The Unbelievable Truth - 09x06 Goats, Singing, Glue, Painting

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

09x06 7 May 2012 Miles Jupp, Susan Calman, Marcus Brigstocke, Alan Davies Goats, Singing, Glue, Painting

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Tonight I'm joined by four comedians who've got more pork pies up their sleeves than Eamon Holmes sneaking out of Gregg's. Please welcome Marcus Brigstock, Susan Calman, Miles Jupp and Alan Davis. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths

that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Miles Jupp. Miles, your subject is goats, described by my encyclopedia as ruminant mammals, typically found in mountainous areas and characterized by their agility, backward-curving horns and beards. Off you go, Miles. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Ah, goats. The very word conjures up thoughts of majesty and of fair play. At the current Queen's 21st birthday party at Windsor Castle in 1949, Her Majesty was entertained by a dancing goat.

When she'd been asked what she'd like to do for the party, her note stating, I'd like to have a go at dancing, had been unfortunately misread. Everyone thinks they know all about goats, but do they? The hugely popular British Goat Society, with its motto, Get Into Goats, was formed in 1879. Susan? Yeah, I think there's a society for goats with the phrase, Get Into Goats.

That sounds like kind of a badge you would have. Well, there is a society for goats that was formed in 1879 that doesn't have the motto that's that's what i said no this yeah i think i should emphasize that the british goat society for reasons best known to themselves have not gone with the motto or slogan get into goats i don't know why i think i do think it's great yeah it's good for fans of goat farming fans of goat's cheese and also for people who want to have sex with goats So it really covers all bases

Goats are incredibly brave creatures They do become nervous however when they hear fast running water or popping toast The ancient Romans used goats as a Alan Fast running water? No.

No? They ought to, because, I mean, that's perilous if they fell in. I suppose so. I mean, I suppose there's an extent to which all organisms would, you know, if you sort of hear the sound of an approaching tidal wave... Very, very odd thing to make up, though, isn't it? I mean, let's be clear. I mean, it's not the most brilliant piece of comic invention

that's ever been on the show, but, you know... But that's sort of the game, though, isn't it? Sort of plausible. Unfortunately, the format does lend itself to uninteresting lies. Very, very good new title for the show, perhaps. Yeah, yeah. Land factors. Skies.

Dull fibs. Dull fibs, yeah. The ancient Romans used goats as a form of torture, dipping a person's feet in salt water and having a thirsty goat lick the solution off. Now I've heard of this being done with pigs. Never mind if it's true. Do you it's interesting i think i actually do i am interested in this one yes the ancient romans did used to use goats licking your feet as a form of torture it was called goat's tongue the torture would only start as tickling eventually when the flesh became worn away by the goats licking it would become extremely

painful oh you know where i think it was i think it was the spanish inquisition that's very much their style i went to a museum it is a town called santa yana in northern spain there's a museum there quite a small one it's a harrowing experience it makes the london dungeon seem like something mild what would that be? Mamma Mia. Mamma Mia. Well, I found Mamma Mia pretty harrowing. Was that? Yeah. When offered a ticket, I chose instead to have a goat lick my feet until they disappeared. Goats are highly skilled creatures.

A chamois goat can balance on a pointy rock no wider than a coin. Susan. Absolutely correct. Those chamois goats can balance on a coin. You're right, they can. Are they where chamois leather comes from? Yes. And chamois chakrabarti?

No. Not from the same. But she can balance on a coin i've seen her she's terrified of running water buttheads or goats with horns are capable of playing keepy-uppy although shy about doing it in front of humans despite having prominent ears goats cannot hear instead they feel vibrations in the earth using their hooves. This is why you can trick a goat into thinking you're two people by approaching it from the rear on all fours with an extra pair of shoes on your hands.

What would be the point of doing that? And then it turns around and goes, oh, got you! I'm sorry you feel that fact doesn't stand up to scrutiny, Alan. Goats are much easier to milk than cows. Since they only have two teats, it cuts the work in half.

