The Unbelievable Truth - 10x04 Gambling, Teeth, Tortoises & Turtles, Lemons

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

10x04 21 January 2013 Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, Ed Byrne, Charlie Higson Gambling, Teeth, Tortoises & Turtles, Lemons

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. You've heard of the Magnificent Seven and the Famous Five, so it's without hesitation that I call tonight's quartet of comedians This Week's Four. Please welcome Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, Ed Byrne and Charlie Higson. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Tony Hawks. In earlier days, Tony was in a band which got in the charts with a comedy single called Stutter Rap. And only after listening to it did I realise stutter rap must be rhyming slang. Tony, your subject is gambling, described by my encyclopedia as to play at any game of chance for money or other stakes. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Just before the show tonight, international male model Tony Hawks

bet David Mitchell one pound that he could say the word crestfallen three times without it appearing that the words had been obviously crowbarred in. Should no one buzz at this point claiming this to be a truth, he will be crestfallen. There is a law in New Hampshire stating that the gambling game bingo, invented by Lulu, cannot be played by men in stripy tops unless they happen to be crestfallen. by men in stripy tops. Unless they happen to be crestfallen. See how David Mitchell's face displays despair

at his one pound loss. In 1978 a Chicago man was killed during a game of Russian roulette with his last words don't worry it's not loaded. Ed. I think that might be true.

That is true. It was Terry Cath, the frontman of the band Chicago, and he shot himself at the kitchen table of Rhodey Don Johnson shortly after rebuking Johnson's warnings to be careful. Cath, a long-term gun enthusiast, is thought to have been drinking. California is home to the world's smallest bookmakers in a town called hancock it's just 20 feet square ed i believe that to be true also the town of hancock having the smallest bookmakers no it's not true oh dear but i i know what you mean that seemed sort of

i mean not to be rude to tony but uninteresting enough to be plausible well when I did this show a few weeks back I was so entertaining all the way through that they got nearly all my truths so I've since rethought my technique you've come back and decided to really grind it out your gain

is the show's loss it's also illegal in this state to raffle a dog unless it's been castrated. Madonna once worked as a bingo caller, as did Oliver Reed, Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, and Tony Parsons. Ed? I'm gonna go for Russell Crowe. Bingo! Yes. Teenage Crowe was fired from the job after using rude phrases to call numbers, including, number one, up your bum. And, I mean, he's still one of the world's great wits.

To anyone who doesn't think so, prepare to have a phone thrown at their head. Roulette was first played in Belgium in 1840, when farmer Albert Ickes and his son Raoul were idly throwing stones at a cartwheel. After a while, they grew tired of the game, so they went up to the attic and got out the old family roulette wheel. It's not just humans who gamble. Fish bet on who will be caught by fishermen.

Zebras bet on how many stripes their young will have. And computers bet on how often their users will come home pissed and write bitter, petty emails to ex-lovers. Lucy? Hang on, I've just realised the first thing, it's not just humans who gamble. If any of those are true, that must be true, which leads me to believe that actually none of them are true

because then he wouldn't have said the first one because then he'd know that that was true. Your logic is absolutely unimpeachable. But you should have used it before you buzzed. Yeah, I should have done exactly that, yes. Only humans gamble, only humans kill each other. But then only humans laugh.

Well, animals kill each other. No, but animals... Do animals kill? Yeah, they do kill each other. Do cats kill each other? Territorial. They have territorial disputes. I thought what people said, and by people I mean basically, you know, hippies.

You know, whereas humans, we have like the First World War animals, they'll fight a bit for territory, but they won't really get too far. Won't really get to actual deaths. But they do eat their own children, David. Who do? Animals. I've seen it. Hamsters eat their own children. That definitely counts as killing. Chimpanzees, I think, they murder

each other as well. Well, what have the hippies been saying to me? I don't know. Look, I don't believe that you know any hippies, David. I went into... I know lots of hippies. David thinks I'm a hippie because my hair is long. He doesn't know what a hippie is.

