The Unbelievable Truth - 09x04 Barbie, Restaurants, Feet, Garlic

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

09x04 23 April 2012 Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, Graeme Garden Barbie, Restaurants, Feet, Garlic

We present the Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to the unbelievable truth. On tonight's panel are four of the funniest, most entertaining people you could hope to book with just 24 hours notice. Please welcome Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Arthur Smith. Arthur is one of the elder statesmen of alternative comedy, a movement which has

spawned the new generation of stand-ups who play huge stadium tours around the country for millions of pounds. Still, Arthur didn't walk away with nothing. He got type 2 diabetes. Arthur, your subject is Barbie, described by my encyclopedia as a 29 centimeter fashion doll with the figure of an adult woman and numerous sets of clothes and accessories off you go arthur fingers on buzz of the rest of you fruit flies with the ken and barbie gene have no external genitalia tony well i think fruit flies don't have any external genitalia no that's not true but what arthur said was true so you get the point you're developing the habit i remember this from some weeks ago

of correcting things fruit flies in general do have external genitalia but not ones with the ken and barbie gene as it's known other mutations of fruit flies include the cheap date gene which are fruit flies that get drunk easily and the gene is known as the kenny gene named after kenny from south park which are fruit flies that die after a couple of days. According to American research, if a real woman were to have Barbie's proportions, she would have to walk on all fours. Lucy? Barbie couldn't walk if she was real,

but I don't know if that means she'd have to crawl. That is true. If she was real, she'd have to walk on all fours. I know, it's shocking, isn't it, really? Except, I mean, she's not real, so it's fine. Is she not? You might as well go, you know, it's shocking, isn't it, really? Except, I mean, she's not real, so it's fine. Is she not? You might as well go, you know, if that speaker was alive, it wouldn't be able to see.

Yeah, but it's not impersonating... Yeah. It's not impersonating a human being, is it? No, I know, I know. Little girls don't aspire to look like speakers. When I was a little boy, I aspired to look like a robot. And you've succeeded. Thank you.

Thank you. But, yes,bie is hugely out of proportion her legs are 50 longer than her arms whereas a normal woman's are only 20 longer this combined with her small feet and large bust would cause her to continually fall forward additionally she would need someone to support her head whilst crawling because her neck is twice as long as the average woman's. Barbie's waistline is so small that her body would have room for only half a liver and a few centimetres of intestine, resulting in her suffering from chronic diarrhoea. Graham.

As a medical man... LAUGHTER Yes, a waist must be tiny and would be anatomically impossible. Yes, you're absolutely right. Yes, as well as having to crawl around, she'd be suffering from chronic diarrhoea, but the diarrhoea would be the least of Barbie's problems, as she would also suffer death from malabsorption and malnutrition.

Barbie's other health problems would include her low BMI of only 10, meaning she'd fit the weight criteria of an anorexic, and would lack the 17% body fat required for a woman to menstruate or have children. And she's also, I have to say, a hell

of a lot shorter than you'd want an adult woman to be about a foot long well i don't know it's not that's a tremendously damaging image to present to little girl i'm supposed to be like a foot tall yeah and i've no you know even lucy hasn't managed that plans are in the pipeline for Barbie the musical, after the success of the Spanish musical The Barbie of Seville. Lucy? There could be plans for a Barbie musical. Yes?

Where a woman crawls around the stage... ..deprecating wildly. I would so pay to see that musical. It would present a lot of challenges to a choreographer. Unfortunately, it only exists in your mind, Lucy. That's our bad idea, though. To be honest, Barbie the musical, you could see that selling, couldn't you?

Imagine how awful it would be queuing for Barbie the musical with your child. It would be like a horror play, to be honest. Look, guys, we should look guys we should definitely do yeah barbie the musical come on yeah stop this i'm off yeah right okay um further controversy surrounded the launch of barbie's wheelchair bound friend share a smile becky after after a disabled teenager pointed out that the doll's pink wheelchair didn't fit into the

lift in Barbie's house. Lucy? I think share a smile Becky existed. Yes, share a smile Becky existed. And the fact about the wheelchair of share a smile Becky not

fitting into the lift in Barbie's house is also true. Mattel responded to criticisms that the wheelchair couldn't fit into the lift of the $100 house by announcing the launch of the new Barbie folding pretty house with a wider front door and no stairs. Other controversial Barbies include the 1965 Slumber Party Barbie, which came with a miniature book entitled How to Lose Weight, with the sole advice, don't eat.