Marcus. I think that goats are easier to milk than cows. They are. Yes, well done. Goats can be put on a milking stand, whereas you need to get down low on a stool to milk a cow. It's like changing the toner in a smaller sort of photocopier. It's very similar. For anyone listening not from the country.

And thank you, Miles. That's the end of your lecture. And at the end of that round, Miles, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that butthead is a term for a goat with horns and that means you've scored one point when rampant a male billy goat can sometimes treat a nanny rather roughly, but still with more consideration than Lord Lucan did. Let him sue. OK, we turn now to Susan Calman. Susan used to be a lawyer and says the legal profession is far worse than the comedy world when it comes to sexism, which is very sweet and brave of her to say.

Your subject, Susan... Your subject, Susan, is singing, the act of producing musical or harmonious sounds with the vocal chords often accompanied by music. Off you go, Susan. I remember the first time I met singing legend Leo Sayre. He was playing the Phantom in a one-man production of the Phantom

of the Opera on a cross-channel ferry to Bologna. He had the audience in the palm of his hand, which brought tears to the poor bloke's eyes. The second time we met, I was playing Jean Valjean in Les Miserables, in summer season in Torquay.

One thing we all agreed on was that I was far too good a singer to waste in a show about the menopause. I resolved to use my voice as a weapon of love. And where better to learn how to woo through music than from the animal kingdom in the mornings i listened to the birds singing as the dodo was no longer available it was left to the blackbird to start the dawn chorus followed in turn by the song thrush robin wren great tit and chaffinch miles is that the correct order of birds during the dawn chorus? It is the correct order. Well done, yes.

It's because the large, sensitive eyes of blackbirds and robins allow them to sense the arrival of the morning first. My son's a bit like that. Male gibbons who can dance and play the ukulele are shunned by the females, whereas a male gibbon who can sing as a prized mate. Gibbon couples will duet with each other except on Christmas Day when they're silent as a mark of respect for their close cousin, the turkey.

Marcus. Well. I think that gibbons do duet with each other. They do indeed. Yes. During the Cold War, spies used to meet in the monkey house at New York Zoo as the loud singing of the primates interfered with any listening devices. The naughty New York monkeys fondly remember the time they pinched a woman's bottom

and put the blame on opera singer Enrico Caruso, who was convicted of the offence and fined in 1906. Miles. The espionage one. No, not the espionage one. I trained hard. I practised holding my breath so I could hold a note as long as possible.

Famous swimmer Duncan Goodhue could hold his breath for seven minutes. Sharon Davis for a pitiful five. I wanted to be the best. I knew that Bonnie Tyler could hold one note for six and a half minutes which was slightly more than Dame Kiri Jeanette Takanawa at six minutes

fourteen seconds and slightly more than Italian opera singer Carlo Broschi at six minutes suddenly I got the call Andrew Lloyd Webber Alan Miles do you want to go for any of those? I think the one about holding a note or breath.

They were all about that. No one could hold a note for six minutes plus, surely. Sharon Davies can. Is that right? No. What's fascinating here is that Alan has buzzed and now pushed Miles in. Go on. Guess on seven or eight.

Like a sort of stage-proud mother pushing their child forward to take part in a competition. I'd bat Miles to get this one right. No, she can't. Well, I mean, not without dying. You'd get brain damage, wouldn't you? How long can Sharon Davies hold her breath for, David? I don't know, less than five minutes. I gave up waiting.

