The Unbelievable Truth - 05x01 Childbirth, Beer, Sleep, Sir Isaac Newton

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

05x01 29 March 2010 Marcus Brigstocke, Henning Wehn, Lucy Porter, Graeme Garden Childbirth, Beer, Sleep, Sir Isaac Newton

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. You join us at the start of our very fifth series. It's the show with more lying than any other show that I work on, apart from Would I Lie To You and The Bubble. Here to help fact and fiction mingle like awkward adolescents at a school disco are Marcus Brigstock, Henning Vane, Graham Garden, and Lucy Porter. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely

false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Marcus Brigstock. According to his bioc, Marcus appears on the science-based quiz What in the World? on Channel 5. Though, of course, we only have his word for that.

Marcus, your subject is childbirth, defined by my dictionary as the culmination of a human pregnancy with the birth of one or more newborn infants from a woman's uterus. Off you go, Marcus. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. In humans, the process of childbirth takes around seven minutes. Any longer and you're probably showing off or you've left your tights on. any longer and you're probably showing off or you've left your tights on. You can comfort a child by showing it receipts for expensive things you've bought it,

getting a large rhesus monkey to whoop at it or faxing it messages of support. According to a study, a three-month-old fetus in the womb is most likely to vote Republican. Newborn babies can scream louder than 8,000 JLS fans. Babies practise screaming inside the mother with the bubbles of sound appearing from the mother in the form of musical burps. Graham. I bet they do practise screaming because they probably know what's in store.

I don't think they do, but how would they practise? Their lungs don't work, do they? I mean, you're the doctor, Graham, so you could essentially either overrule me here or get struck off. If their lungs worked, you would hear them. So they just practise without actually breathing out. So it's a kind of silent scream like you do sort of when Chris Moyles is on or that sort of thing.

Well, I don't think that's true, Graham. Sorry. Marcus. Most babies cry in the key of A, putting all of Barry White's catalogue out of reach until they are one. A doula or birth partner will often attend the conception as well as the birth in order to support the mum throughout the entire process. New mothers are highly flammable and enjoy sudden and loud surprises

there have been several recorded cases of babies that have been delivered through the rectum which i think you'll agree is a better way to enter the world than leave by other methods of well isn't it other methods yes lucy that's so disgusting that it might be true it is true yes well done yes this is why i don't want to do it there's nothing that marcus is saying is making me want to have a baby you realize well most of what he's saying is lies but that bit is true yes um no it's called technically known as a third or fourth degree episiotomy ah yes no no more details thanks incidentally when you say it's a better way to enter the world than to leave it by do many people leave the world up rectums

there was a chap at my boarding school who there could be some terrible accident in a human pyramid. Yes. What kind of circuses are you going to? Other methods of delivery have included via the mouth, the navel and a cardo. included via the mouth, the navel and a cardo. Newborn babies are available in small, venti and grandi.

Babies can weigh up to 30 stone if you don't weigh them within the first 15 years of life. The heaviest baby ever recorded at birth weighed over 22 pounds and his name was simply Ouch. Lucy. 22 pounds. Could that be a baby a baby again it's going to put me off it's a very big baby yes but it was supposedly the biggest ever recorded so it's not going to be a medium-sized baby no no um yes no that is absolutely true according to the guinness book of records carmelina fidele of italy set the world record for having the heaviest baby in 1955 when she gave birth to a 22 pound eight ounce boy and all of the women in the first three rows have just crossed their legs babies have that new baby smell sprayed on them by the midwife just after delivery

different countries have developed their own ways to prevent conception. In Mexico, it's thought that dipping your genitals in tequila can prevent unwanted pregnancies. In Hungary, they use a musical condom that plays the communist song, Arise Ye Worker. And in Britain, two of the more effective methods include appearing on the Jeremy

Kyle show and pot luck. Breastfeeding is illegal in certain parts of middle america lucy just finally that being the case breastfeeding is illegal is it was it the reference to middle america anything is plausible i just heard middle america illegal and went yeah that would do yeah i'm afraid no that's not true sorry it was the mexican tequila thing wasn't it henny yeah that's what i just beeped for the mexican tequila thing i wasn't it? Henning? Yeah, that's what I just beeped for, for the Mexican tequila thing. I don't know if we're allowed to do that.

