The Unbelievable Truth - 06x05 Noses, Apples, Lord Byron, Fishing

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

06x05 25 October 2010 Tony Hawks, Henning Wehn, Arthur Smith, Graeme Garden Noses, Apples, Lord Byron, Fishing

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell, here to distort the truth in much the same way that Anne Widdicombe distorts a cardigan. Please welcome Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Henning Vane and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents,

cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Tony Hawks. Tony, your subject is noses, described by my dictionary as the part of the human face, or the forward part of the head of other vertebrates, that contains the nostrils and organs of smell.

Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The winner of the 2004 Nose Joke of the Year was What's the difference between Brussels sprouts and bogeys? You can't get children to eat Brussels sprouts. Henning. Was that really the best joke they had in that nose joke competition? Do you think it was? I would be very disappointed if it was.

So you don't think that was true? No. So why did you buzz? Of course. So you don't think that was true? No. So why did you buzz? To say how disappointed I am by the standard of the joke. Have you got a nose joke of some quality then, Henny?

I'll think one up. That will have something to do with the war. The nose is very important on a man because it's impossible for a man to have sex with a woman unless he has a nice nose this is why all men have nose jobs when they're 16 they just don't tell women they always style their new noses on great heroes like sebastian co david cameron or jamie theakston in fact the theakston nose is one of the more popular noses chosen by men. Graham. That is so bizarre. I think the Theakston nose probably is chosen by men.

Yes, it absolutely is. Well done, yes. Yes, Jamie Theakston said when asked about this, apparently plastic surgeons have said that men are coming in with pictures of my nose and asking for the Theakston. Yeah, my nose. Can you believe it? It's quite flattering. But I'm sure there are more attractive noses to pick. Excuse the joke. Now, that might be one.

Yeah, that was better. Yeah, that was better. Ethiopians consider the nose evil, whereas in Somalia they worship it to such a degree that it has been decreed illegal to carry old chewing gum stuck on the tip of your nose. According to the study of physiognomy, the nose is the most important part of the face

for determining personality. Ah, OK. You can always judge someone by their nose, can't you? You can judge them on any basis you like, but it doesn't mean you're going to be accurate. You know that. You can judge them on their wealth, their ethnicity, their, you know... Yeah, well, in Germany, we did that for a short while.

I wouldn't go down there. Isn't there a line in Shakespeare, give me that man with a big nose and I will hold him in my heart of hearts as I do thee, Cassio? No. I don't think they'd invented calculators, that is.

Fat noses mean you're horrid. Long noses mean you lack compassion. But noses about the size of mine mean you're really lovely and just a little bit sexy too. It's against the law to blow your nose above 15 decibels in Tennessee. Ah, at last, one of those ludicrous American facts. They're all truly stupid facts around about American states,

aren't they? That one isn't. In a controversial experiment, some breeds of dog were trained, literally, to sniff out talent. In 2006, Labradors were utilised extensively in job interviews at senior management level within the banking

industry. Henny? Yeah, that's the sort of thing when they really set up an assessment centre, that's the sort of thing someone might as well, yeah, let's get the dogs in or something. Who let the dogs in? No, that's not true, sadly. There is so many

I get wrong today. The buttons on a man's jacket... Buzz for this one. The buttons on a man's jacket cuff were originally intended to stop the servants from wiping their noses on the sleeves of their uniforms. Henning. Absolutely right, then.

Yes, that is absolutely right. Henning. Absolutely right, then. Yes, that is absolutely right. It's quite strange. Henning and Tony have formed some kind of a coalition. We're buzzing buddies, aren't we? Anyway.

It's true, anyway, that in the Victorian era, mourning clothes were specifically designed with buttons on the cuff to stop people wiping their noses on them while crying. Instead, they had nine-inch shirt cuffs, referred to as weepers, because you could use them to wipe your nose during crying fits. Camels have two noses, one at the front and one on either the front or rear hump, depending on their star sign. Seahorses have no noses at all, while slugs have four. I think the one about seahorses is true.

I mean, what has a seahorse got to smell, really? Well, I don't know, but they do have a nose. Just in case. Yeah. Great. I'm betting that slugs have four noses, just in case seahorses come by. You're absolutely right.

Slugs have four noses. The old master. Yeah. They like beer, don't they, slugs? Yeah, that's right. That's a way of killing slugs. You put beer out and they crawl into it and die. Like students.

Oh, they're slugs. slugs you put beer out and they crawl into it and die like students people who live in the city have longer thicker nose hairs than people who live in the country the story of pinocchio the little boy whose nose got longer when he told fibs was actually adapted from a myth believed in ancient thessalonia that the penis grows larger when you tell lies. Arthur. From my own experience. No, I think that's true. I remember there being something funny about the history of Pinocchio. It's not that. I don't think it's lies with the penis, is it? Well, I'm not giving my secret away. I don't think it's lies with the penis, is it? Well, I'm not giving my secret away.