LAUGHTER of breath for david i don't know less than five minutes i gave up waiting suddenly i got the call and lloyd weber wanted me to play the title role in his new musical whatever happened to baby jane i said yes and my body became a singing machine kylie said the exercise helped her voice thus Thus, I exercised. Marie Antoinette made her female servants eat egg yolks so they could sing her to sleep. So I ate eggs. And Nero ate leeks to improve his singing voice. So I ate leeks. Sadly, doing all three together meant that after I absentmindedly ate a bowl of shortcrust pastry mix,

a large quiche formed in my stomach. I had to withdraw from the musical. I begged to be forgiven, but Andrew Lloyd Webber turned ugly. Yes. Marcus. Well, I mean, I think you might quibble over the word turned. Because even early pictures of Andrew Lloyd Webber

suggest that he has always been pretty ugly. But I would say, because he's got uglier as he's got older, that that is a fact. That's an interesting one, isn't it? Needless to say, this isn't one of the official facts that Susan's got. I don't think that's needless to say at all. Well, I'm saying that. I mean, the suggestion that people lose attractiveness and get uglier as they get older

certainly isn't consistently true. But in the case of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, as I think he now is, I mean, he is monstrous to look at. He's quite, quite monstrous. He's not turned from some spotty teenager into a kind of silver fox. Oh, no. No, he's very much trod the conventional trajectory

of uglifying age, but from a considerably lower starting point than that. Yes, yes. So, in which case, I'm willing to give you a point. Thank you. For the truth. And here I am now, the end. Thank you, Susan.

At the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that opera singer Enrico Caruso was convicted of pinching a woman's bottom in a monkey house in 1906 and fined $10, although suspicions remain that he may have been entrapped by the arresting officer, that the alleged victim disappeared and Caruso protested his innocence. The second truth is that legend has it that Carlo Broshi, one of the greatest castrato singers of all time, could hold a note for over six minutes.

There's certainly evidence that he could do it for a minute, which is extraordinary in itself. Hang on. Right, a couple of points. Right, legend has it... Yes. ..is usually a way of saying, this isn't true, but I'm going to say it.

And also, it's quite a big stretch for he could do it for over a minute to six minutes. Yeah. Basically, he definitely couldn't sing solidly for six minutes he could possibly cheat it so it sounded like he was doing so with some kind of circular breathing thing but you can't just exhale for six minutes making a noise or not and not totally empty like a balloon but it said of him and we have no evidence that the contrary he was one of the most famous ball-less people in history and the third truth

is that Nero the emperor Nero ate leeks to improve his singing voice anyway that means Susan you scored three points next up is Marcus Brigstock Marcus was once expelled from school after setting fire to the football goal posts so a bonus a bonus point to Marcus. Well done. Your subject, Marcus, is glue, a natural or synthetic sticky substance that's used as an adhesive. Off you go, Marcus. The world's largest predominantly glue-based structure is a 230-foot papier-mâché rendering of Australian film hero Crocodile Dundee. It was erected in 1988 in honour of Paul Hogan just outside Melbourne and to this day is visited by upwards of 11 people a year.

Paul Hogan has never seen it, nor any of the Crocodile Dundee films. The glue on the back of a postage stamp is not a glue at all, but in fact a naturally occurring residue found at the corners of John McCririck's mouth. the naturally occurring residue found at the corners of John McCrurick's mouth.

Jews need not fear sending or receiving a letter as the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Susan. That sounds like a fact. It is a fact. Well done. The United States Postal Service assures its customers that they will not get fat from licking stamps. That, in fact, happens when they eat a predominantly syrup

and meat patty-based diet. Miles? I think the American Postal Service does have to issue that... What do you call it? Not a warning? A qualifier? Yes, it is. Bang. You're right. Yeah. There's...

APPLAUSE In fact, there's only about one-tenth of a calorie in the adhesive on the back of an American postage stamp, whereas British stamps contain 5.9 calories per lick, as the glue is made from starch and polyvinyl alcohol. They're now self-adhesive, David, so you really mustn't keep doing that. They are now predominantly self-adhesive.

I think you can still get some of the ones you lick. Actor Kevin Spacey deliberately glued his fingers together in the film The Usual Suspects to give his left hand the feeling of paralysis. Sitting on it would also have worked. Susan. Sounds like one of the things Spacey would do, Kev.

