The Unbelievable Truth - 10x05 Tomatoes, Koalas, Boats, Cheese

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

10x05 28 January 2013 Lloyd Langford, Celia Pacquola, Phill Jupitus, Marcus Brigstocke Tomatoes, Koalas, Boats, Cheese

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight we're coming to you from the semi-independent kingdom of Scotland. Come for a day, stay for a lifetime, which locally is about 37 years. Tonight I'm joined by four of the funniest comedians in history, if the reviews on their Edinburgh Fringe posters are to be believed. Please welcome Phil Jupitus, Lloyd Langford, Celia Pakola and Marcus Brigstock. The rules are as follows.

Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Lloyd Langford.

At university, Lloyd studied film and television. But then what student doesn't? Lloyd, your subject is the tomato, described by my encyclopedia as a round, usually red, sharp-tasting fruit which is eaten cooked or raw as a savoury food. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. God invented tomatoes on the fifth day, but no one is sure if it was at the end of creating all the fruit or just before he started on the vegetables. In actual fact, the tomato is neither fruit nor vegetable

and is technically classed as a weapon. This can be seen in the formidable tomahawk. Quite literally, a cluster of tomatoes attached to a trained eagle. I think if you did do that, if you did attach a cluster of tomatoes to a trained eagle,

a tomahawk is what it would be called. I think it would be more likely to be called a tomah eagle. Oh, yeah. Because otherwise, what name have you got for when you attach the tomatoes to a hawk? The Latin name for the tomato is prunus avium, which translates as bringer of wet chins. The reason you often see people munching away at tomatoes

on long-haul flights and in the corners of pubs is because tomatoes contain nicotine and, unless this... Marcus. I believe that the tomato contains nicotine. What? It does indeed. Yes. Yes, yeah. I know this... Marcus. I believe that the tomato contains nicotine. What? It does indeed. Yes. Yes.

I know this... It's for that reason that I have a tomato patch that I wear. I enjoy a robust Cuban tomato myself. It is true the tomato contains a small amount of nicotine, although the levels decrease as the tomato ripens. Other foods which contain nicotine include aubergines, cauliflowers and potatoes, but it would take ten kilos of aubergine

to have the same content as a single cigarette. And it's worth every minute. So would tomatoes be carcinogenic, then? I mean, I think it's all alright on national radio for me to guess about this. I think the thing that's carcinogenic about cigarettes is largely the delivery mechanism.

The smoking rather than the moussaka. I thought you meant the news agent. Wow. In medicine, Lord Winston has recently suggested that the humble tomato could be successfully used by surgeons in the preparation of their sandwiches. The green grocer's tale in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales

revolves heavily around some bruised beefsteak toms, though in an order to win a bet, Shakespeare does not mention them at all in any of his plays, sonnets or numerous mashups. William Tell used to practice his archery by shooting tomatoes off his apprentices' heads. Celia. Well, you know, I know that obviously that story is with an apple, but maybe he practiced with tomatoes because the apples were really fancy and only for special archery occasions.

I mean, that's plausible. If he lived in an area where tomatoes were plentiful and apples were scarce. Exactly. You'd always hear stories about more apple thieves than tomato thieves, so in my head, apples are more valuable. I think the reason for the thieving disparity, though, is not because of the scarcity of one

and the plenty of the other, but because apples, because they're a fruit, just about count as pudding. Didn't we just confirm that tomatoes are a fruit? No, don't get me onto that. Tomatoes are a fruit according to scientists, but according to everyone else, including, let me tell you, the Supreme Court in the United States.

I didn't realise that. They are a vegetable. They are taxed as a vegetable in the United States. So I don't care what anyone tells me about the bloody seeds or whatever. Would you put one in a fruit salad? If not, then not a fruit. Are we too late for me to have picked up on a truth that I think Lloyd spoke? Depends when he spoke it. Well, it was about two hours ago now.

