The Unbelievable Truth - 11x03 Monkeys, Fingers, Windows, Horns

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

11x03 22 April 2013 Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, Mark Watson, Ed Byrne Monkeys, Fingers, Windows, Horns

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. Time to meet our panel, and if you watched this year's British Comedy Awards, so did they. Please welcome Lucy Porter, Mark Watson, Ed Byrne and Tony Hawks. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information

which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Tony Hawks. And I hope I'm not embarrassing Tony when I say he's one of my oldest friends. I generally prefer young people.

Tony, your subject is monkeys, described by my encyclopaedia as small to medium-sized arboreal primates generally characterised by their flattened faces and long tails Off you go Tony fingers on buzzers the rest of you in the Boer War Monkeys were used to ambush British troops This was developed further when larger primates were used and guerrilla warfare was born In the First World War monkeys were found to be naturally brilliant soldiers. And although only one was promoted to the rank of corporal,

it was a different story in World War II. Monkey officers became quite common. And the Americans actually shaved the chimpanzee who became General Eisenhower. Lucy. Yes, I'm going back to the... I think there was, in the First World War, a monkey corporal. There was a monkey corporal in the First World War. Corporal Jackie of the 3rd South African Infantry

was a friendly and highly intelligent baboon. Taken to war by South African farmer Albert Marr. A favourite amongst the troops, Jackie was made regimental mascot, issued with rations, uniform and pay book, and described as an excellent soldier, always smartly turned out, friendly and respectful, giving a proper salute to every passing officer. He was injured by a shell in Belgium, 1918,

resulting in the amputation of his right leg and a medal for bravery and returned to live on Marr's farm after the armistice. But if they'd realised that he was gay, they wouldn't have allowed us. Monkeys are the same as apes, apart from a difference in spelling. Monkeys don't have prehensile tails, but some have learned to cling to trees using their amazing prehensile tails, but some have learnt to cling to trees using their amazing prehensile penises. I can do this too.

But I don't use it much, as I don't want to appear clingy. And it takes too long to fold it back up after. Mark? I think it's possible some monkeys can cling to trees it back up after. Mark? I think it's possible some monkeys can cling to trees with their penises. Yeah, it's the sort of low-down behaviour you expect from the animals. They can't. Well, I've got one here, and it did a pretty good job of it earlier.

Apparently, on the internet, it's widely reported that rhesus monkeys have prehensile penises, but the internet is wrong The internet is wrong in that instance. I think it's a bit rich to just declare the entire internet wrong The fact is it's capricious sometimes. It's right sometimes. It's wrong. You don't know where you are with the internet No,, you don't. But most likely sitting in front of a computer. Yes. Roman Abramovich has six monkeys. They advise him on when to hire and fire managers. Romans who killed a relative would be executed by being tied in a sack with a live dog, cockerel, snake and monkey and then thrown into a river.

Mark? I'm hopeful that that is true. That's an odd thing to hope. But I suppose within the context of the game, I understand. I don't normally walk around thinking I hope someone gets killed with a snake and a cockerel in a sack. I see, yes. But the game does funny things to one's moral compass. This is going to be a great moment for you.

Yes, that is true. You get a point. What do you think killed them in that scenario? It depends on what kind of snake was in that sack. It would be a contender, the snake. And that's the first time I've said that phrase. it would be a contender that's the first time i've said that phrase the success of the arctic monkeys has infuriated all the monkeys in the antarctic who mainly live in the falklands which belong to argentina and the arctic monkeys are banned from falklands fm where the current record of the week is Stutter Rap by Morris Minor and the Mages.

According to QI, the French philosopher René Descartes believed that monkeys and apes, which are the same, incidentally, apart from spelling, could actually talk, but the reason they don't is that they think humans would get them to work for them if they did. Nietzsche went one further, believing monkeys could sing, and attempted to stage an all-monkey version of Les Miserables, which was not a commercial success,

but by all accounts the lead monkey was much better than Russell Crowe. Mark? Nietzsche was pretty much insane, so I think it's possible he thought monkeys could sing. No. He didn't. Lucy? Could I have the Descartes thought they could speak? You can have that.

