The Unbelievable Truth - 09x05 Bats, Cars, Dr. Johnson, Oranges

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

09x05 30 April 2012 Danielle Ward, Henning Wehn, John Finnemore, Tom Wrigglesworth Bats, Cars, Dr. Johnson, Oranges

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. And to the listener who wrote in after the last series saying, I don't pay my licence fee for this, don't worry, your licence fee was spent on a bit of office carpet in the complaints department and a shredder. Tonight's panellists are each charged with the task of spotting the Japanese soldier of truth hiding patiently in the overgrown jungle of lies. Please welcome John Finnemore, Danielle Ward, Henning Vane and Tom Rigglesworth.

The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

We'll begin with Danielle Ward. Danielle, your subject is bats, nocturnal flying mammals characterised by their membranous wings and mouse-like features. Off you go, Danielle. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Contrary to received wisdom,

bats aren't blind. Their eyes are tiny but work perfectly well, like Eric Pickle struck to a really, really big kite. John. Is it possible that bats can see perfectly well out of tiny eyes? That is possible, and that is true. Well done. Yes, they have

perfectly decent vision, particularly in dim light. It gets worse when the light gets too bright. The three most unusual species of bat are the woolly bat of West Africa, which lives in a spider's web, the chocolate wattle bat of the Ivory Coast, whose droppings are an edible delicacy,

and the whiskered bat of Central Europe, who will only nest in buildings where there is an au pair present. Tom. There has to be one of those bats. There's true. The au pair one's clearly nonsense. The droppings that are edible. Where was that? West Africa?

Ivory Coast. Ivory Coast. I mean, it's difficult to put Where was that, West Africa? Ivory Coast. Ivory Coast. I mean, it's difficult to put anything past them, is it? What was the other one? I don't know if this is allowed. By process of elimination, we'll say it's the one I can't remember. That's probably quite a good system, actually. A lot of things that are true

aren't very memorable. I'm saying she mentioned three bats. Not the other one. I thought one was living in a spider net. A spider web, rather. Really? You think that's true? How did I end up in this? I just wanted to point out. It's all been pieced together for you now, Tom.

There's the spider's web bat, the droppings bat, the au pair bat. Which would you like to say is true? Ah, you see, now the droppings is really... Could be any or all. No, go with the... Go with the... Go with the webby thing. You've wagered a point now, Tom.

You might as well go for one of them. I'm going to go for the spider one. Well, you're right. The woolly bat of West Africa lives in spider's webs. Another unusual bat is the greater bulldog bat of Central and South America, which is an expert fisherman raking its large

taloned feet through the water and impaling prey on hooked claws. That's another thing to worry about while swimming. The smallest bat in the world is the pinhead bat of Central America, which is so tiny and beautiful it can only be seen by children, cats and people with head injuries.

Kenny. Well, I don't believe the clauses you put there on the end, but I do easily believe that the pinhead bat is the smallest bat in the world. Well, I think it would be, if it existed. But, no, the smallest bat is the bumblebee or kitty's hog-nosed bat, which weighs less than a penny,

but would be a massive pinhead. The amusingly named cricket bat lives exclusively on a diet of crickets and grasshoppers and stumps. In Eastern Europe in the 1800s, drinking the blood of a bat whilst pregnant was said to make your unborn child powerful and wise, unlike its parent. Terribly sorry. Tom and I were just

just... That story with drinking the blood of bats, that might have been given some... Unfortunately, it's not true at all. Oh, well, it's not. Tom and I got that wrong. Therefore, I get a point.

In Austria, it was once believed that tying the heart of a bat to your arm with red string would ensure you always won at cards. In 1943, the US Army developed a new incendiary bomb involving bats with napalm strapped to their wings the bat bomb project was only abandoned in 1944 when the u.s opted for the atom bomb instead john bats do go they sort of return to barns and things at night so it's not

maybe completely stupid to strap something to a bat and wait for it to go into a missile silo and then blow it up. You're absolutely right. The US military had planned to release the bats over Japanese cities, imagining that when the bats went to roost in the wood and paper buildings, they'd go up in flames. Aside from the atomic bomb, another reason for abandoning the project was that on their first airborne test, the bats burned a US Army base to the ground.

To be honest, I would have thought that was a sign that it worked. DC Comics' least popular creation is, of course, Batman. In one edition of the Batman comics, Batman and Robin travel through time to save Marco Polo. in another batman miniaturizes himself and marie curie in order to do battle with robin's tumor john the marie curie one maybe no no miniaturized himself and marie curie to do battle with robin's tumor i'd'd read it. No, I mean, it's yeah. But no. At school, Chancellor George Osborne's nickname was Bat because of his habit of sleeping upside down

hanging from a beam in the door and sucking the blood of passing pensioners. Thank you, Danielle. And at the end of that round, Danielle. And at the end of that round, Danielle, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Austria it was once believed that tying the heart of a bat to your arm with red string would ensure you always won at cards.