This is not a myth. It's absolutely true. And this speech, I have to say, has made me feel rather good about myself. Thank you, Tony. And at the end of that round, Tony, you've smuggled two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Somalia, it's been decreed illegal to carry old chewing gum stuck to the tip of your nose. And the other truth is that people who live in the city have longer, thicker nose hairs than people who live in the country. This is to filter out the smog and other pollutants that aren't as bad in the country. And that means, Tony, you've scored two points.

In 1998, Kevin Cole shot a strand of spaghetti out of his nose a record-breaking distance of 7½ inches, before adding, Have you ever been to a harvester before? OK, we turn now to Henning Vane. Your subject, Henning, is apples, the firm, edible, usually rounded fruit of a deciduous Eurasian tree named Malus pumila. Apples are the most rock and roll fruit.

In 1996, Ringo Starr appeared in a Japanese advert for applesauce, as Ringo means apple in Japanese. Similarly, Paul McCartney once did a no-win, no-fee law firm advert, because McCartney means litigious cows in almost every language, as this program will soon find out. But let's start from the beginning. Apples were invented by Jesus.

However, he wouldn't let Adam and Eve near them, as he knew what damaged cider could do to people who were already naked and had unlimited access to animals. unlimited access to animals. In ancient Greece, tossing an apple was a way of proposing marriage. Catching it said yes. There is no known married Scottish goalkeeper. Tony.

I think in ancient Greece, yeah, if you tossed an apple and you caught it your luck was in definitely yes that's true there was some sign made I didn't see it there's definitely all sorts of sign language between Tony and Henning

and I'd feel more comfortable if I thought it was purely sexual wait till he throws an apple and I'd feel more comfortable if I thought it was purely sexual. Wait till he throws an apple. The idea was that a thrown apple would elicit sexual desire. Just eating an apple would too and it was customary in ancient Greece to eat apples on your wedding night. Because they are good at quenching thirst, tubs of apples were taken on Viking journeys. Tony, this is. Tony. This is

absolutely true. It is absolutely true. Because they are good at quenching thirst, taps of apples were taken on Viking journeys. Yes, you said that. I just want to get back into the flow. You can't complain if your flow gets interrupted

when you keep telling Tony the answer. Okay, carry on. So we're still talking about apples and the Viking journeys, and they took tubs of apples. Although they had tubs of apples were taken on Viking journeys.

Graham. I think that's true. I remember something. Well, I think there's sufficient complicity now between Henning and Tony that I'm going to give you a point, Graham, as a punishment to Henning for slow play. I'll try my hardest.

Although they had usually eaten all the apples before they had passed Copenhagen. Who? I don't understand this. And to prevent exactly that scenario... It was the Vikings. The Vikings. I understand now. The Vikings had usually eaten all them apples before they passed Copenhagen

and then mount the rest of the way, that they really needed a toilet, wanted more apples, and that Sven sneezed on my side of the bench. That's my favourite joke that I put in there. Apples arrived in London in 1615 when the Duke of Gala imported them from Braeburn in Scotland. He had so many crates of apples and pears in his home that he used them in place of stairs. Today, apples are most popular in the industrious European Union countries, such as Germany, Prussia, and Greater Bavaria. As apples are better at waking you up in the morning than caffeine,

particularly if thrown at your head. Angela Merkel uses this method to wake up her cabinet. Angela Merkel uses this method to wake up her cabinet. She herself uses an apple to smoke her crystal meth through. Which is also very effective, pick me up. Apples are quite at home in the space age, too. In 1962, applesauce became the first food eaten in space by an astronaut. Tony. This has got to be true.

It is true. Oh. Yes. But that's not the full story, Tony, because the applesauce was too hot, and so he spat it out, and that jammed the re-entry equipment. And hard as it may be to Apple and Eve, NASA sued the applesauce manufacturer using Paul McCartney's no-win-no-feel offer.

Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in 1996, Ringo Starr appeared in a Japanese advertisement for applesauce, as Ringo means apple in Japanese. And the other truth is that apples are better at waking up in the morning than caffeine because although they don't contain caffeine, they do have a lot of glucose in them and that gives you and your brain energy, apparently. So that means you scored two points.