He thinks Robert Webb is a hippie. Right, I've forgotten where I was now. Robert Webb is a hippie. Oh, yes, yeah. I mean, fantastic. He used to have an earring. You know, it's... Computers also love poker,

and many compete in their own world championships hoping they don't crash just before they collect their winnings charlie i believe that there is a world championship poker of computers you're absolutely right there is since 2006 the annual computer poker competition has allowed computer programmers from all over the world to let their computers compete against each other. There are two winners in each event, the computer that wins most matches

and the computer that wins most money. Last year, about 70 million hands were played in order to mediate the effects of luck and arrive at statistically significant results. I'm surprised that hasn't been televised, because it sounds pretty engrossing. The smallest bet ever recorded was made by Bruce Forsyth, who bet a single human hair

that he could get the job presenting Strictly Come Dancing. He got odds of three million to one and walked away with a complete head of hair. In 1995, one punter waged £1,000 on a bet that Goran Ivanovic would not smile on centre court. Another punter won £200 by betting that Cliff Richard would get off with Martina Navratilova. Ed?

I believe the £1,000 on Goran Ivanovic not smiling on centre court. You're right to believe that. That's absolutely true. Ladbrokes offered good odds of 13 to 10, but Ivanovic was so incensed when told about the bets that he smiled brightly for the cameras every time he appeared on court. In 2004, George Bush and Tony Blair bet every single person in the world

that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. They were right, and Blair and Bush are highly revered and worshipped wherever they go, whereas the rest of us are deeply ashamed. Some might even say, crestfallen. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Tony. thank you tony and at the end of that round tony you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that in california it is illegal to raffle a dog

unless it's been castrated anyway that means tony you've scored one point in 18th century english gambling dens there was an employee whose only job was to swallow the dice if there was a raid by the constabulary. Presumably, it was retrieving the dice afterwards that inspired a new game. Craps. Okay, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Lucy recently observed that over the past couple of years, she's been pregnant for a total of 18 months, which I guess means she's now the mother of two young children or one baby elephant. Your subject, Lucy, is teeth,

hard, bone-like structures that grow in the mouth and are used for biting or chewing. Off you go, Lucy. Vlad the Impaler had all his teeth ripped out in front of his army and replaced them with dentures made from the teeth of his enemies. Mao Zedong never brushed his teeth. Tony. Well, we just know that Mao Zedong never brushed his teeth.

All of us in this room, we're amazed that you even bothered to put it in there. It's so true. But it is true, actually. Oh! As a result, his physician, Dr. Lee, said they were covered by a green patina. Mao justified his poor oral hygiene by comparing himself to a tiger,

an animal which doesn't brush its teeth either. You could pick a lot of animals there. But also doesn't eat sweets. Squirrels don't brush their teeth. Never seen a worm brush its teeth. Doesn't have any teeth. They've all fallen out due to decay and eating mud. And its own children and starting the First World War.

Take that, hippies. False teeth are often radioactive, meaning that if an old person bites you there's every chance you'll turn into a superhero whose special powers include boring people to death with photos of your grandchildren i'm gonna go with the fact that false teeth may be very slightly naturally radioactive yes you're right absolutely right um not the very modern sort of false teeth but porcelain dentures that we use i think until Yes, you're right. Absolutely right. Not the very modern sort of false teeth, but porcelain dentures that we used, I think, until about the 1970s or 80s, often contained naturally occurring radiation in potassium-40,

in addition to which manufacturers in the 1940s began to add uranium to the porcelain powder, believing that the fluorescence of the uranium helped to mimic the look of natural teeth however in addition to possible health problems uranium could also have the added disadvantage of fluorescing red violet or bright yellow under uv lights so disco teeth yeah it's always embarrassing if your disco teeth go off at a funeral you don't even know hippies and yet you go to funerals with UV lights.

When it came to handing out teeth to the animal kingdom, Mother Nature was not particularly fair. Unlike frogs, toads have no teeth. Snails have up to 750,000. Tony. Frogs have teeth. You are right. The fact is that unlike frogs, toads have no teeth. So frogs have teeth you are right the fact is that unlike frogs toads have no teeth so frogs

have teeth well done thank you the walrus walks on its teeth the southern flying squirrel uses its long incisors for balance when in the air and eastern tube nose bats have long lower teeth that they use to clean their noses leading their mum mummies to say, take that tooth out of there or you'll make it bleed. Ed. That last one, the bats cleaning themselves with their teeth. No. Lads, I suggest one of you buzz in on one of the others. I'll go for the walrus.

