The Unbelievable Truth - 11x05 Octopuses, Aeroplanes, Armadillos, Socks

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

11x05 6 May 2013 Richard Osman, John Finnemore, Lucy Beaumont, Rhod Gilbert Octopuses, Aeroplanes, Armadillos, Socks

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. The rules are almost embarrassingly simple, as indeed are tonight's panellists. Please welcome Rod Gilbert, John Finnemore, Lucy Beaumont and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win a point if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Richard Osman. Richard, your subject is the octopus, described by my encyclopedia as a carnivorous marine mollusk known for its eight long tentacles, rounded soft body, and ink. Off

you go, Richard. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Okay, let's start with the basics. The correct plural of octopus is in fact octopodes, as in the Byron poem, whilst swimming off the coast of roads, I spied a shoal of octopodes. As for... John. It's not, is it? I don't think it is anymore. What don't you think?

I'm sorry. I strongly believe that the plural of octopus is octopodes. Well, you're quite right it is. Oh, well done. Or rather, there are two correct plurals for octopus, octopodes or octopuses. As for octopi, well, the octopi is the name of the best-selling snack at the Athens branch of Gregg's.

The male adult octopus is very closely related to the male adult human in that its testicles are located in its head. In fact... John. Yes, are its testicles located in its head? Yes, its testicles are located in its head. Oh, well... Yes, the octopus body comprises nothing but a head and tentacles.

So also found in the head are the stomach, heart, kidney, ink sac, brain and anus. The octopus is also one of the most dangerous creatures in the sea. If coral reefs had shopping centres, the octopus would be hanging out outside them wearing hoodies and shouting insults at passing plankton. Rod. I think he is one of the most dangerous animals

in the sea, surely. Has to be. Its anus is in its head, though. Yes. Where are you going with this? It might cloud its judgment. It's got to be one of the most dangerous things in the sea, an octopus. Well, it's not dangerous to man. Well, I didn't say it was.

Well, I mean, what's dangerous? A shark is more dangerous, isn't it? I don't know what dangerous means. A shark is more dangerous, yeah. And there's loads of them. Yeah. But it doesn't mean it's not one of the most dangerous things in the sea. Well, no, it would take every single shark.

Let's say there's a million. Yeah. So it's not in the top million most dangerous things in the sea. So shall I tell you what the most dangerous thing in the sea is? Is it man? No in the sea. Shall I tell you what the most dangerous thing in the sea is? Is it man? The water. You can... You boys can joke around all you like.

Yeah, the octopus loves nothing more than a fight, using tiny coconut shells as armour and breaking off the stings of Portuguese men of war to use as makeshift knives. If you ever mess with an octopus, you are likely to wake up with a seahorse's head in your bed. John? Seems very unlikely, but is it possible

that it uses the spines of a sea urchin as a weapon? I think it does. As a tool. It does, yes, it does. The blanket octopus is immune to the Portuguese man-of-war sting, so it will rip off its stinging tentacles and carry them around using them as a weapon. It's still not one of the most dangerous things in the sea, though, is it?

The veined octopus... Just because it's got eight legs and it carries Portuguese man-of-war stings around as weapons, I still wouldn't describe it as actually dangerous. Well, it's not as dangerous as a Portuguese man-of-war because it hasn't got its own stings. It has to rip them off something else. it's not as dangerous as a Portuguese man-of-war because it hasn't got its own stings. It has to rip them off something else. It's not as dangerous as a Portuguese man...

It rips the Portuguese man-of-war to bits and nicks its stings. You don't know how often it comes off best in that fight. It may be mostly the man-of-war sees it often, just occasionally, oh, I lucked out today, I got a tired one and I'm keeping its stings. Well, I just don't think that's true. I think the Portuguese man-of-war is outwitted and out-physicaled. They take them from the bodies of Portuguese men of war.

Deceased ones. Oh, dead ones? Yeah, yeah. So they kill them first? Or they wait, maybe. That's the most dangerous thing in the sea. Oh, no. Time.

