The Unbelievable Truth - 05x03 Skiing, Cleopatra, Elephants, Chocolate

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

05x03 12 April 2010 Fred MacAulay, Susan Calman, Liza Tarbuck, Charlie Brooker Skiing, Cleopatra, Elephants, Chocolate

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello, I'm David Mitchell and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Tonight we have the finest collection of liars ever seen outside an estate agent's convention. Please welcome Charlie Brooker, Susan Calman, Fred McCauley and Lisa Tarbuck. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents,

cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Fred McCauley. Fred is one of two Scottish comedians on the show today. Or one of three, if you count Charlie, who isn't actually Scottish, but is pale and cantankerous. Fred, your subject is... Fred, your subject is skiing, defined by my dictionary as a sport or recreation which involves travelling over snow on long flat runners that may be attached to boots with the aid of a

binding. Off you go, Fred. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't Norway where skis first appeared, but Holland. But given the flat Netherlands terrain, they were just used as long clogs for folk dancing. Skis have only been around for about 300 years, and the word ski first appeared in the mid-18th century, although the verb to ski didn't arrive until people worked out

what to do with them some 150 years later. Lisa. I'm going to come in and say that the word ski was invented in the mid- 18th century. You're absolutely right. Yes! But... I heard the but. But no, but and

more than that, the verb to ski didn't arrive for another 150 years. So you get the point, even though you didn't spot the interesting bit of it. No. I just sort of tugged on the end of it. Yeah, I did, didn't I? I don't know what verb they used. They had the skis.

They did know how to use them, but they didn't refer to using them as skiing. They were just too busy going, Whee! Shall we go and do the thing with the skis? In Tibet, where they care little for chairlifts or gravity, they ski uphill. They could only manage

a slalom about two foot six long until they hit on the bright idea of using yaks to pull them up the slope. Not to be confused with the yak skiing in Mongolia, which is a downhill sport where they strap two yaks onto their feet and scoot down the mountains in an annual celebration of the last snows of winter. Most airlines charge an eye-watering £2.50 to travellers taking their skis on flights abroad. To avoid paying this outrageous charge, a popular ruse is to conceal the skis in a coffin. And once you've convinced the cabin staff

to let you carry it on as hand luggage for sentimental reasons, you're home and dry. One Frenchman, Michel Lotito, actually ate his pair of skis before boarding his flight to Verbier, but as it was only a short break he was on, his digestive system let him down at the other end and he only managed to produce a pair of skates. The only bone in the human body as yet unbroken in a ski accident

is a small bone in the middle ear. Lisa. Coming in again, on the smallest bone in the ear is the only bone not broken in a skiing accident yes that's absolutely true well done yeah surely if you break every other bone in your body then that little bone isn't connected to anything and if you were shaken you'd just sound like a small maraca i'm thinking of the game operation now that's the thing when i played operation i don't remember there was there a small bone in the ear and if not that's obviously the toughest bone in the body and surely we should be researching how to make all of our other bones as strong as the bone in our ear i don't know it's just a thought

you should get involved in that thing it's been discredited the game operation you know that was the sum of our knowledge in about 1910. The next thing you know, you'll be telling me that hippos don't really eat like that, and that's just... They say that that tiny bone has never been broken in a skiing accident. I'm going back home to see if I can break it. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to throw myself down a hill on a pair of skis and just see whether or not I can actually break it. Shake your fist to the fat. That is a TV show I would watch. The one where you have to try and break that bone. Yeah. Starring Vernon Kaye. In China, thanks to a state-sponsored plan,

the number of Chinese skiers has gone up 10,000-fold in the last 10 years. Susan. That sounds like a likely thing, doesn't it, that they're trying to get people... As I'm the last 10 years susan that sounds like a likely thing doesn't it that they're trying to get people as i'm saying i realize it's probably not a likely thing from looking at the audience going susan none of us thought that was true but at the time he said about chinese skiing i thought maybe that's something that they're wanting people to do and you're absolutely right uh it says says here in 1998 only 500 people in China could ski.