Probably. Well, I think, Lloyd, did you say shakespeare never mentioned the tomato in any of his writing well that is true yes but you did buzz quite late very late i think i intend to challenge alan davis from a previous show the shakespeare which you can't have a point for is true. He doesn't mention tomatoes at all. The first written discussion of the tomato in English is thought to be Gerard's Herbal, published in 1597, which stated that the tomato was poisonous. As a result, tomatoes were considered unfit for human consumption for about 150 years in Britain and North America.

They just saw the French, the Spanish, the Germans happily eating tomatoes and thought, those people are mad. The four main varieties of tomato are ripe, unripe, tiny and massively overpriced, with the stalk still on. Marcus? That's true. Effectively, it is true. I mean, those aren't the official classifications,

but then officially it's a fruit. So I think you should get the point. Oh, thank you very much. The world's tallest tomato plant reached a height of 65 feet and bankrupted the grower who was forced to build a 20-metre- high extension onto his greenhouse. Phil, let's have that. 65-foot tomato plant.

Highest ever. Bang on. Yes! And did Jack successfully climb it? Well, I don't know, but the plant was grown by Nutri Culture Limited in Lancashire in 2000, and it was grown hydroponically. It's worked for you with your hydroponic growing, hasn't it? Yes.

I was a very, very tiny man before I... I sat for several years with my feet in a liquid mineral nutrient solution and became broadly normal height. Well done. Yes. Unfortunately, my feet are now just a rotted remnant. So there's got to be a downside. Lloyd.

W.C. Fields circumvented an alcohol ban on the set of My Little Chickadee by putting tomatoes into his lunchbox that he had previously injected with vodka. Phil. Have it. No. Ah! Have not it. Ah, the quiz giveth and the quiz taketh it. No. Ah! Have not it. Oh, the quiz giveth and the quiz taketh away.

He also had olives injected with gin, which he called martini weenies. Tomatoes are poisonous to badgers and Adolf Hitler had a severe phobia of them. Marcus. I think that tomatoes are poisonous to badgers. They are not. No. What was the next thing you said after that? Adolf Hitler had a severe phobia of them.

Celia. Maybe. Who knows? What if that was the key the whole time? He had a funny way of showing it. If tomatoes were his problem, you know. know well you got pretty angry about it i was just thinking the next step would be to try and wipe out a race make me feel better about tomatoes and salads in general

say what you like about adolf hitler but as far as we know, he didn't have a problem with tomatoes. Lloyd. Heinz tomato ketchup actually has a speed limit. During the manufacturing process, if it's caught moving on its own at more than 0.028 miles per hour, it is rejected. Phil. Yeah, that's true. It is true. Yes, well done.

According to Heinz's own website, ketchup exits the iconic glass bottle at 0.028 miles per hour. However, if it pours unaided at more than 0.028 miles per hour, it is rejected for sale. Is there a guy that stands in front of a bottle with a speed gun?

Some American prisoners use ketchup as an ingredient in an illicit wine that is created by mixing it with fruit, sugar cubes and water, and then putting it into a bin bag and leaving it to fester for a week. This is how Ernst and Giulio Gallo started out. And many believe they've never forgotten their roots.

Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, one of which was smuggled only just, which is the Shakespeare never mentioning tomatoes. The second truth you smuggled is that some American prisoners use ketchup as an ingredient in an illicit wine created by mixing with fruit, sugar cubes and water and then putting them in a bin bag and leaving them to fester. This apparently produces a drink known as pruno and in some US prisons it causes so many discipline problems that fruit has been banned.

It tastes so putrid that even hardened prisoners hold their noses while they gulp it down. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored two points. their noses while they gulp it down. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored two points. The first genetically modified tomato was engineered at Nottingham University. It was a revolution in agriculture,

said the tomato. Pizza with tomato sauce is thought to offer protection against cancer. If you eat a large margarita pizza twice a day, you can avoid cancer by suffering a heart attack in your mid-40s. OK, we turn now to Celia Pakola. Being a female comedian from Australia,

