The Unbelievable Truth - 10x06 Simon Cowell, Beards, Camels, Germany

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

10x06 4 February 2013 Arthur Smith, Henning Wehn, Holly Walsh, John Finnemore Simon Cowell, Beards, Camels, Germany

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Some fans of this show occasionally ask me what my dream line-up of guests would be. Well, I did actually once dream that we had this very line-up, then woke up soaked in sweat and urine. But please welcome Arthur Smith, Holly Walsh, John Finnemore and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Arthur Smith. Arthur sometimes performs the songs of Leonard Cohen.

Indeed, one audience found the show so authentic, they held cigarette lighters in the air, doused themselves in petrol and ended it all. Arthur, your subject is Simon Cowell, the British music producer, TV personality and creator of The X Factor, known for his high-waisted trousers and outspoken judging comments on various television talent shows. Off you go, Arthur.

Simon Cowell was born in St Neots, Cambridgeshire in 1957, the son of a dishwasher and a sunbed Penny Was he born in St Neots? No, he was born in Lambeth John Was he though the son of a dishwasher? No, because it's a job, isn't it?

It is a job, but he wasn't, no His father was an estate agent and developer, and his mother was a dancer. According to his birth certificate, Simon Cowell's full name is The Simon Cowell. As a toddler, Simon would find himself playing snooker with Spencer Tracy, or sitting on Bette Davis's knee

as she learned her lines for whatever happened to baby jane in fact the five-year-old simon did her makeup for that picture at the age of 11 simon shocked his family by breaking into a neighbor's house and stealing her hair straighteners then just a year later sim Simon was arrested for hijacking a bus at gunpoint. Well, that sounds very unlikely, was there, at gunpoint. So did he nick the hair straighteners? No, he didn't. No?

No, he didn't. What were the things before that again, Arthur? I would like to sleep with Simon Cowell. Holly. I really hope that's true. I would like to sleep with Simon Cowell. Holly. I really hope that's true. Because that would be the funniest combination of two people sleeping together I could think of. As far as I know, Arthur wouldn't like to sleep with Simon Cowell

unless he's changed his mind. I haven't changed my mind since I wrote that sentence down, nor if I ever do change my mind on that one, please take me away and bury me. Yeah, but you've obviously thought about it, and that's most of the way there. Ah, Gemma, yeah. Simon's early efforts to become a star were sadly to fail.

A brief singing career ended when he was fired from, as they were then known, Simon and Simon and Garfunkel. Eventually, Simon ran away to join the circus. As luck would have it, it was a hamster circus. Immediately, he fell in love with the furry Muppets and soon had a stable of 18 hamsters which he taught to do tricks. There was Horace, the high wire hamster, Giuseppe, the juggling hamster, and

Sir Frederick, the fire-eating hamster. In fact, he got through 14 Sir Fredericks before the RSPCA closed the act. John, part of me wonders whether, as a boy, he had 18 hamsters. He did have 18 The RSPCA closed the act. John. Part of me wonders whether, as a boy, he had 18 hamsters. He did have 18 hamsters.

Well done. Yes, according to The Sun, Simon Cowell loves hamsters, saying he used to own 18 and taught them tricks. Simon found himself out on the street again, living rough and shouting abuse at strangers. As luck would have it, he was spotted by a TV producer who was looking for someone

to shout abuse at strangers. And the rest is history. Has success spoiled Simon Cowell? Well, his fiancée, Cheryl Cole, says Simon is a man of simple tastes. If he were a castaway on a desert island, his luxury item would be a mirror.

John. Is that something Cheryl Cole said about him? It's not something Cheryl Cole said about him, but... Oh, but it was his choice. Yes, he said it on Desert Island Discs. Without a mirror, he would miss himself. Is he self-ironic there? Is he...? No.

That is Simon Cowell's self-ironic. That's one of the biggest philosophical questions. I feel sad for the man. I think on one level he is saying that in a self-aware way, but on another level he is a colossal preening megalomaniac. In 2007, Simon Cowell was offered £1 million to become the face of Viagra. The campaign was to feature a photo of Simon

with his big trousers pulled up to his nipples with the caption, Simon has the X Factor in his pants. Holly. I can imagine that is true. The Viagra offered to be the face of Viagra. Although I'm not sure the face of Viagra is what they're looking for.

The excitable, one-eyed face of Viagra. Yes, you're right. In 2007, he was offered a million pounds to become the face of Viagra. Well done. But people are wrong to assume that Simon's earnings are enormous. In fact, in a typical year, his tax bill will be no more than 800 pounds. Thank you, Arthur.

And at the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that as a child, Simon Cowell sat on Betty Davis's knee as she learned her lines. The Cowells lived in Elstree next door to the Chantry in Barnet Lane, which was rented by Elstree Studios to house their transitory stars. Betty Davis stayed there while filming The Nanny in 1965, which would have been when Simon Cowell was a small boy. And the second truth is that when he was 12, Simon Cowell hijacked a bus in Shenley Road, Boreham Wood.