Time, a great killer but the other thing that was true as well as the men of war thing is that the veined octopus carries coconut shell halves oh i thought it was portable armor to hide behind in case it's threatened so dangerous hiding behind coconut shell i'm so dangerous I'm so dangerous. I'm so dangerous, I've made myself an adorable protective hat. I'm so dangerous. Right, I'm going to take you on holiday. We're going to go somewhere where they have octopodes. I'm going to arm one up with eight stings from a Portuguese man o' war and then you're going to go in swimming with it and stroke it.

This is the most obvious attempt to chat me up, I reckon. Richard. Well, this is further evidence for you, Rod, because, of course, Shelley famously wrote, fishes, lizards, frogs and toads are terrified of octopodes. Lucy. I think it's true. What, that Shelley wrote that?

Yeah. No. Oh. It's nicer to feel that I wrote something that can pass for shelly yes it was shelly the poem writing tortoise in fact the octopus actually has many useful skills. For example, its secretions are more effective than household bleach at cleaning kitchens and bathrooms. An octopus can also undo the lid of a screw-top jar, though in my defence, I think I loosened it first. Rod.

That's true, that it can undo a jar. It can. Yes, well done. Octopuses, or octopodes, do this by pressing their body onto the lid and grasping the sides with their eight tentacles. And some have even managed to open childproof lids on medicine bottles. Yeah, not dangerous. Are you saying there is a danger from octopuses of poisoning?

I'm saying if you've got young kids, watch where you put your medicine bottles if you've got an octopus around. Perhaps the crowning skill of the octopus, however, is how it responds to fear. If an octopus is threatened by, say, a shark with a gun or a dinner party it really doesn't want to go to, it has a very neat trick.

The octopus has been known to actually eat itself. As Tennyson wrote, as trouble brews and terror bodes, they self-ingest, do octopodes. Thank you, Richard. At the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is that the octopus has been known to actually eat itself. I was going to say that. So was I. Many octopuses have been observed to eat their own arms. Where did it go? Many octopuses... In his head.

Look, I'm not saying they cleaved their plate, you know. Many octopuses have been observed to eat their own arms, and it was once believed the octopus did this due to stress. It's now thought to be the result of a neurological disorder prompted by a virus. And that means, Richard, octopus did this due to stress. It's now thought to be the result of a neurological disorder prompted by a virus. And that means, Richard, that you've scored one point. We turn now to John Finnemore. John studied English at university, which he excelled in.

And by graduation, he was speaking it fluently. Your subject, John, is aeroplanes. Heavier-than-air flying vehicles with fixed wings which are usually powered by propellers or jet engines. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, John. Since the dawn of time, man has gazed up at the sky and dreamt of what it must be like to sit in it somehow, eating mini pretzels and half-watching Paul Blart Mall Cop.

Well, today we can answer that question in two simple words. Aeroplanes. Aeroplanes have existed in the wild, of course, ever since the pterodactyl. But the first man-made aeroplane was built by a pair of simple Ohio biscuit salesmen, Wilbur and Orville Wright. The Wright brothers were, as I say, pigeon farmers by trade. And it was watching these majestic creatures take flights that inspired Orville to turn to his brother one as I say, pigeon farmers by trade. And it was watching these majestic creatures take flights that inspired Orville to turn to his brother one morning and say, Wilbur... I wish I could fly.

Right up to the sky. But I can't. A curious light came into Wilbur's eye as he replied, Orville, you can. I can't. You can. And so, financed entirely by their day job,

which you'll remember was running a bike shop, they set to work designing an aeroplane. Richard. I believe they ran a bike shop. They did run a bike shop. So they set to work designing an aeroplane. Tensions ran high as Orville was keen to build an F-16 fighter whilst Wilbur had his heart set on a Boeing 747. When such arguments arose the brothers would deliberately swap sides midway and argue the other's point of view. At first Orville thought this was a stupid idea but then Wilbur made them

swap sides and after that Orville convinced Wilbur it was a good idea, so they did it. Lucy? Perhaps they did swap sides. They did swap sides, yes. In what sense? In an argument, if either one was correct. That's exactly what they used to do.

They'd deliberately swap sides in arguments. And argue the other's point of view. This helped them solve conflicts constructively and is a rhetorical exercise dating back to the third century a.d you could do that with the octopus couldn't you yeah we could try that together so you think it's okay i think it's terrifying the octopus i would say it's the most dangerous animal in the sea in that case i think i should have a pint for that movie. It worked on Orville, and today it worked on Richard. John.

