The Unbelievable Truth - 11x02 Moles, Cabbages, Trains, BBC

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

11x02 15 April 2013 Rhod Gilbert, Richard Osman, Lucy Beaumont, John Finnemore Moles, Cabbages, Trains, BBC

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. Tonight I'm joined by the funniest quartet since Little Mix attempted to sing without autotune. Please welcome John Finnemore, Lucy Beaumont, Richard Osman and Rod Gilbert. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies.

Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Rod Gilbert. Rod, your subject is moles, described by my encyclopedia as small burrowing mammals with dark velvety fur, long muzzles, and very small eyes, which feed mainly on worms, grubs, and other invertebrates. Off you go, Rod. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Moles. Moles live everywhere, excluding the Republic of Ireland, Belgium, the Isle of Skye, Poland,

China, North America, Canada and North Wales. Eating is a social activity for moles who do not eat alone and prepare a table at mealtimes. Richard. Let's say they don't eat alone. The mole likes an accomplice. No, I think you're thinking of that story where the mole likes to eat with a rat.

Moles perfectly happy to eat alone. Moles are born and remain blind, but keep the highest hygiene standards of any animal at mealtimes. However, wartime rationing forced many moles to skip lunch, going from their traditional breakfast time of 8am to their evening meal at 8pm without so much as a snack.

This was anathema to moles for whom going without food for such a long time is simply intolerable. Lucy. Are they blind? They're not blind, no. They can either see a bit or they can see perfectly well. Or somewhere in between. The ones that can't see well would eat together,

because it makes it easier, I think. Is that not right? I'm not saying moles have never eaten together. Just that they don't refuse to eat alone. That one that eats with a rat has very thick-rimmed spectacles, doesn't he? Yes, which he'd hardly have if he was blind. Partially blind. Certainly some of them are partially blind, but they're also partially not blind. Partially blind. Certainly some of them are partially blind,

but they're also partially not blind. And if we take blindness to be an absolute, then they're not blind. OK. I mean, I'm partially blind. I can't see that way. For listeners at home, Mr Mitchell pointed behind him. Thank you.

And if you're listening at home and you couldn't see that, don't worry, this is the radio, you're not blind. During the Spanish Civil War, ladies sewed moles' ears together to make moleskin testicle warmers for their husbands. This practice was encouraged, as soldiers wearing the warmers could remain at the freezing front lines for longer. Propaganda posters proclaimed, a moleskin nut pouch a day keeps the enemy at bay.

Richard. I wonder if soldiers did wear moleskin nut pouches. How, um... I was hoping you would. Have you contemplated on this much in the past or just today? Well, all I'm saying is that everyone here will tell you it is actually quite chilly in this studio, but not for me. No, I'm afraid soldiers don't.

In May of the same year, a group of moles banded together and formed a company exporting counterfeit moleskin testicle warmers. In a case echoing recent news events, the rogue testicle warmers were found to be horse's ears. Another gang of moles were sentenced to death for aggravated burglary of crops and another gang sentenced to hard labour for damaging military equipment.

John. I think that a gang of moles were sentenced to death for damaging military equipment. Oh, I think that too. Richard. I think that too. Well, you're both wrong. Oh.

Yeah, in Stelvio in italy in 1519 a warrant was issued for the arrest of a group of moles after crops had been damaged when the moles failed to appear in court on the specified date they were sentenced to exile so you wouldn't sentence a mole to death for damaging crops just exile so it's so practical, exiling moles. You can just do it like that, and how do they get back in? Dig? Moles played a key role in World War I. After repeated damage to their tunnels by German trenches along the Western Front,

the final straw for moles came during the famous Christmas football match in No Man's Land in 1914, where the Germans used molehills for goalposts. The moles who had built these hills, the goal moles, as they became known, were affronted and joined the Allied forces. These goal moles worked for the French resistance, spying on enemy positions. Essentially acting as moles,

the goal moles became known as goal mole moles. Based in the eastern French town of Dole, the goal mole moles of Dole's fame grew. But with the end of the war, they were no longer needed, and many found themselves... unemployed. Thanks to their pivotal role in the war, however, it is forbidden to kill moles in France, Belgium and Germany. Rich. Yeah, probably not due to their pivotal role, but, it is forbidden to kill moles in France, Belgium and Germany. Rich. Yeah, probably not due to their pivotal role,

but perhaps it is illegal to kill them. I would say it's illegal in Germany. Yes, of course you would, obviously. Bound to be. Things are more likely to be illegal in Germany, aren't they? And you're absolutely right. Is that one? Is that one fact on the last word of my lecture?

