trojan horse, was trundled through the streets of Liverpool until its wheels were stolen.

The city council, anticipating a great rise in the demand for cats, ordered 18,000 from Egypt. When the cats arrived, they found they were mummified, so they sold them off as fertilizer. The poet Shelley was so fond of his cat, Fob, that once, as a special treat, he sent Fob flying by tying him to the tail of a kite and sending him up in a spectacular thunderstorm. Adam, that sounds plausible. Well, that is absolutely true, yes. Well, that is absolutely true, yes.

Shelley, actually, it wasn't his own cat, but a local tomcat that he tied it to a kite in order to investigate the effects of electricity on a living body. Carry on, Reg. Experiments to train cats to perform aerobics by rewarding them with jelly babies fail because cats can't actually taste sweets, much preferring the plant found in many gardens commonly known as marijuana. Ladies and gentlemen, cats. Yeah.

At the end of that round, Reg, you managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel, which are... Was the Egyptian one true about the cats? Yeah, which are that in Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. That's cats with cats and dogs with dogs.

Or cats with dogs, I assume. The second truth is that knowing how the Egyptians worshipped cats, the Persians threw dozens of them over the walls of an Egyptian fort they were besieging, and rather than risk injury to the cats in battle, the Egyptians quickly surrendered. And that is why, Rod, I gave you a bonus point for saying cats have been significant in warfare, because that is precisely an example of cats being significant in warfare, isn't it? Yes. And third truth was that in Liverpool in March 1820, 18,000 mummified cats imported from Egypt were auctioned off as fertiliser.

The bidding started at £3 per tonne, and the auctioneer used one of the cats' heads as a hammer. And fourth truth was that cats can't taste sweets, unlike every other mammal ever examined to date. Cats lack the ability to taste sweetness. So that means you've scored four points, Reg. The collective noun for kittens is a kindle, or more commonly, a sackful.

Tom Cruise is allergic to cats, which means without fear of legal action, I can say that Tom Cruise has a lifelong dread of pussy. It's now the turn of Shappy Corsandi. Shappy Corsandi is, of course, Persian for Sandy Toxvig. Your subject, Shappy, is tea, an aromatic beverage made from the cured leaves of the tea bush by the addition of hot or boiling water.

Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Shappi. The average builder puts 74 sugars in his tea. Iranians use ground watermelon seeds as it enriches the color and enhances the flavor. Tibetans put salt in their tea. That sounds about right. What does? The watermelon seeds.

No. Oh. No. Okay. You should try it. I'm going to go for the next bit. I'm going to anticipate and say that the Tibetans put salt in their tea is right. That is absolutely right.

Yeah, well done. Well done. Tea cooling down is a code used in geriatric hospital wards to indicate that a patient is about to die and the family must be informed. Rod. Yeah, let's go through on that one no no it is a lovely thought though i don't know have you seen mrs johnson in bed four i think her tea is cooling down the use of codes is common in hospitals so as not to alarm other patients

the expression cold tea syndrome is one used in hospitals by medical staff, usually to indicate that a geriatric patient has died. It refers to several cups of undrunk cold tea on the deceased person's bedside cabinet. Rod. I'm going to go true on that. Yeah, that's true. Cold tea syndrome is true. That's what they say when there are several cups of undrunk cold tea. That's how you know someone's dead about the NHS. It's good to know that the supply of tea doesn't stop coming just because you're dead.

I don't want to diss the NHS but surely there are much more scientific ways of working out if someone's dead. How much of NHS resources are wasted making tea for the dead? There are actually lots of examples of this kind of hospital slang. What happens if you just don't drink tea and they chuck you out?

People buried. I said coffee! Coffee, two sugars! I'm just not... There's no hope for them. Every year in Britain, there are about 100 cases of injury by teaspoon. Almost 40 people are admitted to hospitals for injuries involving tea cosies, and teapot-related deaths have risen to 300 per year. Adam.

I reckon there are probably 100 injuries relating to teaspoons in Britain every year. No, there aren't. Oh. Obviously, you know, you could go crazy this evening, Adam, and make that happen. If I were to kill or at least injure 300 people tonight with a teaspoon... I tell you, you can come back here, I'll give you a point.

Tea is actually more popular in America than coffee. However, it's not taken as a hot drink. When tea was first introduced there, American housewives served the tea leaves with butter after first throwing away the water in which they had been boiled. Around the world, rouse about the way a spouse makes tea is the second most frequent trigger of divorce proceedings,

the first being infidelity. In 2001, a Zambian man was granted a divorce after explaining that he went with another woman after finding a frog in a cup of tea his wife had made him. The judge agreed that that marriage could not be saved. Adam. I'm figuring we're getting near the end. Something's going to have to pop up that could well have been it.

You're absolutely right. And that is, in fact, the end of Shafi's lecture. You managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. Is that all? Yeah, sorry. That's quite a lot. Two? Okay.