And the second truth is that in one edition of the batman comics batman and robin traveled through time to save marco polo and that means danielle you've scored two points bats are the only mammals capable of true flight although you'd be surprised how far a rabbit will travel if you throw it out of a high enough window okay next is henning Weyn. Henning says he's always baffled by those of us who say the Germans have no sense of humour, pointing as evidence to his countryman's fanatical enthusiasm for Mr Bean, which is, of course, our evidence too.

Your subject, Henning, is the car, a typically four-wheeled, self-propelled road vehicle designed to carry a small number of passengers. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Henning. Cars are something else. And like everything else, they're also something I know all about. I can't even wait to get started telling you all about them cars, seeing

how much knowledge I have. Anyway, buckle up and hold on to your heads. I'm winding back the sunroof. Let's get this lecture on the road. Cars! Okay, okay, calm down. Indicate. Six-point check into first. Cars!

Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. That's the car noise in Germany. Children call cars ja-jas. John? Is the noise that people make to go vroom- car noise in Germany. Children call cars ya-ya's. John? Is the noise that people make to go vroom-vroom in Germany ya-ya-ya-ya-ya? Nine, nine, nine, nine.

Nine, nine, nine, nine. Cars were developed from motorbikes, which are going back to even before Jesus. which are going back to even before Jesus. The book of Exodus proclaims that the roar of Moses' triumph was heard in the hills. Cars, however, were invented by Carl Benz, named after his wife, Mercedes. John? They were invented by Carl Benz. They were invented by Carl Benz, named after his wife, Mercedes. John? They were invented by Carl Benz. They were invented by Carl Benz. Well done.

Yes, although several other German engineers were working at the problem at about the same time, it is Benz's three-wheeled vehicle that is credited as the first successful petrol-engined car. Yeah, and he made the first one in 1785 as an antidote to the horse, which had been causing a right old kerfuffle with accidents and boltings and bitings and stampedes. And the car was first called the non-bolting, non-biting, non-stampeding, non-shitting everywhere.

Get that Gigi out me eyesight carriage. To this day, the German word for car is, nicht stechen und nicht panik, nicht gekackt überall zu bekommen. Dass aus mir Gigi Augenlicht schlitten. In the early days, when

cars didn't have windscreen wipers, drivers used to rub potatoes over the glass. Illegal immigrants used to stand at traffic lights, smearing people's windscreens with chips and potato gratin. John? Is it true that if you rub potato on a car windscreen, the water runs off it more easily? It is true, yes. Well done.

It's due to the wax in the potatoes a carrot onion or chewing tobacco could also be used for every journey over half an hour the aa advises you to keep yourself awake with one of them hanging lemony scented smelly christmas tree thingies that stink the car out like no one's business you will concentrate a lot more when driving with them because you just want to get home and out the car. Britain is the envy of Europe in traffic management infrastructure. Like speed humps, slow lanes, traffic safety islands and cones. And to drive right over all this nonsense without wrecking your motor,

you need a good German vehicle. Like a panzer. Thieves are most likely to steal white cars, especially female thieves. Male thieves prefer to steal good cars and are not concerned about the colour. But they should be because red cars are most at risk of breaking down, particularly Michael Schumacher's Ferrari. Tom. Yes, that's true. There's just simply more red cars on the road,

so there will be more red cars breaking down. That's not true. No, no. Actually, Tom, the most popular colour of car, according to the Daily Mail, is black. But they say it's swiftly being overtaken by white. I shudder to think how the Daily Mail reported that. In Germany and all other civilised countries, we drive

on the far, far right side of the road. Also known as the correct side of the road and most countries make a decision and stick to it unlike sweden which saw the error of its ways and in 1967 made the switch from left to right causing 150 000 road traffic accidents on the first day tom within that there was a truth that sweden changed sides from left to right there was indeed in 1967 sweden stopped driving on the left and started driving on the right it was known as the hoger traffic on lagningen i think my pronunciation is perfect. Meaning the right-hand traffic diversion.

I remember reading an announcement that a small island country was going to change from the left to the right and that the change would be made gradually. And that's the end of Henning's lecture. And, Henning, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else. The first is that those little scented Christmas tree things that smell disgusting do help you concentrate more when driving. This was a discovery of experimental psychologist

Professor Charles Spence, who also found that peppermint scent aids concentration and believes that vibrating seats, belts or pedals could help drivers stay alert. And the second truth that Henning smuggled is that white cars are more likely to get stolen than other coloured cars. This is thought to be because the white paint is non-metallic and easier to disguise through re-spraying. And that means, Henning, you've scored two points. And that means, Henning, you've scored two points. In 1933, America opened the first drive-in cinema where customers could view a film from the comfort of their parked cars.