I'm so close. And, Rod, yes, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. One of the truths is the moles that were exiled that I referred to earlier. Another is that a group of moles is known as a company. That was extremely deftly smuggled through by Ron. I don't remember that at all. Well, exactly. He said that very quickly.

He said that in his secrets. They formed a company exporting. I ran across into exporting very quickly. Yeah, that was harsh. Look, I'm not saying I like to see the game played that way. But it is allowed. A third truth is that moles find going without food for eight hours intolerable and in fact if a mole goes without food for eight hours it will die so yeah if you don't have

regular meals as a mole you're dead um which is good advice for anyone thinking of becoming a mole and the fourth truth is that there are no moles in the Republic of Ireland, or indeed in Ireland at all. In 1998, B&Q had to withdraw sonic mole repellers from their Northern Irish stores after admitting that the devices were useless. And that means, Rob, that you've scored four points. Okay, we turn've scored four points. OK, we turn now to Richard Osman. Richard is a regular on the daytime quiz show Pointless, which, of course, you'll all know if you're a student, unemployed or housebound.

Your subject, Richard, is the cabbage, a hard, round vegetable typically consisting of a short stem and tightly overlapping green or purple leaves. Off you go, Richard. The cabbage is actually a type of rose, though, as it turns out, most women do not want to hear this on Valentine's Day. I would like to take this opportunity to say sorry, Sarah.

Rod. I reckon it is a type of rose. No. It's not, is it? No, it's not. I think it's a vegetable. But the cabbage is full of surprises. Sauerkraut, which of course tastes as good as it sounds,

has been proven in clinical trials to improve sexual function as effectively as Viagra. However, these trials were not extensive, so please don't rely on it working. And again, Sarah, please accept my apologies. John? Yes, is that true about sauerkraut being an aphrodisiac?

Yes, it is true. Yes, is that true, about sauerkraut being an aphrodisiac? Yes, it is true. A study at King's College London resulted in the conclusion that sauerkraut was as effective as Viagra and suggested that all men eat pickled cabbage twice a day. You know, it sounds romantic, it is romantic. Heston Blumenthal famously believes that the cabbage is the most versatile vegetable of them all.

Amongst dishes he has created are invisible trifle with cabbage custard, cabbage soup with raspberry and sand croutons, and a frozen cabbage and licorice daiquiri. Rod. Oh, I'm going to say he makes a cabbage. What was the first one? A cabbage custard. Or an invisible trifle with cabbage custard. No, no. No, not the invisible trifle i don't think it has an invisible trifle i just think he

might put cabbage custard on it uh he doesn't you know john i'm such a goal hanger uh the list is now down to two i'm going to take a punt at 50 50 uh I think the last one was a daiquiri. I'll have that. No. Rod. The other one. No. No, no, no. This is carnage. None of them are true.

What? This is pointless. Still, well done if you got them at home. Yeah, I never tire of that. Perhaps unsurprisingly, then, cabbage is featured in all of the world's religions. Cabbage Sunday, the third after Epiphany, celebrates the second to last supper.

The most senior rank in the Church of Scientology is large cabbage, and the ancient Egyptians admired the cabbage so much they erected altars to it. In fact, the modern word cabbage comes from the Egyptian name Kabaj, the god of wind. Rod. Well, if there's nothing in the last list, there's got to be something in this list. I'm going to go for the third one.

The Egyptians, they were massively into cabbage, I bet. Yes, you're right. Yes. The ancient Egyptians worshipped cabbage heads as gods, enthroned on elaborate altars, seeing symbolic significance in their overlapping layers. The largest cabbage ever recorded was over three times the size of a space hopper and weighed as much as Beyoncé. I think it probably did weigh as much as Beyoncé.

