The Unbelievable Truth - 09x01 Parrots, Breakfast, Insurance, Oliver Cromwell

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

09x01 2 April 2012 Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, Graeme Garden, Arthur Smith Parrots, Breakfast, Insurance, Oliver Cromwell

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to the unbelievable truth. Before all the fibbing starts, let me introduce tonight's wonderfully talented panel. All right, the fibbing's started. On tonight's reasonably competent panel are Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by

truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Tony Hawks. Aptly named, Tony is indeed hawk-like, with sharp instincts, a streak of aggression, and mainly living off mice and voles. Tony, your subject is the parrot. A tropical or subtropical bird, characterized by its brightly colored plumage, hooked bill, and ability to mimic sounds, including human speech. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Parrots are the rudest creatures in the world. President Reagan had a parrot put down because it used to shout at guests, beep, off you, beep, beep, son of a beep, you can shove your beep

right up Mrs Thatcher. And the Royal Navy has a parrot aboard ship that shouts, show us your tits. I don't think it shouts that, but I think the Royal Navy have a special parrot that they keep in the special parrot place on the ship. On the Royal Navy ship. The one remaining ship. Basically, a rowing boat with a perch for a parrot.

There's definitely something to do with the navy and parrots yes well specifically the royal navy has a parrot aboard a ship that shouts show us your tits is in fact completely true no not the show us your no no yes no i know you don't think that's true. Sorry. Oh, yeah, I do think it's true. So you do get a point for buzzing in to say next to the thing that was true, even though you didn't think it was true. Yes, the parrot is called Sunny. It's an African grey which lives on HMS Lancaster.

Officers aboard were worried that Sunny would disgrace herself and the Queen visited HMS Lancaster in Portsmouth, but were told that the Queen would not have a problem with such language. Sunny's other expressions include, you ain't seen me, right? And Zulu's thousands of them. David, I don't think you've done a proper impression of a parrot and that the audience would appreciate

if you sounded more like a parrot when you said them. Am I right? I think the onus is on the parrot to do an impression of a human. That's the whole point of a parrot. Did you say it's a female parrot? Yes. There's a gay female parrot in the Navy.

Why is it gay? Well, show us your tits. Oh, I see, yeah. Well, tits are another bird so is it a parrot that's interested in other forms of bird life yes I think so I think you're reading far too much into yes it's a heterosexual female parrot? We don't know its sexuality, but it's a keen bird watcher, that's all. It's got a very gruff voice, though, the way it says, Zulus. Parrots are the most promiscuous of all birds, one unfortunate side effect being an unsightly blistering around the beak, known as chirpies. The good news is that it's entirely

tweetable. A pet parrot in Rochdale that was being stalked by neighbouring cats has learnt to imitate a barking dog. And in Alaska, a parrot... Graham, I totally believe the barking dog parrot. You're absolutely

right, too. Well done. Perky the parrot has learnt to bark like an angry rottweiler to scare off cats who try to attack him when his owner puts him on his perch outside on hot days. Do you think the dogs believed it? The dog doesn't have to believe it. It's for cats to believe it. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Yeah. It might attract dogs. A dog might find it sexy. Yeah. That's a sexy-sounding rock violin. That would be unfortunate if you were a dog, you're going into the barn,

expecting to have a bit of a good time with a bitch in the barn, and you've ended up in bed with a parrot. That's actually an idea for a rather moving Disney cartoon. Tony. And in Alaska, a parrot called Neville writes all of Sarah Palin's speeches. Elizabeth Taylor owned two parrots

named Dick and Liz. Artist Paul Cezanne, who painted over 200 paintings of parrots, taught his parrot to say, Cezanne is a great painter. Arthur. I think Cezanne and the parrot I don't think he painted 200 did he maybe I'm not sure which fact I'm going for here I don't think Cezanne painted parrots it's true but I've got a feeling he owned one he would have

done at the bottom of Mont Saint-Victoire with his parrot I can just see it you're absolutely right he you are yeah you're right he he didn't paint over 200 paintings of parrots he probably only painted one we think but he taught his parrot to say suzanne is a great painter apparently this was probably to compensate for the fact that the eccentric suzanne felt he was a failure as an artist so he taught his parrot to cheer him up. If only Hitler had left it at that. The famous Monty Python dead parrot sketch, written by Neil Kinnock and Plato, was actually based on Puccini's opera La citazione delle cose in italiano sulla radio quattro vi fa sembrare intelligente, which translates as

quoting things in Italian on Radio 4 makes you look intelligent. As does applauding them before they've been translated. Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita mi ritrovai per una selva oscura che la diritta via era smarita. Who knows what that's from?

