The Unbelievable Truth - 04x02 Baldness, Winston Churchill, Urine, Dwarves

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

04x02 12 October 2009 Clive Anderson, Henning Wehn, Fi Glover, Dom Joly Baldness, Winston Churchill, Urine, Dwarves

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on Truth and Lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the best panel game on Radio 4 about truth and lies that I host. Joining me tonight to blend fact and fiction like a network rail schedule of repairs are Dom Jolly, Fee Glover, Henning Vane and Clive Anderson. Here's how it works. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their

opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points Thank you. woodland to grow long at the coasts and then combing it across the midlands. Coincidentally, Clive, your subject is baldness. Defined by my dictionary as the loss or thinning of hair as a result of illness, functional disorder or genetic predisposition. Off you go, Clive. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. It's a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a full head of hair is much less sexually attractive to women than a man who is bald or balding. The heads of Clive James, Clive Sinclair, Clive Woodward and me

proved that everybody called Clive sooner or later goes bald. And possibly everybody called Anderson. The actress Gillian Anderson was voted the girl most likely to go bald by her high school classmates. I am, of course, not really bald, merely taller than my hair. Scientists believe that the hair on our head

serves no evolutionary purpose whatsoever. Well, bald ones do. Fee? Well, I think that's probably true. That scientists believe that hair has no evolutionary purpose we're not going balder further down the generations through evolution are we we're not going to go any balder well sorry no i don't think they think that uh hair serves no evolutionary

purpose i'm afraid i think it's it's sort of useful. I tug my fallop to you then. Thank you very much. I'd tug mine back if I had one, but there it is. Don't tug too hard. Almost all of our kings have been virtually hairless. None of the Stuart or Hanoverian monarchs had much hair under their elaborate wigs. In contrast, the Tudor kings all had masses of curly red hair, even though, as is well known, red-haired men are more likely to go bald than anyone else.

Tsar Paul I of Russia went as far as to issue a decree that anyone who mentioned his baldness in his presence would be sentenced to death. Beheading would be best, no doubt. A little off the top, Your Majesty. The 9th century king of France, who was father of Louis the Stammerer and the grandfather of Charles the Simple, was actually called Charles the Bald. It wasn't a name he would have chosen, but apparently there was already Charles the Brave, Charles the Particularly Well-Hung, and Charles the Deaf, so it doesn't matter what we call him.

Fee? Well, I think given all of that, he probably was Charles the Bald. Yes, he was Charles the Bald. There was a king called Charles the Bald. OK, now, in show business, it's a little known fact that Yul Brynner lost his hair in a late-night game of poker with Robert Vaughan and

some friends of Frank Sinatra. Elton John's wig is kept in place by a thin layer of sticky toffee pudding. And Sean Connery didn't wear a wig to play James Bond, but shaved his head to appear incognito in real life. Incidentally, the expression bald as a coot is inappropriate,

as coots are in fact a bank. A simple cure for... Done. Well, coots is a bank. There is a bank called coots, but is that the same coot as bald as a coot? I mean, how are you spelling coots? It's not spelt like that. I am spelling it C-O-O-T-S, which I think I enunciated quite clearly,

whereas coots, the bank, has got a U in it. So how would you say the two that make them different? Coots. Coots. Coots. Coots. Oh, coats. Coats.

That's you saying coats now. Yeah. So the Queen Banks are coots. Let's go under those Coats to look after my money. So you're applying for a point? Of course. Coots is a bank, isn't it? That's true.

Can you stop advertising Coots? You get into loads of trouble. They've got very good interest rates. I have to say that other excellent banks like Excellent Banks in this country that we've heard a lot about. Don't we have Excellent Banks in this country excellent banks we used to have they all went bankrupt about a year ago i don't yeah but coots give you checkbooks with animals on them do they yeah do coots do a checkbook with a coot on it a bald coot a bald coot on a coot check no of course they don't that's ridiculous

it's a bird it's a it's a water bird is? It has a sort of light head, so it looks from a distance, so it's bald. But it isn't. It's got feathers on there. It's just a hair. A bit like me. I look bald from a distance. On television, I look bald. On radio, I've got a full head of hair. Well, I think I'll give you a point. Thank you very much. Coots is a bank.

