The Unbelievable Truth - 05x02 Hats, Pigeons, Hairdressers, Admiral Horatio Nelson

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

05x02 5 April 2010 Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Catherine Tate, Phill Jupitus Hats, Pigeons, Hairdressers, Admiral Horatio Nelson

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the show about delicious truths and barely palatable lies. Many of the things we believe to be true are in fact false. For example, it's not true that bulls are enraged by the colour red. In fact, what really enrages bulls is the political paralysis of the first-past-the-post voting system in a two-party democracy, and who can blame them? Here tonight, to mix the gin of truth with the tonic of lies and create a louche cocktail of comedy

are Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phil Jupitus and Catherine Tate. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Tony Hawks. Tony, your subject is the hat, defined by my dictionary as a shaped covering for the head, usually worn for protection against the elements, for religious reasons, for safety, or as a fashion accessory. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The Mexican hat dance is the official dance of El Salvador.

The El Salvador hat dance is the official dance of Mexico. The Paraguayan hat dance is the official dance of Panama. And the Panama hat dance is the official dance of Panama. The Panama hat comes from Ecuador and the trilby comes from Belize. Arthur. I think maybe the Panama hat does come from Ecuador. You're absolutely right.

Well spotted. I bet you'll have a Panama hat in the end, David. It comes to men. In the end? Yeah. It'll be put over my dead face no it's what you wear in the last years of your life if you're a man and trying to retain a certain race equality right you can't move them at the hay on wire literary festival

what i what i want to know is when am i going to get the race equality that i'm later going to try and retain. Yeah, no, it's absolutely true. Panama hats don't come from Panama. They come from Ecuador. They're called Panama hats because they were exported from Panama. And here's an interesting fact to accompany it with. Stilton is named after the village of Stilton where it was first sold rather than where it's made.

And you're not allowed to make Stilton in Stilton because the village of Stilton is not in the area where you're allowed to make things that are called Stilton, if you know what I mean. If you did make some Stilton cheese there, in Stilton, what sort of authorities would come along? Would it be the police? Would they kick down the door?

The cheese police. It would be the EU. Oh, no. The EU, the very same people as if you... What, you think they're camped out in Stilton? Look, I'm not saying that if you did it once, you'd necessarily get into trouble, but I say if you made a big business out of it...

You have just blown up an old man in the West Country. I was listening to Radio 4 and was alerted to the fact that the people of Stilton, a fine town, aren't allowed because of those Brussels... And at that point he has the stroke. And they put a Panama hat over his head. Exactly. That's why you have to measure

viewing figures on Radio 4 at the beginning of the programme before all the strokes set in. Tony, carry on. In Lang lang kansas it is against the law to drive down main street on a mule during the month of august unless your mule is wearing a straw hat when a man meets a cow in minnesota he is required by law to remove his hat. In Petula, Wisconsin, it's compulsory to wear a hat on a pushbike. Catherine? I will say yes, because...

Depends what we ask you. It really won't. I'm going to say yes, because I think one of those is going to be true. That seems the least ridiculous, and it is probably antiquated anyway. What, in Petula, Wisconsin, the compulsory to wear a hat on a push bike? To wear a hat on a push bike. Like a crash helmet or something.

A head, yes, something to cover your head, because it's a dangerous vehicle. Well, now you say that, I'm incensed that they don't actually have that law, because it sounds very dangerous, the way the cycling is going on. No, I'm afraid that's not true. Sorry. In Mallorca, they have a hat of the year show. I have taken part in that competition. What hat did you wear? Racy fedora.

No, that was before the fedora years. That was also Arthur's porn name. Oh, I'd be good, wouldn't I? I am Mr. Fedora. That's not all you have to do to be in a porn. I mean, you've got the dialogue nailed. Have a look at my hat band, little girl. Sorry.

And another one dies. There is no such thing as a hat of the year show, I'm afraid, in Mallorca, Arthur, so I don't know what's passing for a memory in your brain. They were clearly taking the mickey out of me in that part. Last year's winner...