Celia has been described by one critic as Adam Hills with ovaries. Though I'd go further and say, and one more leg. Celia recently appeared on the fantastic hit Australian television show The Unbelievable Truth. I know, it works on television. And yet here we are again in a small tent in Edinburgh. Your subject, Celia, is the koala, a slow-moving arboreal herbivore native to Australia

known for its dense grey fur, large ears and diet of eucalyptus leaves. Koalas are not marsupials. They are Ewoks from the forest moon of Endor. Since moving to Earth from Endor 500 years ago, koalas were actually originally native to England, but were sent to Australia in 1787 for crimes of pickpocketing and illegally impersonating a wig. They were sent on tiny, adorable convict ships

that were towed behind the First Fleet. Once in Australia, these notorious criminals flouted all the rules. They would hold bunga-bunga parties, get drunk, feed poo to their young and vomit on smaller animals. Marcus. I think that they do get drunk. I think that the eucalyptus makes them drunk. They don't get drunk.

No. Well, you obviously don't know the same koalas that I do. Koalas are masters of disguise. They can speak five languages and their fingerprints are almost identical... Phil. Fingerprints almost identical to humans. Blimey, you got in there before it even finished. How did you know that?

See, you could have said, I said fingerprints are almost identical to stairs. Let's see what she says. What are you going to say? Humans. Yeah, well done. Yeah. It is absolutely true that the fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans

so much so that they could actually be confused at a crime scene although the koala prints are only large enough to be the prints of toddler humans It's a great shame that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle didn't know this because what a wrinkle that would have been in one of Holmes' cases. No, Watson, it was the marsupial, Watson, darling. Holmes, you're drunk. Melbourne Koala Petting Zoo found itself struggling for business

until it rebranded itself as the Melbourne Koala Heavy Petting Zoo. However, you should never cuddle a koala because you'll find they have a smaller third ear hidden in their back fluff that is revolting. Lloyd. That sounds like it could be true. The third, the disgusting third

back fluff ear. The final frontier. Like, like. It isn't true. They've just got the two prominent ones on their head. Male koalas have three penises each, whereas the females have two vaginas because they're not great at maths and it's also where the phrase

three's a crowd comes from. Koala bears are liars, not even being bears, but most closely related to lizards. Lloyd. They're not bears. I think you know how much this is going to please me. But they're not bears.

Koala bears are not bears. They're marsupial mammals, meaning they have pouches in which to carry their young. So, can't be a bear with a pouch. That obvious bear with a pouch. Bears can't have pouches, we've decided. Oh, no. Give a tomato a pouch and it's a mammal.

Knowledge is knowing that a koala is not a bear. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad. Paddington had a pouch as well, didn't he? He had a duffel coat. Similar.

It's more of a hood. Where do you get a taste for marmalade in Peru? Do you know, I've always wanted to throw what I would refer to as a Peruvian dinner party and then only serve marmalade sandwich. Koalas are even more slothful than sloths, as was evident in the successor to the TV series Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, called Kippy the Koala,

which in a typical adventure, Kippy would snooze in a tree watching reruns of Skippy. Thank you, Celia. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that koalas feed poo to their young. They feed a special maternal faeces called pap to their newborns, which contain a bacteria needed in order to digest eucalyptus leaves.

Several mammals eat their own droppings. For example, rabbits, elephants and pandas. Second truth is that, like other marsupials, koalas have two vaginas. I knew there was some sort of extra orifice. Yeah, they... But male koalas have forked penises. And the third truth...

Ooh, good at a buffet. OK. koalas have forked penises. And the third truth... Good at a buffet. And the third truth is that koalas are even more slothful than sloths, and are asleep for between 18 and 22 hours a day, whereas sloths in the wild sleep only for 10 hours a day.

It's basically the same as a student. And that means, Celia, you've scored three points. Next up is Phil Jupitus. Your subject, Phil, is boats, vessels enabling the transport of people or goods by water, commonly propelled by oars, sails or motor. Off you go, Phil. The land speed record for a sailing dinghy is five miles an hour, towed by

a Vauxhall Nova all the way down the A30 to Penzance. Uruguayan sailors once killed two Argentinians with stale cheese, which is not quite as bad as actually performing a Brazilian with hot cheese. Marcus.