Danza, you see? Yeah. E periculoso... E periculoso sporgessi dalla finestra. Dove esti stazione da polizia? Shut up, you face. But as always happens, life has imitated art. In 1997, a Swedish woman took her local pet shop to court

over a parrot which had dropped dead a couple of days after she bought it. When she complained to the shop, they suggested it might just have been sleeping. Lucy. A Swedish woman did take... Life did imitate art in this particular occasion. You are quite right. The woman in Malmö, southern Sweden,

took the pet shop who sold her the $650 parrot to court because it died a couple of days after she bought it. When she first complained to the shop, they insisted it might have been asleep. On International Parrots Day, May the 5th, I competed against a parrot on a special edition of Just a Minute. Freddie's subject was, who's a pretty boy then? And to be honest, it wasn't long before there was a repetition, which annoyingly, Giles Brandreth spotted before me. There are reliable reports of parrots living to 250 years of age. To date, however,

no parrot has outlived Nicholas Parsons. Graham? I think parrots do live a long time, and yeah, I'll stick my neck out and say up to 250 years. Or just longer than Nicholas Parsons, although... Nicholas Parsons has always been. No, I'm afraid you're wrong, Graham. The oldest recorded parrot died at the age of 128.

Oh, that is younger than Nicholas Parsons. Yeah. Thank you, Tony. And at the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Elizabeth Taylor owned two parrots named Dick and Liz. She was an ardent parrot fan and used to take her pet parrot on tour with her. Anyway, that means you've scored one point.

The Duchess of Richmond was buried in Westminster Abbey in 1702 with her favourite pet parrot by her side. Reputedly the oldest stuffed bird in existence, she was married to the Duke of Richmond. Royal Navy officers requested that a parrot would shout, show us your tits, at women, was always taken off the ship before royal visits. Though they never used to bother when it was the Duchess of York, as everyone had seen them already.

OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Lucy gave birth to her second child on Christmas Eve, and next Christmas is looking forward to giving her baby the first of a lifetime of disappointing combined Christmas and birthday presents. Your subject, Lucy, is breakfast, the first meal of the day, usually eaten in the morning and comprising a variety of carbohydrates, fruits and proteins. Off you go, Lucy. In the words of the great hotelier Rocco Forte, one man's breakfast is £17.50. The sign B&B originally denoted a brothel standing for bed and board, spelt B-A-W-D. To this day, the landladies of most B&Bs will provide sexual favours if you ask them nicely. In my experience, that is true. That wasn't a truth that Lucy was provided with. Well, it's a truth in my experience.

I've never once stayed at a B&B without sleeping with a landlady. Well, that's pretty compelling. I mean, I don't think I can give you the point for now, but I'm happy to revise it if you can provide evidence. Is there anyone in here tonight who's been a B&B and slept with me? There you are, a couple of us. Look, Arthur, that's literally no more than seven or eight people. It's not enough.

All right. Lucy. Of course, all healthy eaters are familiar with the maxim, breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman. I like the Spanish proverb about breakfast. A kiss without a moustache is like an egg without salt. Is that about breakfast? That's about kissing people with moustaches, isn't it?

I'm talking about my B&B experience. I'm getting a visual picture of the landlady now. I'm saved now. The current queen is entertained by bagpipe music at breakfast each morning when a piper marches outside the dining room window for 15 minutes.