You might want to let this one go. Restaurateur José Bunuel built a hat on top of his restaurant to celebrate. Then the restaurant collapsed. OK. Hattie Jakes got her name because she wore a lot of hats, including a Dutch cap which she bought in Flanders with Eric Sykes. The beret used by Frank Spencer in Some Mothers Do Avum was sold in an auction in 1984 for £3,000.

Arthur. Completely plausible. I say that must be true, I'll stake my life on it. Oh. Oh, dear my life on it. Oh. Um... Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Get the hat ready.

No, I'm afraid that's just a brilliant piece of plausible invention from Tony Hawks. Oh, dear. However, you might want to go for the second part of this. No, I'm on a bad run. The actor Michael Crawford still wears a beret on Sundays to remind him of his first big break in shows. Top hats were originally thought to be deeply offensive.

Well, I remember that to be true. They were quite wild initially, weren't they? I remember this. This is definitely another one I'd stake my life on. Well, on this occasion, I mean, obviously your life is already forfeit, but had you still a life to stake, you'd be all right on this one.

And in fact, Tony was going to go on to say... The first wearer of the top hat was arrested and charged £50 for disturbing the peace. Yeah, so that's all absolutely true in the 1790s john hetherington a hatter of charing cross was the first person to make a top hat and wear it in the street the sight of it caused a commotion among passers-by he was booed and jeered several women fainted and a small boy broke his arm and he ended up in court was fined 50 pounds for appearing on the public highway wearing upon his head a tall structure having a shining luster

and calculated to frighten timid people so it just shows you what lond London was like before television. The top hat was originally developed from the riding hat to be used as a crash helmet, protecting the fox hunter from possible concussion if he fell from his horse in the course of the hunt. Randy Newman's song, You Can Leave Your Hat On, was based on something that a customs officer said to him during a strip search at LaGuardia Airport, New York.

Most ten-gallon hats nowadays are unleaded. The most dangerous hat was the famous dagger hat of Geneva, which was made of knives. It actually killed its first wearer. But he was Swiss, so nobody minded. And that's the end of Tony's lecture. And Tony, in that round you managed to smuggle three truths

past the rest of the panel, and they are that in Lang, Kansas, it is against the law to drive down Main Street on a mule during the month of August unless your mule is wearing a straw hat. And I agree with you, Catherine, that is a less sensible law than the one you thought was true. The second truth is that when a man, this is also less sensible, when a man meets a cow in Minnesota, he is required by law to remove his hat. And the third truth is that the top hat was

originally developed from the riding hat to be used as a crash helmet, protecting the fox hunter from possible concussion if he fell off the horse. And that means you've scored three points. Okay, we turn now to Arthur Smith. Arthur is the self-styled mayor of Balham. Balham was first

described in the Doomsday Book as an impoverished hamlet with assets of one and a half ploughs generating 20 shillings annually, a period still referred to as the glory days. Your subject, Arthur, is pigeons. Any bird of the family Columbidae having a compact body and short legs. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Arthur. body and short legs. Fingers on buzzers as everyone else. Off you go, Arthur.

Unlike most places in the world, Brazil welcomes pigeons. And the capital city, Brasilia, has elegant pigeon houses everywhere for birds to live in. The city even boasts a pigeon hotel on the roof of the cathedral with ornate water bowls and nests lined in satin and fur. Tony.

My thinking on this is it's just not funny enough for a witty man like Arthur. So I think it's just true because he's too talented. What's true? The fact that there's a hotel in Brasilia thing, or the other thing. I think I have to take your first answer, and there is no pigeon hotel on the roof of the cathedral

with ornate water bowls and nests lined in satin and fur, however unamusing you find it. In Europe, between the 16th and 18th centuries, pigeon poo was so prized as fertiliser that armed guards were stationed in front of dove cots to stop thieves from stealing it. Male pigeons are the most promiscuous of all birds. They can have sex with up to 20 other pigeons in a day.

Phil. I've seen that. They're randy, randy, randy birds. No, they're not. They're birds. No, they're not. They're not? No, they're pigeons. In fact, they mate for life and are regarded as model parents. Oh!