Well, you're a bit late for the Mexican tequila thing, I'm afraid. But, all right, I'll let you guess. You were wrong, you lose a point. See how kind I am. Marcus, that's the end of your lecture. Thank you very much. At the end of that,

Marcus, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that you can comfort a child by getting a large rhesus monkey to whoop at it. A Canadian research team recently found that up to the age of three months, newborn humans respond almost as positively

to the calls of rhesus monkeys as they do to their mother's voice. I don't know how they got round to trying that we've tried everything else let's try the rhesus monkey second truth is that most babies cry in the key of a the third truth is that in hungary they use a musical condom that plays the communist song, A Righty Worker. Which was unveiled or unrolled in 1996. So, Marcus, that means you scored three points. Queen Victoria was the first woman to be given chloroform to aid childbirth, but not the first to be given it to aid conception.

According to recent research, Britain's sperm banks are now reporting dangerously low levels of supplies. Can't we make anything in this country anymore? Okay. We're not going to have to bail those banks out, are we? I mean, that's a pretty big ask for the taxpayer, isn't it? Absolutely. What on earth would that mean for a double-dip recession? OK, we turn now to Henning Weyn. Henning was born in the German town of Hagen, a mere 150 miles from Berlin,

as anyone who's flown EasyJet to Berlin will know. Your subject, Henning, is beer, an alcoholic beverage made by brewing and fermentation from cereals, usually malted barley and flavoured with hops. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Henning. Beer was invented by Jesus... ..in the year 1 AD. After growing...

Any takers? After growing tired of the wine hangovers brought on by nights out with the carpentry guild, which will always end up at the Spearmint Rhino in Galilee. The art of brewing moved across Europe and continued to have religious significance. St. Ptolemy of Utrecht had a vision of Jesus gathering hops and St. Bridget of Kildare could transform her used bathwater into beer.

Graham. I think I've tasted some of that. That's almost certainly true. I think Bridget of kildare's bath water yeah yes that is absolutely true well done yes she says it's probably the best known irish saint after saint patrick saint bridget is noted for the miracle of changing her dirty bathwater into beer for visiting clerics. It's quite a dirty miracle, that, isn't it? They've done the miracle before, apparently by turning the bathwater in a leper colony into beer. I imagine that would be quite a rich ale. Ooh, croutons.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I like my pint to have a head on it, but really... By Tudor times, everyone in Britain was off their trolley on beer because water was poisonous and there was nothing on the telly. But rather than do something about the water, Henry VII created the beer tax, legalised cholera, and gave out free imodium. His successor, Henry VIII,

became aggravated at the degree of fornication going on under the influence of beer. Any servant who impregnated a mate had to go without beer for one month. Lucy. Sorry, I think, yeah, let's say that's true. Yes, that is absolutely true. Well done.

Well done. Regulation stipulated such pages as cause maids of the king's household to become mothers shall go without beer for a month. In 1814, the London Beer Flo flood destroyed two houses and killed nine people, including unlucky Clive, who had just moved there from Cockermouth. Nowadays, the world's beer capital is Germany. Germany is even host to a unique species of flea that has been found only in the environment

of German beer mats. That's absolutely true. Yes, it is absolutely true. Yes. They beat pork scratching. The highlight of the Munich Oktoberfest is the appointment of the Bierkönig, or Beer King,

who must remain inebriated for 12 months without repeating the same story. One long-forgotten Bierkönig was Herr Hitler, who held the title in 1921 and who had extensively practised with Tennant Special. 1921 and who had extensively practiced with Tennant Special. His nemesis, Winston Churchill, preferred Carlsberg Special Brew, which was created for him on the behest of the Danish government. He drank a lot of it in his wilderness years while holding a sign reading, we'll create a coalition government for money. create a coalition government for money. Nowadays, beer drinkers in Britain and Germany have to

unite against the twin dangers of Gordon Brown's pub closure program and Angela Merkel's crystal meth racket. Thank you, Henning. And Henning, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in 1814, the London Beer Flood destroyed two houses and killed nine people.

