The Unbelievable Truth - 11x04 Geese, Horses, Advertising, Madonna

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

11x04 29 April 2013 Henning Wehn, Katherine Ryan, Graeme Garden, Lloyd Langford Geese, Horses, Advertising, Madonna

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. As this is a radio show, it's a BBC requirement that our set is at best cheap and cheerful. But not our panel. No, being comedians, they're just cheap and depressive.

Please welcome Lloyd Langford, Henning Vane, Catherine Ryan and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth we'll begin with Henning Vane Henning is a German who loves all things British in fact he's just finished reading Bride's Head Revisited so for Mr. Vane, the war is over. Very topical. Well done. Henning's aim is to challenge our lazy cultural

assumptions about Germany. Something he's doing with Ruthless efficiency. Henning, your subject is geese, described by my encyclopedia as long-necked aquatic birds that are intermediate in size between ducks and swans. Off you go, Henning. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Geese are hard as nails. It's because they were made by Jesus.

The alpha male of a flock is called the geyser A tough goose with a lot of bling is called the diamond geyser Geese have always been feared and loathed Especially in the 1970s When hundreds of thousands of them beasts illegally migrated to Britain They came in all shapes and sizes, the largest species being the Portuguese, which can grow anything up to four foot six. The Portuguese only eat spicy chicken, which they prefer spit roasted. They have even turned

to spit themselves, usually by pushing it around with their long necks. Yum, yum, yum. The migratory Canada goose is actually an American citizen, but calls itself Canadian, even stitching maple leaves on its backpack so it gets less hostility when youth-hostling in Europe. its backpack so it gets less hostility when youth hostiling in Europe. A cross between a swan and a goose is called a swooze. Unlike lazy swanning swans, geese are not afraid of hard work. That's why they are employed in Brazilian prisons to prevent prisoners from

escaping. They make such a record 24-7 that nobody can formulate an escape plan. If only Germany had thought of having them at Stalag Luft. Christmas television in Britain would be a lot more bearable. Catherine. There's just been a lot of lies,

so maybe it was true that they use geese to alert when prisoners try to escape. You're right. That's absolutely true. Well done. Four jails in Brazil are using geese to help prevent prisoners from escaping. The prisons in Sao Paulo's Paraiba Valley say no inmates have escaped since they brought in the geese.

Just like the mafia, geese are committed to their families. The grey-legged goose is always faithful to its partner. That is, apart from the occasional stag weekend, which geese refer to as a gander. But it's generally agreed among geese that what happens at the Lee Valley

Wetland Centre stays at the Lee Valley Wetland Centre stays at a Lee Valley Wetland Centre. Lloyd. I think that goose is monogamous. No, what's the one which isn't the wood? Monogamous? Monogamous, rather than mahogamous. Yeah, but they're not monogamous either.

A lot of people thought that geese were monogamous, were faithful to their mates all their life, but biologists now believe it's truer to say that they're coupled for life with a bit of adultery, cuckoldry and gang rape on the side. The only creatures tougher than geese are the Irish. LAUGHTER The only creatures tougher than geese are the Irish. LAUGHTER

In Ireland, chimneys were traditionally cleaned by tying a rope round a goose's legs and pulling it up the chimney, where the flapping of its wings would dislodge the soot. Although, if you look at how the Irish have treated women orphans and Angela Merkel's generosity... LAUGHTER have treated women orphans in Angela Merkel's generosity. The geese got off quite lightly. Lloyd.

I was going to guess using the goose as a sort of ad hoc chimney sweep. You're absolutely right. A large bird, often a goose, would be dropped down the flue from the roof, then pulled back up again by a rope attached to its legs. Its powerful wings would loosen the soot as it struggled. The blacker the bird, the cleaner the chimney. Apparently the rule. They also used ducks, chickens and turkeys for the same purpose. And I've got a new phrase.

The blacker the bird, the cleaner the chimney. May your life be filled with occasions for which it is apposite. Henning. In response to their bad treatment, geese became more organised, even entering local politics. At the height of their political influence, geese even came up with their very own march,

but don't know anything about that. Only that they were doing it in Britain long before others made it famous. Thank you. Graham. Henning wishes us to believe that we were marching like geese before anybody else in Britain. It's certainly true that he wishes us to believe that. I take a point. But, er...

It's certainly true that he wishes us to believe that. I'll take a point. Yes, it's absolutely true. The British Army were doing the goose step long before the Germans and the Nazis made it famous. It was known as the goose step in Britain as long ago as 1806, but was not used for ceremonial purposes, but as a training step for new recruits to aid balance when marching. So well done, Graham.