Tony. This does happen when she goes to Balmoral. Yeah. I'll take that then. Poor woman. She likes it. I mean, she's had a very odd upbringing, there's no doubt. But no, the position of the Queen's Piper dates back to Queen Victoria

and is one of the highest accolades available to a piper serving in the armed forces. Henry VIII was popular with the ladies-in-waiting at his court after giving them an allowance of two loaves, a joint of beef and a gallon of ale each day for breakfast. Surprisingly, his male attendants were each given an egg white omelette and a fresh mint tea.

Maybe they did get that for breakfast. They had eccentric breakfast in those days. Which one? The one that's correct. Well negotiated. You're right. that is the one that's right. Yes, it's the ladies-in-waiting at this court were given an allowance of two loaves, a joint of beef and a gallon of ale. Oh, wow, it's a woman's breakfast.

Due to budget cuts, the presenters of BBC Breakfast aren't actually provided with any breakfast. Bill Turnbull and Susanna Reid have to make do with whatever remains of the hospitality from the previous evening's news night. Often, Kirstie Walker's left them nothing more than a jar of pickled walnuts and half a bottle of sherry, and if it's

a Paxman show, there's just the mutilated carcass of an ox. The genius responsible for the sausage packet bearing the words prick with fork next to a picture of Ainsley Harriot... LAUGHTER ..may also be behind an unfortunate instruction on packets of sun-made raisins.

It read, Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal? The Hungarian slogan for Rice Krispies is I believe that one. There's a lot of funny words out there in foreign languages. I'm afraid you're wrong, Arthur. No, it's not The German word

means grief bacon, the weight you gain by overeating when unhappy. Obviously, Muslims have grief beef and vegetarians have boohoo tofu. Tony. I'm going for grief bacon. You're absolutely right. That's, yeah. There are other useful German words for things unlabelled in English,

such as Drachenfutter, which literally means dragon fodder, the peace offerings made by guilty husbands to their wives. And Backpfeifengesicht, meaning a face that cries out for a fist in it. Tradition has it that if cooking bacon curls up in the pan, a new lover is about to arrive. I try it every day, but nothing happens except my husband wanders into the kitchen saying, Oh, bacon.

Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that an unfortunate instruction on packets of sun-made raisins read why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal there have been a number of entertaining product instructions such as this over the years including on a jet ski never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level and on a collapsible baby buggy caution remove infant before folding for storage.

I've got another one. On tampons, I think there was one saying for a limited period only. And the other truth you smuggled, Lucy, is that in Devon, tradition has it that if cooking bacon curls up in the pan, a new lover is about to arrive. And that means, Lucy, you've scored two points.

Cornflakes is American street slang for cocaine, which explains some of the embarrassing confusion I had one morning in a New York hotel when I was trying to score some top-grade Charlie. Next up is Graham Garden. Graham trained as a doctor, but decided in the end that laughter is the best form of medicine. It isn't, of course. That's penicillin.

Graham, your subject is insurance, a contract in which one party undertakes to indemnify or reimburse another against loss by designated hazards in consideration of a payment proportionate to the risk involved. Off you go, Graham. The Crown Jewels are insured for £2 billion, but beef eaters who live in the Tower of London have been refused household insurance because of their Tower Hamlets postcode.

Arthur. I think they're insured for £2 billion. They're not. No. Do you know, the Crown Jewels are not insured. Really? Yeah. Come on, what are we waiting for?

Let's get round there. Why would you want to steal them more if they're uninsured? They won't be so bothered. They'll be more bothered, you're right. I think they're not insured, but they are, I think it's fair to say, guarded. Is the reason they're not insured because the Queen's got form because of that fire at Windsor Castle? She's like...

The smallest insurance premium on record is the one paid to insure the Golden State Coach at the coronation in 1953. As a vehicle on the highway, it technically had to be insured, and it was covered by the privy purse for a premium payment of one old penny tony well i i don't think there was any entertainment value in that story other than it being true not i'm afraid to say even that

just a really dull section. Carry on, Graham. But you've got to say it's fiendish gameplay. Andrew Lloyd Webber has insured his ears for £2 million each. Maggie Smith's eyebrows are insured for £100,000. Tony? I'm going for the Andrew Lloyd Webber ears. No. No? No. Well for the Andrew Lloyd Webber ears. No.