In 2008, an estimated 5 million Chinese visited ski resorts. The China Ski Association predicts 20 million skiers by 2014. The tragedy is, of course, thanks to global warming, there won't be any snow. Yes, they're stupid, Chinese. They're getting into totally the wrong sport. They should be getting into something sand-based, shouldn't they? I was frightened by China before you said that,

and now I realise they're a doomed civilisation, obsessed with long walls and skiing. Thank you, Fred. walls and skiing. Thank you, Fred. Fred, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Tibet, they ski uphill

using yaks to pull them up the slope. The other truth that Fred managed to smuggle is that one Frenchman, Michel Lotito, who's better known by his pseudonym Monsieur Mange-Two, ate his skis, as well as lots of other things. But that means, Fred, that you've scored two points.

OK, we turn now to Susan Kalman. Your subject, Susan, is Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt and the last Egyptian pharaoh, renowned for her beauty, who was mistress to both Julius Caesar and Mark Antony and who killed herself with an asp to avoid capture by Augustus Caesar. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else.

Off you go, Susan. As everyone knows, Cleopatra was descended from Vikings. Her name Cleo means fish in Swedish and Patra means fish in Norwegian. That's why Cleopatra is the patron saint of fish. Cleopatra has been played in movies by Jilly Cooper, Anne Widdicombe and Olivia Newton-John. However, the most unexpected thespian to play the beautiful queen

was Brian Blessed at Rotherham Rec in 1996. Fred? I don't think that's beyond Brian Blessed's phenomenal talent. Oh, I mean, I don't think anyone's saying it's beyond his range. It's just, did any director have the vision to cast him? I say yes. You say, unfortunately, Rotherham Rep has, not for the first time, let the nation down artistically and didn't go with that particular show.

Sorry, Efrain. Unexpected but true to history as well, performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra wore a false beard. Lisa. I'm going to go in for the false beard. Yes, it's true. Cleopatra used to wear a false beard. Ruling female pharaohs used to take on the trappings of kinghood,

including men's clothes and a false beard, and being referred to as he. The beard, I'm told, was made of goat hair. Hurrah! What an uninteresting fact. It's got to be made of something. If they said it was made of asbestos, then that would have interested me.

Brian Blessed's beard is made of his own hair. I know that because I once grabbed onto him in a queue at Tesco's. Is it made of his facial hair or does he collect...? Right. Cleopatra was the first exponent of the internet phenomenon known as using a picture that makes you look better. Although her picture on banknotes looked like Elizabeth Taylor, some coins of the time depict a woman with a hooked nose

and a face like a bloke. In her life, she had 6,678 lovers, one more than Julius Caesar. It was Cleopatra who suggested Caesar's motto, I saw, I conquered, I came. The number of lovers that they took was a constant source of competition between the two, and they constructed a giant Venn diagram

to keep track of their conquests and any overlaps. If she was around today, Cleo would be a prime candidate for the Jeremy Kyle show as she was the offspring of a brother and sister and married two of her brothers. That's got the ring of... Also, I'd just love to see her on the Jeremy Kyle show. Yes, that's absolutely true. She married two of her brothers and was the offspring of a brother and sister.

So, yes, well done. That wouldn't actually fit on a strapline on the Jeremy Carr show, would it? It would fit into one of those women's magazines, you know, I married a chicken. Yes, they're always just a smiling woman and a headline saying, I was stabbed in the face for four hours. I read one and it was quite... It's usually people from Glasgow, I was stabbed in the face for four hours. I read one and it was

quite, it's usually people from Glasgow, I'll be honest. And there was a woman from Glasgow who came down to find her husband having sex with a frozen chicken. Oh, I remember that. No, it's okay. Because she'd waited. She went to bed and he waited till it defrosted.

He's not a weirdo. He waited till it defrosted. He didn't a weirdo. He waited till it defrosted. He didn't defrost it in the microwave. No, no. So he was in no hurry. That takes the romance out of it, he probably thought. It's the anticipation of waiting for something to defrost. We'll just watch a movie together.

