The Unbelievable Truth - 10x01 Pies, Dancing, Worms, James Bond

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

10x01 31 December 2012 Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, Ed Byrne, Charlie Higson Pies, Dancing, Worms, James Bond

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the show where truth and reality mean nothing compared to the art of beating about the bush. A sort of radio equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey. For this week's guest comedians, well, I'm looking at four very big names. That's right, my eyesight's failing and I need a large font. Please welcome Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, Ed Byrne and Charlie Higson. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Tony Hawks.

Tony is in the Guinness Book of World Records for the furthest distance hitchhiked with a fridge, beating the previous best of nobody ever tony your subject is pies described by my encyclopedia as a baked food consisting of a sweet or savory filling contained within a pastry casing off you go tony fingers on buzzers the rest of you in 2008 2008, at the World Custard Pie Throwing Championships, the winning team, called We're Not Keen on Potatoes, threatened not to accept their first prize,

which greatly excited the second-place team, who were called We Don't Like Asparagus. The pop group ABBA, who are actually made of pie, The pop group ABBA, who are actually made of pie, have recorded over 400 songs about mainline railway stations. Their biggest success, Waterloo, was originally called Honey Pie, until they realised that this wasn't a station and immediately changed the name. Ed.

ABBA's song Waterloo was originally supposed to be entitled honey pie you're absolutely right it was well done i believe they wrote the whole song honey pie to that tune and then changed it i bet they feel pretty foolish about that now oh yeah it would have been a hit otherwise. The expression as American as apple pie comes from the Greek word plaxos, meaning as American as apple pie. The expression easy as pie has no origin. Pythagoras, known to his friends as Pie, loved apple pie. And it was on one such pie that he discovered

that the ratio of the circumference of the pie's circle to its diameter was six. The 2007 World Pie-Eating Championships were thrown into disarray after the organiser's dog ate all the pies lucy yeah i'm gonna go that the pie eating championships had to be called off because the dog ate all the pies and that is true well done eskimos in lapland who occasionally eat penguin pie once had to go to death... Ed. I think Eskimos in Lapland

do occasionally eat penguin pie. And if they don't, they ought. Oh, no, they don't. I've just remembered, no, penguins are from the other end of the world. And Eskimos don't live in Lapland. Otherwise, you were spot on. These Eskimos once had to go to desperate lengths when food ran short.

They put ice in their pies, garnishing them with one of their own eyes. When they served it up to their children, they declared, There you go, ice pie with my little eye. pie with my little arm. Shakespeare often included pie references in his films. Fruit pies, which hadn't really been referenced in English culture before the reign of Elizabeth the First, mentioned all through shakespeare's 20 million pound action blockbuster hamlet three sorry but i do think that the fruit pie had not been referenced before the reign of what you said elizabeth the first elizabeth the first you're right. You're right. Applause something back there. Time traveller David Bellamy made pies in the 18th century and was particularly popular with the politicians of the day. His pies, however, were extremely toxic and it became a sign of great bravado and fortitude if they could be eaten with no harm coming to the consumer.

Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger may well have fallen victim to this. His last words being, I think I could eat one of Bellamy's veal pies. Charlie. I do think those were his genuine last words. They absolutely were. Yes! genuine last words they absolutely were yes strictly speaking there are two people aren't sure what william pitt the younger's last words

were some say it's i think i could eat one of bellamy's veal pies others say his last words were oh my country how i leave my country now i believe the veal pie once a bit it's a bit neat oh my country to my advantage he said the other one though isn't it and i'm sure that was in his mind at the time thank you tony and at the end of that round tony you've smuggled one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the second place team in the 2008 World Custard Pie Throwing Championships were called We Don't Like Asparagus. But that means, Tony, you've scored one point. Carl Sagan once stated, if you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

Wise words. But personally, I find Delia's recipe slightly quicker. OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter. As a comedian, Lucy was once the support act for puppetry of the penis. Not that it needed much support once it got going. Your subject, Lucy, is dancing. The rhythmic movement of the body in time to music involving a set of prescribed or improvised steps or movements.

Off you go, Lucy. We all know that Elton John wrote the song Tiny Dancer about Wayne's sleep. But did you also know that Wayne is a record breakerbreaker? In 1973, Wayne leapt into the air and crossed and uncrossed his legs 12 times in less than a second, although he said afterwards that he was just really desperate for a wee. Ed? I think Wayne Sleep does hold that record for the crossing and uncrossing of legs in a single jump. You're right, he does, yes.

12 times? The entrechats douze. Yes, it is called the entrechats douze. In 1973, in 7 tenths of a second, he did wiggle his legs in that way, beating the previous record of ten leg crossings and uncrossings held by famous Russian ballet dancer Veslav Nijinsky, which would have been an entrechat dix, presumably.