Not to be outdone, the same year in Britain, we opened our first dogging site. Next up is John Finnemore. John has appeared in Miranda Hart's sitcom Miranda as Chris. Chris is the husband of Alison, who is a friend of Gary's, who's the chef that Miranda really fancies. It's a pivotal role. John, your subject is Dr Johnson,

the English poet, biographer, essayist, critic and lexicographer best known for his Dictionary of the English Language. Off you go, John. Dr Sabio Johnson was born on the day Queen Elizabeth I died. His parents were ambitious for him, which is why they gave him the first name Doctor. Samuel was, in fact, one of his middle names, along with Lawyer and Astronaut, whatever that is.

Johnson came from an illustrious family. His uncle was Boris Johnson, his grandfather was Magic Johnson, and his parents were Johnson and Johnson, the baby oil tycoons. As an only child, his parents smothered him with both affection and baby oil, making him rather spoiled and extremely slippery. It did, however, result in him having astoundingly smooth skin, and in an age where moisturising regimes were primitive at best, this made him an infant celebrity.

His classmates took turns carrying him to school to preserve the softness of his feet. Visitors came from miles around to marvel at his buttocks. And his mother took him to London so the Queen could have a feel of him. Tom, I can imagine the Queen requesting to cop a feel. That is an illegal comment. I would like

to disassociate the BBC from such a remark. Her Majesty is not a gropey woman. Nevertheless, you are correct johnson's mother took him to london just so the queen queen anne could have a feel of him and that's because as a baby johnson suffered from scrofula at the time known as the king's evil because it was thought royalty could cure it so in 1712 he received the

royal touch from queen anne however this was ineffective so he subsequently underwent an operation which left him with scars across his face and body when johnson was 19 however scandal hit the family company when it was revealed that their famous baby oil was still made using actual babies desperate for money he quickly wrote a dictionary of the English language in under four months. Henning. Well, even though it's a massive undertaking, maybe he managed to write a dictionary

in four months? He didn't. No, it would be over-ambitious, wouldn't it? Yeah. It took him nine years. Yeah, that sounds more believable, really. Yeah. But I dare say he made a good start.

He misspelt caterpillar, ending it A-R instead of E-R, as of course it should be. Defined urinator as one who raises cattle for beef and hat as anything which is not a hat. Henny. I think he might have spelled caterpillar any which way he felt like, and then it became official. Henning, you're absolutely right. Until Dr. Johnson's dictionary, caterpillar was spelt with an ER. Johnson misspelt it with an AR, and we've spelt it like that ever since. He

redefined what was correct, so influential was his was his cock up he was also criticized for adding an extra letter to the alphabet to pad things out a bit the letter squire which he placed between f and g and used to begin such words as squanshine squassage and squash you squam his other superstitions included only ever entering a room right foot first reversing his wig if the devil was mentioned tom i think that he entered each room with his right foot you're absolutely right he did well done yes he would he would also lead with the same foot when leaving believing that to use his left foot would bring down evil on the inmates johnson would also touch every wooden post he passed and avoided stepping on the craps stepping on the crap. Johnson would also touch every wooden post he passed and avoided stepping

on the cracks between paving stones. He was basically, I think, a bit OCD. And also, he kept a collection of pieces of dried orange peel in his room for reasons he swore no man should ever know. In later life, he became famous for his pithy epigrams. These included, sir, when a man is tired of looting, fair enough. And the classic, dammit, I am sorely tormented with bilious wind this day. Oh, that's got it. No, wait, here's another. Boswell, for God's sake, you're not writing this down, are you? And that's the it no wait here's another boswell for god's sake you're not writing this down are you and that's the end of your lecture john and uh john you've managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else which are that johnson's

classmate edward hector reported that they used to carry him to school because he was a sickly child. And the second truth is that Johnson kept a collection of pieces of dried orange peel. In his Life of Johnson, Boswell reports an exchange between the two men where Johnson describes drying the peel, but upon further questioning tells Boswell, nay, sir, you shall know their fate no further. And that means you've scored two points.

further. And that means you've scored two points. Dr. Johnson once drank 36 glasses of port without moving from his seat. He then wrote his famous dictionary definition of the word arsehole. Now it's the turn of Tom Rigglesworth. Your subject, Tom, is the orange, a round edible citrus fruit cultivated in warm regions. Off you go, Tom. Contrary to what Jeanette Winterson's novel will tell you, oranges are the only fruit. As well as corrupting literature, fruit plays a vital role in every film ever made. The market stall assassination attempt in The Godfather was because when Don Corleone picked up an orange

to give it a pre-purchase squeeze, he didn't show it enough respect. Danielle. There's definitely some sort of orange godfather motif oh i only make that noise because i farted no i was uh that's interesting there is you've sort of what you've been brilliantly prescient there um i'm in a quandary too late in the day to cope yes basically there is uh an orange symbolism in the godfather which tom was going to go on to describe so i think you should i'll buzz in again shall i totally I wasn't again, shall I? Totally. That would solve it. Yes.