And Teen Talk Barbie, who spoke a number of phrases, including, will we ever have enough clothes? And math class is tough. In 1991, Barbie took on a new PR company who promptly announced that Ken and Barbie had split up after 39 years together. It was asserted an unbearable strain on their relationship had been Ken's cross-dressing habit.

Tony? I think I remember reading something about them officially going for Ken and Barbie splitting up. Yes, well, this is where Arthur has been so terribly devious and unfair, because it did not happen in 1991, it happened in 2004. This happened to me a few weeks back. You're probably just bouncing back from that. I haven't been out since.

Shabby, I know, I'm sorry. But yes, Ken and Barbie were together for 43 years before Mattel Toys announced that they'd broken up on Valentine's Day 2004. Barbie left Ken for an Australian surfer doll called Blaze. But Mattel reassured fans that the pair would remain good friends. Are they still split up, then? Or have they ever got back together? I think currently Barbie is with Blaine,

because he's a lot more understanding about the diarrhoea. Later, in what appears to be a thaw in relations with Ken, Engelbert Humperdinck was asked to record a tribute single to Ken and Barbie to mark what would have been their golden wedding anniversary. By the way, I don't like Engelbert Humperdinck. I think there's a glimmer of truth in there. Well, it is true. I've sort of ad-libbed it in as far as it wasn't really

a barbie fact yes i do indeed dislike engelbert humperdinck right well i don't know what to do with that point i think actually arthur it would be a more moving demonstration of your dislike of humperdinck were graham to get a point i think so I'm happy to give him one. Do you know, Engelbert on Desert Island Discs picked three of his own songs. Well, somebody's got to. I was meant to interview him on Loose Ends on Radio 4 and he thought

he was being interviewed by Mariella Frostrup. Took one look at me and walked off. Please release me indeed. Among the careers Barbie has had over the years, a French maid, UN ambassador, lap dancer, IT consultant, Vietnam vet, astronaut and hod carrier. Totally. Well, look.

You really, you walk into these things, you really do. I mean, a few weeks ago I didn't do very well in this sort of area. However, I've had a bit of a lie down and I've come back and I know that I'm right with IT consultant. You're wrong. Graham. I think she's been an ambassador, hasn't she? No, she hasn't been a UN ambassador. Yeah, come on, Lucy.

OK, astronaut. You're right, Lucy. APPLAUSE I should add to Graham's point that she's never been a UN ambassador, although in 1990 she did work as a summit diplomat for UNICEF. Astronaut Barbie appeared in 1965, 1985 and 1994. Barbie's also worked as a paleontologist, plastic surgeon, McDonald's cashier,

bus driver, paratrooper, presidential candidate and Canadian Mountie. She just can't hold down a job, can she? I mean, the chances of her doing it... She can't hold down a meal. Surely, surely would have done a bit of IT consultancy in there. To mark Barbie's 60th birthday, OAP Barbie was introduced. his 60th birthday, OAP Barbie was introduced.

In 1983, a neo-Nazi cell in Salzburg created a Klaus Barbie Barbie. Thank you, Arthur. And I'm afraid to say, at the end of that round, Arthur, you have smuggled no truths past the rest of the panel,

which means you've scored no points in 1996 the actor bruce willis admitted that he shoots at barbie dolls for target practice what he didn't reveal was he also copies their facial expressions for his acting saudi arabia banned the sale of barbie in, even though the version with a revealing swimsuit outfit came with an easily detachable head. OK. We turn now to Tony Hawks. Tony recently wrote and starred in the film Round Island With A Fridge,

and although ignored by the Oscars, he did win a prestigious Tony Award, an award of his own devising, presented to Tony by himself. Your subject, Tony, is restaurants, commercial establishments where meals or refreshments are prepared and served to customers on the premises. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Tony. In Missouri, it's illegal for women to wear trousers in restaurants. it's illegal for women to wear trousers in restaurants. The first takeaway restaurant was in New York. It was taken away from Manhattan and placed in Connecticut, where it's illegal to eat food.

