The Unbelievable Truth - 10x03 Boris Johnson, Computers, Oscar Wilde, Wasps

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

10x03 14 January 2013 John Finnemore, Henning Wehn, Holly Walsh, Arthur Smith Boris Johnson, Computers, Oscar Wilde, Wasps

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. I can't think of many panel shows that would boast this week's line-up of guests. Sorry, would boast about this week's line-up of guests. Please welcome Arthur Smith, John Finnemore, Henning Vein and Holly Walsh. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with John Finnemore. John, your subject is Boris Johnson, journalist, conservative party politician, and current mayor of London. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Boris Johnson was born in a grimy tenement in the poverty-stricken mining community of Henley-on-Thames.

The son of a former mine worker and an old English sheepdog. For a kid like Boris, there are only two ways out of the mean streets of Henley. Crime and whiff-waff. Well, I know Boris Johnson, he was the MP for Henley. Was he born in Henley? No. OK. No.

No, he was born in New York. Was he? You should be able to tell that from his accent. Yeah, sorry for interrupting your day. No, it's part of it. You're supposed to, Henley. Arthur. Well, I thought I'd interrupt then.

Well, good. Have you got anything to say? No. Excellent. This way, the programme will be long enough. John. At first, bare-knuckle street whiff-waff in unlicensed whiff-waff dens. But from there, he got a toehold into the professional whiff-waff circuit. And before long, he was making toehold into the professional whiff-waff circuit, and before long, he was making enough to put himself through school.

On Boris's first day at Eton, the magical sorting hat immediately placed him in Slytherin. But Boris told it to shut up and ambled over to join Hufflepuff. Boris was at the same school as George Osborne, whom he once used as a footstool, the Miliband brothers and the King of Spain. I can imagine he probably did use George Osborne as a footstool. We can all imagine that now.

He didn't, as far as we know. At Oxford, Boris got back in touch with his working-class roots, joining both the University Socialist Society and the famous Cowingdon Club, a group of privileged but socially conscious young men whose purpose was to follow the Bullingdon Club around the restaurants of Oxford, apologising and offering to help clear up. After university, Boris wanted nothing more than a quiet life of whiff-waff practice

and indulging his hobby of painting pictures of cows. But David Cameron, who, on leaving Oxford, had automatically been made Prime Minister by sheer force of how much he expected to be, pleaded with Boris to become Mayor of London. Henning, did Cameron encourage him to become Mayor of London? No, I think it's fair to say that David Cameron wanted almost anyone else in the Conservative Party. Before Boris, he approached Sebastian Coe, Andrew Neil, John Major, Anne Robinson, Greg Dyke to stand as a Tory-slash-Lib Dem candidate,

Arthur Smith and Nick Ferrari. So I wouldn't be surprised to be voting for Ken. The idea of any sort of public attention or limelight has always terrified Boris, but he was too polite to say no, so instead he decided to come up with some policies that would surely make him unelectable. He suggested patients should be given the chance

to carry out their own surgery, that Wales should be sold off as a vast, bumpy car park, and that we should stop Iran developing a nuclear bomb by just giving them one of ours. The electorate didn't listen to a word, but they noticed he had non-standard hair, and he shot into a 75% lead. Boris became desperate.

He called the entire population of Portsmouth subhuman troglodytes. They agreed with him. He stole a cigar case from the Deputy Prime Minister, but the police just made him give it back i think he might have stolen this sort of thing he would do steal a cigar from the deputy prime minister that would be like a wacky bullingdon type stunt wouldn't it it would and he did do it yes it was not a cigar but as said, it was a cigar case,

and it was from the Deputy Prime Minister of Iraq, Tariq Aziz. How did he go about stealing it? Well, there was some sort of war on in Iraq, so things were a bit up in the air. And he was there as a journalist, and he was in the bombed-out remains of Tariq Aziz's house, and there was a cigar case there and he pocketed it. Well, it's probably not stealing then, is it?

Well, the police did make him give it back, so... Oh, really? I'd say if your house has got bombed, you're probably not going to go back to it, so it's probably fair. Wow, I'm glad you weren't around in the blitz. And so Boris found himself, the reluctant mayor of London, playing long, nostalgic games of whiff-waff across the mayoral desk at City Hall

and tinkering with his long-term pet project to reroute the London Underground so that the tube map spells a rude word. But that wasn't the end of his story. In 2015, the Conservatives made him party leader because they wanted a rest. In 2018, the nation elected made him party leader because they wanted a rest. In 2018, the nation elected him prime minister because he's Boris, isn't he? It'll be a giggle. In 2030, the newly formed Federated States of Europe made him president because of his