He held a toy pea gun to a bus driver's head and demanded it to be driven to Watford. Thinking it was a real gun, the nervous driver drove straight to Watford, where Simon was a real gun, the nervous driver drove straight to Watford where Simon was met by a barrage of police and taken to Scotland Yard for questioning. Cowell recalled that dealing with his angry mother afterwards was far worse than the police.

What an excellent anecdote about the little psychopath. And Arthur, that means you've scored two points. One of Simon Cowell's favorite desserts is butterscotch angel delight. Utterly artificial, devoid of goodness and liable to make you sick, Simon Cowell lives in Los Angeles. Okay, we turn now to Henning Vane. Your subject, Henning, is the beard. Typically the growth of hair on the chin and lower cheeks of an adult man, as well as on mammals, such as the lion or goat. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Henning. Beards were invented by Jesus.

What now? Seriously? Seriously. But no, seriously. In ancient Greece, the brides in Argos were all wearing fake beards on their wedding night so that their husbands, who had until that point only enjoyed man-on-man love, could be eased into the whole woman thing. Holly. I think they might have worn beards on their wedding night

you're right they did yes a bride from argos would wear i mean it's the word has changed hasn't it a bride from arggos would wear a beard on her wedding night in order to emphasise her lack of inferiority to her husband. Where's Argos then? I mean Downwood Green High Street. It's, yeah, I mean, also, it's in ancient Greece. Queen Elizabeth

forced the Duke of York to lose his face furniture. Arthur. Well, she did. No, she didn't. She didn't. No. Can she also forbade Charles and Philip? Edward was allowed to keep his beard, whose name is Countess Sophie of Wessex. The current Queen's anti-beard policies are less militant than those of Elizabeth I, who hated beards so much that she put a tax on them. John? I think she imposed a beard tax. No, it was Henry VIII. No, you're right. She did impose a beard tax. And in fact, you're doubly right. So prepare to be smug in that she was...

I always am prepared to be smug. She reintroduced the beard tax that her father, Henry VIII, had started in 1535. Only on Radio 4 would that get a round of applause. There are some massive fans of Tudor taxation. Sir Walter Riley paid £5,000 in beer tax before moving his beard offshore. And Sheridan, the best-paid comedian of the day,

managed to pay just two shillings in beer tax through a convoluted Jersey-based avoidance scheme, something he later called an error of judgment. But no one played the system better than composer Frédéric Chopin. He worked out that he is seen only in profile when playing the piano. Hence, he performed with a beard on only one side of his face. In other parts of Europe, you needed a full beard

to get anywhere in society. History relates that the town of Herdenberg in Sweden elected its mayor by putting their beards on a table and seeing which one allows selected to live in. The town has been governed by Father Christmas since the Middle Ages. Holly. That sounds like it could be a true way of choosing a governor or whatever. Mayor. Yes, that's absolutely true. History relates that the townsfolk of Herdenburg elected their mayors in

this way. Wow, that's a great game. Billy goats sometimes sting because they get randy and urinate in their own beards. You know that a billy goat is ready to have sex when its beard stings of wee-wee. The same can be said of Russell Brand. Holly. I think its beard might stink or something like that.

Yes, that is true. Male goats... APPLAUSE Male goats reach sexual maturity in just four months and urinate onto their stomachs, legs and beards so their scent can advertise their dominant status to females. Anyway, that was the end of Henning's lecture. And at the end of that round,

Henning, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that composer Frédéric Chopin wore a beard on only the right half of his face, saying that when he performed at the piano, the other side of his face didn't matter since the audience saw only one side. It's thought that Chopin's many health problems were the reason he was unable to grow a full and even beard. So there's a sad side to it. And that means, Henning, you've scored one point. A girl from Puerto Rico with a dark beard and hair all over her body was billed in a travelling show as Priscilla the Monkey Girl. In 1938, she married a scaly-skinned performer

called the Alligator Boy, and for many years they were promoted as the world's strangest married couple. Until Paul Daniels met Debbie McGee. Next up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is camels, quadruped ruminant mammals known for their long necks and humped backs used for transporting goods and people in desert regions off you go holly the camel is the most crossbred of all the animals a cross between a camel and a horse is a horse a camel and an alpaca is a camelaca and a camel and a llama is a camera as mentioned in the boy george song come a, Come a, Come a, Come a, Come a Chameleon. John. I will go with the camel and the alpaca.

No. No, that's not true. No, I'm going to stick. Camel racing is officially the sixth most dangerous sport in the world, ranking between bullfighting and lacrosse. And camel jockeys are regularly stuck to their mounts with Velcro to stop them falling off.