We're all now experts on entrechats. Entrechat means between cat, doesn't it? I think they used to practice between cats. Right. Or just have a cat afterwards. Yeah. Sort of regain your energy. Tell you what, do an entrechat do's and then you can have another cat.

Ballet-trained Hollywood stars include Morgan Freeman, Harvey Keitel and Digby, the biggest dog in the world. Charlie. Now, one of them... Take your pick. ..is going to be true. Take your pick. It was Harvey Keitel. No, it was Morgan Freeman.

Yeah, Morgan Freeman studied dance for five years in San Francisco and New York, where he says he learnt the real discipline of the bar. Having a dance partner of the opposite gender was illegal in Argentina until 1967. The tango originated as a dance between two men. The moves were much more combative than the sensual ones we know today. The partners would slap each other hard round the face and shout, you've been tangoed.

Tony. we know today the partners would slap each other hard around the face and shout you've been tangoed tony i do think the men in argentina weren't allowed to dance with women before 1967 that's what you think that's what i don't ridicule me is that i'm just trying to i don't like the way you know this i'm clarifying your assertion. Well, of course it's that, yes. No, that's not true. Oh. Ed. I believe that the tango used to be a far more combative dance. Is that... No, I don't know.

When I was growing up at our local school discos, it used to be very combative. It wasn't quite tango, but some of the dances were incredibly combative. Whereas I found many of the fights at my school were incredibly musical. I believe that. I believe they were probably quite sensual. It was like West Side Story.

Irish dancing was previously known as door dancing because whereas English and Scottish dancers would cavort in fields and barns and fling their arms above their heads, Irish dancers used more restrictive dance rules, doors that had been taken off their hinges, largely by their English and Scottish invaders. Tony.

We all know Irish dancing, you know, they've got to stay in this little area to practise, and I think that they did... You're making the wrong kind of face. You're right, they did, yeah. Irish dancing was traditionally performed on doors taking off their hinges or on round barrel tops. I saw a cast of Riverdance after it had been on for quite a while.

They were on in London for about two weeks. And the bloke afterwards, I was talking to him, and he said, it doesn't matter. You can be as fat as you like for Irish dancing because it's all about the bottom half of your body. So you'd have tiny skinny legs. Yeah, as long as you were fit from the waist down, it didn't matter how fat you were.

That's because when Ireland was occupied by British rule, when we were being oppressed, we weren't allowed to practice our cultural heritage. So various things, like Irish dancing, were banned. So we'd do it behind a hedge. And we would nod as the invaders went by. You're not practising your heritage, are you, Paddy? And we'd look. No, sir.

We'd be grinning, because below the waist, whoo, chicken. What an incredibly moving story. Nature's most extreme mating dance is performed by the hoverfly. The female twirls frantically around the male, then when he's dizzy, she extracts the male's seed with her teeth before she impregnates herself and dances round him till he collapses.

This ritual can be seen re-enacted on the streets of Cardiff every Saturday night. Tony. The hoverfly business. Not the streets of Cardiff? No, no. The hoverfly business all right not the streets of cardiff no no no the hoverfly business no no although there's a similar thing is true not not that but the hilara or dance fly does have a wing waving mating dance which is accompanied by the male giving the female a gift of an insect wrapped in silk while she's busy unwrapping the gift the male mounts her some lazy male dance flies have been known to offer females what looks like a gift

wrapped insect and then attempt to complete the act of mating before she opens the gift bag and discovers there's nothing in it that's exactly how i won my wife. I think the message you take from this is if you're on a date or dinner with a young lady you fancy, try and mount her before you have to pay the bill. No, that's not the message, sorry. As Tony rightly says, that's not what Radio 4 is all about. I've got it all wrong. No one loves to dance more than the French. So much so that in 16th century Strasbourg,

they even suffered a plague of dancing, with many citizens dying of dance-related heart attacks and dehydration. In 1920s Paris, the dancers at the Moulin Rouge were so well paid that it was not uncommon for men to try and infiltrate their ranks. One of the most famous can-can dancers, La Goulue, was eventually discovered to be a man, so he was rechristened Les Goulies. Charlie?

Could I hazard a guess that the most famous can-can dancer was called La... or whatever the first name was? Not Les Goulies. Not Les Goulies, the first thing. Well, actually, I do have to say, no, La Goulue was a famous can-can dancer.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't realise what I've done there. Oh, it's a rogue fact. Well, I mean, I said, oneulu was a famous can-can dancer. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't realise what I've done there. Oh, it's a rogue fact. Well, I mean, I said one of the most famous can-can dancers, Lagulu, was eventually discovered to be a man. So I did research, I did research, I did a bit of research. Well, tell you what, I'll let you off if you let me off, yeah?