You're right, Alan. I should have just had that as well. Walruses walk on their teeth, they'll sort of drag themselves along on their teeth. And the walrus's walk on their teeth also drag themselves along on their teeth and the walrus's family name odo benedai comes from greek meaning one that walks with teeth any americans who think british teeth are terrible should see the 2009 world health organization survey which found we actually rank 21st in the world for oral health a full 15 places above the usa the country with the most dentally challenged residents is tajikistan or as the natives pronounce it tajikistan

ed i'll say that tajikistan came bottom of this list of most no there is there is no such data available right i'm told tony i'm going for us finishing above the Americans on the teeth we are worse than the Americans in dental decay so I'm afraid it rather conforms to their stereotype I was just trying to represent the UK a bit we're all feeling pretty good about ourselves after the Olympics and now you damn us with this

yeah the UK came below the Americans in that too I'm thoroughly depressed Yeah, the UK came below the Americans in that too, so... Don't need you to really bring it up. I'm thoroughly depressed. If I hadn't been for Ireland doing so shit, I wouldn't mind. That's because you stole all our athletes. That's the end of Lucy's lecture, and she has smuggled... I'm surprised I see only one truth past the rest

of the panel, which is that the Mediterranean umbrella snail has up to 750,000 teeth. These are on its radula, a minutely toothed ribbon found in mollusks. And that means, Lucy, you've scored one point. A walrus walks with its teeth. It uses its long tusks to pull itself out of the sea and to drag itself along on land. It is the only animal to do this, apart from Janet Street Porter. Next up is Ed Byrne. Ed has himself pointed out that his name is an anagram of Be Nerdy.

Quite apt, though not as appropriate as an anagram of David Mitchell, which works out as Cam-hid TV lid. Can I just point out that Tony Hawk's is an anagram of wanky tosh? Ed, your subject is tortoises and turtles, reptiles that live on both land and water and are characterised by a large shell into which they are able to retract their legs and head. Off you go, Ed.

If I had to pick just one fact to tell you about tortoises, that would be cheating. However, of all the tidbits of information that came up, the one that blows my mind the most is that 60 million years ago, tortoises were the size of Volkswagen Beetles. Imagine that. There were Volkswagen Beetles 60 million years ago, tortoises were the size of Volkswagen Beetles. Imagine that. They were Volkswagen Beetles 60 million years ago.

There is no need to confuse tortoises, turtles and terrapins as long as you remember... Charlie. Yeah, they were the size of Volkswagen Beetles. You're right, they were. Fossilised remains of the coal turtle were found in a mine in Colombiaumbia in 2005 and other similar sized animals were thought to have lived as recently as two and a half million years ago

tony the next thing he said was also true what was that there's no need to mix up turtles terrapins and things there's no need to i never i never do it i hadn't finished the sentence that They didn't finish the sentence. There is no need to confuse tortoises, turtles and terrapins as long as you remember. There's no need to. Well, you don't know, actually. There may be circumstances where there is a need to. For example, if you were in a farce,

the plot of which depended on a confusion between a tortoise, a terrapin and a turtle then it would be necessary that you confuse them night after night you may become quite embittered thinking, this isn't what I got into this business for, why do I need night after night to confuse tortoises, turtles, terrapins

etc, but I do I feel an idiot now that's true can't buzz in your own right that's also true there's no need to confuse tortoises turtles and terrapins as long as you remember the following simple rule turtles grow up from the ground while tortoises grow down from the ceiling. An interesting fact about the Fitzroy River tortoise in Australia is that when it's on land it breathes through its mouth but when it's in the water it breathes through its anus.