Henny. Well, they do silly lists about everything, so maybe camel racing is the sixth most dangerous sport in the world. No, that's ice hockey. Camel racers in the United Arab Emirates have even started using robot riders in the place of usual jockeys. These robots have become so popular that one of the most famous robots, Maktoum, has even appeared on the UAE version of A Question of Sport.

In Eritrea, instead of the tooth fairy, the character of Malik the camel is supposed to visit during the night with the gift of a dried date. I don't know if it's true, but I really hope it is. What, the Eritrean tooth camel? Yeah. I'll just think of, the Eritrean tooth camel? Yeah. I'll just think of a little Eritrean

kid lying there in the dark night, and then a big camel comes in with 50p. Be lovely. Yeah. I think the child would probably, at quite an early age, start to be confronted by the logistical issues.

With a fairy, you can sort of, I imagine a fairy in the sleep, sort of flying in, getting my tooth done, but a camel? It's not true. I remember reading something about camel racing, and it might have been that they're using robots. Oh, you've had a long think, haven't you? That was some time ago, Benning, but I think I'm going to allow it. Yes, yeah.

Yes, it's true that camel racers in the United Arab Emirates have started using robot riders in the place of the usual jockeys. That's got to be the answer to what do you get the man who has everything? A, robot camel rider. The man who's got? A, robot camel rider. The man who's got everything has already got one. You have that lazy racing you hit against. I think the man who has everything would say,

don't worry, don't get me anything, I've got it. Maybe the problem is if there's one item he has got twice, and then he thinks, oh dear, now I have to have everything twice. Henning is confusing the man who has everything with the man who has one of everything. And what you get for the man who has one of everything is more cutlery. So the man who's got everything... The man who's got everything has got all of us here,

this building. Yeah. Well, he's God, really. He's got nothing as well, though. Oh! You've blown my mind. It's like the moral maze. I didn't expect us to found a religion during this.

Let's remember all this and meet here again. Tomorrow, everyone bring some poison. Holly. The dominant male camel is called a prat, a pregnant camel is called a git, and a young camel is called a sod. Now, one of those three are those names. Yeah, statistically, one in three of those facts is true.

What have we got? We've got sod... Pratt gets sod. Pratt gets sod. Pratt gets sod. Pratt gets sod. If we make a pact that we'll each go for one, then we'll get it. You go, I'll go for Pratt. No, that's not... This is ridiculous. You're all going for one.

You're running at the guns in the knowledge that two-thirds of you will fall. This is... That is what made our respective countries great. Okay. So, Arthur, what... I'm going for prat. John, I will go for git. And I'll have sod.

John, you get the point. It's git. The word git comes from the Arabic for pregnant camel And was picked up by British servicemen in Egypt During the Second World War Camel urine is thick and syrupy For this reason it is used by Native Americans As a form of squash, diluted with water And given to children

The two camels in Whipsnade Zoo Are called Elton and John After he visited the zoo with David Furnish and their baby son, Zach. Headache. Yeah, that I can easily imagine, that the two camels would be called Elton and John if he came by and had it. Well, what would they have told before they turned up there? Maybe they were new and they didn't have a name just yet.

Reginald and Dwight? Maybe, yeah. Maybe some git had only just given birth to them. But no, that's not true. Elton was so taken with the camels that he serenaded them with the famous song Camel in the Wind. Thank you, Holly. And at the end of that round, Holly,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel which are that a camel and a llama crossbreed is called a camera that it's a common practice in abu dhabi and the united arab emirates to fix jockeys to their mounts with velcro camel riding is very dangerous and without velcro or rope to secure them, jockeys can easily slip off, break bones and in some cases even be dragged to death. Child jockeys were traditionally preferred, not just because they're light, but also because their high-pitched screams are said to encourage the camels to run. And the third truth is that camel urine is thick and syrupy. Camel's dung is so dry it's used to fuel fires and line babies' nappies. And during the North Africa campaigns in World War II,

German soldiers discovered that eating fresh camel dung could cure dysentery. It's counterintuitive, to say the least. I want to know how many other things they ate before they ate the camel dung. And how many of them gave them dysentery. My dad was in Al-Alamin in 1942. Get off it! How can your father have fought in the war? How old are you, 80? Well, do the math, baby.

Yeah, but let's do it then. When was he born? This is not the time to help Henning with his attempt to make a complete list of the Eight, baby. Yeah, let's do it. Then when was he born? This is not the time to help Henning with his attempt to make a complete list of the Eighth Army. Anyway, Holly, that means you scored three points. Now it's the turn of John Finnemore. John attended the Dolphin School in Berkshire.

He had to jump through hoops to get in. John, your subject is Germany. What? A federal parliamentary republic, which is one of the major political and economic powers of the European continent. Off you go, John. of the European continent. Off you go, John. Deutschland. Natürlich. Werde von Jesus in Funden.