amusing hair. And in 2035, the United Nations appointed him lifetime dictator of the world because he was so good on Have I Got News For You. Now, I have to say, obviously, in some sense, these may be truths. Yes, I think all I can say about these is that if any of these things come true, then we'll do a recount. And that is why I've been sent back here tonight from the future to say on what we in the future have concluded was the most important and influential radio programme of its time, for all our

sakes, please stop finding Boris funny. Thank you. Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. Which are that Boris was at the same school as the Milib the panel, which are that Boris was at the same school as the Miliband brothers,

which was not Eton, but Primrose Hill Primary School, and he was in the year above David Miliband. And the second truth is that Boris suggested that we should give Iran a nuclear bomb to stop them researching to build their own. He wrote, I am acutely conscious that this may seem faintly barmy. And I should stress that this is simply an idea I am running up the flagpole. The third truth is that Boris has a hobby

of painting pictures of cows. he revealed this in an interview for the evening standard magazine wow that was a scoop and the fourth truth is that he plays games of whiff whaff across the mayoral desk at city hall it was recorded in the independent 2008 that johnson has been known to construct an impromptu whiff-waff table at City Hall by pushing desks together and using a pile of books as a net. That's the spirit of the Blitz. Pushing all them tables together and make do with what little there is.

Great. We couldn't have done it without you guys. Anyway, that means, John, you've scored four points. Boris Johnson is directly descended from George II in the 18th century and also directly descended from a zip wire in the 21st century. OK, we turn now to Henning Vein. Your subject, Henning, is computers, programmable electronic devices that can store, retrieve or process data.

Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Henning. Computers were invented by Jesus. In the year 0110010... ..BC. In his belief that the whole world should have free pornography. Today, ironically, the only pornography-free network is run by the Vatican, which has three computers called Raphael, Michael and Gabriel. The Vatican's porn is stored on Lucifer.

The dim John. Is it possible that the Vatican has three computers named after archangels that's absolutely true well that named after the archangels these computers are the vatican's net servers powering their eight language website and dedicated youtube channel in, it was claimed that the Vatican website suffered 10,000 virus attacks and 900 attempted hackings every month. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Lucifer can only be operated by trained mice,

which is where we get the word for the childishly named peripheral mouse pointer, or as I prefer to call it, the manual XY exact position indicator for modular display system. Easily remembered by the acronym XY epiphytomots. I think that's probably the way Henning likes to think of it. Henning, be honest. Is that the way you like to think of it? I do like to think of it as such,

but I always refer to it as a hand XY, ganz genaue Position Anzeiger für modulares Darstellsystem. And that's all one word. Populares Darstellsystem. And that's all one word. Recently, the Church of England gave up on people going to actual churches and set up an online parish. It finances itself by selling email letters of absolution for people who have just been viewing pornography.

But what about non-religious computer use, I hear you ask? He certainly doesn't. In 1969, as Neil Armstrong was close to making a giant leap for mankind, the computers on board Apollo 11 panicked and could not handle the data so the crew had to land the thing themselves.

As luck would have it, at the time, Apollo 11 was on a forklift truck in a warehouse in New Mexico Arthur I think I was just the first I think we all buzzed in on um the computers on the moon landing went awry just before they landed yes Yes, you're absolutely right, they did. So Neil Armstrong flew the lunar module manually to a safe landing site. That's amazing, because his first words could well have been, I've tried turning it off and turning it on again. Can someone call an expert? Computers might not be good at calculating calculating but their heart is in the right place

now this explains why the pc was named time magazine's person of the year in 1982 just ahead of big bird and rainbow's three john i will go for the time magazine naming the pc man of the year you're right they did that is silly isn't it it was the the first time they picked a non-human and in 2006 time magazine's person of the year was you the creators of original content on the world wide web that's a real cop-out isn't it they're going to give the award, the arbitrary award, to you, everyone. I actually use it on my CV, though, I say. 2006 person of the year. Moore's law of computers states that computers will become twice as sophisticated every two years. Arthur.

I think probably they are going to become twice as sophisticated every two years. Arthur? I think probably they are going to become twice as sophisticated every two years. I know I do. Yes, you're right. That's what Moore's Law of Computers states. In 1965, American engineer Gordon Moore predicted that computer speed and memory would double every two years. The actual rate has been a doubling every 18 months.

The other thing computers are good for is setting up Facebook pages of second-rate German comedians without their consent. Meaning they have to spend hours of non-productivity writing to Mark Zuckerberg's criminal money laundering organisation with no success at all. Apparently it's fine for anyone to have their identity stolen by some half-wit and have to breach of the basic human right to your own identity, overseen by an unelected, power-hungry entrepreneur who is unanswerable

to the law, doesn't possess an ounce of common business. And that's exactly what Hitler wanted to do. But I tell you what, even the Nazi party wouldn't have had the nerve to steal my identity and then send me an automated email asking me how satisfied I was with their customer service. Arthur. Well, either Henning is one of the greatest actors in the world, or that is true. It's always.