Lucy. Yeah I'm going to go that that is true. It does. The tortoise has adapted the ability for cloacal breathing, a process where water is drawn into and expelled from the tortoise's posterior opening in order to be able to breathe on the downstream sides of logs or rocks in the fast-flowing River Fitzroy in Queensland. It's very much a set of problems not everyone has. It's meant to solve them.

As a result, the Fitzroy tortoise is commonly referred to as the bottom or bum-breathing tortoise. The ancient Egyptians used to believe that eating tortoise eggs could aid fertility, bathing in tortoise blood could cure venereal disease, and rubbing mashed tortoise brains into your eyes could cure blindness. Tony. Okay, let's take our time on this one. Tony Okay, let's take our time on this one

I think the blood thing Cure them of venereal disease No Charlie I'll go for the eggs No Lucy Unlikely as it seems, I feel I should go for mashing them into their eyes to cure blindness then

You're right That's the one That's no way to win a point it mashed tortoise brains mixed with honey were believed to cure cataracts the roman physician galen was still promoting this cure in the second century a.d the sea turtle's heart rate can be anything from 40 beats a minute in warm water to once nearly every 10 minutes in cold water. Tony. Well, I'm coming in on this heartbeat thing. That is true.

Yes, well done. But it makes them very bad. In an episode of ER, you never saw a sea turtle because they'd go like, clear! We'll have to wait ten minutes. You know how people say when someone's heart stops, they say, I was actually illegally dead

for five minutes. It really annoys me. You're saying you've come back from the dead. No, what happened is you didn't die. You nearly died. David, David, stop hanging out with these hippies. Studies have shown that female turtles are more sexually active when they are

sad. I knew a girl like that once. I would show her footage of cute little hatchling sea turtles crawling into the sea for the first time and then tell her that a baby sea turtle's chance of surviving until adulthood is one in 10,000. Worked every time. Charlie? Yeah, I think there's chances a survival is one in 10,000. You're absolutely right. Yes. The many obstacles in their way mean that huge numbers of baby turtles

must hatch each year in order to maintain the population. But if a turtle does make it to maturity, it can live to 170 years of age. So, you know. Wow. And that's the end of Ed's lecture. Thank you, Ed.

And I'm afraid to say, Ed, that at the end of that round, you've smuggled no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored nought points. The Hindu god Vishnu's second incarnation was as a tortoise, not his proudest moment, living in a shoebox with Vishy written in Tippex on his shell. Now it's the turn of Charlie Hickson. When Charlie wrote his first book about a young James Bond,

he says he'd test the chapters out on his own kids, who greeted each new character with the words, kill him. And he's expecting a similar response from them to his next book, a biography of Simon Cowell. Your subject, Charlie, is the lemon, a yellow oval fruit known for its aromatic flesh and very sour juice. Off you go, Charlie. Yes, Swiss alchemist Adolfo Nazigold invented the lemon in 1356, after he had already invented the lemon squeezer and was desperate to find a use for it.

Luckily for Adolfo, word got around in the Middle Ages that if you accidentally swallowed a fish bone, lemon juice could dissolve it, giving rise to the custom of serving a slice of lemon with fish. At the Battle of Lepanto in 1571, the Turks ran out of ammunition and pelted their Christian enemy with fish. At the Battle of Lepanto in 1571, the Turks ran out of ammunition and pelted their Christian enemy with lemons. This gave rise to the Turkish saying,

if life gives you lemons, throw them at a Christian. Tony. They didn't say that, but they did run out of ammunition and they did throw lemons at their enemy. They did. Yes, well done. did run out of ammunition and they did throw lemons at their enemy they did yes well done yeah the the outnumbered ottoman fleet ran out of missiles and threw lemons and oranges at the holy league soldiers who in turn threw them back prompting scenes of hysterical laughter amid the carnage of the naval battle in traditional romanian weddings the groom enters the church

with a lemon under his chin. Rubbing a lemon under your arms is a traditional Puerto Rican treatment for a hangover. And, of course, the Greeks use lemons as money, as all the real money has run out. All right, then. The lemon in the armpit hangover traditional cure. It's true.