Yeah, I think that as well. But she fluctuates a lot in weight, doesn't she? At what time was this? This is while she was in Destiny's Child. Well... Unfortunately, you don't get the point, Lucy. But you do get the sense of being right. OK.

Yes, the largest cabbage was grown by William Collingwood of County Durham in 1865. It had a circumference of 259 inches and it weighed 123 pounds, which is apparently the approximate weight of Beyonce and was over three times the size of a space hopper. In fact, I think she did eat a cabbage soup diet, you know. If she was eating cabbages like this, she would have put on weight. That's eating her whole body weight in cabbage, which is... Not even a mole needs that. In much the same way that during the First Gulf War

the Americans renamed French fries as Freedom Fries, during the First World War the Allies felt they should rename the Germans Sauerkraut. After extensive brainstorming with the greatest minds of the age, they called it Liberty Cabbage. It is well known that the only ten-letter word that can be spelled using just the letters on the first line of a typewriter is typewriter. What is less well known is that the longest word

that can be spelled out using just the musical notes is cabbaged. John, I think that's right. You're absolutely right. Mine's like a steel trap. Yeah. Other words that can be spelled using musical notes include baggage, defaced and feedbag. Interestingly, the whole of the previous paragraph about what words can be spelt with what letters

was voted the worst chat-up line of all time. So, if you're being really honest, Sarah, you only have yourself to blame. Thank you, Richard. At the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel. It's the truth that during the First World War, the Americans renamed sauerkraut Liberty Cabbage. And in fact, any reference to German things in the USA was considered unpatriotic.

Other changes included Liberty Sandwich for hamburger and even Liberty Measles for German measles. You'd think you'd allow your enemy a disease. You sort of go, no, even German measles is too good for the Kaiser. Anyway, that means, Richard, you've scored one point. In Ireland, pig's face and cabbage is a traditional dish. It's also how their parents refer to Jedward. Next up is Lucy Beaumont.

A couple of years ago, Lucy competed in a UK comedy competition called So You Think You're Funny, an aggressively named contest whose marketing team now want to relaunch the BAFTAs as What Makes You So Bloody Special and Mastermind as Bring It On, Smartass. Lucy, your subject is the train, a connected series of railway carriages

propelled along metal tracks by a locomotive which is principally used to transport passengers and goods. Off you go, Lucy. George Stevenson, the inventor of the first steam train, was ironically the first person ever to be run over and killed by one. In his birthplace in Stockport there's a statue of him standing proudly next to a replica of his first locomotive.

Underneath is the inscription, chuffed to bits. In Chile, trains were once powered by burning llama fleeces. These fleeces could also be burnt on domestic fires, hence the expression, oh, it's a bit chilly, I'm going to put on me fleece. John?

Were llama feces used as fuel? Llama... Oh, fleeces. It was fleeces. Llama feces used as fuel. Llama... Oh, fleeces. It was fleeces. Right, cos now the fleece pun makes sense. Yeah. The reason I was checking is that llama feces were used as fuel,

but llama fleeces weren't. In Africa, the construction of a railway bridge near Lake Victoria was stopped after 135 workers were eaten by lions. John. Yeah, there was a film about it, wasn't there? Sounds brilliant. I think that's true. It's a bit repetitive.

You're right, it's true. That's absolutely true. You're right, it's true. That's absolutely true. In South Africa, in the 1920s, train racing was an exciting and popular event. Two trains would set off from Durban and race to Johannesburg in a bid to see which one would reach the finish line in the fastest time. The sport died out quickly, though, as the train that started ahead on the track won every time. The Japanese Hikari bullet train has hired a miniature terrier dog to help collect passenger rail tickets,

and at one station, a cat has been appointed station master. Richard. Not the cat thing, but the dog thing. No, the dog thing isn't true. I'm terrible at this. Richard. Not the cat thing, but the dog thing. No, the dog thing isn't true. I'm terrible at this. John. Not the dog thing, but the cat thing. Yeah, the cat thing is true.