You see, the people that give those sort of facts, you know, of course they're going to be on best behaviour when the people are around doing the research. You know, as soon as the researchers go, they're at it like it's nobody's business, 20 times a day. Yeah, like pigeons. I'm not saying a pigeon has never had an affair. You are, really.

In general, they're not among the more promiscuous of the... OK, I'll accept that better. In the First World War, pigeons who strayed off course were shot as deserters. Pigeons who strayed off course were shot as deserters. In 1963, a court in Tripoli, Libya, found 75 pigeons guilty of smuggling and sentenced them to death. A female pigeon cannot lay eggs unless she's in the presence of another pigeon. If no other pigeon is available, her own reflection in a mirror will do.

Pigeons... Tony. I think a pigeon has to be present, otherwise a pigeon can't lay. In fact, I know that. Well, that's fortunate that you knew that. Because you're, of course, absolutely right. Oh, well done. Pigeons are born

nearly full-size, which is why you never seem to see a baby pigeon. Catherine. I think that's so funny, that's true. I mean, weird, but I've never seen a baby pigeon. Rarely see a dead one, do you, apart from under a car? No, I know. I mean, I think it gave us all pause for thought,

that absence of baby pigeons, but I think they're all on the top of Nelson's column, aren't they? You know, grounded. Or ledged. Not all pigeons are keen flyers. They have been known to cling to the backs of cars to hitch a free ride into town. Similarly, pigeons regularly travel from West Ham in East London

to central London on the Tube. Phil. That happened. It did happen. Yeah. You're right. Yes, there have been many documented cases, in fact, of pigeons using the London...

I don't know how documented. But there are a lot of cases where pigeons have been seen to use the London Underground, and apparently in a way where they sort of know what's going on and they are trying to go somewhere. And they've got an Oyster card as well. Why not just get a bus? Metro. They can get a copy of Metro on the chair. It's ever since they got rid of the Rootmasters, the pigeons stopped using the buses.

They're much easier to get on. You just fly in the back, go up the top, you're laughing. And you've got the mirror there, so you can have an egg if you want. They must communicate with each other, because you would not fly down a hole in the ground thinking, oh, there might be a mode of transport here. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's conversation, though. No. It's Facebook, isn't it? Thank you, Arthur.

And, Arthur, you managed to smuggle three truths past everyone else, which are, unlike most places in the world, Brazil welcomes pigeons, and the capital city, Brasilia, has elegant pigeon houses everywhere for the birds to live in. In Europe, between the 16th Brazil welcomes pigeons, and the capital city, Brasilia, has elegant pigeon houses everywhere for the birds to live in. In Europe, between the 16th and 18th centuries, pigeon poo was so prized as fertiliser that armed guards were stationed in front of dovecots to stop thieves from stealing it.

And the third truth is that in 1963, a court in Tripoli, Libya, found 75 pigeons guilty of smuggling and sentenced them to death. And that means you've scored three points. According to one naturalist, pigeons mate for life and are model parents. You know, those kind of model parents

that limp about on one knobbly foot and eat cigarette butts in the gutter. Right, it's now the turn of Catherine Tate. Catherine famously appeared in a sketch with Tony Blair in which he uttered her catchphrase, Am I bothered? It was certainly very funny, although it seemed less funny

when he repeated it at the Iraq inquiry. Your subject, Catherine, is hairdressers, people who arrange or cut hair. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Catherine. Hairdressing is the fourth most popular career choice for girls in the UK after lacrosse coach, network systems analyst and construction worker. Russia has always been the world leader in terms of hairdressing and hairstyle.

Catherine, the great of Russia, was so determined that the discovery of dandruff on her collar should be kept a secret, she locked her hairdresser in an iron cage for three years to stop the news spreading. I know it sounds ridiculous, but she was a bit of a nutter, that Catherine the Great. Well, she was a bit of a nutter, because that's absolutely true. Well done.

In England, under Cromwell and the Puritans the elaborate hairstyles favored by the royalists were outlawed everyone's hair was shaved short by teams of welsh hill farmers used to shearing sheep the affectionate term for these hair cutters was bar bar which later became the more familiar barber and everyone knows that the red and white striped pole, still seen on many a high street, originally indicated a Hong Kong brothel. Tony. That's true.