David, do you reckon that Cockney rhyming slang that I tried with the apples, did that come across well or not? I think you simplified rhyming slang admirably there. I don't think David's the right man to be asking. God blimey, Davey. It's the right old pea soup of tonight, isn't it, Governor? I'm so sorry. It's now the turn

of Arthur Smith. Arthur is the man who made Balham what it is today, an act that must weigh very heavily on his conscience. How dare you? Your subject, Arthur, is Lord Byron, the good-looking and flamboyant English poet and satirist who is considered one of the great romantic poets. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you, off you go, Arthur, is Lord Byron, the good-looking and flamboyant English poet and satirist who is considered one of the great romantic poets.

Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Arthur. Lord Byron was invented by Jesus. See the work, the henny. Lord Byron was reputed to have slept with over 8,000 women and 500 men. He was described by Wordsworth as a masculine nymphomaniac. He also suffered from both bulimia and anorexia.

Tony. I think that Wordsworth described him as being a masculine nymphomaniac. He didn't. No. Oh, there you go. At the age of 12, Byron played Hamlet in the school play. When he was only 21, he had a bit part in the bill, or, as it was called then, the peelers.

Tony? I think at the age of 12, it's entirely plausible that a man like him would have been in a play at school. Well, it is true. He was in King Lear at 14. Yes. Really? You did another little slight change like that? Yeah. How do you sleep at night?

I'm just taking this game to another level. Lorne Byron liked to serve wine to his visitors in a human skull which he had found in the cloisters of his home. Tony. Yeah, that's true. That is absolutely true. Well done.

Who would have thought? In 1813, Byron was determined to go to Italy but was too unwell and his club foot was playing him up. Undeterred,

he paid three servants to carry him across the Alps in a sedan chair. Henning. Yeah, that is the total contempt of British upper class

even nowadays still shows towards their servants. You may be making an extremely valuable social point, but factually you're incorrect. Was it for servants? Do you know why it's called a sedan chair? Because you're sedanning it. Oh, Henning's really enjoying that.

Lord Byron's love of exotic pets. He once rode a zebra onto the floor of the House of Lords. He had four pet geese that he used to take with him to dinner parties. While a student at Cambridge, he kept a bear and a gorilla and recommended the bear sit for a fellowship. Henning. I go for the zebra bit that he rode on the zebra into the House of Lords. No. No, that's... He didn't do that.

There was a bloke who used to go around London on a zebra in the 1930s, I heard. Do you think, Henning, that shows the upper class's contempt for stripy animals? Well, it does, because they've got very weak ankles, and their legs just break as soon as you sit on them, apparently. They're not very good to ride on at all. I'm at the limit of my knowledge of riding zebras here. No, but you've got

more knowledge than me. I would never look at a zebra and think, that's a weak-ankled animal. Well, you should get out more. I probably should, yeah. Great. And I'm going to put my money on Lord Byron having a bear at university. Yes, he did have a bear at university.

Well done. The reason he had a bear at university was largely because the college said that he wasn't allowed to keep a dog. So he bloody-mindedly kept a bear. And he wrote to his friend, Elizabeth Piggott, I have a new friend, the finest in the world, a tame bear. When I brought him here, they asked me what I meant to do with him,

and my reply was, he should sit for a fellowship. This answer delighted them not. When Lord Byron's affair with Lady Caroline Lamb became public, Byron found himself one day in Billingsgate Market, where a group of butchers started to go, Ba-ha-ha-ha, ba-ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that's how they talk in the East End. No, sorry, that's not true.

In 1938, when Byron's body was exhumed from the family vault and examined, it was noted that his manhood showed quite abnormal development. Unsurprising when you know that at Cambridge he'd be known among his fellow undergraduates as Nobby Byron. A Cambridge academic thought he'd found a hitherto unknown Byron sonnet in the loft of a house in Norfolk in 1962. However, it was pointed out that it wasn't Byron

written on the front of the manuscript, but Byron. Thank you, Arthur. And, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Byron had four pet geese which travelled in cages under his carriage and accompanied him to social gatherings. His friend, the poet Shelley,

writes that Byron kept a retinue of animals. Ten horses, eight enormous dogs, three monkeys, five cats, an eagle, a crow and a falcon. And all these, except the horses, walk about the house, which every now and then resounds with their unarbitrated quarrels. He had everything but a zebra. Yeah. You were very unlucky there.

Yeah. I think he despised the weak-ankled beasts. Also, for it to have worked for you, he would have needed a zebra with a pass for the House of Lords as well. Do you think they had the same sort of swipe card system then that they have now? Probably. He's got his own barcode anyway. Probably.

It's got its own barcode, anyway. The second truth is that Byron suffered from anorexia nervosa, which was diagnosed by his doctors at the time as brain disease. And the third truth is that in the summer of 1938, when they dug up Byron's body, for no good reason I can think of, one spectator noted the quite abnormal development of the poet's phallus. What's another way of putting that? Club foot. Right, that means, Arthur, that you've scored three points.