Aviatrix Lillian Bland built the first aeroplane in Northern Ireland, using a whiskey bottle as a petrol tank and her aunt's ear trumpet to feed it. It had the engine of a lawnmower, the wheels of a pram, and the wings of an albatross, earning her a lifetime ban from Belfast Bird Sanctuary. Rod. Lawnmower. No.

What was the name of the lady? Lillian Bland. Oh, that's tempting. Is it? Anyway, I've got to... There's your buzzer blinking at you. I think Lillian Bland created the first Irish aircraft. That's true. Built the

first aeroplane in Northern Ireland using a whiskey bottle as a petrol tank and her aunt's ear trumpet to feed it. Well done. And she called her aeroplane the Mayfly, as in it may fly or it may not. In 1929, Ellsworth W. Bunce became the

first man to walk along the wing of a plane in flight. In 1930, he became the first man to milk a cow on a plane. And in 1931, he became the first man to realise that no matter what wacky things he did on planes, his parents would still prefer his brother. Since then, aeroplanes have been designed in every imaginable shape and size. For instance, the Lockheed Macdonald 312, which had both wings on the same side of the fuselage and was consequently very good at turning right, but very bad at not turning right. Then there was the Caproni CA60, which had nine wings and eight engines and contained a cocktail bar, a swimming pool, a race course and an aerodrome

richard i don't think it had a swimming pool but maybe nine engines and eight wings or the other way around with nine wings and eight engines you're absolutely right well done the caproni ca60 the absurd aircraft had three sets of triplane wings attached to a giant fuselage which resembled a luxury houseboat. Although originally intended to carry passengers back and forth over the Atlantic, the plane crashed on its first and only flight in 1921 after only reaching a height of 18 metres. Rod.

He milked that cow, didn't he? You are far too late for the cow milking. did that he did milk that cow you've been imagining an airborne teat squeeze for the last five minutes somebody clearly has it's come to life in your head it's absolutely true in 1930 elsworth w bunce was the first man to milk a cow on a plane. The cow was called Elm Farm Ollie and she produced 24 quarts of milk during the flight. I wonder whether stress increases the flow of milk. It must have been UHT milk. That's the only one you get on flights, isn't it? And that's everything I know about aeroplanes. Bye bye.

Thank you, John. So, at the end of that round, John, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which you didn't quite smuggle. I mean, you get the point for it, but it was the one about milking a cow, which Rod had to think about and decided had to be true. And that means, John, you've scored one point. In 2007, a man collapsed at an airport in Nuremberg after drinking a full litre of vodka

rather than surrender it when passing through airport security. Happily, in the end, they agreed to help him onto the plane so he could fly his passengers back to Heathrow. If you die during a flight on Singapore Airlines, there are special corpse cupboards on the plane for your dead body. While on Ryanair, you'll be squashed in the overhead locker

and charged for being bigger than a rucksack. Next up is Lucy Beaumont. Lucy, your subject is armadillos, small to medium-sized, omnivorous, burrowing mammals from South, Central and North America known for their jointed armor-like shells off you go lucy when the first armadillo specimen was sent to the natural

history museum in 1832 the curators thought someone must have shaved a piglet and dressed it in bits of armor it was only when charles darwin examined the specimen himself that they realized it actually was a shaved piglet in bits of armour. Armadillo shells have been used to make Aztec hard hats, Peruvian mandolins, Venezuelan pyjama cases and Brazilian footballs.

Rod. Mandolins. You're right. Well done. In Peru and Bolivia, the mandolins known as charangos were made from armadillo or tortoise shells. Though following complaints from animal rights groups, the instruments are now made from round gourds or wood. The mandolins are often tuned to minor keys,

particularly A minor, which is considered sad and noble, and a fitting tribute to the armadillo you've slaughtered to make it. Heston Blumenthal has been known to serve armadillo steaks in his restaurant. According to Heston, the flavour is very similar to cat. If an armadillo was the size of a human, its penis would be four feet long. And if a female armadillo were the size of a human, she'd probably be a scaffolder. John?