Yes. They've even made him a little hat. Yes. A cat has been appointed a station master in Japan. Dressed in a rail woman's cat... That's sick. Yes, a cat has been appointed a stationmaster in Japan

and made to wear the skin of a friend. No, dressed in a railwayman's cap, the cat is named Tama and its two feline assistants welcome passengers at the unmanned Kishi station on the Wakayama Electric Railway. When Isambard Kingdom Brunel was commissioned to excavate a tunnel under the Thames for East London Tube Line,

he set two teams to work digging from either bank. Planning to meet in the middle, the teams missed each other by several yards. So Brunel kept them digging and got two tunnels for the price of one. Rod, Come on! No. The first tunnel under the Thames was built

by Isambard Kingdom Brunel's father, Mark Isambard Brunel. I know another good Isambard Kingdom Brunel tunnel fact. It's that there's a tunnel he built, I think, through Box Hill, where on one day of the year, if you stand at one end, you can see the sun rise at the other end, and that day is his birthday.

And he did do it deliberately, I think. So that is cool, I must say. Yeah, isn't it? I'm off to stand in front of some chains. Sorry, that's a... I know the photograph you're talking about. Yes, I know, but no-one else does. Anyway, I'll see you at Brunel Club.

In the days of the railway carriage compartment, certain passengers would invent crafty ways to ensure they had a compartment to themselves, some of which include faking the act of vomiting by carrying chicken stew in a hat Richard. I'm going to go with the stew in a hat. No, I'm afraid that's not true. It sounds like you're ordering, though. I think I'll have the stew in a hat looks good. No, that's not true. Sounds like you're ordering, though. I think I'll have... The stew and the hat looks good.

No, that's not true. The London Underground has made more money from sales of its famous map than it ever made from running trains. Richard. Yep, true. Yep, true. Well done.

Yeah. The longest train in the world is in India and measures 3.5 miles. The longest railway ticket in the world is in India and measures 3.5 miles. The longest railway ticket in the world is in China and measures 2.5 feet. The longest station platform bench in the world is in Scarborough and measures 456 feet. Rod. Now then. I'm going to go for the train.

No. No, that's not true. The longest train was longer than that. You bastard. It was 4.568 miles long, and it was in Western Australia in 2001, and it ferried iron ore from mines there. Richard.

I will go for the ticket. No, the ticket's not true. John. I've go for the ticket. No, the ticket's not true. John. I've just had an idea. For some reason, I feel strangely drawn to the... whatever the other one was. Yes, you're right. Whatever the other one was is true.

The longest station platform bench in the world is in Scarborough, and it's 456 feet long, and it can seat 228 passengers at any one time and that's the end of Lucy's lecture thank you Lucy at the end of that round Lucy you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that one of the techniques for putting people off sharing a train compartment with you has been taking one's temperature anally with a thermometer and this was done by the composer and renowned eccentric lord burners who used a large clinical thermometer for the purpose taking his temperature rectally every five minutes

until the compartment was clear and that means lucy you've scored one point. In order to calm public fears, railway pioneer George Stevenson assured MPs that trains would never go faster than 12 miles an hour. And for the most part, he's been proved absolutely right. Now it's the turn of John Finnemore. Your subject, John, is the BBC,

the world's largest public broadcaster, which is funded principally by an annual television licence fee. Off you go, John. The BBC was established in 1906, ten years before the invention of broadcasting. But then disaster struck with the invention of the radio. The Director General immediately resigned in disgrace and was replaced by John Reith, who hated the wireless and thought he was applying

for a place on a committee to suppress it. He launched the BBC World Service with a speech telling listeners, the programmes will neither be very interesting nor very good. Reith would not allow unmarried women to present shows and was wary of allowing them to appear at all. When a young David Attenborough filmed a native fertility dance in Papua New Guinea, he had to fashion makeshift wedding rings out of reeds to ensure the footage would be broadcast. Come on, I'm up in that. Yes! Yes! What, the wedding rings?

The rings. The rings. The bloody rings. It's not true. Sorry. Richard. I'm going to say the unmarried women. No, that's not true. Well, is any of this true? Yes. But he seems to have hidden everything. Yes. I remind you of the company of moles.