Thank you. Shall I carry on? A simple cure for baldness is to have your testicles removed. Castrated men are never bald. Or if you prefer, you could always wear a hat. Or just get used to it. After a while, baldness grows on you, even if nothing else does. Thank you, Clive.

So, Clive, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel, which is, frankly, a bit showy. And they are that the actress Gillian Anderson was voted girl most likely to go bald by her high school classmates. She was apparently voted girl most likely to go bald because of her extravagant hairdos when she was a young punk at school and people thought with that amount of hair dyeing and gel and hairspray that it would make her go bald

but it hasn't and they were wrong and the second truth is that red-haired men are more likely to go bald than anyone else and this is just because they have fewer hairs than anyone else on average about 90 000 hairs whereas people with brown or blonde hair have 140,000 hairs. Third truth, Tsar Paul I of Russia went as far as to issue a decree that anyone who mentioned his baldness in his presence would be sentenced to death. And the fourth truth is that a simple cure for baldness is to have your testicles removed. As long as you're castrated before puberty, you won't go bald. So, you know, that's a silver lining for you. And that means, Clive, that you won't go bald. So, you know, that's a silver lining for you. And that means,

Clive, that you've scored four points. According to a recent study, men suffering from baldness are at a greater risk of sudden heart attack. This is due to the number of people leaping out at them and shouting, Oi, slaphead! Okay, we turn now to Henning Vane. Henning is often billed as the German comedy ambassador to the United Kingdom, a

title that he marched in and took for himself. Your subject, Henning, is Winston Churchill, the British statesman, soldier and author best known for his leadership of the United Kingdom during World War II. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Henning. Winston Churchill was born many moons ago in a ladies' cloakroom. His mother was initially unable to retrieve him as she had left a cloakroom ticket in her tennis bag at Villerson Civic Sports Centre. Her locker key for Villerson Civic Sports Centre she left with the platform guard at Charing Cross, who in the meantime had been called up to join the light brigade at Balaclava.

While Lady Spencer went on this extended treasure hunt, young Winston was raised by the cloakroom attendant and her wolves. Perhaps it was as a result of the circumstances of his birth that Churchill harboured a strong suspicion of the levity seat. He had them for his guests, but when his plumber asked him what sort of seat he would have on his own lavatory, he responded, I have no need of such things. Churchill hated school at Eton, where he and Bruce Forsyth were made to fag for Otto von Bismarck,

Eton, where he and Bruce Forsyth were made to fag for Otto von Bismarck, which imbued in him a hatred of all things Prussian. His social standing at school only improved when he found that, having become bold at the age of 12, he was able to buy alcohol at the corner shop. He later shared the governess with Clement Edley, who taught him the art of punch and Judy puppetry. When Edley won the election in 1951, Churchill burned his puppets in his one and only fit of depression. Page two. That's true. That's true. Clive.

That's true. He has just turned on to page two. Yes, this is unprecedented. On the basis that people aren't challenging much for Henning, I think to encourage that, I'm going to give Clive a point. There's something about the way you're delivering this that is very implausible. Yeah, no, it makes it very hard for people to understand what I actually say. It's a winning tactic. Carry on.

Just in case Churchill might suffer another fit of depression, he did not allow himself to stand at the edge of railway platforms in case he jumped under a train. Clive? I think he did suffer from depression, so maybe he didn't stand near the edge of a platform in case he felt like throwing himself off the platform. Is that my right? That is absolutely true. Well done.

After becoming MP for Degenham, Rushden and Diamonds in 1912, Churchill spent ten years in the wilderness, where his lupine upbringing was invaluable. He was eventually found in a cave near Leon C, and asked to take over the prime ministership from Neville Neville Neville, the father of Neville Neville, himself the father of the disappointingly named Gary and Phil. After the war, which we are not going into here,

Churchill considered joining the Catholic faith to gain absolution for his various war crimes. Done. I think he did consider becoming a Catholic. I think there was a bit of guilt, a bit like Blair after his... I'd say the war Churchill got involved in sort of reflected better on him than the one Blair did. In general, as a policy...