Basically, a huge tank of beer in a Tottenham Court Road brewery ruptured, creating a giant wave containing over a million litres of beer, which crashed through the building's 25-foot brick wall, destroyed two houses, drowned a lot of people, and hundreds of people ran outside with lots of pots and pans, and some people even stopped to lap up the beer from the gutters. So that was true. And also, the other truth was that Carlsberg's Special Brew

was created for Winston Churchill. According to Carlsberg's website, Special Brew was originally brewed for Winston Churchill. According to Carlsberg's website, Special Brew was originally brewed for Winston Churchill. His visit to Copenhagen in 1950 was commemorated with a Special Brew produced in his honour. That means, Henning, you've scored two points. Carlsberg's Special Brew was indeed created

as a thank you to Churchill from Denmark for Britain's help in the war. And appropriately, it's now drunk in shop doorways by ex-soldiers. For beer commercials, they add liquid detergent to the beer to make it foam more. Or in the case of American beer, to improve the taste. Right, it's now the turn of Lucy Porter. Lucy recently appeared on Mock the Week, where she played the role of woman trying to get a word in edgeways. Your subject, Lucy, is sleep,

a naturally recurring state of relatively suspended sensory and motor activity characterised by total or partial unconsciousness and the inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Lucy. Humans are the only animals to sleep on their backs. The only other animal that snores is the spider, but don't worry about being disturbed. In order to be able to detect the sound with the human ear, you'd need 4,000 house spiders in one room, in which case you probably wouldn't be getting a very good night's sleep anyway sorry it's going back to beyond the spiders i was just desperately trying to think of any other animal that i've seen sleeping on its back

and i'm not sure there are any so i think that might be true yes that is true yes well done no other animal lies on its back for any length of time except in a temporary assumption of a supine position. Animals never sleep, lie or hibernate on their backs. Dolphins sleep by shutting down one half of their brain and the opposite eye at the same time. American endurance artist and tool David Blaine claims to have mastered this technique. Marcus.

It's true that David Blaine is a tool. It is true that he's a tool, but I would say that Lucy was not asserting that as a fact. She was just saying it was in the subclause. There wasn't a... Henning. I think the dolphins bit might be true. That is absolutely right.

The dolphins one is true, as well as David Blaine being a tool. Yes, because they need to periodically come up for air and keep an eye out for potential predators, they basically don't sleep like we sleep, they half-sleep. They're perpetually half-asleep. Or half-asleep a lot of the time. Like the House of Lords.

The average person today sleeps for a mere five and a half hours, whereas in 1900 a normal night's sleep was nine hours. At the Isle of Wight Music Festival in 2003,

there was a mass sleeping epidemic. No one knows what caused it, but bystanders were astonished by the wave of narcolepsy that saw 200 people

fall to the ground simultaneously during the third number by David Gray. The band REM are not, as is popularly believed, named after a phase of sleep. Michael Stipe actually chose the name as a tribute to corporate mascot Ronald McDonald

after discovering that the character's middle name was Endeavour, just like Inspector Morse. The earwig is so-called because it was thought that they crawled into your ears when you were asleep. Less well-known but with similar etymological basis are the nose worm and bum spider. Graham. Well, the nose worm, I mean, for a start, no, that's not true.

I'm sure the earwig was called that because people did think it crawled into your ear when you were asleep. Yes, that is why it's called the earwig well done but the the ram bit that might be true ronald endeavor mcdonald well it's music bands they tour and all they eat is fast food. So they have got their very close... I'm pretty sure from the look of him that Michael Stipes are vegan.