Yes, that is true. Well done. The red and white striped pole in Hong Kong indicates a brothel. Such places are still very common. You can, in fact, get your hair cut there as well, but there's one chair in the corner which has a screen round it, like a shower curtain, and if you sit in that chair, you don't just get a haircut.

In most ladies' salons, when a hairdresser finds lice in a customer's hair, he or she will immediately start chatting about the weather as a coded sign to the other hairdressers to keep clear. The New Zealand hoo-hoo beetle, known as the hair cutter, has sharp hooks on its long legs, so if one lands in your hair and gets entangled, you need a haircut to get it out.

Tony. I've decided to go for this New Zealand thing. I do think that they have exotic animals there and I'm confident. Well, your confidence is in this case justified. Oh!

Yeah, well done. Yes, they're a nocturnal summer beetle, about five centimetres in length and they fly into houses, get caught in people's hair and then you have to cut them out. Catherine. Modern hairdressing really began with Siegfried Sassoon, who learned his trade...

LAUGHTER ..who learned his trade in the trenches of World War I, styling... LAUGHTER ..styling the long hair of the officers who entertained the troops with female impersonations. It's often said that women are more faithful to their hairdressers than they are to their chiropodists.

During the World Cup 2006, Colleen McLaughlin made a 900-mile round trip from Germany to Liverpool to visit her favourite hairdresser. Phil. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

Hairdresser. Phil. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. I quite like this taciturn approach to the quiz. Don't you travel with your own hairdresser, don't you, David? He has a team of New Zealand Beatles. Yeah.

A law in Illinois prohibits barbers from using their fingers to apply shaving cream to a customer's face. And in Missouri... Arthur. That's it, yes, that's true. The barber's fingers to apply the shaving cream. Yeah. Yes, that is true. Well done.

Healthy, safe. Yeah. And in Missouri, men are only allowed to style ladies' hair if they keep at least one foot on the ground. Each year in the UK, there is fierce competition for the headmaster's prize, given to the salon with the wittiest name. Last year, it went to diabolical follicles of stretum.

Thank you, Catherine. Thank you, Catherine. I managed to smuggle none. I'm afraid you managed to smuggle no truth past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. Hooray! Sweeney Todd worked as a barber in Fleet Street,

slitting his customers' throats before disposing of the bodies in the suspiciously cheap meat pie shop next door. Even nowadays, there's a barber's shop on the site, and next door is a branch of Gregg's. Totally coincidentally, I don't know. In Hong Kong, a red and white striped pole outside a premises may not necessarily indicate a barber's shop.

It's also a sign for a brothel, which is bad news if you go in and ask for a number two all over. Now it's the turn of Phil Jupiters. Your subject, Phil, is Admiral Horatio Nelson, first Viscount Nelson and the celebrated British naval commander during the Napoleonic Wars who won a crucial victory at Trafalgar. Off you go, Phil. As a fat little child, Horatio Nelson was known as Hungry Horace.

As an adult, Admiral Lord Nelson never needed to shave and never grew beyond 5'6 in his high heels. He was a real little short bloke, I know this. Yes, you're right, he was 5'6. Well, 5'6, some say 5'3. I'm sorry to say I'm a bit Yes, you're right. He was five foot six. Well, five foot six, some say five foot three. I'm sorry to say I'm a bit of an expert on Nelson. Well, anyway, you still get a point. Nelson was renowned for being a great practical joker.

He would often startle his gunners by goosing them as they crouched over their guns. The crewmen soon learned to avoid what they called the Nelson touch. Nelson passed the time on long sea voyages reading novels and was a great admirer of the work of Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters. When the King of Naples granted Nelson a dukedom, he chose for his title the Duke of Bronte. That's true.

He was the Duke of Bronte, but he didn't choose that title. He was given that title, and then the Bronte family named themselves after him because they were called Bronte, and they didn't think that sounded as cool as Bronte. And they were right. Nelson Mandela's schoolteacher gave all the children in her class historic Western names and chose to call him Nelson

after the band leader nelson riddle i'm going for the nelson riddle thing well the nelson mandela was named after nelson riddle now you see there's no need there's no need for you to take that tone sorry it was already derision you don't even need to tell me. I know it's wrong. He wasn't named after Nelson Riddle, but what is true is that he was named Nelson by a schoolteacher. That wasn't his original name. Well, that's really what I kind of meant. Well done for guessing near when something true was said.