I think maybe they are well endowed, the armadillos. They are. They are. Yes. The longest is the penis of the nine-banded armadillo, though armadillos in general have one of the longest penises of any mammal, extending to two-thirds of its body length in some species. It's basically, it's like a penis with an animal attached to it.

In the 1980s, there were several reports of Bolivian drug barons using the armadillo to smuggle cocaine. Up to a kilo of the drug can be packed under the shell of a fully grown adult male, Richard. I'm going to say they can be used to smuggle cocaine. No. If I said to you, I have smuggled cocaine inside an armadillo. No, I'm not going to give you the point.

You strike me as not so much a drug smuggler as a guy who works in TV. You know what? I made over $200,000 from that. I don't need a point as well. It's fine. It's already served its purpose. That's very big of you. I would have thought a sniffer dog would be quite dangerous around cocaine as well, wouldn't it?

Well, they're all hooked. Of course. The armadillo is the carrier of more diseases than any other living mammal, a fed of all Americans who suffer from leprosy, gonorrhoea, dysentery, haemorrhoids, and the plague catch it from armadillos. The screaming hairy armadillo is a fearsome monster. It's up to 20 feet long

with googly eyes and has a hundred teeth. Luckily, it spends most of its life in such a deep sleep that not even being hit with a broom will wake it. Richard. Well, something in there is true, isn't it, Rod? What do you reckon?

Something in there. I'm giving you a supportive nod, but don't try and cast this suicidal bid onto me. Well, I think there's a screaming, hairy armadillo. Go on. And that it spends most of its time asleep. You're right yes it's spent most of its life in such a deep sleep that not even being hit by a broom will

wake it armadillos do not need to sleep lightly because their armor plating protects them from predators screaming hairy armadillos are particularly deep sleepers hence their name and tend to sleep on their backs for up to 17 hours a day. Who hits an armadillo with a broom? Scientists. They'll work up to them. They work up to them, try them with a straw.

He's still fast asleep. I'll tell you who hits an armadillo with a broom. Bolivian customs officers. That was a nervous moment. Anyway, yes. Did he ever wake up? This one.

If he didn't ever wake up, he was dead, in which case the research would be invalidated. There's no creature in the world that's dead that you can wake up with a broom. That's one hell of a broom. We all want a broom like that. Let's change the story and I can say, hey, there's a mouse that doesn't wake up when you hit him of a broom. We all want a broom like that. Let's change the story and I can say, Hey, there's a mouse that doesn't wake up when you hit him with a broom.

Possibly I've killed it by hitting him with a broom. You see where I'm going? There's certainly been several wasps I've failed to wake up with a newspaper. So, see what you mean. On the other hand, the pink fairy armadillo looks like a fairy prawn and in argentina is specially bred for christmas when it's traditionally placed on top of the christmas tree thank you lucy at the end of that round lucy you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. One of which is that the pink fairy armadillo looks like a furry prawn.

With a head and body length of between 3.3 and 4.6 inches. So it's no longer than a sausage, but it is longer than a prawn. And the second truth is that a third of all Americans who suffer from leprosy catch it from armadillos other than humans armadillos are one of the only known natural hosts of the leprosy bacterium and yeah third of americans with leprosy have caught it from an armadillo but it's in the low hundreds so it's and that's why you shouldn't do cocaine and lucy that means you scored two points During the voyage of the Beagle

Darwin described eating an armadillo which he said tastes and looks like duck Well it may have tasted like a duck but if it also looked like a duck I think on balance Charles it probably was a duck Now it's the turn of Rod Gilbert rod your subject is socks knitted or woven coverings for

the feet usually worn under shoes and extending above the ankle and sometimes to the knee off you go rod socks Socks. Socks are an essential part of lovemaking in Wales. Heterosexual Welsh men today regarded the world over as the greatest lovers, combining... Combining the stamina of a marathon runner, the stubborn tenacity of a bagpipe player player and the precision of a darts champion,

Welsh men urge their partners to wear socks in bed. Welsh men know that once the initial total sexual turn-off has been overcome, a woman is more likely to scale the heights of sexual fulfilment with her socks on. John? I think maybe having warm feet gives you better sex. You're right. In 2005, scientists,

presumably fresh from trying to wake up armadillos... I'm extremely turned on by it. Yeah, at the University of Groningen, revealed that both men and women find it easier to achieve orgasm whilst wearing socks. The scientists believe this is because the couples were more comfortable and therefore more relaxed when they didn't have cold feet.