The Guozhang restaurant in Beijing... The Guozhang... Is he drunk? The Guozhang restaurant in Beijing is China's first speciality penis restaurant. The burgers cost double when they're aroused. Lucy. I think there is a speciality penis restaurant. You're right, there is.

Virtually every item on the menu is part of an animal's sex organ. The dishes include a $5,700 tiger's penis, and they're supposed to increase male potency. The restaurant serves testicles too, but these are not recommended for women, as according to the restaurant, the hormones could give them a deeper voice and a beard. They say that penises, on the other hand,

are quite harmless to women, and are even good for the skin. The line I'll be using and in minneapolis they have a restaurant themed around the x factor where the food is tasteless and makes you sick restaurant is the second most misspelled word in the internet search engines after the word Hawks. Misspelt because idiots fail to realise that Tony Hawk the skateboarder isn't the English comedian and male model

and that the S in his name follows an apostrophe so that Tony Hawk's pro skater doesn't mean that his name is actually Tony Hawk's. So wouldn't it be a good... I just wanted to stop him, really. He's actually Tony Hawks. So wouldn't it be a good... I just wanted to stop him, really. But also, I think that restaurant may be the second least well-spelled word on the internet, or whatever it was.

No, it's actually the most misspelled word on the internet. Oh, well, I've been hoisting my own petard there, fair enough. In Japan, in some restaurants, they're allowing customers to eat sushi from the body of naked ladies. Business hasn't been good, though, as inexplicably they selected 65-year-old dinner ladies for the job. Lucy. I'm not going to say how, but I've seen this practiced. Not the dinner ladies.

You're right. It's true. It's called nyote mori or female body presentation apparently it allows the diner to focus on the texture and taste of the sushi honestly yeah it's so distracting eating off anything other than a nude woman isn't it in a tokyo seafood restaurant parties of ten or more can order whole roast dolphin. You choose the dolphin of your choice from a tank, which, at a given command, is trained to leap through a hoop and straight into a giant deep-fat fryer.

The food is expensive, but not as expensive as the Canadian seal's penis at the Guozong restaurant in China, which costs $440. I think Tony's got something in his head about eating penises. And once again, it's come up trumps. You're absolutely right. There you are.

When dining out in a Romanian restaurant, don't be surprised to see crap on the menu. It's the Romanian word for carp. But also, when dining out in a Romanian restaurant, don't be surprised to see crap on the menu. It's the Romanian word for carp. But also, when dining out in a Romanian restaurant, don't be surprised to see crap on the menu. Brad Pitt once worked as a chicken for the El Polo Loco restaurant chain. Arthur.

I think he may have worked as a chicken. I mean, I genuinely did once myself work as a chicken, dressing up as a chicken to advertise chicken burgers in a supermarket. Your career's been quite like Brad Pitt's. Yeah. In many ways. So it's plausibly done. Well, you're absolutely right.

There you are. Michelin stars were originally awarded to restaurants according to how well they cornered in the wet. Thank you, Tony. And at the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that crap is the Romanian word for carp. And that means, Tony, you've scored one point.

According to Google, restaurant is the most misspelled word in Internet search engines. It's often spelt P-O-R-N. Next up is Lucy Porter. Lucy, your subject is feet, the lower extremities of the legs below the ankle on which a person stands or walks. Off you go, Lucy.

Three-quarters of people wear the wrong size shoes for their feet. The other 25% have feet the wrong size for their shoes. Tony. I'm going for the wrong size. I don't think we get our feet properly measured, and we probably are. 75% of us probably could do a lot better in that department. You're absolutely right.

They ought to sell shoes individually, though, because you might have one foot that's a bit bigger than the other one, so you should be able to buy shoes one at a time, especially if you're a one-legged man. I used to work in a shoe shop and that was always a problem that people would switch for different size shoes and you'd have to check at the counter and it's a really humiliating crime to be accused of what they were actually had a foot that was one size bigger it was a whole size but yeah i think we should we after now we've got the Barbie musical underway, our next project should be a shop that sells shoes individually. What is the policy of a shoe shop?