But I should clarify, Descartes did not think they could speak. What Tony said was, according to QI, the French philosopher, René Descartes, said they could speak. QI asserted this. It is not the case. Oh, you're just getting your own back. Yes! We're getting our own back. QI has claimed that Descartes

suspected monkeys and apes know how to talk but keep quiet to avoid being employed as servants. However, the statement itself is untrue. Descartes actually says in a letter of 1646 that savages are said to believe this. However, Descartes' 18th century follower, the philosopher Julien Offray de la Métrie, believed that apes and monkeys were simply retarded people

and that given the right teacher, a chimpanzee could learn to speak. Now I look like an idiot who's got a point. There's worse things. Thank you. Monkeys are complete idiots. And in front of a typewriter, they're only able to type the complete works of Shakespeare. Their accountancy is also poor because they can only count up to nine. Ed.

I think it's fair to say that a monkey's accountancy is poor. I don't think there's going to be any argument here on that. Shall I go one further and say that they can only count up to nine? You're absolutely right. Yes! But you're probably right, their accountancy is poor. But then again, I would say their accountancy is equal to their accountancy needs. When a baby monkey is frightened, it clings to a tree. Wildlife

documentary makers then have to come along and remove them using a wrench. This wrench has become known as the baby primate removal wrench, which is odd because the term monkey wrench would be so much better. But the name monkey wrench was already in use, named after its inventor, Charles Monkey. Thank you, Tony. At the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the monkey wrench was invented by Charles Monkey.

Although it's spelt M-O-N-C-K-E. And he was a 17th-century London blacksmith, presumably of German extraction, whose foreign-sounding name is likely to have been pronounced monkey by locals. So that means, Tony, you've scored one point. Unlike most apes and monkeys, gibbons are monogamous, though that depends how you define it, as a lot of them are swingers. We turn now to Lucy Porter. Lucy began her career as a journalist on The Big Issue, which I think is a polite way of saying she was homeless. Your subject, Lucy,

is fingers, each of the four jointed digits attached to either hand in humans and other primates, commonly used as organs of manipulation and sensation. Off you go, Lucy. I personally find it impossible to move just one finger and thumb at a time, as I have no muscles in my fingers. My thumb cannot rotate about its long axis at the carpometacarpal joint. Essentially, this means that I have not got what could truly be described as an opposable thumb, and I may be the first sign that the human race is actually devolving.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has had the middle finger of his left hand insured for £1 million. Mark. I'm pretty sure that is true, or at least I read about him having his middle finger insured for some sum of money. Let's hope the exchange rate is in my favour. It is. It is. It's for one million pounds.

Well done. And he's not the only celebrity to have a body part insured. Dolly Parton has had each breast insured for $300,000. Jennifer Lopez has insured her bottom for $27 million. And Tom Jones' chest hair is insured for $7 million.

For $7 million? You'd arrange an accidental fire of your chest hair. I wonder, if you say you're Jennifer Lopez and your bottom's insured for $27 million, do you have a duty of care? Are there certain things... You've got to get a look on it i think and at what point at what point can you claim like if you were like an insurance

investigator would you not say well look can you still sit down yeah yes well then i'm afraid it still functions at the bottom does it yeah does it have to just be functional or does it have to continue to be sexy well yeah there's the desirability of her bottom that she's ensuring, isn't it? She would have to present it to a panel of people. If it disappeared, she could stuff the £27 million down her trousers. And it would look roughly the same, I think, if... It would be even more desirable. It would.