I still think there might have been a little bit of doubt. That's actually been applauded as if it's a sort of right-on remark. OK, well, maybe he was thinking back to Gallipoli. That was a delayed reaction. Delayed Gallipoli. Yeah, delayed, or DGGs, it's known as. The Second World War was a much quicker war than the Iraq War or the Afghan War.

It sort of was a world war and just came and went fine. Five years and a clear victory. I'm sure that's how everyone felt in 1945. Blimey, that wasn't quick. Or a bit of trice, really. That's what I'm puzzled about. Maybe it wasn't guilt Churchill felt. Maybe he was just bored because he wasn't Prime Minister anymore and there was no war

and there was no Germans to bash, no offence. And, you know, he just thought, maybe I should become a Catholic. It's a great thing if you're bored. They should use that in their slogans. Bored? Become a Catholic. Nevertheless, neither as a result of boredom or guilt did he contemplate Catholicism. Buddhism?

No. All right, I'll leave it. Because he contemplate Catholicism? Buddhism? No. All right, I'll leave it. Because he looked like Buddha. He did a bit. Yes. He's like the missing link between Buddha and the Toby jug. Buddha didn't smoke cigars, though, as far as I know. No.

I can't believe he's not Buddha. Eddie, carry on. Yeah. Anyone in need of points? Page three. Excellent. It's on page three. Page three.

Well, that was very good. I mean, Kenny seems very happy for me to have a point there. It's obviously war guilt. I'll take it. Go ahead. I'll take it. You have a point, yes. No, I just don't understand what's happening around me here, really.

I went to that foreign language lesson, and then now I'm here. God knows. That's how we get a lot of panellists. In his later years, Churchill holidayed at Butlins in Minehead to show his support for the working class. His son Rudolf enjoyed it so much that he briefly became a redcoat and even had a cameo appearance on Heidi High and named his daughter Sue Paula Churchill.

Onsetting dementia led to him inventing several new words, including cutopia, a word to describe communist countries where people cute out of necessity rather than the sheer joy of it. Other words he invented include scalability, fuzzy logic, and geyser birds. When death approached, Churchill followed his wolf instincts by taking himself off to die in the woods. Churchill's body was never found, and his funeral procession, the coffin, actually contained only his collection of needlepoint magazines. Thank you, Henning.

And at the end of that round, you, Henning, have also managed to smuggle four truths past everyone else. The first one was that Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' cloakroom. It was during a ball at Blenheim Palace, and it's reported that Lady Churchill was performing a pirouette when her labour began. She passed out on her way to her bedroom, was taken into a temporary ladies' cloakroom, and there had Churchill, in a sense, gave birth to.

The second truth is Churchill harboured a strong suspicion of the lavatory seat. And yes, when a plumber asked him what sort of seat he would have on his own lavatory, he responded, I have no need of such things. He was also renowned for not washing his hands after using the toilet. It's reported he was once reprimanded by an old Etonian who said, at Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the lavatory, to which Churchill replied, at Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands. Third truth was that Churchill had the same governess as Clement Attlee

the lady was called Miss Hutchinson and teaching Winston Churchill was clearly no easy task one commentator writes Churchill's resistance to education began with his first lesson when he found it necessary to ring for the maid and order take away Miss Hutchinson she is very cross and fourth truth being that Churchill invented the word

Q-topia to describe communist countries where there invented the word Q-topia to describe communist countries where there's loads of Q-ing and that means, Henning, you've managed to score four points Right, it's now the turn of Fee Glover Fee is the host of Radio 4's Saturday morning show, Saturday Live Sadly, I rarely get to listen to it as it clashes with the extreme sports snowboarding show on Sky Sports 3. Thanks. Your subject, Fi, is urine. The clear, amber-coloured fluid formed by the kidneys that carries metabolic wastes out of the body. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Fi. Cat's eyes are not the only feline aid to the nocturnal

traveller. Pathfinders among native North American tribes would carry a pouch of cat's urine to mark their way because cat's urine glows in the dark. However... Kenny. That's true, isn't it? That it glows in the dark. That is absolutely true. Well done.

What? Yeah. Have you seen it? I've seen it. I've seen a cat. It doesn't glow in the dark. Yes, it does. It doesn't. Every cat.