Will they be willing to swap? No, of course not. It would be chaos, imagine. They'd want people to buy two pairs of shoes. Two pairs of shoes, yeah. We used to coin it in from people with weird feet. Right. I mean, you could use the internet now, couldn't you?

By saying, you know, size 9 right foot looking for size 10 left foot. Noted foot fetishists include Michael Foot, David Soule and Anklebert Humperdinck. Don't mention him! In 2008, a Japanese brothel opened catering specifically for female foot fetishists. It now employs 50 shapely-footed gigolos, or pedalos, as they prefer to be known. Oh, well, that's possibly true, because foot fetishism is a big deal.

Well, I'm afraid, Arthur, that's not true about the Japanese brothel, and I'm slightly surprised. I used to be... I had a sort of foot fetish stalker because I used to perform barefoot and uh there was a guy who wrote to me and said uh could you send me a picture of your bare feet and i said well why don't you just come to one of my shows and take one and he said well i don't really like your comedy just your feet. Actor Bernard Breslau had size 15 feet,

whilst his Carry On co-star Barbara Windsor has size 1 feet. Her little trotters look so stunted and odd that in the Carry On films she had to use a foot double. Nepalese women demonstrate their love for their husbands by washing the feet of their menfolk and then drinking the dirty water. Nepalese widows who miss the taste can often be found ordering the soup in the BBC canteen. Tony. I do think that the Nepalese women,

that's how they do demonstrate their love. Yes, you're right, that is how they do. It forms part of the wedding ritual and they keep doing it through married life. In Nepal, it is considered disrespectful for a woman to even speak the name of her husband to another person. That must make anecdote-telling very difficult.

It's not one of the great anecdotal cultures, is it, as a result? King Louis XVIII's feet started to rot in his old age. A valet found a toe that dropped off in one of the king's socks. Bet they were nervous when it came to cleaning his underpants. Tony? I think his feet did rot in his old age, old Louis XVIII. a toe that dropped off in one of the king's socks. Bet they were nervous when it came to cleaning his underpants. Tony. I think his feet did rot in his old age, old Louis XVIII.

They did. Yep. He started to rot from the feet up. The turkey vulture squirts excrement onto its feet to stay cool. Obviously, that's cool in the reducing body temperature way rather than, OMG, you've pooed on your foot, that is the world cool, I would totally do you kind of way. Thank you, Lucy. temperature way rather than OMG you've pooed on your foot that is well cool I would totally do you kind of way thank you Lucy and at the end of that round Lucy you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel which are that Barbara Windsor has size one feet and there's one

that isn't a foot that's a stump if you are willing to say that to that national treasure, then you're no better than Engelbert Humperdinck. Oh, dear. She's won separate awards for her feet, bottom and boobs. What size? I would say proportionally, her bottom and boobs are bigger than her feet. You know what they say? No. Her bottom and boobs are bigger than her feet.

You know what they say. No. No, not all I know. And the second truth is that the turkey vulture squirts excrement onto its feet to stay cool. The practice is called urohydrosis and the uric acid also helps to kill bacteria picked up from the carcasses the vulture has been feeding on. I would love to have an animal like that as a pet.

And that means, Lisa, you've scored two points. In Pakistan, it's considered the height of bad manners to show the soles of your feet or point a foot when you're sitting on the floor, or to kill the world's most wanted terrorist without the government's permission. Now it's the turn of Graham Garden. Graham was born in Aberdeen, the third largest city in Scotland. In the 14th century, a series of bloody battles were fought between the English and the Scots over Aberdeen

before eventually Scotland lost and was forced to keep it. Your subject, Graham, is garlic, a strong-smelling, pungent-tasting bulb used as a flavouring in cooking and in herbal medicine. Off you go, Graham, is garlic, a strong-smelling, pungent-tasting bulb used as a flavouring in cooking and in herbal medicine. Off you go, Graham. The name garlic comes from the old Norse words garli, meaning what's that smell, and kk, meaning I think I'm going to throw up.