Are you actually buzzing in on me? Yes, you are. It's a bit late to buzz in on me. But the last time you deducted me a point when I buzzed three minutes late, that was okay to deduct a point. Do you want me to extend you the same favour on this occasion? Well, only...

I'll ask you that. Only if it's a fact. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. That's not the way it goes. Yeah, come on, double or nothing, yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, I'm sorry. I'm afraid it's nothing, because that's likely, though it sounds,

that Michael Stipe would have named REM after wrong old Endeavour McDonald. Many famous people have suffered from insomnia and developed their own cures. Indian cricketer Sakhin Tendulkar famously cannot sleep unless he is listening to a high-pitched noise. He has various different recordings, including the sound of a kettle boiling, a dog whistle,

and Sarah Brightman singing the high E at the end of Phantom of the Opera. W.C. Fields... Marcus. Yeah, I'll have a go at that, the high-pitched noise. I think that's probably true. It's not true. I'm sorry. Yeah, well, I only said probably, so...

LAUGHTER See, I only put that in because I've never heard of any cricketers, and I thought if I do that, then boys might think I'm telling the truth, cos it's got a cricketer in it, and it worked. No, I've never heard of any cricketers either, but the moment you said the word Sarah Brightman, I wanted to press something. I don't know what that means.

Good, it's not for you. WC Fields could only get to sleep under a beach umbrella while being sprinkled with a garden hose, and Piers Morgan can only get to sleep with an intravenous drip pumping the tears of children directly into his veins. Thank you, Lucy. And, Lucy, at the end of that round, you've also managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else, which are that in 1900, a normal night's sleep was nine hours long, which I thought was sort of bland enough

that you might have guessed, but no. And the other truth is that W.C. Fields, who was a terrible insomniac, and the only way he could get to sleep sometimes was under a beach umbrella while being sprinkled with a garden hose. But that means, Lucy, you've scored two points. garden hose but that means lucy you've scored two points one famous insomniac is gwyneth paltrow her chronic struggles to get to sleep may at least

explain why she married the lead singer of coldplay now it's the turn of graham garden graham developed the format for tonight's show and also co-owns the company that makes it so please welcome tonight's winner and also co-owns the company that makes it. So please welcome tonight's winner, Graham Garland. Your subject, Graham, is Sir Isaac Newton, English philosopher, physicist, mathematician and theologian and formulator of the hugely influential law of gravitation. Off you go, Graham. When Isaac Newton was a little baby, he never slept at all until the age of five. To solve this problem, his mother hung six steel balls above Newton's cradle and set them in motion, hoping it would help him to sleep. It worked because inevitably one of the steel balls would hit him on the head.

Isaac Newton always wanted to be a ballet dancer, but he dropped out of school early because his mother wanted him to be a farmer. Marcus. Yes, I think it's possible he dropped out of school early because his mother wanted him to be a farmer. Marcus. Yes, I think it's possible he dropped out of school early because his mother was keen for him to be a farmer. Yes, that's absolutely true. Wow. After

spending many happy years farming aubergines just outside Clitheroe, Newton started a brewery with his neighbour, Josiah Ridley, and indeed... LAUGHTER ..Newton and Ridley beers are still popular

in the north of England to this day. One day, he saw an apple fall from a tree and it set him wondering about the force acting upon it. Henning. Yeah, that's true. Yes, that is absolutely true. Damn. They had a very funny comic strip in the Viz magazine one or two months ago

where the apple fell down on him. That was very funny. Hit him on the head. Yes. As you correctly have identified, the hitting on the head hilarity was a subsequent invention, but the actual falling of the apple was what gave him the idea. That was a pathetic attempt at a double bluff there, but never mind.