No? No. Well, that face, come on. That face must be insured. Obviously, he's had the payout decades ago. Dolly Partners insured her bust for £2 million. Michael Flatley, his legs, for £25 million. Ken Dodd, his teeth for 4 million.

And why is Andrew Lloyd Webber so mean about his ears? Well, I suppose, you know, he's had to listen to a lot of his own music. So he's probably praying for deafness. When Otis Robbins got up unhurt after being hit by a car in New York, a passerby told him to lie down again and pretend he was injured so he could make an insurance claim. He did, but the car rolled forward and crushed him to death. Lucy. I like that story. I think it's true.

It's a heartwarming story, isn't it? Yes, it is true. Yeah, well done. Eric Pickles has insured his bathroom scales for £10,000. An important message here from insurance companies to wives and girlfriends. Men with facial hair have more car accidents than men who are clean-shaven.

But if you kiss your man before he sets off from home, he's less likely to have a car accident. Tony. I'm going for the fact about the beard. You are actually more likely to have a car accident. Tony? I'm going for the fact about the beard. You are actually more likely to have a car accident if you've got facial hair. That's not true. I'm sorry.

David's got a sort of beard, I should point out. I have got a sort of beard, and I'm an extremely prudent man when it comes to traffic. I'm not sure if you'd really call it a beard as such. Why wouldn't you? Well, it's a bit feeble. I mean, it's not exactly, you know,

WG Grace, is it? I'm not Dumbledore. It's just what grew there. The thing is, it's hardly more than stubble. It doesn't warrant the word beard in my book. Oh, well, apparently. Thank you. Oh, dear, listen to all the women queuing over him.

It's revolting. Women, we do like the facial hair. You get to kiss and exfoliate at the same time. It's nice. Lucy, you buzzed. Was there a bit which said you're less likely to have an accident if your wife kisses you? Yeah, if you kiss your man before he sets off for which said you're less likely to have an accident if your wife kisses you? Yeah, if you kiss your man before he sets off for home,

he's less likely to have an accident. I bet there's been some research done that's shown that. You're absolutely right. That is true. The German National Centre for Health Statistics teamed up with insurance companies and found that people who kiss their spouses every morning have fewer car accidents, take fewer sick days and earn 20% to 30% more than non-kissers.

Rupert Murdoch has ensured his charisma for £5 million. When he was asked to insure Jack Lemmon's valuable Gloucester Old Spot pig, George Clooney, who was working as a door-to-door insurance salesman at the time, fell in love with the animal and bought it as a pet. He called it Porky. And Japanese golfers insure themselves against getting a hole-in-one. I think in Japan, if you get a hole-in-one, you have to take everybody in the club out for a beer and buy them a beer,

and they do insure themselves against this. You're absolutely right. Well done. Yes, the tradition in Japan is if you get a hole in one you're supposed to share the luck by sending gifts to family and friends and the cost of this can often amount to as much as ten thousand dollars which people insure against thank you graham and graham at the end of round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that, despite living inside a fortress, beef eaters in the Tower of London have been refused household insurance

because of their Tower Hamlets postcode. Insurers don't like the borough's high crime rates. I don't know whether they're still counting all the beheadings that used to go on. And the second truth is that George Clooney once worked as a daughter-to-door insurance salesman. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points. Now it's the turn of Arthur Smith.

Arthur describes himself as a semi-professional comedian, a description we're very happy to go along with, as it saves us half his fee. Your subject, Arthur, is Oliver Cromwell, a Puritan English general and statesman who led the Parliamentary Army in the English Civil War before serving as Lord Protector of England, Scotland and Ireland. Off you go, Arthur.