Well, yes, I think you get a point then, Arthur, yes? Can I just say, Henning, I thought it was quite a funny idea at the time, and I'm sorry. Anyway, that, some time ago now, was the end of henning's lecture and henning you managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that the church of england in response to declining church attendance has founded an i church hoping to attract busy christians who find it difficult to actually go to church the i church is its own parish and the current priest is pam smith that would be so depressing if you sent a sort of email prayer

and you just got an out-of-office reply. To be honest, it's more than you get from most prayers. Next up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is Oscar Wilde, Irish writer of the late 19th century, best known for his witty plays, poetry, and criminal conviction for homosexual acts. Off you go, Holly.

Way before David Beckham, Oscar Wilde was one of the first men to champion the sarong. Due to a misprint on his birth certificate, Wilde's mother dressed him as a girl for the first few years of his life and as a result he became attached to flowing attire john i think maybe his mother dressed him as a girl for a few years that might be true yes his mother dressed him as a girl for the first few years of life was it hand-me-downs or why well well to be fair uh quite a lot of victorian male babies would be dressed in dresses, so it's not that remarkable, except that she also would put jewels on him,

which wasn't normal. Well, these days, that isn't too uncommon either, is it? Like, all the Premier League footballers, they all wear jewels. Yeah, they're not babies, though. Yes, they are. Which makes it even less acceptable, really. I've always fancied a little ankle bracelet, something like that.

A bit sexy. I want one of them big earrings, ideally. You would look good with an earring, or two earrings. Have you ever thought about it? If I'm honest, no. I haven't got much in the way of earlobes. No. Is that the only thing that's been holding you back?

Yeah. Apparently, in some parts of the world, that's prized as a thing of beauty, small earlobes. Yeah. Are you saying not in this part of the world? LAUGHTER In this particular round, I've got that problem. I just don't know anything about Oscar Wilde, so...

LAUGHTER I've got that problem. I just don't know anything about Oscar Wilde. Maybe there is an occasion where I can buzz in, but I can't quite picture it right now. Who's the German equivalent of Oscar Wilde? Goethe. Well, for that, I would have to know more about him. Well, who is the German? Who is the German, perhaps of the 19th century, who's famous for his brilliant wits and epigrams?

I'll get back to you on that one. He always gets it, doesn't he? Who would be your ideal dinner party guest? He's always Oscar Wilde, isn't he? He's always at every sodded dinner party. He sounds so bitter, Arthur. Like, you want to be on the next one. I want to be Oscar Wilde. I always at every sodded dinner party he sounds so bitter arthur like you want to be on the nest i want to be oscar wilde i'd always want a dinner party someone quiet he doesn't mind turning the telly on and do the washing up yeah and he doesn't eat much brings his own food

yeah brings his own food and leaves some of it. It doesn't even show up at all. You want a dead person to come to dinner with you. I want someone to come to dinner, die, and then I eat them and they're delicious. After university, Oscar won the post of agony aunt on The Lady magazine under the heading Dear Phyllis. Heading. Yeah, did he become an agony aunt on a newspaper?

No. He might have written for the lady, mind, I suppose. Anyway, that's irrelevant. He might have done. Do you want to buzz? This might be a trick. Shall I buzz? Arthur.

Well, I believe that after university, Oscar Wilde had a job as a columnist on The Lady magazine. No, he didn't. You bastard! Such was his success in the role that he went on to edit Good Housekeeping, Women's World and Grazia. Wilde's legacy has impacted every art form. Even the 1999 blockbuster the matrix was loosely

based on the importance of being earnest he was also the first to use the phrase bimbo popularized the word dude and it was from oscar wilde that anton deck appropriated the title of their much loved song let's get ready to rumble there have been been just two attempts to tell Oscar Wilde's story on stage and screen. One, a 2004 musical written and directed by former Radio 1 DJ Mike Reed, was performed on this very stage. Described as the worst musical in the world ever, it closed after one night. I have a vague memory of that being true. Yeah, you were in it.

Yeah. That's right, I playing lord palmerston no that is absolutely true yeah and it was it was uh it was performed on this very stage in the shore theater in london was described as invoking feelings of incredulous contempt by the Daily Telegraph and the Guardian wondered whether the sound system was being affected by the hefty rumbling of Oscar Wilde turning in his grave. Oscar Wilde's grave in Père Lachaise Cemetery was originally adorned with a sculpture of a man with an erect penis, but a gardener in the graveyard was so offended he snapped it off.