Anyway, where were we? Bottoms. Bottoms. Fingers and bottoms. Fingers. Fingers and bottoms. Fingers and bottoms on Radio 4. Apart from the fingertips,

the only other area of friction-rich skin on the body is the crease where your legs join your buttocks. As with fingerprints, no two individuals have the same patterns in what I'm going to call the underbum, but this is significantly less useful in the detection of crime. Unless that crime was committed on the toilet. Ed, go on. The skin where your leg meets your bottom

is as individual as your fingerprints. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. David, have I ever told you? No, it's not true. It's not as individual. The sensitivity of a woman's middle finger is reduced during menstruation, but her inclination to show it to you is increased. The famous three-fingered scout salute was adopted

because Lord Baden-Powell's original troupe of boys included a boy who had lost a finger whilst playing with a pocket knife. Baden-Powell invented the salute to remind other boys not to be so careless. Mark. Knowing what we all do about the scouts, that does sound plausible. Yeah. No, it's not true. Seems a bit cruel, and the poor lad never got his having all your fingers badge.

The only character in The Simpsons with five digits is God. This is because the show is animated in the Philippines, where it is illegal to depict God with any physical injuries. Tony. I do think that this is true, the Philippines business. Sorry, you think? In the Philippines, it's illegal to depict God with any physical injuries. No, well, God has got five fingers in The Simpsons.

Well, that is true, tell me, yes. God has five fingers in The Simpsons, but it is not illegal in the Philippines to depict God with any physical injuries. And similarly, three-fingered postman Pat was given an extra finger in Japan just in case kids thought he was a member of the Yakuza criminal society whose members have their little fingers cut off to show loyalty. In Japan, they also dropped the episode where Mrs Goggins is found to be running a human trafficking ring from the post office.

Ed? Yakuza's do have their fingers cut off. Yes. That's true. Yes. Well, whether or not Postman Pat had to have one added to prevent him being accused of being a Yakuza is another matter. Surely the point is that I have picked up on a truth.

No, because Lucy didn't assert that the Yakuza criminals had cut their... She just referred to that in asserting that Postman Pat was given an extra finger in Japan. Now, would you... Do you think that that's true? Or do you think that that's a lie? I've just realised I said the phrase, Postman Pat was given an extra finger in the face. What do you think?

I had an argument with a woman just the other day because in the new Postman Pat, the theme tune doesn't say, and it's black and white cat, they now say, and Jess the cat. They just like to give characters names because they feel that kids respond better to that. But this woman was going, yeah, because they can't say black and white anymore.

But he doesn't work for the Royal Mail anymore, though, does he? He's Postman Pat's special delivery service. He is now a special delivery courier, yes. So he doesn't actually do a lot in episodes, he just leaves a note. I'm going to say yes. I don't know why. I'm pretty sure this is true. I'm going to say that, yes, Postman Pat's been given an extra finger

to distinguish himself from the Yakuza. Well, that's right. Yes! You see, the darkest point of the night is just before the dawn. I love that you make me the panellist I can be. You bring it out of me. Yes, but Ed, are you saying, yes, I am, David?

Well, you're right. Do you know what, David? I think the crease where your leg meets your leg... Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that you have no muscles in your fingers, and neither do any of us. Fingers have no long muscles, but move by the pull of forearm muscles on the tendons in the main part of the hand.

And the second truth is that the sensitivity of a woman's middle finger is reduced during menstruation. Woo! Woo! Why is that a woo? Feeling a bit less sensitive in the middle finger. While empirical evidence shows this to be true, doctors have yet to come up with a medical explanation. It's just one of those women's things, isn't it?

Yeah, because you notice how your middle finger gets a bit less sensitive no it would have happened in men's fingers there'd be a lot more research thank you sister Ed thank you anyway that means Lucy you've scored two points the Brazilian word cafune means tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair. Something Lady Forsyth can do even when Brucie isn't at home. Next up is Mark Watson. Mark recently performed stand-up comedy for 25 hours for comic relief. Eventually enough money was raised to make him stop. Mark, your subject is windows.

Openings fitted with glass in frames to admit light or air and to allow people to see out. Off you go, Mark. The dictionary tells us that a window is a woman whose husband has died. It goes on to say you have misread the word you were looking at. Windows have played a part in our culture since the young da Vinci convinced his dad, Walter da Vinci, to get him art lessons by hanging outside the window a picture of a scary monster, which was so realistic it scared Walter half to death.