That's quite a lot. Yes, I suppose actually two isn't that many. Two is quite a lot of aircraft carriers. That's a lot in any way. It's not a lot of grains of sand. Yeah, the two truths are, every year in Britain, almost 40 people are admitted to hospital for injuries involving tea cozies. It's not obviously, you know, it varies from year to year,

but in 2001, it was 37 people were injured by tea cozies. What kind of injuries? I think it's to do with them actually burning themselves because they think the tea cozy is protecting them from the heat of the teapot more than, in fact, it is. So it's really a teapot-related pot related thing no i think they would argue that were the cosy not there lulling them into a false sense of security the accident wouldn't have happened so who do you blame the pot of the cosy anyway 37 of them blame the cosy

um anyway that means shappy that you've scored two points. Tea for Two was the second most performed song ever after Happy Birthday to You, which is interesting because it means it only feels like it was Angels by Robbie Williams. Maybe I just think that because I've been to a lot of common people's funerals. Now it's the turn of Adam Hills. Adam had been working for ten years as a stand-up

before he made reference to his prosthetic foot, as he didn't want to be referred to as the one-legged comedian. So please welcome the comedian with one leg, Adam Hills. Your subject, Adam, is Adolf Hitler, German political and military leader and one of the 20th century's most powerful dictators. Off you go, Adam. The Berlin bunker where Hitler committed suicide is now a car park.

It is, in fact, the only themed car park in Berlin. You enter a level marked Poland, then a level called France, and so on and so forth. Yes? I'm going to go with the car park. You're right to do so. Yes, it is now a car park. Thank you. The rest of it, I think,

probably Adam made up. Really? You don't think the level marked Britain remains unoccupied? Upon exiting the car park, drivers are asked to place a replica cyanide pill into the mouth of an animatronic Goebbels. During his years of power, Adolf Hitler constantly restricted the way in which German films were made.

In 1938, he banned any film in which anyone of German descent fell over. Also, to protect family values, he stipulated that any woman character in a German film who broke up a marriage must die before the closing credits. Rod. The first one of those two things, please, about no German descent falling over. No, that's not true. Sorry. No, I realize that

as I said it. I had it wrong and I was going to go with any woman breaking up a marriage has to be put to death in the film. Do you want to go with that?

No, the way you look at it, no. All right. Okay. I'm a shot away from that. Okay. Was I smart to do that? I'll tell you at the end.

Formula One driver Damon Hill once performed in a band called Sex, Hitler and the Hormones. Hollywood star Keanu Reeves' band Dogstar was originally called Hitler with your rhythm stick. I think the one about,

the one before that was true, that Damon Hill was in a band called Sex, Hitler and the Hormones. Yes, you're absolutely right. Damon Hill was in a punk band called Sex, Hitler and the Hormones. And the Hormones, not the Go-Go's. Okay.

When a young Adolf Hitler was born, his surname was the third most popular surname in Germany. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. I believe it was popular back then. I don't think it was the third most popular. Well, how do you know? Because it doesn't say it's true on my sheet. It don't say it's not true, though, do it?

It heavily implies that. Adam. Before World War II, there were 200 Hitlers listed in the New York phone book, but after World War II, there were none. Reg. I'm going to go with that. No, that's nearly true. Damn!

There were, in fact, there were 22 Hitlers, or rather lots of trivia books say that there were 22 Hitlers in the New York phone book before World War II and none after, but not 200. Really? Really? So me missing it by, like, 120 or so just makes my point null and void there. But it pales into insignificance compared to how wrong you were

on how old Tiger Woods is. I think you should get a point for being more correct than usual. Yeah, I mean... When Adolf Hitler was in power in Germany, it was illegal for any domesticated animal to be called Adolf. An exception was made for dogs, but only if one of their testicles was removed

beforehand. Not only did Hitler and General Franco have one ball, but researchers in Houston, Texas, recently proved that having one testicle can lead to delusions of world domination. It is for this reason that Jeremy Clarkson is assumed to have one testicle. Thank you, Adam.

And you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which were that, yes, Hitler did stipulate, as Reg suspected, that any woman character in a German film who broke up a marriage must die before the closing credits. That was very disingenuous technique of you as chairman, then. What? You went, are you going with that, are you? I genuinely thought I said, are you going with that are you i put him i

genuinely thought i said are you going with that are you there was a shift in sarcasm in the way you said it there's a sarcasm in the way i say everything yeah it's a it's a sort of sneering tone i've been unable to iron out of my voice with disastrous consequences for my social life the other second truth was that when Adolf Hitler was in power in Germany it was illegal for any domesticated animal to be called Adolf. I was going to go for that. It was contained in an edict issued by Himmler,

commander of the SS in 1943, to combat anti-Nazi humour. And both Hitler and General Franco had one ball. I mean, they had two between them. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Adam Hills.

In third place, with minus one point, it's Shappi Korsandi. And our joint winners on no points each are Reginald D. Hunter and Rod Gilbert. That's about it for this week from the Pleasance Theatre here at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth.

Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden The Unbelievable Truth. Goodbye!