And thank you, Henning. That's the end of your lecture. At the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that geese were used to turn spits when roasting meat. They could be trained to turn spits with their necks, or were used in wheels or treadmills connected to the spit. Turn-spit dogs were also used to turn such treadmills,

but the geese were able to keep spits turning for up to 12 hours at a time and then presumably just hop on and get cooked. And the second truth is that a cross between a swan and a goose is called a swoose. And that means, Henning, you've scored two points. Henry VIII's lavatory seat was stuffed with goose down, while the porcelain was routinely cleaned with an unfortunate toilet duck. According to experts, male geese sometimes display homosexual tendencies, most noticeably when they're thrown bits of bread in the park

and insist on dipping them in olive oil and balsamic vinegar. OK, we turn now to Catherine Ryan. Catherine is a Canadian comic who once took part in the Amused Moose laugh-off competition. That was in London, where the Amused Moose is a comedy club, not in Canada, where it's a kind of elk that's just spotted a double meaning in the word beaver. Catherine was once a waitress at a Hooters restaurant, which I should make clear in these days of food contamination,

is a play on the US slang for breasts, not a reference to traces of owl meat in their chicken wings. Your subject, Catherine, is horses. Herbivorous quadrupeds with flowing manes and tails used for riding, racing, and transporting heavy loads. Off you go, Catherine. Most people will be familiar with the horse as a 16th century

cold-blooded land mammal, incapable of thought, which is exclusively ridden by drunken cowboys. These striking similarities to glamour model Jordan are what make her... a massive horse enthusiast. Jordan is so close to her youngest horse, Mimi Superbling,

that she's arranged animal acting lessons for the animal, who is said to have dreams of stardom. Lloyd. There's definitely some sort of horse-related fact in there connected to Jordan. I think maybe she has organised acting lessons for her horse. No. Immediately following the discovery of horse meat in Tesco burgers, Defra ordered farmers to put condoms on any stallion

kept in a mixed paddock with cows to prevent further contamination. I really believe, they never said horse meat, they said horse DNA, and to me, DNA could be that.

You're the CSI. Yeah, you know, like a cow fell in love with a horse and the horse was with the cow. All right. There are a lot of horses

who've fallen in love with cows just at the point, just when the relationship was consummated. Yeah. Suddenly, where is my darling? Oh, she's gone off to be in a lasagna. In Montgomery, Alabama, it was illegal to open your umbrella in the presence of a horse.

And in Texas, law states that no man shall look his horse in the eye whilst chewing tobacco. Graham. Toss a coin. It's American. It's probably the opening an umbrella in front of a horse is illegal wherever you said it was. You're absolutely right. In Alabama. Well done.

Horses can get startled by the opening of an umbrella. So it's quite sensible not to open an umbrella in front of a horse. Doesn't mean you have to make it illegal, though. A zebra crossed with a horse is a zorse. A donkey crossed with a horse is a honky. A goat crossed with a horse is a gorse. And a rhino crossed with a horse is a honky, a goat crossed with a horse is a gorse, and a rhino crossed with a horse is a rhine horseress. The Persian emperor Cyrus the Great once sentenced a river to death because his favorite horse had

drowned in it. A horse shampoo called Lucky Kentucky was considered so good on human hair, it sold more than 900,000 bottles in Japan in 1997. Naughty racehorse names that managed to escape the Jockey Club censor include Ride Me Sloppy, Hoof Hearted, Wear the Fox Hat. Well, I wonder, do you have to register the names with the Jockey Club? And might they say, you're not allowed to name your horse this, that or the other? The jockey club has to okay it.

You can't even name your baby what you like. I thought in the UK you can. I think the register, if anyone's a register, I think if you walk in there and you go, I want to name my baby like crazy, shaky bum bum. They can be like, well, no, you can't do that. No, they say, certainly, Mr. Geldorf. Well, the same does not go for racehorses. Graham.

That being so, I think at least one of those names has been rejected by the Jockey Club. And I shall plump for Hoof Hearted. You're absolutely right. Yes. Hoof Hearted made it past the USA Jockey Club censors. In 2003, Wayne Rooney tried to get the names Hoof-Hearted and Norfolk Enchants past the censors of the British Racing Authority, but they were rejected. So there is a Hoof-Hearted in the American Jockey Club,

but not in Britain. I think it is definitely true that trying to name a horse Norfolk Enchants is the best thing Wayne Rooney has ever done Thank you Catherine And at the end of that round Catherine you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel

And the first is that a zebra crossed with a horse is called a zorse. Zorses look more like horses than zebras, but have stripes and are resistant to certain horse diseases. I can't imagine anything that looks more like a zebra than a horse with stripes. But there we go.