Warm you up a bit. Yeah. Anyway, it's absolutely true that, yes, the... The beard was made of goat's hair, interestingly. No, the... What's the word? Brother and sister. Yeah, incest, that's it. Incest was sort of endemic because I think the crown,

it could only pass down the female line. So if you're an Egyptian king, the best way of making sure the line continued properly was to marry your sister i mean it petered out basically it was bound to too many two-headed kings as a result of inbreeding cleopatra had a third nipple and six toes on both her feet which meant she was twice named the egyptian swimming champion and her favorite party trick was feeding triplets. Fred? I don't think I've seen pictures of it,

but I think she may have had a third nipple. No, I think you're thinking of Scaramanga. I'm actually thinking of the frozen chicken. In a sexy or a hungry way? You wouldn't eat a frozen chicken. Third nipple in six toes. No, five toes, two nipples. Unfortunately, her mental capacity may have been affected by her family genetics,

and among the astonishing laws she passed were no one whose name began with a P could look her in the eye, all of her food had to contain precisely 25 grains of sand, and she decreed that earthworms were sacred, and removing one from Egypt was an offence punishable by death. It is Cleopatra who first uttered the words, Hi-ya! and created the art of karate. So what effect has she had on modern culture?

Well, Cleopatra is the sixth most popular name in Romania. Carry-on Cleo was nominated for three BAFTAs and two Oscars. Princess Diana often talked about Cleopatra as one of her role models and Cleopatra was Ronnie Wood's nickname at school. Thank you, Susan. Well, at the end of that round, you've smuggled three truths past the rest of the panel. Very good.

end of that round you've smuggled three truths past the rest of the panel very good which are the egyptian coins of the time depict cleopatra as being a woman with a hooked nose and a face a bit like a bloke um she had apparently a shallow forehead pointed chin thin lips and a witch-like nose mark anthony who's on the other side of the coin fair little better he had peculiar bulging eyes, a hook nose, and an incredibly thick neck. I think, David, that the person who was working at the Mint in Egypt just couldn't do noses. It's not really fair, is it, to pick on their depiction on a coin?

It was thousands of years ago. That's very patronising. Have you ever looked at a coin and thought, ooooh? No. No, I haven't. But, you know, it takes all sorts. I've never looked at a frozen chicken. Anyway, the second truth...

The second truth that Susan smuggled past the panel is that Cleopatra decreed that earthworms were sacred and removing them from Egypt was an offence punishable by death. And the third truth is that Cleopatra wased that earthworms were sacred and removing them from Egypt was an offence punishable by death. And the third truth is that Cleopatra was Ronnie Wood's nickname at school. And that means you've scored three points. We know that Cleopatra was not Egyptian, though historians have argued over exactly where she did come from. However, the fact that she married in succession two of her brothers

suggests that it would be wise not to rule out the possibility of Norfolk. Right, it's now the turn of Lisa Tarbuck. Your subject, Lisa, is elephants, heavy plant-eating mammals with prehensile trunks, long curved ivory tusks and large fan-shaped ears, native to Africa and Southern Asia. Off you go, Lisa. Elephants communicate in

much the same way as humans female elephants have a much larger vocabulary than males and the males can barely understand a word they say this is the main reason why most male elephants have sheds I believe I believe that female elephants make a wider range of noises than male elephants. Why do you believe that? No, you're absolutely right, Charlie. You're absolutely right. Female elephants tend to live in groups and have all sorts of different noises and forms of communication,

whereas male elephants are solitary and can barely understand what the female elephants are saying. The one female call that male elephants are solitary and can barely understand what the female elephants are saying. The one female call that male elephants can understand is the female invitation for sex. She emits this on just four days in four years. Though the call lasts only a few seconds, the male elephants can hear it over two miles away. Oh, that's handy, isn't it?

Oh, no, love, I can't hear a word. What's that you say? Sex? I'll be there in a minute. Do it, buddy. In a way, living as a male elephant would be a lot simpler, wouldn't it? Oh, I don't know. Ivory and all that stuff.

A lot of waiting. Oh, yeah, I wasn't thinking about the being hunted for ivory so much as the... You're right, in lots of ways. And a huge, weird nose and... I've not seen the bigger picture. Bill Gates, when he heard that the tongue of a blue whale weighs more than an elephant, briefly kept a pet elephant on a specially strengthened balcony

outside his office window. He had a sign on it saying, heavyweights do it for chips. Prussian field marshal Blucher, the hero of Waterloo, explained his hatred of the French when he confessed to the Duke of Wellington that he was pregnant with an elephant by a French grenadier. Susan?