Now, if anyone hasn't been listening to the early bit of the programme, that's going to sound odd. Television was shut down completely between six and seven to make sure parents put their children to bed, and at other times, placards regularly appeared between programmes bearing messages such as, Excessive television is injurious to the eyes. Shouldn't you rather be gardening?

And, ladies, the BBC trusts your continued viewing of this broadcast signifies you've already completed your household chores. Lucy? They would be worried about the eyesight, the eye one. No, the eye one's not true. Oh, you know what? I don't know how many points I've got, but it's not many. I will go for the six till seven shutdown. That's absolutely true. Well done.

Oh, Brendan. Yes, this was known as the Toddler's Truce and lasted until 1957 when ITV broke the agreement by filling the slot with filmed adventure serials. 1957 is very nearly 8 o'clock, isn't it? But when Lord Reef left to become a motivational speaker, the BBC instantly transformed into the sordid mire of scandal and corruption it is today. In 1966, an episode of the puppet pig show Pinky and Perky

was banned for being too political. Rod. It was so boring, it's got to be true that he left to be a motivational speaker. You can't make up something that dull, can you? I can. Comedians were expressly forbidden from making jokes about stammering, cucumbers or Sir Stafford Cripps. Richard.

I'm going to say they weren't allowed to do jokes about cucumbers. No, they were allowed to do jokes about cucumbers. Rod. Stammering. St stammering stammering for one yes yes the bbc's green book published in 1949 forbid making jokes about stammering chambermaids lavatories fig leaves honeymoon couples lod, solicitors, effeminacy in men, the Boer War and vulgar use of the word basket. British farmers use the archers to learn the latest innovations in regional accents. British submarine commanders use the Today Programme to decide whether or

not to launch their nuclear weapons at anyone. And just commanders use the Today programme to decide whether or not to launch their nuclear weapons at anyone. And just last year the nation was rocked by revelations that Blue Peter isn't even filmed on board ship. Richard. I think this is a really long time ago, but I think an episode of Pinky and Perky was taken off air for being too political. It is too long ago

to get the point. I'm sorry, Richard. Oh, bloody hell, what's wrong with you? It's like I i just slaughtered a lamb in front of you i think you should get a point for that david he just waited politely while you've just rambled on no he was rambled on you haven't seen the half of it i'll ramble on long enough to kill a mole if this sort of defiance continues he was thinking about it he was planning he was googling Pinky and Perky under the desk

alright you can have my point the episode of Pinky and Perky was entitled you too can be prime minister but was banned as the BBC were fearful The episode of Pinky and Perky was entitled You Too Can Be Prime Minister, but was banned as the BBC were fearful of political content in the run-up to a general election. However, public outcry saw it reinstated,

and the episode went on to attract more viewers than Harold Wilson's party political broadcast, which was showing at the same time over on ITV. That's the end of John's lecture. Oh, that was good. Thank you, John. At the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, and they are that Lord Reith's address to listeners on the Empire Service, which is the old name for the World Service,

started with the words, don't expect too much in the early days. The programs will neither be very interesting nor very good. And the second truth is that British submarine commanders use the Today Program to decide whether or not to launch their nuclear weapons. This was revealed by Professor Peter Hennessy in his book, The Secret State, Whitehall and the Cold War, 1945 to 1970. During the Cold War if the Today programme was off air without explanation for three consecutive days the commanders of British nuclear submarines

were to take this as a signal that Britain had been destroyed and they were to open their sealed instructions from the Prime Minister on how to respond. They've got to be very careful with their strikes don't they? You've've got to be very careful with their strikes, don't they? You've also got to be pretty careful

on changing the batteries in the radio if you're a nuclear scientist. And that means, John, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. In joint fourth place, with minus four points each, we have Rod Gilbert and Lucy Beaumont. In second place,

less than pointless, with minus three points, is Richard Osman. And in first place, with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, John Finnemore. And that's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesbitt and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists John Finnemore, Rod Gilbert, Lucy Beaumont and Richard Osman. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Mason. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.