The Unbelievable Truth - 09x02 Smoking, Football, China, Pandas

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

09x02 9 April 2012 Tom Wrigglesworth, Henning Wehn, Danielle Ward, John Finnemore Smoking, Football, China, Pandas

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to the unbelievable truth. Picking the gherkin of truth out of the hamburger of lies are four comedians, all of whom will be familiar to you, given half a chance. Please welcome Tom Rigglesworth, Henning Vein, Danielle Ward and John Finnemore. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should

attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by trues that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tom Rigglesworth. Tom's Edinburgh show about virgin trains included his own genuine correspondence

with Richard Branson, one of those people who's so famous you don't need to write the address on the envelope. Just put bearded dickhead and it gets straight to him. If occasionally via Lord Sugar. sugar or me tom your subject is smoking the practice by which a substance most commonly tobacco is burned and the smoke is tasted or inhaled off you go tom fingers on buzzers the rest of you is that it there's no introduction i'm just chucked in at the deep end. Well, I mean, there was that introduction. It just felt a bit formal, you know. What do you want? Some sort of intro music? Yeah, any dry ice or anything like that? No, no, it's just...

No, I think I'll be OK. I've just got a bit jittery. Right. So, anyway, the subject to remind the audience is smoking. Fingers on buzz, the rest of you. Steady yourself. Off you go, Tom. Da-da-da! Tom Wigglesworth!

Da-da-da-da-da-da! Inuit tribesmen, who'd used up all their words on snow, still have no word for smoking. Instead, they adopt a gesture where the hand is raised to the mouth and gently waggled. This caused merry hell when Ian Jackson, a visiting anthropologist from Leeds, thought the locals were mocking the memory of Jimmy Savile.

Although tobacco had been well known since it was introduced by Sir Walter Raleigh, together with the bicycle, smoking was properly invented in 1995 as a way of fighting back against the life-lengthening effects of health and safety initiatives and modern medicine. No? No, just, you know...

Henny, you don't need to... You don't let him bully you or lure you into buzzing. Well, he wouldn't lie to me, would he? Henning, if you'd like to say you think something's true, you can, but you can withdraw the buzz, because I think it was extorted from you. Well, you give me now the impression, essentially, now you're bullying me, suggesting I should take it back. Really, that is ridiculous.

You try and help some people. Do you think Walter Raleigh introduced the bicycle to Britain? No. No. Good? Well, I think I've handled this episode very well. Tom, carry on. Two years later, in 1997, smoking claimed its first victim, Samuel Bratt, a Californian who was never allowed to smoke in the house. So he left his entire

fortune to his wife, provided that she smoked five cigars a day for the rest of her life. John. That's the sort of horrible thing a horrible man might do. It is, and that horrible man might do it is and that horrible man did do that yes in 1960 he left his wife the sum of 330 000 pounds on condition that she smoked five cigars a day as revenge for her not allowing him to smoke in the house this posthumous pettiness comes from the idea that in victorian london a man smoking a cigar could never lose an argument. Danielle. I'm going to say that's true because he paused. I'm afraid you were lured in wrongly by that pause because that's not true, that a man

smoking a cigar could never lose an argument. That wouldn't make sense, would it? Because it always depends on the strength of the argument as well then. Exactly. The cigar could provide some kind of rhetorical force, maybe. Yeah, stick it in someone's eye. Certainly temporarily, you're one up ten.

Yeah. Well, fingers on the buzzers, Henning. Let's see what you think to this. If both parties had a doobie on the go, advantage would go to the one wearing a monocle. This is an improvement on Edwardian times when ladies were warned not to even speak to a man who was enjoying a cigar, as this would render the stoogey fit only for the bin.

Studies suggest that American university students in the 1970s were nearly four times as likely to admit to having sex if they smoked. It has also been commonly assumed that the raging libido of that lot across the pond is merely a hang-up from the early days of North American colonisation, when smokers, for medicinal purposes, would sometimes add minced beaver's testicles. I'm starting to get sick of the sound of my own voice. Thorough Council in Essex ordered smoking workers to put in an extra half an hour a day

to compensate for time lost on cigarette breaks. Penny. That sounds plausible that Thorough Council made people work an extra half a day. Yes, you're quite right. Half a day. You've correctly analysed the cut of Thurrock Council's jib there. Yeah, no, all I know is, I mean, Tom is from Yorkshire,

and he would never know of Thurrock if he hadn't read the fact somewhere that was lying behind it. He just wouldn't have come up with Thurrock no he wouldn't that's a very good point no thurrock council allows smokers two 15 minute breaks a day outside but only if they make up the time at the end of their shift two 15 minutes breaks a day that's no good if you're a smoker is it because you want like five three minute breaks a day don't you it's like i always think it'd be useful to be able to sort of just eat one massive meal at the beginning of the week