Yeah, I quite like the idea of a man saying he's pregnant with an elephant. That is absolutely true. Well done. He was field marshal blucher who was uh the sort of co-victor at waterloo the prussian general who was 72 at the time of the battle only lived another four years and was a bit of a drinker and went a bit mental uh so much so that when he was in his cups he used to go on about how he was pregnant with an elephant by a French grenadier. And I think at the times he said it, he believed it. What was he drinking, though?

I mean, they say alcohol, but, you know, I've had that and it seems fine. In North Dakota, it's illegal to keep more than one elephant in an outbuilding. In Nevada, it's a misdemeanor to put a comic hat on an elephant, even for a wedding. And in Florida, if you leave an elephant tied to a parking meter, you have to pay the parking fee to avoid being clamped. Charlie.

I believe it's illegal to put a hat on an elephant. No, it isn't. Well, it's illegal to put a hat on an elephant. No, it isn't. Well, it should be. Even for a wading. That was lovely. It probably is belittling for the poor elephant. There's no excuse. Come on, we've all put a pair of glasses on a dog.

Do you know what I mean? I haven't. Haven't you ever? No. I've put a collar on a dog. You've put a what? A? I haven't. Haven't you ever? No. I've put a collar on a dog. You've put a what? A collar on a dog. Sure.

Not a human collar, a dog collar. Not like a ecclesiastical dog collar, an actual dog's collar on a dog. And not in a sex way. I have put what putting on a human would have been a sort of kinky sex thing on a dog, and on a dog it's just what a dog wears.

There's a lot of things you can do to a dog that would be kinky if you did them to a human. Really? That's a bold statement, young man. Feed it from a bowl? Do you want me to go on?

Are you saying that the way we treat... Deworm it? What's kinky about deworming? If I did it to you backstage, people would say we were kinky. In 2001, there was fierce competition for the Guinness Book of Records title Largest Animal Orchestra.

The 5,000-strong ant philharmonic was firm favourite, but wait for wait, the title of largest had to go to the 12-piece Thai elephant orchestra of Lampang. They've got an elephant orchestra. That's a fact. It is elephant orchestra. That's a fact. It is a fact. It is a fact. The elephant orchestra of Lampang

is indeed the largest animal orchestra. They are about to release their third CD. The elephants play simple woodwinds, harmonicas, a few string instruments, and drums. And for the first time on this show, we've got a clip. Here's an example of their work, appropriately entitled Ganesha Triumphant. GANESHA TRIUMPHANT I mean, it's not inconsistent with some elephants

have just got into a room with some musical instruments in it. It could just about pass muster as, like, incidental music on an old episode of Lovejoy or something, for when he's snooping around a Chinese restaurant. Yes, that's a good use for it. Yeah. Thank you, Lisa. Thank you. And at the end

of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the tongue of a blue whale weighs more than an elephant. It then says the blue whale is very big. Which I knew. Its testicles alone are the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. And a small child could crawl through its major arteries.

Eww. That's another TV show. And the second truth that you smuggled is that in Florida, if you leave an elephant tied to a parking meter, you have to pay the parking fee. The same applies for a goat or an alligator. That sounds totally sensible to me, because it's still using up the parking place, isn't it?

Other sensible Florida laws make it illegal to sell your children, keep pregnant pigs in a cage, fart in a public place after 6pm, I think, yeah, they might have got me on that, or have sexual relations with a porcupine. And again, no. So that means, Lisa, you've scored two points. Hurrah!

Hurrah! Surprisingly, in the Guinness Book of Records, the title largest penis on dry land is accorded to the African elephant and not, as many people assume, to Jeremy Clarkson. Now it's the turn of Charlie Brooker. Your subject, Charlie, is chocolate, a food preparation in the form of a solid block or paste made from roasted or ground cocoa seeds, typically sweetened. Off you go, Charlie, is chocolate, a food preparation in the form of a solid block or paste

made from roasted or ground cocoa seeds, typically sweetened. Off you go, Charlie. Chocolate is the most popular substance in the world after moss. The effects of chocolate have been disputed throughout the years. The Quakers believed it held aphrodisiac qualities and often left decoy prostitutes carved from chocolate dotted around the back streets of Bourneville in a bid to improve the town's moral standing. Fred? I don't think the last bit's strictly true but I think the Quakers were into chocolate in a pretty big way. They

definitely were into it in a big way in that there are lots of Quaker chocolate making families like the Cadburys but they didn't think it held aphrodisiac qualities. Quite the opposite. They thought that it would satiate sexual desire. But the Aztecs did think that it was an aphrodisiac and, as a result, forbade women from consuming it. Seems foolish. Confectionery has been a hotbed of innovation. But for every mint aero, there's a meat bounty. has been a hotbed of innovation.