The only mention of garlic in the Bible comes in the so-called Moses shopping list in the book of Numbers, chapter 11, verse 5. It goes, remember the fish, the cucumbers and the melons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic. The UK has a very long way to go to match the garlic consumption of the French. People...

Surely that's true. Well, no. Well, we eat more garlic than the French. Graham will now continue with this, as I've now revealed, lie. People in the north of France eat six million more cloves of garlic a year than those living in the south of England. That was the lie. The truth is that we eat six million more cloves of garlic

than the southern English eat six million more cloves of garlic than the northern French. I've got no idea what's going on. I have contrived to express it in a confusing manner, for which I apologise. You've succeeded. But no, basically, it's not true. You'd think they ate more garlic than us.

It's the other way round. People in the north of England only eat garlic with deep-fried whippet and chips. Next time you're in Gary, Indiana, don't be tempted to snack on garlic-stuffed mushrooms before catching a tram to go and see a show. It's illegal to enter a tram or a public theatre within four hours of eating garlic.

Tony. I'm having that. You're absolutely right, Tiff. Yeah. Like many actors, Christopher Lee is garlic intolerant. Like many actors, Christopher Lee is garlic intolerant. LAUGHTER In Bite the Neck of Dracula, his co-stars Drew Barrymore and Linda Blair

wore garlands of spring onions because, coincidentally, they're both also allergic to garlic and crucifixes. Her Majesty the Queen can't cross running water, doesn't appear in mirrors and hates garlic. Tony. It's a list, so I've got to go for something here. I wasn't really listening.

Can't cross water? Yeah. I think that's clearly rubbish. Can't cross water was the second one. Is the Queen can't cross water, doesn't appear in mirrors and hates garlic. So actually, I think you might get this. I think she can't... I know. What am I saying? Think.

I know. We chat regularly. And she doesn't like garlic. No, she doesn't. You're right. Well done. This was highlighted on a state visit to Italy in the year 2000 when the Queen sent orders that nothing containing garlic was to be included on the menu? Not only that, but Prince Philip is locked in the cellar every full moon. Star Trek hero William Shatner's range of male cosmetics ran into trouble

when his garlic-based aftershave, Garlic Enterprise, led to the company being sued by Chanel, who were about to launch their French perfume, Gaelic Enterprise. Garlic is worse than Brussels sprouts or baked beans for causing wind. In fact, the reason Chicago is known as the Windy City is because it is named after Chicagoa,

the Algonquin word for garlic. Tony. I'm actually going for it being worse at causing wind than Brussels sprouts and baked beans. No, it isn't. But I would like to go for that's the word for garlic there, that last

one. Chicagoa? Yeah, I bet it is. That's why... Is the audience tittering, implying that I helped him too much there? I think they're patronising me, to be honest. Right. You are right. Yeah!

Yes, Chicago is named after the city's river, which is derived from a Native American word for wild garlic. And the Lancashire town of Ramsbottom also means wild garlic valley, coming from the Old English word hramsa, meaning wild garlic, and bopm, meaning wild garlic, and popem, meaning the land at the bottom of the valley suitable for agriculture. As Oscar Wilde said, a shilling will get you a train ticket,

garlic will get you a seat. Thank you, Graham. And, Graham, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first one is your quote from the Book of Numbers. Remember the fish, the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic? That is true. That's genuinely in the Bible,

although garlic is spelt with a K. The verse goes, we remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely, the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the fish which we did eat in egypt freely the cucumbers and the melons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic and the second truth is that drew barrymore is allergic to garlic and that means you've scored two points the queen hates garlic no sorry not garlic fergie which brings us to the final scores in fourth place with minus six points we have arthur smith in third place with three points it's tony hawks in second place with four points it's graham garden

and in first place with an unassailable five points, it's once again this week's winner, Lucy Porter. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John A. Smith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawkes, Arthur Smith, Lucy Porter and Graham Garden. and graham garden and featured david mitchell in the chair with panelists tony hawks arthur smith lucy porter and graham garden the chairman's script was written by dan gaster and colin swash and the producer was john naysmith it was a random production for bbc radio 4