so i suppose you know if you kind of go well i'm a 20 a day smoker i'll smoke them in two bursts of 10 it'll be much more convenient but it's just not anyway that's the end of tom's lecture and at the end of that round tom you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel during that long bit where you became tired of your own voice. The first is that in Edwardian times, some etiquette books warned ladies not to speak to a man who was enjoying a cigar. The second truth is that American university students in the 1970s were nearly

four times as likely to admit to having sex if they smoked. The UN's World Health Organization quotes a 1994 report which says, teens who smoke are three times more likely than non-smokers to use alcohol, eight times more likely to use marijuana, and 22 times more likely to use cocaine. Basically, that 1994 report might as well have just said, smoking is cool. And the third truth that you managed to smuggle is that in the early days of North American colonisation, smokers would sometimes add minced beaver's testicles to tobacco.

Beaver testicles were prized for their medicinal qualities and were regarded as both a natural painkiller and a contraceptive. But that means, Tom, you've scored three points. We turn now to Henning Vein. Henning's comedy seeks to put to rest tired German stereotypes based on the war. He expands on this in his new CD entitled My Struggle and in his new tour entitled No Surrender. Your subject, Henning, is football, a game played by two teams on a rectangular pitch with goalposts at either end whose object is to gain possession of a spherical ball

and propel it across the opponent's goal line. Off you go, Henning. Football was invented by Jesus. It has caused nothing but trouble from day one. Jesus's team, Dynamo Bethlehem, nicknamed the Apostles, never suffered from lasting injury problems. This miraculous healing meant that subs weren't really needed and big number 12, Judas Iscariot, hardly ever got a gain.

So Teves, no, Judas, So Tevez, no, Judas, went on strike and was subsequently sold for 30 pieces of silver to Roma. Jesus himself has maintained his interest in football through the ages. He only ended his distinguished career in 1994 after a brief spell as goalkeeper with Portuguese outfit Chaves. John. Right, now Jesus is a popular name in Portugal, so was there a goalkeeper called Jesus? You're right, there was. Well spotted. Yes, Antonio de Jesus Pereira, known as Jesus, played in goal at a senior level for seven different teams and played seven times for Portugal. He was virtually omnipresent, wasn't he? Well, the church and goalkeeping have always had close connections.

Pope John Paul II was an aspiring goalkeeper. John. That's true. You're quite right. Pope John Paul II played regularly for his school and university side until Hitler's invasion of Poland in 1939. Come on, now. Come on, how does that end up in the story?

Anyway. I know you hate any mention of it, Henny. Yeah, unless I do them. And then there's an answer to FIFA rules forbidding players from wearing glasses. Geeks decided to set up their own version of a football tournament, the annual Robot Soccer World Cup. So far, the Robot World Cup has always been won by Korea.

John? Yes, I think that's true. What's true? That the Robot Cup has always been won by Korea. That is not true, but... It's not only not true, that's racist to imagine that that's true. But what was a fact, and I'm tempted

to give you a point, was just that there is a Robot World Cup. And your knowledge of that fact was so evident in your racist speculation as to who might have won it, that I think you get a point for that. Thank you very much. The RoboCup Federation hope that by 2050, a team of fully autonomous humanoid robot soccer players

will win a soccer game complying with the official FIFA rules against the winner of the most recent World Cup of Human Soccer. That terrifies me. They could run around and kick a ball and beat us at football. What else can they do? Bring us breakfast in bed. Yes, and then stranglers. Last year, England attempted to field a team of clockwork players,

but that ended in a brawl after John Terry wound them all up the wrong way. The by far biggest rivalry in modern football is between England and Germany, a real neck-and-neck rivalry, best illustrated by the fact that Germany has played in 13 major finals and England in one. Tom. I completely agree that it was one of the biggest rivalries in the game. Yeah, England-Germany, always a big game, particularly for England.

What? Germany, usually a lot bigger games to come after. Usually a lot bigger games to come after. Henning was actually saying it was by far the biggest rivalry in modern football. Surely it would be something like Brazil-Argentina, or more populous countries would by definition have bigger rivalries. Well, it's interesting you've snubbed that one, because I had a list. What was your next one on your list? The next one, and dare I say main one,

was the number of finals that teams have appeared in. That Germany played in 13 major finals and England in one. Yeah. Yes, that's true. That's what I meant. Yes, well done. The most famous English footballer is Geoff Hurst, thanks to the 1966 World Cup final in which he scored twice.