You haven't been looking carefully enough. This is great. I've got a black cat. Honestly, he goes out at night and I can't find him, so now... Yeah, I mean, it's not like a strip light. What do you mean it glows? Well, apparently, fresh cat urine glows green while dried cat urine glows yellow. And if you have a cat and want to play this at home,

it's easily done by purchasing some cat urine cleaner, which usually comes with a stain detective black light. Simply darken the room and watch the stains glow. So, well done, Henning. You should give out the action line number. It's what we do on Saturday Live. If there's ever a tricky topic. Really?

Because people are worried. Have we got an action line number? The action line number for anyone worried about the cats you're in and wants to waste police time is 999. Just dial 999 and say, all of them. And fast. There's an ill burglar on fire. Shall I carry on?

Do, do. The American government in World War II instructed pilots in the Pacific to eat asparagus so that any pilot who found himself stranded could simply urinate into the sea and wait for the strong chemical attractants from the asparagus to attract the fish. For the same reason, workers at the Carlsberg Brewery are required to eat asparagus daily to detect any impurities that may find their way into the lager.

Henning? Yeah, I think with the soldiers, that might be true. The American soldiers had to eat asparagus. Yes, that is true. What? Well done. Apparently, normal human urine can attract fish on its own. It's believed to be particularly attractive to saltwater bass.

Human saliva is attractive to catfish. Catfish, does its pee glow in the dark? I mean, it must be, basically, because a catfish catfish does its pee glow in the dark as if i mean it must be basically because because a catfish i mean i'm no scientist but i think a catfish is like a cat mermaid isn't it um so yes that would be true if you'd buzzed in on that i've decided um but yes so they were told to eat asparagus in the hope that they'd be able to attract more fish with their asparagus-y wee. If you're finding your way through the Indian jungle and suddenly smell the enticing aroma of buttered popcorn, chances are it's a tiger marking the trees with its urine, whose smell is uncannily similar.

At the Joshua Tree Gym in Palo Alto, California, they have an annual Go Mama urine holding contest, which is only open to women who've had at least three children. They have to drink, some in the audience today, they have to drink four litres of water within the space of an hour, and the last person to wee as the winner, she gets a lifetime of free Pilates classes. Oh, go on. Let's say that's true. Just for the fun of it, say go on. Is that true? No.

It ought to be, though. It ought to be. It's a great scheme, Clive, isn't it? I would be signing up to that. Pelvic floor, pelvic mezzanine, it happens. When Laplanders... I'm just carrying on. When Laplanders consume a mushroom known as fly agaric, they'll often urinate into a pot so their friends can then drink the urine and experience the same hallucinogenic effects.

Be honest, would you fall for that at a party? And in the animal kingdom, the flying fox or fruit bat uses short bursts of urine to steer as it glides between trees. Darn. I'm wrong on every one but I think they do do that you use bursts of urine to stick I think they're using a sort of

I know they fly between but I have always wondered how they change direction and I reckon they use the power of P so come on if you were parachuting do you think you could use we to avoid a tree yes you probably could. OK, it's not sounding likely now.

No, it's not true. But I'd love to see those creatures. I thought I had, but I must have been quite drunk. And finally, a mother sea leopard will warm her cubs by urinating on them, while on the other hand, to keep cool, the ostrich, the only bird able to pee, urinates down its own legs. The same excuse fails miserably when used in a crowded tube train, as I know from bitter experience.

Thank you, Phoebe. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that tiger urine does smell uncannily like buttered popcorn. Second truth is that when Laplanders consume a mushroom known as fly agaric, they will often urinate into a pot so that their friends can then drink the urine and experience the same hallucinogenic effects. That's very good.

That's a very good way of recycling stuff. I mean, you could do that with alcohol as well, couldn't you? Come on, David, have a drink after the show. Let's all have the same drink one after another. And then the third truth that Fee smuggled is that the ostrich is the only bird able to pee. Every other bird is just sort of, it's all mixed up on your car. With also some Tippex in it, usually why. So that means, Fi, you've scored three points. Thank you very much. Now it's the turn of Dom Jolly.