You're right. It is. Yes. Lemon in the armpit hangover traditional cure. It's true. You're right. It is, yeah. Yes. Limes are also used for this purpose,

as it's incorrectly believed that citrus fruit prevents sweating and so helps the body retain fluids and prevents headaches. Though in outer Mongolia, pickled sheep's eyes in tomato juice are the preferred hangover cure. Preferred by whom? the preferred hangover cure. Preferred by whom? In the 19th century, when people's throats were narrower,

the most... The most common cause of death was choking on lemon pips. So when Marvin Stone invented the drinking straw in 1888, he designed it to have a diameter just narrow enough to stop lemon pips being sucked up. Lucy? That's an ingenious thing. Yeah, good design in there. You're right. It's ingenious, it's true. Yeah. The lemon was recently voted the most popular fruit in the world. And as a result,

lemons are the most commonly mentioned fruit in song lyrics. Who can forget the German Eurovision Song Contest entry from 1983, Lemon Sweetheart, whose chorus went, Na-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na, cha-na-na-na, lemons. And what about Oranges and Lemons, the nursery rhyme about the traditional brothels of the old East End? Tony. Oranges and Lemons was a nursery rhyme about the brothels of the East End.

No, it isn't. But, no, listen, you don't realise how authoritatively I said that. I know you're rabidly anti-clerical, but it was, in fact, about the churches of London. What, are you saying a brothel can't have a bell? Time's up. Literally, I'm sitting in front of hundreds of people thinking about whether a brothel can have a bell. I don't think it's up to me. The ones I use have hooters.

Leaving aside the well-known first verse, did you know the song also features the lines pastries and seed buns, say the bells of St Stephen's, and pancakes and fritters, say the bells of St Peter's? Lucy. Yeah? What? Little-known verses.

Which one? Oh, God, seed cakes and whatever that was. Pastries and seed buns, say the bells of St Stephen's? Yeah. What? Little known verses. Which one? Oh, God. Seed cakes and whatever that was. Pastries and seed buns, say the bells at Stephen's? Yeah. Nope. Oh! That's not fair.

You gave him that one by saying, which one? St Peter's one and the fritters. That's... Yeah, you're right. You're about to buzz in. Yeah, I remember singing it. On his way to the brothel.

So I fancy a fritter. Keep my strength up before having sex with a prostitute. With a big prostitute bell. Ding, ding, ding. Time for more sex with a prostitute, says the bells of St. the Brothel. Honestly.

Honestly. You hippies. Oh, dear. Anyway, yes. Pancakes and fritters say the bells of St Peter's is a little-known rhyme from that song. Other forgotten lines include bullseyes and targets say the bells of St Margaret's, pokers and tongs say the bells of St John's,

and old father bald pate say the bells of St. Margaret's, Pokers and Tongs say the bells of St. John's, and Old Father Baldpate say the bells of Aldgate. Spice made of offal say the bells of this brothel. Sorry. But what about popular fiction? Has the lemon been more successful there? Well, what about the notorious lemon scene in Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. Wistie? Where Christian Beige

torments the unfortunate heroine with a particularly large and sour fruit in his lemon-yellow room of pain, until she utters the famous lines, OMG, the things he can do with that lemon. My dark places are all aflutter.

My belly is turning somersaults and my inner goddess is already making lemon meringue pie out of his dark desire. Holy hell, this is better than chocolate cake. There you go. Thank you, Charlie. And at the end of that round, Charlie, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that if you accidentally swallowed a fish bone,

lemon juice was believed in the Middle Ages to dissolve it, giving rise to the custom of serving a slice of lemon with fish. And that means, Charlie, you've scored one point. Thank you, Charlie. with fish. And that means, Charlie, you've scored one point. The Titanic was loaded with 16,000 lemons when she sank.

And for passengers who liked a gin and tonic, I believe ice was also available. Which brings us to the final score. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Ed Byrne. In joint second place with no

points each, making a total of no points, it's Tony Hawks and Lucy Porter. And in first place with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Charlie Higson.

And that's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naysmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Charlie Higson, Lucy Porter, Ed Byrne and Tony Hawks. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production at BBC Radio 4.