Henning, you're not allowed to buzz yourself. Well, I mean, I'm sure we all know an imaginary third goal was allowed to stand because the Armenian linesman hated Germany and was promised an OBE. And his countrymen, who also all hated Germany, were so proud of this shameful bit of anti-German cheating that they named a national stadium in Yerevan after him. Today, the Tophik Bahramov Stadium stands as a testament to bad sportsmanship and everyone having a right old go at Germany. Danielle. Is the stadium true?

The stadium is true. Yes, well done. The Tophik Baromov Stadium in 1993 was named in the memory of the Azerbaijani linesman who ruled that England's widely contested third goal in the 1966 final was in. Do you know who paid for the stadium? The English FA. The goal has entered German vernacular. A dubious goal that should not have been awarded is now referred to as a Wembley goal. Is that right, Henning?

Now, I'm not into football. Am I to understand... Yes, yes, John. Am I to understand that one of the goals that England scored in the 1966 World Cup final is disputed? Yeah, to put it mildly. To put it mildly.

Without that goal, would it not have been a winning scoreline? No, it wouldn't. So how many goals did England score? Well, they scored... well, I mean... How many goals were awarded to England? There were four goals awarded to England.

And you accept how many of them? Three of them. I know where you're going with this, but it's not true. How many, Henning? How many did your country, West Germany, two? Okay, so what is the problem

well scoring goals like comedy is all about timing that's the end of your lecture, thank you Henning and at the end of that round. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, I'm afraid to say that you've smuggled no truths. Because I'm a decent human being.

That means that you've scored no points! Yeah, applaud that. Next up is Danielle Ward. Danielle is the writer of the musical Sister Psycho about a killer robotic lesbian nun, which certainly opened my eyes to the darker side of Mother Teresa. Danielle, your subject is China, a heavily populated communist country covering a large area of Eastern Asia. Off you go, Danielle.

The Ming Dynasty refers to a period of China's history when the country was ruled by tyrannical Oscar winner Max von Sydow. The Ming family were considered extremely ugly and were known as Mingers. Paper was invented in China in 105 AD by a eunuch. Henny. Paper, that was invented in China, no? It was, yes. Well done.

His nearest rival was a man from Shanghai with half a testicle who invented the wheelbarrow. This is contrary to the popular myth that the wheelbarrow was invented by a man from Shanghai with giant testicles. Modern China is completely westernised with over 10,000 branches of Starbucks on the mainland alone. Henny, I think there is 10,000 branches of Starbucks.

No. There are about 450 to 500 at the moment. One global brand the Chinese have failed to embrace, though, is Pepsi. This is because in China the slogan come alive with Pepsi was mistranslated as Pepsi brings your relatives back from the dead. John. Well I believe I heard that fact so I think it's true. You did indeed. Yeah and it is true. Local shopkeepers mistranslated the slogan other unfortunate direct translations include the ford pinto which was translated in brazil as tiny genitals and in china coca-cola was written keiku keila or a female horse stuffed with wax

the chinese love their animals, often making them into superstars. The main attraction at a zoo in Guangzhou City is a five-legged bull. The animal looks perfectly normal, apart from an extra leg growing on its back. John. I just think that Danielle hated saying that city so much,

but she wouldn't have put it in herself, and therefore it might be true. You're right yeah a mere little restaurant in china is exactly the same as what we're used to at the takeaway in britain all washed down with baby mouse wine which is a bottle of wine packed with baby mice to add flavor the flavor of baby mice it is not true that a wide number of languages are spoken in China. In fact, China has more English speakers than the United States. Tom. I reckon that's true.

There's a massive drive to speak English there, isn't there? Yes. The US has a population of 300 million, not all of whom speak English. The number of Chinese people who have learnt or are currently learning English is well over 300 million and rising. Well done, Tom. That was a bit sinister to say

and rising. That was like a big warning for all them immigrants. It's rising. Their number is rising. Yeah, they're over 300 million and invading. Well, you could always say they're considerably less than 400 million.