Yeah. You'll know when. I'll know when. Tom, this citrus death symbolism continued. As an ointment shown in any of the Godfather movies means a character is about to die or have a close call. Danielle. That is true. You're absolutely right.

Don Corleone, for example, buys oranges right before he's shot. At the Mafioso Summit, bowls of oranges are placed in front of those Dons who'll be assassinated. Before Don Corleone dies, he puts an orange peel in his mouth to playfully scare his grandson. Tessio, who's executed for attempting to betray Michael, plays with an orange at Connie's wedding. And Dr. Johnson cuts a collection of them in his room. Beavers find iron brew completely irresistible, and the rusty iron content is the reason they have bright orange teeth. This, in turn, is utterly and without question

connected to the fact that feeding a red pepper to a yellow canary will cause it to turn bright orange. Once harvested, oranges continue to ripen and will, given enough time, peel themselves. Henny. Well, I don't think they'll necessarily peel themselves, but they carry on ripening. They don't carry on ripening, no. Oh, ripening. Sorry. What did you say? I said ripening. Riping. Maybe they carry on riping.

I didn't even know they ever riped. But no, they certainly stop ripening. So they're eternal oranges. No, they don't cease decomposition. Or do you see ripening and decomposition as just part of the same thing a nice ripe apple is just one that's that's rotted just enough that's certainly true of cheese isn't it cheese is delicious at a certain point of decay but not when it's just some fluff so maybe you're right but but I'm of the opinion,

informed by a sheet of paper, that oranges cease to ripen when they're picked, but will still rot. Orthodox Jews cannot have oranges and orange juice on the same table together. In California, it is illegal to peel an orange in your hotel room, and just mentioning the word orange to a Buddhist is enough to make him go bananas.

Danielle? Jewish people not allowed to have oranges and orange juice on a table. They are. They totally are. Well, I don't know. If you think about it, it's the same thing, orange and orange juice. It's just the way it's presented or chopped up should you find yourself confronted by an angry buddhist and these things do happen quickly recite a calming poem satirizing

the rage inducing fruit this of course cannot be a proper poem as nothing rhymes with the word orange henny nothing rhymes with the word orange well that's not true because the name gorringe rhymes with the word orange and the blorringe a hill overlooking abigavenny in wales rhymes with the word yeah i should have known that should not yeah but not much rhymes with them that's true but that's not quite what tom said no he played his hand very cleverly he did did. A Dutch doctor, William Kolff, made the first artificial kidney from orange juice containers, as well as a few old sausage skins and a broken washing machine. In some Indian hillside communities,

yoga teachers believe that sleeping on six oranges placed at strategic pressure points can slow down the effects of ageing. Henny. Yeah, that I easily believe. That sleeping on oranges is good for you. Yeah. If they're strategically well played.

No, I had once, I'll tell you that quickly, I once had had me back done in, so, and then I put, like, three tennis balls into a sock and then I lay on that and that really

helped matters. Well, that's interesting. I have to tell you that this particular nonsense is not believed by anyone. But I know where you're coming from. People use any sentence using the word yoga. It could have anything else in it. It's totally plausible. And that's the end of Tom's lecture.

Thank you, Tom. And at the end of that round, Tom, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. What a liar! Absolutely. Beavers have bright orange teeth which never stop growing. The enamel on them contains iron for extra

strength that's the first truth second truth is that in the 1870s many english canary breeders would feed their yellow norwich canaries red peppers to turn them orange uh the third truth is that in california anything's like with yoga in the sentence. In California, up is down. In California, it's illegal to peel an orange in your hotel room. And the fourth truth is that during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands in World War II, Dutch doctor Willem Kolf made the first artificial organ, an artificial kidney, from orange juice cans, old sausage skins and a broken washing machine. And that means, Tom, you've scored four points.

The Golden Gate Bridge is painted in a colour called Architectural Orange, just one of several shades of orange on the Dulux wall chart, ranging from architectural to Dale Winton. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with no points, it's Danielle Ward.

In second place, with four points, it's John Finnemore. And in first place, with an unass with four points, it's John Finnemore. And in first place with an unassailable six points, it's this week's winner, Tom Rigglesworth. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Finnnamore, Daniel Ward,

Tom Rigglesworth and Henning Bain. The chairman's script was written by Dan Daster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.