These days there are an estimated 27 million windows in London alone, and if you were to look through them all, you would be a pervert. More recently, scientific studies have shown that people who have larger windows tend to live longer, and that patients with windows in their hospital rooms recover more quickly. Ed? Well, something's got to be true. Eventually, I'm going to go with the notion that people with larger windows live longer. Which is quite possible, because, you know, maybe larger windows, they're more middle class, they have healthier diets. They're more likely to fall out of them. Which is quite possible because, you know, maybe larger windows, they're more middle class, they have healthier diets.

They're more likely to fall out of them. There is that. No, they don't. Lucy? If you have a window in your hospital room, you recover more quickly. That's true. Yes, well done. That's what I meant. Small wonder that some of us attach a bizarre significance to these apertures. David Beckham closes and opens his bedroom window three times,

the night before every match. Dermot O'Leary kisses a window every night. Adele, by contrast, will not go near a window if she's performing the next day. Tony. OK, look, one of those. One of those, yes. Yes, I have a strong sense we'll get three buzzes here. So, I think it's David Beckham. You're wrong. Oh! of those one of those is that yes i have a strong sense we'll get three buzzes here right so i think it's david beckham you're wrong oh anyone else want to buzz we can move straight on we can move

straight on ed i'm going to go with o'leary you're right he's right yeah you're right he revealed this superstitious practice in an interview with the guardian stating that he doesn't know why he does it but never forgets even when he's drunk. In America, each day over two million birds die crashing into window panes, and in New Zealand, over a thousand Kiwis die running headlong into patio doors. That's Kiwis as in the birds, not New Zealanders themselves. In 1994, Los Angeles police arrested a man

for dressing as the Grim Reaper, complete with scythe, and standing outside the windows of old people's homes, staring in. He claimed to be a stripper, Graham, but always lost his nerve before knocking on the door. Thank you, Mark. And at the end of that round, Mark, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel.

It's the speedboat. And they are that Leonardo da Vinci once scared his father with a painting of a monster spitting fire which he'd hung outside a window. The second truth is that in America each day over two million birds die crashing into window panes. And according to the British Trust for Ornithology, in the UK up to 100 million birds are crashing into

windows each year, with a third of them dying as a result. To reduce fatalities, the BTO suggests people put stickers shaped like birds of prey in their garden windows. Never gonna happen. And the third truth is that in 1994, Los Angeles police arrested a man for dressing as the Grim Reaper and

standing outside the windows of old people's homes. The prankster was known as the Grim Peeper. And that means, Mark, you scored three points. Studies show that people in hospitals get better quicker if the window to their rooms looks out onto trees, and even faster if it looks out onto a graveyard. The Latin for oculusculus meaning the eye is the correct architectural term for a round window as a five-year-old stephen fry used to scream at the tv whenever he watched play school

now it's the turn of ed byrne as an actor ed once played the title role in itv's pantomime version of aladdin but happily viewers just needed to give their remote control a gentle rub Ed Byrne. As an actor, Ed once played the title role in ITV's pantomime version of Aladdin. But happily, viewers just needed to give their remote control a gentle rub and a new channel would appear. Ed, your subject is the horn. A hard, keratinous, hollow outgrowth on the head of certain cattle and other animals, long used by humans as a drinking vessel or wind instrument. Off you go, Ed. Oh. Because I've written a whole essay on a totally different horn.

Sorry. As a leading expert on the subject of horns, one of the questions I'm most often asked is, what's the difference between antlers and horns? And I always answer by making an excellent joke about how none of Lucy Porter's tour posters have ever given me the antler. Lucy.