All right, then. Before you start letting each other off, whatever that means. Just give me a gift bag, Charlie. Just give me a gift bag. Actually, we don't really need david let's just do it all ourselves go to the pub mate have a drink we'll carry on instead they shot him um no i certainly certainly don't lose a point for that charlie the actor charles dance was originally christened chareston Dance, but shortened it to Charles on joining Equity, much to the disappointment of his parents, Morris Dance and Nelly Disco.

Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. You deceptive woman. The first one, of course uh is that what i said about morgan freeman him having studied dance for five years in san francisco and new york that's true the second is that the tango originated as a dance between two men in um buenos aires in the 19th century it was like the wild west there were a lot more men than women yes and so in order to have the lovely dancing that all we men desire they had to dance with each other

same same was true of um the cowboy dancing line dancing is that why line dancing happened well line dancing that's why they don't touch each other because there weren't any women around you see right can i get a point back for that little no that's a very interesting fact and you can get a point you know a separate point that doesn't count um but yes i from my point maybe maybe i'm about to say something sexist but isn't the point of dancing for men that you get to sort of touch women and impress them but they actually the dancing in itself is not you're not you're not at all enjoyable but i have no real insight into the frontier spirit do i and i it was a showy offy sort of a thing you see we've got a bar and there's only one woman in it the men will dance in a competitive nature and she will go with the one who dances the best so is that what we're

supposed to do? Yes. So when you're in a pub, you just dance competitively with other men? Yes. And then the barmaid will pick the best one of us and mate. I feel like we're trying to explain the concept of dancing to a robot. Well, dance for us now.

LAUGHTER I don't know why you're applauding, because that's not going to happen. Except in honour of my Irish roots, I've been dancing the whole time behind this desk. APPLAUSE The third truth that Lucy managed to smuggle past the panel is that in 16th century Strasbourg, they suffered a plague of dancing, with many citizens dying of dance-related heart attacks

and dehydration. This was in 1518. Around 400 citizens became afflicted with what is now regarded as an outbreak of mass hysteria, and as many as 50 people danced themselves to death. Now, as you'll have known from the previous conversations, I don't really understand how that could have happened. They must have been so horny, those Frenchies. Yeah. According to your theory. Well, I mean, does that sound so implausible to you? Anyway, that means, Lucy, that you've scored three points next up is

Ed Byrne Ed recently appeared with Tony Hawk's in the film of Tony's book round island with a fridge so it's quite possible there are more people here tonight that were in it than have seen it Ed, your subject is worms. Invertebrate animals with soft, elongated bodies that are round or flattened and usually without limbs. If you were to dig up all the worms in your garden and lay them end to end, your wife would leave you. Actually, the term digging for worms is a euphemism for a number of different pursuits including demolition site clearances grave robbing catching internet sex predators and performing varicose

vein surgery if you cut an earthworm into as many as eight pieces each piece is capable of growing into a separate, fully formed earthworm. If you were to plait four or more tapeworms together, you would get a rope with a greater strength than a bungee cord. And if you were to take an earthworm and clean the dirt off it by putting it in your mouth, then spitting it into a jar full of other earthworms, and then label that jar, my friends, then keep that jar under your bed until all the worms die, your name is Keith and you used to live three doors down from me until your parents had to move house because of that thing that happened with the dog that nobody talks about.

The nematode worm is the second most studied animal of all time, just below reality show contestants. As a result, nematodes were the first animals in space the first animals to have their genetic code sequence and the first animals to be given full membership of the royal institute tony i think that they were the first animals to have their gene thing sequenced or whatever that was you're right they were yeah this is because this is because the nematode is one of the simplest animals. As humans, we share 75% of our DNA

with both nematode worms and pumpkins. So I don't feel so bad about what I did to that pumpkin now. You were closer than I thought. I could have been your sister. Studies of nematodes reveal that they are also fond of nicotine and, once addicted, suffer terrible withdrawal symptoms. These include swearing, punching subordinates and smashing up edit suites.

Oh, no, wait, that's TV executives. It was once thought that earthworms fell from the sky at night. Tony. I think they did used to think earthworms fell from the sky at night. Tony. I think they did used to think earthworms fell from the sky. There's lots of cases in history of all these sort of things falling from the sky, and I'm convinced of this. You're right. Oh, yes.

It was once thought that they fell from the sky. This is because they're often seen early in the morning following rain. Other phenomena that were at one time thought to be the product of worm activity include the holes in cheese, tooth decay, and most of the scripts of True Blood season four. Thank you, Ed. And at the end of that round, Ed, you've also managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that worms can become addicted to nicotine and suffer terrible withdrawal symptoms. The second truth is that digging for worms is a euphemism for varicose vein surgery. Sorry. And the third truth is that it was a widely held belief in Europe, even into the 20th century, that toothache and tooth decay were caused by a tooth worm. This belief was probably caused by the worm-like tubular structures found in teeth.