Yeah. Yeah. Ride up the Spacester Street. Yeah. You're absolutely right to think that, because this is totally true. One of the most tragic glue-based stories came from the land of Romania, where a father of five mistook a tube of superglue for a tube of lubricant and glued a condom to his penis. With the help of doctors and many hours of plastic surgery,

he has successfully changed his identity to conceal his embarrassment, and a hole has been cut in the end to stop the unsightly urine ballooning that occurred for the first four years after the incident. Miles, the early part of that story is probably true. It is absolutely true, yes. In fact, it wasn't that he mistook it for lubricant. He told Docs at the time that he'd done it because he didn't want to have any more children. Anyway, yes, that's true. Well done. Gekel is a new mega-adhesive made from the sticky feet of geckos

combined with the glue used by muscles. Half muscle, half gecko, all stick. Singer-songwriter Noel Gallagher achieves his famous brooding monobrow look by smearing glue right across his forehead, then sneakily lying face up beneath a barbershop chair. Thank you. It's just a silly thing to say, isn't it?

I don't think people are playing properly. That's a classic bit of Alan Davis off buzz chat not committing to the buzz of course I'm not buzzing for that he doesn't glue and lie on the floor in a bar with shot doesn't he

now you've made Miles buzz so cool Miles I'm so rebellious at times that Noel Gallagher thing is absolutely true I'm convinced of its authenticity I'm sorry to say

that that's not true and that's the end of Marcus's lecture and at the end of that round Marcus you've managed to smuggle one truth past everyone else which is the obvious and likely fact that gecko is a new adhesive combining the sticky

feet of geckos and the glue used by mussels. You were so close to that one, weren't you, Miles? You really twitched when you heard that. It's quite sinister watching Alan's control over Miles over there. It's like Patty Hearst or something.

You don't even know what's happening to you he's sausage i had no idea have you given him your pin number yet yeah he says i've won a prize anyway at the end of that round marcus you scored one point on the set of the Usual Suspects, Kevin Spacey glued his fingers together to keep his left hand constantly paralysed. It's the same acting technique that Pierce Brosnan uses on his face. Steady.

No, I think he was my favourite Bond, actually. Yoo-hoo is mine. Sorry, I was still on glue. Does one person in the audience agree with me? I think he's all right, actually. I really liked him. I find myself really liking Piers Bronson. Basically, that...

What's happening to me? 50. Yeah. He was brilliant, wasn't he? I'd never really thought about it before. Basically. Yeah. Best Bond ever, I'd say.

I'd lash out at anyone who suggested otherwise. Bring him back. Why did they get that new one? What on earth were they thinking? Pierce Brosnan was absolutely outstanding. No, one of the studio nearly went under. They've just gone mad. Brosnan. Brosnan. It's now the turn of Alan Davis.

Like Marcus Brigstocke, Alan is an avowed atheist, so tonight decides it. If either he or Marcus wins, there is no God. Alan, your subject is painting, the process of applying paints or pigments to a surface as a decorative or protective coating. Off you go, Alan. Where's this avowed atheist bit come from?

Literally from the script. Is that not the case? I haven't said that. I must have said something that's caused someone on Wikipedia to type it in. You're familiar with the level of research. I haven't read my Wikipedia entry since I was banned from editing it myself. If you're not an avowed atheist, well, there would be a contradiction in terms.

I mean, I don't think there's such a thing as God, you know? I don't think there's a God who made the world and stuff. Yeah, that'll pretty much do it. I'd still be disbelieving. David, leave Alan alone. What's, um... Come on, the guy's just come on to do a panel show. He doesn't need this outrageous grilling.

Most people think it's a load of fairy tales and nonsense, but why am I avowed and like I'm the leader of everyone? OK. You can re-record it, you know, Alan Davis dabbles in light atheism. I'm more comfortable with that. Anyway. In the Middle Ages,

it was customary... Sorry, middle of what? I mean, where are you starting time from, as an atheist? You know. This is my point about the avowed thing. I mean, I accept so many of society's conventions, which are based on the Christian... You know, it's nonsense to say, isn't it, Miles?