Just before engaging with the Swiss fleet at the Battle of the Bulge, Nelson famously had a message run up his main mast. It said, Golf Sail. Stan Laurel's partner, Oliver Hardy, claimed to be descended from Nelson's Captain Hardy. It was to him that Nelson spoke his famous last words, Kiss me, Ollie.

Nelson could not abide crew members who suffered from seasickness and any man throwing up over the side would be rewarded with a dozen lashes Tony well you might not say oh if this is wrong Catherine you obviously tried for it no but I don't think he could stand seasickness and he was very brutal if anyone was seasick no it's quite quite the opposite he suffered from seasickness his whole life and never overcame it. Which does take the sort of edge off his death scene, doesn't it, with that whole,

kiss me. Ardy. Ardy. Ardy. It was a kiss, Ardy. Well, that was brilliant. I have to say, that was one of the most moving bits of acting I've ever witnessed.

Wherever he went, Nelson was accompanied by his pet dog, Patch. When Nelson's column was commissioned, the sculptor was instructed by the Admiralty to depict Nelson with his faithful patch. The sculptor misunderstood and made the statue with an eye patch, something Nelson never wore. Tony. Nelson never wore an eye patch.

You're absolutely right. Nelson never wore an eye patch. And, in fact, he's not wearing an eye patch on Nelson's column either, although it's difficult to see. He did only have one eye, though, didn't he? No, he had both eyes, but one of them didn't work. Yeah, well, that's like one eye, really, isn't it? Well, I think he did look pretty normal,

because at one point he was trying to get some sort of pension or disability payment, I suppose you'd say now, because he'd lost sight in his eye, and he couldn't get them to believe he had, because it looked sort of all right. What about his bad arm? Didn't that get him the job? That's probably the lengths he then had to go to, I don't know. He was a bit mean, given that he was a hero,

and then for them to turn him down on a sort of thing. Well, I don't understand why he'd get any sort of pension anyway, considering he's still working as a captain. And then as an admiral. You can't say, well, I see I lost my eyesight and then I had to give up being an admiral. What's your job? Oh, I'm an admiral. Still an admiral, you can't say, well, see, I lost my eyesight and then I had to give up being an admiral. What's your job? Oh, I'm an admiral. Still an admiral, but with no depth perception, you know.

So you want a pension and your normal admiral fees, yes, please. So you want us to pay the one-eyed admiral more than the two-eyed admiral? It's ridiculous. It's PC gone mad. It's the whole depth of perception thing. Is that maybe why he was so brave in battle? Because, oh, the French, they're miles away. Carry on. Here we go.

Nelson's funeral was to have been an elaborate affair, but due to cutbacks, George III could only provide a second-hand Italian marble sarcophagus originally made for Cardinal Wolsey. After her death, Nelson's mistress, Christine Hamilton, was found to have been a man in drag. His or her tomb in Highgate Cemetery bears the simple inscription, Hello, sailor.

Thank you, Phil. And, Phil, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Nelson Mandela was given his name, Nelson, by his schoolteacher. The second truth is that Stan Laurel's partner, Oliver Hardy, claimed to be descended from Nelson's Captain Hardy. And the third truth is that George III

only provided a second-hand Italian marble sarcophagus for Nelson. It had originally been made for Cardinal Wolsey. Well, what happened to Cardinal Wolsey, then? Well, Cardinal Wolsey died in disgrace, and so I suspect was just shoved in a bin bag. Basically. You can just see him outside Abington Court Palace with the Christmas tree. They still haven't come for him.

And that means, Phil, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place with minus four points, we have Catherine Tate. In third place with minus one point, it's Phil Jupitus. In second place with no points, it's Arthur Smith.

And in first place with an unassailable two points, Tony Hawks. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Gardner and featured David Mitchell in the chair

with panellists Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phil Jupitus and Catherine Tate. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.