I'm sorry, I assumed we all spoke German. I don't know why we don't. Everybody loves the Germans. Who can help adoring these charming, romantic, disorganised vegetarian teetotalers? The excellence of their cuisine outshone only by their irresistibly impish sense of fun. There's already been 10-15 truth in there already. Yet oddly, your buzzer remains silent.

When polled, a startling 100% of all other Europeans admitted they would rather be German and secretly wished the Germans could be persuaded to do something to make that dream a reality. And who can blame them? Henning. That is true, isn't it? I'm not sure if it's quite 100%. And who can blame them?

Germany has the highest standard of living in Europe. Arthur. Oh, no, maybe it's Sweden or something, isn't it? But it could be Germany has the highest standard of living. No, it's Luxembourg. Is it? Yeah. There's only two people there.

Yeah, they have a lovely time. It also has the highest average IQ, the best football team, and in a survey by the respected scientific journal Clio magazine, German men were rated the world's best lovers. Holly. I think the IQ thing is true. The IQ thing is true. What are Germans

like as lovers, Henning? Well, you have to ask the missus, obviously, but I think we got there with a proper plan. It's no dilly-dallying or anything. It is not true that Clear Magazine said that German men were the best lovers. It said that German men were the world's worst lovers. But that the second worst were the British.

But yes, Germany has the highest average IQ in Europe at 10 107 the serbs have the lowest with an average of 89 britain is in the middle with 100 this is some sort of racism surely no it's just the average iq of various nations also after they have got the explanation why i'm not in germany my iq isn't high enough so so over here, rip-roaring success, but... In Germany, I would not only not be on the radio, they wouldn't even let me listen to radio. John? Without Germany, we wouldn't have the steam engine, the television, cricket, obviously, or the garden gnome.

And, of course, Germany was the birthplace of cultural icons such as Gustav Mahler, Franz Kafka, David Hasselhoff and Engelbert Humperdinck. Holly. Humperdinck. Yes. Yes. Engelbert Humperdinck, the 19th century composer known for his opera Hansel and Gretel, was born in Germany.

Engelbert Humperdinck, the singer, was born in Madras, India. Hasselhoff has been adopted by the Germans, right? No, he made a worldwide career out of allegedly being famous in Germany. John. But it's not all good news, and painful though this is, it would be disingenuous of me not to mention the most famous German of them all, the politician and war leader, King William Frederick I of Prussia. William Frederick assembled a regiment of giants, composed of the tallest men from all over the country. Henning. That's true.

It is true, yes. Yes, William Frederick is said to have collected tall men for his army like stamps establishing an elite regiment of outsized grenadiers that became known as the potsdam giants no member of the unit stood less than six feet tall and many were closer to seven one medical historian described them as the tallest men ever assembled until the birth of professional basketball apart from william frederick though german history is an unbroken chronicle of peace tranquility and men ever assembled until the birth of professional basketball. Apart from William Frederick, though, German history is an unbroken chronicle of peace, tranquility, and keeping themselves to themselves. They did reluctantly take part in the First World War, but in order to ensure they didn't

accidentally enjoy it, German soldiers would deliberately place sharp stones in their boots, wore uniforms made of stinging nettlestles and periodically shouted across the trenches, we're not enjoying this, you know. Teddy. Well, I think it is fair to say Germany joined World War I only very reluctantly. I think, I mean, I would say most people in Germany wouldn't have wanted the First World War. But the German government, I think, sort of... We'll have to look through the... Invaded Belgium, I think is the expression.

We'll have to look... The thing is, Belgium, I think is the expression. We'll have to look... The thing is, that's exactly how we felt about the Olympics. But everybody did get on board once it started. That's true. Yeah. In 1939, Frau Jutta Ochs grew a pumpkin the size of a cartwheel, hollowed it out and lived in it for five days. That was literally the only notable thing any German did in the 30s or 40s.

But inefficient, disorganised and hopeless with money or technology as they are, there's one thing we can all agree about the Germans. The world would be a much better place if they were in charge. Thank you, John. thank you john and at the end of that round john you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel which are that garden gnomes were invented in germany and the second truth is that during world war one some german uniforms were made out of nettles. Captured German uniforms were found to be 85% nettle fibre. And that means, John, you've scored two points.

Well done. Per capita sales of board games in Germany are higher than anywhere else in the world. Not sure what the most popular is, but I'm guessing risk is a front-runner. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place with minus four points, we have

Arthur Smith. In third place with minus three points, it's Henning Vein. In second place with two points, it's John Finnemore. And in first place with an unassailable six points

it's this week's winner Holly Walsh and that's about it for this week, goodbye The Unbelievable Truth is devised by John Nesby and Graham Darden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists

John Finnemore, Arthur Smith, Holly Walsh and Henning Bain. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.