It's slander. And I, for one, am livid. In the Middle Ages, it was customary for monks, who were idiots, you know... LAUGHTER ..wasting their lives when they could be chatting to girls in pubs like everybody else... ..to apply paint to walls with their tongues. It is from this process that we get the expression, a lick of paint.

Do I wait now for the buzz? Do I wait for a buzz now? That's a tactical decision you have to take yourself. You could probably make Miles buzz, I think. Miles has closed his hands together and their knuckles are going white. A hooded man in Barcelona has been painting ginger moustaches

on all the city's statues. Susan. I like the idea, whether it's true or not, I'm just saying I like the idea of someone painting ginger moustaches on statues. I think that's something maybe they might do. Yep, they might, but they didn't. In 1981, a Los Angeles man was arrested for hiding under tables and painting women's toenails. Los Angeles man was arrested for hiding under tables and painting women's toenails. The Scottish biologist Alexander Fleming used multicolored bacteria to create germ paintings.

The bacteria were invisible when he painted them on, but became colorful as they grew. Michelangelo was only paid the equivalent of $5,000 to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. While rapper Kanye West paid to have a version painted on his dining room ceiling, it cost $350,000. Miles. Is this when you wanted me to buzz in? I reckon that's true. Kanye West.

Kanye West did have a version of the Sistine Chapel painted on his dining room ceiling. That's absolutely right. Idiot. Yeah. Yeah. Cavill painted on his dining room ceiling. That's absolutely right. Idiot. Yeah.

A huge number of painters have been killed by their own works. William Gainsborough was crushed when his painting of an elephant fell off the easel. Gaston Monet died after accidentally eating his painting of a sandwich. And when the Greek painter Zeuxis... I don't really know how to say that Miles I suspect this one is going to be true The one that you seem to have no

sort of actual knowledge of sounds to you like it might have been presented as I thought you were going to help me out with the pronunciation I've gone rogue Adam Oh not again. Did a picture of a man being hit over the head with a black pudding. He laughed so hard at his own painting, he burst

a blood vessel and dropped dead. How do you feel now, you fool? Do you stand by your buzz? I suspect the name he attempted to pronounce exists. That person is a real painter. Yes, and indeed so is the story of him laughing so hard as his own painting is burst to blood. No less than three artists commissioned to paint the Queen

have asked a painter in the nude. Her Majesty only acceded to the third request as she believed Rolf Harris's portrait demanded it. However, to spare the Queen's blushes, when Rolf painted her naked, he kept his socks on. He said it gave him somewhere to put the brushes. In Minnesota, it's illegal to paint a moose on the side of your house.

In Aberdeen, it's illegal to paint a mouse on the side of your hoose. Marcus. I think the moose on the house in Minnesota, I think it is illegal to paint one there. No. On this occasion, there is no such... It's the first ever made-up American law that isn't true. Croatian dog lovers Goran and Carmen Tomasic

were so upset when their pet Dalmatian Bingo was run over by a car they painted their house white with black spots in his memory. Marcus. I think that's true. You're right. Yes. The couple say they were worried about what the neighbours would think but were determined to let

everyone know how much they loved bingo. Unless they'd painted a big tyre mark halfway up it as well, then the neighbours would conclude, these people are very tasteless, don't you think? The painting of Martin Clunes in the National Portrait Gallery caused a sensation, when visitors reported that the ears follow you round the room. Thank you, Alan.

And at the end of that round, Alan, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are the Los Angeles man being arrested for hiding under tables in the city's university libraries and painting women's toenails, and the second truth is that the Scottish biologist Alexander Fleming used multicoloured bacteria to create germ paintings. The bacteria were invisible when he painted them on,

but became colourful as they grew, creating a variety of images, including ballerinas, houses and soldiers. And that means, Alan, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores in fourth place with one point we have marcus brigstock in third place with two points it's alan davis in second place with four points it's miles jupp and first place, with an unassailable five points, it's this week's winner, Susan Kalman. That's about it for this series.

We'll be back later in the year. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Alan Davies, Susan Kalman, Miles Jupp and Marcus Brigstaff. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster Thank you.