Just want to point out, Ed's let himself down there very badly. I'm looking forward to the next one. In fact, chemically, horns and antlers are traditionally made of wood, although some of the younger animals now favour acrylic. Where they differ is that antlers only appear exclusively on males. Also, antlers fall off every year, whereas horns are permanent, except in the case of unicorns who are said to lose their horns after mating but hopefully give them 20 minutes and they can try again

tony i think i'll go for the unicorns losing their homes after mating why am i Who's going to tell him? Don't! That's the sweetest thing. Have they not got horns? Lucy should tell him. I still don't get it, actually. When Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy... In fairness, I did say I said to.

I said to, yeah. But they're not said to. Well, can you all stop ridiculing me? No, people quite wrongly inferred that you thought unicorns existed. I noticed you are crying though Lucy Right there was only males have antlers or antlers drop off and horns don't and I'm going to go with

only males have antlers You're wrong No female reindeers also have antlers Mark I may as well guess it's true that they drop off You're right yes antlers fall off. Mark. I may as well guess it's true that they drop off then. You're right, yes. Antlers fall off every year, whereas horns are permanent. Other things that you may not know about unicorns

include the fact that these mythical creatures are said, according to legend, to have the tail of a leopard, the beard of a goat, the cunning of a fox, and the laissez-faire attitude of a retired civil servant. Botticelli famously portrayed Moses with horns sticking out of his head. This was because the Hebrew word for horns is spelled exactly the same as the word for rays of light. When this error was first pointed out, Bible scholars worldwide responded by saying, yes, but I'm sure we've got everything else absolutely bang on. So don't go thinking it's okay to cover your neighbour's box.

The alpine horn was designed as a method of calling home cattle. Tony. I think that the alpine horn was actually designed to call cows home. No. What on earth were they designed for? For communication.

Signalling to other humans. Right. And hoping that the cows weren't listening in. I don't think they really cared, the cows. They weren't keeping secrets from the cows. But I think the thing about cows is if you blow a horn at a cow, it might flinch. Yeah.

Or it might not flinch, but it won't derive any meaning therefrom. It won't be thinking, oh Oh gosh. Is that the time? The sax horn was a less successful invention by the same guy who invented the saxophone The Matterhorn is the tallest mountain in Switzerland in 1982 three students from Zurich College of Arts became the first people to make it to the top of the Matterhorn Completely naked, apart from climbing shoes In 1948, four men tried to take a cow to the top But they all froze to death, including the cow

Which you might think is cruel Until you consider that it was actually the cow's idea all along Lucy The naked people one No, that's not true, the naked people one. No. And that's the end of Ed's lecture, during which you have managed to smuggle Ed four truths

past the rest of the panel. And they are that it is said that the unicorns have the beard of a goat. You also have the tail of a lion. Yes, it has something in there. Goat hooves, a lion's tail and an antelope's hind legs. However, in ancient times, a unicorn was considered even more exotic, with Julius Caesar describing it as having elephant's feet and ancient Greek physician Theseus giving it a burgundy head and striped horn. The second truth is that the Hebrew word for horns

is spelled exactly the same as the word for rays of light, and Michelangelo portrayed Moses with horns in a statue on Pope Julius II's tomb as a result of that mistranslation. But it shows he could just read instructions. Michelangelo said, seems a bit weird, Moses with horns, I'd better get on with it. You know, he could work to a brief.

He wasn't this kind of pissy artist who doesn't feel right. I want you to imagine, oh, that's fine, horns. Holding a remote control, all right. The third truth is that Belgian instrument maker Adolphe Sax, inventor of the saxophone, invented the family of sax horn brass instruments in Paris in 1845. And the fourth truth is that in 1948,

four men tried to take a cow to the top of the Matterhorn, but they all froze to death. And was it the cow's idea? No. Anyway, that means, Ed, you've scored four points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Tony Hawks. In third place, with no points, it's Ed Byrne.

And in joint first place, with an unassailable two points each, it's this week's winners Mark Watson and Lucy Porter. And that's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth, being devised by John Naswich and Graham Garden, and features David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Tony Hawkes, Lucy Porter, Mark Watson and Ed Byrne. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster

and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naisman. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.