The second truth is that the persian emperor cyrus the great once sentenced a river to death because his favorite horse had drowned in it and the third truth is that a horse shampoo called lucky kentucky was considered so good on human hair it sold more than 900 000 bottles in japan in 1997 that means, Catherine, you've scored three points. A zorse is a cross between a zebra and a horse. Hang on. Always stop at a zebra crossing. The Roman poet and philosopher Lucretius argued that a half-man, half-horse centaur is impossible

because horse and man live to different ages, so one half would be dead when the other was still in the best of health. And he's right. That is the main reason why centaurs don't exist. Next up is Graham Garden. When he was in the goodies, Graham enjoyed pop success with songs like The Funky Gibbon, which many considered the most toe-curling thing to be seen on top of the pops in the 1970s. Until we learnt a bit more about the DJs. Graham, your subject is advertising,

a form of public communication intended to draw attention to a product, service or event. Off you go, Graham. Among the well-known phrases that originated in ads are no news is good news, which first appeared in a campaign showing how the sun differs from other papers. Put some lead in your pencil was coined by the Keswick Graphite Company, and the phrase always a bridesmaid but never a bride comes from an advert for listerine mouthwash go to work on an egg was a slogan invented by a budding young writer called charlotte bronte although although her follow-up get your laughing gear around a sausage didn't

catch on katherine i feel like some of that's got to be true. Is, um, Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride, was that a Listerine advert? Yes, it was. Well done. I'm familiar with that saying. Yes, the advert first featured in the Ladies' Home Journal in 1924, with the slogan appearing next to a picture of a forlorn woman called Edna, who was unable to find love because of her bad breath. Listerine was originally sold as a floor cleaner and a cure for gonorrhoea. Have you ever been hurt at work and it wasn't

your fault? Me too, get over it. In the early days before the law insisted on truth in advertising, In the early days before the law insisted on truth in advertising, Heinz claimed it's baked beans prevent appendicitis, cure malaria, tighten loose teeth and heal tuberculosis. Henning. One or more of them. It's going to be the first one, like appendicitis or tuberculosis, because tuberculosis was happening then, wasn't it? Yeah, it was really happening.

I'm afraid, no, it's not one or more it's fewer than one none of those claims were made by heinz for its baked beans they were however all claimed by the breakfast cereal grape nuts not content to appeal only to our eyes and ears, the advertising agency, Pew Pew Barney McGrew, Custard, Pibble and Grub came up with an advertising campaign that wafted the aroma of Amaretto almond

liqueur through the London underground. It had to be dropped because people mistook the smell of almonds for the smell of cyanide gas. Among the many faces and voices associated with TV commercials, John McCrurick was the original Milky Bar Kid. Elvis Costello's dad sang I'm a Secret Lemonade Drinker on the ad for our whites.

Lloyd. I think Elvis Costello's dad did sing I'm a Secret Lemonade Drinker. Yes, he did. Well done. Thank you. Elvis Costello's dad, Ross McManus, wrote and performed the original song in 1973 with his teenage son, then Declan McManus,

playing drums and singing backing vocals on the recording. Less well known is the fact that the shaken vac lady was the sister of Camilla Parker Bowles. The shortest commercial shown on British TV was so short nobody noticed it. Henning. Well, did they have them subconscious adverts that you don't really see?

Oh, yeah, the subliminal... Subliminal, that's the word, yes. I think they've never been allowed on British TV, so... How could you tell? I just know they're not there because I believe in the rule of law. I also know that as soon as I get tuberculosis, I'm getting myself

some grape nuts. That is one of the side effects. A Surrey council had to apologise for issuing thousands of leaflets advertising a concert by the Budapest Gypsy Symphony Orchestra with the words, the only time you want to see 100 gypsies on your doorstep. LAUGHTER The council was forced to take action after 100 angry gypsies camped on its doorstep.

Henning. There is the sort of thing where some local councillors would think that's a hilarious way of advertising it, and then only then, later on, do they... then backfires. That's exactly what happened, Henning, yes. Well done. Mole Valley District Council sent out 25,000 brochures advertising the performance at Dorking Halls and spent £5,000 responding to complaints about the

advert. Were you sold PPI that you didn't need or want or understand? Then why on earth did you buy it? Bolton's Job Centre banned a company from advertising for a friendly catering manager, arguing that this would discriminate against unfriendly people. Catherine. Having been a waitress early on myself, I'd say that customer service is crazy over here and you would not be able to advertise for a friendly catering manager.

Where would you find one to start with yeah i don't think you'd expect to get a friendly one but um no that's absolutely true well done other words the job center considered discriminatory were motivated and enthusiastic after complaints the department of Work and Pensions, a spokeswoman said, We do have guidelines of not using personality traits in adverts to ensure that there is no discrimination in the process. However, a member of staff may have been a bit overzealous.