When Lord Byron and Lady Caroline Lamb became lovers, they exchanged locks of pubic hair. Isn't it embarrassing when you both get each other the same thing? Now it's the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is fishing. The act of catching fish, typically with rod, line and hook, for consumption or display. Off you go, Graham.

Thomas Birch, the 18th century man of letters, was a keen fisherman, and to blend in with the surroundings and improve his chance of a catch, he used to dress up as a tree. Penning. That sounds a very good strategy, dressing up as a tree. Well, he certainly did it, so well done, yes. Penning himself looks a bit like a tree, don't you think?

Well, he's got a green... Yeah, get your rot out. It's not driving. Penning, you're being unfaithful to me. You'll be wanting that pubic hair back now. Thomas Birch came to a sad end in 1894 when he caught Dutch elm disease and had to be felled. In 1983, when Pope John Paul II

blessed the fishermen's nets in Ibiza, he was ferried across the harbour on a pedalo. Hello. He would bless the nets. I'm sure he would if asked. He obviously had to be there at the time. Yeah, and he wasn't. When did he get shot?

Pope John Paul II? Yeah. I don't think he was actually Pope in 1983. Well, there was some Pope. I think he was. He's not as good as we've got one now. I think he was Pope. No, yeah, it's obviously that was before the big German takeover. Three World Cups and one World Pope.

I wonder, Henning, do you think, was it the fact that the previous Pope was Polish that got the Germans interested? You just, whatever those guys have got, you want to take it off them. Ibethan fisher folk believe it's bad luck to allow a priest onto a fishing boat in case they pinch a few sardines under their cassocks. Tony?

They do believe it's unlucky to invite a priest onto a fishing boat. That's absolutely true. Well done, yeah. In Muncie, Indiana, Arthur, it's illegal to... This absolutely true. Well done, yeah. In Muncie, Indiana, Arthur... Yes. ..it's illegal to... This is true. It's illegal to carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.

Are you sure? Yes, yes. I'm going with it. I know all these American rules are ridiculous and true. Well, yes, you're absolutely right. Yay! Yeah. Me and Graham are folding a kind of detente here. Yeah.

A kind of alliance. In Chicago, it's illegal to go fishing while wearing pyjamas. And in Oblong, Illinois... Oh, that's got to be true, I mean. Even Graham wouldn't invent a place called Oblong, Illinois. It's illegal to make love while fishing on your wedding day. Yes, that is absolutely true.

Yeah, that's right. TV's Chris Tarrant is allergic to fish, so much so that he has actually banned all questions about fish and fishing from who wants to be a millionaire. Henning. I think that Chris Tarrant, he might as well be allergic to fish. What do you mean he might as well be?

No one's going to think, oh, I might as well be allergic to fish. Might as well close off a massive area of food to myself for no reason. But you think he is? I think he's the sort of bloke that is allergic. He's got that. He always struck me a bit like that whenever I've seen him on the telly.

Oh, fish doesn't go down well with him, I always thought. Right. I'm afraid your instinct is wrong in this case. He's not allergic to fish. In fact, TV's Chris Tarrant is a very keen fisherman. Yeah, but he could still be allergic. He could be allergic. He's not allergic to eating fish,

and he's indeed partial to catching them. No, but that really does surprise me. Yeah. Because whenever I watch him, I say, he won't touch a fish. Yeah. I don't know, he just came to me when I watched it. I don't know why.

He's got that look, hasn't he? He does have that look. What was this programme you saw him on then? On private video. You was in it after. Oh, yeah, £4.50 for 12 hours. You have to remember, though, that when Chris Tarrant makes those porn films,

he's actually acting, and he's obviously playing the character of someone who's allergic to fish. He's such a talented pornographic actor, Chris Tarrant, that you get swept up in it, don't you, and you think it's real. I was his fluffer. How was he to work with? He didn't like fish. Relaxing after the 2008 French Grand Prix,

Bernie Ecclestone was on a fishing trip in the Bay of Biscay with the Formula One Extreme Angling Club when he fell into the sea. He was quickly dragged out by Spain's Pedro de la Rosa, but as Bernie didn't meet the EU minimum size rule, they threw him back in again.

Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel, which was the only American truth that Arthur didn't buzz in for, which is that in Chicago, it's illegal to go fishing while wearing pyjamas. And that means you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points,

we have Henning Vein. In third place, with minus one point, it's Arthur Smith. In second place, with one point, it's Tony Hawks. And in first place, with an unassailable four points is this week's winner, Graham Garden. And that's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the Unbelievable Truth.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth is divided by John Macewick and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawkes, Henning Bain, Arthur Smith and Graham Garden. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.