But for every mint aero, there's a meat bounty. Other unsuccessful bars have included the Cadbury's Tebbit, Fry's Cubist Delight, and the anchovy and cashew nut Yorkie. Fortunately, chocolate isn't just for eating. For instance, the Curly Whirly was intended to function as an edible ladder for spiders, while M&M's, whose initials, incidentally, were a tribute to Marilyn Monroe, were specifically designed to be used as minor

currency in the event of a copper shortage. I'm going to be suckered into the Marilyn Monroe thing. Suckered in you are, because it's not true. Licky, lick, lick. M&M's were named after their manufacturers, Forrest Mars and Bruce Murray.

Forrest Mars and Bruceray bought the rights to smarties british smarties but then couldn't sell them as smarties in america because they were already a different suite in america called smarties so they called them m&ms but what fascinates me about this is that forest mars is as in mars bar and the people who own mars bar their surname is Mars. I'd always assumed that it was sort of named after the planet Mars. And it's kind of, what would be a good name for a bar? Mars or Jupiter or something.

It turned out if their surname had been Sidebottom, it would have been a sidebottom a day helps you work, rest and play. People have crafted tennis shoes, bras and even submarines out of chocolate. Fred. There has been a chocolate bra. You're absolutely right, yes. I'm wearing it. Austria has produced the world's first bra made entirely of chocolate. It sells for approximately £100. Within the confectionery industry, chocolate's irritating tendency to turn gooey in warm temperatures is a particularly hot topic, a hot topic itself being little more than a pool of toffee and peanuts.

Bake light was a by-product of Korean research into flame-resistant chocolate, while the microwave oven was invented after a radar tube melted a chocolate bar in a researcher's pocket. I think it's the chocolate bar in the pocket melting one. Yes, that is absolutely true. Well done. Shortly after the end of World War II, the American engineer and inventor Percy Spencer was touring one of his laboratories at the Raytheon Company in Massachusetts. He stopped momentarily in front of a magnetron, the power tube that drives a radar set.

Feeling a sudden and strange sensation, Spencer noticed that the chocolate bar in his pocket had begun to melt. Sure. After finding that popcorn popped in front of the machine as well, he went on to patent the microwave oven. And presumably to die of having microwaved himself. But apparently not. Some celebrities love chocolate so much they've launched their own confectionery. Andrew Marr touts homemade Mars bars, Chaka Khan has her own range of Chakaluts,

and Terry Waite sells boxes of Aftery Waite mints. But while chocolate is popular with humans, simple animals have a rougher time with it. For instance, former children's TV presenter Andy Peters is allergic to chocolate, while hamsters, geese and dormice all burst on contact with it. Andy Peters is allergic to chocolate. He is indeed. Is he?

Yes. Many people make chocolate a focal point of their lives. Canadian Sebastian Dutroux spent six months living in a bungalow entirely made of chocolate bricks, while in 1973, Swedish confectionery salesman Roland Oesson was

buried in a chocolate coffin. The end result was a casket filled with putrefied matter, which in no way inspired the double-decker. Thank you, Charlie. And at the end of that round, Charlie, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Chaka Khan has her own range of chakalets, which I believe can be purchased from her website.

And in 1973, Swedish confectionery salesman Roland Oisen was buried in a chocolate coffin. That means you've scored two points. American Gary Bashaw can mix chocolate powder and milk in his mouth and pour it out of his nose as milkshake. He was recently voted Employee of the Month at his local McDonald's. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with one point, we have Fred McCauley.

In joint second place, with three points each, it's Charlie Brooker and Lisa Tarbuck. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, is this week's winner, Susan Kalman. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye.

Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised The Unbelievable Truth. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nasmith and Graham Garden, and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Susan Calman, Lisa Tarbuck, Fred McCauley and Charlie Brooker. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster,

and the producer was John Nasmith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.