And I'm sure you could still say good sense of humour, because that is in every single British job advert, isn't it? You don't have to know what you're doing. The main thing is that you've got a good sense of humour, and that's the main quality. Well, nothing will work, but we'll have a right old laugh. We're looking for a new chief executive with a healthy sense of the ridiculous. What do they have in Germany? Sackable offence. Thank you, Graham. ridiculous what do they have in germany second but offense thank you graham

and at the end of that round graham you've managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel which is that in 2002 a 1.5 million advertising campaign that wafted the aroma of amaretto almond liqueur through the london underground had to be dropped because the day after it started the sun newspaper ran an article warning commuters that the underground was a terrorist target and to be alert for the smell of dangerous gases particularly cyanide which smells of bitter almonds they really could not have timed that worse it's such a very specific alcoholic drink as well amaretto it's usually the stuff you drink when you've run out of everything else i can't imagine there'd be a massive rush on for amaretto yeah no exactly you smell amaretto on the tube you're either going to think it's a terrorist attack or a tramp has burped.

Anyway, that means, Graham, that you've scored one point. Thank you. Now it's the turn of Lloyd Langford. Lloyd, your subject is Madonna, the controversial American actress, dancer, author, director and singer-songwriter known for continuously reinventing both her music and image. Off you go, Lloyd. Septuagenarian pop star Madonna, real name Donna Mary Moltisanti, was born in Queens, New York City in 1942. Henning. Was that her real name?

No. No. No. Her real name is Madonna Louise Ciccone. I think, is it pronounced Ciccone? Ciccone. Ciccone. Although I pronounce loads of stuff wrong. So maybe you just have your own way of pronouncing it here.

You did invent the language. Yeah, I don't think Ciccone came from the language we invented. Well, you seem to be the boss of everything. Everywhere I go, no, Catherine, we invented the language. No. Well, you seem to be the boss of everything. Everywhere I go, no, Catherine, we invented the language. No, Catherine, that's wrong. I do follow you around a lot. But in this case, I will defer.

Before becoming famous, Madonna variously worked as a seamstress's apprentice, or material girl, olive oil saleswoman, holiday rep and chiropodist. She is still really passionate about sub-uncle hygiene and advocates urinating in the shower as a good cure for athlete's foot. Henning. I don't know, Madonna, did she advocate urinating in the shower?

She did. Yes, well done. Yes, she made the statement about urinating in the shower as a cure for athlete's foot during an interview with David Letterman, saying, peeing in the shower is really good. It fights athlete's foot. Urine is like an antiseptic. That sounds like a brilliant interview. Madonna has been romantically linked to Warren Clark, Shakin' Stevens, pick-and-mix magnate John Jellybean Benitez, Dean Saunders, Carlos the Jackal, and during a torrid weekend

in Blackpool in 1988, both Barry and Paul chuckle. Indeed, Madonna often had such trouble remembering the name of her current lover that her assistant would leave a note reminding her of it on her kitchen counter. Catherine. I'd say a girl would look out for Madonna by doing that. Leave a little note, the lover's name, that's probably true. It is true. Yes, well done. It's a classy system. Marge suffers from poptophobia, a fear of microwaves,

brontophobia, a fear of thunder, phenacophobia, a fear of appearing in decent films, and mamzanophobia, a fear of wearing a normal-shaped brassiere. Catherine. Oh, I think she might be afraid of microwaves. A lot of people think it's bad for you. No, she might be afraid of microwaves. A lot of people think it's bad for you. No, she's not afraid of microwaves. Just me, then.

Graham. I bet she's afraid of thunder. She is afraid of thunder. Well done. Well, if you leave the microwave on with the door open, there's lightning. How do you do that, though? It won't go with the door open.

It needs to be broken and old. Right. Like Madonna. Madonna says that she gets an overpowering sexual thrill when she puts her finger into her own belly button, despite being repeatedly warned by her physician that if the knot became undone, then her bum would fall off. Thank you, Lloyd.

And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Madonna was romantically linked to John Jellybean Benitez, the drummer, guitarist, songwriter and DJ also produced some of Madonna's early music, including Holiday. And the second truth is that Madonna says that she gets an overpowering sexual thrill when she puts her finger into her own belly button.

In an interview with Spin magazine in 1985, she described how when sticking her finger into her belly button, she would feel a nerve in the centre of my body shoot up my spine. she would feel a nerve in the centre of my body shoot up my spine. If 100 belly buttons were lined up against a wall, I could definitely pick out which one was mine. This is known as navel fetishism or an umbilical dip fetish. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. fourth place with minus five points we have Henning Vane in in third place with minus four points it's Lloyd Langford

in second place with one point. It's Graham Garden. And in first place with an unassailable six points, it's this week's winner, Catherine Ryan. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair

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