That would be a more positive spin on it, wouldn't it? Yes, but I don't know that they are. It's probably gone up by a million in the time we've been speaking. We've been wasting our time trying to be satirical. We should be arming ourselves. Look at that there. In Britain, people are laughing. In America, they would

make you president. Finally, the Chinese people take great pride in the fact that the Great Wall of China is the only man-made structure on Earth from which you can see the moon. Thank you, Danielle. And at the end of that round, Danielle,

you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that baby mouse wine is a traditional health drink made by drowning baby mice in rice wine and letting the mixture ferment for about a year. It is believed to cure all manner of ailments, including asthma and liver problems. And it doesn't. That means you've scored one point. In ancient Chinese culture, it was common to use the lining of a cat's stomach as a condom,

though the spontaneity of the moment could sometimes be ruined by the struggle to get it out of the original packaging. Now it's the turn of John Finnemore. You may recognise John's voice from the hit Radio 4 comedy Cabin Pressure, in which he plays the character of airline steward Arthur Shappey. A nervy, unreliable, but ultimately lovable idiot, John also writes the show. Your subject, John, is the panda,

a mammal native to China and known for its distinctive black and white markings and primary diet of bamboo shoots. Off you go, John. The giant panda is a large black and white bear. No, of course not. No, to what will be David's fury, the giant panda is either an enormous brown and white raccoon or a small pink and white rabbit. Penny.

I might not come across as incredibly stupid, but a panda, there is a black and white bear, no? You're right, it is. Yes, you cut straight through it there. That's, to my delight, a panda that looks like a large black and white bear. We are allowed officially to call a bear. Only recently has that been allowed. It was not until 1985 that DNA analysis finally established that they're

bears and not raccoons. You can see what the scientific community wanted to do. Wanted to look at what is obviously a massive bear and say oh no, it's an insect. It's a massive bloated cat. It's a rocky outcrop.

But no, bad luck scientists, it turns out it looks like a bear, and it is a bear. But actually, pandas are carnivores, and their natural prey is, of course, the penguin, in a sad display of black and white on black and white violence. Unfortunately, there are no penguins in China, and so the pandas have had to make do with penguin biscuits. Unfortunately, there are no penguin biscuits in China,

or at least there weren't, until the actress Leslie Ash, who was visiting China as head of a UN nuclear warhead inspection committee, was so moved by the sight of the biscuitless pandas that she began her famous fundraising campaign, pa-pick-up-a-pa-penguin-and-g-give-it-to-a-pa-panda. Accordingly, a factory has now been specially built in China to bake the biscuits for pandas, and Leslie Ash is now engaged in a plan

to trick penguins into coming to visit. Tom. I reckon that China does indeed have a biscuit factory it does indeed and not only does it have a biscuit factory it also more specifically has a factory baking biscuits for pandas. John? Pandas hatch from their eggs with their teeth and their prejudices fully formed. Any. Well, they might.

Obviously, they didn't hatch from the edge, but they might be born with their teeth fully formed. But that's not what John said. Okay, well, I mean, that's not what he said, then. I didn't challenge it. Yeah. So who gets a point now?

You lose a point. Oh. You think that's why you should play this game? Don't... Don't start siding with him or I'll get nasty. You're a horrible man, then. Yes, I may be a horrible man, but it's important the horrible men should be in charge of tiny quizzes.

Well, that is wrong. Because it reminds you that sometimes horrible men should be in charge of more important things. John. Pandas are gregarious animals. They live colonies of nine or ten thousand centered around one dominant female the queen panda she is easy to spot as she is six times the size of a normal panda glows in the dark and wears a crown many things have been named after pandas panda crossings with their distinctive triangular markings allowing alternate crossings for traffic, pedestrians and aircraft. The word to panda meaning to spoil a panda.

And the Republic of Panda-stan. The tragic story of pandas in America began when a New York fashion designer smuggled one home from China with her, claiming it was her dog. Danielle. That sounds like the sort of rubbish that's true. It is the sort of rubbish that's true. Brilliant. Yes.

Ruth Harkness, a New York fashion designer and socialite, smuggled a panda cub back to the USA with her, carried onto the boat home in her arms under a permit reading, Dog, $20. The panda turned out to be pregnant, and within months, pandas had spread across the whole continent of North America. With the result today of the huge herds of pandas that now roam the Midwest,

terrorizing villages and devastating the local penguin population. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel which are firstly that pandas are strictly speaking carnivores they have carnivore teeth designed for ripping and chewing meat and have been known to eat other animals which might explain why their digestive system is so inefficient at processing bamboo and the second truth is that there is such a thing as a panda crossing in 1961 45 trial panda road crossings were set up in gilford lincoln and london these consisted of triangular white road markings belicia beacons with black stripes on top

and a series of flashing amber and red lights. Despite a large promotional campaign, the new crossings were met with confusion by road users and failed to catch on. That means, John, you've scored two points. Female pandas ovulate just once a year and are fertile for only two or three days, putting them above humans as the mammal most suited to Catholicism. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Henning Vein.

In third place, with one point, it's Danielle Ward. In second place, with four points, it's Tom Rigglesworth. And in first place with another sayable seven points is this week's winner, John Finnemore. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Finnnamore, Daniel Ward, Tom Rigglesworth and Kenny Vane. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Kevin Swash and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.