As a child, Oliver Cromwell met the future Charles I when James I was staying at his uncle's house. By tradition, the meeting was not a success. They had a game of marbles and played British Bulldog with some common boys from the village, followed by a fight with Oliver drawing royal blood. Actually, the young Cromwell was a bit of a card. It's reported he made ghost noises outside his guests' bedrooms

and put sticky sweets onto their chairs and tricked them into sitting down. Graham. I'll go for him making ghost noises outside the bedroom. No. Well, he does now. Yes, but not as a joke now, as a desperate soul's bleat for salvation. Oliver Cromwell started his working life in his late teens when upon his father's death, despite his huge brain, he was forced to leave his theological studies and open up a hot dog stall in Tyburn. Ironic as two years after his death, his body was dug up and hanged at Tyburn. He was then beheaded and flung in a pit. Tony, I think he was buried at Tyburn. That's not what Arthur said,

but that bit is true. So I'm going to give you the point. Hang on, that's not what I said. No, but... Graham. He was dug up, beheaded and thrown in a pit. Yes, that's... Give it to Graham.

I feel Tony feels that I've been very biased in favour of the people on my left. And I feel I've got to give him the point. Thank you. It's a sign of weakness. Thank you. In the Puritan purge of the 17th century, Cromwell's Parliament banned the following.

The selling of hotcakes, whistling, the wearing of cod pieces, Terry's chocolate oranges, embroidery. Tony. Well, there's undoubtedly going to be something in there that's true. Yeah. And I think I know what it is.

Well, just tell us. Don't mess around with this. Hot cakes. No. Oh! Embroidery, skipping, farting, the playing of hopscotch and British Bulldog, kissing on Fridays and Sundays, the sale of French cheese Tony, I'm coming out for more.

Yep. This time, I know I'm right. OK. Hopscotch. No. Oh. Can I have a go at one of those? Yeah, yeah, have a go.

It's like the Generation Game. I'm just going to say what I can remember. There was a kissing one one of those? Yeah, yeah, have a go. It's like the generation game. I'm just going to say what I can remember. There was a kissing one. Kissing? Ever? I'm going to give you the point. Kissing on Sundays. Oh, thank goodness. And in fact, this wasn't the first time kissing had been banned.

Henry VI banned it in 1439 to help prevent the spread of the Black Death. And later, in 169999 the puritans in boston massachusetts made kissing in public a crime just think of the car accidents that would have ensued that's why they invented insurance yeah cromwell once got drunk with the pope and they had a kiss around the back of the Vatican. Cromwell, however, was outraged when the Pope tried to get the tongue in. Thank you, Arthur.

And, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that as a child, Oliver Cromwell met the future Charles I when James I was staying at his uncle's house. And tradition has it that the boys had a fight with Cromwell met the future Charles I when James I was staying at his uncle's house. And tradition has it that the boys had a fight with Cromwell drawing royal blood. Although we don't have proof of that, but they certainly will have met. The second truth is that in contrast to his Puritan image, Cromwell was well known as a practical joker.

And it's reported he used to put sticky sweets onto guests' chairs and trick them into sitting down. And the third truth you smuggled past the panel is that Cromwell had a very large brain, as did Turgenev and Byron. His brain was about 60% bigger than average, the average size being three pounds one ounce. And that means you've scored three points, Arthur. Three! In 1644, Oliver Cromwell banned the eating of pies in england calling it a pagan form of pleasure coincidentally the company motto of greg's the bakers as a young man it's reported that oliver

cromwell would put sticky sweets onto his guests chairs and trick them into sitting down so next time someone tells you the puritans had no sense of humour, tell them they're right. Oliver Cromwell had one of the biggest brains ever measured, and after 1649, Charles I had one of the most portable. Oliver Cromwell was buried in 1658, but two years later, Charles II gave the order that his body should be dug up, hanged at Tyburn, beheaded, and then flung into a pit to rot. Otherwise known as the Co-op Value Funeral Plan.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Tony Hawks. In joint second place, with minus one point each, it's Arthur Smith and Graham Garden. And in first place with an unassailable three points is this week's winner, Lucy Porter.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John A. Smith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Lucy Porter and Graham Garden. and graham garden and featured david mitchell in the chair with panelists tony hawks arthur smith lucy porter and graham garden the chairman's script was written by dan gaster and colin

swash and the producer was john naysmith it was a random production for bbc radio 4