Stephen Fry has this penis on his mantelpiece. Arthur. I must admit, I heard a member of the audience go, true to the first bit. That's so unfair. Yes, as a form of response to the show, that is not to be encouraged. This is like that Who Wants To to be a millionaire, but less subtle.

It has to be less subtle because the stakes are so much higher. It's true the angel figure designed by Jacob Epstein lost its penis in an act of vandalism. I'm sorry about that. After which it was reported to have been used as a paperweight by the cemetery superintendent. Do you know who else is also buried in Père Lachaise? Who?

Jim Morrison. Oh, right. Who founded Morrison Supermarkets. No, it was Jim Morrison, Tim Père Lachaise, and Gertrude Stein, Oscar Wilde and some others I'm just like really showing off there's bound to be some others

otherwise it's not so much a cemetery as a serial killers back garden that would be a great place to bury a body by the way in a graveyard you're not the first person to think that have you done it already then yeah after one of his dinner parties thank you holly and at the end of that round holly you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel.

And the first is that Oscar Wilde edited Woman's World. Yeah, you see. Or The Woman's World magazine, as it was then known. And the second truth is that Oscar Wilde was responsible for the coining of the term dude. He did a highly successful tour of American american theaters and became very popular with his philosophy of aestheticism and his followers became known as dudes at that time as a way of ridiculing their foppish style and that means you've scored two points now it's the turn of arthur smith ar your subject is wasps. Winged insects, characterised

by their narrow waists, yellow and black stripes, and potent sting. Off you go, Arthur. A type of Australian wasp was given the scientific name, Aha, because whenever the entomologist who identified it received a package from a colleague containing insect specimens,

he always exclaimed, Aha! Thus, there are also wasps called cripes. And bloody hell, look at this one. John? I think maybe there is a wasp called Aha. There is indeed. Yes, well done. It's called Aha-Ha, in fact.

And it's called Aha-Ha because when the entomologist Arnold Menker opened the package in 1977, he said Ah-Ha. There's also an arachnid called Oops, a colonid beetle called Colon Rectum, and horseflies named Gracitia Titsadaisy and Tabanus R risenshine. A wasp was the inspiration for the shape of the first croissant.

When French bakers noticed wasps would always cluster round the butter-rich pastry when it was hot. Holly. That sounds possible. Yes, but it's not true. Right. My partner gave me that one. And I said, if you manage to pass that off as a fact I'll give you 20 quid.

Yeah, that's what she told me. I've got 10 quid. Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass features a massive wasp wearing a wig. John? I think there is a wasp in a wig in Lewis Carroll. There is. Well done.

Yes, well done. It was in the original manuscript, but omitted from the original publication, as Carroll's illustrator, John Tenniel, considered it too ridiculous to illustrate and altogether beyond the appliance of art. He wrote, My dear Dodgson, don't think me brutal,

but I am bound to say that the wasp chapter does not interest me in the least, and I can't see my way to a picture. If you want to shorten the book, I can't help thinking, with all submission, that this is your opportunity. Until recently, the Dangerous Animals Act decided that an animal was officially dangerous if its sting was worse than two wasps. The phrase police sting was given a new meaning in 2001 when Dutch scientists announced that they had found a way of training wasps to sniff out drugs.

Holly. I don't think they can sniff them out, but I've got a feeling there's something about that that's true yes there is something about that that's true which is that yes they can sniff out drugs biologist felix whackers found that wasps are quick learners and more effective than dogs at finding substances like marijuana and explosives with the brecon wasp taking less than an hour to train i would have thought it would take about two hours to train a brecon wasp it's amazing um when the wasps smell substances they move their heads in a feeding motion too slight to be seen by the human eye but which can be picked up by electronic sensors team from the university of georgia have

even developed a handheld chemical drug detector powered by five parasitic wasps, nicknamed the Wasp Hound. In Cornwall, wasps are known as Emmet Flutes. In Yorkshire, wasps are Buzzle Knits. In Devon, wasps are Apple Drains. And the old Scots

word for wasps is Horny Gollocks. According to people... I mean, it's a list, guys. I'm going to take the apple thingy. You're taking the apple thingy? You're right. Yay!

Yes, in Devon, wasps are apple drains, presumably because of their inclination to eat or drain apples. Thank you, Arthur. And at the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in 1981, experts involved with the Dangerous Animals Act agreed that an animal was officially dangerous if its sting was worse than two wasps. That means you've scored one point.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Henning Vane. In third place, with two points, it's Arthur Smith. In second place, with three points, it's Holly Walsh. And in first place, with an unassailable five points, it's this week's winner, John Finnemore. And that's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth is devised by John Neslie and Graham Darden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Finnnamore, Arthur Smith,

Holly Walsh and Henning Bay. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Naismith. This was a random production of BBC Radio 4.