Dom was born in Beirut and briefly attended the same school as Osama bin Laden. Here we go again. I said that once. Here we go again. It's just a simple, unremarkable fact that I went to school with Osama bin Laden and people mention it again and again go again. Just the simple, unremarkable fact that I went to school with Osama bin Laden and people mention it again and again.

It was sort of like I hung out with him playing conkers or drawing big buildings. I mean, you know, I didn't meet him. It would be more remarkable if he was your best mate. But how different history might have been if Osama's idea for a prank TV show with a giant phone hadn't been stolen by a spotty first year. Oh, well.

Your subject, Dom, is dwarfs, individuals who are much below the ordinary stature or size for their ethnic group or species. Off you go, Dom. Since time began, everybody has been fascinated by dwarfs. There are what appear to be some in two cave paintings outside Orange in France. The ancient Egyptians were very fond of them. They felt that having one in your household would bring luck and ward off disease. The Romans felt a little differently and regularly had dwarves and women fighting against one another in the Colosseum. In the 8th century AD, a colony of warrior dwarves briefly ruled a large stretch of North Africa.

And there seems to be an extreme theme of aggression in early dwarf history. The most famous dwarf spy was Richebourg, who at less than two feet tall, was able to carry secret dispatches in and out of Paris, disguised as a baby in his nurse's arms. In England, things won't look too good for dwarfs when Prince Charles eventually becomes king. If his forebears were anything to go by, William Evans, an eight-foot giant in the retinue of King Charles I,

would carry a dwarf in his pocket whenever he came to court. And this combination of giant and dwarf that is recorded very much amused the king. This was not all... Charles... Something must be true in all this, so It is recorded very much amused the king this was not all Charles What's I must be true in all this so why not that is big format?

Some big bloke when a dwarf in his pocket. I'll go for that as a possible truth. Yes, that's absolutely right But this was not all Charles the first favourite joke was to place his court dwarf, 18 inches tall Geoffrey Hudson, between two halves of a loaf of bread and pretend to eat him. I can't wait to see what Japes King Charles III will get up to with Sandy Toksvig once he gets in power. In the 20th century, the best place to have been a dwarf was without doubt Finland, where they were granted special status and allowed to both own handguns and drive cars without a license.

They were not, however, permitted to wear a sailor hat during the May Day festivities. The Actors' Union in the United States already has 32,000 dwarfs on their books, and two of them have won Oscars. Despite the numbers available, Walt Disney couldn't find seven suitable dwarfs for his proposed live-action movie, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and had to rethink the whole project. Nobody now remembers the names of those seven dwarfs, but some of the monikers that Walt Disney rejected in the development process included included biggie-wiggie, flabby, chesty and awful. Ironically, Walt Disney himself was actually dwarf-phobic and would become incontinent in their presence. Thank you, Dom. You also managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel

with very little buzzing, actually. You just sounded totally implausible throughout. The first was that the Romans regularly had dwarves and women fighting against one another in the Colosseum, apparently under the Emperor Domitian. The most famous dwarf spy was Richebourg, who used to carry secret dispatches by essentially disguising himself as a baby. The third truth was that Charles I's favourite joke was to place his caught dwarf

between two halves of a loaf and pretend to eat him. That is a good trick, that. Yeah. And the fourth truth is that some of the names that Walt Disney rejected for the dwarfs included Biggie Wiggie, Flabby, Chesty and Awful. I love Awful. They also included Crabby, Daffy, Silly, Dippy, Dumpy, Gaspy, Tearful and my favourite, Dirty.

I would love it if they'd been Dirty the dwarf. So, Dom, that means you've scored four points. That's good. Come back to zero now. I would love it if they'd been dirty, the dwarf. So, Dom, that means you've scored four points. That's good. Come back to zero now. Geoffrey Hudson, a dwarf at the court of Charles I, enjoyed entertaining the king by popping out of large pastries. I say enjoyed.

It was humiliating, but at least he was in show business. A bit like Timmy Mallet. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with no points, we have Dom Jolly. Thank you very much. In third place, with four points, it's Fee Glover. But in joint first place, with six points each, it's Henning Vane and Clive Anderson.

That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Dom Jolly, Henning Vein, Pete Glover and Clive Anderson. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.