Yes, I can imagine that some people were killed with stale cheese. They were indeed. Yes, I can imagine that some people were killed with stale cheese. They were indeed. Yes. They were fired instead of cannonballs. This was during a war in the 1840s, and the Uruguayans ran out of cannonballs, so they fired these stale cheeses.

They were called garotza, and they were like a harder South American version of edam, and it sort of vaguely worked to slightly crap cannonballs. I once winged a brigand on the grass market using a small trebuchet and a baby bell. The word anchor is rhyming slang derived from the word banker because of the desire to put heavy chains on one and throw it into the sea.

Canvas is derived from cannabis. Marcus. Yes, I think canvas is probably derived from cannabis, because I think they made the sales from hemp. You're absolutely right. It is, because they did. Yeah. Man the

lifeboats is the naval command to hold back the women and children until all the men are safely aboard. In the 16th century it was the custom to tattoo marine charts onto the backs of the biggest members of the crew, a system known as Tatnav. Absent-minded sailors would have a pig tattooed on one foot and a chicken on the other to remind them what to order for breakfast. Indeed budgetary constraints were such that before long voyages most sailors would have to forge their own ship's Celia. Maybe they had to forge their own anchors? That's probably not.

They wouldn't probably have fires to forge things on boats, would they? No, they didn't have to make their own anchors. I think they had to make their own carton line tails before getting whipped with it. You're right. They did, yeah. You were. Yeah, during the Napoleonic Wars, the condemned sailor would make the whip during the 24 hours spent in leg irons.

Although they're the least superstitious or gullible souls on the planet, some sailors believe that dead starfish were actual fallen stars, that barnacles were goose eggs, and dolphins were gay sharks. Thank you, Phil. And at the end of that round, Phil, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first one was that it was traditional for sailors to have a pig tattooed on one foot and a chicken on the other. It was thought that this would save the sailor from drowning because pigs and chickens were frequently reported as the only survivors of shipwrecks although the other possible reason for their survival is that they were transported in wooden crates which would basically float

the second truth is that sailors thought barnacles were goose eggs because no one ever saw a migratory goose mate or lay an egg. It was believed that geese hatched from barnacles at the same time they arrived from the Arctic. This is possibly because the crustacean's feathery stalks resemble goose down. And to this day, we still have species called barnacle geese and the goose barnacle.

That's a genuine interesting, if mirthless fact. And that means, Phil, you've scored two points. The first man to captain a voyage round the world was Ferdinand Magellan. Near the end of the voyage, he and his crew ran out of food and had to eat the leather that held the sails to the mast. For those who couldn't eat the leather, there was, of course, a vegetarian option.

Die. Now it's the turn of Marcus Brigstock. Marcus is a prominent activist on the environment and has campaigned for the Green Party, handing out leaflets and showing residents the right bin to put them in. Your subject, Marcus, is cheese, a solid food prepared from the pressed curd of milk, which is often seasoned and aged. Off you go, Marcus, is cheese, a solid food prepared from the pressed curd of milk, which is often seasoned and aged. Off you go, Marcus.

Cheese. There is no mammal whose milk has not been turned into cheese at some time or another. Those French. The Spanish eat cheese from donkeys. Chihuahua cheese is popular in Mexico. Celia. I think perhaps the Spanish eat cheese from donkeys. Someone inahua cheese is popular in Mexico. Celia? I think perhaps the Spanish eat cheese from donkeys.

Yep. Someone in the audience thinks they do. Yeah. Are you Spanish? Whatever it was you were having in Spain, it was not donkey cheese. No, the Spanish do not eat donkey cheese. There is a cheese made from donkey milk, but it's not from Spain. It's from the Balkans.

It's called pule. Sounds delicious. It sounds delicious, and it's the world's most expensive cheese at a cost of 1,000 euros per kilogram. Chihuahua cheese is popular in Mexico, and in America they even eat cheese made from a cottage. In 1982, the junior minister for Agriculture and Farming, Tony Pearce, drafted a white paper

suggesting that under properly supervised conditions, women in the UK could be farmed to make lady cheese. Phil, I simply want that to be true. Well, I do know that there was a shop, I don't know if you remember this, it might have been a few years ago, when a fancy ice cream shop had a breast milk ice cream that was on sale. So I don't know if cheese is such a leap from that.