It set him wondering about the force acting upon it. Once he had invented gravity, Newton made his fortune by patenting gravity and only allowing people to use it under license. Edmund Halley, the inventor of the comet, bought shares in gravity in the hope that it would have some relevance to astronomy, but he was to be sadly disappointed. Once the gravity market had collapsed under its own weight, Newton turned his mind in other directions,

and he is now largely remembered for his many inventions. Among the devices he developed are the helicopter, the digital watch, the after-dinner mint and the cat flap. After being fired by Oxford University for upsetting the Professor of Alchemy by proving it was ridiculous trying to turn lead into gold, Newton... Marcus, I think you may have upset the Professor of Alchemy, by proving it was ridiculous, trying to turn lead into gold. Newton. Marcus. I think you may have upset the Professor of Alchemy.

No, he didn't. And in fact, Newton was a believer in alchemy, as well as in astrology and the occult. And after his death, thousands of papers on those subjects were discovered in a box in his house. So he wasn't right about everything. No, you think someone's clever, turns out they're a nutter. Basically, only a bit of luck that he saw the apple fall and he didn't think, ah, that proves ghosts. So Newton returned to the farm.

There he spent the long winter evenings inventing optics, hailed as a great boon to the pub industry. One day, he saw a rainbow fall out of a tree, and it set him wondering how light was made up. As it happens, Newton only identified six colours in the light spectrum. However, seven was his lucky number, so he added another one for luck. Indigo. Marcus.

I think, given that we now know that he was into all sorts of crap i suspect seven was his lucky number that is basically true seven was regarded as a lucky number at the time and so it's been alleged that he saw the the spectrum of colors and there were basically six of them and so he added indigo to make it up to seven which isn't really a proper color although my cardigan is basically indigo well i don't want to be rude about your cardigan but it's not it's not what i'd call a cardigan sorry not indigo primon

newton sadly failed to patent light he was beaten to it by young Thomas Edison. So he returned to his farm. One day he saw a pocket calculator fall out of a tree. And it set him wondering what kind of a tree that was. But not being a biologist, he couldn't be bothered to find out. Newton's other careers outside the world of science were all dismal failures. His first and only reported speech in the House of Commons as a Member of Parliament was to ask someone to close the window.

Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've also managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else, and they are that among the devices newton developed is the cat flap or at least he's widely credited with inventing it supposedly he was being distracted from his experiments by his cat being on the wrong side of the door and his solution was to cut a hole in the door and put a cloth over it to keep the draft out in fact the story has been extended by somebody said the cat had kittens and he cut two flaps one large one

for the cat and one small one for the kittens and then felt stupid when the kittens followed the cat through the large flap um which i think adds to our general picture of isaac newton we're building up that he was an idiot and the other truth is that newton's first and only reported speech in the house of commons as an an MP was to ask someone to close the window. He was a Member of Parliament from 1689 to 1690, and then again in 1701. His only recorded comments were complaining about a draft. Well, he really was an idiot. There are no windows in there. Well, it was a different chamber then. It was rebuilt in the 1830s.

Oh, yeah. It's a little clip for a different chamber then. It was rebuilt in the 1830s. Oh, yeah. There's a little clip for the trail there. All right, so he's not an idiot. Yeah. Well, I mean, it doesn't make him a genius. Maybe it wasn't drafty, he'd just forgotten to wear trousers. Anyway, that means, Graham, that you've scored two points.

In 1665, Isaac Newton presented the world with three fundamental discoveries. The method of calculus, which is the basis for much of modern mathematics. The spectral composition of light, along with the fundamentals of optics. And the law of universal gravitation and the basic laws of mechanics.

And all by the time he was 23. There will be a short, depressed silence as we all consider what we'd achieved by the age of 23. Happily, I can hold my head up high as I'd already written a series of sketches for Radio 4's week ending, one of which was nearly used. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with no points, we have Marcus Brigstocke. In third place, with one point, it's Graham Garden. In second place, with two points, it's Henning Vein. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, is this week's winner, Lucy Porter. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth.

Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Graham Garden, Henning Vein, Lucy Porter and Marcus Brigstol. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.