But anyway, cancer still hasn't been cured. Rod. The first put-on socks appeared in Greece around 900 BC. Sock-wearing at this time in Greek history was predominantly a male preserve, and the sock-wearers were considered sexual deviants. They and their socks were referred to as sickos.

In ancient Rome, people who put the left sock on first were thought to be touched by the devil. The words sock, foot, shoe, and sandal all derived from the Latin sockus, words sock, foot, shoe and sandal all derive from the Latin socus, shoeus, footus and sandalus. Socks have been made from buffalo penis, elephant trunk, emu's neck, sparrow's nest, glass, smoke, water. Richard.

Have you finished that list? No. But feel free to have a bash now. I'll carry on. How many have you done? Seven? I wasn't counting, I was reading. He's done seven. If you really don't like these odds,

elephant's trunk socks. You think socks have been made from elephant's trunk. That's what you'd like to... No, I don't mean... Now you say it back to me. I don't mean that tone to creep into my voice. Now you say it back to me, no I don't. But that's what I'm going for. But that's the guess you'd like to make.

Yeah, until I hear the rest of the list. Do you want to wait for the rest of the list? Yeah, go on. Socks have been made from buffalo penis, elephant trunk, emu's neck, sparrow's nest, glass, smoke, water, spiders' webs, camels' mucus, bull semen, chickens' giblets, tigers' whiskers, lions' whiskers, whiskers' cat food, Felix, pedigree chum, Andex toilet paper, owl,

pussycat, Dar O'Brien, Claire Balding, and by spinning the captured sound waves of a wolf's howl. Okay. Well, Scott, and you didn't like the odds when it was seven to one.

John. Right, just for the sport of it, I'm going to have a go. Cobwebs. You're right! Yes! That's a good spot. In the early 1700s, French naturalist François Xavier Bond de Saint-Hilaire boiled spider cocoons and extracted the silk threads to create socks,

as well as gloves, stockings, and reportedly even a suit for Louis XIV. Spider silk weaving was once common in Madagascar. In Russia, socks were banned for nearly 200 years at the whim of the Tsar. So ferocious was the anti-sock campaign that the word for socks was removed from the Russian language altogether. However, the Academy of Language soon realised

that banning socks and the word socks meant the Russians couldn't even discuss the sock ban. So they relaxed the rules a little. Russians were now allowed to discuss the absence of socks, but could still not discuss socks. In other words, they could discuss socks in the negative polarity, no socks, but not in the positive polarity, socks. but not in the positive polarity, socks. When the ban finally ended, using the word socks with a positive polarity was allowed,

but many Russians struggled to adapt and many still ask for no socks when buying socks. Thank you. Rob. John. Is no socks the Russian for socks? Yes. Good spot. No, to be honest, that was more of a joke, but...

At the end of that round, Rod, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the ancient Greek word for socks was sykos, or sykos. They were socks, but a bit shoey you know they were shoeier than most socks but but sockier than an actual shoe they were only worn by women though and it was considered effeminate for a man to wear them a shameful article to the extent that it was a guaranteed laugh for a male actor in a greek theatre was to put on a pair of socks.

Early days for comedy, you know. And the second truth is that our word sock derives from the Latin socus, which comes from the Greek psychos. And that means, Rod, you've scored two points. As France's King Louis XVIII got older, his feet rotted so much that a valet found a toe that had dropped off in one of the king's socks, after which he handled the king's underpants with even more caution. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Rod Gilbert. In third place, with minus two points, we have Rod Gilbert. In third place, with minus one point, it's Lucy Beaumont. In second place, with one point, it's Richard Osman. And in first place, with an unassailable seven points, it's this week's winner, the points heartthrob, John Finnamore. First place with an unassailable seven points. It's this week's winner, the points heartthrob, John Finnemore. And that's about it for this week.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nasmith and Graham Darden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Finnemore, Rod Gilbert, Lucy Beaumont and Richard Osman. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Nason. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.