It's not true, that. But it is true about the breast milk ice cream. Yeah. Because I was on a TV show. It was like an end-of-a-year quiz show, and they brought some round. How was it? Do you know what it tasted like? Normal ice cream. They'd have more fun selling it

if you just got a lady to lean into a fridge for ten minutes. Five minutes aside, strawberry vanilla. But no, sadly, there's no lady cheese. No. Oh, that's what I'm going to call my band. Piers was later arrested in Holland for encasing a lady's breasts in bright red wax. Frenchman Pierre Gouffoumet

claims he can identify over 800 cheeses just from their smell and once mistakenly identified race pundit John McCririck as an overripe camembert. Cheese has always played its part in the rituals of life. In Brazil, there's the cheesing of the bride. In Switzerland, they celebrate their famous

absence of morality with fondue Wednesday. Here, it used to be the custom to pass a newly born child through the rind of a cheese and the death of a dignitary... Lloyd. Something about pushing a baby through a bigind of a cheese and the death of a dignitary... Lloyd. Something about pushing a baby through a big bit of cheese. You're absolutely right.

Yes. What a horrible way to enter the world. In medieval England, which is basically a horrible place, expectant mothers made a large wheel of cheese that was left to mature for nine months. This groaning cheese would be shared out amongst family when the child was born, leaving only the outer rind through which the baby would be passed on its christening day in order to bring it a long and prosperous life. It clearly worked.

Some of them made it to nearly 20. The death of a dignitary in the Czech Republic is marked with their Prime Minister donning his Gouda helmet and performing the milk dance. Cheese has led to some horrific crimes through history. An Argentinian man was found

hiding 14 Peruvian children and a stolen tractor inside a hollowed-out manchego. A Parisian grocer stabbed his wife with a wedge of hard cheese. Lloyd. I think a Parisian grocer stabbed his wife with a wedge of hard cheese. You're right. I also think so. Yay! Yeah.

Otello Frederici used a wedge of frozen Parmesan cheese to stab his wife in 1976. Do you reckon that was a, oh, I've got to find something to stab, or hard cheese? Or do you reckon that was a planned sort of, you know what I'll do, they'll never catch me if I use frozen cheese? He killed her, but like Schwarzenegger, and then when he stabbed her, went, hard cheese. Either way, I mean, it's a truly horrific waste of Parmesan.

That takes 24 months to mature. The Romans were deeply suspicious of cheese, believing that it was capable of overthrowing their empire. This led to the famous public execution of the cheeses of Nazareth. Five. Give me five. Boom. Cheese rolling in Gloucestershire first came about when a clumsy boy dropped a baby bell out of his backpack

and around 30 drunken locals gave chase, believing it was an incarnation of the devil. Having tasted it, they agreed that their suspicions were mainly correct. In Wisconsin, apple pie always has to be served with a hunk of cheese. In Denmark, the Danes have been known to use cheese as a form of currency, and to this day, Sandy Toksvig is paid by the BBC in Dairy Lee Triangles. The world's most expensive cheese comes from Tunisia and is made from the milk of a single gerbil called Lachme.

The milk costs around £800 a kilo and is said to taste like koala. Thank you, Marcus. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that chihuahua cheese is popular in Mexico, but it's actually a cow's milk cheese named after the Mexican state of chihuahua, after which I imagine the pathetic dog is also named. The second truth is that between June 1935 and March 1937, it was a legal requirement in Wisconsin

to serve cheese and butter with every meal in a restaurant, no matter what was ordered. So that means apple pie always had to be served with a hunk of cheese, is the truth there. And the third truth is that the Danes have been known to use cheese as a form of currency. It's been documented as a form of payment for church taxes in Denmark as far back as 1232. And that means, Marcus, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Celia Pakola. In third place, with minus two points, it's Lloyd Langford. In second place, with no points, it's Phil Jupitus. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Marcus Brigstocke. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Celia Pakola, Lloyd Langford, Phil Jupiters and Marcus Brigstom. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.