And that means, Ed, you've scored three points. Now it's the turn of Charlie Higson. Charlie worked for a while as a plasterer before quitting to become a writer and performer on the hugely successful Farce Show. The show is remembered fondly by many, although not by Mrs Henderson of Clapham, who is still waiting for him to finish her kitchen extension.

Charlie has written several books featuring the school days of a young James Bond. Appropriately, Charlie, your subject is James Bond, the fictional British secret agent created by writer Ian Fleming. Off you go, Charlie. James Bond. The very name is enough to set everyone's heart racing. And it seems Bondmania...

Yeah, that's true. Ed. Well, everyone's heart racing. Mine's not. There you are. Come on. Come and feel it, if you like. Bond mania literally knows no bounds.

Not only is James... I mean, literally. A mania cannot know anything. I wouldn't mind if you hadn't said literally. David, can you take control and get him to shut up so I can carry on, please? Well, I don't think we need David to do that. We could just do that amongst ourselves. Not only is James the most popular boy's name in England,

it's the most popular girl's name, too. There are James Bond theme parks, an official James Bond clothing range. There's a mountain in the Alps named James Bond. There's even a minor planet named after him. Lucy. Mountain in the Alps. Nope.

OK. OK. Tony. This, you're going to say, is too late. Shall I do it anyway or not? I don't know what it is. It was way back in Lucy's realm. It was way back in Lucy's realm.

No, James, most popular name in England. No, you are too late, which is lucky for you because it isn't. That's how fair I am. Oh, yeah. I like having you here. Thanks to the fair-minded chair bot who doesn't understand dancing or love. Lucy. I'm going to just keep going. Minor Planet.

Yes. Yes! Thank God for that. OK. Yes, it was named... Minor Planet was named after James Bond by Czech astronomers who decided the name was fitting, given the asteroid's number, 9007. Ian Fleming got the idea for James Bond after watching the film Doctor No.

Fleming's brilliant book titles didn't come to him easily. His working title for Live and Let Die was The Undertaker's Wind. And at one time, he wanted to call Goldfinger simply Peter. The name of the Bond villain blofeld was inspired by the father of the english cricket commentator henry blofeld who fleming was at eton with lucy that is true that it was inspired by that blofeld you're right it was yeah well done fleming often used the names of people he knew, including Scaramanga, who was named after George Scaramanga, with whom he was also at school,

and Goldfinger, who was named after the architect Erno Goldfinger. But when Fleming was accused of giving his characters names with rude double meanings, he proved that they were all genuine names taken from the London telephone directory. He also insisted that the rude name of the little village in Kent where he said Bond had grown up, Pet Bottom, was also a real place.

Lucy. Sounds Kentish. Leave him alone, he's doing his best. You're absolutely right, it is a genuine Kentish place. Bond's obituary in You Only Live Twice reveals that he grew up with his aunt in Pet Bottom, a small settlement five miles south of Canterbury.

Charlie. Since Sean Connery quit as Bond, hundreds of unlikely people over the years have been considered by the producers to play the part, including Harold Wilson, who was turned down for being a little bit metrosexual. Footballer George Best,

who felt he couldn't keep up with Bond's excessive drinking requirements. The Arctic explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes, who was dismissed for having a face like a farmer. And Judi Dench, who turned out to be a woman. Tony. I think George Best might have been put up for the part of James Bond at some point. He wasn't.

Oh, no. Plausible, though, wasn't it? Yeah, I mean... Can't have been any worse than George Laneson, B. And the toupee that Sean Connery wore in all his Bond movies sold for $25,000. It was bought by Roger Moore, who wore it in all 36 of his outings as Bond

and has since been passed down from star to star until Daniel Craig refused to wear it, preferring to sport a vintage Bruce Forsyth crown topper. Thank you, Charlie. And at the end of that round, Charlie, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the working title for Live and Let Die was The Undertaker's Wind, which is the name given to the prevailing airflow in Jamaica,

where Fleming wrote many of his Bond books. And the second truth is that despite having little acting experience, Sir Ranulph Fiennes got through to the last six to play Bond after Sean Connery quit. But producer Cubby Broccoli said his hands were too big and he had a face like a farmer. And that means, Charlie, you've scored two points. Fleming named James Bond after a famous ornithologist of the time, just as well. Somehow it just wouldn't have been the same hearing Sean Connery say, the name's Oddy. Bill Oddy.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Tony Hawks. In third place, with one point, it's Charlie Hickson. In second place, with two points, it's Ed Byrne. And in first place with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Lucy Porter. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Charlie Higson, Lucy Porter, Ed Byrne and Tony Hawkes. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production of BBC Radio 4.